aibu to be a little disappointed or am I grabby, ungrateful and entitled?

(67 Posts)
cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:02:46

Bit of background. dh is main earner in household. I work very part time. Dh often gets good bonus's. When he gets them he often treats himself and the dc. This year he brought himself an I pad and spent extra on xmas presents for dc. (ie they got tablets too)
So whilst i can use the ipad when he isn't around everything is of course set up for him eg facebook accounts etc so before christmas I said I was going to get a tablet but never did bother.
More recently he has worked out that there is something which the IPAD doesn't do which others can (over my head)
So lo and behold I am getting a tablet as my birthday present from dh and everyone else who would buy me a gift (ds let it slip) Now I know it's an expensive present and I am sure many people would love to get one but can't afford it
So am I ungrateful or right to feel a little disappointed.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Tue 23-Apr-13 00:05:00

I don't get it, you wanted an Ipad, and now you're getting one you're pissed off?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Apr-13 00:07:19

I can work out that you are disappointed but not why you are.perhaps I'm misreading

Sorry im also confused

MonstersInception Tue 23-Apr-13 00:07:29

I'm sorry - "he treats himself and the dc." Where do you factor in all this?

I'm not sure I understand the rest of your post. Do you want one or not?

Fuckwittery Tue 23-Apr-13 00:09:23

Is it because you think your dh just wants it for himself for the extra feature and its not really going to be yours says me who is constantly on dh's ipad as she types

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 23-Apr-13 00:09:28

Do you mean you want an IPad but he's buying you a different tablet because he wants access to one of those too?

Oh is it because he wants a more updated Ipad so hes getting one for you but really he wants it for himself.

Am i right?

TeamEdward Tue 23-Apr-13 00:10:55

Do you mean he is giving you his old iPad while he buys himself a replacement?

cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:13:23

Sorry I had had a rough day today so op probably garbled.
What I was trying to say is that I am a little fed up that dh goes out and buy an ipad for himself just because he wants one.
However, I only get one (not an ipad) by forfeting (sp) birthday presents from everyone. Plus dh clearly wants me to get one so he can also use it. (as he is disappointed that IPad apparently doesn't do something he wants it to)

Bobyan Tue 23-Apr-13 00:18:18

Ask him to return what he buys you because you want an iPad...

cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:19:14

cross posts. Yes I think he clearly intends to use certain functionality on my tablet.
Guess I am also feeling unappreciated. A chunk of bonus always seems to be spent on himself and dc but he never suggests that I should treat myself or even buy me a token present. I know I can go and buy what I want/need but I tend not to do that.

cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:22:19

Couldn't do that bobyan as when we were originally discussing tablets suggested that ipad was probably not worth the additional expense. Sure loads of people will correct me on that.

MidniteScribbler Tue 23-Apr-13 00:22:19

Have you actually tried talking to him about it?

cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:24:57

Well he asked me what i wanted for birthday and I mentioned something different. Guess time to discuss it is on birthday when I get the gift.

Monty27 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:26:55

I get you. A birthday present is a treat whereas in your home it's normal.

I'd be pissed off too.

Not that I ever have any chance of such wealth but I do understand where you're coming from.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Apr-13 00:36:02

I understand now.

So why don't you just go out and buy yourself one now. Well not right now perhaps wait till morning

Snazzynewyear Tue 23-Apr-13 00:38:51

Yes, either say you want an iPad yourself, or suggest he gets himself the tablet, passes on his iPad to you but then of course you will need a different birthday present as passing on an unwanted item doesn't count. Reminds me a bit of Homer buying Marge a bowling ball for her birthday.

LittleYellowBall Tue 23-Apr-13 00:42:39

Buy yourself an ipad, if you can afford it.

So do you get any money to spend on yourself? If you want/need something like new footwear or a haircut, can you just go and get whatever it is, or do you have to ask permission?
Of course, it's nice and perfectly reasonable for all surplus money to be spent on treating DC rather than adults, but that's not what's happening in your family - your H is treating himself and DC, which does give out the message that you are the person in the family who doesn't actually matter.

Snazzynewyear Tue 23-Apr-13 00:51:39

No, don't wait till your birthday. Have the discussion first and remind him that you really want X. It's harder to change anything once the item has been bought and is there in front of you.

alwayslateforwork Tue 23-Apr-13 00:56:23

Well, if you just didn't bother before Christmas, you could just go and get one now, couldn't you? And as it's a secret and all, you couldn't be expected to know... And presumably he was okay with you treating yourself to an iPad before Christmas, (as it was just that you didn't bother to go and get one) so it wasn't as though he was deliberately treating himself and the kids, it was just that you didn't bother to go and get what you wanted at the time?

And he will probably keep whatever the new tablet is for himself, with the functionality he wants, and buy you something else for your birthday...

Job done.

I get that you are pissed about the unwanted tablet, but he probably thinks he's doing a good thing, getting you something you wanted, but didn't get round to getting. And your birthday is a good excuse. And it saves him thinking of something else, when he already knows what you want...

alwayslateforwork Tue 23-Apr-13 01:03:12

(I can kind of see why you are irritated, btw - but he isn't banning you from buying yourself stuff - you are an adult with equal access to the money, and he obviously assumes if you want something, you will get it. Women often don't spend money on themselves - either from a sort of princess syndrome where they want to be showered with gifts, or from a mistaken sense of poor self worth, where they feel they should be spending the money on everyone else. Both are rather more internal wrangles for the individual woman concerned, and don't say much about the chap involved. That isn't to diss the woman, either, just to point out that it's really common. No one is stopping you buying yourself an iPad but yourself - and for some reason you have been stopping yourself since before Christmas.)

MaBumble Tue 23-Apr-13 01:07:12

Homer Simpson. Bowling ball ...
Talk to him, now. Tell him it's not what you want for your birthday, that if you wanted one you'd just go get one from family funds.

Are you the OP who was told the baby was your gift?

Either way YANBU. Tell him now that you want an Ipad. And for your birthday you want X.

AdoraBell Tue 23-Apr-13 02:01:33

I get what you mean, my OH will suggest or sometimes go ahead and buy something expensive for me becuase he can then justify spending large amounts of money on himself. Most of the expensive stuff he's bought me, including this iPad, I could easily live without and never actually wanted, but I've got it now so he can have X, because that's fair.

YANBU OP, I would be inclined to say thanks but no thanks, I'd much rather have X inexpensive gift, and then go get what you want at a much later date. And remember to tell everyone else that you don't want the iPad. Then if you decide to buy it, you changed your mind.

AdoraBell Tue 23-Apr-13 02:08:04

Or whatever tablet he has planned for everyone to buy jointly. Sorry I'm clearly too tired to make sense, I'll go now and leave you sensible people to your discussionblush

ApocalypseThen Tue 23-Apr-13 06:50:50

I think, since you don't officially know about the iPad, you should be clear that this birthday, you want a lovely diamond necklace (or whatever). Get the iPad again sometime, but definitely don't let him get you a birthday present for himself.

lougle Tue 23-Apr-13 07:12:50

I agree that this is a Homer's bowling ball situation.

Why don't you just say 'I don't want a tablet for my birthday'?

maddening Tue 23-Apr-13 07:24:27

Say you want an ipad and only an ipad and make sure that anyone Chipping in knows that too.

Or as pp say you want something else rather than a pad and then treat yourself to an ipad when you fancy it.

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 07:33:31

So he's basically getting himself a new tablet, but justifying getting it by giving it to you as your only birthday present from the family?

That is crap. Poor you! YANBU.

I would just be blunt. 'Dh if you want a new tablet why don't you have the one that suits your needs and I'll have your iPad, now for my birthday I thought of a few things ...'

He is being a cheeky fecker. Also, don't be a martyr about the treats for him and the dc, speak up. 'Since you are having x and the dc y, I thought maybe I'd get z for me, is that ok?' should do it.

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 07:35:49

There are two problems here.

1 your husband leaves you out of the treats he buys for everyone in the family

2 your husband is using your birthday as an excuse to manipulate your friends and family into subsidising something he wants for himself.

Both things show your husband to be mean with money, unkind and unappreciative of you.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about what a selfish, self-serving prick he is being.

I also think you need to blow the lid off this "secret" present bullshit and tell everyone that you don't want a tablet for your birthday.

ajandjjmum Tue 23-Apr-13 07:41:42

When he gives it to you say 'oh here's my bonus gift - that's great - thanks. So where's my birthday present?' Me PA - never!!!

gallifrey Tue 23-Apr-13 07:47:34

we needed a new laptop a few years ago and it was my birthday so dh wrapped it up and gave it to me as a birthday present. So it's my laptop then yes? No it's everyones..

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 08:24:25

This is worse than Homer's bowling ball.

At least Homer paid for his bowling ball himself.

Commandeering all the money family and friends might be thinking if spending on the OP to get himself a tablet is a real fucking cheek.

Particularly as a tablet is a present that he can get with subsidy just because he fancies one.

But his wife can only get one (for him to use) for her birthday if everyone chips in and she gets nothing else.

I am always amazed by the little ways some spouses try to exoit their mate.

What a prick.

GilmoursPillow Tue 23-Apr-13 08:31:12

If you get it, password it and don't tell him what the password is.

niceguy2 Tue 23-Apr-13 08:37:34

I think this boils down to again how money is perceived in the relationship. Do you have joint accounts or is the money split? I suspect the latter which is usually quite unfair to the woman whom is usually the part time worker.

Personally I've tried both and I much prefer it now where my fiancee & I just both have a joint account and we talk to each other and agree what the money is spent upon. There is no my money, her money. Just our money. If I get a bonus, in effect she's getting one too.

CocacolaMum Tue 23-Apr-13 08:38:06

Gilmours that is EXACTLY what I was going to say!

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 08:49:08

But even if money is separate, why would he buy everyone else a treat from the bonus but not his wife?

Why would he refuse to buy her a birthday present equivalent to presents he buys himself and expect her family and friends to subsidise it?

You can have separate finances and not be a mean, tight-fisted wanker.

Toasttoppers Tue 23-Apr-13 09:29:45

Yes password the pad!

My DH bought DS an extra birthday gift once a boxed set of a 1970's comedy. He was about 9 at the time, he was forthright, " this is for you Dad not me, you owe me a birthday present".

mercibucket Tue 23-Apr-13 09:36:04

yup, password it grin

but actually, i think you share the blame here, if you have joint bank accounts. dh bonus is coming up - start planning your treat. why does he have to buy you one? you dont buy him his treat from his bonus money, he chooses it himself. why dont you get one as well? it is not his fault if you hold yourself back from spending money

if you dont have joint bank accounts, then you should asap, and he is a dick, and i would never tolerate that for a second!

DeckSwabber Tue 23-Apr-13 21:42:10

When the tablet arrives, ask for the receipt and exchange it for what YOU want.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Tue 23-Apr-13 21:48:03

When my DH gets a bonus he says "what shall WE spend it on?"

pigletmania Tue 23-Apr-13 21:54:33

Goidness op where do I start. Ths man des not respect you or appear to love you. To tell everyone not to get you anything is a real cheek and quite nasty just because he wants to get you something tat he can use. It's nt his business to say what oters can get you! I would tell him straight

pigletmania Tue 23-Apr-13 21:59:01

Asking people to chip in for your birthday resent from him what's fecking cheek. If that was him he would buy it himself, he does not appear to care fr you

alwayslateforwork Wed 24-Apr-13 04:48:41

Piglet, the poor guy knew the op was intending to buy herself an iPad with the bonus money before Christmas and was fine with it. The fact she didn't get round to it, and is now sulking because he is buying her one (and not the one she wanted) hardly means he doesn't love her or care for her. Sure, it might be a gift of convenience, but it isn't as if he's bought her a new iron especially for her to use on his work shirts.

He's probably entirely baffled. If she was that desperate for an iPad, she could have bought it herself four months ago with his blessing.

Far too often women leave themselves last in the treat stakes and convince themselves they don't deserve it, or oughtn't to bother, or feel guilty about treating themselves, and put their husbands or kids first.

'Before Christmas I said I was going to get myself a tablet but never did bother'

How that translates to 'he doesn't care for you or love you' I can't imagine.

It's rather more the op not caring about herself enough and putting herself last.

Only on mn could a dh buying a tablet for his wife's birthday end in discussions of financial inequality and suggestions that he doesn't care or even love her.

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 07:26:07

If his I pad did do everything he wanted would he still buy op a tablet hmm

tumbletumble Wed 24-Apr-13 07:31:02

I am a SAHM while DH works long hours. His bonuses are spent on the whole family including me.

CockyFox Wed 24-Apr-13 07:40:32

I know this isn't the point but why do you all need a Ipad/tablet. We have one computer for the family and take turns. Do you all use them at the same time? As for Ipads my parents have one and everyone has a play with it if they get a chance.
We don't have mine and yours in this house as my mum used to say.

GibberTheMonkey Wed 24-Apr-13 07:57:53


You don't seem to see it
The ops dh buys himself an iPad out of family funds
The op has a birthday so instead of making an effort to get her what she would like (and possibly also buy her a tablet) he decides that the tablet (the type he wants) is her present from everyone.

I'm guessing that you won't be getting him a birthday present then op as he's already had it when he got the iPad

SinisterBuggyMonth Wed 24-Apr-13 08:17:56

He sounds like a twat! only half joking

You should ask.for a really garish cover for the ipad, bright pink, over girly Cath Kidston style, something that he would hate to be seen holding. And have a massive cock and balls as a screesaver.

diddl Wed 24-Apr-13 08:29:07

I have to say I don't really get the -husband & kids had a treat so I want want too plus bday presents or they get more than I do.

Which is how it comes across to me.

That said, I don't get the "plus everyone else who would get me a present"

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 08:31:50

Well diddle shouldent the op dh get a present for te op if he gets everybody else one? It sounds like he does not value Or respect her, forget the tablet and look at the situation as it s as a whole

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 09:03:39

Forget the I pad for a min. Op dh gets himself and dc gifts but not op. he gets himself an expensive present but finds out its missing something that this other one has so decides to get op it and, not only does he not spend allhis own money on it, he has the cheek to ask people to contribute towards it. This thing is something he wants for himself and will use so it would not be exclusively op.

Sorry op the man is a tit and does not hold you in high regard or respect you. Is he like this in other areas of your relationship?

Alwayscheerful Wed 24-Apr-13 09:12:05

Op- how much do you want to spend on gadgets for your family? This is the problem with separate finances, it's too easy to say he had this, so I want that.

Let him buy himself another tablet if he must, you can have his old one and spend our money on any thing you wish. You could also consider overpaying your mortgage, saving it or putting it towards a holiday, how much of your joint income to you want to spend on iPads etc?

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 09:15:17

Yes it does make sense to have his old I pad and him get a new one , but I would seriously address this lack of respect issue going on here

ExcuseTypos Wed 24-Apr-13 09:22:51

Next time he has a bonus which he spends on himself and the dc, tell him you are taking an amount out of the family budget, for your bonus.

It's really not fair that he and the dc gets a treat and you don't.

As far as the iPad is concerned, if you'd rather have something else, just tell your relatives that you don't want the iPad.

diddl Wed 24-Apr-13 09:24:43

Well no, I don't think so really piglet-I#d be fine with my husband treating himself & the kids but not me.

And in this case there are now 3 tablets which OP can use-surely one can be set up for her?

That aside though-it wouldn't hurt him to ask her what she would like, if anything with the bonus money.

And if he's bought the wrong tablet for himself, then I think that getting himself a new one & giving OP the cast off is pretty shit-unless OP would be OK with that.

FaceLikeAPickledYonion Wed 24-Apr-13 09:25:06

Wait till It's his birthday, then buy him something with collected funds from family and friends that you want and you use it.
Bit immature but he might get the message then.

plantsitter Wed 24-Apr-13 09:27:47

I understand why you're upset and it's not really about the tablet itself is it? Have the conversation now, or you will cry on your birthday and that's always shit.

ExcuseTypos Wed 24-Apr-13 09:34:11

I agree actually, you need to tell him now that you're not happy. And then discuss what will happen next time he gets a bonus -that if everyone else is being treated, then you should also.

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 12:30:05

Exactly excuse you need to talk to him straight, instead of wallowing

cheltenham84 Fri 26-Apr-13 16:11:27

Well received presents today. Tablet is lovely and i did also get small surprise from dc. Only pil put in funds. Will be password protecting it though and only going the buy the smaller gift I asked for.
Conversation going to be had about feeling valued though. Thank you for replies.

ExcuseTypos Fri 26-Apr-13 17:08:05

Happy birthday!

Glad your going to have the talk.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 26-Apr-13 17:17:24

Happy Birthday, hope you are having a nice day.

When I get a bonus it goes straight into the family account. Ditto when I got a large family inheritance.

Income should be family money. Fair enough he wants to treat himself and the DCs when he gets a bonus, but he should also give or you should take some money to treat yourself. After all you support him getting his bonus by looking after the DCs and presumably doing more of the housework than he does.

CrapBag Fri 26-Apr-13 17:17:26

Happy birthday.

YANBU btw. It is cheeky for him to ask his parents to contribute to a present that he clearly wants to use himself. Plus why doesn't he treat you or is it because he assumes that if you want something, you would buy it yourself? Not the point but that could be his thinking.

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