to think it is not acceptable to send people stroppy texts?(94 Posts)
The other day one of my friends sent me a text message. It was about 8.30pm at which time I am pretty exhausted and busy. It's just after my kids are in bed (post homework, dinner, bath and bed) and I am making dinner for DH and I. Then I want to chill on the sofa with him. If I hear my phone beeping away, I ignore it and by heat time its recharging and away from me. If there is an emergency my family will call me landline. Anyway, the next morning I got a message at 0800 saying "Is there some reason why you don't respond to my messages?????"
Anyway, I felt enough is enough (it's not the only stroppy message I've had from her) and I text back that I am usually busy at night and don't have the phone glued to my ear. I then got another one back about my not being the only person to be busy.
So AIBU to get stroppy about this? I hate messaging people and I hate that we can never not be unavailable these days.
This drives me insane too YANBU
your not at all being unreasonable, I put my phone on silent when I finish work & if anyone needs me then call the house!! It really pisses me off people who expect an instant reply
YANBU, I don't think it's reasonable to expect that someone can text you back right when you would like. If it were something crucial I would check in again by calling or emailing, I wouldn't expect the other person to know that it was something crucial just from my texting once.
Yanbu - I can't imagine why people send them - you only end up looking a twat and it's there to be read and reread. You have no idea of the reason for a lack of reply.
If I needed a reply I would chase up with a call and be apologetic for that (or call in the first place)
I am someone who leaves phone in car etc. no one ever expects me to respond right away, if they want to talk , they will phone. Just be a little unavailable, they will get the message.
What was the original text about?
Yanbu, but I'm rubbish about replying to texts quickly. I work FT in a demanding role and am busy with family stuff in the evenings so it quite often takes me a few hours to respond, or sometimes I don't even see the texts until the next day. I know it really irks some people, but that's just too bad in my opinion. I don't have the time to be annoyed by petty stuff like this!
Who wants to be clouded by other peoples needs, after a very long day. I always say, if it's that important then they can call the landline. No guarantees I'll answer that either though
I'm phone phobic
I ditched a best friend over it.
One of the reasons I like sending texts is because I feel like the person I'm sending it to can deal with it at a time that suits them. YANBU.
My sil is like that. When I first met her she seemed nice, normal although a bit intense. We don't live near by so she texts. And if we don't respond in 2-3 min it becomes an issue. She texts again. And again. Or texts my dh (she's his brothers wife).
I immediately gave her a wide berth. Still do.
Good lord-the beauty of texting for me is that I can send a text, safe in the knowledge that my friend can leave it until they are ready to read it and answer. I feel intrusive if I call someone - it's feels like saying "answer now!!!" . I'm a bit weird on that. Even if I call someone, I assume that they will not answer if they're busy-that's what answer phones are for. Your friend is being unreasonable and rather needy.
I'm on the fence a bit with this one.
I appreciate time to myself so I understand, but I don't like to ignore friends, even if it's not an emergency. If I was enjoying time with DP and didn't want to engage in a long conversation over text, I would just say I couldn't really get into a conversation now, so would text in the morning.
I get why people ignore messages, so it's not a judgement, I just tend to do things differently.
YANBU. I had this when I had a newborn. Hadn't heard the text amid the evening colic crying. Two hours later I got a stroppy text.
The original message didn't ask a question or seem to need a response but they kicked off.
Thing is, when I text anyone, they never respond immediately and it doesn't matter. If it's urgent then call!
Op, your friend asked if ' there was some reason you don't respond to her messages'
Obviously as far as she is concerned its not the first time you haven't replied and I would guess that's why she's pissed off and probably feels that she is just not important enough as a friend for you to bother getting back to her .
It was just an SMS about meeting up some time, not super urgent. Anyway, it's not really about texting. My issue is that I do not appreciate people being aggressive or snotty with me whether it is a text, on the phone or face to face because I have not dropped everything and come running like a lap dog. If I do not get my own way or am not getting attention I generally do not throw my toys out of the pram because I am an adult.
But tidy, that still assumes that you've seen the text in the first place. I keep miy phone on silent while I'm at work, and rarely have time to check it during the day. I quite often forget to switch on the ring tone again in the evening, and I don't carry it all around the house with me, so might often only notice a text several hours after I have received it.
Jemma, you are right tin that sometimes I receive texts from her that are to Wreckit and 6 others and I do not respond because I don't appreciate getting spammy texts.
A few months ago I sent a similar stroppy message to my sister even though the latest text didn't require an immediate reply. She often replies day later or not at all and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
When I get a general 'how are things?' text I usually reply before I go to bed or when I'm on the train to work the next morning. However, if someone text to ask a specific question then I reply within the hour. My life isn't that busy and I am not that fragile that I can't spare two minutes while watching or while I am chilling.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The whole beauty of texts is that they are still there hours later when you feel like dealing with it.
Tell her that. Or tell her to fuck off, you're not at her beck and call.
Whichever suits your style better.
.. or you can simply ignore that text as well
That is the main problem with today's forms of communication. So many people expect to be able to contact other people immediately and get an instant response.
We still have a landline and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future (OH works from home and most of his family either don't use mobiles or have PAYG phones so their main method of contacting us is by phone). If anyone wants to contact me to get a guaranteed response they ring me. I do the same with my friends and family as well. Besides, I hate texting, I would far rather talk to someone.
If instant reply needed/something urgent, phone call needs to be made.
Otherwise text so people can read at their leisure.
I would distance myself from someone who thinks it is ok to sent stroppy texts over nothing.
OP - Don't you find it kind of ironic that you are spending time on MN complaining about not having time to respond to your friend's texts?
Buy she's not complaining about not having time she's complaining about her friends attitude.
But her friend's attitude results from the OP not finding the time to type a 30 second repy.
I'm the flip side of many of you. People only call me if it's an involved (and important) conversation. Otherwise they either text or email me. This originated back in the days when DCs were babies and all our waking moments were spent looking after them. People would call mid feed or bath time or ... In the end we switched the phone ringer off and ignored mobile calls. People soon got the hint.
So, I don't understand why posters are saying that people can call them if they want an immediate response. I much rather have a text that I can deal with later in the evening.
YANBU!! How ridiculous. I'd give her a wide berth in future .
I find a phone call much more intrusive than a text that I can answer when I like.
Not good to get stroppy over a non reply though.
I don't have a problem with people sending me texts or with finding 30 secs to respond. I do have an issue with people who think I am at their beck and call and that I should drop what I am doing to respond.
The other pet hate is I can be talking to someone face to face and mention somewhere I have been/ something I have done and they then say - oh can you SMS me the name of that XXXX. How about you get out a pen and write it down?
Like I said, I'm the flip side. I have given 'friends' like the OP a wide birth.
If they can't be arsed to find 60 seconds during the evening to read my text and to type "I'll get back to you" or "Ok" then they aren't people I want to be friends with.
I leave my phone downstairs at night, so I don't get texts til the next morning. So if I go to bed at 8pm then yes I will miss texts from people.
But mts - the friend has no idea why there is no response - maybe the op hasn't seen/looked at the message, maybe the op has lost her phone/run out of battery, is doing something else etc or even gone to bed.
The op would have replied appropriately to the text at her earliest convenience but then to receive a stroppy message which assumes that the op has read and ignored the message is ridiculous from a normal adult.
I don't keep my phoned glued to me so often don't see messages. I have a friend who thinks it's outdated to use a landline so will only text or phone mobile. If I don't pick up she'll text about thre or four times and then start texting dh to find out if everything is ok or if she's upset me somehow.
I am a sahm there is a good chance if she phoned the landline I'll hear it and pick up, but she absolutely will not phone on the home phone
This is one of the reasons I refuse to get a BlackBerry from work. Just because it is physically possible to reply instantly does not mean you have to.
Oh and m t s if the irony of switching off your phone so you don't have to respond but still expecting other folks to answer to texts within the hour hasn't hit you then that's your issue not your friends.
The only time I get annoyed if friends don't respond to texts or emails is if I'm trying to plan something and even then I'd give it a few days before I got irked.
Why should someone keep their phone on them at all times? When I come home, my phone stays in my bag, or gets plugged in to charge. I may not hear a call or text coming in, but I will respond to it when I am ready. I am not 'on call' 24 hours a day. The way I see it, I own the phone, the phone does not own me. I sometimes even <gasp> turn it off!
To be honest, if one of my friends was stroppy because I didn't respond immediately to a text, I wouldn't consider them much of a friend.
Yanbu I try not to txt friends around DC bedtime...and if I do, I would never be stroppy that they didn't get back to me...I'm more likely to regret bothering them!
I had a friend like this.
If you didn't respond to his text he'd send them over and over again. This was back in the day when phones only held 10/15 messages so it would be come clogged up and there was no change of them getting through.
Annoying and needy.
Yanbu. I haven't looked at my mobile for days, its a good job she's not my friend.
Same as most of the others. My phone could be anywhere in the house. I choose whether or not to answer calls /reply to texts.
Dh is a teacher so I use text mostly to send him. Message so he can pick it up in between classes.
maddening - the OP said that she ignores the phone beeping if she is relaxing on the sofa. I suspect that the friend was getting stroppy about this pattern of behavior.
But the friend didn't know she had heard the phone beeping.
I don't think it's ever acceptable to get stroppy by text. I think if there is a problem it needs to be thrashed out in person or over the phone.
And the op had not specifically ignored that person's message - it is a blanket refusal of all messages - she could have put the phone on silent for the same effect.
the OP said that she ignores the phone beeping if she is relaxing on the sofa. I suspect that the friend was getting stroppy about this pattern of behavior.
But why shouldn't she ignore it (even if she heard it) if this is her down time? And IF friend knows this is her pattern of behaviour why doesn't she work around it rather than bludgeon OP into changing it.
This is why only close family and a very few selected friends have my mobile number.
I am partly deaf. I don't always hear my phone, even when it's in my pocket.
If someone sends a text, I'll deal with it when I am able, at my convenience. I am not obliged to jump up and answer calls/texts just because someone has called/texted me. Those calls and text are an invitation to answer, not a command.
So, even though I am partly deaf, I don't keep checking my phone in case I've missed someone's call. I might check it once every couple of hours but I am not going to tie myself to the phone. I won't answer the phone when driving, and recently had the phone switched off for 3 hours while with DP in A&E (in fact, it was all night in the end, I didn't switch it back on when we got home).
So I find MTSgroupie's stance interesting. She wants people to text/email her for her to respond at her convenience, but expects other people to reply to her messages within the hour. And judges people for it.
People may have many reasons for not answering phones, and I feel that relaxing on a sofa at the end of the day a good enough reason for not getting up to answer phone.
If I am relaxing on the sofa I DO NOT WANT to talk, text or whatever. So if you send me a text when I am relaxing, I will ignore it until the next morning.
If your need for the validation of an instant response to a text trumps my need to relax, then you are not much of a friend. If it is urgent then call. If it isn't urgent, why on earth get the hump if it isn't answered immediately?
I would answer the friend's question - is there any reason...?
Yes, here's the reason that I don't respond to texts straight away.
My best friend sends "night night" texts to many of her friends. This used to happen after I'd gone to bed, and was usually as I was falling asleep. I just explained that while it was a sweet idea, it was becoming annoying due to my early bed times, and she's since stopped.
I think people are in roughly two camps. Those who see a mobile phone as instrument of their convenience, which is often on silent, left in bag etc, used where needed.
The other camp can't ever put it down, they constantly text, ring, irritate etc.
I wish they could get their validation elsewhere.
I've lost friends like this. I will not be a slave to an inanimate object. My DC'scome before a bloody text message.
If I am playing a board game with my DC's, I will put my phone on silent and leave it downstairs, so that my time with them is not disturbed.
My phone goes on silent as soon as I start to relax in the evening, because my toxic mother has a habit of trying to phone me at all sorts of strange hours, and I would like to know that I have at least two hours before I go to bed where I am not going to be disturbed.
I don't always reply to texts straight away even if my phone is on - if I am cleaning the bathroom, my phone isn't going to be in there with me, so I will respond when I am finished.
One of my friends HATED this, and used to go mad at me asking why I even had a phone if I wasn't going to answer it.
Thing is, I would always answer texts that were sent after 10pm first thing the next morning, with an apology for not getting back sooner. Yet she hated it. We ended up drifting apart. Because she was connected to her mobile 24/7, she expected everybody else to be, and couldn't stand it when I wasn't.
I am actually laughing out loud at MTSgroupie!
I have a friend who always texts quite late at night - usually around 11pm - just to "catch up". We have very patchy signal upstairs so texts occasionally come through a couple of hours later if I'm in bed with my phone in the same room.
This means I quite often pick the phone up, see that it's not important and go back to sleep without replying. Half the time, I've then forgotten all about it by the following morning, mainly because it's not about anything that actually requires action. The next time I see her she always moans about me not replying to her texts. I have told her that if she texts me at 11pm, chances are she's not going to get a reply, but she still does it and still gets the arse about me not replying.
I'm a text back as soon as receive one type. Because if I don't I forget.
But OP your friends sounds uptight and annoying.
I have a friend who likes to send a lot of texts but she accepts that I am not the same as her.
I am like the others who have said the good thing about texting is that it isn't as "in your face" as a ringing phone and if you really need an immediate answer for something then call the person.
I'm firmly in team I'll-answer-when-i'm-bloody-ready. Phone calls or texts.
I don't like the expectation that my time is dictatable by someone else. It doesn't matter if I'm rescuing a kitten from a tree or staring at my belly button, it's my time to do with what I wish, no-one gets to tell me that what I'm doing isn't important and I should be eagerly jumping on any chance to communicate with them. Fecking rude is what that is!
Maybe I'm a terrible person to be friends with, but frankly I don't feel the need to talk to everybody I know all day every day. Let's meet up, have a catch up or ask a specific favour and chances are I'll go out of my way to make sure it happens. Get a strop on about not wanting to engage in boring 'you ok?' > 'yeah - what you doing?' texts is ridiculous and incredibly dull. Pick up a book fgs.
My unscientific observations have also noted that the people who get throw their toys out the pram over ignored texts are the ones who think it's fine to carry on a text conversation with multiple people when you're actually sitting in the same room as them.
Balls to it - seriously can't be bothered with divas <grumpypants>
Whatever floats your boat mintyy
reply, yes, there are several reasons why i dont always reply to texts straight away.
If you have an emergency, then please call landline, otherwise, texts will be replied to as and when I have time
mind you, i rarely answer the landline either.
I can see both sides of this. You say the text was about organising a night out. In our group of friends, I'm the one who does the organising, mostly done by text. Most of the group get back to me quickly but there's one that takes ages to get back. Makes things more difficult when I'm coordinating flights, hotels, trains or whatever. I'm happy to organise but I think it's only courtesy to reply quickly, even if it's just to say I'll have to check and come back to you.
I can't believe this, I usually reply anything up to a few days later, especially for an invitation, I don't always know the answer straight away and don't want to be forced into replying to someone else's time-scale. If it's something that needs an answer that day I try to reply that day, but I am not a massive texter and I don't remember to look at my phone for that reason.
"I leave my phone downstairs at night, so I don't get texts til the next morning"
The emergency services don't recommend you do that. What if you have a fire or an intruder and your landline doesn't work?
In our house we use the landline as our main method of telecommunication. I only ring out on my mobile if I am out and about or ringing another mobile number. Most of our relatives are elderly and use the telephone so if our landline rings we always answer it as it could be important. Because we have a landline and own an alarm clocks all mobiles get switched off in our house at night.
Friend is totally U. If a friend sent me a stroppy message like that they wouldn't be a friend for much longer!
Am I the only one that sees the irony? I mean we have a bunch of prolific posters spending a nice sunny Sunday morning on their PC/phone bitching about people who think that they have nothing better to do than be on their phones.
Numberlock see that's slightly different, I probably wouldn't reply instantly, but if I knew someone was organising something then I'd reply as soon as I could.
A vague generic 'lets meet up soon because I'm bored' as opposed to 'is the 14th ok to book tickets for?' require different priorities imo.
I have to admit MTS that I've encouraged people to check out MN because if they want to fill their time chatting and no-one is available at that exact moment it's a good alternative.
Even on forums instantaneous replys aren't part of the etiquette. I've seen posters (not just here) put in their place for moaning about not getting replies five minutes after they post.
Mtsgroupie - you miss the point.
It is not that I don't have time to answer text. It is that I choose to do what I want with my free time.
I am in bed feeling shitty. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. But I am bored and fancy noodling on the Internet. Not massaging the pathetic insecurities of someone who wants an instant reply to a mundane text.
not exactly sure where my mobile is and I still haven't worked out how to open texts on it. <long dull story emoticon>
I respond to emails, as and when. txts are not likely to get much of a response.
btw - it is not a legal requirement to answer the phone. Let it ring if you are doing something else. As for txts...
MTSgroupie - no offence, but we probably wouldn't be best buds in real life. I can't help thinking that txts are for messages that don't need an immediate reply. I think I am a bit old for this technology.
Lisa - You are probably right. If you
can't be arsed are too busy to spend 30 seconds reading my text and replying 'ok. talk later' then I wouldn't want to be friend either.
I doubt is be your friend too. I would consider it much ruder to whoever I was with at the time be it a friend , the children or dh to stop to reply to your text.
To be honest if I knew someone like you there is no way you would even have my mobile number.
MTS, are you the kind of person who texts people when you're in the company of other friends and family? Like the woman I saw in a cafe yesterday who was dividing her attention between her friend and her phone?
Personally, I like to give my full attention to whatever I'm doing at any given time. So if I got a text while I was meeting a friend or playing with my kids, it would have to wait. I guess we wouldn't be friends.
I thing it's rude to assume people should answer straight away. My phone is locked away during the day and although I do check it lunchtimes I don't always. I will usually reply same day but I I don't spend my life glued to my mobile just in case somebody texts me. If its urgent, ring the person.
If somebody sent me a text like that they wouldn't stay my friend for long.
I expect people like this are also the same people who text others when they are out having a meal and expect the other person to just sit there while they play with their mobile.
MTSgroupie what is the etiquette on MN to indicate a friendly acknowledgement of different ways of looking at the world?
Mind you, although I haven't yet worked out how to receive txts on my phone yet, I probably wouldn't rush if I knew I was going to be shouted at for not looking at my phone (wherever it is, I think it has run out of charge as I still can't find it even when I ring it).
Not read the whole thread but YANBU.
Reminds me of a friend of mine... He'll text my partner and if that text isn't answered within 5 mins he'll ring. And if that call isn't answered, because say my fella's in the shower or something, he'll wait 5 mins and ring again, and so on.
His wife says it drives him mad when his texts/calls aren't returned/picked up immediately. He says whats the point in having a mobile? I tell him a mobile is for MY conveinience NOT his!
His hounding annoys the hell out of me but it also amuses me to not pick up my fellas phone when friend calls. I don't even tell fella he's called anymore lol.
I don't think YABU, it was only a day after all. I would wonder if you don't reply a lot though and then though your friend is unreasonable in her length of time she may see it as you not bothering with her in general.
I'm pretty much 6 of one 4 of the other when it comes to phones. I won't jump to reply unless it's something that has happened. I once was informed via text by a distraught friend that her mother had died, she was too devastated to talk but wanted to let me know, I sent her a message immediately back, of course i didn't expect a reply but i wouldn't 'wait' on answering even if relaxing because it was important.
On the other hand another friend constantly texts 'forward this' which i ignore, I've made it clear that shit doesn't fly with me- and she contacts almost every day to 'rant' about her day at work. With those i answer in my own time, if i'm free then i will, if i'm not then she waits. Those messages happen all the time and they are annoying after a while, least of all because i have limited texts and my friend's work issues are solvable, she just chooses not to.
On the other hand i have a friend who wants texting back right away or she gets annoyed and at the same time she expects people to chase her. She always says how busy she is, which is fine, but doesn't extend that to others. It's annoying to text her important things and have her ignore, like when we were organising a good friend a party; my friend did minimal work and didn't answer calls or texts but expected me to chase her. She was even updated random 'likes' and 'like here if you are against' messages from her mobile so she saw the messages. When it comes to her texting you though, she waits an hour before rattling off the same message again.
If you were a chaser like that OP, I could see why your friend would get cross but she was unreasonable to get stroppy in such a short amount of time. Honestly, if you were a chaser then she should have done what i did -wait for you to come to her with the typical 'hi stranger' line and then say 'well i thought you were too busy since you never respond to my calls or texts so out of courtesy i gave you the room you wanted.'
I think you and said friend need to talk OP. Only you two know how you both feel-she may feel unappreciated or she may be a 'chaser' herself- you should talk though because bad feeling isn't nice and you don't need her getting stroppy.
It's all about communicating isnt it? O the irony. Let your friends knowif you don't answer immediately it is no slight on them.
My friends know I don't always answer my phone immediately. I used toget some comments as long the lines of do you ever answer? And I would explain it may well be at bottom of bag, switched off etc.
But strangely I don't have any friends who demand instant access or insant replies. Because I suspect this kind of needy behaviour spills over into every aspect of their lives and it would make a friendship with them impossible because I am not that kind of person and would find them unbearably irritating.
Mts - I am recovering from an operaration - off my tits on codeine and mn is providing good divertion of attention from pain - what's your excuse?
My stepdad does this. It drives me up the flamin' wall.
He'll text you the most inane tripe and then wait 5 minutes. If you've not replied in that five minutes he'll text you again. Repeat the process. If no reply he'll repeat the process a third time before ringing your mobile, leaving a message, ringing the home phone, leaving a message, ringing DP's work, ringing DP's mum to see if she's gotten hold of us.................
I'm sorry, but I think it's on the same level as going up to someone and saying "^speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now speak to me now^"
Maddening hope you're on the mend.
Yanbu OP. I think anywhere up to 48 hours is a suitable time to get back to someone about a non-urgent text.
I am usually either working, cleaning, driving or sorting out my teenagers (or a combination of these).
I do not always have time to reply to text messages. My friends know this and are in the same boat. If someone got stroppy about that, I would question the friendship tbh.
That said, my BF of 20 years is known for not replying to anything. If you ask her to go somewhere (via email, phone message or text), and she decides she doesn't want to, she won't bother replying. She just ignores.
That drives me a bit batty actually. I guess I'm just used to it, but thinking about it now, it is quite rude really.
A reply, even if late, is better than no reply at all.
We really need an agreed etiquette. Yes, failing to reply at all to a direct question is really rude, particularly if you are trying to arrange something.
I would suggest - random 'how are you' 'just catching up' texts/calls - 48 hour window for response
Texts asking question or requiring info - 12 hours
Phone call asking /requesting with message - about 2 hours max, provided call made in reasonable hours.
And state funded counselling/therapy for those who get anxious or unhappy if people don't respond to them immediately. It must be quite a debilitating condition.
OP so, basically, you responded to a stroppy text with a stroppy text?
Retaliation is usually less morally blameworthy than starting off the strop. Don't blame op for being irritated. Because it IS very irritating.
Note - I have weeded out the people in my life who would do this, but they have left deep scars as I am getting very vicariously irritated....
I had a bit of a falling out with a friend over this a couple of weeks ago.
My phone battery had died and given the fact that my phone isn't glued to me, I hadn't noticed until I went to bed and set the alarm. When I turned it on, there was a stream of increasingly snotty texts from a friend about meeting up in the next week.
We had words.
If it's urgent, bloody well ring me!!!!
Your friend needs to get over herself. I would giving anyone who sent me a text like that a very wide berth...
My ex friend did this to me a lot. I let it slide a few times and told her that the mobile was there for my convinience, not hers and that if it was urgent, call me on the landline. A few weeks later she would do it again, then argue with me by text but refuse to talk to me over the phone or in person.
I can't be arsed with people like that. She was dropped not long after that. Anyone who acts like this to me is kept at arms length. It's more hassle that it's worth.
Maybe you should've given the thread a wide berth, eggyhead, since it ceased in April....!
Damn it...Zombie thread. I thought it looked familiar.
YANBU. I have a friend who texts me several times a day, every day asking various questions or telling me the latest bit of drama or gossip. It is annoying. Especially when she follows up her first text less than an hour later with 'why are you ignoring me?' or 'it's rude to ignore messages, you know'.
Sometimes I'm busy, and sometimes I do ignore her on purpose because I know if I text her back she'll just keep texting me all day, which I can't be bothered with. It causes a lot of tension in our friendship.
Yes, technically I have 30 seconds free to answer her texts, but sometimes I don't want to!
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