to think most men would jump at the chance of NSA sex?

(186 Posts)
Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sat 20-Apr-13 23:13:50

SO I met a guy in a bar about 2 weeks ago. Seemed like a nice guy and we swapped numbers. We were both quite clear that neither of us wanted a relationship. I said I was looking more for a Friends with Benefits type situation. We are both single - so no harm done.

Went to his house last week and one thing lead to another.

The week afterwards he turned quite cold towards me. I asked him if he wanted to meet up for round 2 again soon and he avoided the question and was basically playing games.

I said I couldn't be bothered playing games. He said ok then and deleted me off Facebook.

I'm really pissed off about it tbh. I think most men would love that type of offer and I don't get why he turned so horrible.

GreenPeppercorn Sat 20-Apr-13 23:16:25

You said you weren't bothered. He made it clear he wasn't bothered. What is there to be pissed off about? One night thing, hopefully pleasant for all. Chalk it up and move on.

picnicbasketcase Sat 20-Apr-13 23:18:27

He wanted one time sex, you wanted it to be more regular but still no strings attached. Even with casual relationships people can still want different things I guess.

Uppatreecuppatea Sat 20-Apr-13 23:18:37

No harm done then.

I don't think men like it when you turn the tables. Or maybe he is just playing hard to get?

Raum Sat 20-Apr-13 23:18:46

Been in the guys situation here and done the same, can't explain why he did it but he probably turned it down for a good reason. At least he didn't drag it out

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 23:19:55

'I think most men would love that type of offer'

But he didn't.

It could have been for any reason under the sun though.

I'm not sure why you're that pissed off because you've said you're not looking for a relationship, without being shitty, that's what's happened isn't it?

Fallenangle Sat 20-Apr-13 23:20:46

Ronseal moment. You got what it said on tin. He didn't want to dip his brush in the tin more than once.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sat 20-Apr-13 23:21:17

I don't think men like it when you turn the tables

I don't think I turned the tables though. I was really upfront about what I wanted.

All he ever said to me was that he didn't want a relationship and that he'd been single for 4 years now.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sat 20-Apr-13 23:22:04

I'm not sure why you're that pissed off because you've said you're not looking for a relationship, without being shitty, that's what's happened isn't it?

Yes. But I wasn't looking for a one night stand either.

CabbageLeaves Sat 20-Apr-13 23:22:16

I can't see what the issue is here? He wanted a one night stand and no more.... And you agreed to that?

CabbageLeaves Sat 20-Apr-13 23:22:33

X posted

cantspel Sat 20-Apr-13 23:23:40

maybe for him the sex was crap or he had his beer gogles on or maybe he is not looking for a shag buddy.

Who can say but if you was only looking for sex why are you bothered?

Casmama Sat 20-Apr-13 23:24:18

Maybe he just wanted a one off or maybe he expected you to be so overcome when you did the deed that you would suddenly want a relationship and was pissed off by your indifference.
There are many possible explanations, don't drive yourself crazy thinking about it.
It does seem odd that you didn't want a relationship where you could reasonably have expectations of each other- instead you want casual but then are really annoyed when he doesn't live up to our expectations. Are you sure about what you want?

Tweasels Sat 20-Apr-13 23:24:28

You are contradicting yourself because you are questioning why he does't want a sexual relationship with you.

You're trying to attach strings to your no strings attached deal.

He wanted a one off shag, not an ongoing relationship.

Continually having sex with the same person is a relationship.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sat 20-Apr-13 23:26:28

maybe for him the sex was crap or he had his beer gogles on or maybe he is not looking for a shag buddy.

We were both sober. I didn't sleep with him the night I met him, I went over to his house about a week later.

Maybe the sex was crap - he came twice so couldn't have been the worst sex that has ever taken place.

cantspel Sat 20-Apr-13 23:30:27

well maybe it is just a case of been there, done that and he just doesn't want a repeat performance.

Either way if you were just after a shag i dont see why it matters what his reasons were.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 23:30:27

Are you pretending you don't want a relationship because you've been burnt in the past, but secretly you're hoping they fall for you without you laying yourself open to the pain of being rejected?

(I'm massively making it up reading between the lines there and may have mixed your OP up with a plot for a mills and boons I've never read grin)

ilovesooty Sat 20-Apr-13 23:30:30

You weren't looking for a relationship. He didn't want to have sex with you again. I can't see what the issue is - though "deleted me off Facebook" sounds pretty immature.

Casmama Sat 20-Apr-13 23:30:48

Sorry xposts. You have no more right to expect continuation of a FWB arrangement after the first occasion than you do to expect a relationship after a second date. Your anger is misplaced I think.

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 23:30:58

Men can decide against it for exactly the same reasons as women. Maybe he wanted NSA but with more of a connection/friendship. If there's not much chemistry it won't be great sex.

ALittleStranger Sat 20-Apr-13 23:32:55

This > "Continually having sex with the same person is a relationship."

I think most men are very sceptical that repeat NSA sex can ever really be free of strings. Either they are wary that women are trying to sucker them in to a proper relationship by stealth, or they are wary of feelings developing.

I'm inclined to think the caution is entirely reasonable, on both counts.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sat 20-Apr-13 23:34:52

Whichever way you slice it, FWB is a relationship and he doesn't want a relationship.

I'm in a situation similar only I'm the one who doesn't want to meet up again.

Enjoyed it when it happened but just dont fancy doing it again with him. No particular reason.

Dont over think it

SpanishFly Sat 20-Apr-13 23:38:09

Surely sleeping with someone regularly would be classed as some form of a relationship to most men?

SpanishFly Sat 20-Apr-13 23:39:38

If you want no-strings-attached sex then why is a one night stand so unappealing to you? Surely thats the ultimate in no-strings-attached?

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 23:40:27

Isn't 'friends with benefits' something you drift into gradually as/when, rather than something you both decide on beforehand?

Uppatreecuppatea Sat 20-Apr-13 23:44:24

He doesn't want to be with you. Even with no strings.

Go fishing elsewhere....find deeper waters for you. He is not for you.

Have fun fishing though grin

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 21-Apr-13 00:21:03

I see why you're annoyed - honestly I do - but the truth is you'll never know why he's not interested in continuing to see you. He doesn't even know you though, so it's unlikely to be anything you did.

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 07:18:17

Deleting off Facebook can be childish but can also be fear of stalking I am the sort who doesn't make loads of Facebook contacts. It's a really strictly only people I feel affection or trust a lot list

I have a colleague who is lovely but... She mails/texts her date and then mails/texts again before they have chance to respond. She's very intense and has recently been upset when dumped by two blokes she really liked. Each time I suspect it's been her intensity. She would tell you that she doesn't chase whilst in the same breath saying so I mailed him...and then I realised he might have I mailed him again...he didn't reply which I though was odd so I mailed again to say sorry about the no. of emails but I was just..... In her head each time she gave him options and reassurances of her 'not chasing' whilst cornering the poor bloke.

You probably don't see yourself like this OP and I'm sure you are not but... To post a thread about this suggests one thing yet your words say another. I think you are not really after what he's after. You don't want commitment but you do want a relationship (eg Facebook) He wanted relationship, commitment free sex.

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 07:23:54

op, what is your problem?
you offered 'no strings' sex, he took it, and now you are offended because he doesn't want to be roped in to doing it again?
who cares why he doesn't?
perhaps its because he doesn't want to be hanging around with a woman who has sex with virtual strangers.

WMittens Sun 21-Apr-13 07:35:19

Can I just step in to defend the honour of 'not-most' men and say not every man is going to jump at the chance of NSA sex.

BalloonSlayer Sun 21-Apr-13 07:40:35

Well maybe in the meantime he has met someone that he wants to have a relationship with?

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 21-Apr-13 07:44:14

You surely have to be friends for fwb to actually work? U met him in a bar. That's one night stand territory. U didn't want a rel but get grumpy he won't see u again for 'no strings sex' but ur view of sex has strings to it doesn't it? Ur grumpiness makes him delete u off fb. Sorry but possibly where u see ur behaviour one way he saw something else entirely.

I think he's probably right to delete as this doesn't sound workable between u. Better luck next time.

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 21-Apr-13 07:46:33

I also don't believe most guys want NSA any more than most women do. NSA tends to suit for a short time frame. Genuinely most people long term want a rel.

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 07:52:28

perhaps its because he doesn't want to be hanging around with a woman who has sex with virtual strangers This is a disgusting comment. He had sex with a virtual stranger. Your comment implies some sort of judgement on women alone for this behaviour. You might have different judgement values but apply it to both sexes.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 21-Apr-13 07:56:45

YABU to use your one experience to make a generalisation about "most men".

And your experience proves your point. You had sex, you didn't have a relationship. No need to get pissy because he didn't want to have sex with you again. Are you feeling a bit hurt about that?

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 08:16:18

You did say you wanted a "friend with benefits". Is that exactly what you told him? If so, perhaps he took that as one night stands only.
Perhaps he wanted affection and didn't get it, or didn't want affection involved and felt you were too friendly for him.
Perhaps he just wanted sex like a prostitute for free - no kissing or hugging etc.

Who knows.? His interpretation of 'no relationship' probably meant not even as a friend.
He was not for you, you were not for him - forget him.

Shakirasma Sun 21-Apr-13 08:30:17

You met 2 weeks ago, decided you both fancied some NSA bedroom fun. You met up a week ago, then 1 week later you were pushing to meet up again?

Thats not NSA, that's dating. You came on too strong and he has run for the hills.

Sorry OP but you asked for a repeat far too soon and scared him off.

Tee2072 Sun 21-Apr-13 08:33:30

Did you say 'I don't want strings, but I want more than one night?'

Because to me? That's strings.

So if you didn't say that, then he didn't know you wanted more than one night.

And as soon as it's more than one night, it's no longer NSA.

ArtVandelay Sun 21-Apr-13 08:36:43

YABU, your assertion that 'most men would love that type of offer' is deeply flawed. There are so many variables based on individual personal tastes, beliefs and preferences that you cannot possibly say that what you are offering here is irresistible. It's pretty conceited really! I know it probably burns that he decided he didn't fancy you anymore but seriously, reel in the outrage and allow your relationships to develop naturally rather than trying to control people. When you meet the right person it won't be this stressful smile

Justaperfectday Sun 21-Apr-13 08:43:13

Maybe he just didn't want to?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 21-Apr-13 08:46:53

You had no strings attached sex.

that means no strings

Including not having to do it again.

Although he was rude about it. I don't think no strings attached gives someone the right to be discouteous.

But what are you peeved about? You wanted sex with no strings. You got it. You should be feeling, well, nothing right now. Shouldn't you?

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 08:48:21

You might have been a crap shag, or he just didn't want to be used.

MagicHouse Sun 21-Apr-13 08:50:34

I also think that a man who jumped at the offer of "no strings attached" sex would assume this to mean no phone calls/ no making arrangements/ maybe just bumping into each other and getting together again. Calling to arrange a "date" to meet up would scare a man like that off.
I think you need to work out exactly what you want, otherwise you're just going to end up getting hurt.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 21-Apr-13 08:53:51

True. There's a difference between 'no strings attached' and (I really hate this term but I can't think of another!) 'fuck buddies'

Perhaps he saw no strings attached as a one night stand, whereas you were looking for a FB arrangement?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 21-Apr-13 08:54:17


As soon as I pressed post, it came to me grin

Tee2072 Sun 21-Apr-13 08:56:23

Hec grin

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 21-Apr-13 08:56:38

blush and it's right there in your op.

In my defence I have had this page open for ages while I went to the loo and got a coffee so I forgot what you actually said! grin

Ignore EVERYTHING I said. You were very clear with him about what you wanted. I don't know what the HELL I am on about! hmm

If you only just met him then you aren't friends. So it isn't a FWB situation. So there is no real impetus to see you again. I'm sure the sex was fine and good but meeting up again might feel like dating territory considering you don't know each other.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 21-Apr-13 08:58:42

hiya Tee.

What the hell is the matter with me, eh?

I come spout a load of bollocks that is basically just saying what the op said in her bloody first post.

She's going to come and read this and go like this

WeAreEternal Sun 21-Apr-13 09:02:17

The most shocking thing I find about this is that you added your one night stand on Facebook.

But seriously, you didn't want a relationship, neither does he, you had nsa sex and now it's over.
It sounds like you are annoyed because you were hoping for a NSA relationship, which is technically still a relationship, and something you told him you didn't want.

HollyBerryBush Sun 21-Apr-13 09:54:13

You got what it said on tin. He didn't want to dip his brush in the tin more than once.

I did laugh at that. I read a few of the more amusing comments on P1 to DH

I said, if you were single would you take up the offer? He said, no thanks, I'm fussy where I dip my brush!

Oddly we were having a conversation at work on Friday about dating in your 40's when you are back in the market. Male collegue said he was mortally offended as he has had 3 approaches to be a fuck buddy, and he simply isn't into NSA sex at all, he likes to be in a mutually respectful relationship.

I don't know how old the OP is, she hasn't given that away, but from our perspective of our friendship gorup hitting 50, one or two of DH mates are divorced and dating again. They say it's awful out there, not like back in their day where you did a fair bit of courtesy and traditional courting - they quite passionately hate being cornered by desperate for a shag women. Similarly, of Sunday morning I can usually see a whole raft of very drunken pictures of my single 40-something mates, looking quite desperate to pick up a bloke.

scaevola Sun 21-Apr-13 10:01:50

You cannot generalise what 'all men want': but it does seem true of him. NSA meant not even FWB.

He was clear that he didn't want a relationship, but you were both up for a shag anyhow. There's nothing wrong with wanting only a one night stand. Next time, listen when that's what someone's telling you.

Sallyingforth Sun 21-Apr-13 10:08:51

You said 'FWB' in your introduction. But the F is Friends. That's a relationship, and he doesn't want one.
More on.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 10:35:54

WeAreEternal he asked if he could add me, I didn't see the problem.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 10:38:33

HollyBerryBush I don't really care what your DH has to say.

And I'm in my early 20s (he is late 20s.) So no I'm not a desperate 40 year old looking for a shag as you so kindly put it.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 10:41:05

You might have been a crap shag, or he just didn't want to be use

I'm not but thanks for that.

He came twice and wanted me to stay the night so.

HollyBerryBush Sun 21-Apr-13 10:46:58

The reason you cant get a bloke is probably your aggressive attitude.

Act like a bike, you'll be used like one.

If you are going to put your thread on a public forum, expect to get comments, from my POV I really CBA to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 10:50:58

Ouch, Holly, that was a bit harsh. OP entered into a legitimate arrangement after all, even though expectations might be different.

I think women generally find it harder to compartmentalise and can't shrug off indifference to them in the same way that some men can.

Age group might make a difference too; most 20 year olds don't have many long-term relationships in the way that over 40's do.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 10:51:00

The reason I can't get a bloke? What the hell? Maybe I have an aggressive attitude but at least I'm not a bitch.

I recently came out of a 4 year relationship. I don't want to jump into anything that serious so soon afterwards. That's why a FWB thing is good for me at this time in my life.

Stop trying to score cheap points and get on with your Sunday.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 10:54:37

Ibelieve... but he's NOT a friend, is he? That's the premises of FWB, that they actually care about you as a friend as well as find you attractive.

Don't get upset by posters' views here although I agree that some are finding ways to get in little 'digs' for some reason.

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Apr-13 10:55:19

he was not playing games he wanted sex that's all

Friends with benefits is that a friend you have sex with he is not a friend

Maybe it's not what you are really wanting

Helltotheno Sun 21-Apr-13 10:56:23

to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective.

Well as it happens, there isn't any one male perspective Holly so I doubt OP is hanging out to hear your DH's somehow... wink

OP that's tough but you can put it behind you. I'd say next time don't state NSA upfront. I mean you can meet someone and say you want to take things slow: that might result in a relationship of two months, 6 months, 10 years, who knows? There's no need to label things... just play it by ear.

Re the facebook thing, my FB is just people I know pretty well so I can't even imagine adding a complete stranger, no way in hell, esp someone that I only meant as an NSA.... the whole idea is that NSAs don't get to be involved in other aspects of your life! But that's just me....

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 10:57:19

you were clear, he was clear. Move on.

Telli g him he was game playing is critical.

Thats probably not what he wants from a shag

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Apr-13 10:58:24

Act like a bike hmm have I just gone back in time by 20 years

Seriously op have a think what you really do want. Men will sense that you may want more and back off leaving you feeling confused nothin wrong with no strings sex, sex with friends can become complicated at times

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 21-Apr-13 11:00:46

hollyberrybush - "If you are going to put your thread on a public forum, expect to get comments, from my POV I really CBA to set DH up with an ID for MN just so he can give you a male perspective."

but the OP didn't ask for your husband's 'male perspective', did she?

She asked MNetters opinions when she put her thread up. If your husband is so inclined to comment upon threads on public forums, you'd think he'd be arsed to set up his own MN ID.

Your attitude to the OP sounds aggressive. You sound quite judgmental about people in their 40s on the dating scene.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 11:01:30

Don't get upset by posters' views here although I agree that some are finding ways to get in little 'digs' for some reason

Thank you. I guess after a 4 year relationship things can be confusing, the first 3 years were amazing, the last year was hell. I lost weight to the point where my periods stopped and he made me feel worthless to the point where I just wanted it all to end.

I started dating someone a month after the relationship ended and realised that I wasn't ready for that kind of thing at all. It wasn't fair to either of us.

This other guy, he was really fun to hang out with and great to chat to so I sort of hoped that we would become friends and have the benefits included. I've never done anything like that before and I thought being straight and up front about it was the best thing.

But yeah its clearly blown up in my face and I should put it down to experience and move on. So thank you.

LessMissAbs Sun 21-Apr-13 11:03:03

Rather than a man who wants NSA, he sounds like a man who will treat women poorly if he can get away with it. Your stating of your wants probably took the control away from him. Hes already had NSA, so by deleting you off Facebook (if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have accepted your friend request in the first place), he gets (in his mind) to reassert control.

Plenty of men prefer sex in a LTR, with someone they have a "connection" with. Also, NSA most people would take to mean less than once a week, but more like once every couple of months I think.

He sounds like an arse.

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Apr-13 11:03:41

As much as I love sex you can go without it for a while until you know what you really do want certainly helped me not get into yet another crap relationship and value myself more


The bloke did nothign wrong. He ujst didn't want sex with you again.

Your title is overgeneralising men too. Men don't actually just want to shag anything that moves and lets them. Just like women.

You need to forget about it. You did nothgin wrong, he did nothign wrong.

And meeting strangers for sex isn't a FWB situation, it is just a FB situation. Can be a one night stand or a more regular thing, but only do it if you are strong enough to not care when they call it off.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 21-Apr-13 11:05:41

OP - you're not coming across as aggressive at all. I'd chalk this one down to experience and move on.

I know a few people where the FWB situation works perfectly for both of them but as said by someone previously, it usually happens naturally by mutual agreement rather than something that is 'agreed up front'. Good luck.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 11:06:38

by deleting you off Facebook (if he didn't like it, he shouldn't have accepted your friend request in the first place

He text me to ask if he could add me on FB, I wouldn't have bothered to add him if I'm honest.

That's why I find it so strange that he deleted me.

lottieandmia Sun 21-Apr-13 11:07:03

Ah, well you see the thing about any casual relationship is that either of you can walk away at any time and does not owe the other party an explanation.

So if you're stressing about why he doesn't want to see you again, maybe FWB is not for you?

Ibelieve don't feel bad, this hasn't blown up in your face, it just wasn't meant to be anything more than it was.

Continue doing what you do, protecting yourself from being hurt by a relastionship while having (safe) no strings sex if you want to with people. Nothing wrong with that.

Be open and honest about what you want.

Ignore the little digs from some people.

Just don't assume all men will jump at the chance for NSA sex. There are a lot of different people out there going through a lot of different things, wanting different things in life...

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 11:08:22

Thanks dontyourwantmebaby was almost in tears, but you've made me feel a lot better.

So have a lot of other people on here - so thank you. smile

It's just a confusing time in my life right now, so it's not come at the best of times really.

Helltotheno Sun 21-Apr-13 11:09:05

Pity you didn't get in there first OP grin

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Apr-13 11:10:13

Make the most of your time alone for a bit not too long. When you are in an emotional position to know what you really want you feel so much better about things when they do not turn out right smile

MooMooSkit Sun 21-Apr-13 11:10:53

Hah, my OH was reading this thread over my shoulder and he agrees he doubts you were a crap shag (he contends his rubbish one night stands usually ended with him NOT finishing and going ahem, soft!) and I agree. I think he literally DID just want it to be one night only, fair enough, dust yourself and move on, you sound strong and confident so go and see what else is out there!

Do think YABU about the thread title though, there's still a lot of "men" would like this set up when it's not always true! I wanted the whole NSA sex with my current OH and when I said that he didn't want that (which, I must admit, really shocked me!) we ended up dating after a while then just got together. I did find it hard to find guys that felt comfortable to have an NSA thing when I was single, perhaps I was just unlucky, but bth times I asked for this set up the guy ended up wanting more. (god i sound big headed!) but i do think it's possible to find and i've always liked the idea of being single with a friend with benefits!

pickledginger Sun 21-Apr-13 11:12:17

'The reason you cant get a bloke is probably your aggressive attitude.'

'Act like a bike, you'll be used like one.'

Misogynistic bullshit.

Casmama Sun 21-Apr-13 11:12:26

OP I hope you ignore the judgemental BS from people like Holly who at twice your age has a different perspective.
You are perfectly within your rights to do what you did and I think those suggesting you we're a crap shag are disgusting and shouldn't have bothered o post if they couldn't be more constructive.
I don't think you have been aggressive in your response when you consider what you are responding to and hope you find an arrangement to suit your needs.

pickledginger Sun 21-Apr-13 11:13:36

Yes. HollyBerryBush appears to be from the 1950s.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 11:15:47

You sound nice, Ibelieve. I'm glad you're recovered from your relationship and getting your health back now. Sounds like you had a horrid time in the last year.

My advice would be to get out and about with friends and much as you can, meet as many new people as you can and keep in mind what dontyouwantmebaby says - FWB happens by mutual agreement.

I laughed a bit at Holly's post because I'm completely unconvinced that a sane man would ever confess their deepest thoughts and desires to their scrutinising and analytical partner. Wise ones feign innocent shock whilst quickly thinking of the 'right' response... There, just had a little dig back for you, Ibelieve. grin

Mumsyblouse Sun 21-Apr-13 11:17:54

This might not apply to you, but one of my friends on the dating scene really can't cope with one night stands or men just hooking up every now and again for sex. She thought she could, but she's too emotionally vulnerable, and gets fixated on them as if they are in a relationship.

If you are feeling emotionally delicate then perhaps NSA or even a FWB is not going to be the answer especially if you really do expect a longer term experience (based on sex or not).

Mumsyblouse Sun 21-Apr-13 11:19:59

And, I also agree lots of men in bars are looking for relationships as well as NSA sex.

On this one, definitely time to move on.

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 11:22:45

i really dont think most men would jump at a chance of NSA sex.

Some men would, but most attractive men and women worth having, dont have any trouble finding willing sex partners if they want to. Doesnt mean they do.

NotDavidTennant Sun 21-Apr-13 11:23:12

He seemed nice, but turns out he was a bit of a dick. Recognise that if you're going to have a NSA with someone you've more or less only just met then this is a risk you will take. Learn from it and move on. If you can't move on then maybe NSA aren't for you.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Sun 21-Apr-13 11:25:46

I think we go to the same places on a night out so I'll just have to make sure I'm looking my best, give him a big smile if I see him and then walk on by without a care in the world grin

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-13 11:25:52

Why was he a bit of a dick?

I think by avoiding the OP's questions regarding 'meeting up for round 2', he was probably trying to spare her feelings.

He just didn't want sex with her again that's all.

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 11:30:35

I think its a shame so many women feel that they have to pretend they want NSA, when in actual fact they only want strings attached one way, and they find it quite difficult to handle when the guy isnt particularly into them, even if hes happy to fuck them once.

Its happened to me before, and it was a hard lesson to learn

JennifersBody Sun 21-Apr-13 11:32:12

Not surprised Holly hasn't come back. I love how people jump on the OP always saying - "you sound very aggressive".

And Holly it's very obvious on here that people hate it when someone say "my DH says ..." because no-one actually gives a shit what anyones DH says unless they come on here and say it for themselves.

You should also reassess how you judgmental you are towards your friends who are now single too. Otherwise with your attitude you might find yourself single and friendless too at some point.

lollilou Sun 21-Apr-13 11:33:21

I think you've been hurt by this and maybe you are not ready for this type of NSA thing.
I imagine you're confidence has taken a knock from your past relationship and although you will prob deny it you do want to be wanted by this guy. I suggest moving on and perhaps taking a step back for a while.

GoblinGranny Sun 21-Apr-13 11:49:24

He did jump at it, just not twice.
You could try again with a wig and a heavy accent, or you could look out for another opportunity for NSA sex with someone different.
Either way, I don't think he's a dick or a game-player, he had sex with you once, because that's what you offered and he wanted.

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 11:49:31

god I hate it when people decide to tell everyone what their DHs views are on a subject.

As if we give a fuck.

A MAN gave his view. Well that SETTLES the issue then.

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 11:50:08

I had only one friend with benefits - and it was only that he was in love with me but I wasn't with him. Hence my term 'friend'.

Then I met and fell head over heels in love with the man of my dreams and didn't want anyone else touching me or me touching them.

I did feel sorry for my friend, but I did not lead him on < and he did lie to me about his age as was much older than he said>.

Agree with those who said fwb is an organic thing that you have to play by ear - you can't really determine it upfront.

Dust yourself down OP and move on - but I can understand that it probably hurt and felt like a rejection of sorts. As others said, reassess whether you're resilient enough to handle no strings, and if you are, give it another go :-)

And yeah I also can't abide it when posters say 'I asked DH about this and he said blah blah'

This from Branleuse > As if we give a fuck

HollyBerryBush Sun 21-Apr-13 11:59:07

I do apologise for not sitting perpetually at a PC waiting for someone to make a post. I tend to pop in and out as it suits me.

Anything specific you would like answered? Or have you all decided there is only one accepted POV?

ONS were never for me nor DH when he was young free and single. Of course we are of another generation. Christ, being 20 would be an horrible experience these days. Very unclear boundaries. Minefield to negotiate.

I was pointing out not all blokes are up for a ONS. They don't all dip their wicks when a bit of meat is put out on a plate.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm popping off again for a while. I do apologise for having other things to do on a beautiful sunny day grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 12:03:12

I hope that smugness doesn't come back to haunt you, HollyBerryBush. Your turn of phrase is horrid. It says quite a lot. Enjoy your sunshine...

Superiority complex much Holly?

Referring to someone as a piece of meat is vile.

JennifersBody Sun 21-Apr-13 12:08:33

I think the only POV that everyone has accepted on here is that you are an extremely harsh and judgmental person.

You were not pointing out anything. You were having a dig and just being nasty for the sake of it. Really horrid attitude to have.

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 21-Apr-13 12:15:21

I think whatever generation you are from, being in your twenties has always had its own minefield to navigate esp where (sexual) relationships are concerned.

No, not all blokes are up for a ONS. Similarly nor are all women. But some are. Its up to individuals what they choose to do with their bodies.

You can post from your picnic blanket in the sun these days you know...its not all about being perpetually chained to a PC waiting for someone to post. As for calling people pieces of meat. What a horrible, spiteful thing to say.

Anonymity of the internet really brings out the worst in some people.

branlouse I disagree with you, I think in threads like this, where the OP has stated somethgin about 'mist men' it is quite insightful to get men's opinions, even if they are MNers DHs and don't have accounts of their own on here.

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 12:42:15

Yes, I agree, but they have to be honest male opinions.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 21-Apr-13 13:06:44

I am sorry you are feeling misled by this man OP but he has been honest with you and not strung things out. You can't expect someone who has had sex with you once, to always want sex with you. Imagine if the sexes were reversed and the man was pushing the woman to be always available for NSA hook-ups.

And no IME most men, not even a sizeable minority of men, would jump at the chance of NSA sex full stop - it would be context and person dependent. DH for one would be horrified grin

However there have been some horribly judgmental and misogynistic comments on here about women and ONSs. I hope you get what you are looking for OP but a FWB arrangement may be better sought / nurtured among your existing social network. (that sounds a very professional way of putting it but YKWIM!)

SpanishFly Sun 21-Apr-13 13:46:21

Ibelieve you said "he wanted me to stay the night." DID you stay the night, or did you go home?

It sounds to me as if HE wanted more than NSA, actually.

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 21-Apr-13 14:13:43

I agree that there are a few really awful comments on here, but I'm glad to see most are sensible and supportive.

It is a rejection, of a kind. It's not nice at a vulnerable stage, when you would probably appreciate the validation of somebody finding you attractive. This really is his issue though. I'm certain of it. You met and had a good time together, but he has something going on which means he has been frightened off. God knows what goes on in another person's head.

Try to forget about it. And I agree with maybe not trying to get into such an arrangement in the immediate future. It is frequently more complicated than fun.

JennifersBody Sun 21-Apr-13 14:44:11

Damn Binks you speak some wise words smile

You're either not really ready for a FWB/fuck buddy type of set up yet, or you don't really want one, or you're not cut out for one.

If you were, this wouldn't have bothered you this much. You would have accepted that you had one good night together which he didn't want to repeat, and then not given it much more thought.

He did nothing wrong.

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 15:02:42

"Yes, I agree, but they have to be honest male opinions." shock

You mean....there's a different test to be applied for male opinions?grin

McNewPants2013 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:12:02

I don't think either Of you was wrong.

He may have wanted a NSA type of relationship but didn't feel comfortable continuing.

Either way chalk in down as experience and move on.

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 15:55:31

Wow some vile specimens of humanity on this thread, Holly being one of them.

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 15:57:22

Op you have had some good advice amongst the stone throwers who'd fit well in with a witches ducking pond sort of scenario It does sound like you need to nurture yourself a wee bit more

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 21-Apr-13 16:13:34

Thanks, JennifersBody! That's really nice of you to say.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 21-Apr-13 16:43:11

OP it sounds as though he wasn't happy that you were happy to continue on a FWB system. I am thinking he may have thought you would fall for him and want more whereby he could then decide the shots.

Or he liked you and was vaguely offended when you just wanted a shag. As I have heard men have feelings too wink

There is a big diff between FWB and ONS and I can understand why you were confused but just chalk it down to experience. Onwards and upwards!

andubelievedthat Sun 21-Apr-13 16:49:12

Perhaps he was in a relationship already?

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 17:06:08

How lovely to be 'jumped on' <grin> at my comment. Thought somebody would.

Can somebody tell me how to get the funny faces up on my posts? I love them but can't get them to work.

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 17:18:51

digerd gringrin

look below your message box and see the list of smileys.

grin is: [ followed immediately by grin then immediately followed by ]

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 17:20:02

just substitute [ and ] for the < and > you used above.

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 17:22:34

I think women (and men) are always being told that men want NSA sex and it's their dream situation.

So when women offer it and then men don't take them up on it, women can feel slightly flummoxed and insulted and pissed off that they're not behaving like the stereotype says they should. It feels personal, like they're being rejected because there's something wrong with them, otherwise the man would adhere to the stereotype, right?

Except of course, that the stereotype is wrong. A man is no more or less likely to want NSA sex than a woman. Lots of them feel obliged to pretend they do when bantering with friends, but the ones who actually do are probably found in exactly the same numbers as women who do.

Don't take it personally. He just behaved like himself and himself has no reflection on you.

Oh and don't take the feeble-minded misogyny personally either. They're the result of people not having as much to do on a Sunday afternoon as they pretend they have. And of course, a lack of reading.

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 17:28:55

yes, Basil. I'd think to make an assumption that 'most men would want NSA sex' indicates they don't really know a lot about men?

And I can't be the only innocent who read the title as 'NASA sex'. I thought, wow, that puts the mile high club in it's place.

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 17:29:48

[smile[ 1st attempt

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 17:31:26

[embarrassed] 2nd attempt

VelvetSpoon Sun 21-Apr-13 17:32:11

OP, YANBU. FWBs are some 21st century urban myth.

As a longterm singleton, I would say the actual number of men 'out there' (be that in bars, in the workplace, on various OD sites, wherever) who are looking for a relationship is actually REALLY small. Tiny, in fact.

Likewise the number who want some sort of FWB/ no strings arrangement.

Most single men in their 30s and 40s (and probably above and below that agegroup, but 30s/40s is the one I have direct experience of) just want occasional sex. Generally their hand will do for this purpose, occasionally they want an actual woman. But they don't really care who, and however good or not good the sex is, they won't bother seeing her again.

When I was first single, and bemoaning my lack of a sex life, loads of people said 'Oh you need to find yourself a FWB while you're looking for Mr Right'. Trust me it is not that easy, I met one bloke who suggested that was what he wanted. We went out, got on ok, slept together (which he told me after was the best sex he could remember...which would suggest he enjoyed it) he was in contact for the next week, and then disappeared, never to be heard from again. Oh, and he's still very much single.

MeVsMadonnaVsElvis Sun 21-Apr-13 17:32:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 17:32:57

blush 3rd attempt

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 17:33:05

<drums fingernails>

digerd Sun 21-Apr-13 17:34:46

grin Thanks- got it at last.

sunshine401 Sun 21-Apr-13 17:37:15

What is the problem?? No relationship you didn't get one. End of really.

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 17:38:28


pickledginger Sun 21-Apr-13 17:44:01

'They don't all dip their wicks when a bit of meat is put out on a plate'

That's utterly vile. Is that how you see women who don't behave as you do?

musicismylife Sun 21-Apr-13 17:56:11

Hi op, I have just read your posts. Maybe give your time to emotionally heal before wanting NSA sex. Especially as it seems you've been in quite a terrible relationship. I feel for you, op, it isn't easy. The problem with NSA is that if you see them more than once, an attachment can start to form. NSA is perfect for me now but wasn't when I as going through the end of a terrible relationship. And I suppose NSA isn't about being kind or sensitive.

I hope you find what you're looking for, op. I must admit, your post brought a tear to my eye sad

Mondrian Sun 21-Apr-13 19:34:13

Male opinion - This has turned into a very interesting thread. I don't think I can speak on behalf of all men as we are so diverse (just like women). For me NSA is about an inner journey, call it self satisfaction - so it has nothing to do with the other person, where as FWB is an understanding between two people that requires a high level of friendship before the benefits come. The dynamics are quite different. Of course there is a third category, mutual desperation. OP Which best defines your relationship?

SoleSource Sun 21-Apr-13 19:39:33

He was cold towards you. You are better off without him. His fucking loss! X

Pan Sun 21-Apr-13 19:55:58

I doubt v much if it is 'his loss' tbh - he happily walked away from 'free sex', apparently, and v probably isn't complaining about it to a bunch of strangers. Which could be seen as a bit of a slap round the face with a wet kipper, of course. Which comes back to the OPs 'suitability' for NSA exchanging of secretions, and a suggestion it's a matter of self-esteem to be thought about.

ALittleStranger Sun 21-Apr-13 20:13:22

God there are some vile misogynistic comments being posted here. Driven in part I suspect by a fear certain posters have of being back on the scene if their DHs ever do the dirty on them.

But can we also stop the "his loss". We have no grounds for thinking either of them has lost out, is in the wrong, etc etc. This is just how it goes, NSA means brief. Frequent, repeat runs are strings and you can't be FWB if you're not F.

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Apr-13 20:19:03

I agree with the his loss we have no idea what he is thinking and does it really matter

The op needs to move on, not give it a second thought what he thinks or will think of if they are to meet again it may never happen and concentrate on the person that matter most to her, herself

McBalls Sun 21-Apr-13 20:28:53

Having been intimate with this man once does not entitle either of you to assume it will/should happen again.

Nothing wrong with you suggesting it of course and I can understand feeling a little burned at his rejection but to suggest that not wanting more sex with you makes him 'horrible' or somehow a weird variant of a man is a pretty mean and entitled way of thinking.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-13 20:47:20

Exactly McBalls

And I can't help thinking that if the OP were a man, he'd be told to 'Get over himself' and accused of thinking he's 'God's gift', or something.

Fuckwittery Sun 21-Apr-13 21:00:04

He was just not into you OP. I can see how it's puzzling if the sex was good, but he may have not thought it was as good as you thought it was or thought your personalities were going to clash on more regular meets. Move on and up!

I suppose it's possible he's met someone else he'd like something more than NSA with.

I've had a few lovely FWB over the years and the emphasis has always been on the friend bit - if you already trust someone and feel affection for them as a friend, and you happen to fancy each other and you both happen to be single at the same time and neither of you want a full blown relationship, it can be great. That's a lot of 'and's - I don't think it's something that can be manufactured or sought out, it needs to be the right person because it is a relationship, just a different type. Tellingly, I'm still friends with most of them, even though the 'benefits' are not there any more as we've paired off with other people.

NSA - I've had my fair share of that too. IME (as an oldie), it's also something that's best if it's not sought out but happens organically (and safely!) at the end of a fun night out. I realise things are different these days and dating seems to be much more of a project and less something people just fall into with people they naturally come across in their day to day lives. I think most people, men and women, want to be with someone who is into them, no matter how brief the encounter, and not with someone simply because of the type of relationship or non-relationship they are offering.

Don't know if that makes any sense, I know what I mean.

Sounds like it's tough out there these days. If I was ever without DP I'd probably just settle down with the cats now. Hope you find happiness x

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 21:13:16

perhaps its because he doesn't want to be hanging around with a woman who has sex with virtual strangers This is a disgusting comment. He had sex with a virtual stranger. Your comment implies some sort of judgement on women alone for this behaviour. You might have different judgement values but apply it to both sexes
no, cabbageleaves, i won't. the op wanted to be cheap sex (free, in fact) and she succeeded, and now she's complaining.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 21:15:37 you think that men should pay for sex ?

with dinner, with drinks, with a relationship, with marriage ?

think about what you saying

Scrazy Sun 21-Apr-13 21:43:31

The guy isn't a dick, he won't think of it as his loss and he certainly won't be upset that the OP wanted him for NSA sex, his heart might not be in it to continue and you are not really in his thoughts for him to want round 2.

I agree with other posters you need to be friends to have a FWB situation.

I would say also that if you want to manufacture a FWB set-up there has to be some sort of connection that doesn't just involve sex. A man might have a ONS but he won't want to keep having sex with someone unless there is something more which might just be fancying the pants off someone to start with.

I would hold off having sex so quickly with someone until you are sure it won't just be a ONS, if there is such a thing as being sure grin.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 21:46:37

OP, although I do think YABU in terms of the premise of your thread title, YANBU as well, IYKWIM - I'm really glad this thread took a turn for the better.

And <snort> at someone 'dipping their wick into a piece of meat'. grin

Holly, do you even know what a wick is...? Mixed metaphor-a-go-go....!

And this thread hasn't changed the way I think of Holly; it merely confirms it.

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 21:50:00

Sorry is there something wrong with wanting free sex?

I personally have never had any other kind.

I didn't realise it's supposed to be a financial transaction, I thought that was only where prostitution is involved.

What is "cheap sex" as opposed to "expensive sex"?

Garymcguigan Sun 21-Apr-13 22:08:31

I expect OP this is a bit of a blow to your self esteem as well as everything else. Do you think you are really ready to get back out there yet after your relationship break up?

Anyway good on you for coming back to the dim bulb who gave her husbands opinion. Like you rightly said, who cares what that fool thinks?

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 23:04:35

Well ditto Basil.

How much does your partner pay you for sex B4. Do only men pay? Or women? Since you won't apply it to both sexes. Which one pays?

I think Alittlestranger made a pertinent point about what is fuelling some women's anger at the thought of a woman having NSA sex

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 23:06:05

Is having sex a guilty thing? Do we have to have a penance maybe? Maybe OP should pay for having it?

Genuinely confused...

WTFisABooyhoo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:09:30


NSA sex is exactly that. it means there are no agreements to do it again or not to do it again or to let you down gently or keep in touch or explain why you dont wnat it again etc etc. there are no conditions attached except that it is consentual on both sides.

OP i think you were trying to kid yourself that you wanted NSA when really you wanted more.

SpanishFly Sun 21-Apr-13 23:22:08

How the hell do you dip a wick into a piece of meat?!

morethanpotatoprints Sun 21-Apr-13 23:36:58

Just a thought.

I knew a prostitute once who had a point when she said the following. She was so sick of how she and others were portrayed all the time.

"Any woman who is married/ partner/ etc has the capability and is probably a prostitute". I said "you what". She reminded me how many women including myself had admitted to using our femininity to get round our fellas to get something we wanted.

So maybe there is no such thing as free sex anyway.

PleasePudding Sun 21-Apr-13 23:51:14

Aaaargh I'm so angry about some of the unkind comments on this thread I am actually a little tachycardic and want to kick a wall or something Hoffman style.

OP of course this must be confusing for you. Quite aside from your recent relationship history it is always disconcerting when you find that you may have misread a situation, particularly if this could reflect on you (clearly it doesn't but it's so easy to worry about why one might have done to cause something)

But women are allowed to have sex in any manner they like without the act of sex or their desire to have sex cheapening them. I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Does this mean women who don't want sex are morally superior? Why should people hold out? You like a man, you both want sex, you have sex. Sometimes some people may judge that but that says more about them.

Why, why, why are women still supposed to play games and not give in to their sexual desires.

On the flip side one night stands and NSA can be hard to deal with and you have to chose what's right for you emotionally.

I'm trying to feed my six week

WTFisABooyhoo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:56:07

equally true for men morethan

when you say 'using our femininity' you mean adjusting your behaviour to a more stereotypical female style, raising the pitch of your voice, dressing to accentuate your breasts or hips, emphasising your inability to do some typically perceived to be a male task.

well men do that too. they adjust their behaviour to make them appear more 'macho', deepen their voices, stand up taller, emphasise their inability to (for example) choose clothes in order to get what they want from women.

if that makes women prostitutes then it makes men prostitutes too.

WTFisABooyhoo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:57:20

totally agree pleasepudding

PleasePudding Mon 22-Apr-13 00:02:14

Actually I know I'm getting a bit het-up now and distracted but it's so weird - women who freely give sex before marriage if whatever seemed to be considered 'meat' as Holly so disgustingly phrased it.

Yet if you don't suddenly have a massive reversal in your libido upon getting married/co-habiting whatever and be bonking his brains out every evening whilst the casserole warms, the same judgemental people seem to think this might drive a man into the arms of a mistress or whatever. It's such a strange shift.

Anyway as others said; you sound lovely, YABU to generalise men and also YABU to worry about what he's thinking, for one reason or another the situation didn't work for him but this al air certainly was not a bad reflection on anything you did.

BasilBabyEater Mon 22-Apr-13 00:10:31

I just can't imagine having ever wanted anything from a bloke that would require me to "use my femininity", ie flirt, lean forward, show myself willing for sex etc.

Except sex, actually. grin That's when I use my "femininity", I've just remembered.

MTSgroupie Mon 22-Apr-13 00:11:11

"he came twice". Yup, guys need for the sex to be great in order to come <rolls eyes> and grin combo.

OP - are you sure that it's not just dented pride because you can't give it away for free?

BasilBabyEater Mon 22-Apr-13 00:12:42

And again, we get this giving it away for free concept.

Do people really still believe that women should gatekeep sex?

WTF ever happened to the sexual revolution?


VelvetSpoon Mon 22-Apr-13 00:16:27

I think the sexual revolution passed a lot of posters on this thread by!

I have the feeling the same 'don't give it away' for free are the same women who consider sex a reward if their DH/DP behaves himself....

Pan Mon 22-Apr-13 00:18:56

not sure If it was my ref. to free sex above, but if it was it meant free-of-strings and responsibilities, not the money bit.hth.

Pantone363 Mon 22-Apr-13 00:39:16

Op I can't believe some of the responses up thread.

My quick penny's worth? I'm about 1 year down the line from you. I also really wanted NSA fun without the commitment, domesticity etc. it didnt work out for me at all. In fact it took your exact situation happening before I realised why. Without fail when men say they want NSA it means on THEIR terms. When they want sex they will contact you, if you contact them for it you are 'needy'. When they want to text they will text you, if you text them you are 'needy'. If you don't follow these rules blindly with no thought for asking for what you actually want...guess what? You are needy.

I realised I was not cut out for NSA, because although I enjoyed his late night sex call...mine the next week was needy.

And guess what the other fun bit is....IF you follow these you wait for him to arrange the sex, you never text out of turn, you never ask for get to be labelled an easy bike who lets men treat her like crap.

Welcome to singledom in your twenties.

Pantone363 Mon 22-Apr-13 00:40:48

I meant to say "happening a few times" although I wouldn't of friended any of my NSA on FB.

Lazyjaney Mon 22-Apr-13 07:47:31

Some men like NSA sex all the time, some men like NSA sex some of the time, some men don't like NSA sex. Seems to me that it's not for you though OP - chalk it down to experience and gained self knowledge

CabbageLeaves Mon 22-Apr-13 07:48:58

Pan I don't think you described the OP has cheapening herself or any of the other shockingly judgemental comments on here
I say this as someone who would not have NSA or ONS but respect that consenting adults (men and gosh this is a shocker ...women shock ) can do

BinksToEnlightenment Mon 22-Apr-13 07:51:12

Totally agree with pleasepudding as well.

So girls like sex. Get over it.

Samu2 Mon 22-Apr-13 08:43:59

Did someone really tell the OP she acts like a bike?

In this day and age?


MorrisZapp Mon 22-Apr-13 09:04:30

Oh my. It's a hard lesson to learn op, I have been there myself many times until the penny dropped. In my personal experience, men are able to have an amazing night of mind blowing sex, and then walk away without a backward glance.

Happened to me countless times back in my single days. I must admit, it forced me to develop a strategy. The strategy was, if I genuinely liked the guy, I would summon all the strength I had, and refuse sex on the first night.

If he was as hot as you like and only in town til Tuesday, then I gave myself permission to make hay while the sun shone.

I hate this crap, it's dated, sexist pish. But I didn't get second dates until I refused sex on the first.

My friends all had similar experiences. I hate how it is but it is how it is.

BumPotato Mon 22-Apr-13 11:15:22

Funny that Morris, cos the twice I had sex on the first night I ended up in a 3 year relationship then next time 4 years then married another almost 10 years and still going.

I don't think there is a formula.

OP if you had the one good NSA night remember that as a good thing and forget all the rest before moving on.

Ibelieveyoubutmytommygundont Mon 22-Apr-13 16:06:36

Well I take back calling him horrible. Because he's not, I just wish people would be more straight forward. I asked him if we could be friends with benefits and he said that it was doable.

I just wish he'd made it clear that it was a one night thing.

Oh well ... I've had good advice on here and I obviously need to reassess what I actually want in the future.

And maybe I am just a crap fuck, whos too ugly and too worthless to ever get a man and deserved what I got. This thread has made me realise that my ex was right all along about me.

McBalls Mon 22-Apr-13 16:16:39

Oh don't be ridiculous. Even if that were true, how could anyone on this thread possibly know??'s all Internet forum strutting. Meaningless.

Chin up.

Scrazy Mon 22-Apr-13 16:46:32

Oh OP don't think like that. If some random bloke can make you feel this way I would definitely reassess what you need which isn't NSA sex. Or even offering men you hardly know a fwb arrangement.

I hope you meet someone more compatible next time.

Mouseyinmyhousey Mon 22-Apr-13 17:24:34

I think some people have been a really harsh to the op who is clearly feeling a bit sensitive.

Op I think that you may have been better posting in relationships.

There coulod be any number of reasons why this guy doesn't want to meet up again, but none of which are likely to be any reflection on you, he doesn't even know you. He might already have a girlfriend/have got back with an ex. He might just prefer one night stands or various other reasons.

I think if someone genuinely wants to engage in nsa sex you've got to be a really self assured tough cookie, otherwise you're in danger of getting hurt or at least feeling rejected. Some people are able to remain completely detached even if the other person doesn't want to see them again, whereas others aren't.

We've all been there, in my early 20's I had sex with a guy who didn't want to see me again, I gave him my number and he never called, then he blanked me in a pub a few weeks later, I didn't even like him, but it wasn't very nice to think that perhaps he didn't like me either, even just for sex. And I had sex with a guy once and didn't want to see him again, I think that he was a bit hurt at the time.

It's taken me quite a few years and getting to know myself better to realise that casual sex isn't for me and that men and women are complicated beings so there's no such thing as 'most men' or 'most women'.

I think you've just got to put it down to experience, I'm positive that you're not deperate, ugly or crap in bed, and even if he thinks you were, there'll be plenty of other men out there who will think the exact opposite.

Just have a think, if you've recently come out of a relationship, and if a one night stand has dented your confidence and left you doubting yourself, maybe nsa sex isn't for you after all at this time?

Viviennemary Mon 22-Apr-13 17:31:25

I think this only proves that NSA is fine as a theory but it usually ends in tears.

littlesongbird Mon 22-Apr-13 17:33:50

I think the reason the OP now feels as she does has very little to do with the man she had sex with, and everything to do with the judgmental, outdated and outright nasty attitudes displayed by some posters.

Also from what has been said, the man in question gave the impression this wasn't a one night stand, but more of a regular arrangement. Quite understandable that the OP might be upset by the fact he was bullshitting, I think most people would be. Fair enough if you meet someone randomly and a ONS ensues, but there seems to have been prior discussion here about what they were looking for, and a ONS wasn't I think what the OP wanted.

OP, please don't let the bitchy, nasty attitudes of some on this thread get you down. They are the kind of women who only make themselves feel better by slating others, and I hope for their sakes they never find themselves single because they are in for a serious shock. Don't let their words, or what happened, upset you. Easier to say than do I know!

BinksToEnlightenment Mon 22-Apr-13 18:36:51

OP, please don't be selective in who you listen to. It's easier to listen to criticism, but most of us are on your side. A lot of us - me included - are speaking from our own experiences of something similar.

It's ok to feel hurt over this. But you don't need to. It isn't a reflection on you at all.

Scrazy Mon 22-Apr-13 18:41:31

I was speaking from experience too, in my late 20's and newly divorced. My guess is that the guy might have a girlfriend on the go. Happened to me a few times. A ONS I could shrug off but once or twice it was a series of them with the same guys, which went on for a year or so. Both had other girlfriends, unbeknown to me, and I was a secret. I found that situation more demoralising than someone who I could forget about and move on.

CabbageLeaves Mon 22-Apr-13 18:49:35

OP you're a bit too raw for NSA sex and judgemental comments. It doesn't make the comments correct just because you're low and sensitive to them.

You are worth more than this

HighJinx Mon 22-Apr-13 19:08:09

The truth is that no-one here knows why this man decided to end it after a ONS. It's all just a series of opinions based on posters beliefs or experiences having read a few lines about your life.

So it didn't work out with this guy. That doesn't mean you're worthless or that it won't ever work out for you with any man, ever.

You sound as though you need to spend some time moving on fully from your ex. Maybe you should concentrate on yourself for a while before you get into a FWB arrangement.

Mummy007007 Fri 10-Jan-14 21:30:41

Tell him your pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GilmoursPillow Fri 10-Jan-14 21:35:35

Eh, Mummy ?

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 10-Jan-14 21:36:33

Bit late now.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Fri 10-Jan-14 22:34:00

Be careful what you wish for next time

HuntingforBunting Fri 10-Jan-14 23:13:01

I know why your hurt op. I've been there and it is gutting and feels rejecting. Try and focus on what you really do want.... As soon as I realised I was looking for intimacy and a relationship and then started to not sleep with anyone unless that was looking mutually possible I was a lot happier. Good luck xxx

HuntingforBunting Fri 10-Jan-14 23:30:02

Dear lord I have just read the thread in it's entirety - I think hollys comments were vile. Op, seriously, your self worth cannot hinge on what deeply unpleasant posters on an internet forum think. You need to value yourself. And masturbate, and Go for massages and spend time with good friends. And therapy that help too to get over an abusive ex. Your post has really touched me and I wish you all the best x

HuntingforBunting Fri 10-Jan-14 23:30:34

Bike ?! Meat ?! I am agog

PedlarsSpanner Fri 10-Jan-14 23:50:04


<wearily presses klaxon>

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