or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

(135 Posts)
Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:38:27

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

JumpingJackSprat Fri 19-Apr-13 23:42:02

Tell dp to wind his neck in, he should not be trying to make things difficult between you and your ex as it will have a negative effect on your daughter. he needs to man up and realise that her needs come way before his jealousy. I would never dream of banning dp's ex from the house especially as all is currently amicable and dss loves it when both his "families" are together at drop off and pick up times.

AgentZigzag Fri 19-Apr-13 23:43:48

When I started reading your OP I thought he might just have been worried for you knowing how your ex treated you in the past, but I would say (given I don't have any experience of your situation) that your DP would be very unreasonable to sabotage the 'friendship' you've built up with your ex on your DDs behalf.

It's not his call.

If he's in a relationship with you he's in a relationship with your DD, and her dad comes as part of that package.

He should put his feelings aside and do what you've decided is best for your DD.

MagicHouse Fri 19-Apr-13 23:44:42

I think YABU for not dealing with this situation before moving in with your DP! Sorry if that sounds flippant - of course it's ok for you to chat with your ex for 20 mins, and like you say, good for your DD and great that you have been able to move on. I think it's a bit concerning that your DP is making demands before he has moved in, especially the tone "he wants ex to stop coming in" (what, no discussion??), and it would seriously be making me think twice about it.

YWBU to let your dp move in while he is dictating who you can and can't have in your house and obviously isn't interested in putting your dd first.

If he does move in you will either have him being in a mood every time your ex comes in or you will have to stop your ex coming in the house and risk upsetting your dd. Neither scenario is great.

olgaga Fri 19-Apr-13 23:44:49

Quite apart from the fact that this will affect your DD and her happiness, I would run a mile from a man who thought he had any right to lay down the law like this!

I'd think again.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 19-Apr-13 23:45:58


I wouldn't let someone who attempted to dictate about stuff like that move in with me.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 23:46:03

your dp needs to man up and tone down the ridiculous dickwaving

I see some alarm bells ringing

your ex is part of your past...he cannot erase it, and an amicable relationship is best for any dc

what next ?

cees Fri 19-Apr-13 23:47:35

Your dp needs to grow up, your not playing at being a grown up you actually are one, ask yourself if you really want to start living with this jealous man child? Don't put him before your child or let him shut her Dad out of her life. He has no right to dictate to you on this matter.


Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:50:18

He really does hate him. I'm not particularly fond of him as he's very selfish and breaks a lot of promises to DD but I owe it to DD to make the best of things and be friendly and polite. DP suggested last time that I could text exH asking him to text when he arrives so I can take DD out to the car thus reducing likelihood of chatting because of the cold...!

Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:53:33

I think he is also jealous because he loves. DD and wishes she were his. She loves him too, but she isn't his and she makes room for both of them in her life so he needs to make room for exH in my opinion

qualitytoffee Fri 19-Apr-13 23:54:05

No, not right one bit.
I would seriously be thinking about letting him move in with you now.
He has NO say regarding your DC and her father.
If he takes a hissy fit, then he can hissy the fuck off, back to his own place

VerySmallSqueak Fri 19-Apr-13 23:56:01

A relationship on solid grounds will be fine with the inclusion of your ex partner and his new partner.
I don't like the sound of your new partner tbh.

I get on fine with my DH's ex, and her long term partner,and it is a bonus as far as I can see.It has been the case for years.
It shouldn't be a problem if you wish to stay amicable,and it is up to your new partner to accommodate this.Happily.For the sake of your DD.

squoosh Fri 19-Apr-13 23:58:33

Red flags.

He has no right to dictate to you how you conduct yourself with your daughter's father. You and your ex sound like you've moved past what was a pretty awful time and are now in a healthier place. Altering that would only negatively impact on your daughter.

DP mightn't like that fact that this man is in your life but he is and no amount of laying down the law is going to change the paternity of your little girl.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 19-Apr-13 23:58:51

DP is BU.

Your DD comes first and her parents having an amicable relationship is really, really important.

AgentZigzag Fri 19-Apr-13 23:59:02

The thing about having DC is that you have to try and squash whatever extreme emotions you have to the back of your mind until you can deal with them later on your own, it's not fair to saddle children with adult worries.

Your DDs need for a hassle free relationship with her dad is more important than your DPs feelings about your ex, in this instant.

Your DD would end up trying to pacify your DP and feel guilty about seeing her dad and she shouldn't be conflicted like that.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:01:40

ExH's girlfriend won't have anything to do with me but doesn't badmouth me as far as I can tell. I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD - it isn't his place IMO.

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:03:12

Well, thats admirable, but its still nothing to do with him.

i'd be more concerned about the fact that he thinks that laying down rules with you before he moves in is acceptable.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:04:19

She already does - she tells DP she doesn't want to go because she knows it's what he wants to hear

squoosh Sat 20-Apr-13 00:05:58

Poor child, having to keep that jealous man happy by pretending she doesn't want to see her Dad. It must be very stressful for her.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:08:30

She isn't that close to her dad to be honest but she's very loyal to him, which is understandable.

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:13:12

And while your LO is placating your grown up child partner, where are you?

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:17:00

She doesn't just say it to placate him, she would genuinely rather stay home but says it to him more than me as she knows I'm trying to help her improve her relationship with her dad

CloudsAndTrees Sat 20-Apr-13 00:18:57

I don't ever say this on MN, but this would be a deal breaker for me. There is no way I could be with a man that came between the two most important people in my children's lives.

My DH found it hard at first that I have such a good relationship with my ex, but he had to suck it up and deal with it if he wanted to be a part of our lives. You and your ex brought a child into the world together and you have a commitment and a responsibility to parent together as long as he's a good Dad. Anyone who can't respect that does not deserve to be involved in your daughters life. My DH and ex get on really well now thanks to the effort that was put in at the beginning from them both, it is do able if the adults put aside their own discomfort and put the children first.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:23:12

'but says it to him more than me as she knows I'm trying to help her improve her relationship with her dad'

If she had genuine feelings that she didn't want to go to her dads, it would be a good thing she felt she could go to your DP with when she didn't want to upset you.

But really, your DP should have an equal measure in 'encouraging' (and I mean that loosely) her to have a good relationship with her dad.

It does make me wonder how much of his dislike of her dad seeps out in everyday life and how much your DD picks up on that.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:23:27

When we first got together DP made a big effort to reassure exH he wasn't trying to take his place in DD's life but it was too soon and exH was not receptive at all so DP just thinks he's a cock.

Are you reading your own posts, your 'd'p wants to ban your daughters father from the house, bad mouths him to your daughter, he is jealous, and controlling (whether you can see it or not, he is) and already your daughter is telling him what he wants to hear to placate him, and you want to move in with him?

I would really rethink this if I were you.

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:27:15

Thats just wrong. She already is learning to please him then, to keep him quiet, and you know what, she shouldn't have to do that.
Just like you.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:29:48

Not defending him but he hasn't been malicious about him, he just struggles not to comment when DD says things about her dad. I.e her dad has sold lots of her toys recently as he decided she wasn't there to play with them enough. She spoke about planning to play with a particular toy when she went there and DP commented 'thats if he hasn't sold it!'

YoniRaver Sat 20-Apr-13 00:30:23

I agree with others that say I would be thinking twice about letting this man move in with this kind of attitude. He hasn't moved into (your) home yet and he is already trying to lay the law down

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:30:48

I might have missed it, but why don't you live with your DP after 3.5 years together?

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:31:36

(and I'm not being sarky 'remind me again why you don't live together?' grin)

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:34:50

ExH has also been promising her a trip to Alton Towers with her friend for months and the couple of days before contact DD talks lots about the trip lots but exH always comes up with an excuse why they couldn't go. I agree with DP that ex shouldn't keep disappointing her but it's no good for her if we make her feel worse about it

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:37:09

I don't want to live together until he's divorced and I wanted DD to be 100% happy with it first

qualitytoffee Sat 20-Apr-13 00:38:21

Its none of his business, and yes he is being malicious, because those little asides comments are being heard and filed away.

And he knows it.

Ouchmyhead Sat 20-Apr-13 00:39:09

I can understand where your DP is coming from; he obviously loves you and your DD so I think you can see why he wouldn't want him coming round for chats and what not, especially when your DD gets her toys sold/says she'd rather stay with you.

Saying that, it is obvious that it's important for you to keep a good relationship with your ex for your daughters sake, he will be in your life forever and it will make things so much easier for your DD to see you get along (I have a friend who can't even mention her dad in front of her mum their relationship is so bad, that is a much worse situation IMO!)

I only mention about how I can understand where your DP is coming from just to maybe point out that although he's in the wrong and he can't dictate what happens with your ex, maybe going a bit easy on him and just sitting him down and talking would be the better option. I know some people have said it would be a deal breaker for them/be wary but I think it's a situation you can easily resolve with a good chat! Good luck hope it all works out for you!

DoJo Sat 20-Apr-13 01:36:39

ExH's girlfriend won't have anything to do with me but doesn't badmouth me as far as I can tell. I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD - it isn't his place IMO.

It's not anyone's place - she is half him, and hearing negative things about him is basically trashing her too. He needs to stop point scoring and you need to make that a condition of him moving in with you.

sashh Sat 20-Apr-13 07:27:03


This is a little girl's childhood, she will only get one.

She loves both her mum and dad and her parents should be doing all they can to make sure she is happy and healthy.

Your DP knew you had a DD before you got together. If he doesn't want to see you chatting ex then he can go sulk somewhere else.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 08:33:11

Red flags all over this op. But you're not really listening to any of the advice are you?
A kids life should not include having to placate immature adults.

I really wouldn't be moving in with someone who wanted to dictate who I could talk to or allow in my own house! Especially my childs Father.

Any remarks about her Father in front of her are not on either.

What else will he decide he doesn't like? I can see this being the kind of person who wants to choose who their partners friends are and such.

quesadilla Sat 20-Apr-13 09:17:07

Agree with what's been said wholeheartedly. You need to sit your DP down and make it clear to him that 1) your dd has a relationship with her dad, that isn't going to change and he needs to make his peace with that and 2) he is not going to be able to dictate who you see. If he has problems accepting that you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you - and your dd - should move in with him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 20-Apr-13 09:36:15

I really wouldn't move in with him unless he changes his attitude.

Hassled Sat 20-Apr-13 09:41:25

Agree with what everyone else says - if you can salvage any sort of an amicable relationship with your DC's other parent after a split then it is absolutely invaluable, and will remain invaluable for years and years.

A couple of years ago DH and I, and exH and his DP, all went to my oldest's university graduation together. It was a lovely, happy day and ExH and I could talk about how proud we were of DC1, how well he'd turned out - and there was a real sense that we'd done it together, IYSWIM. I'm telling you this so you can see that that relationship doesn't ever really go away - you can't allow your DP to scupper it at this early stage in your DD's life.

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 09:53:49

Another that agrees with the masses.
It's not on. You know it.

This could become a big stressful issue. Who needs it?

And of course, if he feels entitled to a say over this, it makes you wonder what he's going to decide next.

tbh, I'd ditch this DP if I were in this situation. You are trying to do the best for your DD, and your DP isn't helping with that at all.

Viviennemary Sat 20-Apr-13 10:09:03

YANBU. You are only being civil and pleasant. It's not as if you are all going on trips out or holidays together. Which I could understand a new partner objecting to. You DP sounds a bit over jealous to me. Not sure what the way forward is.

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 10:11:47

Also - if his reasoning for feeling so vitriolic towards your ex is that ex didn't respond well to his not-trying-to-be-her-father speech, then that's even more worrying. Your ex must have thought "It didn't even cross my mind, because you couldn't replace me even if you were trying to!"

Let's be honest...if any of us here got the not-trying-to-replace-her-mother talk from a new gf, we'd maybe similarly dismissive. It would be this hmm face all round.

OP - I'm not going to say your new relationship is doomed...but I will say that if your dp can't wind his neck in a bit, it soon will be.

"When we first got together DP made a big effort to reassure exH he wasn't trying to take his place in DD's life but it was too soon and exH was not receptive at all so DP just thinks he's a cock."
But actually, it sounds to me as if nothing would make your DP happier than if your exH disappeared entirely and he DID take his place. And no communication with his ExW who he has yet to divorce (after at least three and a half years?) sounds as if he's trying to pretend that marriage never happened either. The past is past, but the present is built upon it, and he doesn't seem too keen on that. Red flags to me too, I'm afraid sad.

TheFallenNinja Sat 20-Apr-13 10:20:04

This is a dick measuring contest. Don't have any part of it. DD must come first.

greenteawithlemon Sat 20-Apr-13 10:25:46

Dump him.

It'll only get worse! Would he mind you having male friends? Having coffee at break with a male colleague? Chatting to a dad on the school run?

Imagine living a life where your every interaction with someone male is scrutinised and your DP gets jealous and controlling about it. I couldn't live like that.

greenteawithlemon Sat 20-Apr-13 10:27:29


That sounds lovely, Hassled . What an achievement for you all.

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 10:28:02

He doesn't even live with you and your DD has to listen to snide sarky comments about her dad. Even if you agree to him not coming in how many years will your DD have to listen to these digs until she is old enough to leave home?

He is not divorced. He and his ex don't communicate. Why is this?

Put your DD first and do not move in with this man. She doesn't have a choice.

Squitten Sat 20-Apr-13 10:52:09

Stop making excuses for your DP and put a stop to it. He should be saying NOTHING even remotely negative about your ex in front of his daughter - if he wants to bitch about him, he can say all that privately to you. What on earth will it be like when she has to live with him?!

Moving in with him would be a big mistake until he has shown that he is capable of behaving like a proper step-father should - which he is NOT currently. Your ex will be in your life for a VERY long time to come and your DP seems intent on ruining both your relationship with him and, by effect, your daughter's. Very foolish to allow that OP!

pictish Sat 20-Apr-13 10:52:59

Well said Squitten - bloody well said.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 10:57:18

Oh dear, Amy, I fear you have picked another nobber, sorry

OhMerGerd Sat 20-Apr-13 10:59:11

Put your child first and nip this in the bud with DP now.
My brother is an xP. His ex has a man who started out exactly the same. Soon you'll find stopping xH coming in for a chat won't satisfy him. He'll move onto not wanting xH to come to the door, not wanting to hear DD saying ' my daddy and I did x y z' and not wanting any little dolly or a books DD won at a party, or even Easter eggs she might want to bring home.... You won't be getting on quite so well with xH by this time as it will cause untold stress and upset , so your new bloke will suggest moving away. Then you'll all end up going to court and if like my brother they realise your new partner is being obstructive to a father daughter relationship they will tighten his access rights and make you bear all the cost of transporting DD back and forth.
Meanwhile relationships sour even more and your DD will be stressed start misbehaving at school and feel generally unhappy, insecure ands torn.
This is the life my poor very very darling niece has lived for the past four years since her mother caved in to her new DP's request to stop the drop off chat/ coffee etc.
Any man who tries to make it hard for a father to see his child ( unless father is violent/abusive/) is not going to make good father material in the future for any new DC. P
IMO sounds like you're taking on an immature dP . He needs to grow up, see how hard you've worked to make the best if a difficult situation for your child and support you.

Hassled Sat 20-Apr-13 11:51:45

greentea - thank you smile

MagicHouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:18:04

She spoke about planning to play with a particular toy when she went there and DP commented 'thats if he hasn't sold it!
That is a really nasty little comment to a little girl looking forward to something at her dad's. That must have been a real blow for her to hear that. I don't think your DP sounds very nice.

ivykaty44 Sat 20-Apr-13 22:24:56

I wouldn't be moving this man into my daughters life - a person that makes negative remarks about someone else father, who is going to dictate who can and can't come into a joint home is not someone I would be living with.

In fact why do you want to put your dd through this? He isn't going to stop with the remarks and he is going to try to drive a wedge between father and daughter. Can you imagine if you had a child with this man and you split up - he would be there in the childs ear constantly slagging you off behind your back

why put yourself and your dc in this situation

TalkativeJim Sat 20-Apr-13 22:34:09

'He loves DD and wishes she were his'

- he hasn't been given the job of father, and he never will have that job. The post he has is stepfather. A very important job, and in many ways a more difficult one than that of father, involving putting his own feelings second to hers in really, really difficult situations - just like this one.

Does he in fact love your DD enough to be a good stepfather to her? It doesn't sound like it right now. He isn't acting in her best interests with this. Ask him. Is he man enough to suck up this situation and be a REAL stepfather?

cees Sat 20-Apr-13 22:53:26

Red flags waving all over the place but you seem blind to them amy, your ex might be a let down of a Father but he is her Dad and she loves him no matter what he promises and doesn't come through with.

What is your dp doing putting him down in front of dd and why are you allowing this shit? She is a child your partner doesn't have that excuse and neither do you so assert yourself and don't let your child down by becoming doormat for this jealous man child.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 20-Apr-13 22:55:38

Fact is that she's NOT his. You had a child with another man and looking in at what you describe - that's what I'd bet the problem actually is. You had a child with a man before you met him.

I bet it's not about loving your daughter (although I hope of course that he does) I bet it's not really about the type of man your ex is. I bet it's about you not having been in a box till he arrived to unpack you.

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:29:58

Yes the comment about the toy was nasty but correct - her dad had sold it. DP feelsa lot of anger towards exH over how he treated me/DD and how he lets DD down and isn't very good with her at all. However, if I can get over how he treated me then surely DP can too - same goes for me biting my tongue when DD talks about the latest disappointment at the hands of her father. DP is great with her and she loves him, but she'll always have a link to exH which DP needs to accept

Amykins35 Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:17

Yes the comment about the toy was nasty but correct - her dad had sold it. DP feelsa lot of anger towards exH over how he treated me/DD and how he lets DD down and isn't very good with her at all. However, if I can get over how he treated me then surely DP can too - same goes for me biting my tongue when DD talks about the latest disappointment at the hands of her father. DP is great with her and she loves him, but she'll always have a link to exH which DP needs to accept

Amy, would I be correct in saying that your DP is in NO position whatsoever to criticise your ex when it comes to fathering? IIRC, he has made no effort to see his children by his wife for quite some time now, has he? I wonder if the reason he doesn't want your ex to be around your DD is because it serves as a reminder that no matter how bad a father your ex has been/is; he is still a better father than your DP?

Dump your new partner, and promise yourself at least a year of being single. Your boundaries are messed up and you are very likely to have replaced one loser with another who is simply a different flavour of knob. Your DD's father is, by the sound of it, childish and unreliable and your current partner is jealous and controlling.

He's not really in a position to judge, is he? If he CBA to see his own children?

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 21-Apr-13 14:39:27

Amy, I understand what it is to have an Ex put his needs before that of your DC. It's difficult and painful at times. But as long as you know that you are putting DD's needs first, you will always be able to look her in the eyes and tell her the truth when she starts asking questions.

Your DP is yet another man who is putting his needs above your DD's, yours and his own DCs(?). He is expecting you to sacrifice DD's relationship with her father to make him feel better. It won't make him feel better, he will expect more and more sacrifices from you and your DD in the future. Is this really what you want?

Squitten Sun 21-Apr-13 16:00:05

What your DP has to understand is that his feelings are irrelevant.

He is not your DD's step-father, you are not married and do not live together. Even if you were married to him, his feelings about your ex would STILL be irrelevant. In coming to an amicable relationship with your ex, you have already realised this. The only person who matters in all this is your DD. She should not have to live in a situation where she is having to constantly choose between her loyalty to her father and tip-toeing around your DP's jealousy.

How dare he dictate to you how you can communicate with the father of your child? How dare he stop your DD from having her father in her home? I strongly suggest that you start putting your relationship with your DD and her happiness above your relationship with your boyfriend.

Amykins35 Mon 22-Apr-13 10:21:04

I do put her first, hence why ex comes in at drop off and collection - the not wanting him to come in comment from DP came out of the blue though I knew he hated it. He thinks ex is a cock to DD but also thinks exH would have me back if I asked. ExH asked yesterday if he could take DD for tea this week and I said yes, he asked DD where they should go then he said 'I think Mummy should just cook for us here.' DD had already changed the subject so I didn't respond but it's hard because if I was single then I'd do just that. However, it is a bit cosy for us to be having family teas so can see DPs objection.

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 10:34:05

Come on OP. We're not talking about your ex wanting to come for a home-cooked meal every week are we? Your DP doesn't want him to set foot in your house - at all. His thoughts and actions are being entirely motivated by his own jealousy. And if it wasn't starting to get to you, you'd have told him to stop being so stupid and would never have started questioning yourself in the first place!

You are entirely correct in not thinking it's appropriate to be playing happy families in your home with your ex. Your DD should understand that you are seperate now and that's fine. My worry for you is that once you move in with your DP he will turn up the pressure. Then it becomes an issue of "Not in MY house". He's already starting to get under your skin and make you second-guess yourself. It won't end well.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 11:49:40

Op i agree with your dp about your ex coming into the house.

Alot of new partners, dont like the ex partner coming into the house especially if your ex husband has been rude and has only been more amicable when its suited him.

Its alot more common than you think for your dp to feel this way.

Your dp feelings are relevent, as well as your dd feelings are relevent. You just need to compromise and consider everyones feelings all round.

If someone was rude and a damn right PITA then i wouldnt want them in my house either when im relaxing in my scruffs, with them looking round and judging on things etc.

I think your dp should only say negative things about dds dad when shes not in ear shot, and that drop offs should be at the door or he beeps and dd goes out.

I dont see anything wrong in what your dp has requested. You have to consider everyones feelings. So your considering dds feelings by not allowing dp to slag off ex husband in front of dd, and your considering your dps feelings by now allowing someone he despises into his home.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 11:51:49

I disagree completely with GoingUpInTheWorld.

TheBigJessie Mon 22-Apr-13 11:57:04

GoingUpInTheWorld The house in question is presently solely the house of the OP.

If the OP allows her partner to move in, it will become their home. "Their home" means the home of the OP, the little girl, and the new partner. Not his home.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 12:00:22

When it becomes his home aswell then his feelings should be taken into consideration too.

At the moment they are not taken into consideration as he doesnt live there.

But when he does live there, hes entitled to have his feelings taken into account. Its all about compromise.

ceebie Mon 22-Apr-13 12:41:41

PLEASE do NOT allow DP to move in unless he can show that he can handle this situation like a grown-up. His jealous behaviour should be setting off big warning sirens - his attitude could be very detrimental to both you and your DD.

ceebie Mon 22-Apr-13 13:09:43

It sounds like at least some of DP's comments might have been intended to manage/lower DD's expectations to try to lessen her disappointment? However, you did say "I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD" so presumably they can't all be explained this way, and some have been unnecessarily.

I can see that a cooked meal at yours is perhaps taking the cosiness too far - I can't see the problem in saying in a light / jovial way to your DD (and exH) that you are separated and that her time with her Dad is to be spent away from you. However having your exH come into your home - or more relevantly your DD's home, for 20 mins for a chat and to give her the opportunity to show her Dad her stuff, is hugely positive for her and very reasonable.

There are some excellent posts above Amy, I hope you think hard about what has been said.

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 13:25:07

That's the problem though GoingUp - he should be civilised and grown up enough to understand that if he wants to have a relationship with someone who has a child, he has to allow that child and her mother to have an amicable relationship with the father!

Are you honestly telling the OP that her DD should not have her own father in her house to have a chat with her or a cup of tea because her mother's immature twat of a partner is so jealous that he thinks they should only be communicating outside at his car?! Really?!

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 13:30:44

Hmm. I think there are a few things going on here.

Reading between the lines, I think you may have some work to do on your boundaries OP. If your DP feels entitled to dictate in the way he is, you probably don't stand your ground anywhere near as much as you should. It's not difficult to therefore picture a situation where your XH is also completely overstepping the line when he's in your house. It's probably 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 13:45:03


Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.

Her dp is not jealous, he just doesnt want an arse hole in his house who has been very rude to him in the past and i completely understand that.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 13:48:47

'Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.'

Well if it's amicable there'd be no problem with him coming in the house would there??

Are you the dp or something, you're suspiciously defensive of him? <Poirot face>

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 13:55:52

I meant amicable between the op and her ex not between her dp and the ex.

I understand his situation and actually feel sorry for him that his feelings dont count just becuase hes got into a relationship with a woman who has a child by someone else.

CalamityKate Mon 22-Apr-13 13:59:30

Please don't keep making excuses for him along the lines of "oh he just loves us so much he gets angry at the way the ex treated us".

You know when the ex sold that toy? Your DP was thrilled. Believe me he loves it when your ex does something he can disapprove of.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 14:00:37

For God's sake, both men have a duty to make things amicable. Poor DP is an adult is he not? If he truly cared about this child he wouldn't belittle her father in her presence.

And who said his feelings don't count? To me it seems as though his feelings are riding roughshod over everyone elses.

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 14:00:37

Exactly squoosh!

I think GoingUp is dead wrong on this one OP and I sincerely hope you don't end up pandering to such immaturity. If your DP wants to be a part of your life long-term, he really has some growing up to do.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 14:07:10

Thats why i mentioned compromise in a earlier post.

Dp compromises by keeping his opinions to himself for dd feelings

Op compromises by not letting ex in the house as she respects dps wishes.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 14:09:11

Its been mentioned many times that his feelings are irrelevent.

His feelings are relevent, and if op is not prepared to take any partners feelings into consideration because she has a child with someone else then shes better off staying single until the child turns 18.

CunningAtBothEnds Mon 22-Apr-13 14:10:32

Red flag. Insecurrrrrre! YANBU stay strong and tell him to get a grip!

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 14:11:05

Saying 'you cannot come into my house because my partner who doesn't live here but may shortly, doesn't like you' is ridiculous and unneccessary.

DP needs to grow up and deal with it. And of course that's only going to be his first demand. What will he be upset with next?

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 14:11:36

the person whose feelings matter the most here are the child's...she had no choice in this scenario, adults do

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 14:14:45

Everyones feelings matter

The child still sees her father as normal, but the op can stand outside at the car if she wishes to chat to her ex.

Theres no problem here.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 14:14:55

Wow, I've just noticed that DP has children of his own that he doesn't see. And yet he feels quite free to judge the parental failings of ex partner.

How very interesting.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 14:16:27

yup, squoosh, it's been remarked upon

this bloke is a hypocrite, as well as a bit of a nobber

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 14:18:32

Colossal nobber! How could anyone take him seriously??

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 14:20:46

"DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc"

That's the decider for me. Who is this man to tell that child that she can't have this?

Ledkr Mon 22-Apr-13 14:36:41

My dh always offers my ex a drunk when he comes for dd a dc they get on fine.
Our best friends are ex sil and her dp who we see often.
People have needed to get over themselves theses days as many families are now blended. Your dp has deep seated insecurities which De his issue to deal with.

ceebie Mon 22-Apr-13 22:25:49

'Its more than possible to have an amicable relationship without the father having to come into the house.'

Yes, but DD likes showing him her room, her stuff, etc. SHE likes him coming in. It's HER home too. She shouldn't have to pack all her books, schoolwork, artwork, pets, etc into a backpack in order to be able to share it with her father!

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:39:01

Very true but her dp shouldn't have to have someone in his home who has been rude to him and who he despises.

Its all about compromise

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:39:55

But it's not his home. He doesn't even live there.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:40:43

The child's needs trump the man childs.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:41:16

But hes saying thats what he wants when he does live there.

Hes not saying he wants it to stop whilst he isnt living there

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:42:25

It's ridiculous that any sane person would entertain the petty jealousies of a man who doesn't even see his own children.

In any blended family, the new partner (particularly one who doesn't even live with the partner who has a child with another parent) is lowest priority and needs to either accept that or fuck off.

cory Mon 22-Apr-13 22:43:26

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 14:14:45
"Everyones feelings matter

The child still sees her father as normal, but the op can stand outside at the car if she wishes to chat to her ex."

So because the new partner is so upset at how the ex has treated the OP, the OP has to stand outside by the car to talk to him? confused

That hardly sounds like concern for the OP.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:44:58

There could be any reason why he doesnt see his children, that may have been taken out of his hands.

Her dp is right to request what he has done.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:45:37

He is not right.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:46:24

Hes also upset by how the ex h has spoken to him and behaved towards him, so his feelings are based on a mixture of things.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:47:27

One thing is abundantly clear, his feelings are not based on what's best for the child, they are based on his insecurities.


HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Mon 22-Apr-13 22:48:04

I haven't read the whole thread but "He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether" is a red flag to me.

Your partner is trying to control you and distance you from other people in your life.

I think it's great that you and ExH are getting on, it's really healthy and fantastic for your DD.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:49:00

Its not all about what the child wants.

When there are other people this affects then everyone has to be taken into consideration.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:50:31


He needs to swallow his prejudices and stop trying to isolate a child from her father.

Clearly you see the child as coming way down the pecking order.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:52:04

Hes not isolating her.

Thats an over reaction.

If this dp of ops reads this, i hope he appreciates me fighting his corner.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:52:56

Maybe he will, you're clearly a fan.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:53:38

I feel sorry for the guy

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:16

I have no sympathy for control freaks.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:48

Someone's preference only needs accounting for if it is reasonable.

Its not reasonable under these circumstances to insist this happens. If you pander to unreasonable people they tend to continue being unreasonable most get worse.

And I cannot believe a pp has said a compromise is not slagging off a child's parent within the child's hearing.

That's not a compromise its called being a grown up,its doing a very minimum basic requirement in adult behaviour.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:52

This could go on forever.

I think we will agree to disagree

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:25

So you actually believe that grown ups can agree to behave in a adult way as a compromise

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:26

The OP has discussed her dp in previous threads. He really doesn't seem like much of a catch.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:39

But yes, let's agree to disagree.

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 22:59:20

why would he read it? what a wierd thing to say. are you the dp??
child's feelings come first the situation was as it stands before dp came along he's got no right to change things to make his inadequate little ego feel better.
my ex comes in my house because my ds likes to show him things and also we need to communicate, any man that tried to dictate to me how to parent my child would be getting told where to get off

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 23:01:34

especially one that doesn't even see his own kids.
how can it have been taken out of his hands?

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:02:10

I havent read any of the ops other threads, so i ve no idea what other things the op has been having trouble with.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:04:30


No idea, it was just a guess, the op hasn't been back to answer why he doesn't see his other children.

Men don't see their children for all sorts of reasons. Just because he doesn't see his own children, that doesn't make him a bad person, I'm sure there will be a big back story to it.

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 23:10:00

well unless they have been kidnapped to another country im sure he could be doing something about it rather than sitting on his insecure arse dictating to the op who she allows in HER house.
there is nothing that would stop me from being with my ds let alone 'all sorts of reasons'
my guess is there will be 1big lousy excuse why he doesn't see them

TheCraicDealer Mon 22-Apr-13 23:16:45

I love these threads where the OP posts expecting a crowd of furious nodding and "YANBU, you're so hard done by". Then when mn'er after mn'er goes, "hold the fuck on, this fella's a cock, LTB" they get all defensive because it's all gone a bit too far.

Amy, stop being a div and play it forward. Picture your DD's graduation or wedding. Do you want the event described above where all three of you act in a adult, courteous and thoughtful way, respecting each other and being jointly supportive, or do you want to be in the middle of two warring men who put their own egos above your DD's? Because how you handle this now will have an impact on your dd for the rest of her life.

landrover Mon 22-Apr-13 23:25:43

This is interesting though, has the op gone on and on about her ex to her her new partner and now he's angry but she has perhaps over egged it to partner?
Maybe she knows ex wasn't so bad but has ranted to new partner so he now hates ex? so maybe new partner isn't entirely to blame but is trying to defend op as best he can? I suspect we are all guilty of "giving our side of the story"

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:30:18

Good point landrover

specialmagiclady Tue 23-Apr-13 07:57:17

Fwiw I think the DP's feelings are valid, his behaviour is not. If he is a good man, he will express the feelings in private but not let them get in the way of his SD's relationship with her father.

OP can acknowledge the feelings but is well within her rights to ask him to keep them in a box until they are alone together. Or he can bigger off.

flippinada Tue 23-Apr-13 09:09:04

Amykins has posted about her DP before. The man is a complete and utter waste of space - and that's me being generous.

GoingUpInTheWorld Tue 23-Apr-13 09:45:54

Just a read a previous thread on the 23rd march.

Hmmm sounds a strange relationship to me

Amykins35 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:39:01

Landrover - ex has treated DD and I very badly in the past, which DP knows about. However, I'm over it which is why he and I can be amicable now and don't think it's DPs place to hold a grudge. Fast forward to graduations etc and its DD, ex and I that will be getting on and fine. If DP chooses not be a part of that relationship then he'll ultimately be the one missing out

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 23-Apr-13 10:50:23

Amykins, you have just said that it is not your DP's place to hold a grudge. You are absolutely right.

I would also remind you that no relationship comes with guarantees. Most fail. You cannot allow this or any other relationship to come between your DD, her dad and all the really hard work (and I know how much hard work this takes) you have put into establishing an amicable environment where all three of you have moved forward. It's just a shame that your DP isn't on board, but best to find out now, rather than later.sad

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 10:51:28

ah, I have just twigged "who" you are, Amykins35

you partner is a complete and utter cock, but you won't have it

AMykins, you need a bit of a wakeup call. Your partner is horrible, and abusive, and you should be getting rid of him, not allowing him to move in. You also need to do some work on yourself because you seem very ready to accept abuse from men rather than be single.

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