To say no to DS having GF stay over night?

(54 Posts)
Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 08:24:58

That's it really DS 20 GF19. Have said I don't like it, I feel uncomfortable and have younger ds's to think of.

He says I am old fashioned and behind the times! And it'd none of my business as its his room.
Aibu??

CSIJanner Fri 19-Apr-13 08:26:24

Does he pay rent? Then he can argue its my room line

livinginwonderland Fri 19-Apr-13 08:27:32

yabu, he's twenty. if he was sixteen, you might have a stronger argument, but at twenty, he's an adult and he should be allowed to have guests overnight.

my parents always let me have boyfriends over from the age of 17/18. the only rule was they had to have met them before the day they stayed over, and we had to have been together for three months.

Nanny0gg Fri 19-Apr-13 08:28:14

If you're uncomfortable, then it's your decision.
Is it a long-term relationship or relatively new? Because that makes quite a difference too.

Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 08:33:01

Will come back to this later as I am at work.
Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.
Thanks for replies.

NewAtThisMalarky Fri 19-Apr-13 08:34:27

What are you thinking is going to be a problem for your younger ds's? Surely nothing will be going on that hasn't already happened with them in the house between you and their dad?

I do get that it's a big deal for you, but if this is a girl that he has been seeing for a while and the younger ds's have met her already then I don't think it will be a big deal for them.

jacks365 Fri 19-Apr-13 08:34:39

YANBU Your house your rules and he needs to consider the people he shares the house with. You can make it clear to him that its not the idea of the spending the night together but that its inappropriate with younger siblings in the house that you say no.

exoticfruits Fri 19-Apr-13 08:36:33

If it is getting to be most nights is it not time for them to find their own place?

diddl Fri 19-Apr-13 08:36:58

Sorry but I don't get the "he's an adult".

Well yes, but he's still living in someone elses house.

If he wants to do what he wants when he wants, he gets his own place imo.

Weekends sounds plenty.

Does he also stay at hers?

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 08:37:35

It's your house your rules but I think you YABU. 20 is quite old really to be made to have a separate bedroom from your girlfriend.

We've had this recently with my 17 year old DS, which I think is quite young. We've compromised on it being ok when he's 18, as long as he is in a longish term relationship and not for one night stands!

Do you have specific religious views or similar issue with it, is he aware of this? I not, & if he is a similar age, I do think you may be a little bit U. If you say no (which is your right as it's your house) he may just stay at hers, or they will probably end up getting up to no good at a party at a friends house, in a bus shelter etc. If he's an adult if can reasonably expect to be treated like one, ie that you agree to this or that you & he have a proper discussion why you don't want his GF to stay.
At least if they are at yours you know they are safe. However if you still say no, he should respect that, but don't necessarily expect them to 'behave themselves' elsewhere.

Sorry multiple x post.

livinginwonderland Fri 19-Apr-13 08:41:54

Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.

but you didn't say this in your OP. your post implied that you didn't let her stay over at all. one or two nights a week is reasonable, but more than that is a bit unfair.

Locketjuice Fri 19-Apr-13 08:42:48

Yabu he's 20.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 08:45:36

These two need to get their own place if it's that frequent.

sweetestcup Fri 19-Apr-13 08:45:40

Together about 8 months, am fine for odd nights over the weekend but its becoming every single night of the week.

This completely changes the question really. Why is it suddenly inappropriate for your younger DSs when shes already stayed before at weekends, dont get it.

But as people said its your house. I dont have an issue letting my 20 year old DSs girlfriend staying over with him, our walls are very thin so I know for sure they wouldnt do anything though, they would be too embarrassed!

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 08:46:13

Agree that 'becoming every single night' changes the scenario. It is a different issue to not being allowed to have his gf sleep in his room at all. I wouldn't like it very night tbh as that impacts on family life. I think you need to compromise with him on how many, and which nights she stays over.

exoticfruits Fri 19-Apr-13 08:49:35

More than a couple of nights a week means they need to start paying bills.

schoolgovernor Fri 19-Apr-13 08:56:45

If it's starting to be every night then he's effectively moving her in, which is completely different to the odd overnight stay. Contrary to what some seem to think, nobody has an obligation to provide a home for their child and their partner. It's your choice if you want to add another member to your household. If you decide you do then you need to draw up a price for rent and other expenses, and some "house rules" about use of kitchen, housework and possibly even parking. If you don't want another adult moving into your house you're perfectly entitled to tell your son that if he wants to live with his girlfriend they need to find their own place.
I wouldn't even consider it personally.

Isthiscorrect Fri 19-Apr-13 09:04:54

yy to say no. I'm coming at this from a different angle. Ds if off to uni shortly and I have been stalking browsing the student room forum. And according to students at uni on that forum almost permanent moving in is a big no no because as somebody says elsewhere in the thread, it changes the whole student house/family house dynamics.
Time for a chat and new rules about bills or a place of their own.

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 09:21:07

YANBU. At all.

There is a lot of liberal nonsense on thus issue but it is YOUR house. Actually I have made that mistake with adult son in the past and won't be repeating it. He pays rent, she doesn't.

We have had, in the past, queues daily for the bathroom, you never get a weekend without them hanging around and hogging the lounge, they start to play house by cooking separately and leaving a mess. An occasional sleepover eg if he us at Uni and home for a while us one thing, but if living at home full time it rapidly descends to Gf practically moving in.

Don't do it!

People who are for it may not have had the experience as a parent, and are thinking if their own teen years.

Also it alters the dynamics between siblings and sometimes not for the good.

If he is ready to move out, fair enough.

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 09:22:10

Is, not us!

diddl Fri 19-Apr-13 09:26:03

When I lived at my parents & paid rent-that was my contribution to the food & bills.

Not an invitation to treat the house as my own.

To do that-I had to get a house of my own!!

LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog Fri 19-Apr-13 09:27:02

Weekends is plenty. I'm looking at it from a different perspective though, when DP was young his older brothers girlfriend started staying on weekends then weekdays and would get up shower go off to work come back and stay at her mums once or twice a week and he hated it. He felt embarrassed in the morning and used to wake up early and get dressed because he said he could never fully relax he was only 10 or 11. His sisters did the same and sat about in makeup at silly o clock too. It's not just his house and I wouldn't like a permanent visitor and you don't either by the sound of it grin

LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog Fri 19-Apr-13 09:29:04

Oh and this carried on until they were almost thirty and pregnant grin

everlong Fri 19-Apr-13 09:33:14

What do you object to though? The staying over or the frequency?

2rebecca Fri 19-Apr-13 09:33:17

I wouldn't want another person in my house and feel that if my kids get old enough to want to sleep regularly with someone else then it's time to flee the nest and rent somewhere. I like my space and privacy. An occasional overnight stay at that age would be fine but I don't want a lodger, I also think wanting to have regular sex with someone in your parents' house is a bit creepy, but that's manybe because I left home at 18 and never had boyfriends staying over. Even when I was in my 20s my ex's parents didn't want us sleeping together until we got engaged. I just accepted that and felt a bit weird having sex in their house anyway.
They've got to strike out on their own some day.

imour Fri 19-Apr-13 09:35:14

i would be ok with 1 or 2 nights max a week with my kids , any more then i would suggest they get a place together .

SirChenjin Fri 19-Apr-13 09:39:36

Your house your rules - if you don't feel comfortable with it and he doesn't like your decision then show him the property section of the local paper.

frazmum Fri 19-Apr-13 09:40:38

Can completely understand how you're feeling. My DD18 regularly stays over at her boyfriends but he doesn't stay here as DH is uncomfortable with it. Partly as it is his daughter and feels that while he knows what's going on, he doesn't want it right under his nose. Also we have younger DC's, one DS just entering puberty and that confusing stage.

Could you try having her overnight but make one of them sleep on the couch just to get everyone used to the idea (that's what I wanted to do but DH overruled that one too)? Make it a gradual thing.

Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 12:32:13

Sorry I wrote and ran but it all got too much last night which would have been night 4... I have an issue with midweek as its school for younger children try are dashing around in and out of bathroom and bedroom getting ready as am I, DS leaves for work at 6 and leaves GF in his room. I then feel uncomfortable that I have another adult in my home and I just can't relax.

Sex isn't the issue its not wanting the other children to think they can continue this pattern of inviting another adult into the family home, disregarding my feelings. I have tried to be reasonable but he feels she should be able to stay as often as he wants her here.
Thanks for replies so far I will read all of them when I am not working.
Thank you.

mrsmalcolmreynolds Fri 19-Apr-13 13:24:36

Well in that case YANBU to say enough is enough, but have you made it absolutely clear to your DS that this is the reason for you saying no? For him to be saying that you're oldfashioned and behind the times suggests that he thinks (or is pretending to think!) that it is about sex.

Sounds like you need to set some ground rules (eg. Fri/Sat only, checking with you in advance and if you say no, that means no).

Crinkle77 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:24:47

YANBU. It is your business as it is your house. If you are not comfortable then he should respect your decision. If he does not like it then he can get his own place. My mum was exactly the same with us when we were younger. Boyfriends could stay over but in a separate room. I thought she was old fashioned but seeing as it was her house I had to respect her rules.

iZombie Fri 19-Apr-13 13:28:02

They should get their own place. They're taking your good will to it's limit and it is beyond rude.

BackforGood Fri 19-Apr-13 13:29:26

Of course YANBU (although your 2nds post telling it completely different from your title and you OP, didn't help matters!)

It's your home, and no other adult can expect to walzt in and (virtually) live there. If your ds doesn't like it, then maybe it's time they looked at getting somewhere together.

Fairylea Fri 19-Apr-13 13:32:28

Yanbu. That's too much. It's like having a lodger forced on you. Tell him he either goes by your rules or moves out. He is 20 afterall.

Floralnomad Fri 19-Apr-13 13:38:53

I had this issue with my son and having partners sleeping and I said no . He is welcome to have people in his room doing whatever until 11.30 PM but then I expect everyone to be downstairs ( who doesn't live here) . It's nothing to do with sex its simply that I want to be able to dress however I want in my own home and I also have a younger child.

Startail Fri 19-Apr-13 13:40:59

YABU to ban them, but YANBU not to want a permanent visitor.

My now DH slept at my parents every other weekend for six months and then, after I went back to uni, every third weekend for almost two years (I was 20, he was 23).

Fond though my parent were of him I think they and, certainly my younger sister, would have found us annoying being love birds every day.

Likewise my collage friends didn't want him at our flat every weekend, one in three they could cope with too. The third weekend was spent in his tiny bed sit where we annoyed no one, but it was a squeeze.

His parents got us in the holidays because they lived too far away for weekends. His wonderful, older Mother let us seep together and never let on to his even older dad how many beds she changed in the annex grin

ceebie Fri 19-Apr-13 13:42:03

My mother always said "my house, my rules", and although irritating it was a fair point. I was away at university and she knew I was sleeping with my boyfriend, but nevertheless if he was visiting my house, he stayed in the spare room, and that was non-negotiable. She just didn't feel comfortable with it, and fair enough.

Obviously you are already a lot more relaxed about letting the girlfriend stay. But my point is the same as many other posters - just because he's an adult does not mean that he gets to decide what goes on in your house.

YANBU

Do you remember when he was 3 and you had to define your boundaries and stick to them? (This is where I'm at - can you tell?). Same thing for when he's 20, I reckon.

Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 21:16:10

Thanks for replies.smile

IloveJudgeJudy Fri 19-Apr-13 22:25:42

I agree with you. Same sort of scenario with my DB (but not a GF). He had a very good friend who had been kicked out of his home and was lodging with another family. He was paying rent to them. All fine. He used to come round to dinner at ours quite a lot. Then it became 7 days/week. DM told DB that it couldn't be every single night, even though we all really liked the friend. The nights/week were limited to 4 or 5, I think.

From your first OP I thought you werent allowing him to have her stay at all, but now it's nearly every night and in the week, I completely agree with you. I would sit all down (without GF) and have a civilised family discussion and agree some kind of compromise. He's an adult and should be up for this sort of thing.

OkayHazel Fri 19-Apr-13 22:35:46

I think your son needs to move out. If I was him (I am a 21 year old woman) I'd be desperate to leave your control!

My fella started staying over on the sofa at 16, and was allowed to stay in my bed at 18. Then 6 months I moved out and could do what the bloody hell I wanted. Best choice ever.

Beamur Fri 19-Apr-13 22:39:21

YANBU - weekends is one thing, effectively living there is another.
Your house, your rules.

OhLori Fri 19-Apr-13 22:41:18

To be honest, I think your son is not respecting your feelings or your views.

amicissimma Fri 19-Apr-13 22:45:56

YANBU. I don't allow DD 's boyfriend to stay overnight. I am quite well aware of what they do when she stays at his, but I am not comfortable with him staying here. It's my house and if I have rules she thinks are too silly for her to live with, she is welcome to move out.

Part of the reason is what has happened to you: he stays one night a week, then two, then three, etc. If I want a lodger (which I don't) I will chose him/her myself and set up a contract on my terms.

Ouchmyhead Sat 20-Apr-13 02:03:08

YANBU, your house, your rules you don't need to justify them. I am 24, when I lived at home there was a strict no bf/Gf staying over rule for me and my brother, because they weren't comfortable with it - simple as! When I moved in with my now fiancé they started to allow we are allowed to share a room when we stay over at theirs, but until then it was a no!

Rockinhippy Sat 20-Apr-13 02:27:18

Your house, your rules

pinkr Sat 20-Apr-13 20:59:33

I was never allowed anyone staying over...my parents house their rules. In fact its only since dh and I got married that we can sleep in my old room...until then and even at the grand old age of 30 plus and owning our own house it wasn't on. I respect my dads rules.

Danceasifnooneswatching Sat 20-Apr-13 23:51:22

Desperate to leave my control??
It's interesting to see different views and that's why I posted.
Thank you allgringrin

Springdiva Sun 21-Apr-13 01:36:20

Are you a single parent Dance?
There was another thread on here about this and the DS seemed to be taking on the 'man of the house' role and over-riding his single-parent DM's wishes.
This sounds a bit similar.
My DCs could sleep with partners at my house only after they had left home and were sleeping with them regularly or living with them so they had a bigger commitment to the GF/BF which made them more part of the family, iyswim.

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 01:51:10

rent makes no difference. its your house, not his. if you don't like it, he finds somewhere else to fuck his girlfriend.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 16:31:59

oh god i could have written this. Ds is 20 Gf 19 he does not get that I like the house to just be family sometimes Gf is lovely and tbh he stays at hers more than she is here but sometimes when he announces (not asks) that shes coming over, sometimes for tea too with little notice my heart sinks and he can tell I am not happy but can never see that there is an issue.

It's 'your house your rules' for me too. I can never really relax when I have visitors - I feel the need to be 'the host' to them. I would not be happy to be forced to be the host endlessly.

If he wants to move someone in, then he can move them in to HIS place - the one he should be looking for right now. As for his saying you are "old fashioned and behind the times" and that it's none of your business - well, he would say that, wouldn't he? It's the 'best' he can come up with, because he's got no real argument.

Oh, and LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog made a VERY good point on how it can affect the younger siblings (Fri 19-Apr-13 09:27:02).

Danceasifnooneswatching Mon 22-Apr-13 11:50:01

Not a single parent no but he is not my husbands child, It seems that it's a difficult thing to deal with in lots of families, I never thought I would feel like this as we are very close and I thought I would be ok with him having a GF to stay over!!

I think if he was an only child I may feel differently but am not sure, this is a part of having a grown up child that I wasn't prepared for.

Got to go through this another 3 timesgringrin.

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