to be scared of getting married because I'm fat?

(105 Posts)
hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 21:40:29

I am losing some weight, trying to at least but I will always be on the bigger side my body doesn't lend itself to smallness, 5'8+ size 10 feet broad shoulder etc.
But I am dreading getting married as I am convinced everyone will be sneering and making comments about me and my dress or comparing me to my bridesmaids (much prettier) or my SIL (again much prettier) , I'm dreading the photos (even if I was skinny I look like a bulldog chewing a wasp).
I went shopping with DM the other month and spent the entire fitting talking about how good she would have looked in those dresses, and saying 'well you're on about loosing more weight aren't you?' I felt like I didn't want to get married coz well if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed.
I feel sick with worry and the whole idea makes me sick , dreading what should be the happiest day of my life and its got worse the closer I get.
I know this is a rant but I feel like I am going to erupt or runaway I need to spill somewhere. please diplomatic I'm on the verge of tears atm.
Do I need a shake, AIBU to dread my wedding day and think everyone will be sneering at me?

OpheliasWeepingWillow Thu 18-Apr-13 21:42:09

OK this is about you marrying someone you love, in sight of friends and family. Ignore your mother, concentrate on the love and being kinder to yourself. You are not the sum of your weight.

I bet you look beautiful.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:11

Oh and nothing wrong with broad shouldered! Just don't wear a halter neck! grin

Tortington Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:14

i think brides do tend to get it all out of context - its so important to you an you spend a lot of money, but tbh, most other people don't really give that bigger shit,

that said, you still want to feel great on your day, whwne is it and what are you doing to loose weight

hermioneweasley Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:44

I really don't think people you care enough about to invite to your wedding will be sneering at you. And I guess your fiancé thinks you're beautiful.

Everyone is self conscious about the way they look. Choose something you feel comfortable in, that makes you feel fabulous. True beauty radiates from within and if getting married is a happy occasion for you, then you will be absolutely glowing.

Oh, and don't take your mother to any more fittings if she's going to knock your confidence.

Have a wonderful day.

mateinthree Thu 18-Apr-13 21:45:17

Most people will not sneer at you or judge you. And you shouldn't invite the sort of people who would, family or not.

Bearbehind Thu 18-Apr-13 21:49:16

I'm not exactly skinny either, fuck them, it's about you.

There are some miraculously corseted wedding dresses around, just find one you feel comfortable in and you'll shine.

Don't try and squeeze yourself into something too small just because you'll know what size it said on the label. A dress that fits well will flatter you far more than one that is a size smaller just for vanity purposes.

Enjoy your day, if you are happy and smiley you'll look beautiful whatever you wear.

dingit Thu 18-Apr-13 21:50:07

I felt exactly the same as you. I stood and cried on the final fitting of my dress. I can't think of anything to help, other than what the others have said. Relax and enjoy your day, it's all about you and your intended. I must have done something right, we had been married 20 years.

specialsubject Thu 18-Apr-13 21:50:23

WTF? Who said brides have to be pygmies?

no-one will be sneering at you, your wedding should be full of your friends and people who love you. Anyone who doesn't fall into those categories doesn't get an invite, it's great!

the meringue looks silly on most women, as does the horrible strapless look. Remember even super-skinny Kate Middleton looked a bit of a joke in her dress, with all that lace that looked like her bra was showing. So find an outfit YOU love, whatever it is - no need for fancy dress, just a knock-em dead frock of some sort.

talk to your fiance about your worries, and get the wedding you WANT, not what you think you should have.

good luck.

bedmonster Thu 18-Apr-13 21:51:14

Bloody hell, ditch your mother for the next fitting whatever you do, doesn't sound like she does much for your self esteem. Do you have a good friend/sister etc you could take instead?
And don't compare yourself to anyone else in the wedding party, you are the one getting married, to a man who loves you for who you are, not what you are. Even though as a tall size 10 I can't for the life of me work out how on earth you might even feasibly be considered 'fat'?
And no one sneers at a bride getting married. They all look at her admiringly smile

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:05

Yanbu to be worried. Everyone wants to feel great on their wedding day so I can understand your mental melt down over appearance.

Rowgtfc72 Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:25

Good underwear !. I am by no means on the skinny side, had to order a size 22 to fit me boobs. I had a lovely day and concentrated more on getting married than what I looked like.Youll get swept up in the occasion.

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:34

Why bother with a formal wedding if it's making you feel like this?

Weddings are supposed to be fun...a day to remember for the rest of your life.

Not everyone is cut out to 'stand on display' no matter what they look like.

Why not have a very small intimate wedding? After all, it's the marriage that's important.

Bearbehind Thu 18-Apr-13 21:52:52

It might not be relevant but I hated the fact that all wedding dresses seem to be strapless and didn't suit me at all (my back tits were bigger than my front ones!). Try looking at different styles.

YoniTrix Thu 18-Apr-13 21:53:05

My sister was a size 20+ when she got married, she looked amazing and radiant and had a fabulous day. I'm sure you will too.

Pollykitten Thu 18-Apr-13 21:53:10

Your mother sounds like a delight. There are always people bigger/smaller, prettier/less attractive, smarter/stupider than us. Perhaps you are comparing yourself to a completely unrealistic ideal (5'4 with size 5 feet, for example). Can you focus on what your 'best you' would look like and also on finding a lovely dress that will show off your height and other good points? I had my wedding dress made for me by a lovely Chinese woman who copied a Jenny Packham dress for a fraction of the price - I found wedding dress shops quite stressful actually.

Have a look online for dresses you like, read up on what shapes are good for your bodyshape and above all, on the whole people LOVE a wedding and are wishing you the very best.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Thu 18-Apr-13 21:53:29

I was a fat bride, and I felt awesome on my wedding day. I looked ok I think, and I always loathe my appearance. My mother is one of life's negative people, she'll always fixate on something negative. Took her dress shopping. Her final comment on my chosen dress was, "well, it isn't as flattering a style as you could have chosen"... Eventually I just ignored her negativity and got on with it. One of my friends said to me at my wedding, that she had never been to a wedding where the bride hasn't looked the best she had ever looked, and that's really true for me too, and I'll bet it's mainly the happiness that just radiates from someone who is marrying the person they love with all the people they love around them.

Sidge Thu 18-Apr-13 21:54:02

IMO all brides look beautiful regardless of whether they are tall, short, fat, thin, blonde brunette or redhead.

You are marrying the man (or woman!) you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, in front of people who love and care for you.

That is reason to glow, to radiate beauty and happiness. It doesn't matter at all what number is on the label of your wedding dress.

Jengnr Thu 18-Apr-13 21:54:15

I was the fattest I've ever been on my wedding day. And all anyone commented on was my smile* because as I walked down that aisle I couldn't stop grinning. I was radiant that day.

You will be too! Happiness makes you beautiful, fuck your size. Get the dress that makes you feel incredible and you will look it. Trust.


*I tell a lie. One of husband's mates (not usually a perv) said 'look at her tits' smile

Softlysoftly Thu 18-Apr-13 21:54:21

I made the mistake of going "natural" makeover on my wedding day, because brides are delicate bushing flowers aren't they?

In hindsight that's not me I should have vamped out in the red dress and dark makeup I saw first!

Fuck your family and trying to feel all delicate it's clearly but sitting well with you. The man you are marrying loves YOU so be YOU.

Wear what makes you feel good not some white dress virginal dictate!

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 21:56:25

Firstly, you are the most BEAUTIFUL woman in the world in your fiances eyes, and when you walk down that aisle all he will be able to think is how LUCKY is he to get to marry you.

Secondly, avoid any idiotic, judgemental, foot in mouth twats who make you feel bad, even if its your own mother. Surround yourself with positive people who love you and will make you feel good about yourself.

Thirdly, you won't even be giving this a second thought on the day itself! You'll be too busy getting married and being busy and happy and wonderful.

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 21:56:44

Thankyou for the replies, I was expecting harsher from AIBU.

I hope so, I'm ordering a fitted of shoulder gown, so hopefully it will be flattering,

I thought halters were recommended for broad shouldered women? (who knew)

yeah my mum I dunno, she comes across as quite self absorbed, constantly bangs on about how good looking she was in the day, I think she's disappointed she got landed with an ugly daughter. She does sometimes say nice things but it feels disingenuous if anyone has experienced that with their mum.

getting quite tearful now.

Pollykitten Thu 18-Apr-13 21:57:38

Ooo yes softly lots of scope with vintage dresses, bright red lips and hair rolls too...

apostropheuse Thu 18-Apr-13 21:58:35

OP Take a deep breath and actually think about this. Your fiancé is marrying you because he loves you. He can't be exactly repulsed by you, now can he? He obviously wants you to be his wife, whether you look gorgeous, plain or somewhere in between. Does it really matter about what anyone else thinks? It's all about you and him declaring your love for one another and pledging your commitment for life, not about the fripperies that makes up a wedding day.

I am sure you will look absolutely beautiful, even though you cannot see that. Many people don't see themselves how others see them. If you can try to be proud of who you are you will shine and people will not fail to see your beauty. You are a human being who is worthwhile and you need to remember that.

Your mother needs to butt out and you should just bloody tell her that.

Pollykitten Thu 18-Apr-13 22:00:26

hairtearing it sounds like your mum is upsetting you more than perhaps even you know. If the best she can do is bring you down to compensate for her faded looks, then for goodness sake keep her at a (very long) arm's length. I am sure you are lovely and you deserve to feel lovely on your wedding day.

[raspberry] at your mum; I am really NOT impressed with her.

FWIW, I am a broadshouldered, big-boobed size 16 14, got married aged 31 in a fabulous preloved dress by a big name designer (the name of which I cannot even remember anymore...). I was dreading the whole being-looked-at all day, having photos taken, being the centre of attention. And yy to slimmer, younger, prettier bridesmaids.
I went dress-shopping with my size 8-10 mum who had to try on a number of dresses for me as all the sample sizes were far to small for me. Not ONCE did she make me feel awkward.

I had a brilliant day; I loved my dress, I was v happy about marrying DH and we had a fab day with our family and friends.

This was 16 years ago, the photos are a great memory and I look good in them.

My top-tip: go dress-shopping with someone who will be supportive, even when honest., Yes halternecks are probably not a great idea, but concentrate on what you DO like about your body, rather than what you don't and accentuate that. Do you have waist? Boobs? I bet you have legs to your armpits envy. Find something you like about yourself and then make a dress show off that feature.

I totally agree that the wedding day has very little to do with how the marriage will work. Don't give in more importance than it deserves: it is a public marker of you and your fiance's committment to spend the rest of your lives together, no more and no less. A big celebration.
Like I said, our day was great, but not the best and not the most important day of my life. I get really cross with the hysterics over wedding days <<bah humbug>>

Avoid shopping with your mum if she makes you feel crap. I'd even consider a personal shopper...

Rooble Thu 18-Apr-13 22:01:38

Please don't dread the photos. It is not obligatory by law to have them, you know. I had size/image issues on my wedding day - in the event nobody cared what I looked like. Totally by accident we never got our formal photos back (loooong story) and as a result just cadged ones that our guests had taken which show all the people we love most having a great party. Including us. But because none are staged we both look fine in them.
But agree you should avoid shopping and fittings with your mother. Hope it all goes well

topsyturner Thu 18-Apr-13 22:02:33

OP I was a fat chick when I got married .
Size 18 at least .
I got my dressed made by a professional , and she advised as to what would suit my shape .
I decided that dh asked to marry a fat chick , so he would think it bizarre if I lost loads of weight just for a wedding !

If you find the right style for your shape (hint , 50s style suits those of us with boobs and thighs !)
Then you will look fantastic !

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:03:29

bedmonster, I'm taking some mates next time, I'm not a s,10 my feet are I'm a 22 usually a bit bigger in bridal sizes.

She kept banging on about losing weight etc really loudly not like you fat bitch, but just even going on about it was bad enough and only between brief intervals of how a mermaid dress woulds have looked fantastic on her. I just thought to myself, when do I get my day, when does it get to be about me?, ah well can't choose parents.

I worry all the photos will be horrendous, so has nobody been to a bigger ladies wedding and thought 'good god!'

HuwEdwards Thu 18-Apr-13 22:04:48

Get some advice from a personal dresser (free at big stores like John Lewis) about what suits and how to draw people's eye to your most positive areas (don't give me shit about not having any!).

I was at a wedding last year where the bride was obviously in love, gorgeous, confident, happy and had a ball. She also happened to be a large lady.

This WILL be you. Get positive, it's YOUR day, take control and have a ball!

Pollykitten Thu 18-Apr-13 22:09:38

went to gloriously busty, large girl's wedding and she had a ball and she looked beautiful - she is short and round and her DH a 6'6 string bean and they danced the night away, she in her bare feet.

I've truly only thought 'hmmm' twice - once when the bride wore a chocolate brown, frilly creation that was just a bit odd and the other who was too thin and you could see her bony back - it looked a bit joyless.

What would Gok Wan say to you? [smiley]

manicinsomniac Thu 18-Apr-13 22:11:37

YANBU as to how you feel personally. Everyone wants to look wonderful on their wedding day, the photos are things that are around foever, often in frames on display or in albums worth hundreds of pounds. Wedding dresses are usually white/very pale so hardly flattering.

But YABU to think that anyone else has a right to have any input on how you look and feel at your wedding. It's your day and you're marrying someone who loves you and who you love.

If I were you, feeling as you do, I would either lose weight to a degree I felt happy with or I would find a flattering outfit that I felt comfortable with that was not a pale colour and covered the tops of the arms/shoulders which is often the area that ends up looking too big. Then you can enjoy the day and the photos properly.

Sunnysummer Thu 18-Apr-13 22:13:03

Poor you! I agree with the others that the most important thing is to find a way to make the wedding (and the dress) right for you and your DH-to-be, just as you are.If the day and the outfit are suit you are then I bet you will feel and look happy and gorgeous, whether that's in a 'blushing bride' way or an 'Amazonian goddess' way!

You don't mention your fiancé here, but he thinks you're lovely just as you are - have you talked to him to get some reassurance? It's also unconventional, but if you feel uncomfortable having the bridesmaids in fittings, he can always come - either way, sounds like DM has lost dress fitting privileges (or needs to sort out her attitude fast).

Hope things get better soon!

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:14:42

Thanks apostrophe, you are right of course you are all right.

I think its without malice if that makes any sense ans shes always willing to help which makes me feel bad saying this stuff.

I see a lot of judgy fat comments irl and online and it makes me worry tbh.

BooCanary Thu 18-Apr-13 22:15:52

OP, you need to tailor your wedding so you feel happy and comfortable.
I worry about being unattractive, an hated the thought of everyone looking at me on my wedding day. In the end I got a family member to do the photos cvos I didnt want a big fuss and 100 photos of me!

I actually remember standing in the shower the week before the wedding, praying to God that is be good forever as long as He insured I had a spot-free back for the wedding!!! And I don't even believe in God grin .

The important thing is your DH will think you look gorgeous. Mine did he is clearly blind .

BooCanary Thu 18-Apr-13 22:16:39

* I'd be good

Read Shelly Laurenston's book Big Bad Beast - pretend you are Dee Ann, and then get out there and buy a kick ass corset (try Vollers) and a lovely long skirt to go with it to get married in, and the highest heels you can walk in (and I am so not being mean or rude or anything really, I have size 9 feet!) - try the transvestite shops/web sites if you can't find any, they do the most beautiful footwear in sizes way above 10s and find the outfit to make you know you look like why the riot started grin
(I am 5'2 and well over 20 stone so have BTDT when it comes to wedding dress angst honestly - you are TALL! so stand up and be proud and you will look fabulous grin )

FIFIBEBE Thu 18-Apr-13 22:18:44

Last year I went to a wedding of a friend who is probably a size 24, she looked amazing, she just looked so happy and genuinely radiant. Her dress fitted her perfectly and she wore it with confidence. She normally wears long cardigans and loose trousers and tops, but her dress was fitted and off the shoulder, so quite a difference and she pulled it off.

Pigsmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 22:18:59

I am 5.8 and broad, was 22 weeks pregnant getting married (not shot gun, the wedding was booked a year in advance) and I panicked too, throw back your shoulders, stick your chin out and hit the wedding shops but take a good friend/relative shopping with you, not your Mum. Then find a dress that that you don't want to take off, it does exsist, I promise x

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:10

hair, check out these posts. All brides have self-labelled as plus size, and all look as radiant and fabulous as you will on your wedding day.

offbeatbride.com/tag/plus-size

BlastAndDalmatians Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:47

I'm quite fat and short and not hugely confident with the way I look. I have ordered my wedding dress from eBay (knee length prom dress style, no shopping!), and I'm not having bridesmaids so I have no skinny gorgeous women next to me to compare myself to!

Your mum really isn't helping your self esteem sad

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:04

BooCanary, Ill be scared of the photos too, but I've been a googling and alot of the prides have the odd double chin moment and hoiking up look.

btw this is the kind I want.

www.laceweddingdressesuk.co.uk/store/img/george-bride-a-line-romantic-lace-off-shoulder-wedding-dress-with-beautiful-fitted-skirt-and-sweep-train_17246_500.jpg

calmlychaotic Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:27

I went to the wedding of a bigger lady last year,and she isn't typically pretty. But she looked just radiant on her day, it was such a lovely day, everyone enjoyed the wedding, she was just so happy it was infectious. She looked beautiful, she really did. She had pretty skinny bridesmaids too and no one was looking at them. Its your day enjoy it. Looks are irrelevant, I don't choose my friends on what they look like.

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:58
Chunderella Thu 18-Apr-13 22:23:14

Of course nobody is going to be comparing you unfavourably to prettier relatives. At most weddings, the bride is not the most beautiful person there. Couldn't possibly be, since not only beautiful people get married. I can't think of a single wedding I've been to where that was the case, and yet I've never heard any talk of which guests are better looking than the bride. Don't take your mother again, and see if you can go to a specialist in larger sizes. Yes, by all means lose a bit of weight before the wedding- most British adults could stand to eat more healthily and take off a few pounds after all. But people won't be sneering if you don't!

Dollybird86 Thu 18-Apr-13 22:29:05

I got married in 2011 & I am a size 16/18 I never wanted to lose weight for my wedding I was very happy to look like me on my wedding day! U will look beautiful on ur wedding day & u will feel amazing because ur marrying the person u love the most in the world! Oh & I love my wedding photos there are a few I look a bit chubbs in but we both look so happy that's all that matters! X

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:29:30

Sorry to hear that Blast but I'm in the same boat, yeah in hindsight having skinny bridesmaids was probably a mistake!

specialsubject Thu 18-Apr-13 22:32:45

like everyone of whatever shape, to look your best you need to choose a dress that suits you.

I'm no fashion expert and I can't see you, so I've no idea what that is. So find someone who does know, and is going to dress you as you are. Also ask hubby-to-be what he would like to see. Stop going shopping with someone who insults you the whole time.

a thought; if you have lovely hair don't scrunch it up in some ghastly oversprayed fussy up do. Be yourself on your wedding day. And make sure you are comfortable, hoicking boobs and staggering in uncomfortable shoes is not a good look on anyone!

Chandon Thu 18-Apr-13 22:34:18

Your mum sounds rubbish, mums are supposed to be supportive, ffs, bad luck OP, see less of her is my advice!

You do not have to do a traditional wedding, you know? You do not have to have bridesmaids, a white dress, or anything that s "not really you".

Try to think how you would really want it to be, and do that. It could be casual affair, or a Vegas affair, or a big white p rincess do, or even a theme (50s style? ) or a simple garden party ( that is what we did, did not have money for more). Do not be bogged down by what s expected. Do what you think is fun

You do not have to be a skinny princess in a meringue, you know. I had no hair do or make up, as that just was not me. And no brides maids. And I bought my dress on my own.

Softlysoftly Thu 18-Apr-13 22:34:21

I'm bigger now than my wedding day, size 20. And when I wear my fitted keyhole neck dress with waist cinched in and hair in mad curls, I look hot. Fact grin

Wear it with confidence and people will believe. Trust me.

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:40:05

keyhole neck is that halter? I'm in 2 minds halter-shows off boobs or off the shoulder

I have quite good hair ish and my hairdresser says I missed my vocation and should have been a make up artist. so theres hope..

Weegiemum Thu 18-Apr-13 22:44:51

When I got married 18 years ago I was 16 stones.

When you talk to people, even today, about our wedding, everyone mentions the massive smile on dh's face when he turned round to see me coming down the aisle. A friend said it was "a smile that filled the church".

You are you. Your bloke wants to marry you no matter what. I was a size 20, size 10 feet, a total lol loping load of lard, and it was the best day of my life.

Enjoy it!!

Selks Thu 18-Apr-13 22:47:27

I was at a friend's wedding last saturday. She's around a size 22. She looked radiant, beautiful and happy. The key to it for her was ensuring that she had a dress that she felt happy in - she chose a grecian style long empire line dress in cream with a lace stole. Hair up and fresh flowers in her hair. Utterly gorgeous and totally suited her shape.

So embrace your gorgeous curves and choose something lovely that you will feel good in. Then focus on enjoying your day for what it represents - the joining of beautiful you with your fan man. have a great day! x

Secondsop Thu 18-Apr-13 23:09:41

OP please don't worry. I was a size 20-22 when I got married and although with hindsight I would have chosen a different outfit (the white satin skirt did little for me but the loose long-sleeved chiffon top was gorgeous) I had one heck of a day and i felt absolutely beautiful. what matters is how youll feel on the day, so ditch any influences that affect that. so ditch your mother for dress-shopping, and take either a supportive friend or go alone; nothing wrong with going alone.

re the photos, I still look back on mine and love them. i too got caught up in it all and worried about the photos, but really all you need is one or two that you like, and you need never look at the other ones again.

Do you want to lose weight for your wedding day? It's not compulsory. Everyone might assume that every bride wants to be at her slimmest but if you don't want to because youre happy with the way you look, you really don't have to lose weight. Brides come in all shapes and sizes; we don't all have to become dainty waifs on our wedding day!

Last thing: the weddings I've been to, the brides all seem to blur into one vision of paleness and lace and flowers and bodices, but what really sticks in my mind about a wedding is the heart and soul of the couple involved and the manifestation of that in the atmosphere of the wedding. That's what matters, and that's what you'll ultimately remember.

Softlysoftly Thu 18-Apr-13 23:11:06

Keyhole is this http://www.clothes-for-big-breasts.com/keyhole-neckline.html
Mines capsleeves with keyhole.

BIWI Thu 18-Apr-13 23:17:04

Firstly, congratulations! How lovely to have a wedding to look forward to. flowers

Now.

Who has decided that you are fat and that you need to lose weight?

Do you think so, or do you feel that other people have decided that you are fat? Does your fiance think that you are fat? Does he want you to lose weight for your wedding?

If you are happy with your weight, then fuck everyone else. grin

If you would like to lose weight, then let's talk practicalities. How long do you have until the wedding?

It will only work if you want it to. But we also need to know when your wedding is before we can work out a plan of action for you to help you!

BlackDahlia11 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:19:49

I was a size 18 bride, wore a steel boned corset which was a god send and made me feel very confident smile I didn't diet for our wedding and put no pressure on myself. It was great not to feel any pressure. I had 5 bridesmaids who are all stunning, two look like models and one is like a skinny version of me. The other two also gorgeous. But I was the bride, and I didn't feel any attention was taken off me. There were lots of pretty and beautiful women at the wedding. It was fine, me and DH had a fantastic time and were so happy.

You are the bride, you will look beautiful whatever you wear. For confidence in yourself, find out what shapes of dresses suit your shape and maybe invest in some good shaped under garments. But make sure you feel comfortable too. I was used to steel boned corsets and feel comfy in them so felt great on the day. So find something you feel comfy in and most importantly, wear a smile. It will be one of the happiest days of your life and you will feel so happy to be marrying your partner.

Trillz Thu 18-Apr-13 23:21:55

YABU

Anyone who is important enough to you for you to invite them to the wedding already knows what you look like.

No matter how fat or thin you are, you won't look worse on your wedding day than you do normally, unless you make some very poor decisions.

If there is someone who you think they don't know what you look like and they will be unpleasant to you or think unpleasant things because of it - don't invite them.

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 18-Apr-13 23:22:00

I'm overweight, but the one thing I found is that the right wedding dress can make you look amazing, regardless of weight. I didn't have bridesmaids, but I was surrounded by skinny people in the photos, and I still think I looked brilliant grin. choose a lovely dress that makes you feel great, wear it with pride and enjoy your day.

MyDarlingClementine Thu 18-Apr-13 23:33:58

I am OW and I did myself down really and got a basic non wedding dress, although TBF we did have a credit crunch non trad wedding.

However, I then went to wedding of larger bride, much larger than me and it was a trad wedding and she was also a lovely girl and I have to say she was one of the most beautiful brides.....and I have been to a hell of a lot of weddings....

She truly radiated...and looked stunning.

Basically I wish I had gone all out too,.

Piffyonarock Fri 19-Apr-13 00:01:27

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding!

Have you read "How to look good naked" by Gok Wan? It was a bit of a revelation to me because it focusses on your good points and what suits you, not changing your body shape.

Personally I wouldn't recommend attempting to loose much weight for your wedding, I spent months flapping that my dress wouldn't fit if I put a bit of weight back on. I had a friend whose diet got a bit behind schedule and she had to buy another dress at very short notice, which did look fabulous but I don't think she felt very good about the situation. Wedding dress shopping can knock the confidence of many a lady of any size.

One of the nicest things I did in the run up to my wedding was following a getting ready for the festive season plan that I found in a magazine, with things like making sure you use hand cream/face cream/face mask/daily glass of water with some lemon juice in it/whatever pampering treats you like regularly and generally looking after yourself to feel your best - like a long-term confidence booster rather than bootcamp.

I have a phobia about standing up in front of audiences, especially public speaking and I think feeling my best really helped, although I was still bricking it on the day!

Thinking about weddings I've been a guest at, I think most of the comments are along the lines of "don't they look happy" and "look how radiant she is", rather than anything about body shape. Fake it 'til you make it - practice saying "I am radiantly happy to be marrying my love"or something 15 times in the mirror every day and walk tall.

You are going to be one fabulous bride!

reneaa2 Fri 19-Apr-13 02:13:06

op try not to worry about this. I think brides of all sizes and types can look beautiful.

. Stay away from negative opinions and try to find people who will give you constructive advise without hurting your self esteem.

Maybe have a google for photos of plus size brides and see if you can replicate the styles you like.

About your bridesmaids, are they all very different sizes to you? It might be an idea to have one or two who are similar sizes to you, helps to balance out the wedding party. (This applies to the groom and groomsmen and thinner brides as well).

trinity0097 Fri 19-Apr-13 06:43:45

Curvety do some lovely wedding dresses, I wish they had been around when I got married!

Mydarlingclemntine you know OW is usually used as an acronym for Other Woman don't you? I wouldn't start describing yourself as OW on here grin

OkayHazel Fri 19-Apr-13 06:56:01

Want some really tacky advice OP?

Watch 'Say Yes To The Dress: Big Bliss'

It's an American programme that finds the perfect wedding dress for plus size women. It's so good, and the woman look stunning by the end.

It will really give you some handy tips for what will suit you on the big day, and may inspire you to try things you never thought would work.

Please do give it a go! You'll find full episodes by searching on YouTube. And it is impossible not to love Randy.

soapandhorny Fri 19-Apr-13 06:56:02

I went to a couple of weddings abroad and was pleasantly surprised to see that the bride had not starved herself to death. I think that this is just another expectation on us along with a big flashy wedding.

All I want to say to you is that after 15 years of marriage and seeing many flashy weddings, skinny brides and amazing centre pieces, I can honestly say that none of these things matter. What makes a great marriage is all the things that happen after the big day, not on it.

magicstar1 Fri 19-Apr-13 08:25:53

I got married 5 years ago at size 26 (still am!) I was sick for months thinking about how I was going to look on the day. My mother was trying to help me to lose weight....she thought she was being supportive until the day I burst into tears in the car and told her how much pressure it was putting on me, and how it made me feel like I wasn't good enough to get married. I also rolled up my sleeves to show her the hives that had started to come up every time I thought about having to walk into the church being that size sad, and of the photos. I was even trying to come up with a way of putting the wedding off a year to try to lose weight.

Anyway, she stopped making any comments...I got my dress made because I was too embarrassed to go to a bridal shop, but it was perfect for me. I got my hair and makeup done, had a word with the photographer about how I hate photos and he was great. After all this, I smiled all day and felt amazing! I looked beautiful on the day!!

I suppose what I'm saying is that you'll be surprised how you feel on the day. Get a dress that you're happy in and makes you feel good. Don't forget that all the guests know you and have probably seen you on a really bad day, so you will look beautiful grin. I reminded myself a couple of times that it's not like they thought I was skinny, and would get a shock when they saw me at that size wink

Best of luck with everything x

NoWayPedro Fri 19-Apr-13 08:54:33

My sister was a size 18-20 when she got married a few years ago. She wore an off the shoulder dress as whilst she's goy big norks, she's pear shaped. It really evened her up iyswim and accentuated her waist. Good underwear too. Was also good as neck/clavicle is v sexy and didn't show too much of her upper arms.

That being said, she's never given a shit about her weight and is a sexy mama! It's not size that counts - it's how you strut your stuff and carry yourself. You'll be gorgeous smile

tomatoplantproject Fri 19-Apr-13 09:02:59

You will be the bride. You will be the most beautiful person there because you are the bride and your happiness will shine through. Your df has chosen to marry you, not your bridesmaids.

I'm not huge but my mum has a thing about my weight (about anyone's weight really but manages to make me feel rubbish). I took my bridesmaids dress shopping, and took my mum to the dress fitting when I knew I had a really flattering dress rather than giving her the opportunity to comment when I was trying on different styles.

Best of luck - my wedding day was the most fun day of my life and I just wish I could do it again - I am really envious of brides knowing they still have this day ahead.

WorraLiberty Fri 19-Apr-13 09:03:06

I went to a couple of weddings abroad and was pleasantly surprised to see that the bride had not starved herself to death. I think that this is just another expectation on us along with a big flashy wedding.

Why would any bride 'starve herself to death' unless she had an eating disorder? confused

i'm not surprised you feel the way you do with comments like that from your mother. that's nothing to do with what you look like, though, and everything to do with her. i'm sure you're perfectly attractive

anyway, everyone looks gorgeous when they're as happy as you will be on your wedding day

Your fiance knows exactly what you look like and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, regardless of size.

Two words...

Own

It

wink

And congrats! thanks

HeirToTheIronThrone Fri 19-Apr-13 09:19:20

I second maybe having a dress made - I HATED wedding dress shops, and when it came to one dress being hung round my neck on the hanger whilst I stood there in my pants as the sample was so small I decided not to put myself through it! So I have found an amazing dressmaker, who will make me something made to measure and therefore that fits perfectly and suits me.

You will be beautiful. My DM has made similar comments. I told her if she feels like that she doesn't need to come. She hasn't mentioned it again...

Isthiscorrect Fri 19-Apr-13 09:20:57

Congratulations on the wedding. Dont panic about your mum, she thinks she is trying to help, just leave her out of anymore dress fittings.

Take a look a this USA website that does wedding dresses (and other clothes for larger sizes). www.igigi.com/plus-size-dresses/wedding-dresses/?linkid=topmenu It also have curve connection where you can see real people wearing those very clothes, also it has another section to help you with what your shape should wear.

Good luck and you will look beautiful in the eyes of everyone.

Googlella Fri 19-Apr-13 09:25:32

OP - the dress is absolutely beautiful!

I have been to dozens of weddings and one of the most beautiful radiant brides was also the largest.

I battle with my weight but find belonging a group (ww for me) is the only way I can successfully lose weight . I have rejoined several times and as soon as I have lost that first pound I start to feel better about my weight and more in control, so that may be something to consider.

The guests at the wedding are coming to celebrate with you and have a wonderful day. Most of the women will be worrying about their own lumps and bumps and what THEY are wearing. You have chosen an elegant classy dress, will have beautiful hair and make up and will be radiant ( a glass of bubbly before leaving home will help).

ENJOY!!!!! flowers

From reading the comments your mum is making, I wouldn't be surprised to find that you are nowhere near as ugly as you think you are. Your mum seems to have the need to be the pretty one and I'd bet she's been making those awful comments for most of your life.

To your fiance, you are beautiful. I've never shopped for a wedding dress before so I've no idea about it, but the ladies on this thread have some good advice for you. Pamper yourself and build up that self esteem and you'll be fabulous. smile

DontmindifIdo Fri 19-Apr-13 09:43:14

You know what, your mum is a right cow! This is about you, yet she still has to make it about her gorgeousness. I think right now you have to make the decision to stop involving her with your wedding. Demote her to just a guest.

The most important thing to remember is your fiance has asked you not a size 8 version of you, to marry him. He already thinks you are the most amazing woman on the earth, and all that matters is the look he gives you when he turns to watch you walk down the asile - not what anyone else is thinking. I bet he already thinks you are sexy and gorgeous, and you in your wedding dress, hair and makeup will just be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Now - let's focus on that, a dress not to impress your mum, but a dress to make him think "wow I'm a lucky man". (Which I bet he already thinks)

hairtearing Fri 19-Apr-13 11:13:54

Thankyou for all the comments I've calmed down a bit, I do want to loose some weight, not long since had a baby and its the dreaded apron that needs tackling after 2 kids :/.
I never get time though I'm always slaving after the kids,

I think she is trying to help in her odd way, every convo , phonecall its 'have you spoken to * about * to lose weight" which in itself is an ok thing, but it reduces me to my weight and makes me nothing else, If I was to tell her how she made me feel on the fitting she'd be mortified.She will say nice things but I don't believe it for whatever reason. And would be made to feel bridezilla about wanting everything to be about me, I might be I dunno anymore.

A quick question, would a halterneck look good on a busty broadshouldered? some people think it would/wouldn't? I'm unsure I think it has good boob potential and silhouette.
Or is off shoulder the best bet?

hairtearing Fri 19-Apr-13 11:15:20

Sorry double post, I think I'm investing in a good fake tan too.

Startail Fri 19-Apr-13 11:30:27

I have to confess I did wonder what my always large, almost 40 and never pretty friend would look like in her wedding dress.

She looked stunning. Where she managed to find a totally traditional strapless dress that suited her and fitted perfectly I don't know.

She's a farmers daughter still living in the Welsh mountains so local shopping is limited.

Honestly it can be done!

Pollykitten Fri 19-Apr-13 11:38:48

Lacy sleeves and a shorter, very full skirt, kind of 50s style might be nice?

I weighed 18 stone and was a size 26 when I got married. I had a corset bodice with a chiffon scarf tied in the back to cover my upper arms.

The scarf thing got abandoned quite quickly on the day and I love all the photos - because I am happy. It was a great day and everyone was joyful.

Just be yourself and enjoy it.

Googlella Fri 19-Apr-13 12:04:15

I love the off the shoulder one you had a link to. Personally I think that would be more flattering but you could try other styles and see what you think!

DontmindifIdo Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:12

oooh, yes, a 50s style dress would be very nice! That would be also different enough that you won't be drawing comparasions to other brides in your family if you feel self concious about that.

DorcasDelIcatessen Fri 19-Apr-13 12:39:14

At least you won't look like a genie on your wedding day. Don't wear a custom made gold trouser suit when your 8&half months pg. you look ridiculous.

MadBusLady Fri 19-Apr-13 12:42:41

What Fry said. Your mum's NOT trying to be helpful "in her odd way". Not at all. Sounds like your function to her is to make her feel better about herself, and sod what you feel in the process. I'd stop talking to her about the wedding arrangements altogether if I were you, and sort it all out with your fiance and supportive mates. It's not bridezilla to want your wedding day to be somewhat about you. confused

Didactylos Fri 19-Apr-13 12:56:03

Hairtearing I totally sympathise

Im a short and busty 14-16 who was dreading the whole wedding dress thing since long white dresses made me look like a giant (very busty) slug. With fat arms and back cleavage and eczema and old scars and new pimples....

But - I just got married the other day and felt cheery, confident and wonderful - and in the pictures I am just me, still busty, still overweight but in a pretty fitted dress and grinning from ear to ear, and looking so happy and relaxedits infuriating

Advice - sorry but ditch your mum or tell her how you felt at the appointment and see if she can take it on board and be more supportive
I know its meant to be mother daughter bonding and rite of passage etc but if she cant be the supportive person you need for dress fitting and undermines you then its not good for either of you. Theres plenty of other wedding areas you can arrange her help in so not to exclude her

Go for an underwear fitting first eg bravissimo etc and get yourself an oomphy well fitted bridal bra so youre neat and confident for trying on lots of styles then make an appointment at a salon and explain your issue, ask to try sillouettes and ask the fitter what dress they would put you in? I found some really good suggestions (not just strapless a lines) when I did this. There are some amazing dresses with structure and corsetry that gives the shape you want. If you can afford it get the dress made for you. Dont worry about the number or size on it, as long as it fits you

Think different - colour, lace, short styles, halterneck might be good,
Id definitely try halterneck, sweetheart neckline, others have said 1950s which can really flatter curves. I ended up in a tea length 1950s dress, strapless with a cummerbund waist and full lace skirt, and black petticoats and accessories. With a short shrug that had been made for me but looked as though it was part of the dress. Not what I had in mind or set out to look for but it was definately my dress and Mr Didactylos had a tear in his eye when I walked down the aisle and told me I looked wonderful.

Lots of support here - you will look wonderful on the day, honest

musicposy Fri 19-Apr-13 13:42:29

Well done on getting it in perspective a bit.

My DBro and SIL got married last year. SIL is quite big and she had my two girls as bridesmaids. DD1 was 16, skinny as a rake and youthfully pretty in the way lots of girls are at 16. SIL also had her stepsister who was thin and pretty.

On the day, SIL was in no way overshadowed by the bridesmaids. No one was really even looking at the bridesmaids; everyone was admiring her. She looked radiant and lovely and so happy. That's what everyone notices. She looks absolutely beautiful in the photos and size isn't an issue at all. All the guests were saying how lovely she looked and truly meant it - she did. It was only people who were trying to be nice to me who mentioned my girls, as an afterthought!

You have nothing to worry about. Go to the fittings with supportive friends. Your DH will only have eyes for you and your happiness will shine through which will make you look lovely. Enjoy it!

persimmon Fri 19-Apr-13 13:47:23

If it helps, I had a petite friend who got married in a normal summer frock and entered the church by the side door to avoid walking up the aisle as she was so worried about being stared at! Your husband-to-be loves you and will think that you look beautiful. It actually doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I bet you'll love gorgeous if you find the right dress. Does it even have to be a 'traditional wedding dress'?

Kendodd Fri 19-Apr-13 14:00:49

I know it's unconventional but why don't you enter the church WITH you're DP? Walk down the aisle together, after all you'll be there to support each other for the rest of your life's and you need a bit of his support then. He'll be bowled by how you look.

Oh and forget about losing weight for the moment, if you want to lose weight do it for yourself after the wedding, not just for the wedding day to please the crowds.

Kendodd Fri 19-Apr-13 14:10:48

Oh, and if you want your dad to give you away, get him to walk behind the two of you, putting some distance between you and the (in your head) prettier bridesmaids.

Kendodd Fri 19-Apr-13 14:11:46

When are where are you getting married?

I agree with Didactylos about getting a properly fitted bra, it will make so much difference to what you can wear and how you look.

Somewhere on MN are the bra intervention threads. StatisticallyChallenged and her friends are the experts on this smile they may be able to advise you, and the threads in any case have a sizing and fitting guide.

Vijac Fri 19-Apr-13 15:17:41

I have broad shoulders and love halter necks to show them off. Who wants skinny rounded shoulders anyway! You will look beautiful On your wedding day and people will not be judging anyway. Remember that people know it's you getting married, they will not expect you to turn into Cameron Diaz. It is just important that you feel great and look YOUR best. Have a wonderful time. grin

hairtearing Fri 19-Apr-13 18:13:13

early october I'm getting married,

So halterneck a thumbs up ?

I'm going next week with a mate

My SIL is a larger size - probably 24/26 (not entirely sure). She looked absolutely fabulous on her wedding day. It was about 20 years ago, so the pictures look dated now, but one thing that shines out of them is how amazingly happy she looked.

I do know this sounds very cheesy, but it is the happiness/ confidence that makes you look beautiful. Just hold your head high and tell yourself how beautiful you are. You mustn't call yourself ugly! I bet you're not.

And as for "if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed" - that ain't true. Mothers can be the most critical and unsupportive of all people! Just ignore her. Your friends will all think you look beautiful - because you WILL!

hairtearing Fri 19-Apr-13 18:31:18

Its tough with bridal dresses you can often be a bigger size than in normal clothes which does nothing for your SE pfft,

I suppose there is a lot of critical mothers, it hurts to think to yourself your mum would do that though. iyswim?

I hope so I'm quite good at make up so I am doing it myself, just googling some underwear

DublinMammy Fri 19-Apr-13 18:43:33

Gosh your mum sounds mean and tactless, she sounds like my mum, never a nice word for how I look, even on my wedding day, always in ecstasies about how my younger,, size 10 sister looks, also on my wedding day! I was size 18/20 on my wedding day and was so so happy. I had my dress made. I'm not sure about a halter neck, I think they are for people with bony shoulders, I reckon a little more cover, a plunging neckline as well might work. If you can get to London and can afford it, go to Rigby & Peller for a corset. They are AMAZING and so, so lovely to you, I think they get the best out of everyone's shape. Good luck and try not to let your mum upset you.

hairtearing Sun 21-Apr-13 00:08:20

Hi all my dress has arrived, it is halterneck I think it looks nice, it encases the boobs so to speak.

Hopefully I'll look okay, I think weddings are very focused on size and I think anyone bigger will be made to feel uncomfortable, the woman doing my measurements was a bit on blast though hmm I'd have thought it wasn't the most discreet way to behave,
I took some mates with me, although I still get waves of nausea wondering what people really think of me, can't win sad

hairtearing Sun 21-Apr-13 00:09:50

Sorry double post, no nowhere near london although I do need undies.
I was wondering about more cover but often they are 'fat girl' dresses and are very unflattering.

everythingishoney Sun 21-Apr-13 01:48:51

I've been to 2 weddings recently with larger ladies. Both looked absolutely stunning. Pick a beautiful dress, have an amazing hairstyle and wear beautiful jewellery and makeup and you will look fantastic, believe me. One of the weddings I went to the bride had her beautiful long hair in a top bun, all plaited around the bun. She was gorgeous.

I had negative comments about my dress from my parents. They said it wasn't what a wedding dress was supposed to look like. It was a 2-piece, duchess cream satin, long sleeved dress from Ritva Westenius. It was stunning!!!! I remember sitting in the changing room crying because they totally spoilt it for me and a really nice lady popped her head round and said, honestly love, you look fantastic in that dress. It was made for you.
Sniff!

ExRatty Sun 21-Apr-13 02:32:18

I love weddings but I never attend them for fashion. Normally they are fashion free zones with shrugs and satin galore
Anyone even vaguely fashionable looks out of place and is whispered about as "odd"

I've always gone to weddings to wish the couple well and have fun. The food is 90% gopping. The wine is almost always warm or of the cooking variety.
For all future reference Mothers are insane. Mad a snakes around weddings and during wedding planning.

So what if you are fat and tall.
Or short and skinny
So what! My best bet is that you are what you are now and you'd be better embracing that than hating yourself or feeling self conscious
Wear what you like and what you think looks nice and is comfortable

To be brutally honest lots of brides look beyond daft on their wedding day(s) It has nothing to do with height or girth. We all just go a bit dolally. Very crazily stylish people I know would have looked better in onsies than the dresses they wore. My problem was my hair and make up, whilst lovely in the comedically expensive photographs, made me look like it was covering a beard on the day.
I was married twice and looked a fright on BOTH occasions. I wish I had had the confidence to just be me.

Focus on having the most cheesy wedding disco of all time that's the good stuff to remember

lisianthus Sun 21-Apr-13 04:19:44

Please tell your mother how she made you feel. she should feel awful she made you feel that way; it wasn't very nice and she should think twice about doing it again. You are going to be a beautiful bride and your fiance's jaw will drop when he sees you at the altar because he thinks you are gorgeous.

Broad shoulders are GREAT- they mean you are an hourglass and can work the whole va-va-voom thing, and not an apple, which is harder to dress.

And on the bridesmaid thing, my gorgeous sister was my bridesmaid. She was stunning. However, only one person said to me that she "showed me up" and it was such a wankerish thing to say that it was easy to write him off as an idiot from then on. It's such a rude thing to say that it is easier for it to be "water off a duck's back" IYSWIM?

Have a wonderful day!

hairtearing Sun 21-Apr-13 22:31:46

Lisanthus- that is awful, I hope you slapped them did they say it to your face? truth be told I can guarantee someone will say that to me.

Ex ratty, I hope I don't look too daft I'm having soft curls no tiara! and I'm doing my own make up so fingers crossed,

Aw that shopper was nice.

hairtearing Sun 21-Apr-13 22:34:00

If she brings up dresses etc I think I will mention it it may sow a seed, the seamstress was nice but kept mentioning it was a 'bigger dress' 'you need some underwear to do the job'
and a pattern she picked up in my measurements were waaay bigger than my normal dress size and announced it loudly pfft.

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