Too close father/daughter....

(92 Posts)
AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:47:50

Three years ago I met a new man after separating from my partner of 20 years. I welcomed the fact that he was a lone parent of a teenage girl. As the years have gone by however I have become increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. He seems to treat her as a partner, rather than a daughter.

He takes her to the pub with him, (they share wine when at home), lets her dress extremely provocatively and seems proud when men ogle at her. When they are sitting on the sofa together they are draped over each other like a courting couple. She is now 16 and almost too old to rein in now. He has admitted he will never say "no" to anything she wants, allowing her to entertain various boys in her room, let her boyfriend stay over on numerous occasions (on the sofa) when she was 14. I got up early one morning to find said boyfriend in her room, so said it was either him staying over or me!

If I try to protest about her behaviour (I have 5 children of my own so have a lot of experience of parenting) he wont listen and gets angry. I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal", though dont remember any of my friends being like this with their fathers when I was a teen. She gets angry if we go out as a couple and dont invite her, so we have to go to pubs which allow under 18's. He admitted they talk about things when alone that fathers and daughters dont usually discuss - I was afraid to ask what!

Am I right to be concerned or am I just envious of their closeness as I never had it with my own father?

escape Thu 18-Apr-13 20:50:33

I think it's good that you recognise it could be a difference in 'styles' as it's out of your realm of experience, but I don't know of many girls beyond 12 who are 'touchy feel' with Dad, despite being close.
My main concern is that you never go out without her?
That's controlling form her end and weak from his.
Alarm bells.

HeySoulSister Thu 18-Apr-13 20:50:37

concerned? if its normal for them and she's happy then leave them be!!

DearJohnLoveSavannah Thu 18-Apr-13 20:52:17

I got up early one morning to find said boyfriend in her room, so said it was either him staying over or me

Why? How does her boyfriend staying over have any impact on your what so ever?

If I try to protest about her behaviour (I have 5 children of my own so have a lot of experience of parenting) he wont listen and gets angry

You can't tell him how to parent his own child. By doing so you are criticising him.

Yes it does sound a little odd about the stroking of the arms and legs though.

Fairyliz Thu 18-Apr-13 20:55:49

Well all I can say is I have teenage daughters aged 16 and 18 and they definately don't act like this with their dad. I think they would run a mile if he asked them down the pub, not cool at all. I'm with you op it does seem very strange to me, sounds like she is jealous of you relationship with her dad and wants to 'prove' he loves her most.

messalina Thu 18-Apr-13 20:57:23

It doesn't sound like a typical father-daughter relationship but perhaps you need to look at it slightly differently as he is a lone parent and perhaps also doing the sorts of things mothers might do with daughters. Mothers might well be more touchy-feely with their daughters. I think it sounds as if the issue is more to do with his failure to set "normal" boundaries (letting boyfriends stay over when his DD is 14 does sound pretty rare) rather than anything else. Does sound as though she has him twisted round her little finger.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:57:45

She will "allow" us to go out alone if she has somewhere to go herself, but will text him when she gets in and insist on coming to where we are, be it restaurant or pub. He will then ask landlord of pub if she can come in, if not we have to leave. Ive tried to explain nicely to her that adults need time alone together but she still insists on turning up. I have tried to treat her like one of my own, but she is very different from my two daughters. Asked if she would mind if we go out alone once a month or so but this was met with resentment from her.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Apr-13 20:59:35

Are you the poster with the longstanding boyfriend and inappropriate relationship with daughter problem? Them teaming up 'against' you?

If you are uncomfortable with the situation - you have the choice to leave it.

I think it sounds really odd and tbh, I would remove myself from it. I would probably also report my concerns and ask that someone take a look.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:59:53

I felt at 14 they were too young to be having that sort of relationship, am I old fashioned then?

pigsDOfly Thu 18-Apr-13 21:03:46

As a mother I have a very close relationship with both my daughters and will hug and kiss them when we say goodbye but I wouldn't sit entwined with them on the sofa.

In your place I'd feel very uncomfortable and pissed off with the idea that she has always have to come out with you, and therefore has control over where you go and what you do. Doesn't she have any friends of her own?

No you can't tell him how to parent his child, but it all sounds a bit unhealthy to me.

GingerJulep Thu 18-Apr-13 21:04:34

A couple of Christmases ago I fell asleep on the sofa hugging my Dad. I'm in my 30s and married. We're just a huggy family. Who talk about all sorts and still go to the pub together.

Having said that there obviously ARE families where inappropriate things are happening.

On a forum it is really hard to tell what is jealous new gf/odd single parent relationship/combination of the two.

If your bf and his daughter have lived alone for some time though it would be pretty common for their relationship to be closer (in both good and bad ways) than yours with your five.

You see her dressed provocatively and men eying her up and him being proud of that, he probably just sees his baby looking lovely and is proud of his beautiful daughter.

You can't expect his relationship with his daughter to change to suit you, you have the choice to put up with it or leave. Would you allow him to control aspects of your relationship with your children that you were comfortable with because he didn't like it?

HazardLamps Thu 18-Apr-13 21:05:30

Concerned about what?
How he parents is his own affair, it's not your place to comment on how his 16 year old dresses or who stays in his house.

At 16 she is less of a child and more a young woman and it's no longer a case of him "letting" her dress in whatever way she pleases. And, if she's mature enough company to join him in the pub or to chat with over a glass of wine at home that can hardly be a bad thing.

If they've always had a close, touchy-feely relationship I suppose it's inevitable that this will continue as she grows older. It's probably just the way they are.

My only concern would be that you cannot do things with your boyfriend as a couple, without his daughter tagging along, which would be just as irritating to me if she were 16 or 6. I think I'd be asking myself if I wanted to remain with a man who always felt that he had to give in to his princess's demands on that front.

HairyGrotter Thu 18-Apr-13 21:07:18

I wouldn't say it was a 'healthy attachment'. I'm all for being close as parent and child during the teens, but I think they need their space. Yes, parents and teenagers can be 'close' but having this level of interaction and control does not sound healthy.

YANBU in terms of thinking it odd, but not sure I'd step up and say much about it.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:09:40

Thanks for your thoughts - pigsdofly, she has mainly friends that are boys - girls dont take to her as she is nearly always very provocatively dressed as I said, and this seems to alienate her from girls. She will flirt around middle aged men just as she does with boys her own age, this also makes me feel uneasy.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 21:12:14

is that you, boxy ?

everlong Thu 18-Apr-13 21:12:36

Dare I say it but you sound a bit jealous of their relationship.

Portofino Thu 18-Apr-13 21:12:59

I wouldn't bother myself. You can do better.

larks35 Thu 18-Apr-13 21:13:48

It sounds a bit like a father/daughter I know. His daughter moved in with him when she was about 12 I think following problems with her mum and new family. He was a kind of friend of mine and although he welcomed his daughter, he didn't change his pub-based life-style just used to bring her with him. I haven't seen him in years but can imagine this being him (except I think his daughter would be more like 20 by now).

I dunno, my dad used to rub/stroke my shoulders, arms etc. when we chilled on a sofa, I used to rub his feet. We were both tactile people, it wasn't anything more than that.

However, I do think you have the right to ask for a night out with him alone and if he can't do it, dump him. If you have managed to find child-care for your 5, then surely he can leave her either with a friend or alone!

It sounds odd to me. The OP is not weird for being uncomfortable with it. I have known plenty of parents treat their teenage children as mini adults, whether fulfilling a partner role or a co-parent to a younger sibling. It speaks of an inability to meet their own emotional needs in an appropriate manner. I doubt there is a sexual element to this but it sounds like this man has his boundaries all out of whack.

JazzTheDog Thu 18-Apr-13 21:14:40

My teenage stepdaughters are very touchy feeling with DH, cuddling up to him on the sofa, SDD1 in particular always sits with her legs up on his. However, they also give us plenty of space as a couple.

Is the daughter jealous of your relationship with her dad?

He admitted they talk about things when alone that fathers and daughters dont usually discuss

This is concerning. He is treating her as a contemporary and she is not.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:15:21

Thanks for your coments hazardlamps, he wont hold back on commenting how I conduct my life though, surely it works both ways? He has only had sole custody of her since she was 12. If I protest at not being able to go out alone together he gets angry and accuses me of "wanting to be first in his life"! I have 5 kids, I accept Im not first in anything, lol. Have tried to leave the relationship many times, but that little thing called "love" stops me, my only hope is that the "wrongs" in the relationship will kill my feelings eventually...........

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:15:33

Perhaps he is trying to be a mother and a father to her in the only ways he knows. Perhaps she is threatened by you. ..but sounds to me like he is all she has.

Oh. Are you boxy OP?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Apr-13 21:17:18

You love someone who you feel behaves in an inappropriate way with his daughter?

gobbledegook1 Thu 18-Apr-13 21:19:24

Sounds like their just very close to me. Could you be a bit jealous?

Sitting 'entwined' seems a bit odd and OTT but not nessiserily the stroking part. My Dad always stroked me (my back & arms) from being a baby as it soothed and calmed me and its something I've never grown out of loving and would often sit next to him (not 'entwined' though) and get him to stroke my arms even as a young teen as I found it soothing, would even get my mum to do it for me when not spending time with my dad (they were divorced) she would curse my dad for it as it was the bane of her life but he didn't mind doing it. Its now the bane of my DP's life!

She talks to him about stuff parents don't usually talk about doesnt also strike me as that odd just very close, I had quite an open mother and prob spoke to her about a lot of things my peers wouldn't dream of discussing with either of their parents and I hope my son will be able to do the same with me when hes older, would you be as concearned about that comment about if he was her mum or she was a son?

Is the girls mum in the picture as you don't say? If not maybe hes just over compensating.

HazardLamps Thu 18-Apr-13 21:19:40

If he comments on how you parent then hey, it sure as hell works both ways! Maybe you need to make a deal with him, that you won't comment on his parenting if he doesn't comment on yours?

You could of course start taking your elder child with you each time you have a dinner date or trip to the theatre? wink

Portofino Thu 18-Apr-13 21:19:54

You go out for 3 years with someone whose teenage daughter turns up on all your dates, and you love him, even though you think he behaves inappropriately? Dump him and phone SS.

LightAFire Thu 18-Apr-13 21:20:30

Agree with Ginger that on a thread can't really comment on the physical closeness aspect - some families are just like that.

Ehric makes an excellent point re child being treated as an adult too - sounds very plausible.

Agree also though with the (several) posters commenting more on the he isn't allowed to do certain things without her consent. The parenting issue is up to him, but the relationship you have with him is up to you, and here YANBU. You can either discuss it with him and see if you can negotiate a better arrangement, put up with it, or walk out. I guess it depends on how happy you are apart from this issue?

whois Thu 18-Apr-13 21:20:36

I don't think what you've described is bad in itself. My dad and I are pretty tactile, well sit on the sofa holding hands, he used to stroke my leg if I was sitting with my legs curled up. Some families are quite tactile, some aren't.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:21:07

It does sound a little envious. ..is there anything thay really makes you think their relationship is abusive?

Portofino Thu 18-Apr-13 21:21:12

If you have 5 kids I would expect you to know much better.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:21:44

Not Boxy no. Cognitive, she has her mum and family but lives with dad as mum went abroad, though is back now. Im trying to be patient and understand them, and the fact that they have a different relationship to me and my children. Cant help feeling the uneasiness though.......

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:25:07

Why the uneasiness? You need to think about this as objectively as you can...is there something you need to be concerned about or is it just different to your experiences? If you are really worried, perhaps speak to a professional in a abuse charity?

pigsDOfly Thu 18-Apr-13 21:26:58

I think he's BVU. It does sound as if this precocious young woman is jealous of your relationship OP and he's enabling her to have control over the whole situation. That's why their relationship is unhealthy, their lives are too wrapped up together. At 16 she should be separating from her parent and wanting her own life.

And getting angry with you for wanting to have an adult relationship apart from his little princess is, I think, sending you a very strong message I'm afraid.

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:30:02

Cognitive, maybe I am envious, but if so because he treats her as his partner and me as a hanger on. When she is not around he is ok, but soon as she arrives Im pushed to one side. She is rude to me and he doesnt challenge her. I would never let my children be rude to him in the same way. I do wonder if he just keeps me hanging on so he's not lonely when she goes to uni. If I thought for certain their relationship was goint "too far" I would have been long gone, so deep down I dont think I think that. I worry about the way she dresses, that she may give off the wrong vibes and be attacked. Other people in the pub have made comments, so its not just me I suppose.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:31:36

Rereading your post it really sounds as if she is very needy of him. Understandable. But like others habe said...she is 16 and needs more confidence to be independent. Is she lacking in confidence or self esteem?

sunlightonthegrass Thu 18-Apr-13 21:32:23

I lost my mother in my teenage years and yes, it is normal to an extent for a daughter to step into that role - just as boys to single mothers can sometimes be the "man of the house."

However, there is nothing sexual in it, it is just the way things balance out.

To be honest I admire this man for putting his daughter first - my dad certainly didn't when another woman came on the scene.

Your presence can break up that intenseness but I do think at the moment you run the risk of putting her nose out of joint and annoying him, to be blunt, especially if you come at it from the "I have five kids so I know EVERYTHING about being a parent" (I'm not saying you are necessarily but it reads a bit like that on here - sorry!) The truth is, everyone's families are really different and you're not an expert in anybody's child but your own.

LightAFire Thu 18-Apr-13 21:32:41

It's good that you don't really think there is anything dodgy going on - but it concerns me that you feel he just wants you for when she is gone and you are still putting up with this. I think you deserve better!

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:33:00

God no, she has endless amounts of confidence, loves being the centre of attention, insists on it infact, lol.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:33:11

It sounds like possibly they are scared of losing each other...small steps...if she is going to uni that will help broaden her horizons.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:33:52

If she is so confident. ..why so needy?

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:34:52

Sometimes seekong attention is due to insecurity rather than confidence.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 18-Apr-13 21:35:22

OP it's funny isn't it...my DHs best friend in the world has a 16 year old daughter and I've always felt uncomfortable around them because they drape on one another...but I realise that other cultures (they're not British) do things differently....we're uptight in the UK....some people from the UK are less so...is it possible they're just not what you're used to?

sunlightonthegrass Thu 18-Apr-13 21:36:07

And you know, as for this "discussing things fathers and daughter wouldn't usually discuss" - who decides that, I wonder? Who decides that you ONLY discuss personal and/or sexual matters with the parent who is the same sex as you? What if you don't have that in your household, if you have only one parent or are the opposite sex to a same-sex couple?

If he is comfortable and so is she I just don't see the problem - I have had to bring up stuff like that with my dad as my mum wasn't there and I had no grandmothers or aunts or sisters I could do the "girl talk" with. Sorry if that makes people uneasy but I'm certainly not going to change a close relationship with my only surviving family member because it elicits disquiet.

Lottashakingoinon Thu 18-Apr-13 21:36:39

God no, she has endless amounts of confidence, loves being the centre of attention, insists on it infact, lol.

Hmm these words of yours ring alarm bells...this sounds (sorry) a bit bitchy and in any case loving being the centre of attention can just as often signal lack of self esteem/confidence rather than too much of it.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:36:49

Dressing provocatively could be interpreted as seekong acceptance. ..

sunlightonthegrass Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:00

Or, dressing provocatively could just be because she's a teenage girl, she's (probably!) got a slim attractive figure and all her mates wear the same?

AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:23

Sunlightonthegrass, I dont feel I know everything, far from it, thats why Im on here! I have told him many times I dont mind coming 2nd, think the problem may be he takes that too literally, lol. Ive stuck with them because I dont believe in bailing out without trying to sort things. Im from a broken home myself, and have a step mother who I appreciate very much. Thanks everyone for your comments and help. Watch this space!

LittleBairn Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:27

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man that is controlled by his teenage daughter. This lack of back bone would kill any sexual desire I had for him.

It seems that their boundaries got muddled up along the way and he treats her like she is best mate/ girlfriend.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:41

Ok...to me I dont obviously know her...but she sounds insecure plus she is 16...insecurity is common at that age. You sound insecure in your relationship too. Therefore you are clashing. ..is that possible?

sunlightonthegrass Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:00

Anna - no, I am sure you don't, honestly! smile I was just wondering if that was how it came across?

Quite truthfully yes, he has got his boundaries blurred, he has given her freedom beyond that which she should have at this age and has treated her as an equal. That can be a very coveted role and she clearly is reluctant to give it up.

However, while I think his parenting is too lax, permissive and lazy, really, I don't think some of the observations made - about what they discuss, about the wine and about the physical touching - are fair. Separate what the REAL issues are here from the ones that aren't really an issue but you don't like, if you see what I mean!

Maryz Thu 18-Apr-13 21:44:25

Oh dear.

pigletmania Thu 18-Apr-13 22:26:38

The situation sounds odd op, don't think ter is much ou can do

Lovecat Thu 18-Apr-13 22:33:27

I worry about the way she dresses, that she may give off the wrong vibes and be attacked.

You sound nice hmm

How she dresses is none of your affair and I'm quite disturbed that you place so much emphasis on it in your posts.

As for your comment that you don't believe in bailing out without trying to 'sort things', you've been in this relationship for 3 years and it doesn't seem like your partner has any intention of changing his ways. Without getting into the rights and wrongs of it, I'm wondering if your obvious disapproval of his daughter has backfired on you and far from 'sorting' it hmm has strengthened their united front?

ShellyBoobs Thu 18-Apr-13 22:51:17

I'm sorry but your having 5 children doesn't mean you know more about parenting properly than he does.

5318008 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:24:51

horrible to refer to 'broken homes' ugh vile old fashioned phrase

duffybeatmetoit Fri 19-Apr-13 00:07:46

So her mum went abroad when she was 12 and you came on the scene a year later? I would imagine that she must have worried about her father abandoning her too, which wouldn't have been helped by your disapproval of her. No wonder she had been trying to get confirmation that her dad loved her and wouldn't leave her. Equally if he appreciates her feelings he is bound to want to make her feel secure.

Once she has left home (and you may be looking potentially at another ten years or more away) no doubt he would be in a position to prioritise you more. It is already causing friction between you and from what you have written my guess would be that this will keep corroding your relationship until one of you calls it quits.

textfan Fri 19-Apr-13 01:40:48

Look up "covert incest" there's also a daughter/father version of Oedipus complex I forget name

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 19-Apr-13 01:50:28

YY Duffy.

OP, what do you see as the future for your relationship. Moving in together?

2rebecca Fri 19-Apr-13 05:23:10

As she is now 16 I think it's inappropriate for her parents to be deciding how she dresses, they can refuse to fund certain clothes but16 is viewed as an adult here in Scotland. The intertwining sounds odd at 16 but not pathological, it is odd if he never hugs you on the sofa but only his daughter though. Now she is 16 it's odd he won't leave her alone in the house if he goes out with you, especially if he considers her mature enough to have boyfriends sleep over. I wouldn't let my 16 year old have girls sleeping over, the fewer teenage pregnancies the better.
It doesn't sound as though he's very committed to you and you sound very different so i'd back off from the relationship rather than try and tell him how to parent his daughter and look for someone more like minded.

2rebecca Fri 19-Apr-13 05:34:57

I don't see anything wrong with letting a 16 year old have a glass of wine or beer at home, I'd consider it normal to introduce drinking alcohol in moderation as part of a meal at that age. In England 16 and 17 year olds can drink alcohol in licensed premises with a meal if it's bought by an adult and they are with an adult. In Scotland theoretically 16 and 17 year olds can buy their own alcohol to drink with a meal in licensed premises but in practice few Scottish pubs would serve them. Now my oldest is 16 I will check the landlord is happy with it before buying him a small beer or allowing him a glass of wine with his meal in pubs or restaurants.
Never being "allowed" to go out as a couple without her is odd at 16 but if he won't tackle that then you're as well backing off.

AnnaClaudia Fri 19-Apr-13 11:59:54

Lovecat, if you saw how she dresses you'd know what I mean and why Im concerned. I dont just mean short skirts - I accept that's how young girls like to dress. I mean the tiniest of shorts (not leaving anything to the imagination at all), worn with massive high heels and very low tops, which she wears even in the cold weather. She only has friends that are boys, and of course, they love it! I get concerned that when she is coming home alone at night she will attract unwelcome attention.

iclaudius Fri 19-Apr-13 12:02:46

I'd be worried for the daughter

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Apr-13 12:04:47

hmm

AnnaClaudia Fri 19-Apr-13 12:08:32

I do worry, that's the point. He seems perfectly at ease with it all and laughs it off.

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 12:29:03

My DH and Dc sit "entwined" on the sofa, ie legs draped, but probably only because it is more comfortable to put your feet up and there is not enough room unless you entwine.

I can understand why his DD wants to monopolise her DF attention although that does not make it right. The style of clothing and BF sleeping over are his parenting decisions to make though, and you need to leave him to it there.

The real problem, as others have said, is the fact that he feels it is acceptable to put DD first ALL THE TIME. Yes of course she should be number 1, but there is a distinct lack of respect for your feelings and needs.

It is probably a pattern that they have fallen into, but if he won't listen to your concerns about whether it is actually healthy to let her be in complete control of his life, that is worrying. How do you come across, when you broach your wish to spend some time alone without her always joining you? Do you come across as me,me,me whining and moaning or does he refuse to have a calm and reasoned discussion?

Think about how you communicate generally about this and other aspects of your relationship. Is it only this issue he is unreasonable about? If it is only this issue, then you need to accept it without any more comments and move on or decide if it is a deal breaker. If he's disrespectful of you more generally, then you have more to think about and you need to decide if the relationship is worth it.

Your parenting styles and standards being different is not the problem, not respecting you and NEVER putting you first, is.

LightAFire Fri 19-Apr-13 12:32:42

Yy shewhowines

fromparistoberlin Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:23

Look its a bit unusual, but main fact is YOU dont feel comfy with it

TBH you have no say on their relationship, so if you cant handle it I think you need to split up with him

It does sound odd, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it

Idocrazythings Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:58

Just another perspective- I grew up with a single parent and it was only when I turned about 16 that I actually understood why my mum would want another relationship; I truly did not have the mauturity to understand why she needed anyone else when she had me? Maybe his daughter is a little like that too?

My mum always put me first, too, and never really sat me down and explained about relationships; she just wanted me to be happy even if she wasn't

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 12:44:30

Hmm.

It does sound like she is being competitive for his love and wants to be first, and also make it clear to you that she is first.

I can't say I'd like it much, and I think the resentment might eventually end things for you.

Idocrazythings has a point- maybe she doesn't realise that adults can have relationships that are not a threat to how much they love their kids.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 13:05:17

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

This

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 19-Apr-13 13:30:56

I can see why it would make you feel uncomfortable.

If her mother technically abandoned her at 12 to move abroad and all her friends are male she probably has problems trusting women.

Have you ever tried doing something one on one with her. If you developed a good relationship with her and she learnt to trust you then she be more easy going about you and her dad going out alone.

I was the same at her age with regards to dress and wanting to be the centre of attention but I had incredibly low self esteem and was really self destructive.

She probably feels rejected by her mother the one person who's supposed to love you no matter what so is clinging to her dad.

I would hate feeling second best or not a priority but you will either have to hope things are better when she leaves home or end the relationship.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 16:42:26

I would like to add that I think it's awful that her Mum went to live abroad without her. What a massive rejection.

It might explain her toxic behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

Squitten Fri 19-Apr-13 18:08:31

To be perfectly honest, I think you are directing your criticism at the wrong person.

How he chooses to raise his daughter is not your business and, whilst you may have concerns or not agree with it, unless you think he's abusing her or something then it's not in your remit.

The stuff about the not being able to go out on your own, however, is your problem. But be angry at HIM, not her. He is the one who is allowing it to happen when he doesn't have to and, evidently, he is being very clear in telling you how things are. If you don't like it, end the relationship, because he is evidently very happy with how things are and has no intentions of changing them.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 19-Apr-13 19:12:32

OP
I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

shock It is 100% NORMAL, My Dad and I still do this and I am I my forties. There is nothing weird about it. It's sweet.

I think it lovely that your DP and his DD have a close relationship. I would let them get on with it and wouldn't worry about it. Your DP probably has a better chance of being able to parent his daughter by being close to her rather than being a removed authoritarian Dad.

My own Dad has literally never told me off or dissaproved of anything I have done. I would chat about anything with him as a teenager and I still would.

I find your disapproval of their relationship a bit mean.

pigsDOfly Fri 19-Apr-13 19:18:05

Just looked up 'covert incest' as Textfan advised you OP. If you haven't already done so you really should look it up. Sounds as if your OH and his DD are very close to being in this situation. If it rings bells with you she is the victim here and needs your help. Tbh it sounds like you need to get out of this toxic situation.

Well I go to the pub with my dad, we link arms, he tickles my feet, we speak at least six times a day. He's wonderful with my dd.
A devoted grandfather and father. He wouldn't let teenage boys stay over when I was younger, nor was I allowed to dress provocatively.

I'm 23 now.

DeskPlanner Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:53

Two posters have mentioned it. Can anyone tell me who Boxy is please ?

squoosh Fri 19-Apr-13 21:01:05

I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

Some people seem shocked that you don't regard this is normal. I know all families are different but this doesn't sound like my normal. It doesn't sound like the normal of anyone I know either, fathers and adult daughters entwined on the couch. Really?

I think their relationship sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest.

LittleYellowBall Fri 19-Apr-13 21:11:31

Seems odd that you love someone who treats you as a second class citizen.

Sounds a bit like my neighbour and her daughter, when daughter was that age. Dont know about the hugging, though, but mum would take dd out with her to the pub. (single mum)

Daughter was treated more like a friend than a child. The girl is now 19, took a gap year from uni to photograph animals in Thailand, as part of her fashion, photography and design degree. She is funding her stay by working as the assistant manager in a pub.

They seemed so close it was almost like it was unhealthy, but in fact daughter has grown up to be very confident, and smart about things. She is doing very well.

There are different parenting styles. The problem I see, however is how the two of them treat you. I would not stand for that, and not want to be the third wheel on the wagon with my dp.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13

"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

My DD1 does this. With her oldest brothers. Flirts with their friends (who are in their twenties and treat her with indulgent slight humour), pushes in if they're round.

My youngest sits on my oldest's knee ALL THE TIME when he's home. And he strokes her hair.

Context is everything. I am not in the least worried.

But if you don't like it then you have the choice to leave.

candyandyoga Sat 20-Apr-13 20:15:07

Add message | Report | Message poster AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13
"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

...,,,
So true - listen to anyfucker. We should not be giving this op any advice as she never takes it!

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 20-Apr-13 20:48:17

candy- we don't know that this OP is Boxy.

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:02:50

Totally agree little bairn. It does seem that boundaries arr blurred, its the dads job to act like a parent and not the girls mate

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:07:24

Or boyfriend,, this situation does not sound right, the dad sounds like he is taking advantage of the girls nievity and vulnerability

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:13:30

Sorry op i think i would get out if this relationship, he has no backbone to rein in his dd behaviour and does not respect you

Maryz Sun 21-Apr-13 01:11:26

I'm amazed this thread is still here.

I agree with AnyFucker (as usual)

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 01:55:37

ditch this bloke. love or no love, if he's too close to his daughter, what does that make you? his accomplice? not his partner - that's the one he raised for himself. no. leave/sack him/do whatever you have to do to get rid of him. never mind him and the daughter, its unhealthy for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now