Am I going mad or is DP being unreasonable?

(56 Posts)
Discolite Thu 18-Apr-13 10:58:39

Monday - drove off after having put my handbag on the roof of the car. He told me the handbag was on the roof whilst I was putting the baby in the carseat, funnily enough my attention was elsewhere and I didn't hear him. Loss of handbag, 2x carkeys, bank cards, driving license (with address on obv), housekeys. Vague apology made for totally ruining my day with stress and worry. Yes, a mistake but things like this happen all the time due to his carelessness and lack of common sense.

Yesterday - I placed an order with an online company to the tune of £250. It is in his name as I don't have a bank card. However, I discovered half way through the transaction that you can pay by paypal so the money that paid for the items is mine. Today they ring up whilst I was in bed after a bad night with the baby. DP takes the call. The order needs to be changed, he says "That's fine" even though he knew it took me weeks of researching to decide on these items and doesn't get me, or say I'll ring them back. He is now angry with me for being angry with him. Apparently if he'd woken me up I would've been unreasonable so he didn't. Doesn't take the point that he could have got me to ring them back.

Final straw today - I find he's washed the cat's blanket (pretty minging actually, excuse is a 5 week old baby) with baby clothes on a 15 minute 30 degree wash. Now the clothes are covered in cat hair and in my opinion, diritier than when they went in. When I point this out, he is angry with me as all I do is criticise him....ARGH.

So, AIBU in being pretty fed up at the moment?

BeyondLivid Thu 18-Apr-13 11:00:05

I think you were being very unreasonable, he was just trying to help. You also sound very tired.

gordyslovesheep Thu 18-Apr-13 11:01:05

honestly - you sound tired and fed up but I think you are being unreasonable - it's not all his fault is it?

dopeysheep Thu 18-Apr-13 11:05:02

Cat blanket is his fault that's just plain silly.
Agreeing to the order change also his fault he should have checked with you. Is it sorted out?
Handbag is prob both at fault as I guess you put it there but he saw it and didn't move it?
The getting angry with you is because he knows he is being a bit of a plank. Also you are both probably knackered and stressed so everything seems amplified.

Bejeena Thu 18-Apr-13 11:06:55

For the life of me I really cannot understand how you driving off with your handbag on the roof of your car can be his fault. How did he ruin your day with his carelessness? If I understand you put the handbag on there is that right?

The online order - I don't know he'd have been damned if he did and damned if he didn't wake you up probably. Plus you can call them now and change it I'm sure.

The washing - totally sympathise. I hate it when mine does washing as he puts the wrong things in and doesn't use common sense. But when I pull him up on it of course he says all I do is criticise and that he was only trying to help and he wonders why he bothers.

innermuddle Thu 18-Apr-13 11:09:30

I would be really cross about washing baby clothes (or any clothes) with a cat blanket.
The handbag on car was confusing- who put the bag on the car & who drove off? not sure he is responsible for your bag.
The phone call, that was a bit silly of him. But he was trying to let you sleep? so not sure who is unreasonable there.
You did sound stressed & tired- not surprising with a tiny baby. Maybe try to do something nice for yourself to help you calm down. Then tell your DH (calmly) how he could really help you, it does sound as if he is trying.

badguider Thu 18-Apr-13 11:10:24

I would be mad if my DH put my handbag on the roof. I very deliberately NEVER put anything on the roof so that I don't go drive off with it up there (as we've got a tall car and it's above my natural eyeline).
I would tell him this. And he'd probaby remember and conceed it was daft.

The other things can be remedied relatively easily - but i'd have your DH remedy them both, not you.

Discolite Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:05

He put the handbag on the car roof, told me (i didn't hear for reasons explained above) and then he drove the car off without checking I'd taken the handbag.

currentbuns Thu 18-Apr-13 11:13:07

Who put the handbag on the roof?

currentbuns Thu 18-Apr-13 11:14:26

Oh, I see. Well in that case I would be annoyed, too. Although technically it is probably a misunderstanding.

innermuddle Thu 18-Apr-13 11:15:10

Oh, that makes more sense discolite. Hmmm that is annoying. Are you both up in the night with the baby? We have a 3 month old, send when we have both lost sleep more mistakes are made. Perhaps you both need a break?

Bejeena Thu 18-Apr-13 11:16:01

Ah right that is a different story then on the handbag YANBU.

I'd also get him to fix the baby clothes and cat blanket. He probably also has to change the order too.

I'd say take a deep breath and put your feet up sounds like you need it.

Discolite Thu 18-Apr-13 11:22:38

Thank you for your opinions everyone.

We are both tired but unfortunately he has been making mistakes like this since i met him. I can cope with them normally but the handbag really really really annoyed me...he lost his own wallet last week, fine, his problem. He left his computer in a car he sold, fine, his problem. He messes up tickets for plane travel/train travel, fine his problem. But we'd be much better off financially as a couple if he didn't have to keep paying for his careless mistakes.

Yes, he is only trying to help, and most of the time he is brilliant. But sometimes he just makes my life so much harder than it need be. My decision to have a baby with him, so I'll have to suck it up as a personality quirk but it drives me absolutely mad....

Crinkle77 Thu 18-Apr-13 11:31:05

Sorry but YABU especially about the handbag. Why should he be responsible for your hand bag? The order change thing is annoying but he was being considerate by not wanting to wake you. It sounds to me like you are constantly nit picking at him. When the people from the company rang about the order he said he did not want to wake you for fear of upsetting you. He probably feels that he can't do right for doing wrong

starfield Thu 18-Apr-13 11:57:41

YNBU but your anger will get you nowhere.

I understand exactly how you're feeling. You feel like you're the only responsible adult, like he's not as outcome driven and not respecting or appreciating the work you're putting in. I suspect that you're exhausted and feel entitled to him completely changing his tune. Little things are becoming the last straw. You want to get this right, you want to be pulling together. I don't blame you because I felt the same.

Your partner's on another planet, though. I'm not excusing his careless
behaviour, I'm just saying that he doesn't get the vision and doesn't understand why everything he's doing isn't good enough. Instead of digging deeper and showing you the commitment you need emotionally, he's withdrawing in exasperation. You need to try and reset this.

Take a step back. Apologise for how you've been (because constant criticism does deserve an apology no matter how provoked you were). Ask him if you can start again, together this time.

If you possibly can, take a break, either together or alone. You need a break from the situation to get some perspective. You're both stressed and tired and I think you would see things for what they were - quite honest and well-intentioned mistakes - if you could only get a rest.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 18-Apr-13 12:08:50

God almighty he sounds like a nightmare. Totally irresponsible and careless.

I would be fuming about the handbag, and the cat blanket being washed with the baby clothes.

Does he do stupid things like this at work?

MrsSpagBol Thu 18-Apr-13 12:12:25

I think what Starfield said is the best advice.

NatashaBee Thu 18-Apr-13 12:16:01

He does sound very disorganised, especially as you say he's made some other costly mistakes in the past. I wouldn't be happy either - but it sounds like you're both tired and frazzled at the moment and could do with getting some more rest.

I think I might be your husband blush I do stuff like that.

However, I am very well-meaning!

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 18-Apr-13 12:37:37

Gosh, you're both tired at the moment so that makes everything feel worse. The handbag thing is ridiculous - I don't know why he didn't have a quick check before you set off. The online order - a hassle you don't need but can probably be rectified easily enough. The cat blanket - a bit stupid but could be forgiven given the tiredness. However, you need to make sure that it's his job to sort out these messes and that you don't end up picking up the slack...

To be honest, I couldn't be with someone like this. These incidents sound like part of a much bigger problem. Why does he make mistakes like this? Unless its part of a medical condition or something similar, it's as though he can't be bothered to get things right - and the last thing you need with a new baby is an extra man child to look after. It must be tremendously frustrating, not being able to rely on him to book tickets, organise any part of your life - why should you facilitate this for him? I'm sorry if this sounds unkind - after all, he's the person you've chosen to be with. I just can't help thinking you're missing out on someone else who could be an equal partner in your relationship, rather than being with someone who relies on you to be his carer/general picker upper after the latest disaster.

diddl Thu 18-Apr-13 12:49:20

Why did he put your handbag on the roof of the car rather than in it??

And a cat blanket in with clothes-just stupid!

But then if he has always been like this...

curryeater Thu 18-Apr-13 12:58:09

yanbu. I used to go out with someone like this and it drove me nuts. He had dyspraxia and some other issues so I tried to re-programme my thinking and be kinder and more forgiving, but I just couldn't get over my sense that I was always having to work harder, and lose money and time sorting stuff out that shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you ltb, but I think you need to find ways to separate his problems from yours. You can only do so to a certain extent within a relationship, but for instance: handbag. Don't let him have it. He will leave it somewhere stupid. Laundry: when he messes it up, make him do it again. If necessary, have a secret stash of clean baby clothes he doesn't know about so when you have to dress the baby, you are not held hostage to his crap laundry. Your order: make him phone them back and revoke the approval of the changes, and ask them to call you to clarify how to proceed at a certain time that suits you. Your computer, phone, keys, cheque book, etc - don't let him anywhere near them and when he loses his stuff, don't lend him yours, just refuse to do it.

You need to do all the above very calmly and pleasantly so that he cannot resent your manner at the same time as he is already resenting not being able to casually use your resources to sort his mess out. this is easier said than done.

for instance, don't let this conversation happen:

him "I need to go out, can I take your keys?"
you "where are yours?"
him "I don't know, I can't find them, can I just take yours?"
you (impatiently) "well what will happen when I need to go out and we can't find my keys either because you have had them?"
him "why are you always so horrible to me?"

Instead have this conversation:

him "I need to go out, can I take your keys?"
you (charmingly) "no, I need to keep them on me, I am going out in a sec"
him "Oh go on I can't find my keys"
you (voice dripping with love) "Oh dear. well, they must be around somewhere." then you change the subject

THERhubarb Thu 18-Apr-13 13:03:08

I don't like threads like this really, they turn into a character assignation of a man we don't know and who can't defend himself.

I get that the OP needs to rant and blimey, I've been there myself having to pick up from other people's mistakes, but I think posting here means that you will get plenty of posters who will take great delight in informing you what an arse you've married, which will make you feel shit and even angrier.

It's not a personality 'quirk' it's just the way he is, it's his character and no doubt you found it endearing when you fell in love with him, but once kids come along you expect him to suddenly change to Mr Organisation and that just isn't going to happen. It will, in time, but look at it this way. You had 9 months of having to get to appointments, remembering notes, furious reading of baby books, plenty of advice from other mums, etc so by the time the baby was born, you were already much more prepared than he was. Plus if you are the primary carer then your organisational skills are excelling due to intensive 24/7 training.

Yet I bet that even with all that preparation and full on training, you have made mistakes yourself. I remember forgetting that I was shopping with a baby and I left her at the cheese aisle after wandering off. I also used to always, always, always forget to bring a change of baby clothes with me so when their arses exploded, I had no spare clothes for them. No-one chided me however and I had to learn from my mistakes as he will.

You are both getting used to the idea of being parents still (trust me, it takes a lifetime and you still don't get used to it) and the harder you try sometimes, the more mistakes you make.

He will learn from these mistakes but you also need to learn to go easy on him too. He is only trying after all. He thought he was doing you a favour by washing the baby's clothes along with the cat blanket. Likewise with the order, he was probably terrified of waking you in case you bit his head off. The handbag - well he thought he had done well in telling you so really, you were both at fault there.

Please don't tear him apart on this thread. I'm sure he's not completely useless and those mistakes sound like the ones I used to make many moons ago and probably still do. None of us are perfect. You are both tired and stressed and you probably do millions of little things that get on his nerves too. Imagine if you came across a similar post about yourself on Dadsnet!

I get your need to rant but you also need to put it into perspective and ignore those who tell you how useless he is, they aren't perfect either. Give it time and it WILL get easier, I promise.

everlong Thu 18-Apr-13 13:04:34

The cat blanket in with baby clothes would make me rage.

The bag incident would annoy me too and I would have probably said '' why didn't you just pass me the damn bag '

The other thing I can sort of understand.

curryeater Thu 18-Apr-13 13:07:04

therhubarb has a point but I still think that the op (and anyone in her situation) needs to find ways of making his disorganisation his problem and not hers, and while it is always good and constructive to be nice to the person you are living with, it is also a helpful and necessary thing to find strategies to help their shortcomings affect you less, which can mean appealing to the collective wisdom of the hairy handed truckers of the internet.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Apr-13 13:09:52

What?
Putting a handbag on the roof of a car and putting a cat blanket in with baby clothes can only be excused by a medical condition

I am sane, sensible and generally fabulous. I have posted car keys, left my purse on a airplane, bought tickets or a play and then tried to attend a whole week late....

Can we not put everyday dumb stuff - of which we are all occasionally capable - into the realms of medical conditions.

HeathRobinson Thu 18-Apr-13 13:10:03

The cat blanket with the baby clothes makes me think of the sort of people who make such a bad job of something, that they're never expected to do it again.

JustinBsMum Thu 18-Apr-13 13:12:22

I heard on a radio prog (so no link) that to clean clothes hygienically they need to be washed at 40 degrees, eg for nickers, so cat blanket should prob be 40 degrees or washed on its own, def not with baby clothes.

THERhubarb Thu 18-Apr-13 13:16:25

Well yes but you also have to put it all into perspective. Things that you would normally cope with become massive problems once you have kids and these mistakes will be more common as their attention is focused elsewhere so I do think they need to give each other a bit of leeway.

That's my advice for what it's worth. If you go on at him he'll just feel like a failure and will be disinclined to help, which will also affect you negatively.

He put the cat blanket in with the baby clothes so let him deal with the fallout. Same with the handbag, he didn't check that you had removed it from the roof of the car so he should do all the phoning and lend you his cards (although I also think you were both distracted at the time and it was just one of those things which happens when your attention is elsewhere). He took the phone call (again, I understand why he didn't wake you) so you calmly explain to him why the order is so important and ask him to deal with it.

He is neither stupid or irresponsible or careless. He's just distracted and is trying too hard.

HeathRobinson Thu 18-Apr-13 13:19:16

But his reaction is strange about the washing - why anger? Why not, oh yeah, that didn't work, I'll wash the clothes again.

THERhubarb Thu 18-Apr-13 13:30:10

I bet now he'll be condemned as a potential violent thug because he showed some anger.

Yeah well when I'm constantly criticised I tend to get a little angry too. It hurts when you are trying your best and it just all goes tits up. He was probably just as angry with himself for screwing up yet again.

This is what I mean, if you constantly have a go at him then he'll merely give up and leave you to it. Yes you might do it all right and your own way then but you end up doing all the organising and he just goes along with it all.

I think they both need a bit of a breather.

chris481 Thu 18-Apr-13 13:34:14

The car/bag thing is totally his fault. He's responsible for the bag until someone else has taken it. I try to anticipate my own future memory/concentration failures by not putting things where forgetting about them will caused a problem.

The phone call thing might be understandable if he's really afraid of waking OP, but only if his understanding about the importance of the right item is a bit shaky.

The washing thing sounds like something I'd easily do. I would hope for a DW who would gently point out washing needs doing again. TBH I probably wouldn't have washed anything without explicit prompting in the first place, so he's more "helpful" than me.

lemonstartree Thu 18-Apr-13 13:43:37

YABU, critical, and frankly nasty, You sound very tired but that's not his fault is it ? try to be nice, it will help you no end

mmmerangue Thu 18-Apr-13 13:51:55

YANBU, but he is NBU either.

You have a 5 week old baby. You are tired, stressed, baby-brained parents.

You could cut him some slack, but, you are not going mad either.

The order thing would have annoyed me - he should have asked them to call back later to speak to you. The other two, just man things IMO. Their brains work differently. My DP could easily have done both of those.

Breathe Deep, forgive, try to forget.

Most importantly try and get a little time for yourselves both together and apart.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Apr-13 14:01:25

I bet with a 5 week old baby you are both pretty shattered please don't fight, cut each other some slack and rant here by all means.

That said, a cat blanket with baby clothes...

skippedtheripeoldmango Thu 18-Apr-13 14:07:08

He's always been like this...sound like you're going to have to find ways to minimise how this affects you without getting annoyed because he's obviously not going to change.

YANBU but you are unfortunately probably going to have to fix the problem by yourself.

Incidentally, is he like this at his job?

diddl Thu 18-Apr-13 14:08:29

"Just man things"-OMG!!

Putting a bag on a car roof & a cat blanket in a wash with clothes!

There are (imo) lacking common sense things!

Are women born knowing not to do these things then, or just common sense tells us not to??

Blu Thu 18-Apr-13 14:11:56

You sound v tired and stressed, and he was an eejit.

Why haven't you got a bank card?

LessMissAbs Thu 18-Apr-13 14:16:49

I thought you were being a bit of a brat until I read the ongoing history so YANBU. Putting someone's property on the roof of a car as they are just about to drive off is just plain stupid.

My DH is a bit like that, except he is prone to disappearing at unexpected times. e.g. once we were driving across Europe to get a pre-booked car ferry from Calais. We stopped in a town for him to get a cashline and he disappeared for 4 1/2 hours!

Then another time, we met up with a friend of mine and arranged to all go for coffee together, he was on his bike, carrying my rucksack, and decided to go on ahead, taking my phone, wallet and house keys with him. I didn't find him again for another 3 hours, as he had decided we were going to a certain place, and while it certainly wasn't the one we had in mind, we had no idea where it was!

Or the time when I went into a garden centre to buy some potted plants and he waited outside in the car. Or so I thought. I trailed round that car park for nearly an hour looking for him, it was a windy day and by the time I finally found him (he had "moved to a better spot"), I literally looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and all the plant pots were smashed.

So I do know where you're coming from!

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 18-Apr-13 14:17:19

I'm surprised at how many people are defending this man! Ok, so the three individual incidents cited here are hardly hanging offences, but the point is, he's always like this, tired or not! Yes, new baby, give each other some slack. Both parents are bound to be tired and emotional, grumpy and forgetful - but the poor OP if it was bad anyway and now she has to deal with forgetful, incompetent man X2 and a new baby. Any sane person would be at breaking point.

Why should the OP be negatively impacted in terms of her time and finances as her DP just can't be bothered to do things properly? It's not hard to book the correct train tickets or whatever, to remember to take your belongings out of your car before you sell it - who forgets a computer?! Clearly, no one is infallible but this all seems too regular.

OP - how does your DP manage at work?

diddl Thu 18-Apr-13 14:20:48

Well this is the thing isn't it-what OP could tolerate before she now can't due to tiredness & the demands of a newborn.

Perhaps if he has to sort out his mistakes he'll make less.

I do wonder how these people manage a work though without someone to pick up for them if necessary...

Discolite Thu 18-Apr-13 14:28:47

Just to respond to a few of the things I've skim read - I didn't have a bank card as it was in the handbag that was lost. I don't expect him to take care of my handbag ordinarily but it was hanging over the handlebar of the pushchair, which he was putting in the car whilst I put the baby in the car seat.

Anyway, we've made up and I regret posting on here as it's not fair on him as he doesn't get a right of reply. He is a very bright individual but has issues with common sense concepts. I put it up with it because the good things about him far outweigh the bad things and he is ace. Just a prat. Nice to hear that other people have similar experiences. As for anger - just because some displays anger doesn't mean they are violent. I get angry sometimes and I don't get violent.

And is he like this at his job? He's freelance which is probably a good thing given his personality tendencies.

Right, I'm off to try and forget about this thread

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 18-Apr-13 14:29:44

therhubarb - are you the OP's DP?! Your posts come across as completely sexist! The OP isn't the only one who's had 9 months to get used to the idea of having a baby. Just because she's female doesn't mean she has an innate ability to do all baby-related things any more easily than her DP!

He may be 'trying' as you put it, but obviously not hard enough and the OP is left to deal with the fallout from whatever his latest half hearted attempt at something might be. How's that fair?! Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but there shouldn't be so many that they're detrimental to the financial well being of your partner and new born child.

maddening Thu 18-Apr-13 14:32:53

I think he is responsible for the handbag - or at least more responsible than op - as he put it on the roof - he should have ensured that the op knew it was there by way of acquiring a positive response from the op as he could see that she was dealing with something else. Until she confirmed that yes, thank you, the handbag is on the roof he remains responsible for it.

TigerSwallowtail Thu 18-Apr-13 14:34:55

Cat blanket was a daft move on his part but you were being unreasonable in the other two situations sorry. You have a 5 week old baby so are both probably quite exhausted, start afresh, forget what's happened, put your feet up (if possible) and gaze at your lovely little baby together smile.

TigerSwallowtail Thu 18-Apr-13 14:36:36

Oh wait I've just realised he was the one that put the handbag on the roof - he was unreasonable there.

THERhubarb Thu 18-Apr-13 15:08:46

Yeah I am Wibblypig, sure I am. Whatever you say.
It's called having a different opinion and I'm sorry but as sexist as this sounds, men can't actually carry a baby in their womb for nine months or give birth so it stands to reason that the woman has to make more preparations than the man because she is the one who is ultimately having the baby. Unless I'm mistaken, the man doesn't have to think about disposable knickers, sanitary pads, breast pads, etc.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Apr-13 15:28:38

It's not a man thing but not is it an "OMG how can the OP put up with this <wail>"

He is a bit shit at some stuff. The op is tired. They have a new baby and are both a bit shell shocked. They will sort it out.
The op probably wishes she hadn't posted.

THERhubarb Thu 18-Apr-13 15:31:08

Probably Pagwatch.

I get she wanted to vent, we all need a bit of that but Mumsnet of late is a bit too keen on tearing people apart and making the OP feel even shitter by telling her what a useless inconsiderable idiot she's married to.

She isn't. They are both, as you say, tired and shell shocked. I doubt either are thinking straight and that's when you make those silly mistakes.

Yes he might be like this all the time but tiredness won't help and I'm sure he is painfully aware of his shortcomings.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 18-Apr-13 15:41:20

Well, the man could if he wanted to be involved enough therhubarb - my DH has been to all of my hospital appointments - both with DD and my current pregnancy. We prepared for the arrival of DD together and will do the same for baby two. I could trust him to buy the brand of breast pads I like if I had to - because we're a partnership and the fact he can't physically carry a child doesn't excuse him from being fully and actively involved in our children's lives. It's also important to me to know that if something dreadful were to happen to me, my children would be brought up by a coper and not someone who chose to opt out of everyday family tasks 'because he's a man' and thus seemingly not equipped to do them...

Anyway, back to the thread...

OP - I wish you luck but don't take on the burden of being your family's chief organiser. There are two adults in your relationship and both you and your DP need to be able to rely on one another. You're understandably tired and emotional now but only you can decide if this is the kind of life you want. I wish you luck.

Pagwatch Thu 18-Apr-13 15:42:26

Yes. Exactly THERhubarb !

Rockinhippy Thu 18-Apr-13 15:44:00

There's another like my DHshock

I can't add anything to the very good advice starfield has already given - it will all seem far more bearable when you are less exhausted, those early months are extremely hard on both of you, but will be much easier if you can reset & work together more.

FTR mine is the same, over 13yr later a lot better than he was - but still on another planet half of the time, but you know what, he has so many good qualities that make up for that, that I wouldn't swap him for the world wink

Pagwatch Thu 18-Apr-13 15:44:46

My DH is a fucking awesome father who couldn't have told you what breast pads I needed if his life had depended on it.

mmmerangue Thu 18-Apr-13 15:56:27

Oops, seem to have started a fight with the words 'man things'.

but I mean the same as 'on another planet...'

Men are from mars women are from venus etc..

Man carry their lives in their pockets, so if one inadvertently forgets to double check a handbag, it's not like he is used to having to remember one.

My DP can work the washing machine but he will wash his dirty workwear with other practically clean black stuff, which then gives it a funny smell...

He also never properly washes cutlery, which gets on my tits, but he gets annoyed that I don't know how the car works (as long as it does I don't care!) so, y'know, it all evens out.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 18-Apr-13 15:58:20

Each to their own I guess!

It's not a man thing. Dh would not have done any of that, plus he can wash up cutlery and his shirts. I however struggle with all of those things! Hope things are looking brighter op...

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