To wish my mother would STFU

(33 Posts)
DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 02:07:00

I am pregnant with my third baby. I have a four year old from a previous relationship, and an 18 month old son with my partner. We are very happy about this pregnancy.

However, much as I love my dear mum, She keeps making random fucking comments and its starting to annoy and embarrass me.

First example being at the hospital for my early scan at epau, commenting loudly on the way out about how these grandchildren are getting far too expensive as this will be number five (my brother has a dd and one due next month). I was mortified. She should know better. I wouldn't have minded in private in a jokey manner, but in front of a room of women potentially waiting to be told they won't even have a baby?

Second example, various comments about number of children.

Third, similar to the first, I told my ex partner about the pregnancy, as my daughter can't hold her own piss being a typical 4 year old, and she knew as I had to take her for an appointment. My mum went to fetch dd (and told me this herself? Why she thinks I'd find it funny I don't know) and ex-ps parents said 'oh we hear congratulations are in order' and she proceeded to say 'oh I know, number five (including brothers two) I feel ancient, I've told her she needs to stop it' and made other comments I can't recall as I tuned out.

Aibu to want to point out that epau is not the place to make those comments, that I am one of three and to stop being a hypocrite. Is it really such a shock that at least two (youngest bro is only 17 so too young yet) of your children may have a similar number of children that you did?

That the 'expense' is not something I expect and have even suggested she not - she means Christmas - which I don't even celebrate. I celebrate new year, and we have presents then. She is welcome to avoid inflated prices by shopping in the sales and joining our celebrations (she hates Christmas!).

And lastly that ex-p parents were probably gob smacked. Exs mother is Jehovah's witness, his dad is very family orientated. They won't have expected that and I am mortified. She doesn't even like them, so why the need to go on like that I don't know, just accept their congratulations, they were being nice!

Sorry for the long list, I just need to know if I'm being overly sensitive - I wouldn't mind the odd joke, but its starting to get constant and its really making me feel awkward.

ripsishere Thu 18-Apr-13 02:13:21

No, YANBU.
Is there a reason she went along with you to the appointment? I'd leave her at home in future.

DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 02:20:31

Because I left my partner at home with our son (son had a vomiting bug) and I didn't want to go alone.

I wished I had after that I am red just thinking about it.

The highlight was 'another Christmas present for me to buy then' at the start, loudly. wtf? Don't then! I couldn't give a rats tiny arse about Christmas!

DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 02:23:22

Thing is, she had a miscarriage and had insensitive comments. She didn't like it! She knows I didn't appreciate certain comments when I had my ectopic (that's why I have early scans, it was very serious as I didn't know I was pregnant and it ruptured and I bled internally) so wtf.

ripsishere Thu 18-Apr-13 02:34:49

That is tricky. I think I'd be inclined to leave my DS with her and take my DP if there is another occasion.
She sounds very self obsessed TBH.

DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 03:00:23

I only left him with oh because of the bug he had being contagious. I took him with me today and OH.

Its the hypocrisy of it mostly that's annoying me. I will have three children - the same as she did. Even the age gaps would be the same if her mc had been successful.

You should have heard her when I said I want 4 eventually. Fuck me you'd think I'd kicked a puppy or something.

God I feel better getting this off my chest.

Wish the ridiculous wind would stop so I could sleep!

TheRealFellatio Thu 18-Apr-13 04:13:55

I think you are definitely being over-sensitive. Without a doubt.

She is just wittering and trying to make jokes. I doubt there is anything in it, but if there is, it might be because:

she feels you are having your children too close together

she is concerned that you cannot really afford them

she is concerned that you are too young (hence the comments about her feeling made to feel ancient)

she is concerned that after splitting with one of the fathers you have not waited a sufficient amount of time before having children with another boyfriend.

2048 Thu 18-Apr-13 06:12:29

Thank you The...
Treasure your Mum while she is here, and don't tell her to STFU. So disrespectful.

SkinnyLove Thu 18-Apr-13 06:22:06

She is PROUD about it, its a total badge of honour amongst the fogies..."how many grandkids you got, Irene? Oooh im on my ninth" etc.

Roll your eyes and forget about it.

My mum annoys me immenseley at antenatal cos everything she says is prefaced with "when I was training" and I can see medical staff grit their teeth haha.

2048 - wishing someone would STFU is very different from actually telling them too.

DizzyZebra - I'm afraid you either have to grit your teeth and bear it, speak to her calmly about it when you're own, or counter it with smile and a comment like "Just following in your footsteps Mum! grin " I'd probably go for the third, if she is just wittering on and is actually very proud, she'll be quite happy with that, if not, it'll make her pause.

Congratulations!

yellowhousewithareddoor Thu 18-Apr-13 06:33:46

Its wittering. She's just making conversation. I'd be pleased you have her nearby and she wants to come to the scan with you. From her actions she is supporting you even if she is concerned for you as a parent. 'oh yes I've got to buy 100'0presents at xmas can be a stealth boast too -look at me, all these grandkids. I feel ancient may be how she's feeling and stopping it is often just social conversation or joke people make. I often say,'oh yes I've had 2, not again!' but its just part of social banter with people I'm not close to1 actual discussions about family size are with those very close.

The joking about presents is just conversation. She isn't really going to worry you're pregnant due to a fiver here and there I doubt.

Are you anxious about it yourself? Is some of it your worries?

It does sound that you feel quite strongly hostile towards someone showing you practical support.

Whatdoiknowanyway Thu 18-Apr-13 06:49:20

Why are you taking anyone with you to antenatal appointments anyway? Just go on your own. I'm probably an old fogy myself but I really don't understand all the accompanying to appointments which seems routine these days.

BeckAndCall Thu 18-Apr-13 07:06:40

I can understand how irritating you find it OP but unless its part of a wider issue you have with her, just let it go. My mum has always made exactly the same kind of comments - in public and to our faces.

She has 9 grandchildren and is always saying how expensive Christmas is. They're all older now and she's moved onto how expensive it is to buy presents for the boyfriends and girlfriends too! It's just something they say to make conversation. I don't like it either but it is what it is.

TreeLuLa Thu 18-Apr-13 07:15:36

I was going to say Dizzy THANK YOU for thinking of others in the EPAU.

I have had some horrible experiences there and these have often been compounded by the sorts of comments I have heard from other women when they have found out that they ARE pg.

fluffyraggies Thu 18-Apr-13 07:16:30

whatdoiknow - thankfully most antenatal appointments are routine check ups which go well. However sometimes, particularly with scan appointments, all does not go well and you can be given devastating news. It's happened to me, and if i'd been alone for that appointment i don't know how i'd have coped.

HollyBerryBush Thu 18-Apr-13 07:16:33

It's inverted pride, quite self effacing. a sort of smug 'look-at-me' I've got 5 grand children thing.

Dressinggrown Thu 18-Apr-13 07:19:04

Hormones?? Although she does sound slightly irritating

Bearcrumble Thu 18-Apr-13 07:25:17

I can see it is irritating. I can imagine feeling as you do but perhaps you are giving her too much power - the power to piss you off.

Her words can't do anything to you if you just laugh at her (maybe roll your eyes a bit) and disengage.

Hissy Thu 18-Apr-13 07:32:26

Tell her that you don't welcome her snippy comments.

She isn't being proud, she's being nasty, jealous and cruel. She had her life, and now she's begrudging you your's.

As for Treasure Her comments. When she doesn't treasure the family and last remaining years SHE has, why should anyone else?

Families don't get a special pass to be nasty to their DC/GC. They should be held to a higher standard, not lower.

OP, if I were you I'd be distancing myself from her, and telling her that if she doesn't want to by anything for her DC/GC, she's under no obligation to do so, and that if she can't be nice to you and your family, then to stay away until she can be.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Apr-13 07:41:50

My mother is equallly self absorbed and really wouldn't have thought anything of saying loud comments about how my pregnancy would effect her, even if surrounded by woman miscarrying. Does your mum make everything about her and focus solely on how events effect her?

If so, my only advice is to reduce contact. It's usualy easier to struggle through on your own without their help than have to manage their feelings and think about how they will react to your news, so do things on your own rather than include her in knowing htey are happening.

FWIW, it sounds like she's decided that the appropriate number of DCs you should have is 2. That might be based on finding having 3 hard work, but she can't get her head round you making a decision that is against what she's decided for you would be best.

You might also be getting this because you've got one boy and one girl and she's decided/told people you've completed your family because you've got one of each.

IME parents only like this realise they don't get a say when you don't involve them. Harsh, but works. That or you put up with it.

SkinnyLove Thu 18-Apr-13 11:15:23

I took my mum to appointments when my husband couldnt make it - we knew this was going to be our last baby and wanted to share. my mum found it an honour....it made her happy.

However she is v controlling and very very PA - I am reducing contact a bit as she seems to feel that offering support is in effect buying a share in all the other areas of our lives. Dont be beholden to anybody.

gotthemoononastick Thu 18-Apr-13 11:41:35

I witter away too and the more nervous I get about what I am allowed to say ,the more I put my foot into it.

DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 13:04:53

Fellatio - She's never said any of that before.

2048 - offs, I didn't say I would, I said I wish she would.

Yellow - not anxious at all. And I'm not hostile about support.

Whatdoiknow - Well, the first time I had anything to do with epau I nearly died. What's hard to understand about that or the fact it might scare the living Jesus out of me? I go to later ones alone.

Don'tmind - she does have a bit of a tendency.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Apr-13 13:21:13

Then you can't rely on her for any sort of emotional support -it's hard to realise, but I found when I had a miscarriage last year that if finally hit me, my mum really wanted me to help her with the trauma of her DD having a miscarriage, not to actually help me. Oh, in her head she wanted to help me, but she just can't do that, she's not capable of making things about someone else, not how it effects her. She just needs to be the one things effect.

People like that just don't get it. They get how other people's actions and behaviours effect them but don't think through what they say/do could negatively effect others - then if they do upset others, it becomes about how they are being 'got at' for saying the wrong thing, and you end up appologising for upsetting them because you pointed out they upset you.

If you think of it that way, then it becomes easier, because you know you will have to offer them support but not get it back. Cutting them out of events where you'll need support means at least you aren't having to deal with them and your own trauma. I would also try to limit times you rely on her for help, even if it's just picking up DD for other things that on the face of it aren't a big deal.

DizzyZebra Thu 18-Apr-13 14:03:31

I do tend to be leniant . more than I would with anyone else because in all other areas we get on great, its just the things she makes about her.

Like when I went to pick dd up by myself. She had a right go, accusing me of being 'in a rage' (over text, she hadn't even spoken to me inperson)
And refused to have 'anything to do with it because she can't cope with the stress'. There was no stress. I was going to pick dd up.

She is convinced I have aspergers, which I don't, I have something else - part of which is believed to be caused by your upbringing etc, which I think she doesnt want to accept. She bangs on about my behaviour as a teen but can't see how she influenced that everyone else can!

If I say anything though I just get 'everything she does' thrown in my face but the reality is I don't ask for these thongs. She picks dd up for me but I'd happily do this - I just CBA with the drama from her.

I have three times in my children's lives asked her to watch one of my children - once when I mixed up the dates for a concert I wanted to see and booked thinking I didn't have dd, once when I went to have my son, and once when she offered so I could go to see lady gaga - but I could have made other arrangements.

I love her I really do I just can't take being spoken to like she does sometimes.

PrivateNightmare Thu 18-Apr-13 14:20:50

she sounds annoying. she also sounds like she might have some of her own issues. the thing is - you can't change her behaviour, sadly, much as you might like to. i think the only thing you can do is try to ignore her as best you can.

Hissy Thu 18-Apr-13 20:21:46

"I love her I really do I just can't take being spoken to like she does sometimes."

You love the her you wish she was.

You feel that you HAVE to love her, or the end of the world will befall you.

My love, your mother is NOT a good one. You need Stately Homes (thread in Relationships) until you realise that this was not YOUR fault and that you HAVE been treated in a poorer manner than you were entitled to be.

please look after yourself, be truthful with yourself, be strong and NEVER accept to be spoken to like that by ANYONE.

TheRealFellatio Thu 18-Apr-13 20:58:09

Blimey Hissy, that's a bit of an extreme diagnosis. confused

Hissy Thu 18-Apr-13 21:24:11

Read the OP's posts Fellatio, the clues are all there. smile

TheRealFellatio Fri 19-Apr-13 05:40:07

I did hissy and I disagree with you based on what she's said so far. But then I am always reluctant to automatically believe anyone who labels anyone else a toxic narc unless I know them both personally and can see both sides of the story - because there are always two sides.

I know someone who is pathologically incapable of seeing anything from anyone's POV but his own, and yet he thinks everyone else is the villain and he is the victim - because they occasionally refuse to dance to his tune, and will call him on unacceptable behaviour or stupid choices. But if he was telling his story here, now, he'd be very plausible, and his family would all be the baddies. hmm

How old are you, OP and how old is your mother? What's the 'something else' that you have?

And I don't really understand this at all:

Like when I went to pick dd up by myself. She had a right go, accusing me of being 'in a rage' (over text, she hadn't even spoken to me inperson)
And refused to have 'anything to do with it because she can't cope with the stress'. There was no stress. I was going to pick dd up.

MummytoKatie Fri 19-Apr-13 09:33:28

I think generally these are ignorable comments but, having spent far too much time in the EPAU there is a definite etiquette about how you should behave. (Don't say a word, stare into space, don't catch anyone's eye, try not to have hysterics in the waiting room.)

Discussing loudly the cost of presents for an unborn baby is definitely not acceptable!

When I went there was a family with a young child (12 - 18 months I'd say). I understand that sometimes you can't get childcare so have to bring your child but there was pregnant woman, her mum, her dad and then her sister turned up! Every eye in the waiting room was on this (really really adorable) child. I couldn't work out why one of them didn't take her to the cafe for half an hour or so.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Apr-13 09:58:40

That wouldve annoyed me too.it makes it sound like she resents buying them for christmas!my mother moans about the cost of christmas as she has five grandkids but only one of them is mine and i always say dont get him loads of things just get him one thoughtful thing as he is very fortunate to get toys like he does but she doesnt listen and gets stressed!yeah you need to tell her without swearing lol that what she says really does get to you because otherwise you will push her away for annoying you!

LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Apr-13 10:08:36

Hissy-why are you being so horrible about someones elses mother ?are you trying to spread hatred in peoples families or offer support and advice?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now