Husband and a colleague

(322 Posts)
appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 20:52:57

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

TheSecondComing Wed 17-Apr-13 20:54:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimstar Wed 17-Apr-13 20:56:00

No, I wouldn't like this either. Female friends that were already established before the relationship, that doesn't bother me too much, but no this I wouldn't like. I'm not too keen when DH is out with a group that includes female colleagues, even though I obviously don't say anything.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 20:57:44

Hes a social person I suppose and says he does not see the difference between male and female. The weird thing is I do trust him but its the whole emotional affair thing.

BriansBrain Wed 17-Apr-13 20:58:03

Why do they need to go out in the evening, what can't they discuss during the day?

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:00:09

I think YABU. Men are perfectly capable of having platonic relationships with the opposite sex (as are women). If you trust your husband as you say, then the only thing you could have issue with is him going out while you're stuck at home. In which case talk to him and arrange a time for you to go out while he has the dcs.

If your issue is the fact he's out having dinner with a woman then you do not trust him as you say you do.

Thing33 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:00:17

He's taking another woman out for dinner and drinks? No I would not be happy with that. DH would never even consider this ok to do. I can't understand why this woman thinks it would be ok to do, is she married?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:00:49

I wish I new!

seriouscakeeater Wed 17-Apr-13 21:01:28

No, I would like this. YANBU. When are they going? In fact I would tell my DH not to take the fucking piss. Is the colleague a boss? What would they be discussing? work or just socialising?

KLou111 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:01:47

Would he have dinner with a male colleague?
Not sure I would be happy with this tbh and I totally trust my dh 100%

Gossipmonster Wed 17-Apr-13 21:02:16

I can totally see where you are at and wouldn't like it either.

BUT I been the "colleague" with a married guy who I did not fancy at all (nor he me) we were just really really good friends.

His wife HATED it and was very jealous and possessive about it (we used to go for lunch sometimes).

It made me quite sad as when he left it was very difficult to stay in touch (we still are 6 yrs on).

Corygal Wed 17-Apr-13 21:03:09

I wouldn't fancy it and I am not the jealous type. The road to trouble is paved with good intentions and all that.

Next time he books it, fix a babysitter and go too.

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:03:19

Ok looking at everyone elses response maybe IABU and not you op. I don't see the problem with it.

Wishiwasanheiress Wed 17-Apr-13 21:03:23

If the tables were turned and u met a dad for coffee and play dates would he say "it's fine ur friends?"

If the answers yes, truly yes, ill eat my lovely Treacy hat.

MaeMobley Wed 17-Apr-13 21:03:29

DH does this too. I am not 100% happy but feel like an untrusting idiot to say so.

He has never given me any cause for concern but I do feel uneasy.

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:04:42

Does she have a partner? My gut feeling is I wouldn't be happy about it, you're right - it does feel like a date. Why can't he invite her for dinner at your home if he's determined to be sociable with her, then you can get to know her too and you're not left at home feeling resentful.

MaeMobley Wed 17-Apr-13 21:05:31

I am friends with the female colleagues on FB and have met them in real life.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 17-Apr-13 21:06:25

i wouldn't be happy - be the colleague male or female! what's wrong with lunchtime!

i hate how my dh arranges things in the evening because it's just assumed i will be home with the kids. and he does the whole 'well you could too' but when I organise something it is always a rigmarole finding a date he isn't working/travelling/already out and then he gets shitty and tells me to arrange the babysitter but that's not the point!

if he then used his evenings to socialise with people he is with all day and i am stuck on my own i would be really annoyed. in this situation i would be tempted to say 'tell you what, let's arrange the babysitter and you can take me out instead'

MunchMunch Wed 17-Apr-13 21:07:00

Are they going out while they talk shop?

If not, yanbu. I know people say if it was a man he was with you wouldn't bat an eyelid but sometimes I think it has a grass being greener onthe other side type of effect even if it doesn't start that way. No interuptions from kids, no having to listen how different/awful/stressful your day was instead being able to talk about the job or having a laugh at a relaxed pace.

Its also unfair on you, regardless of friends gender, as you've been home and would probably like to have time with your dh

NonnoMum Wed 17-Apr-13 21:07:06

Totally unacceptable.

He needs to man up and get home and give you a break rather than discussing the wine list with a colleague...

MrsWolowitz Wed 17-Apr-13 21:07:47

I wouldn't like this.

A very good friend of mine is male and we go out for meals and srinks etc but we have been friends since we were 14 and DH knows him and they are friends too. Also friend lives away so when he comes here to visit we like to see each other a lot. DH is very happy with this.

However I doubt DH would be happy if I suddenly wanted to start having dinner and drinks with a new guy from work.

I'd not be happy either if it were him. YANBU.

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:03

WishIWasAnHeiress is right - if you met a SAHD at a playgroup and hit it off with him, then you announced to your DH that the pair of you were going out for dinner one night, would he be ok with it?

My arse he would.

Khaleese Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:41

No way! she would be welcome to meet us both but that's the line.

I have male friends but they are from long before "us"

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:46

No I would not be happy for my husband to go out for an evening meal with a female Co worker he'd just become friends with. It's an inappropriate thing to do and also unnecessary. With a group, fine. Why go for a cosy dinner for 2? I wouldn't give a shit if that made me unreasonable.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:49

Really, truly? It's not okay to go out for drinks with a friend/colleague of the opposite sex? Both DH and I have numerous friends we've met through work who we see socially, without the other. In fact DH is seeing one of them tomorrow night - hadn't occurred to me to worry! Maybe I should...

Seriously, this wouldn't be an issue if you trusted him, would it? It's nice to go out, to chat to other people. Doesn't mean an affair is on the cards. Don't you have male friends you see sometimes?

Or am I being hopelessly naïve?

HazardLamps Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:51

I'm in agreement with IsThatTrue. There's no reason why a man and a woman, married or not, can't just be friends. I agree too that if you have an issue with being stuck at home with the children you need to address this and arrange to spend some time with friends of your own, male or female.

PenelopePortrait Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:02

If I'm honest ( and please don't shoot me), it would depend how old she was and what she looked like.

I would not be happy if with this and would say so. However, if she was older ( a lot) , fat (sorry but true) or a lesbian, I would be OK with it.

This does not put me in a very good light or DP come to that but it's how I feel - and expect to get flamed.

carlywurly Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:19

If its just the two of them, no, I wouldn't be comfortable unless I knew her well.

4 years ago I didn't feel this way and was happy that xh had female friends. Xh has since married the colleague. hmm

seriouscakeeater Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:33

My DH wouldn't even ask either... if there is a Spare few hours or quid it would be us both going out for drinks and a meal.

I have many good friend that are male and we keep in touch but we don't go out for coffee/lunch any more unless there is a few of us. There is only room for one woman in DH ..me!

seriouscakeeater Wed 17-Apr-13 21:10:29

'' in DH life, I mean ''

Mimstar Wed 17-Apr-13 21:10:32

Ha ha I'm exactly the same Penelope!

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:11:50

Someone said why not lunch - but why is lunchtime different? Just wondering.

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:07

YANBU

People will come on and say you can't trust him etc etc but I have heard of too many people who were happily married and trusted their spouses and got cheated on when their partner started socialising with someone from work in that kind of setting. Just read around the relationship forums and the research done on affairs to see that they often start this way and trusting him or not is not going to stop the risk of them developing feelings for one another happening.

Of course not every man who socialises with another woman is going to cheat, of course men and women can just be friends but it is not a risk I would want to take. Too much of a date setting for my liking and too much chance of developing intimate feelings.

My husband would never think it is appropriate anyway.

IMO, it doesn't even matter what other people think, you are entitled to your feelings and he should respect them. I would be gutted if my DH knew I was really uneasy with something and went ahead anyway when there is no need to go out for a meal with another woman in the first place.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:12

I'm with IsThatTrue

If there's 100% trust then there's no issue is there? Or shouldn't be. It puzzles me that a lot of opinions are that because it's a member of the opposite sex, then there's a VERY REAL (seemingly) chance it will lead to something. That's extremely cynical.

If he's that way inclined then it'll happen regardless.

Charlesroi Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:18

I've been out for beers and a bite to eat lots of times with male colleagues,and not one of them has expressed any interest in anything other than talking about work, talking about family, getting pissed and telling rique jokes.

Don't worry.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:43

She is married as well with children - I do trust he wont do anything physical - but is the difference in marriage just sex or is there more emotions involved, if not, whats the point at all?
I know hes already been chatting about our kids ect with her in a harmless friendly way but like I said where to you draw the line - I think if I kept on having dinner dates with male colleagues in the end I might end up falling for them as I am a romantic as is he? ( O and I do get out with my friends and we have a babysitter - so it is just this situation I am asking about

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:59

Meant to add that I agree that it's two way street regarding both of you having dinner/nights out with friends/colleagues

TapirsTickleMeYoni Wed 17-Apr-13 21:14:28

Dh and I both have male and female friends who we socialise with, both together and separately.

Dh has worked away, and ended up in a flatshare with a female colleague - it didn't worry me tbh.

I think it very much depends on your partner, and how much trust you have in them.

Mimstar Wed 17-Apr-13 21:14:28

I wouldn't see lunch as different LightTheLamp in fact when my now DH was just my boyfriend of 5 months. He went for lunch with an ex girlfriend and I was pissed off. Partly because he had lied, I only found out because my best friend's Dad who is a policeman was doing sniper training in the building opposite and saw him, told my best friend who told me. I let him off because he was 18, but still...I was furious.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:07

lunchtime is part of the working day, dinnertime is eating into couple time

that feeling of being stuck at home all day and then on your own until dh gets back from socialising can be pretty awful.

it's fine with non-work friends but my dh spends more time with his colleagues than me as it is so i appreciate him minimising the 'out of hours' socialising with them

bottleofbeer Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:25

Hard one. I have lots of male friends I'd see alone for lunch or drinks, drinks in the evening even but there seems something a bit too intimate about dinner.

PuppyMonkey Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:47

I'd probably be wondering about the woman's intentions tbh, even if I trusted my partner. I have lots of male friends at work, we've been out as a group together along with female colleagues etc. I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario where I'd go out for a meal with just one of the male colleagues while his wife looked after their kids. I just can't.

Floggingmolly Wed 17-Apr-13 21:16:12

Meeting for lunch is a whole different ball game to going for drinks and dinner in the evening, while op stays home with the kids, Gossip.
If they're that friendly; why doesn't he just invite her round?

takeaway2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:16:40

Because lunch is during the normal work time (assuming you work the normal 9-5 periods). I wouldn't want dh to go for 'dinner' with one other female unless that female is a super mega old friend from the past but then what's wrong with coming to ours?

I hardly have dinner out due to young kids, no family around, babysitters cost a lot etc and if I did it would not go down well at all if I told dh it was to meet some new bloke at work. If it was a work thing, group of colleagues or meeting clients etc then fine.

Alternatively if I was away at a conference and had to have dinner and there was another colleague there who was male then that's fine too. It's a circumstance thing. And frankly if I didn't really like the person (like as opposed to dislike, not fancy!) I would just order room service!

Ionasky Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:00

Weird isn't it, I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't think twice about dh going out with 1 male friend. Maybe we are a bit old fashioned. I suppose it would feel like he's choosing time with another woman over time with you?

Arisbottle Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:14

I have a make colleague that I work with closely , we go out for coffee , drinks or evening meal quite a few times. My DH would never object.

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:53

Because lunchtime seems less date like. Going out for dinner generally involves soft lights, wine flowing and gazing into eachother's eyes across the table, mentally undressing one another whilst planning going home for a good shag when you've finished eating so on.

(Sorry OP, just joking there but I think the differences are obvious).

everlong Wed 17-Apr-13 21:18:56

Does he go out for meals with his other friends?

Just seems a bit odd.

DH has a few female friends with the same hobby as him ( in a big group ) I have no problem with that. But would feel weird if he wanted to go out for a meal with a female colleague.

QuacksForDoughnuts Wed 17-Apr-13 21:19:39

You may or may not BU here. Keep your powder dry until you know more would be my advice. The first sign that something might be wrong is if they explicitly try to exclude you from the friendship - for example, if you suggest she come to dinner with both of you at home and his response is shock horror. It's probably a harmless friendship that is starting to move beyond the office setting, but now would be the time to discuss things with your husband - are there any boundaries that would make you happier about the situation? (e.g. her not having priority over his time/energy/use of money, not becoming a reason to check out of his relationship with you/children at various points...)

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:20:39

Like I say what is the definition of a relationship? If its just sex and childcare then he could pay for those without me?

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:21:24

It would be a cause for concern if he was meeting someone while telling you he was doing something else. But he's being upfront.

Again, I'm wondering if I'm being naïve. Coming clean: I trust DH. But I'm not sure I trust myself. I have a particular colleague who I meet up with one-to-one from time to time (sometimes lunch, sometimes evening). Yes, I quite fancy him. But in a 'hmm, if we were both single...' kind of way. We get on well, and talk about loads of stuff. (He's married with kids, as I am.) But there's no suggestion of being 'more' than friends. Still, I wonder a bit about the whole thing.

AuntieStella Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:12

When did he last take you out?

Arisbottle Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:30

Male colleague sorry

ComposHat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:34

Oh good grief - is it really not okay out with a friend of the opposite sex?

Am I really so trusting that I think there is almost certainly nothing going on here?

If he was whisking this woman out with nefarious intentions do you really think he'd have told the OP the truth? He'd have used the 'working late/drink with a male friend' excuse.

If in a relationship the other partner tried to start telling me who I could and couldn't be friends with on the grounds of gender or telling me what harmless activities I was 'allowed' to do with them. I'd start considering the relationship, rather than the friendship.

NumericalMum Wed 17-Apr-13 21:22:38

I think a drink is probably ok but dinner... In my experience dinner alone with a colleague of the opposite sex is rarely about work... Even if nothing happens there is a high chance that they both wish it would. I do agree about trust being key but in my experience if there was no reason to worry he wouldn't want to go out with her when he could be home with you...

BornInACrossFireHurricane Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:04

I would object. I feel slightly stupid saying that as of course men and women can just be friends, but that is how I feel.

DH would feel the same as me, for what it's worth

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:47

Well if we just trust people then there isn't a problem, right?

I mean, everyone who got cheated on knew their partner wasn't trustworthy? it doesn't work that way unfortunately.

I will trust someone but doesn't mean I don't accept that they are human and meeting a woman for a meal and drinks just might cross some lines I am not comfortable with and ups the risks of them becoming closer and turning into an emotional affair at least.

The trust line always makes me laugh. I don't know anyone who was cheated on who didn't trust their spouse 100% not to. I trust, but I am also not going to pretend that socialising in an intimate setting in the evening with a new friend might develop into something more.

This link is eye opening

www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

Soupa Wed 17-Apr-13 21:23:55

If you don't get to go out it sucks, if you do have the chance but don't go that is your call.

It wouldn't be an issue here, dh has a few good female friends who he sees outside of work. I have a couple of male friends who I go for dinners and drinks with. It's a non issue here, one of my male friends became a best buddy of dh too and I like his female friends too.

We do trust each other, Tbh if I couldn't trust him properly then he wouldn't be worth having.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:24:39

He has had female friends in the past and I have been ok with it - he even moved in with one when he had nowhere to live as students but I new her and dident see her as a threat. Some how this has got to me.

MsVestibule Wed 17-Apr-13 21:25:28

My general rule would be that I could tolerate female friends he had before we met - they've had their chance at romance, and presumably didn't go for it because they didn't fancy each other.

However, I wouldn't like him to develop new friendships with women. Feelings can develop unintentionally, and the more time you spend with them, the more chance there is of those feelings developing.

I'm not a bunny boiler - my DH travels on business, often with female colleagues and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do trust him 99.9%, but I'm realistic enough read too many Take A Breaks to know that so many women wail "But I trusted him 100% and he ran off with my best friend."

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:25:30

lightthelamp at least I'm not alone I was starting to think I was being completely mental.

But my DH goes out with friends both male and female, in groups or alone, for lunch/dinner and its never occurred to me to be bothered. And the situation has been reversed and he's happy for me to do the same. Maybe I am just naive? even though XH left me for a friend who he spent time alone with without me batting an eyelid, if they're gunna do it they're gunna do it and you're better off without them

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:27:35

Hang on, you're saying he's the romantic type like yourself, and you feel you'd end up falling for someone when put into intimate situations with them? I think it's definitely muddying the waters tbh. Presumably her DP is fully aware of it all? Why not have the two of them round for dinner and get to know them both?

Is he going to pay for her?

Why can he not take you, and her and her husband out?

Why is he not keen to get a babysitter and take YOU out?

I would be very hurt if my husband pulled such a stunt.

Thing33 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:30:20

I agree that the dinner aspect makes it seem more intimate and date like. Mind you if DH said he was going for lunches with a female colleague I doubt I'd be best pleased about that either. smile

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:31:14

But isn't the point that surely one day wether you anticipate it or not there will somehow be an opportunity? If they are trustworthy they won't take it. Obviously this could mean you don't trust them from the off just in case, but is that how people want to live? Maybe being an optimist helps. Ill trust people until they do something that breaks that trust, not the other way around.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:32:16

I understand what you're saying Samu and yes, my "trust" line didn't really reflect what I was trying to convey.

I struggle with the concept of that if someone is in a particular "setting" shall we say (like the restaurant in an evening) then the chances are heightened somehow. And not only that, but the suggestion seems to be that if we "let" them be in the company of the opposite sex too much then xyz may happen. Yes, it may but if that's the road to be gone down then we'd (general) never let them out the house lest they bumped into someone who stirred their loins and they acted upon it.

I'm still along the lines of "if it's going to happen then it will regardless of time of day or setting etc"

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:33:41

Hes not being open about just half open he said he was going out on a different night out then he usually does and I just jokingly said who with and he said a female colleague and keeps on saying all the women at his work look like the back end of a bus - she not quite the back end of a bus - quite normal looking ive found out- Question = would he go out with the 60 year old one he used to work with - shes single and nice? he then tried to say others might be there but then she rang and cancelled and he didn't go out?

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:34:09

ComposHat - yes, there's nothing going on at the moment, they are colleagues who have bonded and who want to get to know eachother better. However, the concern is how it develops. As pps have said, no-one is happily married to their spouse whilst simultaneously thinking they're an untrustworthy specimen who is likely to do the dirty on them given half the chance.

I dunno, maybe I'm cynical.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 21:36:16

For me it would depend entirely on the other person involved. It is perfectly possible to have and opposite sex friend that you don't fancy. Or, in my case, as a lesbian who has mostly women friends and doesn't fancy a single one of them. However, you've said you feel uneasy about this particular friendship so maybe you ought to meet up with this woman and him and see how you feel, then you can also get an impression of how your dh is with her.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:36:48

I still don't get the physical trust thing everyone bangs on about - he could be temped by that on any street corner- its the other intimacy that hurts I am sure some would agree?? Help?

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:37:11

I agree, IsThatTrue. I have no reason to doubt my DH - he tells me who he's meeting and comes home and tells me about the evening. I don't want to waste babysitting time on meeting his colleagues - v happy for him to see them by himself. And they'll talk about scenarios/people that I don't know, so I'd be bored. Same the other way round, if I want to gossip with colleagues.

The situation I mentioned upthread does confuse me a little, admittedly. It does sometimes feel date-like. But neither of us are 'available'. And so we're just friends. And I'd be sad, not to be able to be friends with 'new' people, including male people, as well as people I'd known for a long time. I think DH feels the same - he says he does.

BOF Wed 17-Apr-13 21:39:14

I agree with SootyEyes- it's different from lunch as its eating into your time. And if he's got money to spunk up the wall on cosy dinners and wine, he should be paying a babysitter so the two of you can go out.

It's not as straightforward as having platonic mates: it's the fact that he's putting energy into developing new ones at the expense of making you feel like the boring drudge at home, when now is precisely the time in your lives that you both need to be looking after your relationship as a couple. There is likely never going to be a more stressful time for your romantic connection than having very young children, and if you are going to go the distance, you have to pay it some attention. To me, that does not include intimate evenings out à deux with new female colleagues while you stay home feeling neglected and resentful. He's not being very sensible.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 21:39:44

I think the fact that you are staying at home looking after his children makes a massive difference to this. Pre kids I probably wouldn't have minded. I would now.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 17-Apr-13 21:40:33

Don't know if it helps but I developed a really horrible feeling about my Dp meeting up with an ex (even though I am friends with my ex). However, her ex came to ours for lunch shortly after their meeting and as soon as I met her and saw them together I realised I had been mad to worry about it. There was no weirdness at all.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:01

Yes I am fine with lunch old friends ect work ect. O and it our money as well?

ComposHat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:11

I see this clarty but how does getting jealous and getting possesive help? If someone is hell bent on having an affair, they'll have one and trying to 'forbid' contact will, if anything make it more likely as their friendship will take on an illicit quality it didn't have before.

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:39

Those of you saying 'you don't trust your man if you won't allow him to go on a date for an evening meal with a woman', just makes me think that you can't care very much about your man and whether he cheats or not.

Right to say if he cheats he's not worth having, but if you don't care what the hell he gets up to then he's not going to think you care very much about him. In all honesty if I told my husband I was going for dinner with a bloke I had just met and he had no problem with it, I'd think he didn't love me or care very much at all.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:41:41

Thanks Taffeta.

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:42:08

Yy compos

I think you're right to be concerned. I would be most unhappy if dh went to dinner with a woman he's spent all day with and for no apparent purpose but to have fun withher while I'm sat at home...

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:43:13

Compos I dont think hes hell bent on having one.

MsVestibule Wed 17-Apr-13 21:43:35

its the other intimacy that hurts I am sure some would agree?? Whether we're reasonable or not, I do agree with you. DH goes out every week with his male friends. I know they only talk about golf and football, but of course it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to talk to them about emotional stuff.

However, I wouldn't want him talking about that sort of stuff with another woman. As I say, may be I am being U, but that's the way I feel.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:44:21

OP yes I think I understand the 'other' intimacy you mean - the shared understanding, jokes, knowledge about each other's lives? But speaking for myself, I have a few friends who I have that kind of intimacy with - male and female. DH does too. We spend a lot of time together, but I'm not convinced we have to spend every single evening together. When you have little kids and are often at home, it's nice to be out!

Does your DH have other types of contact with the colleague he's meeting - texting, facebook, etc?

FeistyLassie Wed 17-Apr-13 21:44:39

I'm surprised how many people would have an issue with this. I wouldn't give it a second's thought. Now I'm wondering if I'm naive hmm I often meet male friends/colleagues/ex-colleagues for lunch or dinner. Sometimes dh will come too but usually he doesn't. Equally he'll meet his female friends/colleagues for a catch up.

If you're going to be tempted by a colleague it will happen during working hours. Banning lunches or dinners won't make any difference.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:44:41

thanks Msvest.

MooncupGoddess Wed 17-Apr-13 21:45:17

Usually I am a great defender of men's right to have female friends... but this is a bit odd. Presumably he sees her loads during the day and they could go out for lunch/a quick drink if they wanted to chat/slag off their colleagues. It's not like he's meeting up with an old female friend who he only sees once or twice a year.

I am single and sometimes have drinks/dinner with old male friends who are now married. I don't think twice about it, but if a newish married male colleague suggested dinner I would be disconcerted.

HazardLamps Wed 17-Apr-13 21:46:19

" I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario where I'd go out for a meal with just one of the male colleagues while his wife looked after their kids. I just can't."

You'd let someone else's domestic arrangements dictate how you led your own life and who you socialise with? Wow.

IsThatTrue Wed 17-Apr-13 21:47:01

helmet it's not at all not caring. It's the fact I see the need for both myself and DH to have (platonic) relationships outside of our marriage. And me being possessive and dictating who/when he can/can't see somebody isn't going to help our relationship. And it's not going to stop him if he does want to cheat.

I was devastated when my XH left me, my whole world was turned upside down. But was there anything I could have done to change the fact he was a lying arsehole? No. Will being suspicious of DH make him less likely to cheat? No. What it is more likely to do is out cracks in our relationship because I'm being a possessive bitch. (Not saying you are a possessive bitch op but generalising for the sake of my arguement)

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:48:31

It was her actually cancelling twice that seemed strange?

I wouldn't be happy tbh. Dh gas had lunch with female colleagues as part of his working day and that's fine, but dinner and drinks alone in the evening is different...

MichelleRooJnr Wed 17-Apr-13 21:49:54

I'm really surprised how many people have a problem with this.
DH and I both regularly have nights out with colleagues/friends of opposite sex.
I don't understand how people can say "I trust him" but then have an issue with this kind of thing.
It suggests a belief that once married, spouses shouldn't develop any new friendships!?
How strange hmm
I am still a person who sometimes meets people I like and enjoy spending time with.
I guess there's I trust him and I trust him...happily I genuinely trust my DH. And he me.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Wed 17-Apr-13 21:50:17

It wouldn't bother me at all unless it was a regular thing.

ifancyashandy Wed 17-Apr-13 21:50:33

I'm single and go out for dinner with married and in married colleagues sometimes. Ones I've known for years and some more recent.

Can't say I've shagged any one them.

I'm on the fence with this one, as or me it would depend on the female colleague. If she was much younger, very junior to him and not very attractive or a bit insecure, I'd absolutely put my foot down. Been there... those are the women likely to get their head turned by the attention of an older guy, and flatter their ego enough for something to develop. If she was a ball breaking glamour puss of equal rank in the office I'd be less bothered.

Judgemental and stereotyping yes, but sadly in life there really is something to this theory.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 21:51:19

Does he know you're not comfortable with it? I would hope if he did then he wouldn't go.

chrome100 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:51:24

If your DH is going to cheat on you, he would do it. It doesn't matter whether he goes out for dinner with someone or not, a cheater is a cheater. On the other hand, plenty of people are capable of having platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I think YABU and should support your husband in his friendships and not be jealous.

The op is not being suspicious, her dh is being thoughtless. He wants to go out with his new female friend who he sees all day long, rather than come home. Not just drinks. not in a crowd. just her for dinner? nah This would piss me off.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:52:47

I think no one is true to there feelings in marriage - marriage can be hard work and a lot of would not mind going out on dates but thats not really being married is it?

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 21:53:23

Exactly this. Plus she is stuck at home looking after his children, so can't go out herself.

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:54:04

I agree Compos, to a certain extent - no-one wants to be tied to someone who is likely to simmer with jealousy whenever a member of the opposite sex appears on the radar, even in a platonic sense. However I don't think the OP is guilty of that.

I think she is trying to explore her feelings as to why this scenario makes her uncomfortable, and I think it is because her DH is choosing to take his dealings with this colleague into spheres which are of a more traditionally romantic nature with the possibility of an emotional attachment ensuing.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 21:54:05

I agree apple.

HazardLamps Wed 17-Apr-13 21:54:13

Maybe she cancelled because of nothing more sinister than her own family and childcare arrangements, appleNblackberry?

FWIW, it's easy to disguise an affair by using lunch breaks and "business meetings" or half days off which the wife is unaware of to see the other woman. Evening dates are harder to arrange and it would take a particularly brazen type of husband to openly admit that he was having an evening meal with Jane if he was actually shagging her.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 21:55:41

New friendships, fine. Drinks after work in a group, fine. If everybody else slopes off and drinks turns into "Oh we're starving, let's get a pizza" that can happen as the occasional one-off too.

Planning to "go out for dinner" alone with a new colleague in what would normally be family time when your spouse has been home with the kids all day? I dunno, just the context makes it thoughtless/odd.

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:56:44

Someone upthread said something on the lines of 'if someone is hellbent on having an affair it will happen'.

That is the thing though and if you have time to read the link I posted it will explain it better than I ever could. People don't set out to have affairs all of the time, they mostly happen because someone spends a lot of time with someone of the opposite sex and very slowly start crossing boundaries if feelings start to develop.

Very rarely do people set out to have one, they often start out very innocently like this and feelings develop, the fog sets in and they re-write history to justify it.

There has been a lot more research done and the ones who go out to look for people to shag around are a lot rarer than people who have affairs which start off perfectly innocently.

I think it is naive to trust anyone 100% and not to worry about certain situations putting your marriage at risk. I am happily married, I am not worried about him cheating (but he has the same boundaries as me) and he has done nothing to make me doubt him but I will never trust another human 100% because even good people fuck up. Plus, I know too many people who were cheated on who thought they were in perfectly happy marriages, and often were until an innocent situation turned into something more and the fog set in.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:56:49

But she could go out another night, Taffeta - while he is 'stuck' at home looking after 'her' children. It should work both ways.

Meeting up with a friend isn't the same as going for a date - unless that's what the two people involved intend it to be. I think it's healthy to have plenty of friends and not depend entirely on one's spouse for conversation and company. Again - naïve?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:57:00

exactly that clarty

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:58:08

I must make this clear - I DO GO OUT WITH My FRIENDS AND MY HUSBAND WHEN WE GET A BBSITER LOL!

whtsmum Wed 17-Apr-13 21:58:36

I trusted my ex, until I caught him with the personel officer where he worked, they were 'only friends too'. She moved in the day I left! Sorry.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:00:16

I dont think hes a cheater but I think it would be naive of me and insulting to him to think he could not fall in love with someone other than me - in fact I think people are compatible with lots of other people!

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 22:00:21

Lamp, yes but she's not going out on her night out with a man she has built up a relationship with during the day, is she?

AuntieStella Wed 17-Apr-13 22:00:23

The reason I have a problem with this is encapsulated more eloquently by Shirley Glass here. It's a slippery slope that so many people find to their cost really does exist.

What contact is tolerable depends on so many things. It's OK to remind your spouse of relationship boundaries at the time you start feeling uncomfortable about them. It's your own subjective call, and being able to air concerns and thrash them out healthily are important issues in communication.

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 22:00:40

You don't have to be possessive and dictate anything but one also shouldn't be so blind as to say that the other half going out on a date like scenario is no different to having lunch in the canteen.

Right, if he's going to cheat then he's going to cheat but why put yourself in a date situation when another would do? Just to prove a point that you're not a cheat?

I'm never going to agree that my husband going out for dinner with a woman he'd just met for anything other than business purposes is fine and dandy while I sit at home with the kids though. That doesn't make me possessive.

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 22:01:27

Auntie.. I meant to post that link but posted another by her lol

But yes, she says it perfectly.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 22:02:20

Are you shouting at me, Apple? I assumed you did go out - hadn't occurred to me you didn't. There are other posters who've made much of the 'you stuck at home looking after the kids' scenario.

BOF Wed 17-Apr-13 22:02:57

Samu2, I agree with all that. And I do think that sometimes people have blinkers on about how these things develop. You can make sensible decisions which prioritise your relationship without being some henpecked wimp frightened of having your bollocks cut off. I see nothing that the OP has posted which would suggest she is routinely jealous or possessive.

Light the lamp, I do think that's a bit naive. Lots of friends great - investing time in one new female friend - crap.
I trust dh largely because he avoids getting in these kind of situations.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 22:03:52

Of course there could be no ill intention, it's just a question of being put in a situation you feel uncomfortable with.

I trust DH absolutely, but he was recently invited on his own to a wedding. Him and 2 other male work colleagues, they work with the groom. They were put on a table with single girls from the brides work. I was very unhappy about this. Not with DH. It made me feel very uncomfortable, it was very odd and I am very glad it's over. DH knows I was unhappy.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 22:04:06

I'm thinking back to when I was first working - I was in a relationship and I did used to go out with male colleagues who were also in relationships after work, both in groups and individually. We'd have dinner/drinks and a good bitch about work.

While this was mostly innocent there was definitely a frisson about it - flirting went on. We were all young, unmarried, unsprogged things (though some of us were cohabiting) and we were behaving like it. I still see some of those friends, they predate current DP, but I actually wouldn't behave in quite the same way if I started at a new workplace now. It wouldn't really seem right.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 22:04:52

I have vowed to wait until they have small children and then invite the groom only in the school holidays to a party at ours

StuntGirl Wed 17-Apr-13 22:05:06

"However, I wouldn't like him to develop new friendships with women."

I find this statement really sad sad I suspect I'm projecting a little though, as I am a female with mostly male friends. I've got a new work colleague I get on great with, and I would feel very sad if my partner didn't want us to become friends just because he was male.

I think since you say you do go out together, and you do get nights out yourself, that there's nothing to complain of on that side. Have I got it right that this was simply announced rather than discussed? If so, that's the bit I'd have issue with.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:06:17

Exactly - thisiseup - I have been asked out many times but refuse as I would feel its a bit naughty to go out with a male colleague on my own while my husband puts the kids to bed - maybe im just to nice lol.

StuntGirl Wed 17-Apr-13 22:07:40

"I have been asked out many times but refuse as I would feel its a bit naughty to go out with a male colleague on my own while my husband puts the kids to bed"

Ok now it's you projecting - unless you fancy the work colleague and are treating the night out as a date there's nothing to feel 'naughty' about!

maddening Wed 17-Apr-13 22:09:01

I think the test would be his reaction if you suggested you went along and got a babysitter - in a casual and non accusatory manner..

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:09:15

stuntgirl -O yeh that the big difference its not being discussed never is he justs seem to do what he likes as he thinks its ok - although not really - as why not tell me?

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 22:09:16

I love going out while DH puts the kids to bed - hurray!

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 17-Apr-13 22:09:28

Yanbu. My closest friend at work is male. We might grab a quick drink but then go home to our families. We'd organize a night out as a four. Our kids have become friends. It's not that we've drawn up 'rules' it's just how it is. Lunch is different. It's easy enough for him to SAY you could do the same but he knows it's unlikely- you're a stay at home mum.

What is the reason exactly it has to be an evening meal?

twentythirteen Wed 17-Apr-13 22:10:29

I have male friends and my oh has female friends, and from time to time we meet up with our firends on our own. If you can't trust your oh then it doesn't matter if he has your "permission". My OH and I are not flirst. If you behave respectably to your oh and with your colleagues then I can't see the problem. And I would "just announce" that I had plans to meet up with a friend, of any gender, as would oh, because it isn't a problem. The only thing we check out with each other is whether it's ok to go out, not who we are spending that time with.

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 22:10:34

Exactly, BOF.

I have male friends, ones I met before my DH. I won't be making new friends and taking them for meals though, DH would hate it and he isn't even the jealous or possessive type, we just know how these things can start out. We don't have blinkers on and we don't think that either of us is super-human who would never cross the line if we started to take out members of the opposite sex for cozy meals.

I would think he had gone crazy if he ever thought it was appropriate.

OrangeLily Wed 17-Apr-13 22:11:48

I'm quite surprised by how many people's posts are saying that they wouldn't be OK with it.

Both me and DH have friends of the opposite sex and wouldn't think twice about going out with them. We don't have kids yet do don't have the same responsibilities but I don't tend to 'ask' DH if I can go out, although may check it doesn't clash with plans. More often than not I'll pop it in our shared calendar. Bringing your spouse along to a meal/drinks with a colleague is boring for them sometimes because its filled with inane work drivel.

Sorry but if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether you ban one dinner or not. Sex doesn't just happen at night!

chandellina Wed 17-Apr-13 22:11:48

You have to trust your instinct, if it feels like a threat it probably is. Some situations with female friends or colleagues feel fine and others just don't.

I also totally disagree with the view that a cheater is a cheater - most affairs are the result of proximity and opportunity. In other words, they just happen.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:11:50

madenning I though of doing that - the thing is I am not normally a bunny boiler - but like I said whats wrong with the lady in her 60's you have to play devils advocate in your mind here?

Catmint Wed 17-Apr-13 22:11:53

Assuming there is nothing more than a friendship, I guess the hurtful issue is why you are being excluded from the friendship. It would be much better to invite the colleague over to a family dinner and drinks. Once you have met her, you can make up your own mind whether you feel comfortable with them continuing an out of hours friendship. Maybe he can stay in with kids and you and she can go out in future.

Seriously, this is how me and DP handle it when one of us meets a nice new friend, of either gender. One of his female friends, I think he was a bit smitten with her, and she was lovely, I could see why. Fast forward several years, she is probably closer to me than him, and she babysits our dd so we can go out occasionally.

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 22:12:06

I've become friends with men since I met my husband and vice versa but I'd never go on a date with one of them. If you (the royal you) don't mind your husband going on dates then good for you.

chandellina Wed 17-Apr-13 22:12:55

And sex is a lot more likely in the evening after a few drinks, no matter who is involved!

MunchMunch Wed 17-Apr-13 22:13:44

Everyone seems fixated with the opinion that op's dh wants to cheat. I really dont think this is the case and probably in his mind he doesnt, he just wants to socialise with a new friend but he may find that they likes each other more than friends or maybe that shes only ok in small doses.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:13:53

Most of the women Ive known who have been cheated on have been really naive and relaxed about what there husbands get up t0 - I think its because most men don't set out to have an affair it just happens from spending time together.

Taffeta Wed 17-Apr-13 22:14:21

I wonder if she's cancelled as her DH doesn't like it?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:15:18

thats what i thought

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 22:15:23

But how do you define a 'date', Hemlet? Meeting someone for a social purpose at a set time in a set place, one-on-one? That applies to lots of situations though. What makes it date-like - if at least one of you fancies the other?

Is my DH going on a date tomorrow night, I ask myself...

StuntGirl Wed 17-Apr-13 22:18:42

I think that's what you need to pull him up on apple, the fact that he's unilaterally deciding what you're both doing with your time - him going on nice meals out and you stuck at home with the kids. Now I'm sure you don't actually mind staying in with the kids, and would offer if he discussed it, but it's the fact he's making that decision for you iyswim?

Any night out that is going to impact on the other one should be discussed and agreed upon imo. And I don't even mean some massive military operation style thing, just a "Me and Kate were thinking of going out on Tuesday, would you mind if I went out?" and then you can say "No problem" or "I'd rather not this week" accordingly.

sleeplessbunny Wed 17-Apr-13 22:18:54

Is this genuinely to do with trust, or could it be you are unhappy that he has chosen not to spend this time with you?

I only ask because I have been in a similar situation, and felt a bit neglected by DP when I was on maternity leave. I would get jealous of him spending time with other people, particularly 1 on 1, as I wanted to spend more time with him and didn't often get the chance. But I had the same feelings whoever he was out with, male or female.

It took me a while to work out what the feeling was, and longer to express it properly, but when I did it was all fixed smile

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 22:19:10

Orange that isn't really the point is it? of course if he has already decided to have sex with her he is going to do it whether or not they go for this meal. The whole point is that affairs often start off innocently like this with no intention whatsoever of fucking taking place.

He probably doesn't want an affair right now, but dates with another woman could sure lead to that if feelings and boundaries become blurred.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:23:58

basically my DH being travelling a lot he always gos out for drinks as part of social bonding at the end of the week which is fine but at the beginning of the week I was on the phone to him and she phoned up to cancel dinner and a drink - trying not to say too much here grin which is when it all came out as I asked jokingly who it was ect. And I added up that this is who hes been out with before. I do think its Innocent but it made me feel like they couldn't wait to go out together rather than taking time to get bored during the week?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:24:51

good advice stuntgirl

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:25:48

yes that how i feel samu2

cheeseandpineapple Wed 17-Apr-13 22:27:10

Does sound a bit odd and I say that as someone with a few male friends who I have dinner and drinks with on my own but a work colleague for dinner is different unless your partner also knows them in some way too and the colleague has morphed into a genuine friend.

OP, tell your DH that there's a dad at school who you're quite friendly with and you'd like to go out for dinner with him one night, just the two of you and that you'll need DH to babysit that night.

He might finally see where you're coming from on this because even if he's saying you can do the same, when you spell it out like that, it should sound a bit ?? even to him.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:29:00

chesseanddpineapple you cheered me up and made me smile

cheeseandpineapple Wed 17-Apr-13 22:34:53

Give it a bash! In fact you could say you can't decide whether to go out for dinner with this other dad or the cinema and just "hang out" and are there any films he (DH) can suggest that might be any good?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:36:35

It is subtle this thing it just makes me feel a bit crap confused

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 22:38:59

Light, if your DH is going for dinner with his new friend to get to know her better then maybe.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:50:36

Thanks everyone

maleview70 Wed 17-Apr-13 22:50:45

What happens if you are working away with a female or male colleague?

My wife before we were married spent 3 weeks away on business with a male colleague, coming home at weekends, I personally would have found it odd if they had not had dinner together when staying in the same hotel.

What's the difference?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:53:33

they were not staying in the same hotel for some reason if they went downstairs for a meal some how I would view that differently the same as when they go out in groups

BOF Wed 17-Apr-13 22:54:08

In what way is it similar? confused

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 22:57:13

I dont think there is a wrong or right answer to this just feels like blurring the lines a bit

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 23:00:30

Hemlet, my DH's friend is not 'new' - she's someone he's known through work for a couple of years at least. They meet up from time to time in the evening. Exchange texts. I haven't met her. I don't believe I have any reason to feel alarmed - he does the same with other female colleagues. And as I've said before, I meet up with male colleagues - who have become friends - too. It would be a dull world if you couldn't be friends with a variety of people, without partners attempting to veto.

VelvetSpoon Wed 17-Apr-13 23:01:11

A lot of this thread makes pretty depressing reading. I can't believe that some women would expect to meet their husband's female colleagues, that they would object to any sort of out of work meeting etc.

It does however remind me why it is pretty pointless having any friendships with male colleagues, especially because as a single woman I am invariably perceived as some sort of threat hmm

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:03:28

So

Your husband is out on a date with another woman while you put the kids to bed and tie yourself in knots to rationalise it so you can look like a "cool wife"

Just because he is doing it in plain sight, doesn't make it any more innocent

You are being taken for a mug, and it is likely that time will tell you that, sorry

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:05:01

I think someone else put it right - if he was open about it I would have been ok for sure its because I found out

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:06:01

I have been playing the cool wife for a long time but suddenly I felt pissed off

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:08:10

I think there is a lot of pressure these days to not look like 'a bunny boiler' and play it cool all the time - but then why bother at all if you not bothered.

Hemlet Wed 17-Apr-13 23:10:49

Light he's not going out with someone new to get to know her better then is he, they've had an established relationship as friends for 2 years so bears no resemblance to the op situation.

OTTMummA Wed 17-Apr-13 23:10:57

You need to tell him he has gone too far and see what his reaction is.
He should try to see it from your perspective.
It's not on, he should be wanting to take you out.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:13:41

Apparently he ok with me doing this too - but I now remember discussing this a while ago when we were talking about someone else and he said he wouldent be happy if i did that!

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:13:59

Although I know it exists, I don't feel any pressure to be a "cool wife"

Perhaps it's a generational thing ?

I would not tolerate my husband taking another woman out for a dinner date, just those two alone, unless he was related to her and that is the end of it. I would no more expect to do it myself.

I wouldn't think they were shagging over the coffee and petit fours but romantic dinners are something I share only with my husband.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:16:34

It can be surprising what you remember when you examine past conversations withn a new understanding, can't it ?

So, you have to put up and shut up that he is spending family money on wining and dining other women but it's not ok for you ?

That's fine by you, is it ?

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:18:25

My problem is how do you say I dont like you doing that (which I have now - if you do I think he will just do it but hide it more - what to do? I know now he just wont tell me - he tends to carry on doing his own thing regardless. I think this is why I play it cool because you can observe whats going on more - but now Ive shown my cards shock

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:20:30

Im going now ul have a look at this tomorrow! Thank you for your support.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 23:22:57

by the way 'I wouldn't think they were shagging over the coffee and petit fours but romantic dinners are something I share only with my husband' I coulden't have put it better myself! Thats just it!

bonnieslilsister Wed 17-Apr-13 23:23:38

Well said Samu

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:28:21

what do you mean "how do you say what you feel" ?? hmm

you just open your mouth and the words come out.

I don't mean to be nasty love, but if you think speaking your mind to your H will simply cause him to become more underhandedly sneaky then you have a bigger problem than the one in your OP

You don't trust him at all, do you ?

Are there other instances of him being a deceitful liar to get his own way ?

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:30:36

Do you know what, I really do wish the respondents to threads like this would make the effort to probe a bit more before they say things akin to "what's wrong with you, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, you shouldn't be uptight"

By the time people post here, the anxiety levels are usually pretty high...and often for very good reason.

BOF Wed 17-Apr-13 23:34:38

Yes, and drawing parallels where none exist.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 23:40:55

indeed

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 00:15:10

Maleview that situation is nothing similar - a work trip away where one is expected to socialise with colleagues is one thing, a normal run-of-the-mill week night where one partner is not only choosing to spend time away but is just dumping the decision on their partner is quite another.

Fiddlesticks8 Thu 18-Apr-13 00:19:17

"But this new friendship has got to me" trust your instincts...if you're not happy about it then say so...but try not to be too OTT about it as you ll chase him straight into her arms. Monitor it and ask to meet her

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 00:21:39

If I felt making my feelings known would "chase my husband straight into her arms" I would wave him off with a condom in his pocket and a rucksack with all his belongings on his back, with my blessing

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 00:23:15

God, is everyone really so untrusting of their partners? Like, the first bit of attention elsewhere will having them running off, shagging like bunnies? sad

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 00:24:52

You haven't read the thread properly, SG

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 00:26:48

I have AF. I've seen lots of posters very wary of their partners socialising with other women for fear that they'll run off and have an affair. And very wary of mentioning any concerns for fear it will push them into the arms of another. I find that sad.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 00:29:57

I get the "push him into the arms of another" comment and picked up on it myself

but I think most posters who haven't flamed the OP for being uptight and not trusting her husband (although he sounds thoroughly untrustworthy) haven't insisted he is going to have an affair

just that taking other women out on romantic dinner dates whilst she does the grunt work at home is massively disrespectful of her

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 00:35:53

I've already agreed with that last point further upthread.

I am absolutely staggered at the number of women who take such a strong stance against opposite sex friendships though, even with no hint of dodgy behaviour. Though I agree this man's behaviour is selfish and thoughtless at best and uncaring and pig headed at worst.

UptheChimney Thu 18-Apr-13 06:21:08

I dont think this is very much different from the regular AIBU of "He's told me he's going out with his mates while i stay at home with our children"

If the OP is being required to stay home to do all the domestic stuff, while her DH goes out for a social occasion, which is not work-related, then I can understand her unease. If her work at home is allowing her husband to have a social life, while she can't, then it's unfair.

One to one dinner with an opposite sex work colleague, when you both have family and domestic responsibilities seems a bit odd. If its a work do, there'll be more than the 2 of them, if it's a working session, why not lunch?

I like the suggestion that the OP book a any sitter and go along, particularly If she and her DH haven't been out to dinner for a while.

raisah Thu 18-Apr-13 06:40:23

He should book a babysitter and take you out for dinner and drinks. Some people spend a lot of time impressing their friends/outsiders and neglect their own families/partners. I think because you are aSAHM you would appreciate the adult company & attention that your oh is giving to his colleague. Its difficult being stuck at home for 13 hrs + looking after dc when you need a bit of tlc. Let him know this, dont keep it in.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Thu 18-Apr-13 06:42:50

Well Dh does sometimes go for a beer after work with colleagues (some of whom are women) on a one-to-one basis but I would find a purely social pre-arranged dinner a little odd. Usually it's a case of it being 6pm on a Friday and someone saying "I need your thoughts on this" and him saying "ok, but lets get a beer while we talk" as opposed to an organised thing. I do similar albeit most of my colleagues are women.

Usual protocol with new friend of opposite sex for us would be to invite them to dinner, either as a couple, assuming new friend has a partner, or within a larger group if they're single. It's the easiest way to make your intentions clear and weed out any potential romeos.

Throughout my life I have generally found that invitations to socialise a deux with men (single or married) have usually had some sort of expectation that it's not purely platonic, and I am not the world's most amazing looking person, so I assume this must be fairly typical.

So [leaps off fence on which I've been sitting for 20 mins] YANBU

TwoBrasDontMakeABodice Thu 18-Apr-13 07:03:21

I was under the impression that the OP's husband was AWAY working therefore the OP could not join him. Apologies if I have read that wrong.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 18-Apr-13 07:09:47

Lol at platonic relationships

my dp and I had one of those once...

Im convinced if the man and woman find each other attractive and spend enough alone tume together the inevitable will happeb.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 18-Apr-13 07:10:10

*happen

NoWayPedro Thu 18-Apr-13 07:23:49

When not on mat leave I travel a lot for work. Sometimes alone, sometimes as a group and sometimes with male only colleagues. We all get on well most of the time and go to dinner/day trips etc. together whilst away. If colleagues are visiting from overseas offices we go out for dinner as we try to not leave someone on their own away from home iyswim.

All totally innocent.

If it was a male colleague based in my office and i just wanted to talk shop; coffee at lunch? 1:1 dinner a bit much for me for people who see each other a lot at work.

I can't see anything wrong with saying to your DH-I feel uncomfortable with this. I am not happy that you are choosing to spend family time and money taking a work colleague out for a meal in these circumstances. If that's how you feel.
No one can tell you if you are right or wrong to feel that way, some people seem to be happy with this situation, other people have different reasons for being unhappy with it.
But it's your relationship. You don't have to react the same as other people. You don't have to live your life according to someone else's feelings, do you?

If, for whatever reason, you are not happy with this, well that's ok.

Tbh, in the situation you described, I wouldn't be happy either.

But if you feel that by expressing this to your DH that will cause him to sneak about and hide what he is doing you must have some doubt about his honesty. And I think that is the issue, really. Not whether you are too jealous or whether you are unreasonable to ask your DH not to do this.

You should be able to express how you feel, have a discussion about it, resolve it. Not spend the next few months wondering if your DH has heard you say you are not happy but is out doing it anyways.

Takingbackmonday Thu 18-Apr-13 09:00:00

Really?!
Both me and DP wouldn't think twice about this, we quite often invite each other and often go out with friends/colleagues of opposite sex. I trust him implicitly and have complete faith in our relationship. If one of us cheated I would see it as a lucky escape - better it happens sooner than later so we could both get out.

CherylTrole Thu 18-Apr-13 09:15:41

YANBU When there are children involved the situation is completely different. For a start whoever is at home has to do the bedtime routine etc etc. Aside from that I know for a fact my DH would never do this. Its all about respect. More importantly you should be able to tell your DH OP that you are not happy with him doing this. He has not considered your feelings at all in this and that is why the red flag flies.

Hemlet Thu 18-Apr-13 09:21:16

I think AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head for me and a lot of posters are conveniently ignoring the intimate dinner for 2 in favour of having a pop at the op being unreasonable because her husband is simply having a friendship with another woman.

It's bollocks, my husband often has new female friends as he changes offices often which is fine, but if he wanted to take one of them to dinner I'd have a problem with it because it oversteps a boundary. If that makes me an uncool wife then so be it.

It doesn't necessarily mean has on for an affair, I don't think anyone has said that. It's disrespectful, as others have said.

Iseeall Thu 18-Apr-13 09:26:54

I would trust your instincts with this one op. You posted because you don't really like the idea and I totally agree with you.
Lots of different view points and senarios have been given with the best of intentions but gut reaction is inbuilt for a reason.

If you want to test him/them suggest you/dc go on their 'date' to a family friendly beefeater type venue. Don't be put of by dh saying things like the dc can't be out late, they serve cheap dinner menus from about 6pm. It may not be the cosy night he invisgned but you will feel better for it. Insist you or you and dc go everytime he suggests a 'date' with her. That is what it is, a date. sorry you have this worry, I know how this situation can nag at you , but from experience start as you mean to go on.

There is a massive difference between friendships and dinner dates though.

I have had many male friends in my time, and going out for romantic dinner was never part of how we spent our time together. We were doing stuff we were both interested in. Like going to see a movie, or a mountain hike, or visit a gallery. Or shopping! Not chat and gaze into each-others eyes over dinner! And mostly our partners were with us 50% of the time and knew each other.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 18-Apr-13 09:36:21

I was actually reading this thread waiting for AF to come on and talk some sense.

Of course he is being unreasonable. How dare he take a colleague out for dinner while you do the washing up ffs.

You never win playing the cool wife, never.

It's the same story of strip clubs on here hmm "ooh let the poor men go and watch gyrating naked women with their fanjos 2 inches from their face, it's harmless"

Pathetic.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 18-Apr-13 09:38:31

I don't know. I have done a fair bit of socialising recently with business colleagues. Had drinks (loads) and there was no talk of anything happening. Well, mind you one of the guys was hitting on me big time so I had to remind him over and over again he had a girlfriend at homehmm.
Hmm, maybe you're right then?confused

appleNblackberry Thu 18-Apr-13 09:41:51

I am fine and have been in the past with old college friends and women I already know there just seemed to be a bit too much recent bonding go on this time. I think you pick up vibes off your partner as well of how they talk to you.

What Tantrums said grin

appleNblackberry Thu 18-Apr-13 09:54:15

I know hes not having an affair and know he would not have one. Although I know he could fall in love as when you are away from screaming kids and dirty laundry anything else does feel great - and I dont think men really think about this like women do - they get caught in the moment of how intently she is listening to them rather than telling them how the dog has been sick all day and should we take it to the vets (example LOL.
But it does make you feel rubbish when you are washing his shirts and he is out having a meal with another woman. That's the problem its not crime scene but none the less makes you feel a bit crap?

To be honest, any person with a partner, especially if there are children involved, should avoid putting themselves in a position where they jeopardize their family unit and fall in love with another person.

Bejeena Thu 18-Apr-13 10:02:04

I think if it was a female friend he has known for years before meeting me then that is fine, I also have male friends like this.

But starting a new friendship with a woman when you have a wife and kids at home is not on.

MsVestibule Thu 18-Apr-13 10:08:15

Whatever any of us on here think, you feel the way you feel. As long as you don't habitually tell your DH who he can/can't socialise with, I think you are perfectly within your rights to say to him "Look, I know you think I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel comfortable with you going out with women/this particular woman for dinner."

Or have you already said that?

I do actually understand why a lot of the posters on here would be OK with their DPs developing new friendships with other women, but it's not how things work in my marriage.

Branleuse Thu 18-Apr-13 10:08:50

I would definitely NOT be ok with my dp taking another woman out on a dinner date.

fuck that.

getting along with women as people, no problem. Chatting to women friends as part of a group, or whatever. Fine.

Cosy dinner dates where I am not invited and developing intimacy. Not OK.

Im not really convinced by 95% of platonic friendships anyway.

Ive only had one platonic friend in my entire 37 years where it didnt turn out that they secretly wanted to fuck me.

MsVestibule Thu 18-Apr-13 10:24:56

I agree with your platonic friendships comment, Bran! My friend says she's had a some platonic friendships, but all of these men wanted more from the relationship - IMO, a true platonic friendship is where neither party have a sexual/romantic interest in the other.

TBH, I've never had a platonic friendship with a man. Of course I've got on well with male colleagues or my female friends DPs, but I've never, in all my 42 years, gone out with a man by myself without one of us hoping it would lead somewhere.

I think it depends on the circumstances. I have a colleague who lives away from home in a different city 4 nights a week. If he didn't meet team members for dinner then he'd be sat in a hotel room getting lonely. If any of the team members are also staying over then they go out for dinner, either as a group, or just him + team member. The gender of the team members doesn't come into it, it is just about being sociable.

This might be the first rumblings of an affair, or it might be just two colleagues going for dinner. Banning them from having dinner is not going to stop the affair happening, but I think that it's okay to say you're not comfortable with it. If we were in that situation my husband would tell me to get a babysitter and join them for dinner.

Cabrinha Thu 18-Apr-13 10:28:05

I'm a big believer in instinct, so if it makes you uncomfortable I'm not going to say suck it up.

But... I am appalled at how many on here have read "they are going out to dinner" and then typed "he is taking her out to dinner". FFS.

I go to dinner with male friends/colleagues all the time - I work away, so not an option for H to come too. Closer to home, I meet male friends alone. As I do female. It doesn't even matter if they secretly fancy me. I've got a mind of my own, you know?

I had a male friend spend a whole weekend alone with me when I was working abroad for 6 months. I refuse to write off friendship with 50% of the population. How sad that would be.

ATJabberwocky Thu 18-Apr-13 10:30:57

I wouldn't be happy with this either, even though I trust my DH, do you get invited aswell, and does he do the same with male colleagues.

I would be tempted to throw a dinner party to get to meet her, then it would be on your terms surrounded by your friends.

Orangerevel Thu 18-Apr-13 10:32:39

I definitely wouldn't be happy with it. YANBU.

quietlysuggests Thu 18-Apr-13 10:35:23

If its nothing, then why does he care about this dinner?
As soon as you said you were not comfortable with it, the normal nothing-to-hide innocent-motives response would be "Of course I wont go if you think its better not to"
I would hate my husband to do this, to leave himself open to gossip, to disrespect me like that.
YANBU

AWimbaWay Thu 18-Apr-13 10:42:29

My Dh occasionally goes for drinks after work with female colleagues, occasionally male colleagues, sometimes both. It never occurred to me that he shouldn't, I just see it as him catching up with people he gets on with. I guess I maybe don't mind as he's always had close female friends from when we first met, and when we go out together with those friends it is very clear he sees them as just that, friends.

I have also met his female work colleagues after he has met them without me a few times, they always seem pleased to meet me and say he's told them all about me etc.

I'd be upset if I felt he was discussing things with them rather than talking to me, but I'd feel that way if it were a male colleague too.

quietlysuggests Thu 18-Apr-13 10:49:14

I am just thinking, I change work- placements every couple of years so have lots of experience meeting new colleagues and settling into a new team.
If ever a married man asked me to dinner I would be so shocked and flustered I might well agree and run out the door.
I would then phone my husband and say "Oh God how do I get out of this, this is so awkward, why does he want just the 2 of us to go to dinner, does he not know I am married? What a sleaze"

Crinkle77 Thu 18-Apr-13 10:51:30

I don't think I would mind if they were nipping out for something to eat in their lunch hour but not sure about going out in the evening. Perhaps if there were others going or you knew this woman but YANBU for being uncomfortable with it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Apr-13 10:57:58

Daytime meetings and lunches are different to evening get-togethers.

After work drinks and/or meal, locally, crowd of colleagues, no problem.
After work drinks and/or meal, locally, just him and her, why?

If he is going to stray with someone at work he won't wait for a night rendezvous but I think YANBU and if you are uneasy there's usually something in it.

LaQueen Thu 18-Apr-13 10:58:52

Hmmm...not sure about this?

I think I would feel somewhat uneasy if DH announced he was going out for dinner with a female collegue. No real, specific reason, because I trust DH and he's never given me cause to to doubt him.

But, yes I would feel uneasy.

Runoutofideas Thu 18-Apr-13 11:05:07

I think it is the intensity of the one on one situation that to me feels like overstepping the mark.

When I was a SAHM I made friends with a SAHD at a baby class - it was completely platonic. We often used to go for lunch afterwards, but i'd always make sure there was a group of us. I don't think it would have felt right if it had just been the two of us... and I would have understood if DH hadn't liked the idea. FWIW he goes out with work colleagues at lunchtimes (male and female) but not one to one with female colleagues and not for dinner unless it is an event where partners are invited too.

UptheChimney Thu 18-Apr-13 11:08:54

But it does make you feel rubbish when you are washing his shirts and he is out having a meal with another woman. That's the problem its not crime scene but none the less makes you feel a bit crap?

You are definitely definitely NOT BU.

fluffyraggies Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:10

Gosh this thread is going round and round in circles.

OP i'd be bloody furious if my DH wanted to take another woman out to dinner (unless it was his sister or his mother).

He'd understand because he'd be bloody furious if i wanted to go out to dinner with a bloke. It's the way we are and it works for us. The day he says he doesn't care if go out for dinner with some other guy is the day i know our relationship is in trouble. He'd say the same. It may not be very PC but ..... i'm fine with it. It feels right.

The fact that other people, here on MN, or anywhere, would be OK with their partners taking other women out to dinner doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. So don't worry about that.

If you feel deep down that there is even more to this than just the simple unreasonableness of you being left at home while he takes another woman out to dinner, (ie: you think she may have an agenda) then all the more reason to go with your gut feelings and don't let this pass. I'd be kicking up a bloody stink!

blueballoon79 Thu 18-Apr-13 11:21:37

I wouldn't be happy about this either and I'm generally a very trusting type.

Dinner together seems very intimate as other people have said.

Also I've thought what would I do if a male friend who was married asked me out for dinner one evening.

I wouldn't go. I'd feel very uncomfortable thinking that his wife was at home with the children whilst I was out having dinner and drinks with her husband.

I'd also be questioning his intentions.

appleNblackberry Thu 18-Apr-13 13:26:49

Exactly Blueballoon79 - thats just how I would feel and wouldent go - if I fancied them a little bit then I would think this could lead to something I wont go - if I didnt I would think its possible they fancy me (as I have had many coming on me at work SHarass the lot!

fedupofnamechanging Thu 18-Apr-13 13:59:59

There are two different types of cheater. There's the one who is always going to be on the lookout for someone to shag, but there is also the one, who would define themselves as fundamentally loyal, good people, but who put themselves in positions where an affair 'just happens'.

For the second type of cheater, it happens because they have not observed appropriate boundaries with people outside their relationship.

I don't understand why any wife (or husband) would happily sit back while their spouse deliberately puts themselves in a social situation that creates intimacy with someone other than themselves. That means cosy evening dinners, while the spouse is at home with the kids.

My dh goes to work so he can earn money to support our family life. When he is not at work, I expect him to get home and actually partake in that family life. He is not at work to make friends and socialise. If there is time and money for cosy dinners, I expect him to be having them with me.

Call me old fashioned but I think the OP's dh is taking the piss. It may well be innocent, but it is definitely inappropriate.

I am also cynical, but plenty of people hide in plain sight - they think you won't possibly suspect them because they've been so up front!

CarpeDiemCras Thu 18-Apr-13 14:05:34

I don't think I'd be cool with this, nor would DP expect me to be. It's the appearance of impropriety for me.

A business trip is completely different IMO but I'm still wary of certain scenarios. (It's usually me on the business trips, so these are situations I try to avoid myself rather than rules I impose on DP).

eggerlicious Thu 18-Apr-13 14:45:45

Well until I read this, I would happily go for dinner with a male without any expectation of anything happening I have worked in an industry for years where you are friendly to everyone and I've not been chatted up! I know I wouldn't see a married man for a myriad of reasons and thankfully, I've not had to put that to the test recently.

Having read this, however, I am beginning to rethink how appropriate it is!

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 15:16:49

At no point have I said the OP is being unreasonable. I think its perfecly reasonable for her to ask him not to go.

What I do think is unreasonable are all the posts along the lines of "My husband is not allowed to make new female friends, my husband is not allowed to socialise alone with female friends, etc, etc".

There's a world of difference between being unhappy your partner is going out spending family time and money on someone else (gender irrelevant) when they should be helping split the work load at home, and just a blanket unhappiness at the situation due to gender.

BigHands Thu 18-Apr-13 15:23:26

This is a joke right?

JustinBsMum Thu 18-Apr-13 15:27:27

I think it depends on the 'friend'.

My DH had work colleagues who were really my type, ie I liked them, they were funny, had v busy lives if they were not married, and, obviously very busy lives if they were, didn't wear plunging necklines or flirty type clothing, had a good laugh with DH (and with me if I was there) so him having a meal with them was fine.

If the friend is not your type, in my case maybe a bit dipsy, a bit needy, single, or married but DH never mentioned, I wouldn't be happy.

JustinBsMum Thu 18-Apr-13 15:28:24

Also would wonder why he wanted too spend scarce spare time with them.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Thu 18-Apr-13 15:34:12

Wouldn't worry me, we both go out with other people, old and new friends, single and married, whatever. I figure if DH is going to cheat, he'd do it whether I 'allowed' him to go out or not.

BigHands Thu 18-Apr-13 15:35:38

Please, some one tell me this is a joke!

Where's the problem? Is he always doing this? Has he cheated on you before? Given you any cause for concern?

If not, and I say this with respect, get over it - it's really not worth the worry.

LaMaga Thu 18-Apr-13 15:45:16

YANBU.

BOF Thu 18-Apr-13 15:53:24

I just lost a long post, but the gist was no, it's not a joke. If you read many posts in this forum, you'd understand that this is precisely how many affairs and infidelities start. The person isn't an habitual shagger, they think it "just happened", but the reality is they stopped paying attention to healthy boundaries in their relationship, and it crept up on them.

Plenty of people have platonic friendships with the opposite sex, sure. But arranging dinner dates with a recent female colleague when your wife is in the dark about it or uncomfortable just isn't very respectful of your marriage, and it's quite possible that you'll end up one of those fools who throws away a lovely family.

BigHands Thu 18-Apr-13 15:56:29

Mmmm, you're probably right BOF. Lock him up and cut off his cock.

BOF Thu 18-Apr-13 16:07:32

That would be extreme. But asking him to have the good sense not to arrange dinner dates with other women would be reasonable.

happyscouse Thu 18-Apr-13 16:23:05

BoF speaks sense.
I have worked in offices for nearly 30 years, It's only my experience but those "platonic" friends who took themselves out on their own always without exception turned out to be much more than friends, i've witnessed the fallout too many times for this scenario not to ring alarm bells.
I know lots of male/female friendships work within the working enviroment, i have them myself but going out to Dinner, Nah that's crossing a line.

appleNblackberry Thu 18-Apr-13 20:52:21

I have also worked in offices happyscouse I agree. It amazes me that some on here think I posted this about sex or not sex thats not the issue here. If you keep on going on dates with other people eventually you may just fall in love with a person as its a false and unfair environment away from bills housework and screaming kids - way more romantic than at home! LOL

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 21:58:59

Are you going to speak to your husband, OP ?

or just have a vent here, and carry on fuming and resenting him ?

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 22:30:26

I have vented -he always makes me feel bad by saying it totally innocent - I know it is but that's not the point im making as outlined before

chocolatehomemade Thu 18-Apr-13 22:32:22

wrong post sorry

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:40:41

or wrong name change ?

never mind x

MmeThenardier Thu 18-Apr-13 23:13:56

Dh goes out for drinks with friend(s) or a meal with a group of friends. He doesn't go out for a meal with one man and if he suggested going out for a meal with 1 woman - out of work hours - I'd be pretty hmm.

Does your DH go out for twosomes with men as well OP? Or is this something he does with women?

NonnoMum Thu 18-Apr-13 23:45:45

Actually, OP, think you need to change your tack... Assure him it's absolutely fine to go out but ask him to arrange babysitters etc as you are going out for a meal with that new dad at playgroup. You have to discuss the tea rota over a pinot grigio... and lobster bisque... You will be paying so you might have to cut down on kids' activities this month. Would that be ok?
And don't forget to reassure him in an overloud way that you are just friends. Of course.

Bogeyface Fri 19-Apr-13 00:41:29

I always think that if you are suddenly feeling odd about something that has never bothered you before then there is something different about it.

He isnt being 100% honest, he is making her out to be unattractive when she isnt and you feel wrong about it. Trust your instinct. I am not saying he is doing anything wrong......yet, but he is acting differently enough for it to flag up with you. Not an emotional affair but it sounds like it has the possibility to become one.

Tell him that you have arranged a babysitter so you can come too, his reaction will be very telling.....

starfield Fri 19-Apr-13 01:56:52

I love what NonnoMum suggests.

I wouldn't be ok with this at all. I find it up a tree that there is any question of this being acceptable. It possibly gives an inkling to the rocketing divorce rates in this country. And why isn't he helping you at home? If there's time and money to put into a woman, it should be you, not some lady with (I'm sure) plenty of options.

Spoken as someone who has just read Take a Break at one sitting and who has a corresponding sympathy at having read far some women will go to convince themselves there's nothing to worry about (often, apparently, because DH is hanging out with some girl, for whom, interestingly, he never has feelings...

sparechange Fri 19-Apr-13 10:40:29

I'm torn on this, because I think I would be hmm if my DH suggested this, but at the same time, I've been the platonic female colleague who's career suffered as a result of not being able to play on a level field.

I have no idea what your DH does for work, but in my industry, it is pretty normal for work to get done over dinner or on the golf courses.
I was, and to a certain degree still am, sidelined from projects and some trips because it is clearly awkward for men to be out for dinner with another woman.
And no, I've never had any sort of relationship with a colleague, I'm not an outrageous office flirt and I'm very very happy with my lovely relationship, but it is pretty normal in my field of work that 2 or 3 people put together on a project, which quite often involves a kick-off meeting over dinner and usually a few days away from the office actually doing the project

It is quite noticeable that some obvious skill pairings don't get paired when one is a woman and one is a man.

So by all means do what you need to do to keep your marriage secure, but is it any wonder certain industries have glass ceilings for women if they can't do the usual business socialising that men do to get deals done.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 10:49:44

Has OP actually said this was a meeting to "get deals done" ?

I got the impression he simply enjoyed this woman's company and wanted to spend one to one time with her by going out for dinner together

Jessdurberville Fri 19-Apr-13 11:02:43

Well said Sparechange! I am self-employed and some of my clients are married men - I would regularly have lunch or dinner with them and it never once occurred to me that their wives would have a problem. Many of these clients would socialise with us as families, the nature of my business means that it is normal to build a close working relationship where personal/ work boundaries blur a little.

stickingattwo Fri 19-Apr-13 11:10:27

I think YABVU.
I have male and female friends/colleagues and wouldn't think anything of going out for food/drinks with them. I go on conferences with them, stay up late, get tipsy etc You either trust your DH or you don't.

Bogeyface Fri 19-Apr-13 11:42:40

You either trust your DH or you don't.

She always has in the past but feels differently this time, that says to me that she is picking up on something that neither her DH or her realises he is doing differently.

I spent months driving myself mad feeling that there was something wrong, with no proof of anything, no real indication that something was going on. 9 months later I found out that my husband had been having a sexting affair. I found out by sheer chance. The relief I felt when I realised that I wasnt paranoid and going mad was huge.

I am a great believer in instinct. The OP doesnt trust him this time so I dont think he is being entirely honest about his feelings for this woman.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Fri 19-Apr-13 12:03:36

My understanding was that the dinner would be purely social. Client dinners are another thing entirely because sometimes you need to have conversations off the record to come to an understanding.

lydiajones Fri 19-Apr-13 12:04:07

I would feel uneasy about it. I am fine with my husband going on nights out with work when there is a group but I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement.

Some of it wouldn't even be the worry about an affair it would be that we hardly go out together, he spends tons of time at work as it is so I would rather he was spending time wining and dining me - not another woman. Fair enough if they are travelling for work and staying in the same place but why can't they just have lunch out??

If he wants to be such a great friend with her, can't you do something at the weekend with all of you together, BBQ or something as they like talking about their kids anyway why not meet them? It just all seems a bit strange.

walesdaff Fri 19-Apr-13 12:07:49

Is it worse if they come home and then go out; like bye I am off out again darling to have dinner with a lady.
Rather than after work drinks/meals which I think sounds more like what richman is saying.

Dahlen Fri 19-Apr-13 12:17:22

I have friends of both sexes. I would not stop socialising with them just because it made my partner uncomfortable. In fact I would consider that as a display of insecurity and needy behaviour.

HOWEVER, that's the way I am and always have been. Socialising with male friends is NORMAL in my lifestyle. If this is a break from typical behaviour then you are right to be suspicious IMO.

Some people are capable of platonic relationships with the opposite sex, others are not. Those who are normally this way have rounded lives that always have featured opposite-sex friends. Any 'newness' about it is worrying.

A lot depends on how much you trust your partner. For example, if I met a new man who I thought I would like to develop a friendship with, I would be keeping an eye out for sexual tension from either one of us and backing off if I picked up on any, because it's not then a platonic friendship and has the potential to do a lot of damage. Is your DH self-aware enough and honest enough to be that trustworthy?

BOF Fri 19-Apr-13 13:06:31

Good points, Dahlen.

LaQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 13:57:30

You make valid points Dahlen.

DH has never really had any female friends, unless you count the wives of his friends?

He's very much a man's man, and doesn't especially enjoy women's company, all that much (apart from me, of course).

So, for him to suddenly announce he had a female friend, and they were going out for dinner, alone would strike me as really odd, and make me feel very uneasy.

If he'd always had female friends, from when we first met - I don't think I'd give it a second's thought.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 19-Apr-13 14:19:04

A lot of people don't think about boundaries at all. They would describe as friendship, behaviour that I would describe as flirting.

Men talk differently to women than they do to other men and women talk differently to men than they do to other women. Mostly. I think this makes it difficult to have friendships without boundaries blurring less both people are consciously aware of such boundaries. Unfortunately, the people who are most aware are the ones who've already been caught out - either because they crossed them or had a partner who crossed them.

Someone who is thinking about appropriate boundaries wouldn't even be considering intimate dinners with another woman, while their wife is at home with the kids.

I wouldn't want to have dinner with such a man - I would be sitting there wondering why he wasn't at home. I would think less of him.

Work dinners when people are away from home are entirely different - a person isn't actively choosing to be somewhere else other than with their spouse in that situation.

Dahlen Fri 19-Apr-13 14:24:49

Karma I think there's some truth in that, but there's also a lot of assumptions.

I have never been unfaithful, nor have I (to my knowledge) even had a partner be unfaithful to me. However, I have never been a 'girly' girl and so grew up with more male friends than female ones. As a result, perhaps I have thought longer and harder than most about the nature of platonic friendships between the sexes.

Would you think less of a partner who left his wife at home while he went out with a male friend for a curry? What's the issue here? That he goes out and has fun while leaving his wife caring for the DC? Or that his companion is female? Because the first could be a valid criticism if he gets to have fun often and his wife doesn't. But the second is simply a result of your own perception that men and women can't be 'just friends'.

As someone who's never crossed that line from platonic friendship into sexual one, I know that's not the case.

I will concede, however, that I've started several friendships that I have subsequently ended because it transpired that despite protestations to the contrary the man in question did entertain hopes of it going further.

ceebie Fri 19-Apr-13 14:34:04

apple's second post said "he does not see the difference between male and female friends".

But if my DH started regularly doing out to dinner with one male friend I would think that rather strange! There's nothing suspicious about it in terms of his intentions, but it's just not how he would normally interact with male friends. He'd do dinner with a group of friends, or go out for a few drinks with one friend, but wouldn't regularly go out for meals with one friend whether male or female. It's a coupley sort of thing to do!

fedupofnamechanging Fri 19-Apr-13 14:38:33

I would think badly of a man leaving his wife at home to spend time out with the lads too. Unless his wife got equal leisure time while he was at home with the dc. I think that really couples should socialise together,more often than not, rather than have all their fun with other people.

I do think it's worse to go out with another woman. I think in most cases one of them will want something more than just friendship or there will be an attraction, even if neither acts on it. But it is harder to resist attraction, if you are in a cosy restaurant, away from kids and domestic drudgery. Safer to not put oneself in a position where it is easier to cross boundaries.

Dahlen, I think you are maybe more self aware than a lot of people. Lots of people don't act with complete consciousness regarding possible implications of their choices.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 19-Apr-13 14:45:14

Also I think a lot of people deliberately don't think too deeply about what they are doing and why. Deep down they know what they are doing is dodgy, but it doesn't suit them to think too much about it, because then they would feel guilty and bad about themselves. Mist people want to believe they are decent people and not the type to behave badly towards those they profess to love.

Dahlen Fri 19-Apr-13 15:39:13

Wel there's certainly a lot of truth in that. There's always a choice.

I agree with you about intimate dinners in restaurants being a more 'dangerous' setting but again that depends on the dinner. A quick curry down the local balti after a few drinks is not comparable to a table for two in a quiet corner of your local Italian, for example.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about it being wrong to be out having fun regularly while assuming that your partner is happy to SAH to mind the DC - especially if said partner is a SAHM anyway and so needs that time out probably more so than the WOHD. THat would be the biggest problem with this whole scenario if it were me in the OP's situation.

I will defend platonic friendships quite strongly because I know that they are possible and it's not a case of 'resisting' sexual attraction or crossing boundaries. There are no elements of that in my friendships with men. However, I think this is probably quite unusual, though not as rare as many would think. In more cases than not I think one of the parties is looking for something that the other provides simply because of that gender (even if it's not intending to be acted on), and yes it is easy for this to become inappropriate if not watched. It is why I have always stepped back from friendships with men where I've picked up those signals - and there have been more of those than there have been successful platonic relationships.

MrsMelons Fri 19-Apr-13 15:45:05

I have never been unfaithful to DH and I am fairly certain he hasn't to me however I would be pretty uncomfortable about this.

Why on earth would he want to go out for a meal in the evening with a female colleague - I am not sure I have ever known either me or DH to have gone out with a same sex colleague on our own - usually it is in a group. It is not necessarily a trust issue but I am not sure why he wants to go out with her?!

It is like a date IMO and that is not to say anything untoward is going on but it is still weird however much you trust someone.

UptheChimney Fri 19-Apr-13 17:04:33

Some of it wouldn't even be the worry about an affair it would be that we hardly go out together, he spends tons of time at work as it is so I would rather he was spending time wining and dining me - not another woman. Fair enough if they are travelling for work and staying in the same place but why can't they just have lunch out??

This is the main point that Apple has made, isn't it? That she's left, staying at home, while her DH leaves her to deal with the DCs bedtime & he spends family money.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 17:11:31

It appears some posters have overlooked that, UTC, in their haste to convince MN what cool partners they are

Branleuse Fri 19-Apr-13 17:20:12

I would think less of a man that wanted to take me out for a "platonic" meal while his wife was at home too. Plus id be sitting there thinking god, i hope she doesnt think im a threat, whilst knowing she probably did..

LightTheLampNotTheRat Fri 19-Apr-13 17:46:32

I still believe men and women can be platonic friends. And that male friends are great. (As female friends are too.) I love my male friends, and my DH has always had more friends who are women than men. There are clear boundaries - my DH is my partner, others are just people I'm friends with. It's all part of a rich life. I'd be a bit sad if it had to stop. And I love it when DH comes home from a night out with a female friend/colleague - the gossip is always much more interesting.

ifancyashandy Fri 19-Apr-13 17:57:40

Going out to dinner with someone of the opposite sex is not just a 'couply thing to do'. I go out to dinner with male friends alone. We are not couples. We gossip about mutual friends, work, telly - whatever. Dinner with a friend of the opposite is sex not purely the domain of couples.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Fri 19-Apr-13 18:09:55

What ifancyashandy said.

I agree that out-of-character behaviour may be different. But people change/evolve - and acquiring a female friend may just be that, not a sign of anything threatening.

Have just asked DH ( the worlds most laid back man) he said " that's very inappropriate" smile
This is the man who was the only male in his graduating class and has loads of female friends.

noddyholder Fri 19-Apr-13 18:19:36

I wouldn't like it

UptheChimney Fri 19-Apr-13 18:39:28

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids?

OP's first sentence -- purely on the grounds of "while I look after the kids" OP is NBU

LaQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 18:52:39

AF I agree with you. And, typically I'm a very laid back wife who actively looks forward to her DH's golf breaks (one coming up, can't wait...).

But, I would feel decidedly uneasy if DH suddenly announced he had a new female friend, and was going out for dinner. And, I can't even articulate why (which is rare for me) I just know, it wouldn't sit well with me.

And, if a bloke decided to be-friend me, and then invited me out for a bite to eat...to be honest, I very much doubt I'd go? I don't think DH would be especially bothered...but, I would think it slightly inappropriate, and I would be {hmm} about the bloke's motives.

In my time, I've had the DHs of 3 friends make a pass at me - which I found very shocking, and upseting. And, during university I realised that even the most platonic seeming blokes generally wanted to jump you, if given the chance.

Gingerandcocoa Sat 20-Apr-13 11:40:27

YANBU

If they want to talk about work or whatever else they have in common, have lunch during a weekday, have coffee breaks etc. That's what I do with my male friends who I've met through work. My DH knows I have lunch with them on the odd occasion and doesn't mind. But WHY would I EVER want to have dinner with them without my DH and their wives???

sallievp Sat 20-Apr-13 12:19:11

Both me and my husband have many friends and colleagues of the opposite sex. we each sometimes go for dinner or drinks with them.
We trust each other and it is not a problem.
However, we try, where possible to invite the colleague home for dinner / to a party we are hosting now and again so the other partner can meet them. I am now friends with my husbands female colleague too which is nice.
I would not like it if my boss (male) who I go for drinks with brought his wife...all we do is talk / moan about work and other colleagues and she would prob be bored, and I would def think her jealous and insecure.
If someone is going to cheat, they will do it whatever!

sallievp Sat 20-Apr-13 12:21:16

Both me and my husband have many friends and colleagues of the opposite sex. we each sometimes go for dinner or drinks with them.
We trust each other and it is not a problem.
However, we try, where possible to invite the colleague home for dinner / to a party we are hosting now and again so the other partner can meet them. I am now friends with my husbands female colleague too which is nice.
I would not like it if my boss (male) who I go for drinks with brought his wife...all we do is talk / moan about work and other colleagues and she would prob be bored, and I would def think her jealous and insecure.
If someone is going to cheat, they will do it whatever!

sallievp Sat 20-Apr-13 12:21:58

oops posted twice!

MomsNetCurtains Sat 20-Apr-13 13:17:45

I think only you know your DH. He's away on business. He's having dinner with a colleague. He (maybe) didn't say anything as he knew you may be disconcerted about it. I don't really think anyone can give you advice as only you know the nature of the man you are with.

BOF Sat 20-Apr-13 13:34:52

He's not away on business confused.

specialsubject Sat 20-Apr-13 13:59:53

the issue is not that it's a woman, the issue is that he prefers to be out with someone else rather than being with you and the kids.

shock at the person who doesn't like her husband going out with a group of colleagues which includes females.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 14:15:55

He's not away on business. Why won't people RTFT ?

reelingintheyears Sat 20-Apr-13 14:20:28

I wouldn't mind a bit if DP went out for dinner with colleagues that included female company.

I would be pissed off and not a little concerned if he wanted to go out with just one female colleague socially for dinner.

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 20-Apr-13 16:34:29

I had a male work colleague that became a very good friend. We used to go out for drinks after work, then dinner, and sometimes back to his house for coffee. I thought he and DH would get on quite well, so asked DH to come along with us one night. DH now sees more of the friend than I do! grin

Ginger - why would you not want to go out for a drink/dinner with a friend from work? confused Would you do this with a female friend, but not a male one?

fallon8 Sat 20-Apr-13 16:54:47

Either get s baby sitter and go too or ask her to the house,,,ask her in for a drink/coffee anyway,,sets the ground rules

MomsNetCurtains Sat 20-Apr-13 17:29:42

basically my DH being travelling a lot he always gos out for drinks as part of social bonding at the end of the week which is fine but at the beginning of the week I was on the phone to him....

AF This is what made me think he was away on business. Sorry if I am wrong. I have read the FT.

MomsNetCurtains Sat 20-Apr-13 17:34:56

I read it as he was away on business so they did a social bonding 'lets have a few drinks' together at the end of the business week thing - in a foreign country 'let's bond' kind of thing. Maybe I am totally wrong - I apologise!

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 18:09:17

Perhaps Op will clarify ?

I will apologise if I am wrong too

There seem to be a few misunderstanding on this thread....

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 18:09:26

s

Euclase Sat 20-Apr-13 18:16:59

I wouldn't like it.

DH wouldn't do that and I certainly wouldn't do it to him. It would feel to much like a date to be out for dinner alone with a male friend.

PoshAubrey Sat 20-Apr-13 18:43:57

Dont think my dh would do this; if he did I wouldn't like it.

I speak as someone who doesn't bat an eyelid when dh has a drink after work with female friends, either in a group or occasionally just one friend. And very very occasionally he'll have a quick casual lunch with a female colleague. But there's something about dinner à deux with another woman which for either of us would be crossing a boundary, even if nothing untoward happened.

And I have a couple of platonic male friends. Dh is completely relaxed about this. It's simply not an issue. I'm closer to one than the other - we'd would have good conversations together etc. I'd have coffee or casual lunch with them in a public space, either alone or in groups, but wouldn't dream of initiating a private dinner with either. Nor would I expect them to invite me. They're both married but the same would apply if they weren't.

Solaia Sun 21-Apr-13 22:00:11

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest by my DH dining out with a female colleague. I am amazed by how many people would be. Colleagues can be friends. Friends can enjoy dinner together with fucking at the end of it.

My DH just got back from spending the weekend with a (very attractive) female colleague because of a hobby they share. Guess its a good job I'm not the jealous type...! smile

Bogeyface Sun 21-Apr-13 22:03:43

* Friends can enjoy dinner together with fucking at the end of it.*

Well quite....

Doubtfuldaphne Sun 21-Apr-13 22:06:13

Drinks-just about bearable
Dinner- no!

Solaia Sun 21-Apr-13 22:08:24

Oops, without fucking at the end...! blush

NonnoMum Sun 21-Apr-13 23:23:21

Regardless of any fucking or completely platonic not fucking, this is hugely disrespectful to you as his wife and mother of his children.

He is treating you like a maid whose job it is to raise the children look after the home whilst he has his fun and relaxation with another woman.

Ouchmyhead Mon 22-Apr-13 01:50:31

I've never faced this issue with my DP as he is an electrician and surrounded by men, however he has had to deal with it with me. I have a very good male friend, our dads are best friends and I've known him since I was 1, basically my whole life! When I first started dating DP he had massive issues with him, I refused to stop seeing my friend and instead just introduced them one day, then on another occasion we went to the bar where he worked for a few drinks and they got to know each other. Now I go out with him on my own for drinks/meals etc and there is no problem.

My (long winded) point is if she is a genuine friend then surely your DH won't mind if you ask to be introduced to this woman. I wanted to put my DP's mind at rest that there was nothing untoward going on, so I'm assuming your DH would want to do the same.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Apr-13 11:15:51

He is treating you like a maid whose job it is to raise the children look after the home whilst he has his fun and relaxation with another woman.

^This

Even if it is completely innocent (which I very much doubt btw) then his attitude stinks. You are his wife not his nanny, for a start nannies get paid and treated with respect!

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Apr-13 12:13:24

People draw on their own experiences when answering posts like this, I think.

There's a hundred different ways of seeing the same situation. Platonic friends do exist, without question. I've got one who I've known donkey's years, we've been asked if there's ever been more to it. Standard response is to look at each other, laugh and say nahhhhh" but there have been times it's been obvious my husband isn't entirely comfortable and it's really, really pissed me off because I know there never had been and never will be anthing more to it and it's made me resentful but hypocritically I think I'd probably feel the same. My initial reaction though is "sod off, bud, I'll be friends with who I damn well like".

If you're getting our own fair share of going out while he looks after the kids then it's a bit petty to bring the "at home with the kids card" too. Unless, of course you never get out and he's jollying off all the time. But that's a different issue imo. A new friend and dinner dates are crossing the line though.

Suppose some are comfortable with it and some aren't but a little bit of me still thinks it's bordering on wrong to take issue with our OH having platonic friends and if a friend truly is platonic then really, what's the big difference between dinner out with them and dinner out with a friend of the same sex?

I'm arguing with myself here.

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 13:45:48

These threads often get diverted by strawmen and discussions about situations that bear absolutely no relevance to the one in the OP.

What also comes out is a rather one-dimensional view of why people are unfaithful and how they present in real-life i.e. that they are 'cheaters' and that this marks them out as distinct from people who aren't.

As some very wise posters have pointed out, the vast majority of people who are unfaithful to their partners do so because of sliding boundaries and a lack of self-awareness. Prior to an affair, the people who have them are often adamant that they would never cheat and so the consistently under-reinforce their boundaries with new friendships. They believe themselves to be unassailable and invulnerable to ego-boosts, attention and the addiction of new positive feelings about themselves.

So whereas a self-aware person who knows that a new friendship could be dangerous will avoid situations that cross boundaries, the person who is not self-aware and is in denial about an addiction to the feelings he's already getting about himself will continue to put himself in situations that test his resolve.

The people who are most at risk of this are individuals who are already a bit selfish in their relationships and who tell lies of omission to their partners.

So the OP's individual circumstances all point to her instincts being absolutely correct. Her husband ticks the selfish box, he is not being open about these nights out and he is not being honest with himself or the OP about how vulnerable he has been to getting addicted to the friendship and the positive feelings it has engendered in him about him.

The colleague however sounds as though she is far more self-aware, knows that this is dangerous territory and therefore keeps putting up some boundaries, despite constant temptation being put in her path by the OP's husband.

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Apr-13 13:54:00

Sounds all very plausible Charbon, but it's an awful lot of conjecture about him isn't it?

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 14:10:13

Not really. There's loads of information in the OP's posts to go on. It's not conjecture to analyse why a person would not be open about arranging a one-to-one dinner date with a new colleague of the opposite sex, or to analyse why a woman with no previous form for unreasonable jealousy and suspicion feels a level of disquiet about being told lies of omission.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 22-Apr-13 14:32:34

Charbon, I have read quite a few of your posts and find them to be very enlightening in explaining why people behave as they do.

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 14:40:10

thanks

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Apr-13 15:31:24

But it's only analysing one half of the story, which I have no reason to doubt but human nature means people tend to put forward a version that will cause people to agree with them. Nobody but the man in question can really say how any of it makes him feel.

Maybe when confronted he'll be totally shocked she feels that way because as far as he's concerned it really is platonic/he finds the wart on the end of her nose really repulsive/she's absolutely not his type and ego massaging has never come into it.

Sometimes people need it spelling out to them because it just hasn't even crossed their mind that there would be/could be a problem.

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 16:18:29

I think when people keep things semi-secretive or secretive period, they know at some level that there is potential danger. Often such people will say it's because they don't want a spouse to 'get the wrong idea' but if a spouse has previously been completely trusting, unpossessive and open to the idea of mixed-sex friendships (the OP says he once lived with a female friend during their relationship) then the real reason for the secrecy is because a person wants to go ahead with a meeting/relationship without anyone forcing him to consider where it might be heading, or what he might be getting out of it.

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 16:39:53

So therefore bottle in your example of a totally innocent person who hasn't even considered another agenda, his normal behaviour would be to cheerfully announce to the OP that he's going out for dinner with his new colleague next week.

Instead, the OP had to ask several questions to establish information about her husband's planned night out. There's a reason for that, I should think.

CherylTrole Mon 22-Apr-13 17:34:14

Charbon is it possible that the OPs DH is actually doing some forward planning of an affair here? As in telling OP what he is doing so that further down the line he can say that he has already expained himself to her about what is going on? Like a future get out clause IYSWIM?

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 17:45:39

Yes that's entirely possible. As I think someone else said, affairs are often carried out in plain sight even with people who are family friends or relatives, or with friends on dates that are openly negotiated within the family diary. This gets around any gossip that might result if the 'friends' are seen out publicly. Often their partners are completely oblivious to the risk or worse, are quelling their suspicions and unhappiness for fear of being seen as jealous, possessive or irrational.

CherylTrole Mon 22-Apr-13 17:56:20

Charbon you are good at this! I reckon you could sort out most Mumsnetters problems grin

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 19:28:33

charbon is brilliant < arse lick >

although I did mention the plain sight thing many posts back

smile

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 19:41:35

So it was you AF!! I might have known smile. Thread was a bit long to scroll back and correctly attribute the quote when I mentioned that 'as someone else has said'. I should have just guessed and said 'As AF says....' grin

As you know, the compliment is doubly returned.

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Apr-13 20:01:08

I've got a habit of thinking things and assuming I've said them; so often my husband knows I'm going out but he's only got a vague idea of where or what the actual plan is (this is any night out, night with the girls etc...so literally nothing hide-worthy) and I'll end up getting frutrated with him thinking I've already told him five times. Does that make me secretive?

I just find there's always alternative explanations for what seems cut and dried a lot of the time and without his input on this to tell us how he feels then I prefer to err on the side of caution and not hang him out to dry as someone who is on the brink of an affair when it might be a million miles from the truth.

I've said I wouldn't be happy with the situation as the OP describes it but nor is it a forgone conclusion that some are making it out to be.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 20:07:59

grin

< puts tongue back where it belongs >

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 20:10:23

who has said "foregone conclusion" ?

Op asked for advice (and now appears to have done a runner, but hey-ho)

people are giving their spin on the situation, that's how it goes

Coconutty Mon 22-Apr-13 20:15:15

Nope, wouldn't like that at all but DH wouldn't expect to go out for dinner a deux with a new female friend either.

bottleofbeer Mon 22-Apr-13 23:28:22

Well that was my spin.

I'd be more worried if he'd blagged it completely but he didn't so we're going into what might happen territory because he showing the signs

Just that sometimes the signs don't point where we think they do.

Yeah they could fall in love over a dinner date but even if she is attractive etc... there's every possibility he still doesn't fancy her and his real wrongdoing here is being a bit thoughtless.

MansView Tue 23-Apr-13 12:55:16

just let them go out - and watch when harry met sally and have a bottle of wine... smile

CherylTrole Tue 23-Apr-13 17:03:35

Haaaa very good!
Oh for the simple life of a being a man.....

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 18:05:54

He's being "amusing" on other threads too hmm

Bogeyface Tue 23-Apr-13 18:08:42

Oh its "amusing" is it? I thought he was being a wanker! I stand corrected!

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 18:10:56

You are "not amused" BF ? You are clearly an uptight harridan.

MansView Tue 23-Apr-13 19:57:15

must be your time of the month then... <runs away>

AnyFucker Tue 23-Apr-13 20:17:54

grin

CherylTrole Thu 25-Apr-13 21:45:31

wine

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