To expect my friend to stop texting all the time when in my company?

(63 Posts)
jenny99 Wed 17-Apr-13 11:18:23

Had a lovely evening out last night with a close friend apart from the fact that every time her phone 'pinged' she looked at it and replied. Most were messages about play dates. It was approx every 10-15 minutes. I received a few messages too but ignored them.

She never used to do this but her iphone is her new BFF. I also have an iphone but I feel strongly that when in somebody else's company for a time it is only polite to give them my attention. I do check if the message is from my DS or school... aibu??

livinginwonderland Wed 17-Apr-13 11:19:47

ask her to stop. most people (myself included) do it out of habit, but i don't really "notice" it until someone points it out or asks me to stop, in which case i am always happy to oblige.

DIYapprentice Wed 17-Apr-13 11:21:11

Send her a message while with her 'thought this was the best way to get your attention...'

LeChatRouge Wed 17-Apr-13 11:23:49

jen I completely agree with you. Very rude. My friend will interrupt a stream of conversation if her phone beeps. I feel like 'So, that person who's not even in the room is more important than me?' Charming.

Next time, you could say loudly at the beginning of the evening. 'I'm going to put my phone on silent so we can have a good old catch up.' Hopefully, she will reciprocate the gesture.

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 17-Apr-13 11:24:24

I would have replied too - how long does it take? 30 seconds every 15 minutes? I think it's rude not to reply to texts for hours on end. YABU.

NinaHeart Wed 17-Apr-13 11:27:03

YANBU.
What's so important she can't put it to one side for an hour or two of your company? Is she trying to prove how jolly popular she is?

StanleyLambchop Wed 17-Apr-13 11:30:03

I would have replied too - how long does it take? 30 seconds every 15 minutes?

You obviously have not seen me trying to send a text! 30 seconds in my dreams!

BlingLoving Wed 17-Apr-13 11:31:20

YANBU. The point about a text is that it does not need to be returned urgently. It's like an email. LazyMonkey - you are wrong. When you are meeting a friend, you should be focusing on that person, not constant text messages. Just because someone texted to ask if you want to go for a drink next week, does not mean it has to be responded to within 20 minutes.

TheCraicDealer Wed 17-Apr-13 11:33:09

TANBU! One of my friends is like this, although it's usually men she's boffing rather than playdate arranging. Well, playdates of a different kind I suppose. She does it when we're having coffee, when we're watching telly, when we're talking, when we're walking along in town....it's almost a talent.

It's gone on for so long it seems like it's too late to stage an intervention of any kind- she either doesn't realise how rude it is (how?!) or she doesn't care.

MissLurkalot Wed 17-Apr-13 11:34:29

Do what DIY said, great suggestion.

MissLurkalot Wed 17-Apr-13 11:35:10

And, yes, very rude.

Sadgits Wed 17-Apr-13 11:37:52

A 'friend' came round to lunch and her phone rang during the meal. She talked to that person ( a friend, who rang for a chat,) for about 15-20 minutes during the meal. hmm Perhaps she didn't like me the meal?

Manyofhorror3 Wed 17-Apr-13 11:40:11

Rude. YANBU.

HighJinx Wed 17-Apr-13 11:52:17

I think it's rude not to reply to texts for hours on end.

I find this absolutely baffling. How can it possibly be rude to not be constantly available all the time?

Are people not allowed to have meetings, eat meals, sleep, meet with friends, go out on dates or watch movies without pausing to respond to every text?

HighJinx Wed 17-Apr-13 11:52:59

And YANBU

BlingLoving Wed 17-Apr-13 12:11:03

I have a friend who always without fail, will recieve a call from her DH while we are together. Of course, she answers it. But every time I am surprised (I know, I should learn) when they then proceed to have a 15 minute chat about their days, what he's doing at work etc etc.

I answer the phone from DH when I'm out. But the conversation usually goes something like:
Me: Hi
DH: Hi. Sorry, I know you're with FriendX, but Mark just called to see if I can work this evening. Will you be back in time to look after DS if I leave at 6?
Me: Sure.
DH: Thanks love. Love you. Bye.

angelos02 Wed 17-Apr-13 12:21:59

YANBU. None of my friends would do this but some people I know through work do. It might be as I am old enough to remember life before mobiles (I was about 25 when I got my first mobile). If out with friends, my mobile stays in my bag. I think it is really rude to answer/reply to texts while out with friends.

LeChatRouge Wed 17-Apr-13 14:14:50

I am fascinated by the notion that its rude not to reply to text messages. Is it a generational thing? I can leave texts unreplied for days, weeks even, until I think of some news or something interesting to say. If you reply, then they reply, then you reply, then they reply.......how do you ever get anything done? Or sleep?

ilovexmastime Wed 17-Apr-13 14:19:59

YANBU, I have a friend who does this and it's highly annoying. It also makes me doubt our friendship as she only does it when I'm talking! Sometimes I trail off just to see if she notices... she doesn't always.

Grammaticus Wed 17-Apr-13 14:31:08

I do that - stop talking until they stop texting. Still pisses me off though.

jenny99 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:12:27

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes, as some of you said, it just made me feel so unimportant and that she would rather be somewhere else.

I don't want to say anything - I'd rather know where I stand - not top priority. Sad thing is that I had sent her a couple of texts earlier in the day trying to arrange where we would meet etc and she didnt text me back sad

I don't want to make an issue with her just wondered if iwbu
xx

Ragwort Wed 17-Apr-13 15:18:20

leChat - yes, I think it probably is a generational thing, I didn't get a mobile until I was mid 40s and didn't learn to text until I was 52 grin - I can happily ignore my mobile for ages & frequently forget to take it with me (including the one time I broke down in the car miles from anywhere !) but it such a trend for young people to carry their mobile in their hand, not even in a bag or pocket I can never find mine when I receive a text or call.

helenthemadex Wed 17-Apr-13 15:40:03

it just made me feel so unimportant and that she would rather be somewhere else

tell her that!

YANBU very rude in my opinion,

elQuintoConyo Wed 17-Apr-13 15:43:40

Very rude, yanbu. I hate it. If I get a text/friend gets a text, one of us will say 'get that, if you like' if we're just chilling out, if we're having a proper talk about important stuff then we ignore.
If someone ignored me to answer texts repeatedly, I'd get up and leave after helping myself to their cake

x2boys Wed 17-Apr-13 16:18:27

my sister does this she is obsessesd with facebook and at our cousins wedding last year she was updating statuses and phtos etc every 5 minutes, very posh wedding and i was happily scoffing the very generous amounts of free champagne and canapes before the sit down meal [ and then the very generous amounts of any alcohol you might desire i digress] both my mum and i told her off she is 41 fgs!

Ragwort Wed 17-Apr-13 16:46:22

Did you notice on TV this morning, people coming out of Mrs T's funeral service and checking their mobiles on the steps of the cathedral? grin.

Height of bad manners to text/FB at a wedding (or funeral).

ElleMcFearsome Wed 17-Apr-13 16:50:54

Exactly what elQuinto said. I have my phone set to vibrate and check it when friend goes to the loo. I hope that's not rude! I really get irritated by the constant beeping of phones when I'm trying to spend time with someone, and don't get me started on using FB when you're with someone angry...

Bunbaker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:00:32

"I would have replied too - how long does it take? 30 seconds every 15 minutes? I think it's rude not to reply to texts for hours on end. YABU."

IMO only people who are full their own self importance do that. Do you really not think it is rude to constantly text other people when you are in company?

jenny99 YANBU. It is rude, extremely irritating and shows lack of respect to the rest of the company. Fortunatey most of my friends prefer to socialise face to face and only use their phones to make arrangements or just be available for emergencies

Wallison Wed 17-Apr-13 17:07:42

Jesus. Sometimes I don't reply to texts for days on end, never mind weeks. I admit that that is a bit slack, but it is nowhere near as bad manners as ignoring a person that you're with in favour of fucking facebook.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Wed 17-Apr-13 17:10:25

Very rude. I have a friend like this, she will also answer the phone and speak very loudly to whoever's calling. I have taken to leaving the room when she does it and she doesn't like that, weirdly!

Of course text messages don't need a reply instantly. If they did, the person would be calling.

Wallison Wed 17-Apr-13 17:18:08

I think it's just rude because what are you supposed to do while they're texting or facebooking or whatever? It makes me feel awkward and like a spare part.

fluffyraggies Wed 17-Apr-13 18:49:20

Fine to glance at your phone, IMO in case it is urgent. If it's the school tried to call (signal round here is rubbish) or DH or one of the DCs i'd read the text or return the call too.

If it was a text or missed call from from a mate (therefore unlikely to be urgent) i'd ignore.

OR - if it's just the odd text, an alternative could be to include the person you are with in the situation rather than just blanking them while you fiddle with the phone for an unknown length of time ...

ie: ''oh it's so and so texting - she wants to know xyz, i'll tell her a,b,c. What do you think?''

or something similar.

mimithemindfull Wed 17-Apr-13 18:57:43

Yanbu. I usually jokingly say 2 people who do this obvs u r finding my company very boring... They usually get the hint. I think it is indicative of the current culture but I don't think its a generational thing .

formicaqueen Wed 17-Apr-13 19:06:48

I tend to ignore texts and then at an appropriate moment (at bar?) scroll through them but not answer.

ohshutup Wed 17-Apr-13 19:08:23

yanbu it is ok to check who is calling or txting , but to reply or answer call is a bit off .

MintyyAeroEgg Wed 17-Apr-13 19:10:08

Yanbu. Its hideous. I completely despair on this subject.

Fillyjonk75 Wed 17-Apr-13 19:13:33

FFS, it's not rude not to reply to texts immediately! Surely the whole point of texts is that you just need to say something brief but it DOESN'T need an immediate reply? If you need an instant reply, actually PHONE them.

I have a friend who does this it drives me mad, he's constantly checking his phone and replying to any messages, doesn't matter if we're out for a drink or a meal, if its just us or if we're in a group, he's still always looking at his phone. We're good enough friends that I've told him it's rude but he still forgets himself he's just so glued to his technology. I've taken to confiscating his phone if he looks at it more than twice now grin

MintyyAeroEgg Wed 17-Apr-13 19:47:17

Yanbu. Its hideous. I completely despair on this subject.

digerd Wed 17-Apr-13 19:58:57

I just wonder if these people when together are all on their phones. What kind of social togetherness is that? Perhaps they just accept that is how it is?!

Wallison Wed 17-Apr-13 20:12:13
BackforGood Wed 17-Apr-13 20:16:21

YANBU - of course it's rude.
I would have said something though.

jenny99 Wed 17-Apr-13 23:13:56

Thank you for all comments. I will go with the majority vote and feel much better about that IA'NOT'BU smile

Love that link wallison!!

Bunbaker Thu 18-Apr-13 06:55:25

"FFS, it's not rude not to reply to texts immediately! Surely the whole point of texts is that you just need to say something brief but it DOESN'T need an immediate reply? If you need an instant reply, actually PHONE them."

So you go out with a friend or visit them at home and ignore them most of the time while you are with them so you can answer your phone? It makes your friend feel that whoever has texted is more important than they are.

How is that not rude?

everlong Thu 18-Apr-13 07:23:59

I bloody hate that and when someone answers their phone and starts and long conversation about shit

Rude rude rude.

crazyforbaby Thu 18-Apr-13 07:39:56

YANBU! I meet up with a friend for lunch about once a month. She chats to me for about five minutes and then starts fiddling with her phone. Within another 5 mins, she has totally drifted away from our conversation and has 'zoned out' focusing on the phone instead! TBH, I think I would prefer if she WOULD text or email someone, but no - she takes her 'latest model' (as she tells me smugly) and starts speaking a message into it. The voice recognition then transcribes her message to be sent. Only problem is if we are in McDonalds with the kids, the noise is so loud that the phone cannot understand what she is saying, so she roars repeatedly (boring) message into phone another 3 times!!! Aaargh!

SacreBlue Thu 18-Apr-13 08:19:15

A much younger than me friend does this. Ironically when we went out to markets and the traders, many of whom are also friends of mine, said hello and how are you, she walked off, later telling me how annoying it was shock esp shock as I introduced her and was including her in the conversation which is not something she does when taking texts or calls with me.

Trying to only meet her at the market might be a sound idea for the future - I can chat away to someone else if I feel ignored and she can 'ph-iddle' grin

Yonihadtoask Thu 18-Apr-13 08:22:45

YANBU.

It is rude. Dsis does this too - it drives me crazy.

Ragwort Thu 18-Apr-13 08:24:06

SacreBlue - I think that is a real trend these days in that quite a few young people have no idea of normal social interaction. I walk around the town where I live quite a lot and it is really obvious that the people who say goodmorning, exchange pleasantries etc are, in the majority, older people. I meet some mothers every single day on the same school run who just stare at the ground, (or their mobile phone), won't catch my eye, never reply to a 'goodmorning'. I expect these are the sort of people you read about who say 'they can't make friends' hmm.

SacreBlue Thu 18-Apr-13 09:00:06

You're not wrong there Ragwort. I think every generation must have something distracting from interaction tho - in my day it was tv. It was still relatively new (to us) and I remember being mightly hacked off when adults told me to switch it off when people visited. Also remember being made up when my older cousin brought home headphones and we were allowed keep it on with the sound off and take it in turns to listen via the headphones blush

By dint of my weakness for tv I didn't have one when finishing salvaging my degree so my son got to 7 without one in the house, he is still very social with people of all ages outside of his bedroom where he is usually entombed gaming

Gemini1974 Thu 18-Apr-13 09:03:46

YANBU. It is ok for a quick emergency text, but not for a whole text/verbal conversation. I have a friend who does this and I think it's because she wants to be seen as 'in demand'. Problem is, that she spreads herself so thin that none of her friendships have depth and no-one has quality time with her. I asked her last time if she would prefer it if I left and let her get on with it?

StealthOfficialCrispTester Thu 18-Apr-13 09:04:34

Bunbaker that doesn't make sense, I don't think confused

lovesherdogstoomuch Thu 18-Apr-13 09:29:18

my dear friend does it every time we meet. i don't want to be cross with her but am fed up with it. ive started saying things now. she will actually read out texts from other vague friends and start laughing at what they've said. jesus. boring. i think she's getting the hint that i'm finding it rude.

MintyyAeroEgg Thu 18-Apr-13 13:00:39

I went out to dinner with my best friend recently. We rarely have dinner together, alone, just the two of us, without husbands or children. Anyway, out comes her phone onto the table ("sorry darling, just in case its ds") and she answers 3 texts during the course of dinner. One from her dh who was at an event in London and has just been talking to a sleb - I forget who - and two from her ds, who is 13 years old and had that night gone to a sleepover with a friend. And each time, it was "oh do you mind if I just get this one? I know its annoying and bla di bla di bla". If there was anything urgent people would PHONE, surely! Drives me nuts.

Bunbaker Thu 18-Apr-13 16:01:34

Stealth

Sorry I confused you. I replied to the wrong post grin

Gerrof Thu 18-Apr-13 16:24:17

God no its really annoying. I hiss at my daughter if she tries this on when we are out.

I also think it's a bit strange the assumption that you have to reply to texts immediately. My phone lives in my bag on silent half the time, I answer them when I want.

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 19-Apr-13 21:00:33

it's good to know other people have phone etiquette. bloody rude otherwise. let's spread the word! grin

conkercon Fri 19-Apr-13 23:59:05

I popped into church on the way to work yestetday as I sometimes do. It is very peaceful to sit there for 10 minutes before the start of a busy day. I kid you not there was a man having a full blown conversation on his mobile in the church.

SAHRum Sat 20-Apr-13 00:21:43

I think it's really really rude - unless you are expecting an urgent text/call and then of course it's fine to take it. To those of you objecting, do you think it's a generational thing? I'm the wrong side of 35 but wonder anyone under 20 would think it rude to not reply asap even when in company?

lovesherdogstoomuch Sat 20-Apr-13 09:58:08

Conkercon, i would have had to say something. unbelievable!

jenny99 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:43:04

Unbelievable!!

Maybe it was a hotline to the greater powers?!!

zipzap Sat 20-Apr-13 13:11:26

You should have sent her a text asking if she prefers chatting by text rather than face to face or saying Oi, remember me? I thought we'd come out for a drink and catch up - didn't realise you meant to catch up with all your texts! grin

OK so those aren't particularly witty but I'm sure somebody here could come up with something much better :-)

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 20-Apr-13 13:25:49

I also agree that it's a generational thing. My mum would be appalled at people having mobiles at the table, for example, but DH and I would think nothing of having our iPhones around whilst we were eating.

In your friend's case, could it be that if she doesn't reply immediately then she'll forget? I know that since I had DD, I have a very 'do it now' philosophy as life just gets so busy.

I wouldn't read anything into you being less important to her than you were (though I can understand how you might feel like that). I think it very much depends on the social group you're part of, how others you spend time around etc behave. Not sure if I'm explaining this too well but e.g. my brother works in the media and his whole crowd are glued to their gadgets and devices permanently. This would be completely anathema to my friend who's an academic and can take or leave her mobile, doesn't reply to texts for weeks etc.

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