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to think this is rude? Wedding invite/Gift related.

(111 Posts)
DearJohnLoveSavannah Mon 15-Apr-13 16:05:42

I've been invited to a wedding in June, I used to be quite close to the bride (lived together for 2 years) however due to her moving away, busy lives etc we only get to chat now and again - mostly over email.

I got an invite to her wedding as an evening guest - which from the above of us not being as close anymore is totally fine. All day guests should be for family and close friends.

The part that annoys me is that included in my invitation was a gift list. I've had a look and the cheapest thing I could see was £60.

Is it cheeky to expect or hope that people who have only been invited to the evening reception to buy you something an all day guest would?

Floralnomad Mon 15-Apr-13 16:10:36

Personally I think its quite cheeky to expect anyone to spend £60 . Buy something off list or some vouchers .

CandidaDoyle Mon 15-Apr-13 16:11:19

YANBU. I think it's very cheeky to ask for presents full stop, especially when the cheapest is £60!

I think it is cheeky to ask guests to spend that much minimum, on a wedding gift. We did do a wedding list, but we made sure that there were plenty of things on it to suit all budgets.

CunfuddledAlways Mon 15-Apr-13 16:12:30

find a cheaper alternative to something on list? cheeky yes. i haven't got a gift list didnt send anything out with invites, my mum thinks i need to have one, i think that if people want to bring a present then they are welcome too but if not it wasn't expected anyway IYSWIM?

everlong Mon 15-Apr-13 16:13:11

I think enclosing a gift list is cheeky.

Vouchers? For the amount that you would have spent?

MaxPepsi Mon 15-Apr-13 16:14:13

I had a wedding list. It went in my evening invites also.

I hoped for but didn't automatically expect gifts from any of my day or evening guests.

I put it in as I knew I'd be asked about presents.

However the cheapest thing on my list was £2.99!!!

Where is the gift list? Just buy them a voucher for the shop?

girlywhirly Mon 15-Apr-13 16:15:50

Treat the gift list as 'for advice only' and get a present you can afford. I think brides should have a range of prices items really. Guests often ignore the list anyway and buy what they like, if you're not that close nowadays it shouldn't be a problem. If she takes issue with it then yes, she is being cheeky and unreasonable.

suzanski Mon 15-Apr-13 16:16:34

YANBU - that's outrageous! I think £20 is more than enough for an evening reception.

Bejeena Mon 15-Apr-13 16:16:57

I think it is definitely cheeky to include a list in all invitations to be honest. We didn't send anything with ours but people asked about a list so we did one after that and emailed them the info.

Why not just give money in a card say £20?

DearJohnLoveSavannah Mon 15-Apr-13 16:17:50

I don't mind gift lifts in general. They are practical, I'd way rather get someone something they actually wanted.

But I just think it's cheeky and yes to include that gift lift to evening guests.

Nice to know I might not be being unreasonable.

YANBU.

tumbletumble Mon 15-Apr-13 16:19:49

£60 is much more than I'd spend as an evening guest. Could you get something off the list but go halves with a friend?

arabesque Mon 15-Apr-13 16:34:23

My understanding was always that evening only guests just gave a small present, or clubbed together as a group (say if it was a crowd from work) to buy something from the gift list. Definitely you shouldn't be expected to buy as large a present as the people who will be at the drinks reception and the meal.

catgirl1976 England Mon 15-Apr-13 16:36:28

YANBU

Rude

Go off list

Still18atheart Mon 15-Apr-13 16:39:23

I agree with Dear John. I'd prefer to be buy something which I know they want.

However, YANBU about the whole cheapest gift is £60 thing

iklboo Mon 15-Apr-13 16:41:49

Definitely cheeky!

We've just been invited to DH's cousin's wedding. They have been together 9 years & have two children. Their invitation says:

DS is welcome
They don't want any gifts. Our company is enough for them OR we can donate to their favourite charity.

Do we need to report them to anyone for this?

grovel Mon 15-Apr-13 16:51:57

That's the point really, iklboo. Wedding lists date back to the time when couples were probably living with their respective parents before marriage. They needed tons of stuff to set up a home together. Nowadays most couples are either living independently of their parents or co-habiting.

middleagedspread Mon 15-Apr-13 16:55:04

We were sent a gift list from Harrods no less. I bought 2 forks. I figured that other people would too.
I do hope that they use MY forks and think 'why thank you MAS' everyday.

LineRunner Mon 15-Apr-13 17:03:50

I had a cute evening invitation from a friend recently. 'Greg and I are getting hitched. We are combining two homes. If anyone wants any of our copious stuff, please come and help yourselves. Otherwise just turn up and have a ball.'

We are doing a "friends' collection" and putting in £10-£30 each, depending on who is skint/not so skint, and will give them the cash in an envelope from 'your friends'. So stress-free.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 15-Apr-13 17:09:30

Definitely think vouchers for the same shop is the way to go. Any sum you care to donate. In my day people proffered a gift list for guests stuck for ideas, it wasn't rigid.

LineRunner Mon 15-Apr-13 17:13:43

A toast rack used to be an acceptable gift. Or a towel.

Anything with a plug was like winning 'Bullseye'.

Bearwantsmore Mon 15-Apr-13 17:16:10

Going against the tide here... but it is possible that there were cheaper items on the list which have already been bought? This always happens to me as I tend to leave it until the last minute to go online to buy the gift then end up with a choice between a candelabra and an ornate punch bowl or some such.

I agree though, the gift list should be treated only as a guide and you should feel free to get your own thing!

They still are acceptable gifts. I've bought towels, toasters, kettles, bedding, all the boring stuff, for mates who needed them.

I've also bought stuff like bulbs for the garden, or fancy tea, or DVDs or books, for people who'd set up home yonks ago but mysteriously hadn't turned into wankers in the intervening time.

It's the people who ask for a 120 quid fancy device as the cheapest option, or a donation to a holiday in the Maldives, who piss me off.

Fluffy1234 Mon 15-Apr-13 17:24:34

I'd just give a bottle of champagne.

Did you get to the list the day it opened? I ask because a small number of our guests bought all the smaller gfts on our list as a job lot, so only moe expensive things were left very quickly. Though our very expensive was £25 items, not £60.

Pixieonthemoor Mon 15-Apr-13 18:16:30

I think I am massively in the minority but I LOVE gift lists!! I would never dream of stepping over the threshold without a present and, if I am going to spend £X, I am very pleased to know that I am choosing something that the B&G need/want and not wasting time and money picking something that either they already have, don't want or don't like.

Having said that, when we compiled our gift list, the person helping us advised that we should have a massive variety of prices. The smallest amount was £2.50 which was for ramekin dishes in case a young cousin, bridesmaid etc wanted to buy a small gift! £60 is quite rude or grabby and I say that as someone who likes lists!!

CloudsAndTrees Mon 15-Apr-13 18:18:26

I don't mind gift lists, even for evening guests. You'd still take a oft as an evening guest, so I can't see the problem with being given a gift list.

The problem is with the list itself though if the cheapest thing on there is £60. There are plenty of useful household things that everyone could use hat cost significantly less than that.

Kundry Mon 15-Apr-13 20:01:19

I think gift lists are OK, even for evening guests. However the bride should have made an effort to have a range of prices on the list - I had things costing from £4 to £200 (I didn't actually expect anyone to buy the £200 item but though it was worth a try!)

MamaBear17 Mon 15-Apr-13 20:22:24

I got married a few years ago and, as we had lived together for 2 years, we didnt want to put a gift list in to our invites. However, when we mentioned this to people, they kept telling us that we had to either register for gifts or give them an idea as to what they could get us as they wanted to get us a present. In the end, we put a note in the daytime invites saying no gifts were expected, but if people wanted to get us a gift we would appreciate vouchers for Thompsons as we were planning a belated honeymoon. (No poem, just a note!). However, I didnt include a 'note' with the evening invites because I thought that would be rude as we wernt inviting them for the day. I also didnt put the note in to my elderly relatives invites because I didnt want them to buy a gift at all as I knew they didnt have much money. Some day guests bought us presents rather than vouchers - we got some gorgeous photo frames which we were thrilled with. Many of the evening RSVP's came back with 'we would love to come, where is your gift list?'. When we said we didnt have one we ended up with lots of vouchers for different shops which was a lovely, unexpected surprise. Having been through it, I really feel like it is such a minefield really. No one gets married just so that they can register for gifts though, so I really think you have to set your own boundaries and decide what you are prepared to spend regardless of the gift list or money request. If you dont agree with their request then ignore it. We tend to spend £40-£50 if we are invited to the whole day (and if there is no gift within budget we give vouchers) and between £10 - £20 if we are invited as an evening guest.

mumofweeboys Mon 15-Apr-13 20:56:22

Is there a chance the cheaper stuff has been brought? I had to add more lower price stuff to mine as all went within a couple of days. Most wedding list with shops have the option to buy gift vouchers.

raisah Mon 15-Apr-13 21:36:06

When I got married I was given lots of lovely bedding & towel sets which I am still using today. We did have a list at Debenhams & Argos (for dh gardening & DIY supplies!) People were under no pressure to buy & its the thought that counts. People are too materialistic & grabby nowadays whilst imposing the most shocking/invitation rules & bridezilla type behaviour.

Fudgemallowdelight Mon 15-Apr-13 21:46:20

I would give vouchers for the shop where they are holding the gift list, for them to put towards ones of the items.

Trillz Mon 15-Apr-13 21:48:37

YABU to immediately think of rudeness. If you like someone enough to go to their wedding, give them the benefit of the doubt.

A gift list is merely a suggestion. You are allowed to get something else.

Often you can also buy vouchers for the store the list belongs to.

As has already been said - there may have been cheaper stuff that has already been bought.

Lindyhopper29 Mon 15-Apr-13 21:50:48

I would give them gift vouchers of an amount you're happy with from the shop of their wedding list, if that makes sense

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Mon 15-Apr-13 22:02:08

I don't think it is rude at all.
you are under no obligation to follow the list,
I agree, buy a bottle of bubbly or something like it.

thermalsinapril Mon 15-Apr-13 22:59:34

YANBU. Ignore the list and choose something else.

Yanbu shock, wedding lists are all fine and dandy but to actually quote exact items with prices is beyond cheeky and somewhat grabby!!!
Buy her something of your choice, and something to suit your personal budget.

apostropheuse Mon 15-Apr-13 23:04:50

YANBU It's rude and tacky to ask for gifts at all.

It's good manners to graciously accept what, if anything, you're given.

GW297 Mon 15-Apr-13 23:11:16

I won't spend more than 20 quid as an evening guest.

spilledmilk Mon 15-Apr-13 23:23:11

We're I am from it is rude to expect gifts at wedding. It is also rude to not bring gift worth less than 10 present of months wage.

expatinscotland Mon 15-Apr-13 23:26:14

Decline! That is cheeky.

sashh Tue 16-Apr-13 03:36:01

I went to a wedding a few years back and was actually given a gift by the groom in the middle of his speech.

That's my kind of wedding

Gooseysgirl Tue 16-Apr-13 03:44:41

We give £20 for evening gift, either cash or voucher for shop where gift list is. We had a gift list for our wedding but we didn't send it with our invites. We told guests about it if they asked.

nextphase Tue 16-Apr-13 03:57:15

Is there anyone else from the house share who you could club together with to get to £60? Or go off the list!
We wouldn't spend that on most people.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 16-Apr-13 04:19:06

I have no problem with gift lists at all - they make a great deal of sense, because as we all well know, no-one pitches up to weddings without a gift for the B&G - it's part of the joy of the day, giving a present.

But including gift lists in with the invitation - day or evening - is akin to asking for a present, and that is Bad Form in my book; you just simply do not do it.

If people want to get you a gift - and the majority will, so no fear of missing out - they will ask, and this is when you produce the gift list.

We didn't have a list and stipulated no gifts in the small print, but in hindsight this was a mistake, as people genuinely want to bring a gift, and do tend to prefer to be given some sort of idea. In the end, most people gave us a cash and/or pitched in to a big group to give us vouchers for a local gallery. And potentially spent more than they might have liked to, which was the exact opposite of my intention by having no list. blush

But so much is my abhorrence at the idea of asking for presents, that this was the route we I went down. :-/

Anyway... YANBU.

Kytti Tue 16-Apr-13 05:35:09

Buy them a towel. That's my wedding gift staple. grin

LouiseD29 Tue 16-Apr-13 08:03:25

YABU - planning a wedding is a minefield and everyone is different. Don't waste your energy taking offence - just do what you want to do and get them, or not, as much or little as you feel is appropriate. They would BU to mind.

bishboschone Tue 16-Apr-13 08:05:44

Usually on shop wedding lists there is an option to buy vouchers for that shop. I agree though its rude, I didn't have a wedding list or ask for money . I hate them.

Gooseysgirl Tue 16-Apr-13 11:21:53

Towels are fab gifts Kytti grin You can never have too many of them (although my DH says I'm worse than Monica from friends with all my 'varieties')

mylittlesunshine Tue 16-Apr-13 11:49:17

I think the amount is quite cheeky, I would personally buy vouchers for the place they set the list up with.

I feel really nervous now about our gift list, we weren't going to do one but people kept asking for one so we have just set one up. I've made sure there are lots of things from £5 upwards and I wouldn't be fussed if people didn't want to buy us anything, it seems however our families find it easier to buy from gift lists.

angelos02 Tue 16-Apr-13 11:52:36

I wouldn't expect an evening guest to buy a present at all.

GobShizz Tue 16-Apr-13 12:01:55

Go. Don't go. Buy a present. Don't buy a fucking present, but STOP JUDGING YOUR FRIENDS, people! It's not the bridal party who look like arseholes when you do.

Arranging a wedding is one of the most stressful things you can do (empirically proven), along with arranging funerals, getting divorced, and moving house. If you wouldn't be this judgemental about those things, why be this judgemental about this?

It's not YOUR damn wedding.

kickedatschool Tue 16-Apr-13 12:14:43

smile

this was my argument at our wedding. a list of things desired, sent out only on request from guest and not until, including a range of things at different prices and not from a specific shop where a potato peeler, say, may cost £9. apparently his half of the family (pils/sil) were not happy at all... my half were relieved they could pop down to wilkos and get a couple of towels for less than a tenner. still got those towels. they are doing well nine years on!

the cheapest at £60 is unaffordable.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 12:23:41

Well, it could be there were cheaper things on the list but day invites got their invites first, have already logged on and bought all the more reasonably priced things... Check at the bottom, does the gift list give the chance to buy vouchers? I believe most do so that the B&G can use those to get any of the bits they would have most liked from the list but didn't get.

Remember, you are under no obligation to get them anything, you don't have to. If you would get them something, then get vouchers for that shop to the value of what you would like to spend.

DearJohnLoveSavannah Tue 16-Apr-13 12:58:21

Well in the invite it pretty much said (I don't remember the exact words without looking because it was a poem)

That basically they would either like something from the list OR a generous donation towards their honeymoon.

Think I might just give them some Euros.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 13:03:27

I've been invited to two weddings recently as an 'evening only ' guest.

Both included gift lifts with their invites.

I also thought this was cheeky (incidently, I am on another thread at the minute, as getting married, and we don't even have a guest list! We would just love people to come and appreciate how much it costs just attending a wedding)

I bought a present for both. Not off the list, but I had a look at the list to get an idea of their taste. I also made sure that I bought something from somewhere where they could take it back (John Lewis, M&S in this case) if it wasn't to their taste.

Best bit. Neither bride has sent me a thank you card. Or said thank you. So actually, I rather wish I hadn't bothered!!!!

Given that I didn't get food/drinks as an evening guest, it really did cost me to attend their special day.

If you want to, get them a gift. But honestly, don't feel obliged. Don't let it affect your view of whether you want to attend or not though.

GobShizz Tue 16-Apr-13 13:57:41

Neither bride has sent me a thank you card. Or said thank you. So actually, I rather wish I hadn't bothered!!!!

Oh, now, that IS crappy. Mind, it's taken me two months to send out my own thank you's. WIBU?

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 14:02:21

The gift list being distributed to the evening shift is beyond cheeky.
Wht are you actually invited to, in the evening? Basically a bar, where you can buy your own drinks, while listening to some shite 70's tribute band...
If you're not a close enough friend to merit being wined and dined at the reception, I wouldn't even go think a gift is needed.

mirai Tue 16-Apr-13 14:02:52

I hope not GobShizz as mine will be about the same!! smile

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 14:05:06

Mother of Jesus!! shock. They asked for a generous donation!
Did they use the word generous or did they overstep the boundaries of good taste even further by actually specifying the amount????

It takes bloody ages to do thank-yous.

It gets on my tits when people with a large budget buy several small things from the list, rather than one big thing. The whole point of small things on the list is so those on small budgets can spend small amounts. Argh.

I think picnic blankets are good wedding presents. My most memorable off-list gift.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Tue 16-Apr-13 14:09:19

Please don't go off-list. They've almost certainly got a house full of stuff and don't want any more stuff that they don't need or want. If they did need or want it they'd have put it on the list. Give them £20 worth of Euros if you want, or just a card and buy them a drink on the day.

Angelico Tue 16-Apr-13 14:15:37

I actually like gift lists for whole day invitations, although I do feel free to ignore them. But for an evening do - no way. Like Horry's idea of picnic blanket smile And ditto Horry to idiots buying up all the small items - we deliberately had some small items for a fiver or tenner on our gift list and one of the wedding party got us a hundred quid's worth of small items instead of one larger item, leaving nothing under forty quid.

TeeBee Tue 16-Apr-13 14:15:58

Write out card, attach cellotape, then stick it to any random present when you arrive. Problem sorted!

Weegiemum Argentina Tue 16-Apr-13 14:21:18

We had a (personally made up not in a shop) list.

In our invites we had an information sheet - map to church, directions to venue, suggested accommodation (£20+ pppn in 1994), number to ring for info about gifts if you wanted (my dad held the list).

We got pretty much everything on our (quite short) list, plus lots of vouchers for places we like and some cash/cheques.

And from good friends, some amazing personal gifts. A lovely Latin American painting from a bunch of guests who had done a work team with dh in Bolivia. Small bookshelf with 5 of their fave books from a school friend I'd done CSYS (A-level) English with. A fondue set from people we'd visited for a fondue which we loved. A hand-made table warming-tray from dh's (ironsmith) grandfather. 2 amazing Chinese paintings a friend had bought for us in Chengdu while on an exchange visit).

The list you are facing is a cheek. Either give vouchers/cash or if you know them well, something you know will be appreciated!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 16-Apr-13 17:50:05

Please don't go off-list.

See, I hate this attitude. And you never know if you're dealing with a bride who thinks like this. sad

Some of our friends have fabulous taste and I loved some of the pressies we got (again, didn't have a list). Likewise, DH and I have really gone out of our way for friends we're really close to and know well to get things we hope they will really love, and will use (even if just for special occasions) or display for years to come.

There's something so pedestrian and functional about some wedding lists and part of the joy of giving to someone you love and know well is really thinking about them, their personalities and what they love, and getting a gift to reflect that. Not all of us have hideous, Waterford crystal-esque taste.

'Please don't go off list' seems so grabby and ungrateful to me.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 16-Apr-13 17:57:15

YANBU. £60 is not a cheap present. It's quite cheeky. That's why I prefer it when they request money or vouchers (that way you can choose the amount). I would give a voucher for the shop indicated on the wedding list.

BigglesDraper that's my feeling really.

Mind you, one relation bought us a rolling pin (among other requested kitchen utensils) because it wasn't on the list "and everyone needs one". We already had one...

Off list gifts have to be one-offs or very carefully planned - we had a particular mirror on the list, so a friend bought a matching photo frame from the same range; another friend bought us a breadmaker which we didn't know we needed (it has had soooo much use).

Letitsnow9 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:25:45

Is it that she hasn't put anything cheap on the list or have all the other people going to the wedding brought up all the cheaper options?

GreenLeafTea Tue 16-Apr-13 18:34:10

Lots of lovely things for around the thousand pound mark. Just get them an ash tray ;)

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 18:37:32

I got some fabulous Waterford Crystal, DonDraper, (didn't have a list), it's not exactly useful, but it's definitely not hideous.
Just felt I had to make that point, I actually totally agree with the essence of your post smile

DragonMamma Tue 16-Apr-13 19:01:30

I think £60 minimum is really cheeky for an evening guest. We had a small gift list and the cheapest thing was £10 and the most expensive was £100.

Funnily enough, I'm in a wedding gift dilemma myself - somebody who I lived with for 4 years and has been one of my best/closest friends came to my wedding last year. She shared a Travelodge for £19 with her fiance and another friend (so not extortionate and one of the reasons we chose our venue was that it was within walking distance - not expensive to attend as lots of free booze. Anyway, she gave us £20 as a gift in a card. Which is a lot less than I give for a day event, especially for a close friend.

Anyway, her wedding is coming up and I'm not sure whether to give her the same or give her what I would usually? Her wedding is costing a lot more to attend as is split over venues and everybody has to get taxis because of the way she has worked everything out.

Floggingmolly Tue 16-Apr-13 19:03:11

Give her £20.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 21:13:04

gobshiz Yes! You are being unreasonable!!!

I had a baby and managed to get over 50 thank you cards out by the time the baby was 3 weeks old. I was exhausted, in pain and dealing with a newborn. BUT it's good manners to say thank you in a timely fashion.

You only got married! Your priority should be saying thank you to those people who had generously got you a gift imo.

I say I wish I hadn't bothered, because four months on, I still haven't had a thank you...

Wishwehadgoneabroad Tue 16-Apr-13 21:14:06

OH. and imo it's crappy not to say thank you hmm

SirChenjin Tue 16-Apr-13 21:17:03

We only gave a gift list to those who asked for one - I don't think it's really 'on' to just stick one in the invitation. Plenty of people chose to buy their own gift rather than asking for a copy of our list, which was brilliant - we were just very grateful for anything we received.

I think £60 is far too much to expect people to spend, so I'd just do my own thing and give vouchers or something else in my price range.

WafflyVersatile Tue 16-Apr-13 21:18:10

gift voucher for £20. It might have been sensible to say on the list 'or gift voucher contributions' and, for that matter '..or nothing at all. no gift necessary'.

echt Tue 16-Apr-13 21:20:28

I think it's vulgar and bad manners to include a gift list in any invitation. If the invitee (is that a word?) asks what they might buy, then sending the list is OK.

twooter Tue 16-Apr-13 21:20:59

Go traditional, and get them a toast rack. I bet they haven't got one.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Wed 17-Apr-13 09:24:18

What's grabby about preferring no present to one that won't be used? It's the opposite. It's grabby to say "I don't mind what you buy me, whether I like it, have room for it, can use it or not, I just expect a present."

MorrisZapp Wed 17-Apr-13 09:31:02

One good tip for evening do's is to take your favourite tipple along in a gift bag, and hide it under your table. When the disco kicks in, nobody will notice you serving yourself your own drink.

A very nice lady was doing this at a do I was at last week! Hotel bar prices can be £££ so why not.

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 10:04:44

dondraper - see, it would be rude of a couple to say "don't go off list" but for someone else giving you the advice, this is vv good advice! If a couple have done a list, then this is a list of things they want/need. If you get them something that's not on the list, then either you are risking getting them something they have already got, something they don't want or something they want/need that isn't quite right (so they need bedlinen, you've got one colour which they'll use but they'd prefer bedding to match their bedroom colour scheme etc). Or you accidentally get something that's on the list, but as you don't buy it from the list, it is still on there as avaiable to buy and they end up with two of the same thing.

Plus if you go off list you risk going into the nicknacks territory. I always find it odd that so many people think they should know how other people should decorate their house.

Jins Wed 17-Apr-13 10:11:45

It's always list or vouchers for me. We didn't send a list out but we were asked for one. There were things ranging from £1.99 (and we'd have been more than happy with nothing) but we ended up with a hideous array of vases, photo frames and pink towels. It's such a waste of money.

GobShizz Wed 17-Apr-13 10:33:28

"I had a baby and managed to get over 50 thank you cards out by the time the baby was 3 weeks old. I was exhausted, in pain and dealing with a newborn. BUT it's good manners to say thank you in a timely fashion.

You only got married! Your priority should be saying thank you to those people who had generously got you a gift imo. "

Did you know that tradition dictates that you actually have twelve months to get wedding cards out, as you are meant to include a photo of the day in wedding thank you cards? Pre-digital wedding photos used to take months to get back from a wedding photographer. You know, also, of course, that it takes a while to actually receive the presents from a wedding list provider, too?

The advent of digital photography means the photo side of things takes less time these days, but still. We had cards custom printed from one of the official photos, as we wanted them to be a proper memento of the day rather than a geenric "thank you" from a supermarket. If any of my guests consider me lazy for not getting custom cards out to them within eight weeks of "only" getting married, then fuck 'em, frankly.

mirai Wed 17-Apr-13 14:23:23

Gob, same here, we're just waiting for the photographer to finish the photos then we have to get the cards designed, printed and delivered, and then written and sent! Thanks for the moral support! smile

GobShizz Wed 17-Apr-13 15:47:25

You're welcome Mirai! Congratulations on "only" getting married!

We recently received a thank you before the wedding for our gift of vouchers - the list was so long that I wanted to let the B&G choose what from their incredibly long list they actually wanted as they would otherwise only get part sets of everything they wanted (20 place setting dinner service anyone?).

I thought it was a bit odd to write a thank you in advance. I thought the point of thank yous was also to thank people for attending and reminisce about the day and overwhelm the B&G in their first weeks of married life and start as you mean to go on with the bride nagging the groom to do his ones. So please could I have the MN collective judgement on this.

expatinscotland Wed 17-Apr-13 18:29:12

I've had generic texts and emails as thank you's.

And also had nothing at all.

DeskPlanner Wed 17-Apr-13 18:46:32

Dragon, give £20. Doesn't really matter what she gave you, but if her wedding is costing you loads, £20 is more than enough.

thermalsinapril Wed 17-Apr-13 19:50:20

> If any of my guests consider me lazy for not getting custom cards out to them within eight weeks of "only" getting married, then fuck 'em, frankly.

Hear, hear.

Also, guests shouldn't be surprised if they don't receive a thank you, if they haven't attached the gift label properly so it falls off, and the couple then have no idea who it's from!

sukysue Wed 17-Apr-13 20:57:32

You got a poxy evening invite (that all and sundry go to) with a few bits of Iceland food for an apology of a buffet fter (usually)and they want a pressie for 60 quid...... they are taking the piss! I personally wouldn't go.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Thu 18-Apr-13 17:33:06

hmm

Well, we're not in the dark ages now! Photo cards can be made super quickly. My photography knows we will be using one for the thank you cards, and is getting us that one print within the week so that cards can be sent by 3 weeks after the wedding at the latest.

By only getting married...I mean..it's not like you're tired, in pain or otherwise have distractions! All the hard work was up to the wedding now. You really have no reason not to get thank you cards out imo.

To think you can just take all the time in the world, but still find time to cash people's cheques is rude. (that's the bit that always amuses me..people find it quite easy to get to the bank to cash £50 but can't get a simple thank you card out!)

MumOfTheMoos Thu 18-Apr-13 17:34:44

The gift list is not unreasonable but the lack of lower value items is.

In the first few weeks after your wedding you are supposed to be too busy on honeymoon and then having continuous glorious triumphant earth-shattering mind-blowing sex to have time for anything else.

The old rules come from when the DH went straight back to work and DW kept the house and had nothing better to do with her time than handwritten thank-you notes...

I think you should just buy what you can afford or how much you want to spend, regardless of whether you're invited to the whole event or just the day.

We once bought a very sweet couple a nespresso machine for their wedding. They threw it on the list thinking never in a million years would anyone buy it. At the time we could afford it, and thought that it would bring them much happiness as they don't have much. And it does! We'd even put off buying one ourselves due to cost!!

Wishwehadgoneabroad Thu 18-Apr-13 17:46:41

Good manners shouldn't go out of fashion imo. Just saying! grin

LippiPongstocking Thu 18-Apr-13 17:50:57

Wishwehadgoneabroad "By only getting married...I mean..it's not like you're tired, in pain or otherwise have distractions!"

How on earth could you possibly know that? Are you psychic? Do all brides do fuck all after getting married? Is it the fifties? Do no brides have jobs? Do no brides get married when they're ill? Do no brides have babies of their own?

Well done you for giving birth and saying thank you so quickly. Hopefully one day people will realise your suffering and give you the biscuit you so richly deserve

Moominsarehippos Thu 18-Apr-13 17:54:14

You can bet that all the £60 items have long gone and you're left with the £150 avocado bowls of grapefruit spoons.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 18-Apr-13 18:38:42

i love lists as means the couple are getting something they want rather then 10 toasters

saying that £60 is a huge amount

as others have said maybe cheaper stuff went first

get vouchers for the store they have chosen or as you said euros for honeymoon, tho depends where they are going, may not use euros

ZenNudist Thu 18-Apr-13 18:45:32

I included gift list with evening invites. But I didn't expect anything per se. At the time I didn't mumsnet so I had no idea it was 'cheeky' I just thought it standard and never thought anything of other people for doing it.

There's no obligation to get a gift for an evening do. Personally if I like someone I want to buy them a wedding gift. It will be remembered for years afterwards.

Mind you I do still remember certain people who didn't get us anything!!!!

Moominsarehippos Thu 18-Apr-13 19:27:28

We once got a wedding list from Harrods and it was made clear that this was what they expected (well they could expect all they wanted as far I was concerned). The cheapest thing on the list was over £100 and we were all in our mid twenties.

They were up their own derrières though, with an extremely lavish wedding, well over a thousand guests and the wedding was over within two years.

Moominsarehippos Thu 18-Apr-13 19:28:06

Don't get me wrong - lists are great and very useful but sometimes they can be compiled and presented in an extremely grabby way.

Really? shock

When I use things, I think "awwh, N gave us this casserole dish" or "Uncle J gave us this mirror". I didn't compare my list of thank-yous to write against the guest list hmm

Moominsarehippos Thu 18-Apr-13 19:51:05

I suspect this pair did. They were definitely the type. The wedding was a nightmare of onemanupship and dress/jewels comparisons.

Allthingspretty Thu 18-Apr-13 20:15:52

Buy some tea towels and toothbrushes from the pound shops. Always handy

<not helpful>

Floggingmolly Thu 18-Apr-13 20:36:18

Probably handier than an over priced piece of crap from Harrods.

Allthingspretty Thu 18-Apr-13 20:42:24

If you wanted you cpuld always personalise the tea towels grin

Floggingmolly Thu 18-Apr-13 21:10:39

Actually, we got a set of "his and her" (our names) hand towels, which naff as they sound, I really loved. Used them till they wore out smile

Kytti Fri 19-Apr-13 02:39:41

You see, I had a gift list, but it had tons of cheaper stuff from £10.00 on it, and a voucher option. Ten years later and I still have 90% of it. (The rest having been smashed by small children. Tsk!)

I quite like them, but think they shouldn't ask for cash or really expensive things. £60.00 is taking the piss. Asking for cash is crass.

I still think you should go with a towel. grin Or a voucher for the shop for £20.00 or something.

clarasebal Wed 18-Sep-13 19:33:54

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