Holiday with my two best friends - AIBU?

(52 Posts)
grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 17:37:21

DP doesn't want me to go, got angry when he found out earlier.

I don't understand what his problem is and wish he would just trust me.

He is absolutely amazing most of the time too, he seems to think that there is an issue because my friends are single. They are lovely though and not caners, he has met them both and gets on well with them, both female.

Am I unreasonable to wonder if I'm in the right relationship? This is the man who lied about being divorced from the mother of his kids for a year and a half (found out on Facebook!)

He often accuses me of making myself up to be more attractive to men (I do it to look and feel good for myself)

Am I being totally selfish? I'm 28, he is 40 if that makes a difference.

ThingummyBob Fri 12-Apr-13 17:39:45

I think I've read a thread of yours before.

Imho it sounds like he is a controlling arse from what you have said sad

Calabria Fri 12-Apr-13 17:42:29

I had this with my (older) ex. It pushed me away from him in the end.

awkwardsis Fri 12-Apr-13 17:42:33

Oh goodness, get rid. He sounds a total arse. Ime, and this will be shot down no doubt, the women our age I know with partners your dps age are with very controlling, inadequate men who have sought out someone younger than them to control. I know of at least 3 sad

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Fri 12-Apr-13 17:45:08

Liars often find it difficult to trust. They apply their own standards to others. People cheat if they WANT to. If you wanted to cheat, you could - anytime. The holiday is in itself irrelevant. His issues, his to address.
Have a great time.grin

ENormaSnob Fri 12-Apr-13 17:45:29

Get rid.

somuchforanindiansummer Fri 12-Apr-13 17:46:44

Get rid

Ragwort Fri 12-Apr-13 17:48:31

Get rid.

He sounds jealous and controlling and he's a liar (what are his good points?) hmm

CocacolaMum Fri 12-Apr-13 17:49:05

The age doesn't really make a difference, the problem is that he cannot be trusted and is tarring you with his brush! Get rid of him now before he screws you over again

maddening Fri 12-Apr-13 17:51:53

Get rid before you waste half your life on a tosser

Dump him now. He's a controlling liar who wants to stop you spending time with friends.

kinkyfuckery Fri 12-Apr-13 17:53:00

He sounds incredibly low in self-confidence and like he tries to control you out of fear of you finding someone better.
Can you live with that forever?

I would end it now. Things won't get better. My favourite age was when I was 28 and single smile

MammaTJ Fri 12-Apr-13 17:54:30

Insecure, jealous and possessive. Trying to make that your problems rather than his.

That red flag is so big it can be seen from space.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 17:55:19

Thanks for your replies, the difficult thing is that he has so many good points! He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, is really sweet, we get on so well most of the time that we practically have our own language.

I just hate it when he gets like this. If I sound immature it's because I probably am with regards to things like this. Have only ever had one other relationship, it was for seven years.

So, I'm not being selfish to want to get away with my friends for a week? I've saved up enough so that I can go away with him too smile

seriouscakeeater Fri 12-Apr-13 17:56:24

The fact he is saying you get dressed up for other men is a HUGE red flag, one of my exs was like that. Its steadily got worse I ended not even going on holiday with my family because of him.

My DH would never dream of saying anything like that...infact he is going to Vegas for a stag and im going Portugal for the hen next year and its no problem.

Honestly take the advice of the rest of the posters, I wasted 4 years being with that knob face.

No your not being selfish, he is

Tee2072 Fri 12-Apr-13 17:57:36

He lied about being divorced? hmm

Get rid.

DeepRedBetty Fri 12-Apr-13 17:59:54

Some of the knobbiest men (and women) in the world can be absolutely lovely when they want to be. Otherwise intelligent sensible people wouldn't fall for them in the first place!

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:02:29

He did Tee, we got together and he told me he was divorced from his ex (I get on well with her but don't see much of her). I found out a year and a half later.

Ill be the first to admit that I'm not perfect myself, I don't get jealous but I am quite untidy, forget things and generally make the place look untidy.

The thing is, I love him so much. It would kill me to leave him. I really really do love him, I just hate the jealousy, he's also very jealous of my best male friend.

I was in a brief relationship with an older man and he was THE most jealous person ever.

Don't like the sound of your partner at all - especially the lying part

foosty Fri 12-Apr-13 18:09:05

you make the place look untidy?

Did he tell you that?

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:13:29

No foosty but I can turn an immaculate room into a cluttered space within ten minutes of occupying it. Not deliberate at all an I do try to get better at it. I have aspergers but am very high functioning.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 18:16:29

I don't like the sound of your DP at all.

One of my friends always ends up with blokes like this - they hate her going anywhere with me (even when I wasn't single) because I am a bad influence and I attract too much male attention hmm. TBH that's bullshit and it was far more about them wanting to control her and shitting themselves she might go off with someone else.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:49:41

Really don't know what to do

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Fri 12-Apr-13 18:51:35

Jealousy is a very unattractive trait. Really don't like the sound of this one, TBH, OP.

Ragwort Fri 12-Apr-13 18:54:12

the difficult thing is that he has so many good points! He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, is really sweet, we get on so well most of the time that we practically have our own language. It would kill me to leave him. I really really do love him hmm

All that sounds like a giant red flag, why are you so engrossed in each other's lives, you sound like love sick teenagers.

The fact that you have already only had one other significant relationship (7 years) and you are only 28 ........... have you lived alone, enjoyed your own company or do you 'need' to have a man in your life?

Sorry if that sounds harsh but this does not sound like a loving relationship between two equal partners. To me it sounds that he is so controlling that he has 'made' you feel this way about him. That is not healthy.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:57:30

Ragwort, I'm not at all offended and you are quite right. I've only had one other relationship, the fact that I've never been on my own was never a conscious decision though. Believe it or not, I'm very independent, have a good job, lots of good friends. We're not co dependent or anything. I had that before and know the difference. This latest thing really doesn't feel right though and I'm trying to be mature and make the right decision; hence my op

seriouscakeeater Fri 12-Apr-13 19:03:15

Op this thread is going to be hijacked very soon with lots of posters shouting ''leave the bastard!'' and I hate those. Some times Op's come on just to vent a little and get things of there chest and it quickly turns in to a massive DP bashing. In this case though...

In your Op you have listed 3 red flags in this relationship and I think you all ready know that its not healthy.

I would leave ( and did after toooo long) but have a feeling you least be adamant that you are going on the holiday, and go.

Good luck, think your gonna need it .

foosty Fri 12-Apr-13 19:07:09

ok, sorry I misread that. But anyway, he sounds bad. I had a jealous boyfriend once and it was hellish - I couldn't ever go out without him without a huge stink, and one time I was in a club and spotted him standing in a dark corner, alone, staring at me <shudder>

The thing is, this won't get any better. He wants you doing as he pleases, which is why the thought of you going on holiday without him is causing such an issue. He can't control you if you're not by his side. You might feel loved and cherished at the moment, but believe me it's only a matter of time until you feel smothered and controlled.

Get rid, then go on holiday and have a ball. Be single - it's brilliant if you want it to be!

JaceyBee Fri 12-Apr-13 20:18:26

In answer to your question, no you are definitely not BU.

I wouldn't necessarily say you have to leave him over this, but you really should make it very clear that you can and will be going on this holiday. He may be jealous and jealousy feels awful but it is HIS problem, don't let him make it yours.

He will just have to sit with the anxiety and tolerate it. You can reassure him that you love him and have no intention of cheating but I think if you give in to him on this it will be the start of a slippery slope and you will end up conceding more and more ground.

I think this may well set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Assert your right to independence now!

JaceyBee Fri 12-Apr-13 20:20:18

Am slightly envy myself, wish I had 2 single friends. They're all popping out babies now and I'm a single mum. Actually, can I come with you? grin

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 21:07:33

Jacey, the more the merrier!

Saski Fri 12-Apr-13 21:37:42

My husband is like this intermittently. It's not a good quality. It will get worse.

maddening Fri 12-Apr-13 22:57:15

Well if you are determined to stay I would suggest counselling as a couple - he needs to sort out these issues.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 23:19:49

Never said i was determined to stay. After the horror of my last relationship, I'm reluctant to suffer in a similar way. Just wanted to check I wasn't being u

schoolgovernor Fri 12-Apr-13 23:31:45

Go on holiday. It will give you a bit of time and space to reflect on your relationship. If he really kicks up about you booking it and life gets really unpleasant then you've got your answer.

schoolgovernor Fri 12-Apr-13 23:33:04

p.s. It wouldn't kill you to leave him.

quoteunquote Fri 12-Apr-13 23:42:42

Alec Guinness voice on,

This isn't the man you are looking for.

Alec Guinness voice off.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:24

Now he says he sees this as the end of the relationship. I'm useless and I don't do anything for him

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 11:03:19

Thing is, it makes me feel so shit. He says I am clearly not invested in him, that I don't care about him and that my friends are more important. I saved enough money to o away with him too. Of course he is my priority.

squeakytoy Sat 13-Apr-13 11:18:19

He is a control freak.. let it be the end of the relationship, because believe me, it wont get any better, all he will do is isolate you until you have no friends, and rely completely on him.

You are not useless. And trust me, he is NOT amazing.

sparkle12mar08 Sat 13-Apr-13 11:31:34

Run, and don't look back. Don't waste the next couple of years um-ing and ahh-ing over it and then find yourself alone in your early thirties having to start again.

Pigsmummy Sat 13-Apr-13 11:35:30

I was with a man for 11 years, I worked and was successful in the travel industry requiring trips away, however the grief I got from him when going away was so awful that I tried to avoid the (fantastic and free!) trips. I finally left him and regret staying so long. I wished that I had taken every trip going now! Go for it and tell him that he can't dictate to you about this holiday.

Incidentally this ex is single still, 12 years after I left him and lives with his Mum now.....

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Apr-13 11:42:53

YANBU . You just appear to have fallen with an arsehole.

YonirockandrollbutIlikeit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:43:18

YANBU. Get rid.

Hopasholic Sat 13-Apr-13 11:46:53

Call his bluff then. He really is a controlling manipulator.

Things won't improve as you'll start doing thigs for a 'quiet life' if you let him dictate to you.

DontmindifIdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:01:30

If he says it will end your relationship, then tell him that's his choice, but that you think he's being a controlling bully and so if he wants a woman he can control, then it's probably best you end your relationship now as you'll be leaving him for that later. Or he can deal with his insecurities.

Did his ex cheat? Can you point out to him if you wanted to cheat you could in the UK easily, so he has to think about what he wants, to always be single because he can't trust someone else, or to accept that he can't control anohter person's behaviour, just trust that they will be faithful.

It's now not about the holiday, this is going to define the rest of your relationship. If he's forced to confront his desire to control you and realise he can't, then you might have a future, if not, then what's the point being with him? He'll make you miserable for the rest of your life, the laughing until it hurts etc will become fewer and further apart.

Personally, I think you'd be better off ending this relationship, but it's your choice, just don't back down on the holiday. I'd also say one "I bet you cheated" type comment from him when you come back and you will end your relationship there and then.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:23:43

Thanks so much everyone. I can see how feeble I must appear just from reading my posts back. I'm definitely going though. Have just booked! Am also enrolling on a boot camp scheme to get buff and feel good. I think it's about time. I'm a songwriter (only well known locally) and the majority of my songs lately have been so sad. Says something right there. I really love this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him laughing, making music and cuddling. I'm devastated it will never happen but have to remove myself from an ea environment. You guys have been really helpful smile

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:13

Shit!! I added paragraphs and they disappeared. Fail confused

gonerogue Sat 13-Apr-13 12:31:59

Just wanted to say well done on recognising the situation and getting out of it before you are too deep. Enjoy the holiday.

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Apr-13 12:42:30

Well done OP!

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