to think that 2 weeks is to soon to introduce someone new to your kids

(67 Posts)
cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:22:19

Ok so Ive fallen out with my friend as shes met this new man on the internet and introduced him to her kids. Is this too soon or am i just being a bit silly. Anyway I voiced my opinion and now she wont talk to me...

Finola1step Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:35

No YANBU. Way too soon. But.. Why is she no longer talking to you? Did she ask for your opinion?

Shoesme Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:43

This is one of my bug bears too, I honestly don't get why parents just can't wait until they introduce the new partner to the children. What happened to getting to know someone properly before you invite them into your life.

willyoulistentome Fri 12-Apr-13 12:31:23

YANBU. Its Waaaay to soon

yaimee Fri 12-Apr-13 12:31:30

I think it's too soon but I suppose it'd depend on the circumstances, if they'd met in passing and weren't aware of who he was (just though he was a friend or something) then it wouldn't be too bad.
Unless I was asked I wouldn't think it was my place to say. She isn't endangering her children or anything!

Sidge Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:06

Introduced how?

As in, he came to pick her up for a date and as he was at the door she introduced her children to him e.g. "this is Pete, we're off out for dinner"?

Or "Meet Pete, my new boyfriend who is staying over tonight"?

Big difference.

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:38

she asked for my opinion as I think that certain members of her family have also expressed concern.

squeakytoy Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:39

suppose it depends exactly how he has been introduced..

if you met a new friend, regardless of gender, would you hold back from introducing your children to them? it would be too soon to say "hey kids, this is your new stepdad!", so it is all in the context of how it was done really...

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:45

It would depend how they were introduced, as a friend, or as a partner, and also if it was a passing meeting or if he is now hanging about the house all the time.

I think you should mind your own business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but its her life, her kids, her choice.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 12:35:48

Way too soon, and very selfish.

Xposts.

If she asked for your opinion then she is BU.

livinginwonderland Fri 12-Apr-13 12:37:25

met in what way? met as in "this joe, a friend of mine" or "this is joe, he's my new partner". there's a difference. the former is absolutely fine, but the latter is wrong so early on. you need to be secure in your relationship (i'd say 3-4 months in is acceptable) before you start introducing children from past relationships into the equation.

MsBella Fri 12-Apr-13 12:38:26

In some ways I am not sure about this any more..
I mean it would be fine to introduce a new friend to dcs that you'd only met a couple of weeks ago
I'm starting to think that as long as you're not saying 'meet your new daddy' every few weeks then its fine! I can't see a bad effect it could have, mummy is allowed boyfriends

MsBella Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:03

Forgot to add - as long as the man isn't changing things a lot for the kids, as long as their lifestyle doesn't keep changing because of boyfriends and also definitely not moving into the home or anything like that after a short time

GoingUpInTheWorld Fri 12-Apr-13 12:41:21

I think its far too soon.

I think the reason people introduce new partners to their kids so early on as if you don't have anyone who will mind your kids regularly then that means your new partner cant come to the house, or as a single mum you may not be able to afford to keep going out so its easier for them if their new partner can come to the house

Floggingmolly Fri 12-Apr-13 12:43:11

Two weeks! And she met him on the Internet... She sounds a bit desperate for it to work, hope she doesn't get burned.

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:43:31

I just think that yes she can have boyfriends but surely she can see them for a bit away from the kids?. Just my opinon but there you go.

MsBella Fri 12-Apr-13 12:45:09

I'm wondering what negetive effects people think it could have on dcs?

IceBergJam Fri 12-Apr-13 12:45:13

I went bowling with my DH and his two boys after a few weeks. I'm their stepmum now, and they have a half sister. We are a happy family.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 12:50:54

Absolutely none of your business!

It sounds like you're doing your friend a favour by backing off from her, if you can't keep your judgmental opinions to yourself.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 12-Apr-13 12:54:22

why does she want to

agree if he is picking her up and she just introduces him as this is Dave we are going out for dinner fine

but all going out together what is the rush if it is meant to be it will happen in time

How easy is that though? Does she have a lot of free time and money?

Its incredibly difficult for single mums to form new relationships.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 12-Apr-13 12:57:10

I am a single mum

you have to make it work for yourself before you get your children involved it also smacks of desperation to want new partner to get involved with your children so soon

diaimchlo Fri 12-Apr-13 12:58:43

If the OP was asked for her opinion by her friend, then her friend made it her business IMHO....

YANBU at all it is way too soon, especially with an internet relationship, it does affect the children. My ExH did the same thing to our children and in the process lost his relationship with them. They all made their own mind up as to how they felt.....

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:38

tobylerone- Please read the whole thread first before adding comments like this ! She asked me for an opinion .

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:46

I agree, wannabe.

Children are introduced to new people all the time. It doesn't exactly scar them.

Unless the new partner is coming in, trying to discipline the child(ren) and taking up all the parent's time, I don't really see a massive problem in principle.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 13:00:46

I missed the part where she asked.

But I stand by what I said. You are being judgmental and it really isn't your place. I would trust my friends to do what they thought was best for their child.

IceBergJam Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:10

It's only on mn that people feel this is an issue. The people I know in rl just get on with their lives, do what they need to do, and it all turns out fine. Not sure what the difference is. Guess mn attracks more people who have experienced issues.

CondimentCentral Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:57

I was 9 when my parents split up, & my Mum was meeting a new guy every week (mainly speed dating etc), & everyone single one was introduced to me. I didn't care - I was 9! I barely turned my head away from the tv for enough time to grunt hello. And if I do say so myself, I've turned out quite well as an adult grin & certainly not traumatised or unable to form positive attachments as a result.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 13:04:50

In my opinion, the negative effect on children depends on the relationship.

If a mother is meeting men on the Internet and inviting them into her home after two weeks, there are the obvious dangers, but apart from that it is going to be unsettling for children and be detrimental to teaching them about healthy relationships if it happens frequently. Children can tell the difference in their Mum when she is with a regular friend and someone she is trying to make a good impression on, so it is better that she is comfortable and knows a boyfriend reasonably well before he is introduced to her children.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 13:09:17

it is going to be unsettling for children and be detrimental to teaching them about healthy relationships if it happens frequently.

We're getting into specifics now, but I have deliberately taught my children that long-term relationships/marriage are not the only healthy forms of relationship. Casual dating is absolutely not an 'unhealthy' thing to do, obvious caveats notwithstanding.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 13:14:52

Casual dating isn't an unhealthy thing to do at all, but casual dating to me involves being out of the house. My children had no need to meet any of my casual dates when I was a single Mum, so I kept them away.

YANBU, she doesn't know him from Adam.

BruthasTortoise Fri 12-Apr-13 13:22:39

My DSCs Mum has had I'm sure 15+ boyfriends in the last 3 years, each one has been introduced to the kids and it's had no discernable effect in them. To them the men are largely interchangeable. I think there could be a problem if a parent is introducing a series of long term partners into their children's lives, but for short term relationships I'm not sure kids are that bothered.

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 13:27:19

Depends.

DS was with me when I met DP. He was asleep in the buggy, DP took me for a cup of tea, DS woke up half way through. So he met now DP a few hours after I did. He had just turned two at the time.

I don't see any harm in that, because we regularly meet up with friends of mine he either hasn't seen for a long while and doesn't remember, or hasn't met before.

When DS woke up and saw DP, I said, "DS, this is X, a friend of mine. We're just having a cup of tea. Would you like a drink?". Same as I do whenever we're out.

So... If by introduced you mean a quick hello / goodbye situation then I don't see the problem. If you mean they've sat down and had a family dinner together, then it's a bit odd.

HairyGrotter Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:21

I'm a lone parent, and it can be very difficult to start a new relationship etc, however I find 2 weeks very soon. How much time did she spend alone with the fella?

My daughter has no true concept of dating, she has seen me go 'out' with different men but they've never had any form of a relationship with her other than them being my mates, like my girl mates.

However, sometimes folk fall in love very quickly. All circumstantial. I'd rather my chi,d had a healthy understanding of casual relationships and casual sex etc!

Fairylea Fri 12-Apr-13 13:44:02

If it's just "this is my friend so and so" then what's wrong with that? You wouldn't hesitate introducing dc to a new friend if it was a female so why a male? They don't have to know it's a boyfriend, and obviously you don't act all physical in front of the dc as that would be a bit full on. But to let them meet mums new friend.... so what?

I was a single mum and dd met dh after about four weeks when I hoped it was going to be a very long term relationship (dd was 7). We all went out to the cinema and dh and I just said we were friends and dd had a brilliant time. Gradually we all spent more time together and she clocked on to him being my boyfriend and we have been together many years now and also have ds 10 months together.

It's a difficult one but for me I didn't want to leave it too long as if they didn't get on the relationship would be over for me andI would rather know sooner than later.

I think you were a bit out of order to tell your friend what you thought, it's implying you think she's a bad parent.

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 12-Apr-13 13:57:30

You really haven't given enough information about the situation for anyone to make a useful observation, if it's just visiting and meeting up, then she's fine.
If it's 'This is your new dad' then she's not.
Adults are allowed to have friends even if they have children too.

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:47

Fairylea- Im not sure how her asking for my opinion now means I think she s a bad parent?

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 14:04:06

Not enough information to judge. As others have said.

teacherandguideleader Fri 12-Apr-13 14:11:46

I was with my ex for about 3 weeks when I met his son. He was having a BBQ for his birthday and wanted his family and close friends there. His son was only 2 at the time. It was fine and had circumstances been different we probably wouldn't have met. There were lots of people there so it wasn't an 'intimate' occasion.

I guess it can be sensible to meet the children early on - I remember my ex being quite pleased that I was interacting well with his son - if someone hadn't it would have been a deal breaker for him.

yeayea89 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:04

I totally agree cuteboots
My sister recently met some guy off the Internet and introduced her 3month old baby's boy on her risk meeting with the guy and has been pretty much living with his mum and him! We've been worried sick, but nothing we can do! We don't even know where he lives

yeayea89 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:03

First* not risk

headinhands Fri 12-Apr-13 14:21:17

Can't give an opinion until you give more info op.

Fairylea Fri 12-Apr-13 14:24:47

Cute - I said because you told her she was wrong (I'm guessing that's what you meant by "voiced (your) opinion" that she will feel you are implying she's a bad parent by making poor parenting choices. That is why she feels upset etc etc.

BruthasTortoise Fri 12-Apr-13 14:32:11

I do believe that the MN standard for introducing kids to new boyfriends/girlfriends is 6 months, on some threads I've seen a year bandied about as a reasonable time frame hmm. As it is she asked your opinion, you gave it, she's huffing and she is being unreasonable. Shouldn't ask if you don't really want an answer.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 14:33:48

Far too soon, but then on the basis that I see people changing who they're in a relationship with on FB in pretty much a monthly basis, I have come to realise that I am probably out of step with the J Kyle generation...

If (and when) I meet a man worthy of being introduced to my DC, it will be at least 6 months into our relationship. any sooner is just madness imo and (as these 'intense' things normally crash and burn...again going by FB...after about 2-3 months) best keeping DC out of it to avoid unsettling and/or upsetting them.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 12-Apr-13 14:38:20

YANBU, far far too soon. Six months minimum I would say. Children dont need a series of new partners being paraded through their lives.

However people have different standards and different ideas of what a relationship is. Friends should be able to be honest with each other and disagree at times.

BenjaminButton172 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:42:02

This is a big bug bear for me too.

For me i would wait six months before introduing them to my child and only then as a friend.

My ex tried from day one to involve his gf. He now doesnt see his child because he couldnt get his own way.

It is just unfair on the children.

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 14:43:55

fairylea- I wasnt really judging her as a parent. Just a bit concerned about some random man getting involved with her kids. Her kids her choice at the end of the day

AmberLeaf Fri 12-Apr-13 14:46:39

So many variables to this sort of situation, so it's hard to say really.

I think the age of the children has a bearing too.

Personally, it's not something I would do.

As far as Im concerned, introducing partners to children is something you do when you know that it is a serious relationship and when you are 'sure' as can be about the other person.

That doesn't happen in two weeks IMO.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 14:49:13

There is a safety concern too. People are not always what you think, especially if you meet them via OD, rather than friends/work etc.

A friend of a friend was dating a bloke a few years back, met him via OD, seemed nice enough, bit of a 'troubled' past - told her he'd been in prison but gave the impression it was stupid teenage stuff. Bit of googling (by us) showed it was MUCH more serious than that, and when she knew the truth she ended it. Luckily she didn't have DC but honestly after 2 weeks how well can you know someone or what skeletons they may have lurking!

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 14:50:18

Circumstances have a lot to do with what's acceptable I think. Two weeks for a guy off the Internet is just stupidity I think, but I only waited about 4 moths when my dc knew dh as my boyfriend. I had known him for years though, we had a lot of mutual friends and he had already met my dc a few times before we got together and interacted well with them. I was as certain as I could be that it was going to be a long term relationship, but I still wondered if I was doing the right thing at the time. Prior to that I'd had a boyfriend for 2 years. He never met my dc because I knew it wasn't going to last.

WestieMamma Fri 12-Apr-13 15:19:25

As others have said, it all dependents on the circumstances. 2 weeks for a stranger off the internet is very worrying for me. But my daughter was introduced to my now husband at the same time as I was through a mutual friend at a community event.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 15:55:31

So is it only internet weirdos who can be a threat to our children now?

If you meet someone in the supermarket or through a friend, they'll never be a weirdo, obviously.

hmm

Toasttoppers Fri 12-Apr-13 16:40:40

My Mum was dating when I was 13. She started seeing a bloke, he was staying at our house pretty much straight away. He walked in to my bedroom totally naked, fortunately my friend was on a sleep over and she told him to F off. My bedroom was on a different floor of a three storey house. It wasn't a mistake, she really put myself and my little sister at risk on more than one occasion.

AmberLeaf Fri 12-Apr-13 16:42:30

I think regardless of where you meet someone, rushing into things is a red flag.

It shows lack of caution and judgement and IMO that is something that is a bigger threat to children [and their Mums] than the issue of where you meet them.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 16:46:50

I think what I meant in terms of how you know someone was more that after 2 weeks I probably wouldn't feel comfortable with even having someone new in my home, let alone if my kids were there. That would be different if it was a friend or work colleague I had known for years for ex. Having said that, I wouldn't rush into things either way.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 16:53:29

Toasttoppers how awful for you and your sister (and your friend on that occasion) sad

Someone I know vaguely in RL who does this introducing after a week or two thing has a very pretty teen DD. They are always out in pubs etc together (even though her DD is under 18 - but thats a whole other thread) and she puts photos of her and her DD on OD sites. It makes me massively uncomfortable.

Toasttoppers Fri 12-Apr-13 18:17:28

Thanks Velvet my Mums head was in a very bad place at the time. She drank far too much and went out often leaving us alone, dsis was 9. She also took in male lodgers twice, needless to say the police got involved at one point. Really could have done with social services intervention.

Your friend putting her DDs photo up is incredibly worrying.

headinhands Fri 12-Apr-13 18:19:57

Someone I know vaguely in RL who does this introducing after a week or two thing has a very pretty teen DD

Oh god that's dreadful, we all know only attractive children are abused/attacked. Luckily all my dc's are hideous so I can sleep well at night.

woopsidaisy Fri 12-Apr-13 18:20:57

Well if it is good enough for Katie Price....

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 18:27:25

headinhands possibly I didn't make my point well. I certainly didn't mean that a child's looks have any bearing on child abuse. The mum I mentioned seems to me to use her DD as an accessory when she's out on the town, or in her OD photos, I found that disturbing. I rather suspect if her DD had braces and spots like most teens she wouldn't be doing it (and it makes me uncomfortable that she is. Children of any age should not be in ones OD photos!)

LittleEdie Fri 12-Apr-13 18:30:33

I don't see a problem if they're just introduced as a friend.

Smithsgirl88 Fri 12-Apr-13 18:30:41

Partners ex met someone on the Internet a few weeks back and has already had him staying weekends with all kids (partners included). Each to their own, but I wouldn't do it myself, however, when this same woman is moaning because I got introduced to the kids a year after first starting seeing partner it seems kind of hypocritical. Which makes it even funnier is the fact that partner was apparently a "bad parent" for moving me in 4 years into our relationship.

DrCoconut Fri 12-Apr-13 18:46:06

DS1 was 5 when I met DH. We were away on a hobby related trip at the time and so DS met him when I did. We didn't rush things and DS was always there really. DH moved in after a year and we got married 2 years in. We have known each other 9 years this summer.

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