to feel judged that I have 4 DCs......

(44 Posts)
SlowlyWakingUp Fri 12-Apr-13 10:38:08

Not only on here, but in RL and by my own toxic family too and I am sick of it!

DD1 - very much planned, mortgage arranged and house bought before the pee stick was dry.
DD2 - died at birth.
DSs 1 & 2 - twins, could hardly plan for having 2. They were conceived 6 weeks after we lost DD2, a grief shag if you will. I had just gone back on the pill but it obviously had not kicked in. I was in deep grief and shellshock at that point and did certainly not wish to become pregnant again, in fact I was shattered when I discovered it.
DS3 - I never got over the loss of DD2 and felt immense guilt that had missed out on a sister. As I got older I had a massive misplaced urge to have another baby girl to 'replace' DD2, in fact I had another DS (very much loved as they all are). I was devastated when I found out it was to be a DS but have since had counselling to deal with the loss of DD2 which I should have had 12 years ago but I got caught up in my new pregnancy and put my grief to one side. I would never have had another DC if that had not happened and only someone who has lost a DC can understand what I felt.

Please do not judge people on how many DCs they have and their perceived 'irresponsibilty' of over populating the planet. It is often much more complicated than that they simply 'selfishly' WANT another DC.

SlowlyWakingUp Fri 12-Apr-13 10:39:51

should be * felt immense guilt that DD1 had missed out on a sister*

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 10:39:59

Really?

I have 5 dc. I don't feel judged.

higgle Fri 12-Apr-13 10:42:54

3 of my close friends have 4 children ( incl one set of IVF twins) I've never given it a second thought. Now you mention it the fact that 3 of our little social group have none at all sort of levels it out. I have two sons and would have liked a third child, but life somehow got in the way.

holeinmytights Fri 12-Apr-13 10:43:04

So sorry for your loss.Xx

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:43

Ive got 3 ds and would love another. If I saw a mum out with her 4 dc Id think how lucky she was..so no judging from me. smile
Sorry for your loss x

janey68 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:59

This is relating to your other thread isn't it? I don't think people are judging at all tbh, simply stating facts. The more children you have the more expensive (and problematic) it tends to become, particularly if you wish to continue working as you say in your other thread

We'd have loved 3, but stopped at 2, precisely for those reasons.
Be content with your choices And don't worry about what others do

MrsPatrickDempsey Fri 12-Apr-13 10:45:07

What exactly makes you feel judged? I can't really imagine why - sorry.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 10:54:12

I've never noticed any judgement of people I know that have four children. it's a shame that you feel this way, especially if its your own worry rather than what is actually happening.

I can't imagine any reason why you would be judged for having four children unless your family was unemployed.

ruledbyheart Fri 12-Apr-13 10:54:38

Im always getting judged in RL I have 3 under 5yrs and pregnant with DC4, I'm only 24yrs old so get a lot of comments and looks, but stuff them I say its your life and yes maybe over population is a problem but me only having two children wouldn't change that, my sister only has one and my two older siblings have none so it evens out nicely.

Sokmonsta Fri 12-Apr-13 10:57:37

Why are you feeling judged? I have 4dc. All planned but never at the time they arrived iyswim. Pregnancy 3 was dts here too.

I have had some looks and more comments along the lines of 'double trouble' 'bet you've got your hands full' 'don't you have a tv' (mine were 4 under 4 when dts arrived.) but that's from people who are probably more genuinely interested but don't actually know what to say without sounding stupid (are the twins identical, err. No, one's a girl and one's a boy, see?)

I think you feeling judged perhaps relates to your feeling of replacing your dd2, even if it is now resolved. It's an understandable reaction on your part. I also guess you may have come under some form of depression. I have pnd following the twins. It skews how I feel people perceive me and I do often think more negatively.

Startail Fri 12-Apr-13 11:29:43

I try not to judge the sizes and make up of people's families or their age gaps. You can never know the reasons, unplanned PGs, infertility treatments and losses they may have suffered along the way.

If family who know about your DD still judge then that is simply wrong.

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 11:40:04

I have had 6 children, my son and my daughter both died within a few weeks of being born so I have 4 children here with me. I understand the family judgement, in fact with my last pregnancy a family member said 'I assume you are getting sterilised now' instead of congratulations upon hearing my news. But I never get judgement (that I know of) from the outside world or on here.

In the gentlest possible way I am a bit upset about your I would never have had another DC if that had not happened and only someone who has lost a DC can understand what I felt. comment though.

I have spent years explaining that my children are individuals and not replacements for my son and daughter.

Nearly every bereaved parent I know has had a 'oh well just have another one' type comment aimed at them at some point and has been very upset by it, or they feel that their child has been forgotton when they have another baby. Those comments, as you are probably all too aware of, are so hard to live with anyway, but people will feel justified in saying them if they feel that our children are 'replacable' so for you to express that feeling on behalf of us all isn't really helpful.

Are you still continuing with the counselling? It really sounds like you have a lot of other issues going on with your family and your feelings so hopefully you are still attending and getting some help with that.

I am so sorry for your loss flowers

PatFenis Fri 12-Apr-13 11:44:50

I have 6 DC but have never felt judged, that's probably because I don't really give a shit for other people's thoughts on the size of my family. Quite frankly its nobody elses business how many children you choose to have so let them judge away and you enjoy your children.

coldwater Fri 12-Apr-13 11:45:53

I have 9 children alive, one dead. My first baby died when he was 4 months old.

Yes i feel judged by people (not on here as i rarely post) but in public people are so rude and ignorant. Openly counting my kids out loud like they are bits of meat and the comments! Shocking.

I would never speak to people and ask the personal questions i get thrown. Just because i have more than two kids i am not public property and a bit of respect would go a long way!

Ashoething Fri 12-Apr-13 11:46:14

Op-it is not really the done thing on mn to start a thread about a thread-even if it is your own.

Also you are being very disingenuous-people on the other thread were NOT judging the fact that you have 4 dcs at all. They were questioning why you kept choosing to have dcs with a man who doesn't respect you and also how that fits in with your determination to return to work. Your posts were full of contradictions and that's what people were confused about.

Ashoething Fri 12-Apr-13 11:47:57

Ps op-as I said on your other thread I would love a dc4 but I have also lost 3 dcs and had 3 miscarriages too so technically I could have had 9 dcs-so hardly going to be judgemental about a large family am I?

specialsubject Fri 12-Apr-13 11:48:41

who is judging you? You bring them up, you support them, where's the issue?

I am STAGGERED that someone who has lost a child would be told 'just have another one'.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 12-Apr-13 11:54:38

I have 5 ds, ds4 died mid pg. I always said number 4 would be my last but now I have 4 here with me I still sometimes still feel like I would like more.

I think for me it's more that it feels like my family isnt complete, someone's missing, which they are. I think I have to accept it will always feel that way and having another child probably wouldn't change that feeling.

Sorry for your loss x

bigkidsdidit Fri 12-Apr-13 11:57:24

people were questioning why, if you were desperate to go back to work, you had another child with a man who refuses to take any interest in childcare. That is the only judging that was going on.

What's wrong with 'selfishly wanting' another child anyway? We all make our own choices.

Gruffalump Fri 12-Apr-13 11:58:41

So sorry for everyone's losses on here.

For what it's worth I would love a larger family, but the physical risks are too large.

Enjoy your brood!

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 12:08:52

Specialsubject it comes in many forms, but its such a common thing for people to say, almost like a reflex for some people. I've had-

'At least you are young enough to have more'

'At least you have the other two to keep you busy, and you can always have another'

'This obviously wasn't meant to be, you can always try again'

'Are you going to try for another soon'

and many many more stupid comments like it. Its almost like some people see the death of a child as a problem to be fixed. I know lots of bereaved parents and I can't think of a single one of them who hasn't had a similar comment.

pinkdelight Fri 12-Apr-13 12:10:24

"you are being very disingenuous-people on the other thread were NOT judging the fact that you have 4 dcs at all. They were questioning why you kept choosing to have dcs with a man who doesn't respect you and also how that fits in with your determination to return to work. Your posts were full of contradictions and that's what people were confused about."

This! Absolutely. You are going waaaaay off track if what you take from the other thread is the idea that people are judging you for having 4 DC. You have been given lots of very sane, unjudgy advice on there that is entirely to do with your relationship which is what the real problem is. The DC are only mentioned because your choices e.g. to have DC4 don't make sense in the context of what you say about work and your partner's job. Please return to the original thread and focus on moving forward, not starting to blame MNetters for your discontent as well!

Loislane78 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:19:50

I don't think anyone was judging you on the other thread for having 4 DC's. What pink said.

I hope you can move past the impasse you have with your DH.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 12-Apr-13 12:24:25

OP... nobody cares how many you have, they don't have to look after them, you do.

Stop explaining your actions because you don't need to - to anybody.

nokidshere Fri 12-Apr-13 12:39:43

I haven't seen the other thread so cant comment on why you might feel judged. But IME people who worry about how others see them often have issues anyway and that makes them defensive.

In terms of large families I don't see 4 as being particularly large. I am one of 6 and have a ton of neices/nephews and 2 of my own. If anything I am jealous that years of infertility meant that I didnt have time to have the 6 children I would have loved.

blameitonthecaffeine Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:30

I have 5 and am pregnant with twins! Never had any judgement or negative feeling expressed, just amazement or amusement.

If you can financially, practially and emotionally support all your children then I don't think it's anybody else's business how many you have

Enigmosaurus Fri 12-Apr-13 13:04:42

MoominsYonisAreScary - I think for me it's more that it feels like my family isnt complete, someone's missing, which they are. I think I have to accept it will always feel that way and having another child probably wouldn't change that feeling.

This is exactly how I feel. I have 4dc all born within 3.5 years after my dd1 died at birth and people probably judge the heck out of me (old lady in Lidl today, I'm looking at you) I've been longing for another baby since my youngest was about 1 (now 3y7m) because I don't feel the family is complete but I've started to come to terms with the fact that my family will always feel and be incomplete because my dd1 isn't here.

Also agree that 'you can have another' in so many and not so many words is something that almost all the bereaved parents I've come to know have been told.

dementedmumof6 Fri 12-Apr-13 13:13:50

I have 6 and most people are supportive, the only time I have felt judged was when an old woman came into the shop I own and asked if I had ever heard of contraception and if they all had the same father (they do) and i just ignored her.

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 12-Apr-13 14:04:41

The poster is being dishonest. I posted a sympathetic message on her earlier thread, but reading this, all my sympathy has gone. She posted a thread seeking help to deal with her husband who works long hours. She sounded stressed and frustrated, and a lot of people gave her very sound advice. A few pointed out the contradiction of a woman who chose to have 4 children complaining that she was not able to work. Then she came here to post this.

Life is about balancing choices. She chose to have 4 children. Unfortunately, that means that she has not been able to work as consistently as she would have liked. It is a choice she has made. For her own happiness, she needs to live with the choice she has made. There is no point asking for advice here, then stropping off in a separate thread about feeling "judged".

NO-ONE IS JUDGING YOU, OP. It is not judgement to ask why you keep having children with a man you seem to dislike, and to be unhappy with.

As a poster above has said:

"you are being very disingenuous-people on the other thread were NOT judging the fact that you have 4 dcs at all. They were questioning why you kept choosing to have dcs with a man who doesn't respect you and also how that fits in with your determination to return to work. Your posts were full of contradictions and that's what people were confused about."

GettingGoing Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:25

Wow, some harsh replies on here. I didn't read the other thread, but the OP lost a baby FFS - can no-one see that this may have impacted on her decision to have more children?

Sorry for the loss of your dd2 op thanks
Never feel the need to explain yourself or justify reasons of having 4dc, go for what makes you happy, no-one else smile
Live life the way you want to live it, as long as you aren't harming anyone, fuck what they think or their opinion's!

I am sorry for your loss.

However, it is not fair to suggest that you were being judged on the other thread for having 4 dc. People were commenting on the fact that you had further children in a situation where you were already unhappy and resentful over the fact that your DH would not show any flexibility on his job and so the full burden of childcare was falling on you.

higgle Fri 12-Apr-13 14:36:27

OP, as I said earlier I don't think many people have a problem with anyone having 4 children, or even consider ti worthy of note. I have read the other thread and that is really about something different. You have struggled with childcare/work since just before your DC 1 went to school, when you decided not to look for a new childminder but to become a SAHM, and your marriage has its problems. Perhaps it would be better to stop worrying about what people on here think and tackle the problems at home that seem to be making you so unhappy. A full time well paid job and 4 children with no practical support from their father is more than most of us could manage.

fromparistoberlin Fri 12-Apr-13 14:38:03

I saw other thread, sorry you felt judged

Its aibu my dear, its a fucking snake pit

sorry for your loss, I think stillbirths are the most tragic thing ever

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 12-Apr-13 14:42:59

People need to read the other thread to make sense of this one.

currentbuns Fri 12-Apr-13 14:48:54

I have 3dc and am forever being asked - in a frankly encouraging rather than judgmental way - whether I'll have a dc4. The answer is invariably "No!" I think people with multiple dc only tend to be judged if they are complaining about their inability to financially support/cope with dc but then choose to have more, or are in an abusive/unhappy relationship and continue to have more dc etc etc. If you, your partner and dc are all happy, I can't imagine why anyone would see fit to judge.

currentbuns Fri 12-Apr-13 14:52:15

oops, I didn't realise this was a thread about a thread! Feel free to ignore blush

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 12-Apr-13 14:54:13

'I think people with multiple dc only tend to be judged if they are complaining about their inability to financially support/cope with dc but then choose to have more, or are in an abusive/unhappy relationship and continue to have more dc etc etc. '

Spot on.

fromparistoberlin Fri 12-Apr-13 14:56:12

EXACTLY gettingoing

grief affects people hugely, and I can completely understand why she had another baby

people are too fucking harsh on here, then when people slag off MN people get all defensive!!!! "oh MN is lovely and supportive, off you fuck". Does noone READ threads??????

when behind a screen people seem to be way too blunt, and somewhat compassion free

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:02:28

Actually I saw some of the comments and whilst not judging they are rather pointless, questioning why she had them isn't going to help or change the situation that the op is now in.

Her husband is an arise and she needs to decide how she is going to deal with that. The children are here now, questioning why she had them doesnt really help and it can and does come across as judge and 'don't moan you made your bed you have to lie in it'

When actually she and her husband both had them and he is being/has been a twat about pitching in and helping out re childcare etc.

The op has felt the need to defend herself and has explained why she had them. We don't all make perfect decisions, maybe the op foolishly thought her dh would actually step up and help. Regardless criticism if why she has had the children doesn't help.

You can have four children and a good job/career but you need a supportive and involved father or good childcare iuf a single parent. The problem is not that she has four children, its that she has an unsupportivd arise for a husband.

themoonandback Fri 12-Apr-13 15:10:56

IYoni - people's comments are beyond belief aren't they? flowers Mind you I have had the "oh well just adopt" comment in reaction to IVF treatment; I have to remind myself lots of people do think you go into a home, choose a baby and that's all fine.

Naysa Fri 12-Apr-13 17:42:50

Nobody was judging you OP, they were questioning your choices.

On the other thread you were complaining that your DP didn't respect your need to work not did he help with childcare, yet you still went on to have more children with him.

You even said you had your youngest because you "were bored"

It's not entirely your DP's fault you are in this situation, you chose to have more children, knowing full well that all childcare responsibilities were going to fall on you.

If your DP has been as bad as you said and you were soooo desperate to go back to work why did you have more children?

How old is your oldest? Are they 17 like some posters worked out? If so you could have had all you childcare sorted but you chose to have another child.

I personally am not judging how many children you have, I'm judging the fact that you continue to have children out of boredom, knowing full well how it's going to be and then come on here to whine about it.

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