To ask if you'd stop contact with a friend for this?

(56 Posts)
PurplePlasticFantastic Fri 12-Apr-13 10:17:28

I fell out with someone a while ago, within a group of friends. She was very dominating and very nasty behind others' backs and I called her up on something that she said. She didn't like it.

Because she was very much the leader of the group, several others stopped talking to me too. I was de-friended from Facebook and they refused to have anything to do with me. I decided to let it go, as clearly they weren't very good friends if they were happy to just cut me off without hearing anything about my side of the story.

About a week ago, one of the friends that had cut me off contacted me and said that basically this woman I fell out with had been telling people things about me and that I was meant to have said and done, and they were lies. This friend found out they were lies as the nasty woman told her she'd been lying about me, and she witnessed the nasty woman telling someone I'd said something when it was actually her that had said it. The friend wants to be friends again and for me to forgive her for believing this other woman for so long. I want to tell her to take a hike because if she was my friend she would have a) contacted me and b) wouldn't have needed to 'find out' the truth in order to stop thinking the worst of me.

Sorry if this is jumbled. I have had to be vague as I don't want to be identified!

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 10:21:04

It wouldn't be stopping contact really, it was already stopped. Do you want to be friends with her again?

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Fri 12-Apr-13 10:23:44

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who automatically thought the worst of me without even giving me the courtesy of asking for my side of events, whether they begged forgiveness or not.

Caitycat Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:19

It depends whether you miss her friendship, yee she was a bit mean but she made and has acknowledged she made a mistake. If you like her then give her a chance.

LineRunner Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:34

They all sound crackers.

On the other hand why not hear this former friend out, and see if she can explain herself? It's something that she has apologised. Did you like her a lot?

cozietoesie Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:42

Even if you were prepared to restart a friendship, there's too much baggage there - she'd likely spend all your time discussing the other woman's activities. Ad nauseam.

She just wants to salve her conscience. I'd let it go.

Depends really. I think everyone makes mistakes. You have the grounding to be good friends again, she's reached out to you now....
But then I'm a total pushover and get treated badly/used alot so I wouldn't take my own advice! grin

YouTheCat Fri 12-Apr-13 10:27:02

I'd not bother with her tbh.

I want to know where all these women are who behave like 8 year olds though. There seems to be a lot of them about but I don't think I've encountered one since school.

How old are you btw OP? This seems like a total high school problem.... "defriended on facebook" hmm

lottie63 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:28:58

It's hard to do but I think I may give her another chance, after explaining to her just how hurtful her defriending had been. She may have been taken in and the nasty woman may well have been quite convincing. I guess she s been self-reflexive over it and that s a plus. She s also in a position, presumably, to counter all the horrible lies in that she'll still be friends with the others who are still deluded.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 10:32:28

I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.

So she may turn out to be a very honest person, it would have been easy for her just to stay quiet but she sought you out to make amends.

Wy don't you have her over for a chat? You can just take it all really slowly, but a friend who owns up to mistakes is way better than one who keeps quiet IMO.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 10:35:33

I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.

So she may turn out to be a very honest person, it would have been easy for her just to stay quiet but she sought you out to make amends.

Wy don't you have her over for a chat? You can just take it all really slowly, but a friend who owns up to mistakes is way better than one who keeps quiet IMO.

Groovee Fri 12-Apr-13 10:37:41

I'd maybe hear her out but when you are treated like you are the outcast at high school it can be very hard to make amends.

MandragoraWurzelstock Fri 12-Apr-13 10:41:04

I think it was really brave of the person to contact you like that.

I'd give her another chance, seriously. Life is too short. Unless you didn't get on that well in the first place in which case no. But it sounds like the other person was very good at manipulating the truth and really fooled them.

I would give her another try.

Groovee Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:23

I'd maybe hear her out but when you are treated like you are the outcast at high school it can be very hard to make amends.

HeathRobinson Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:31

Hmm, I might give it a go. Some people, ie your dominating woman, can be very convincing. What if your friend was very hurt by what she believed you'd said and saw no point in contacting you and possibly being hurt further?

She's told you she made a mistake (which would have been hard) and presumably is sorry. As you liked her enough to be friends in the first place, it may be worth rebuilding your friendship?

thermalsinapril Fri 12-Apr-13 11:27:41

> I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.


deleted203 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:32:30

I'd say, 'Oh really? Thanks for telling me. I'm not particularly interested in what she's saying, TBH. She's obviously got problems'.

I would be pleasantly neutral, but not make any attempt to pick up the friendship again. I couldn't be arsed. They all sound like bitchy 13 year olds.

babyradio Fri 12-Apr-13 11:43:45

I agree with the posters who say it is a hard thing for people to do to come and admit they were wrong and apologise.

It's like any relationship, trust will take time to return but if you valued her as a friend enough to be hurt that she had done this, perhaps it means you value her enough now to try again?

They do sound childish though.

Scholes34 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:52:41

My friends are people I like and whose company I enjoy. Do you like this person and do you enjoy their company?

digerd Fri 12-Apr-13 11:57:21

How do nasty people get away with telling lies and stirring and get believed and supported?
Is the rest of the group still on the nasty person's side, I wonder?

Crawling Fri 12-Apr-13 11:59:07

I would it takes a big strong person to admit they are wrong especially in your circumstance where she didnt have to as she had allready cut contact. Npt only that but I think it showed courage and integrity to come back and say she was wrong.

YoniDaChillOut Fri 12-Apr-13 12:03:54

it all sounds like alot more hassle than it's worth tbh. i would accept her apology but wouldn't be going out of my way to re-kindle the friendship. i'd say hi in the street if i saw her but wouldn't be arranging meet ups or anything.

yaimee Fri 12-Apr-13 12:10:29

It's quite a big thing to contact someone and admit you were wrong, so she must miss your friendship (unless you think she is hedging her bets in case nasty woman falls out with her).
If you miss/value her friendship and believe she is genuine then maybe give her another chance.
But I'd steer well clear of the rest, it sounds like nasty playground tactics, so don't get sucked back in to it!

Callisto Fri 12-Apr-13 12:13:03

Nope, I wouldn't. Anyone who gets involved in playground shite like this is not worthy of my friendship and not grown up enough to interest me.

Crawling - but not enough courage or integrity to stand up to the nasty one in the first place. If one of my group of friends started slagging another friend off I would be deeply unimpressed and there would have to be a bloody good reason for the slagging off.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 12:15:36

I wouldn't bother, they all sound so ridiculously childish that I think she could be making it up to pretend to be friends with you, all the while reporting back to the other woman and sniggering at you. This is the kind of think which happened at school and these women sound like schoolgirls.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 12:19:58

I'd forgive her, but not necessarily become good friends again. Life is a learning journey, and this person has clearly learned a lot. I think it's quite admirable that she got in touch an apologised, and I don't think you'd be doing yourself any favours by hanging on to mistakes that people made a long time ago and have tried to rectify.

Twentytotwo Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:45

What happened sounds more in line with what you'd expect from 12 year olds than adult women. I'd see her and take the apology but then let it drift and not meet up again.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 13:31:55

tbh, I would just reply that I had been very hurt that she chose to accept the other woman's story without even talking to me and that she chose to cut me out, and although I am pleased that she now knows what this woman is like and I appreciate the apology, I am not able to forget the choices that she made and I am happy with the way things are now and feel that I would not like to invite people back into my life who have demonstrated that they can turn their back on me without even trying to discuss anything or hear me out.

I'd probably wish her all the best and maybe add something about hoping that she doesn't repeat that mistake in a future friendship.

Because that's the unforgivable thing, or it would be for me. Just turning your back on someone on the unsubstantiated word of someone else and not giving them the chance to put their side forward. I wouldn't take up again with someone who can behave like that, and I wouldn't advise someone else to.

You'll just be waiting for the next time.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:34:09

Hecsy, sometimes people really do learn from their mistakes.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 13:45:10

Possibly. It's just that in my experience, people who have shit on me and been forgiven have only ever gone on to shit on me again.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:22

Yes, this can happen too, I accept that!

MooncupGoddess Fri 12-Apr-13 14:06:06

If you really really like her as an individual then I'd consider it... otherwise though it will just bring the drama and hassle back into your life. The dynamics of the friendship will be very different without the rest of the group around, so have a think about if that's something you'd want.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:07:55

What hec said so articulately.

I too don't really forgive and forget without good reason. Probably to do with having been shit on in the past. I am not going to give people a chance to learn their social skills on me.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:09:34

Just move on.

A true friend would have defended you in the first place.

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:17

Maybe it will be better when you all move up to big school.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:59

led it got bloody WORSE in big school ime grin

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:15:08

All the unforgiving types make me feel sad

TrenchCoat Fri 12-Apr-13 14:16:32

I am with Hecsy on this one. I no longer give a second chance.
I might accept their apology at a push, but that's as far as it goes. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was so ready to believe others without hearing my side of what happened first, before cutting me off.
I too have found that if they shit on you once its very likely to happen again.
Maybe I am a bit harsh but I wont be dragged down by people like this especially if they have caused me unnecessary upset.

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:05

Sorry I've been stuck on with poorly baby for days and more to come.
I was being a goady fucker.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:32

All of you taking the piss have you never been hurt by a friend?

If you fall out with someone you aren't going to keep them on fb. Why would you?

I have been monumentally hurt recently by a group of friends. One in particular who was supposed to be a close friend has shown herself to be two faced and a hypocrite.

Would I forgive them and start again? No way.

Friendship is not about what it looks like on paper. It's about being there when you're needed.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:52

Don't feel sad for my unforgiving ways smile

Feel sad that there are lots of duplicitous and spiteful bastards out there who are not to be trusted.

Led I hope you're OK - poor baby (and poor you!)

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:35

It is so bloody hurtful when a bunch of friends you trusted turn out to be cows.

Sorry OP and everlong that you have had this - some people when in groups can act in very hurtful ways.

Trust nae fucker grin

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:34:57

Gerrof it has taken 4 months for me to get over this.

I've been really low and it made me have really bad anxiety.

She wasn't just a friend, we are talking godmother, family holidays, more like family.

Never would have thought it.

DontmindifIdo Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:53

I would hear her out, because it's very very hard to admit you made a mistake like that - espcially to you she could have admitted to others, to her DP etc, but to go say it to you she's opening herself up to you giving her a mouthful of abuse. It also might depend what was said.

I wouldn't, however, completely trust her again, but being civil again and polite would be possible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:57

Don't feel sad for me now. grin

Feel sad for poor me growing up who got crapped upon from a great height over and over and over and over again, while still looking for the good and hoping that maybe this time, that their apologies, smiles and declarations of friendship actually meant they wouldn't treat me like shit on their shoe.

Me now doesn't have that problem. And there's a lot less to be sad about, I promise you!

MadBusLady Fri 12-Apr-13 14:47:46

Thing is, even if she is honest and deserving etc, how could you start being friends with her again without being sucked back into the whole weird dynamic? Is she going to "stop" being friends with this other woman, or not tell her she's friends with you, or what? Are you going to never mention this other woman or will some gossip/bitching inevitably creep in (not getting at you in particular, but you know how these things go!)? It'll all be bloody silly, whatever happens.

So if your instinct is to tell her to take a hike, I don't see what you lose by that really.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:48:42

Bloody hell everlong that sounds horrible. I don't blame you for being so upset. She must have felt like family. I hope things are better for you now (but these things leave a stain don't they).

LtEveDallas Fri 12-Apr-13 14:49:18

I would accept the apology, and thank her for it, but wouldn't pursue the friendship. If you've been fine without her all this time, then you haven't missed her, and haven't needed her in your life.

I'm afraid whilst I might forgive, I wouldn't be able to trust her again - and I'd tell her that.

There is no harm in being friendly towards her, without being her friend (IYSWIM)

GettingGoing Fri 12-Apr-13 14:50:53

I'd pay lipservice and accept her apology, but I wouldn't disclose anything to her in future and I'd keep things light and meaningless. Yes, she showed integrity apologising to you, but she was a bit of a sheep to have followed the others and un-friended you. I'd also not be drawn into discussion about the 'leader'.

DoctorAnge Fri 12-Apr-13 14:51:59

I would also let this go. Accept the apology by all means but you will be sucked into all the drama again if you befriend her.
You moved on don't look back.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:52:28

Thanks gerrof x

Summerblaze Fri 12-Apr-13 14:56:34

It all sounds a bit coronation street to me grin.

LineRunner Fri 12-Apr-13 15:10:59

Fizz caved in immediately. smile

Leavenheath Fri 12-Apr-13 15:46:36

It would depend for me on how long I'd known the friend and whether I thought the friendship had potential.

Say for example you all met around the same time and all the friendships were under 2 years duration? All that means is that you have better instincts about people than the rest of them. And that the cowbag in the story is a very convincing and charismatic liar. In those circumstances I'd be prepared to forgive if I thought the friend had learnt her lesson and was worth it. It can take a long time before you can truly say you know a person well enough to know what's true and untrue.

If you've known eachother for years and years though and you had enough years of being able to prove to others that you're a good friend and these people still believed the words of a liar over that, then no - I wouldn't forgive.

redexpat Fri 12-Apr-13 15:55:07

I think it shows guts to say I was wrong about you and I'm sorry. So I'd accept and proceed cautiously.

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