Mil's party, dd and chicken pox.....

(82 Posts)
deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 09:18:35

Mil was 70 in March and we have seen her a couple of times since then, including dh taking her to France for 4 days for her present. Fil has planned a birthday dinner for her tomorrow night in a restaurant and we are booked to go. It's a 4-5 hour drive and we are going when dh gets back from work tonight and driving home on Sunday. Well, dd is 23 months and has woken up today covered in chicken pox. She seems ok, but bit grouchy.

Mil is insisting we all still go down for the dinner, she has a babysitter from the village booked for dd and ds. I am suggesting that I stay at home with ds as its just not fair to expect her to travel so far if she goes downhill.

I can't do the crossed out writing thing, but if I could I would add, I would quite like an excuse not to go as I'm exhausted and don't find the family easy company..... But Aibu?

Tommy Fri 12-Apr-13 09:21:13

not at all!!
You have a child with chicken pox - of course you can't go - she is being completely unreasonable and slightly spoilt I would say. Send your DH on his own

diddl Fri 12-Apr-13 09:22:59

I wouldn't go tbh.

Has she even asked the babysitter if they would still want to babysit?

Would you send your son & husband?

Are they likely to be contagious & coming into contact with "at risk" people?

mrsjay Fri 12-Apr-13 09:23:25

NO Yanbu your baby is Ill cancel it I know she will be really miffed with you but chicken pox is miserable for children and TBh would probably not stay with a babysitter very well if she is feeling rough. say you are sorry and all that but the babies health must come first and say you dont fancy passing them on to anybody else

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 09:24:27

Of course you can't take her. Chicken pox is very infectious until the spots have scanned over.

This Is a generational thing as in the old days people held measles and chicken pox parties so children got the disease over with, mum told me and she's in her 70s.

Sure the babysitter wouldn't appreciate this one bit and you can have chicken pox twice, I have.

Say no.

2cats2many Fri 12-Apr-13 09:24:30

Don't go. She is being unreasonable.

Chocotrekkie Fri 12-Apr-13 09:25:18

Has the babysitter been tested for immunity - if not then its not fair in her to risk it. Can be very nasty to adults...

ENormaSnob Fri 12-Apr-13 09:25:28

Tbh I think it would be really unfair to take your dd out at all.

I'll bet she feels poorly and itchy not to mention the risk to others.

Your mil is being selfish.

She is being very unreasonable, send dh alone.
Its very contagious not to mention very uncomfortable to have.

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 09:26:52

They've asked the sitter who would be fine with it. Ds has had it a few weeks ago so he would go down with dh. She wants it to be a 'family dinner' although there are two other couples going at least who are not related.

Backtobedlam Fri 12-Apr-13 09:26:55

YANBU-if she has quite a few spots, even if well in herself, a long journey in a hot, sweaty car seat would be hell. Plus the fact that she could get worse whilst down there and then have to travel all the way . No way would I go, even if it was something I desperately wanted to do for myself.

DontmindifIdo Fri 12-Apr-13 09:27:42

YANBU - sorry, DD is too ill to travel. The discussion should be round does DH go on his own, with DS or not at all.

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 09:28:23

I guess the two other couples won't be pleased. I caught chicken pox again as an adult and its far worse then.

mrsjay Fri 12-Apr-13 09:29:15

I think like others have said MIL is acting a bit spoilt and selfish how long does a birthday last fgs it is the middle of april almost wink you know how they can go with chicken pox their temp can rise quite quickly just send your dh and son and say i am so disappointed blah blah and stay home,

DontmindifIdo Fri 12-Apr-13 09:29:27

Oh, and hte discussion is with you and DH and DH tells his DM that you can't bring DD because she's too ill. Not her decision to make, yours as parents.

If she wants it to be a family dinner, given that it's not on her actual birthday, then she can reschedule when everyone's available, your DD is not available, and therefore you aren't.

OrbisNonSufficit Fri 12-Apr-13 09:33:09

She honestly expects you to drag your ill dd that far? And presumably ds is incubating as well if he hasn't had it. Chicken pox = quarantine. What if they come into contact with someone who hasn't had it (speaking as someone currently pregnant who has never had it)? Not to mention it being unfair on the babysitter. She's being totally selfish. If she wants you there, she should move the dinner, it wouldn't be that hard to rearrange surely.

OrbisNonSufficit Fri 12-Apr-13 09:35:32

Oops x-post. If your ds has had it that makes things a bit less uncertain.

Inertia Fri 12-Apr-13 09:40:09

Of course YANBU.

Your MIL is being incredibly selfish if she expects a baby with chicken pox to travel for 5 hours and then be babysat by a stranger. Poor girl will just want to be with her parents.

What's the point in DS going if he isn't invited to the meal ?

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 09:43:43

I guess they will want ds there so they can take him out on the Saturday daytime. I was so shocked this am, I was sure she would say of course, stay at home with dd.
Not going to be poss to reschedule as her other son is coming from Sweden....
We went there for Christmas and Easter this year, as well so she's had a good innings so far.

LIZS Fri 12-Apr-13 09:46:11

but if ds isn't required at the dinner not much point him going either. DH goes alone

zzzzz Fri 12-Apr-13 09:47:26

You say "no".

Please keep dd at home, she is highly infectious and on a 4 to 5 hour journey you will have to stop. sad.

People's unborn children can be damaged for ever, and any immunosuppressed person could be very very ill. How can you even concider it?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 09:47:51

Chickenpox can cause Shingles in adults, which is incredibly painful and nasty and can leave scars. So MIL is not only being thoughtless expecting you to mess an ill tot around, she's being really stupid risking her own health and that of the other adults. Please point put the risk of Shingles to her, if you want another reason to back up your polite refusal to attend. Not that you need one, YANBU.

YonisAreForever Fri 12-Apr-13 09:47:58

no you shouldnt go and as far as baby sitter concerned, has she actually done her research herself or has she been brainwashed listened to mils - gung ho - oh yeah come on lets all get the pox.

does the baby sitter realise she can get it again etc etc etc.

anyway a child with the pox having to move and travel ? so selfish?!

NUFC69 Fri 12-Apr-13 09:48:00

I am a MIL and I think that yours is being completely unreasonable. We recently looked after my 2 year old GS when he had chickenpox and there was no way I would inflict a long journey on a poorly child. Let your DH and son go alone, it's as simple as that.

HarrySnotter Fri 12-Apr-13 09:52:02

YANBU. Don't ask permission, just tell her that you are staying home with your DD, your DH will come with DS and you hope they have a lovely time. It's not her call, it's yours.

Gooseysgirl Fri 12-Apr-13 09:54:14

YANBU... 4-5hr journey for a very sick little girl on top of being away from her home comforts for the weekend hmm MIL being v selfish

mrsjay Fri 12-Apr-13 09:56:42

and your bil would be taking the infection back to sweden those chicken pox are going to be far travelled, and yes there is the shingels aspect your Mil can get really poorly from them i had them in my 20s it bloody hurts,
she is probably just anxious and wants the dinner to go well, but I dont think this should be up for discussion really a no end of should be sufficient

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Fri 12-Apr-13 10:04:23

you are right you can't catch shingles but I do think maybe I am wrong but the virus is the same (bet i am talking rubbish)

hazeyjane Fri 12-Apr-13 10:10:15

Imo, it is non negotiable. Of course your dd shouldn't go.

Name7 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:15:34

My Dd caught chicken pox on holiday. We were 5 hours from home. She was 6 so could be reasoned with. It was the most awful journey. I certainly wouldn't want to do it twice each way. Stay home, baths with bicarb, piriton and cuddles.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Fri 12-Apr-13 10:26:18

oh ok lunatic just when i caught it I was working in a nursery and there was an epidemic and I always assumed you could 'catch it' from CP

Fresh01 Fri 12-Apr-13 13:18:07

YANBU you may find your DD has a worse dose than your DS. When my 1st two DC had it, the 2nd sibling to get it had a much worse dose and was very unwell. Same thing happened in the last month with DC3 and DC4. The 15 month old was miserable, covered in spots and up lots at night with fevers. I read an article online last week saying the second sibling to get it often gets a worse dose than their sibling due to so much contact with each other whilst the first has it.

Neither you or DD is really going to enjoy the trip so why put yourselves through it.

BoundandRebound Fri 12-Apr-13 13:24:29

You should not go. Absolutely not

But I have to say you don't catch shingles from chicken pox, shingles is a reactivation of the dormant chicken pox virus although someone could catch chicken pox from an open shingles blister

GuffSmuggler Fri 12-Apr-13 13:26:37

Imagine you were very poorly and someone said: "get out of bed and get in a car for 5 hours". You wouldn't even consider it, so you shouldn't subject a poor ill child to such an ordeal.

Like others said, it's not even open for discussion.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 13:27:38

Yanbu. Tell your DH it's not up for discussion and send him off on his own.

ginnybag Fri 12-Apr-13 13:35:01

Are you going to be able to drive 4-5 hours without getting your DD out of the car at all?

Because if you were planning to stop, you now can't. Taking her into a crowded motorway services would be a horribly selfish thing to do.

S, even if you were willing to staff your spotty, itchy, possibly feverish child into her car seat for however long, you now actually can't let her get out of that car seat at all.

It's not only about your DD, here, although that would be reason enough. It's about all the people you would infect - baby change table, anyone? - to pull this off.

Say no. Send DH and DS alone.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 12-Apr-13 13:36:23

You can catch chicken pox from someone with shingles, but not the other way round

Bogeyface Fri 12-Apr-13 13:39:02

A 5 hour journey with a poxy toddler is the worst possible idea ever.

Forget the contagious bit for a minute, and imagine how you would feel strapped into a car seat, itchy, sweaty and feeling ill. Would you really want to do that to your DD? Your MIL is being amazingly selfish, just stay at home and send your DH with your DS. If your MIL kicks off ask her if the meal is so important that she would have your DD in discomfort and upset for it.

Bogeyface Fri 12-Apr-13 13:40:01

I thought you could catch shingles from CP and not the other way around?

Bogeyface Fri 12-Apr-13 13:40:31

No, I am wrong, ignore me!

angeltattoo Fri 12-Apr-13 13:42:40

Firstly, Your DD will not want to travel and be looked after by a stranger, she will want to be at home with her parents looking after her.

Secondly, it would be totally irresponsible of you to take her anywhere, as had been said, CP presents a real danger to pregnant women, immocompromised people and other children etc.

Thirdly, your DH informs MIL you will not be attending - thoughts/comments/opinions from MIL are not necessary, thanks very much - she doesn't get a say, you and your DH do, full stop.

Finally - YADNBU grin

Lottashakingoinon Fri 12-Apr-13 13:45:09

I would advise the scratched record routine here, viz:

Really sorry we can't come; DD has chicken pox, life's a bitch

<repeat until fade>

I mean I am not exactly light years off 70 myself , but honestly what kind of dotty old biddy would think it okay to schlepp a sick toddler on that kind of journey.....sheesh

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:46:40

Your mil is being disgustingly selfish, what if one of the staff working there is pregnant? Or another guest gets very ill?

Just put your foot down and say get stuffed, nhs advice is stay home. She can come and visit you if she is that bothered.

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 13:48:54

Yanbu , it would be awful for your dd to travel unnecessarily when she is poorly and its not fair on anyone who may be exposed two the chickenpox.

I will just say you cannot 'catch' shingles from chickenpox, you can catch chickenpox from shingles.

Lottashakingoinon Fri 12-Apr-13 13:49:32

but honestly what kind of dotty old biddy would think it okay to schlepp a sick toddler on that kind of journey.....sheesh

or dotty young biddy, come to that!

<slaps own wrist for wanton ageism>

quoteunquote Fri 12-Apr-13 13:49:51


Don't do it, totally unfair on your child and risks spreading infection.

Lottashakingoinon Fri 12-Apr-13 13:52:52

Good so we're all agreed then.

Delia promise me you won't chicken out (just what you need: more emotional blackmail!!)

My dd has also woken up covered in spots today and I wouldn't go anywhere with her, let alone to a party four hours away.

YANBU your MIL is BU.

OP, here is the NHS page on chickenpox. It includes the risks to other people and also does highlight that your child could be really poorly and miserable. If your DH is still of the opinion that you should take your DD after reading this, he is the one being unreasonable.

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 14:05:07

The journey tonight would be under cover of darkness and they normally sleep as we go after bath time. On Sunday, we can easily not stop and have a sandwich in the car and nappy change on the back seat. But she will be awake and potentially hot an uncomfortable so that's what I'm worried about....

It's kind of a no brainier for me. Am sitting next to my yawning, hot, little dd and honestly wouldn't take her in the garden let alone sitting in a tight car seat with itchy spots all over her sad

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:10:59

Delia - you are being really selfish to even consider this.

If you are totally happy that a waitress working in that restaurant might be pregnant and lose her baby, then go. Stop posting on here about it, and take your stupid selfish risks without a thought for anyone else.

I get annoyed with the bleating, you've been told it is not ok for your child or for the people you come into contact with.

What more do you want?

Fresh01 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:33

Having recently had 2 children with chicken pox and had to rearrange many things and ask many lifts off friends so my older two children could still do school/activities as I was housebound with pox children, I can't understand why you are still considering the idea. Chicken pox generally only happens once to children and is a nuisance for a week or so but the impact on pregnant ladies/immunio compromised people can be much longer lasting. You and your DD should be staying in your home.

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 14:14:57

Think swishswoosh put it in a nutshell op. I don't think any one on this thread thinks you should go. So don't.

gybegirl Fri 12-Apr-13 14:16:09

I'm not normally one for saying do or don't do a particular thing however...

Please don't go. My dd was really poorly with chicken pox, even during the night - in fact, especially during the night. She was literally screaming in discomfort. I was not allowed to touch her to make her feel better. I mean not even hold her hand or stroke her head where she had no spots. It was hideous. She eventually got to sleep about three in the morning through sheer exhaustion. The idea of her being strapped in a car seat for hours like that just so I could go to a meal would have been too awful to think about.

Child comes first every time. MIL comes second, she should realise this.

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 14:18:13

Rude lady, swishswashswoosh. I am not taking her, I'm just jotting things down (arguments mil might use) about it in between looking after the two children on my own all day. Really my question wasn't should I take her but was I bu to think mil is a cow for trying to make me. Anyway, thanks everyone, I had thought of all the points mentioned, which add more grist to my mojo for when I ring mil later on.

Inertia Fri 12-Apr-13 14:18:53

Look, it's not fair on your DD to make her travel all that way and then be looked after by a stranger in a strange house without her parents. She might sleep usually, I doubt she will sleep well if she is feverish and itchy with carseat straps rubbing her spots -don't rule out a 5 hour journey accompanied by crying.

It's downright irresponsible to expose other people to the risk of chicken pox.

You've been told that it would be irresponsible to take her - would you like us to tell your MIL for you ?

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 14:20:06

swish her dd wouldn't be going to the restaraunt she would be staying at Mil's with a babysitter who knows she has chickenpox and is happy tho still babysit.

But regardless of that it ius not OK to risk spreading it and it could well be horrible and in comfortable for dd, she needs to stay home and be kept comfortable.

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 14:20:26

Also, swishswashswoosh - re the lady in the restaurant, are you suggesting parents and siblings of chicken pox inflicted children should quarantine themselves too? I have never heard of this.

Yes am god at dealing with MILs too!!! I ind that making it i to an emotional reason helps as she can't disagree with that!

'I feel very upset about the thought of bringing her so we will stay here.'
That type of thing.

Good luck!

Andro Fri 12-Apr-13 14:21:57

The journey tonight would be under cover of darkness and they normally sleep as we go after bath time.

Usual doesn't apply when child is ill! She could easily suffer a fever/chills/vomiting/headache/be very itchy and uncomfortable - the result being that she doesn't sleep.

On Sunday, we can easily not stop and have a sandwich in the car and nappy change on the back seat.

Nausea? Fever? Itching? It's the same deal as going, planning goes out the window when child is unwell.

But she will be awake and potentially hot an uncomfortable so that's what I'm worried about....

If that's all you're worried about then you have bigger problems than a child with chicken pox!

good not god

Andro Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:44

X post! It seems I've been a little hash, unfairly so. I apologise OP.

deliakate Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:00

Dinnea worry

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:33

Well done op. I recall a great mumsnet quite.

'No is a complete sentence'

You don't need to argue or explain. If your mil is that dense and daft ghen why bother.

Bogeyface Fri 12-Apr-13 17:23:56

What did your MIL say?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 12-Apr-13 17:48:39

Strange question that hopefully someone will be able to answer, I've never had chicken pox what are the risks from it to pregnant women?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 12-Apr-13 17:54:31

Scrap that I've just read the NHS link,I did know it but temp forgot.

my dd is a week into hers and is STILL itching and waking at night asking to have the ones around her bottom and vulva/labia tended to because they're sore.

You dont need to make excuses, she is contagious, you stay home, thats the end of it!

oh and you cant catch shingles from someone with chicken pox.

3littlefrogs Fri 12-Apr-13 18:03:22

My ds was terribly ill with chicken pox. For 3 weeks. He was fine for the first 2 days then got very sick indeed. I wouldn't have dreamt of taking a contagious child anywhere in any case.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 18:11:50

Apologies, I misunderstood, thought the child was going to the restaurant. Seems even more nuts to drive a poorly child for hours to be looked after by a stranger. I thought the babysitter was at home OR you were taking them with you. I promises I did rtft I just got very confused!

No of course others can go, unless you have serious thoughts they are about to burst out in spots themselves (personally if one child had it and I thought the other was incubating it, I would start quarantine for both at same time).

But I think it is U to expose anyone to it unless you have to, so my concern about a waitress in restaurant applies to staff in service station for example.

Hissy Fri 12-Apr-13 18:38:24

You've posted about this never ending birthday year already haven't you? Iirc, MIL demanded trhe holiday after a party/do at the time of her birthday AND this meal?

Your child is ill. You are all carrying what IS a dangerous virus to those who are PG or immunocompromised.

No is a complete sentance.

She's had more flaming birth celebrations than the queen ffs. Tell her to get her own jelly and ice cream.

formicaqueen Fri 12-Apr-13 21:03:27

Put you childs needs first? Child needs to be resting at home. MIL's needs are secondary.

formicaqueen Fri 12-Apr-13 21:04:13

It's likely your child will get very itchy and uncomfortable very soon.

Gooseysgirl Sat 13-Apr-13 10:29:30

How did it go with MIL?

deliakate Sat 13-Apr-13 10:41:09

I semi bottled it and made dh tell her. She was ok about it I think, clearly not happy but she hasn't excommunicated me.

GuffSmuggler Sat 13-Apr-13 14:55:17

Well done delia, I hope you don't have too much of a terrible weekend with poorly DD and she gets better soon.

For the future I would make sure you agree with DH that when he tells MIL something you have agreed between you it is then not up for discussion!

Pandemoniaa Sat 13-Apr-13 15:01:36

Glad you appear to have sorted this with your MIL, OP. Even a so-called mild case of CP makes a child poorly and the last thing your dd needs is to be taken away from the comforts of home.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Sat 13-Apr-13 15:17:11

That's not bottling it. She's his bloody mother, of course he should handle most communication!

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