Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

to be upset that virtually the whole of MN are mocking my husband?

(550 Posts)
BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:34:06

Last night my husband, Brian, made the very brave decision to offer yoni massage via MN. We have both been terribly upset at the response he received, especially the references to him being perverted. I would like to explain that my husband is a professional, and it is only now after studying the Tantra for 17 years, he feels qualified to offer this service. Many could never reach this level of expertise.
I indeed have been lucky to receive many yoni massages from Brian and cannot rate them highly enough. When my friend, Becky, had a traumatic birth I suggested Brian give her a yoni massage. Not only did she find it a very spiritual and pleasurable experience, she has been able to stop dwelling on the birth and is no longer feeling any pain in her yoni. Becky's happy ending has given Brian the confidence to offer his services further afield.
Please be assured that Brian is a very caring man whose only concern is the health and happiness of yoni's, NOT his own pleasure. He posted on MN as he is aware many women experience trauma to their yoni's during childbirth.

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 20:34:55



Forwardscatter Thu 11-Apr-13 20:35:33


OohShiny Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:06


cees Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:21

Whats a yoni? I must check mine.

RubyGates Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:33

I missed what now?

LoganMummy Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:52


I'm not sure my sacred female water can take much more!

BloominMarvellous Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:57

Oh my yoni, it gets better!! grin

sorry I can't take you seriously when you keep saying yoni

frownyface Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:11

lol love it

BeanoGrigio Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:16

Becky's 'happy ending' grin

"Oh" indeed Pictish (or should that be "oh, oh, ooooh, oooooooooh?) wink

StickyProblem Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:23

Does Brian take paypal?!

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:34

YABU. Mumsnet does not allow threads to be used for advertising purposes. If he wanted to sell (not offer) his services, he should pay for the privilege or offer some sort of competition prize like other service providers who advertise on this site.

Wolfcub Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:41

grin nice try

Branleuse Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:54

oh ffs, now im going to be cracking up every time my dp wanks me off

SirBoobAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:56

DP and I practice some tantra.

He's never used the word 'yoni'. Thank fuck.

<hate it when I miss decent threads>

FaceLikeAPickledYonion Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:03


Peevish Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:03

I think Mn should adopt yoni as a word en masse - 'fanjo' is so five minutes ago. And 'yoni' sounds so spiritual. I bet Trudi Styler has a yoni.

BloominMarvellous Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:23

Competition prize?!?! What on earth would have have to do to enter??

takes notes

WitchOfEndor Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:25

Have my first yoni biscuit

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:30

I especially like the ^Becky's happy ending bit" grin

LivingInAPinkYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:41

By the way Brian, I may live in my yoni but it does not welcome unknown visitors grin

GotMyGoat Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:43

Hmmm.. You know my vagina actually doesn't feel happiness - I do.

I Am Not a Vagina!

JamieOliveOil Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:48

I can see this turning into one of those threads wink

dopeysheep Thu 11-Apr-13 20:38:55

17 years studying minge? That's impressive.

No, this isnt real. He isnt really called Brian!
is he?

PseudoBadger Thu 11-Apr-13 20:39:32

I reckon many a 14 year old could offer Brian's expertise

May I suggest you get in touch with Shona Sibary and Amanda Holden Brian'swife? They feel similarly about mumsnet and, as busy working mums, no doubt would also be interested in his services.

Flossiechops Thu 11-Apr-13 20:39:37

Hahahahahaha!! Fab! So glad Becky's yoni is all fixed thanks to Brian's techniques. Uh er misses!

Branleuse Thu 11-Apr-13 20:39:38
shellyf Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:07


BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:16

Unfortunately, we are on a low income and Brian has to charge some money to cover his travelling expenses.

Morgause Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:18

Of course Trudi Styler has a yoni she married Sting.

andadietcoke Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:31

Oh. Brilliant. Lucky, lucky Becky's Yoni to have benefitted from such attention. So glad to hear about her happy ending.

Tee2072 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:35


Forwardscatter Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:43

I want to hear from Becky.

TheYoniOneIKnow Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:45

17 years studying minge?


PhyllisDoris Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:00

OP - do you REALLY not mind your DH mucking about in other women's yonis? I can't say I'd be overjoyed if I were you.

BloominMarvellous Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:30

I think seeing my yoni should be payment enough. Even DP isn't that honoured! Tis a sacred yoni!!!

Maat Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:32

I know a woman named Yoni.

I have learnt something today on MN.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:36

Just to point out, this Brian, it ain't me.

<worried that you all think I'm a big ol' Yoni Master bater )

squaresausage Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:37

Health and happiness of yonis

Mine has a huge cheeser right now. Cheers! grin

TheYoniOneIKnow Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:39

Wow, Brian travels?
I'd just booked the EasyBus to Hull sad

Shouldn't that be Becky's happy finish?

Lueji Thu 11-Apr-13 20:42:14

Should I be worried that if I google Yoni massage, the 5th link is to a MN thread?


AnAirOfHope Thu 11-Apr-13 20:42:16


BriansBrain Thu 11-Apr-13 20:42:26

I am in no way associated to Brian and his yoni fiddling business.

BloominMarvellous Thu 11-Apr-13 20:42:48

Arf at the easy bus!!!!!!! grin

Where does he travel to for £80?!

Do they do Ryanair from Hull?

£80 for a wank. That's 80 quid, FOR A WANK

EverythingsJustBeachy Thu 11-Apr-13 20:43:00

brianswife were you on MN before Brian posted? Because you'd have known what MN is like, and for all we know you are not Brian's wife, but a lovely fellow MN aware that the original thread is running out of room!

Flojobunny Thu 11-Apr-13 20:43:45

Brilliant, Brian has made a difficult time a tiny bit better.
Think nurses on ward are wondering what I keep laughing at!

MadCap Thu 11-Apr-13 20:43:58

Lueiji, it was first earlier today grin

YoniLovesChachi Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:15

I didn't know Brian dealt with injured yonis. Your house must be like St Tiggywinkles, but with beavers women instead of hedgehogs. He's a pillar of the community, your Bri.

almapudden Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:28

Does he do discounts if we make a group booking?

HeyYoniYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:42

I think it only right and proper that MN offer to do a product test

BloominMarvellous Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:47

I have to name change now!! I want to remember this forever!!!!

GinandYonic Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:56

It's not just a wank it's a 17 years in the making Professional wank grin

Altinkum Thu 11-Apr-13 20:44:59


MadCap Thu 11-Apr-13 20:45:28

It's an M&S wank

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:46:21

Unfortunately, Becky isn't on MN or she would have been able to back me up.

PhyllisDoris, it would be selfish of me to mind, akin to a vicar's wife being upset he was putting his insights into a sermon instead of sharing them with her alone.

MyBloominMarvellousYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:47:03

ignores op


Flossiechops Thu 11-Apr-13 20:47:40

Just read the op in classics!!! Fab!! gringringringrin

MyBloominMarvellousYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:47:45

I so read semen not sermon!!!!!!

crazydrunkevilyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:01

M&S Wank grin

dopeysheep Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:11

I can't help but rename every famous Tony as Yoni.
Yoni Blair.
Yoni Soprano.

nkf Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:19

We need Becky.

littlestressy Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:25

My yoni is very selective, I might have to decline

BattlingYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:31

Wooo we all love a good name change :D Its been a while!

Two things;
1. 'brave decision to offer yoni massage via MN'

Brave as in how?


2. Brian/Brian's wife. Someone please tell me we're not talking Prof. Cox & missus. That'd give a whole new interpretation of 'stimulated emission'.

" St Tiggywinkles but with beavers women I stead of hedgehogs....."!!! I am crying with laughter, and the dog is Looking at me like this > confused

YoniLovesChachi Thu 11-Apr-13 20:49:25

Brian is the High Priest of Handjobs. He puts a little of himself into every member of his flock. What a man.

muddythegoddessofdawn Thu 11-Apr-13 20:49:33

Can you tell me if Brian is self employed or does he work a week in hand! grin

I'm glad Beckys yoni is feeling better.

Forwardscatter Thu 11-Apr-13 20:49:40

Has he tried Netmums?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr instead, not I stead - bloody iPad.

YoniWhenILaugh Thu 11-Apr-13 20:50:08

Nice try, OP grin

Registrations unavailable

Apologies, but we're not accepting new user registrations at the moment. You're free to browse the site as a guest in the meantime.

SilveryMoon Thu 11-Apr-13 20:50:59

hahaha. Am halfway through the original thread. Funniest thing I've read in a long time.
I love love love Mn.

MyBloominMarvellousYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:51:05

Please let the OP be someone at MNHQ

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 20:51:17

Hi, I've just joined, and I'm happy to back up Brian's wife. Brian is a really talented therapist, and really changed my life. I've been having regular sessions with him.

TheYoniOneIKnow Thu 11-Apr-13 20:51:43

Yoni the Tiger (Grrrrrrrreat)

nkf Thu 11-Apr-13 20:51:56

Works a week in hand. Love it.

Jojobump1986 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:52:33

Not to be picky or anything, but I'm sure Brian specifically said that he'd only recently heard about yoni massages on a thread on MN just the other day. Just wondering how he could've managed to give his wife 'many' massages in such a short period of time... [detective smiley]

BriansWife, how much free time do you have?!

SirBoobAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 20:52:49

"I've been having regular sessions with him."

PMSL grin

squoosh Thu 11-Apr-13 20:52:59

17 years minge fiddling experience and £80, that must be one Hull of a fingering. I don't think my common old Yoni is worthy of such expert attention.

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:11

Yeah why not grin

Yoni live once...

Ohhelpohnoitsa Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:30

If mn is laughibg maybe he could try Britains got Talent. They had a dancing dog so why not an expert in tantri yoni massage?

GinandYonic Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:34

Yoni bare bear

SisterMonicaJoan Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:35

Please be assured that Brian is a very caring man whose only concern is the health and happiness of yoni's

Surely the pural is yonii grin

landofsoapandyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:40

Could there be anything worse, following a traumatic birth than -- a dirty pervert-- Brian from Hull massaging the north, south, east and west of your Yoni?

If it's all the same to you I'll pass, thanks very much!

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:49

I will never be able to think of the film title "The life of Brian" again without thinking of yonis..... grin

CatR1 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:56

Hahahaha a yoni! I've not logged in for ages, but this made me lol.

YoniOrNotYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:53:58

"Becky's happy ending" grin


<On a side note, I had to try three different namechanges before this one worked. You're all too quick! Is MN offering a prize for the best one?>

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:01

OP, I have no idea what you're talking about.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:05

Sorry can't fetch Becky, she lives 3 streets away.

I've lurked on MN for a while, that's why I advised Brian to post in Style and Beauty, after reading on here about some of you not changing your knickers very often and even such things as sootikins. I thought the ladies on S&B might have cleaner yonis.

Are people objecting to the yoni massage in general, or just the price? For example, if MrsBrian came forth laden with BOGOF special offers or advertising a 20% discount on a Monday afternoon, would the wrath of Mumsnet be calmed?

Jojobump1986 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:25

(I had to stop reading the other thread after 17/33 pages at the time - all the laughing was giving me Braxton Hicks!)

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:34

Squoosh, brian doesn't judge yonis. He treats them all as things of worth, and I really think that you are doing yourself a disservice to deny your yoni in this way.

Fragglewump Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:38

Dear Brian's wife please don't be upset by us pisstakers mnetters. We are proud that your husband was noble and brave enough to over to slip the finger to random women for £80 while their husbands watch. If my husband had offered such a kind service he would however been denied access to my own yoni and it might be bleach rather than feminine waters which cascaded upon him. Maybe he could half his price for the first few -victims-- volunteers (cough) - got a little bit of sick in my mouth. Then with a few positive references business would be booming in no time!

Oblomov Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:44

This is getting wierder.

YonirockandrollbutIlikeit Thu 11-Apr-13 20:54:49


beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 20:55:08


AnAirOfHope Thu 11-Apr-13 20:55:11

Op can u not see how this looks?

YoniLovesChachi Thu 11-Apr-13 20:55:11

Yeah, he was massaging her fanny before. He just learnt its tantric name and ran with it. It gave him the confidence to perform his fanny massage on the nation. So brave...

DumSpiroSpero Thu 11-Apr-13 20:55:23

OMG! My ex is a slightly worried now shock grin!!!

AwkwardSquad Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:14

I don't know why everyone's taking the piss like this. Come on ladies!* After all, yoni live once.

*insert comma according to personal preference

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:56

Leave the bastard.....

YoniOldClothCatPuss Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:59

ROFLMFWF! Rolling on floor letting my feminine waters flow

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:11

I think the other posters have been very supportive by developing a marketing campaign for Brian.

And with every small business start up it's wrap around customer service that counts. So if you want to make a real success of this Brianswife why don't you offer a post Yoni rub hospitality catering service?

Then you could add the following to your advertising flyer (I'm assuming Brian is going to go door to door and canvas business in Hull) :

Brians Luxury Yoni Treatments..
We give you more - now offering a finger buffet for one in the downstairs restaurant!

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:19

Is this a joke? Oh please someone point me in the direction of the original thread.

I don't think my DP would appreciate anyone else going anywhere near my yoni...

crazydrunkevilyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:21

grin grin grin grin grin grin grin grin

Perhaps he could set up a product test with HQ?


Bambalam Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:45

Oh, Brianswife it's not true that virtually the whole of MN were mocking your husband. Virtually means almost but not all. It was all.

<crying with laughter emoticon>

HeavenlyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:54

My vibrator gave out a strange sound today, sounded like yoni yoni yoni but in a mechanical way wink

Tee2072 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:58:54

Perhaps brainstorm and beckybriansclient should have coordinated...

nkf Thu 11-Apr-13 20:59:12

Finger buffet. Genius.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:59:59

Oh, Becky, so pleased to see you here to back me up! Having difficulty keeping up with the thread and the laptop keeps freezing!

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:16

I do not come onto MN for ONE WHOLE DAY and I miss this !!

landofsoapandyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:23

Are you volunteering, Suzy?

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:39

grin at Fragglewump
funniest thread on MN for a long time.

I wonder what the DM would make of this one? grin

squoosh Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:53

Does Brian get a bit of a Boney when performing a Yoni? What then is the etiquette for honouring his mighty male love spear? Also are refreshments provided for the husband who comes to watch? Tea and some garibaldi perhaps.

headlesslambrini Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:59

Becky - regular sessions, oh my lord whatever next PML

Feelingood Thu 11-Apr-13 21:01:33

So where do I sign up?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:02

OMG mumsnet, you don't half deliver!!!!

Dear Brian's wife,

Your husband is fucking Becky.

How about you post this in 'Relationships' for some advice on how to leave the one and Yoni.

Love LFC

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:28

OP, would your husband Brian be prepared to offer his services to KenDoddsDadsDog

With apologies to KenDoddsDadsDog - I couldn't resist asking the OP the question purely in the interests of taking the piss research.

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:39

Brian's good with keyboards, love- can he give it a bit of a tap, or are his hands full at the moment?

ExcuseTypos Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:45

I want Brian, Brian's Wife and their Yoni, in for a web chat.

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:49

Squoosh I think the DH in attendance would be offered a nice refreshing hand shandy.

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:02:53

I'm wondering if he'll be considering back door massage next - after all if he wants to expand his client list - that is certainly one way. What a variety wink.

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 21:03:36

<<Head tilt in true Relationships stylee>>

Tell me, could Brian be depressed at all and could this be why he feels the need to finger your friends?

NotAWhiteBear Thu 11-Apr-13 21:04:11

So he only charges his travel expenses?
Have yoni, will travel to hull

Yoni no dae that?

Hahaha No Land I'm holding out for the noughts and crosses crisps... But don't let me hold you back! ;)

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:04:43

I have received so many PMs I am afraid Brian is fully booked until the beginning of June now so although many of you are mocking there are plenty of others sensible enough to want to experience what Becky and I have!

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:04:51

Lauriefairycake, I really do think that is out of order. Isthis what mumsnetters do, cast aspersions on the behaviour of kind and generous couples?

BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:05:08

Stop slagging of Brian he has changed my life!

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:05:35

Not so sure about the depression, after all he has been proactive in marketing his services and that can be difficult with depression. I think he suffers from a chronic lack of self esteem and is trying to raise it by offering such a unique service.

RevoltingPeasant Thu 11-Apr-13 21:05:50


Not all us spend all day on MN sad

Feelingood Thu 11-Apr-13 21:06:04

Oooo he could use them BT hotspots for his wifi, the outdoor possibilities are endless......

<googles wifi hotspot things>

RandallPinkFloyd Thu 11-Apr-13 21:06:25

Holy crap.

I had a 'traumatic birth' and I can promise you that if Brian had come within 10 feet of my yoni I'd have stabbed him in the heart.

Serially wtaf! confused

landofsoapandyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:06:32

It's alright thanks, Suzy, DH can service my yoni!

Very happy to 'cast aspersions' you weird threesome of fishy fingered fruit loops

<blows raspberrys> grin

squoosh Thu 11-Apr-13 21:07:06

I'm sad to hear he is fully booked. I'll see if Frank from Farnborough who performs felching is free.

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:07:08

It's gone to Classics!

Feelingood Thu 11-Apr-13 21:07:34

Exercising in green spaces iz zary good for depression

Dawndonna Thu 11-Apr-13 21:07:48

Has Sharon married a Brian? grin

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:07:57

Laurie, im sensing that your quite defensive. I think that your yoni needs release.

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:08:01

Maybe he'll use one of the BT hotspots for wifi but click on the strange characters and then he will be forever saying "I don't know where I am" - perhaps we can but hope?

littlestressy Thu 11-Apr-13 21:08:02

It's in classics. Brilliant.

YoniCantBuyMeLove Thu 11-Apr-13 21:08:08

I've been to Paradise
But I've never been to Hull sad

Perhaps you could help with the admin for the product test? It'll yoni take a few minutes...

ba boom...


mrsjay Thu 11-Apr-13 21:09:02

<whisper> where is your yoni <arf>

PipsWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:09:07


Good one!

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:09:15

He can't give my laptop a tap, Becky, don't you remember its his study night so he's up in the attic and I daren't disturb him!

TSSDNCOP Thu 11-Apr-13 21:09:19

Tomorrow morning on Jezzer Vile: Brian (in clean shorts), Brian's wife and her iffy laptop and Becky and her wondrously cured Yoni.

Sparkling will quite simply combust in her speed to post.

Feelingood Thu 11-Apr-13 21:09:33

There's too much neoplitan ice cream around.

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:10:37

Oh, of course. Have you had the attic sound proofed yet?

headlesslambrini Thu 11-Apr-13 21:11:46

Sound proofed!! Bloody hell what is going on i hull shock

youmaycallmeSSP Thu 11-Apr-13 21:11:55

<runs to look at original thread>

As a frequenter of S & B I am delighted to hear that our Yonis are superior to the rest of MN. They are ver' stylish and beautiful.

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:11:56

Has he got company in the attic then?

Oh fuck I've just realised that if it was on Jeremy Kyle there would be before and after pictures of Beckys Yoni shock

The 'stressed' and the 'cured' version.

Fuck no.

<bleaches brain>

mrsjay Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:11

if anybody touched my yoni during labour i would lamp them and Brian isn't a very mystical name just saying

crazydrunkevilyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:19

Ok hands up who has booked a Yoni massage , I promise I won't tell I just need to know for research purposes wink

headlesslambrini Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:30

*in hull

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:55

Yoni joking, surely!

mrsjay Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:57

<<<googiling Yoni

youmaycallmeSSP Thu 11-Apr-13 21:13:10

I bet Brian had a 'When I grow up I want to be a gynaecologist' t-shirt when he was at yoni uni.

RhondaJean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:13:17

This is brilliant. Quite made my day!

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:14:10

Original thread :

Prepare to have your feminine waters flowing copiously!

<poises to enter names on to official-looking spreadsheet>

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:14:46

Becky, how long does Brian spend ministering his marvellousness to your yoni?

maryz Thu 11-Apr-13 21:15:35

Yipee, another thread for Classics.

I have booked my flights. But sadly could only get a place on a cancellation list sad

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:16:45
beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:16:48

Well, all yonis are different, and I wouldn't want to set up expectations for when you go. But if you need a place for an overnight stay, the travelodge in leeds is really nice.

HildaOgden Thu 11-Apr-13 21:17:01

We need a Yoni smilie.

A pair of lips will do grin

His study night shock Studying the art of the yoni?

maryz Thu 11-Apr-13 21:17:25

And I'm bitterly disappointed that BriansWife doesn't have a giveaway danglybit/hovererererer.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:17:45

Any of you doubters, surely if you are brave enough to push out a baby through your yoni, you are brave enough to experience yoni massage!

And of course, Brian's lingam is not affected by the massage,he is a professional.

YoniAndGuy Thu 11-Apr-13 21:18:19

Wow 17 years.

That's surely a degree in flapology (BC Hons*) followed by a masters in Labiatory Skills and a PhD, probably in something like Complex Responses of the Flange and Clunge to Uneven Digital Pressure.

*Beef Curtain Honours

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:18:47

PMSL! Brian enjoys not only giving the yoni a massage but getting a massage back in return?? Try desperately seeking some action in the classifieds love...

mamakoukla Thu 11-Apr-13 21:18:49

This is tickling my G(iggle) spot

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Thu 11-Apr-13 21:18:52

I think beckybriansclient and brians wife are the same person posting on here.

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:18:54
TiggyD Thu 11-Apr-13 21:19:07

I wouldn't want every Tom, Dick and Harry fiddling with my yeti if I had one.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:19:09

I wish this thread was real.

HildaOgden Thu 11-Apr-13 21:20:31

'Lingam'? Does that ryhme with 'gingham?

beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:20:41

I can assure you I am not Brian's wife. My husband is called Steve.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:20:46

He is studying the Tantra in general

GinandYonic Thu 11-Apr-13 21:20:47

yeti?? grin

Can the yoni massage help pelvic floors? I am laughing so much I fear my bladder is gonna go

YoniAndGuy Thu 11-Apr-13 21:21:14

OP, is it true that Brian has local competition? Or is that van that trundles around with 'TONY'S YONIS' on it offering something else entirely?

Ooh are you going to be our first volunteer tester Chub? smile

BitBewildered Thu 11-Apr-13 21:22:06

I went to Hull once.

Do you think it'll become the new hen night resort? Full of glowing yonis women like --> blush

YoniAndGuy Thu 11-Apr-13 21:22:15

Hubbahubba, are you saying that there's some lingam puppeting going on?

infamouspoo Thu 11-Apr-13 21:22:16

how did I miss this. Having had 6 babies pass through my yoni its having trouble hanging onto my pee as I'm laughing so much grin

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:22:32

What the ACTUAL fuck is a yoni????

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:22:35

Does Steve get in on the action too?? Maybe Brian could teach him some tricks if he's so great at his craft. wink

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:23:05

Sooooo, is there a minibus going to Hull then?

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:23:25

Arf yoniandguy grin

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:23:46

Karmabitch, (appropriate name?) Brian most certainly does NOT have a massage in return! shock

I am not pretending to be Becky, ask MNHQ if you don't believe me.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:23:51

God no. I just find the idea of Pervy Brian from hull's wife coming to defend his honour. Sadly it's clearly just a joke.

I've seen a naked rear view of Brian ( and his whip). That's more than enough for me.

squoosh Thu 11-Apr-13 21:24:10

Who KNEW that when we were attending teenage discos we were being fingered by Eastern mystics and not spotty boys. I feel ashamed I didn't recognise their greatness.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:24:46

To join in the fun though, are you the naughty 46 year old masseuse who joins Brian in his four handers op?

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Thu 11-Apr-13 21:25:37

What other services does brian offer?

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:26:08

Ok some wee just came out grin

No, I'm only 33...

crashdoll Thu 11-Apr-13 21:27:00

"That's surely a degree in flapology (BC Hons*) followed by a masters in Labiatory Skills and a PhD, probably in something like Complex Responses of the Flange and Clunge to Uneven Digital Pressure.
*Beef Curtain Honours"

Posts like these are why I LOVE MN grin

BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:27:41

beckybriansclient* and Brianswife are obviously the same person as I am the REAL Becky and I have the Yoni to prove it!

Oh sorry, I misread through my tears of laughter

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 11-Apr-13 21:28:33

Brilliant, just brilliant.....

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:28:36

Brian works on the docks handling fish all day. Yoni massage is a service he provides, not our source of income.

yonithebrave Thu 11-Apr-13 21:28:37

<hand up>

I booked mine! I'm in for the Yoni massage with a cuppa and chocolate fingers after.

I booked the enhanced package.

OneNightYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:23

It was experiencing a yoni massage that got me in the position of having to push a baby out of it in the first place grin

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:30

Ooo a fishy yoni massage

Sneezingwakestheyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:32

Does he do any cheap deals, brianswife? I can't afford the train fare and the fingering atm.

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:43


beckybriansclient Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:47

Brian has a number of clients. Im very happy that the other beckys yoni has been handled.

ItsYoniMeMikeOxard Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:54

Dear BriansWife, thank goodness you came so to speak. I have been having trouble with my yoni for a while now, but didn't know how to relieve it. I have tried massaging my own yoni, but I don't have any formal instruction in doing it. I keep thinking 'hm, this really is a job for a professional' do you know what I mean? I couldn't ask dh to do it, as he's not sure what a yoni is. Thing is, I can't believe that 80 quid is all Brian is charging - I was so excited when I saw this bargain that all my spiritual waters gushed out immediately. Can you pencil me in for mid-June while I wait for them to fill up again? Obviously I'll be bringing my dh to watch, he's really keen on some guy showing him what to do with his wife's yoni. Thanks!!

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:29:55

Beckyhasapainfreeyoni - do you have a vijazzle spelling out Brian's name?? He seems to be going there a lot.

Brian works on the docks handling fish all day so i don't need to wash first then? good to know!

katydid02 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:30:06

Never going to be able to eat chocolate fingers again now!

YoniOneWayOfLife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:30:38

Seriously OP, you couldn't register as TheWifeOfBrian grin

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:31:34

I'm thinking you could add to the recommended "finger buffet" service by also offering a one stop buff, polish and quim trim?

Leaving the customer with a rosy glow at both ends!

Then you could round the fee up to £100 easily.

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:31:42

Maybe for new clients Brian could offer them free first time? That would surely drum up more business!! wink

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:31:51

arf, YoniOneWay grin

howmanymoreturns Thu 11-Apr-13 21:31:53

Is YONI any connection to YOLO?

You only nookie inside?

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:32:04

Brian works on the dock?

Do you work in a diner all day Brian's wife? Do you work for a man and bring home your pay for love?

By coincidence I think that song was on the album Slippery When Wet.

YouYoniLiveTwice Thu 11-Apr-13 21:32:05

Is Brian Captain Bird's Eye?

PMSL at the day job.

YouYoniLiveTwice Thu 11-Apr-13 21:33:43

Christ it was hard work finding an "only" related quote that hadn't already been nicked.

Furball Thu 11-Apr-13 21:33:50

The Wife of Brian - grin

dingit Thu 11-Apr-13 21:34:25

Do we know his surname. Brian Cunt?

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:34:25

PMSL Chubfuddler, is Brian's wife's name Gina?

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:35:10

ItsYoniMeMikeOxard, yes, we will pencil you in. Brian will be happy to demonstrate his technique to your husband, but remember he cannot be expected to pick up in one session what Brian has mastered in 17 years. However, he should manage the basics to tide you over until Brian can get to you again.

OneIsTheYoniestNumber Thu 11-Apr-13 21:35:11

It was, YouYoniLiveTwice.

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:35:44

I think it might be.

Strangemagic Thu 11-Apr-13 21:36:25

Can I give a miss to the yoni massage and just get the yeti,sounds like much more fun. grin

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:36:40

Brian used to work on the docks
Yoni's been on strike
He's down on his's tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it shot

Ooooohhh we're half way there
Oooooooooooh yoni and a prayer!

Furball Thu 11-Apr-13 21:36:44

surely it's Brian Can

and does anyone remember the thread a few years ago where a posters brian had turned to mush

YoniLovesChachi Thu 11-Apr-13 21:36:51

Here, smell my fingers.

Ah, such happy memories of my days on the docks.

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:37:01

He shot through my minge, and MN's to blame -
Brian, Yoni give Hull a bad name (bad name)

TheYoniOfYawn Thu 11-Apr-13 21:37:20

I'm so disappointed, as Brian's caring nature suggested someone who would care for vulnerable creatures, so I pictured him as a vet who spent his days examining tender pussies and soothing dried-out beavers.

muddysamazingyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:37:26

Fish fingers, anyone. grin

IamFuckingBrian Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:11

Hello. My name's Tracy and Becky recommended Brian's services to me - we met at the baby group organised by our health visitor. I have experienced several of Brian's yoni massages, but last time we got a bit carried away and he used his Lingam for the north-south-east-west bit inside me (if you know what I mean!!). I didn't realise at first, just said "Ooh Brian, you've got a big thumb," and then I opened my eyes and found him on top of me, going more north south than all around the globe as it were. I am not sure whether I should tell his wife this?

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:12

No, my name is not Gina and I am a SAHM.

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:17

ok that's it, JonBonYoni and ChubFuddler what a team you make, I am howling laughing here. I've got to take a break from the thread because my stomach muscles are actually sore and my yoni's about ready to release some feminine waters if I dont stop laughing so much.

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:36

17 years to master giving a woman an orgasm!! Not a quick learner then!

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:40

Beavers can be nasty. Someone bled to death after being bitten by a beaver the other day, it was on sky news.

TheYoniestOfYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:40

I've found it. THE NAME

headlesslambrini Thu 11-Apr-13 21:39:16

So, just how many clients does he have and what is his success rate?

<just ya know wondering>

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:39:29

OFFS @ Brian's big thumb. [GRIN]
Back later after a cold shower.

MacayoniandCheese Thu 11-Apr-13 21:40:11

I don't think I can handle any more of this today...I have cried and wet myself to a state of dehydration and it's yoni 4:30 in the afternoon here; am supposed to be doing RL stuff like making food for the children.

Ew. Ew. Eeeeeeeew at those links!

<reminds self to delete computer history and close all new windows>

stargirl1701 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:40:34


WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:40:49

If you think beavers are nippy you want to try stroking my Honey Badger....

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 21:41:21

I am crying laughing at the Bon Yoni lyrics.

YoniTooTightToMention Thu 11-Apr-13 21:41:41


JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:42:21
ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:42:39

OFFS Honey Badgers and murderous beavers. I can't leave the thread but I'm in agony. Macayoni that's two of us that have cried and wet ourselves to dehydration.

KarmaBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 21:42:58

Those bushes are prickly little bastards too, do be careful!

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 21:44:23

Oh god, Yonitotighttomention has done it now. I don't even have kids and I'm not sure my pelvic floor can take this.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:44:25

It is not about just an orgasm, it took him 17 years because it is a spiritual experience designed to make a woman whole again.

IamFuckingBrian, you must have got your Brian's mixed up. My Brian is a professional.

Fragglewump Thu 11-Apr-13 21:45:48

I love a fish finger butty me. Hull is quite a trek mind ........

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 21:46:24

it is a spiritual experience designed to make a woman whole again.

Please tell us more. How is that achieved?

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:46:27

Yoni back on when we first met
I cannot escape and I cannot forget
Yoni your the one
Yoni turn me on
Yoni make me whole again

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:46:37

No one likes a Brian mixup

TheYoniestOfYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 21:47:03

'Designed to make a woman's hole again' grin

OneTrickYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:47:18

Is your name Trudi then?

I heard Sting had fallen on hard times, but didn't think he would need to moonlight.

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:47:34

Where is Brian cox from??

Professor not actor

Fragglewump Thu 11-Apr-13 21:47:44

I am the one and yoni

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Thu 11-Apr-13 21:48:14

Sounds like a load of BS - "making the woman feel whole again"

Have channel 4 approached you yet to do a real life documentary on your lives?

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:48:28

I am honoured to see Jon Bon Yoni on here, he used to be my favourite singer

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:49:13

Used to?

ItsYoniMeMikeOxard Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:08

IamfuckingBrian did he charge you extra for using his wang (or whatever the tantric name for his winky is)? Because obviously I am VERY interested in this service as well.

OneNightYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:11

I'm not about to fork out £80 without a guarantee that Brian and his fishy fingers will give me a happy ending. Is that part of the contract?

VicarInaTutu Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:35

oh god
i am heaving at The Wife of Brian.....

i namechanged back from TheYoniVicarinaTutu....i thought this ship had sailed....
seems it actually just docked in the sacred feminine waters....

do i need to change back?

TheYoniestOfYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:36

Who do you like now? Yoni Braxton? Yoni Bennett? Yoni Yoni Yone?

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:45

Erm, I'm Spartacus Becky but I haven't been to Hull lately.
However, I do know a Brian.

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:51

could be a similar documentary as the 40 year old virgins recently on. Paying for sex. Its all prostitution and pimping

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 21:51:21

The Yoni ship will never sail.

Yoni upkeep is a lifetime commitment.

ChasingDogs Thu 11-Apr-13 21:51:48

"Recently my Brian offered professional minge massage here on Mumsnet. Some people seemed to think that this isn't a genuine service and that they shouldn't have to part with cash for a bit of a fondling downstairs. What they fail to realise is that my Brian is a professional fondler, unlike their husbands, partners and right/left hands. Professional fondling is a lady-wank like no other, and I'm deeply upset you would consider my Brian to be anything other than a qualified fondling medical professional.


Have I got the gist there ^^ or do I need to wade through the entire thread and educate myself about my yoni? (if it's the latter, feck you all, can't be arsed, I'm off to bed grin)

ItsYoniMeMikeOxard Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:01

Hubba, I nearly peed when I read that - channel 4 documentary. Aha, it's funny cos it's true!

katydidtookheryonitohull Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:01

RebeccaMumsnet, I have to say I smell a you know THE Brian?

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:03

Yeah, my taste in music changed as I grew up

greensleeves is that you?

crashdoll Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:49

Oh Yoni, you came and you gave without taking but I sent you away, oh Yoni.

Locketjuice Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:58

gringringringrin Oh my.. im In the bath laughing.. Possibly a few snorts! pretty sure the boyfriend thinks I have lost the plot well and truely!

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:53:07

<devastated> Yoni give love a bad name

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Apr-13 21:53:57

Alas, no Katy. I am not that yoni, erm lucky sad

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 21:54:12

RebeccaMumsnet, I have to say I smell a you know THE Brian?

There's really no need to slate her personal hygiene shock

I'm sure her Yoni is as fish free as anyone else's grin

headlesslambrini Thu 11-Apr-13 21:55:07

<innocently askes Rebecca Mumsnet> <passes gin>

The Brian that you know - it's tech isn't it? Go on you can tell us, I thought one of those tashes from Movember looked like a Brian.

coughingbean Thu 11-Apr-13 21:55:11

hey yoni
oh yoni
hey yoni
oh yoni

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 21:55:28

Hahahaha... Well smelling of fish would be a dead giveaway to being one of Brian clients, I suppose!

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 21:55:51

Brianswife what do you do while Brian is busy fettling with his clients knicker bacon?

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:01

Yoni love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine my yoni needs!

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:05

Worra grin

Good job I didn't have a brew or a wine or it would now be adorning my laptop screen

Newyearoldmum Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:26

Got to love a good yoni thread. Love mn.

RebeccaMumsnet Did you get the short straw volunteer to run the product test then? I have a spreadsheet of potential volunteers...


BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:57:23

You may think £80 sounds a lot, but yoni get what you pay for I have types yoni that many times my phone doesn't try and correct it any more

JonBonYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 21:57:27

Hey yoni you're so fine
you're so fine you blow my mind
Hey yoni, <clap clap clap> hey yoni

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 21:58:01

I wonder what the questions will be on the Survey Monkey link!

Brianswife can you suggest some appropriate ones?

HolofernesesHead Thu 11-Apr-13 21:58:32

Maybe Brian will peer round the corner of MN's door in a minute and say 'Yoni meeee!'

ItsYoniMeMikeOxard Thu 11-Apr-13 21:58:46

This just in: Hobby horse woman is apparently a client! That's why she was so happy - she was on her way to a session when she was spotted by an eagle eyed mner.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 11-Apr-13 21:58:58


I Yoni want to be with you

ElBombero Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:06

grin Brilliant. Just giggled my way to bed!!

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:08

Brian has never and will never go anywhere near my yoni.
And for the record, I have impeccable personal hygiene <sniffs>

candyandyoga Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:12

I had to read three pages before I Sussed what a yoni massage was! Doh!

Surely this is a wind up?!

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:18

BriansWife, you didn't answer my question sad

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:28

If only hq would unban Hulldad we could have some proper fun (flutters eyelashes at RebeccaMN).

How about a webchat?

YoniOneWayOfLife Thu 11-Apr-13 21:59:32

I daren't look at Brian's website.

But please tell me there's a photo on there of Brian posed like Paul McCartney - Thumbs Aloft Brian, as it were.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:09

Brian is down from the attic and has asked me to write: "Yoni massage is a spiritual experience which involves openness, trust, surrender, dissolution and a feeling of oneness, unity and stillness. The experience of yoni massage allows the woman to fully manifest the feminine, Shakti, the Goddess."

BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:20

RebeccaMumsnet perhaps you need a name change?

How about Rebecca--no not that Becky-- Mumsnet

Rebecca(I've never been to Hull) Mumsnet

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:26

If only aitch could use all this for the round up.

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:52

Blimey I just put 'Yoni massage' into Google images and there are some people having a right old dig about shock shock

<< Coughs and clears history >>

Oogerbooger Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:58

It's Brian's 15 minutes of fame smile

muddysamazingyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:00:58

Well I'll be waiting for the books

Brian and his yonis
Brian and his brazilian yoni
Your yoni and me by Brian
Thanks for the yoni
Yoni cum home
Love your yoni

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 22:01:42

Does shakti like whips? Is that why he's holding one in the pic on his website?

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 11-Apr-13 22:01:53


mombie Thu 11-Apr-13 22:02:00

Is he like a yoni whisperer?

17 yrs of getting your yoni on, you should be more relaxed. Im sorry if your upset, but what did you actually think was gonna happen? Did you think mn was full of bored housewived waiting Brian to do the rounds?

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:02:43

Spiritual....yeah right it's about as spiritual as a greggs sausage roll
We're not doing well on the stillness bit, maybe we need some advice on how to achieve it...up and down the land we are all laughing far too much for stillness.

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:03:06

Brian is down from the attic and has asked me to write: "Yoni massage is a spiritual experience which involves openness, trust, surrender, dissolution and a feeling of oneness, unity and stillness. The experience of yoni massage allows the woman to fully manifest the feminine, Shakti, the Goddess."

AKA "Fanjo prodding - £80 a go"

Just thought it'd save him on advertising costs....

What did I miss? What's Brian been doing in the attic?

Oh my god, have you seen Pedro's song on the original thread? shock


BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:04:23

YoniTime, sorry having difficulty keeping up on this slow laptop, what was your question again?

I have Billy Idol's Moni Moni in my head and have had all day.

mombie Thu 11-Apr-13 22:05:31

sorry for typos, im overwhelmed by what has happened to do...its not me, my yoni made me do it.

mrspinkspanx Thu 11-Apr-13 22:05:32

There was a thread a bit phoney
Offering a rub of your yoni,
He wants his hands on your cash
As well as your gash,
For what? a load of baloney!

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:05:46

"Brian is down from the attic" for some reason that's got me howling more than all the rest of the thread. I missed why he went up there in the first place but I really don't need to know.

mymatemax Thu 11-Apr-13 22:06:15

My dh has said he will offer the same service for £40 and doesnt mind if you call it a Yoni, fanny or mildred!

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 22:06:33

How does he make women whole again?

HintofBream Thu 11-Apr-13 22:06:39

Where is is website? Not that I'm interested........

Is your DH Toni?

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 22:07:11

Saddle up and ride my Yoni
I'm in Hull and feelin' lonely
Saddle up and unzip my fly
Sit around and let his thumb pry.
The first step is the longest
When the tantric stroke is' strongest
Check out from the Hull Travelodge Hotel
Saddle up Brian's thumbs and ride Like hell!
Saddle up and ride my Yoni
I'm in Hull and feelin' lonely
Saddle up and make you quim undry
Get on Brian's coffee table and ride.....

Angelico Thu 11-Apr-13 22:07:35

PMSL grin

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:07:36

You'll never hear this on "What's the story in Balamory"......but maybe Archie could do a little ditty about it...

PipsWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:07:39

I need brain bleach why oh why do I keep clicking the links!!!???

Another one for classics?

YoniiidsAreGreaterThanMine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:08:15

Lay off Brian, people. He is a very caring person whose whole tantric ideology and massage techniques are based on giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. All his clients love him. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.

Thinking of going into business with Brian. Maybe open a massage parlour. I need a marketing strategy {off to leave seedy looking cards in the women's public toilets}

Lueji Thu 11-Apr-13 22:08:30

Surely this is a wind up?!

Surely not?! shock

Chubfuddler Thu 11-Apr-13 22:08:34

There's a link on the original thread. But in all honesty I would rather google dragon butter than look at his saggy arse cheeks again, so don't look. Really don't.

YoniWayisUp Thu 11-Apr-13 22:09:06

I saw an advert by Brian
And thought "hey! That's sounds worth trying"
I picked up the receiver
said "come fix my beaver,
And make me roar like a lion"


If your husband looks like either Russel Brand or Jeremy Renner, he can come whip me Yoni into shape!

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:11:02

My Brian does not smell of fish, he showers as soon as he gets in from work.

Brian respectfully requests that his clients shower or bath before their yoni massage he smells enough fish at work he does not want to dislodge a sootikin

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:11:15

Don't click the links, you might end up with a virus and then it won't just be brain bleach that you will need.......

EchoBitch Thu 11-Apr-13 22:11:40

He makes women feel hole again? hmm

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:11:46

grin YoniWay

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:12:47

I'm trying so hard to stop myself from googling 'sootikin' and 'dragon butter'. I know I'll live to regret it if I do.

You had me at hello wink


infamouspoo Thu 11-Apr-13 22:13:46

gwan. google sootikin then tell me so I dont have too grin

toffeelolly Thu 11-Apr-13 22:14:05

Brian's wife are you for fucking real!

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 22:14:23

Yes, obviously.

DeskPlanner Thu 11-Apr-13 22:14:29

Brilliant. grin

YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 22:15:14

BriansWife you haven't told us how he makes women whole again yet.

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:15:33

Surely this is a wind up?!

No shit Sherlock?

chickydoo Thu 11-Apr-13 22:16:00


WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:16:15

Brian's looking on Mumsnet for swingers,
He doesn't care if they're handsome or mingers,
He wants to massage your yoni, cos he's sad and lonely,
Then sit there sniffing his fingers.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:16:40

YoniTime, Brian's quote was meant to explain that, he makes you spiritually whole by connecting you to the goddess. If you book an appointment, he will be happy to explain himself, unfortunately I haven't studied the Tantra myself as some of it is beyond me.

Worra eeeewwwwww!

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:18:21

I think quite a few of us would want Brian to explain himself but perhaps not in the way that you have in mind.....

PseudoBadger Thu 11-Apr-13 22:19:10

"Some of it is beyond me" - that's the angle I'm afraid. It's why it's best to have a yoni professional I guess


YoniTime Thu 11-Apr-13 22:19:24

But I'm Christian, can he connect me to Jesus instead?

poorbuthappy Thu 11-Apr-13 22:19:38

Didn't Atomic Kitten sing about Brian??

QuintessentialYawnyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:20:14

Why would I connect with a goddess? Through my vagina receiving healing?

I think I need zeus for that....

muddysamazingyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:20:50

It's not even Friday.

IneedAyoniNickname Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:03

I've laughed so much at this and the original thread, that I've woken ds1 up! Whoops

crashdoll Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:14

Yoni is quite a popular Jewish/Hebrew name. When I lived in Israel, I knew many Yonis. I can now never return. sad

QuintessentialYawnyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:21

Does anyone else wonder about the similarity between the names

Jesus and Zeus. Especially when pronounced in a certain impatient way!?

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:30

YoniTime I think you'll find that wasn't really covered by the promises made at baptism or confirmation.

But then again, it could bring on a whole new meaning to 'Born Again'

(no offence intended to one myself)

sunshine401 Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:35


WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:58

But I'm Christian, can he connect me to Jesus instead?

It'll cost you £1.75 per minute from a landline

Other charges apply from mobile phones

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:58

I also advised him to post in Style and Beauty because I thought most s&B readers would have clean yonis

This has to be the best ever day on MN grin my fanjo yoni has a new name grin

YoniWayIsEssex Thu 11-Apr-13 22:22:36

Own up, who nicked YoniBlair grin

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:02

I also advised him to post in Style and Beauty because I thought most s&B readers would have clean yonis

Won't their vajazzles get in the way?

Or is that Yoni way is Essex?

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:16

Worra cue music - Phil Collins, Jesus he knows me......

youmaycallmeSSP Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:45

YoniBlair grin Genius.

babybarrister Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:53


KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:24:36

Dunno, but you could have TwoYonis if you want to follow the politics theme? Wasn't he from Hull too?

QuintessentialYawnyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:24:53

You mean Clean, shaven and Vajazzled Yonis?

MacayoniandCheese Thu 11-Apr-13 22:25:11



A Sootikin is not a real it?

cjel Thu 11-Apr-13 22:25:14

Ow My tummys aching I've laughed so much.

foryonisonly Thu 11-Apr-13 22:25:41

yey, it works. I have a James Bond meets brianf from hull new name!

Worra that yoni way is Essex made me laugh so much a bit of sacred water escaped blushgrin off to wash my yoni in case I'm thrown off the thread for bad hygiene

What is it? I refuse to Google it


WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:27:31

TicketyBoo as long as it wasn't Yoni Yoghurt grin

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:27:55

A sootikin is the younger cousin of Sooty of Sooty and Sweep fame.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:28:43

Women from all religions will benefit from yoni massage and you are welcome to use your own terms to make the spiritual experience personal to you.

Sadly, the sort of women who go in for vajazzles don't usually book yoni massage but Brian is happy to accomdate them if they do.

maryz Thu 11-Apr-13 22:28:52

How do I explain to 15 year old ds2 why I am giggling like a toddler?

I simply can't think of any reasonable (or repeatable) explanation.

SloaneyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:28:53

Dear Brianswife, does Brian offer gift certificates? I'm thinking about ordering one for my son's teacher as an end of term gift, she gets so many chocolate and flowers and I was looking for something a bit different.

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:29:05

Dear Wife of Brian,

So many women are laughing and admitting to pee escaping, Can Brian also help them with this?

Would this rule out these women from his tender spiritual care?

Not clicking...

Thanks Katy... <enjoys being lulled into a false sense of security>

QuintessentialYawnyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:29:34

What if you dont have a Yoni?

Will the bum do?

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:29:45

<< Faints after reading what a sootikin is >>

YoniiidsAreGreaterThanMine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:19

Ewwwwwww!! Sootikin... I clicked on the link (sobs)


SirYoniAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:23

Any new members to MN will be scared shitless by all these name changes.

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:51

Sloaney!!! grin

sittinginthesun Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:56

Too much!!! I'm never going to sleep tonight.

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:59

PMSL @ gift certificate for teacher.

YoniSingWhenYoureWinning Thu 11-Apr-13 22:31:17

God bless Brian

I was still snorting during 3am night feed and again when woken by 5 year old at 5am!

SirYoniAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 22:31:41

Does anyone else keep hearing Monty Python quotes whenever they read the words "Wife of Brian"?

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:32:06

I have no intention of clicking on the sootikin link, nor of googling it. biscuit

sjupes Thu 11-Apr-13 22:32:36

I love all the yoni talk grin

MacayoniandCheese Thu 11-Apr-13 22:32:36

Oh, not to worry quintessential you can request the male equivalent (I have learned a lot today! ) also known as a rub and tug lignum? Lignam? Can't remember what it's called...

Can someone give us the gist? Or is it too vile?

QuintessentialYawnyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:34:31

Finally I can take revenge on my husband for pulling me after a horse along a gritty beach, for my 40th birthday (when he sent me for a Tahitan Lava Rock massage)

Brian should give my husband a call.

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:34:32

Brianswife, would he have a problem with a man of the cloth observing?
I would need to make sure it was spiritually appropriate you see.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:34:42

Yes, your pelvic floor can be greatly strengthened by yoni massage. After my second child I sometimes leaked a bit of wee but now I can trampoline with a full bladder no problem.

Quint, if you are a woman you must have a yoni.

catgirl1976 Thu 11-Apr-13 22:34:49

Oh that's good. That's inspired


muddysamazingyoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:24

I think Brian should explain himself on here.

yonitime me too. grin

crashdoll Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:27

I clicked the sootikin link and now I'm going to my bed to cry myself to sleep.

BlameItOnTheYoniExpress Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:45

<rushes out to buy a trampoline

WorraLiberty Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:48

For those who don't want to Google Sootikin....


A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer women who did not wear undergarments - common until the nineteenth century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt. that your clit or are you sporting a sootikin???

sittinginthesun Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:53

It's mouse-shaped...

LittleBairn Thu 11-Apr-13 22:35:57

Yoni massage, is that like that thing your meant to do before birth to stop tearing? confused

ExcuseTypos Thu 11-Apr-13 22:36:21

SirYoni Yes, I do keep thinking "Life Of Brian".

I've also got in my head "I'm yoni, yoni, yoni, yoni" to the tune of "I'm horney".

It's been going around on my head all flipping day, I almost sang it out loud whilst in waitrose shock

BlameItOnTheYoniExpress Thu 11-Apr-13 22:36:39

arf, crashdoll MN is so educational isn't it? grin

LittleBairn Thu 11-Apr-13 22:37:01

shock good god above sootikin [boak]

KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:38:07

The Life of Brian, yes, and YoniBear - explains the outlandish hair....

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Thu 11-Apr-13 22:38:49

Which MN section do you think has the dirtiest yonis Brianswife

YoniAWintersTale Thu 11-Apr-13 22:39:07


NumericalMum Thu 11-Apr-13 22:39:49

Oh my. I will definitely need a yoni massage after reading this and the OP. seriously got a wet patch from giggling. Only on mumsnet!

MacayoniandCheese Thu 11-Apr-13 22:39:54

<resolves to pay extra special attention to undercarriage maintenance and hygiene from now on>

'mouse-shaped'. WTF!?

YoniAWintersTale Thu 11-Apr-13 22:40:00


Please change to WorraYoni


KatyDidTookHerYoniToHull Thu 11-Apr-13 22:40:20

OK, stop now! I need to get an early night tonight....

May all your yonis be happy ones....sweet dreams!

SophiaTheFirst Thu 11-Apr-13 22:40:31

Just read the original thread, it has to be a wind up?

There can't really be people like that out there can there? Who think that an OP like that would be well received by women on an internet forum?

What on Earth were they expecting? The mind just boggles.

BriansWife Did you and Brian really think that women would get in touch and volunteer to have their VAGINA massaged by a total stranger that posted on a style and beauty board.

There just aren't words.

YoniLoveCanSetYouFree Thu 11-Apr-13 22:41:10

Many's the time I thought what's really holding me back in life is an inability to trampoline with a full bladder.

Errrr rank! Not as bad as some of the things I've Googled thanks to MN though...

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:41:30

LittleBairn yoni massage (or YM, the new MN abbreviation) is great both before and after birth, even during to assist in orgasmic birth.

<twirls about>

My yoni nickname grin

YoniLoveCanSetYouFree Thu 11-Apr-13 22:42:17

Sorry, I've thought.

50shadesofknackered Thu 11-Apr-13 22:42:21

Oh my poor Yoni. I'm not sure it can take much more, I've only just finished laughing hysterically reading Hulldads thread. My Yoni can't take much more.

IamFuckingBrian Thu 11-Apr-13 22:45:42

BriansWife - of course I've got the right Brian. How many men do you think there are in Hull who give yoni massage? I know you don't want to believe me, but he definitely got carried away last time and finished the job with his Lingam. I can assure you that wasn't my magical feminine waters, or whatever bollocks he calls it, dripping from my minge. That was Brian's cum. And if he can do that to me, taking advantage of me, in my vulnerable state, I am sure he is doing it to others. Ask yourself why Becky's so smiley. She's not a Mormon, nor does she do drugs, AFAIK.


WorraLorraYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 22:47:26

Testing grin

YonisLittleBairnClit Thu 11-Apr-13 22:47:27

Oh my Brian I think I will plan a C you will be booked out now everyone knows Brian the magical yoni whisperer.

WorraLorraYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 22:49:09

Anyone else think the OP missed a trick and should have called herself TheWifeOfBrian?

MsJupiterJones Thu 11-Apr-13 22:49:56

The phrase 'trampoline with a full bladder' just made me splutter all over again. I have had to put DS down as I keep waking him up while reading this and the original.

'Sootikin' is beautiful. Something to work on.

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 22:52:15

IamFuckingBrian, I do not believe you. For a start I do not know any Traceys!

twinklestar2 Thu 11-Apr-13 22:53:17

Worra your last limerick made me and OH DIE with laughter

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:53:27

Wife Of Brian,

I have contacted the papers re Brian's magical healing powers, he will probably have full press on door step tomorrow; then queues of women, begging him to heal us all.

People will travel far and wide to be touched by his magic fingers.

HeavenlyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 22:54:24

the bit in italics on the sootikin description had me weeing. Just saying.

leesmum Thu 11-Apr-13 22:54:28

I think id rather put up with a weak bladder and poor pelvic floor muscles than let some qualified Fister sort me out...deary me...
Is this for real???

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:56:19


Don't fight Brian, he will heal you...

Just let him, please.

PseudoBadger Thu 11-Apr-13 22:56:22

Has Brian also studied Yoniopathy? Less is more....

MsJupiterJones Thu 11-Apr-13 22:57:01

I just read DH the sootikin definition. He asked if I was coming on to him.


Cuddlydragon Thu 11-Apr-13 22:57:38

If you see me walking down the street,
Staring at the sky and dragging my two feet,
You just pass me by,
It still makes me cry but you can make me hole again.

Looking back on when we first met,
I cannot escape and I cannot forget,
Brian, you're the one
You still turn me on,
You can make me hole again.

leesmum Thu 11-Apr-13 22:58:16

Is rather spend my days pissin my pants.....this is so very odd it can't be true

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 11-Apr-13 22:58:20

I could have done with something to take my mind off the spinal failing when I had my last csection, unfortunately my yoni was the only part the spinal worked on

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 23:00:02


I am starting the cult Of Brian, I will be leading a delegation up to Hull shortly.

WorraLorraYonis Thu 11-Apr-13 23:00:20

twinkles grin

I really want someone to change their NN to DonCorleYoni

MichaelCorleYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 23:01:08

Will this do?? Just posted on the other thread...

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 23:01:26

grin @ Doncorleyoni - the best yet; genius

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 23:01:52

IamFuckingBrian, or are you the lady who gave her name as Fanny on the booking form who weed on him last week. He told me he won't see her again as he was worried she was getting a crush on him which would interfere with her spiritual growth. He said the sacred waters were definately urine tinged as she realised something was up so he said it was come to spare any embarrassment.

Charlottemerwiak Thu 11-Apr-13 23:02:15

What about lingham licker as a new name lol. Yonis getting milked. grin

Ummm Brian? You know how you massage the North, South, East and West? my yoni doesn't have a south blush

Is mine just a yon? Or maybe an oni?

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 23:05:47

QuickQuickSloe I can't believe your yoni is triangular????

MyDarlingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 23:07:09

grin @ Michealcorliyoni.

MyDarlingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 23:07:58

Yonis can never be milked too much Charlotte, Brian knows that.

YoniAPrawnInWhitby Thu 11-Apr-13 23:08:35

I've thought of a new Yorkshire based name!

Well it's not a square!

Sephrenia Thu 11-Apr-13 23:11:03

Haven't read through completely yet, but am crying with laughter here and when I saw the words 'Bon Yoni Lyrics' in some else's post, I couldn't help but start singing:

'Woah, we're halfway there,
Woah, yoni on a prayer
Take my hand, well make it I swear,
Woah, yoni on a prayer.'

I'll get my coat.


BitBewildered Thu 11-Apr-13 23:15:17

shock sootikins!


DevonCiderPunk Thu 11-Apr-13 23:15:47

TheYoniOneIKnow Your name is giving me a stitch grin

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 23:17:03

I'm amazed no one has renamed to ObeWanKeYoni yet!

Use the thumbs Brian. These are not the flaps you are looking for....

BriansWife Thu 11-Apr-13 23:17:46

Good night all, I must go to bed now. Brian is already there waiting for me! Sweet dreams and look after your yonis!

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 23:19:16

May the tantric force be with you Brianswife

oh my fuck is this thread real? I'm going back to read it all right now grin grin grin

RevoltingPeasant Thu 11-Apr-13 23:20:04

charlotte I dare you to google the phrase 'yonis getting milked'. I just dare you.

<crying with laughter>

No, really, greensleeves reveal yourself now grin

YoniWheretheSunDontShine Thu 11-Apr-13 23:26:56

Get some Rest Wife of Brian, the world will be knocking at your door tomorrow.

oh god lord, just finished reading this thread, it's hilarious! grin

Charlottemerwiak Thu 11-Apr-13 23:32:16

Revolting peasant I could have gone the rest of my life without learning about a squirting yoni don't know about you.

Mrs Brian maybe that's what happened to Ifuckbrian he milked her yoni with his lingham. It's real we've googled it. grin

<only on mumsnet>

Shellywelly1973 Thu 11-Apr-13 23:36:39

This thread opitimises why i love mumsnet!!!!

HullsYoniHalfFull Thu 11-Apr-13 23:36:50

Oh my god, I cannot go to bed because I am still crying with laughter after reading ALL these yoni threads!!! Awesome.

Plus the damn you autocorrect one had me in stitches... My sides hurt...

Nombrechanger Thu 11-Apr-13 23:37:06

I can't google "Yonis getting milked" because I'm watching "Wonders of the Yoniverse" with the other famous Brian - Brian Cocks.

YoniHaveToAsk Thu 11-Apr-13 23:38:19

Been out all day just trying to catch up with all the Yoni threads. Am I going to be here all night?

MyDarlingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 23:40:22

" Am I going to be here all night?"

Who Yonni's?

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 23:48:54

Brian's answering machine message:

If you need milking, call me
No matter where in Hull you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry

Listen, baby
Ain't no pubic mound high enough
Ain't no gusset gully low enough
Ain't no Yoni wide enough, baby
To keep me from thumbing you!

Please leave your name number and bus route after the Beep...


YonisAreForever Thu 11-Apr-13 23:51:41


Thats the BEST Yoni song, I have leaked whilst laughing and I will be off to see Brian.

WallyBantersYoniBox Thu 11-Apr-13 23:53:53
YonisAreForever Thu 11-Apr-13 23:55:14

too much wally, vic falls here. where's brian when you need him

BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 00:07:08

If anyone is coming to Hull here is a link from the visit east yorks website here is some Information

Love the first line,

If you think you know Hull think again grin

BlameItOnTheYoniExpress Fri 12-Apr-13 00:10:03

Wally that's a winner.

EverSoYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 00:11:23

Your husband is a pervert.

BeckyhasapainfreeYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 00:14:32

Why are you all calling him a pervert? Isn't this normal behaviour for friends shock

readyforno2 Fri 12-Apr-13 00:15:24

This thread is amazing! grin

WallyBantersYoniBox Fri 12-Apr-13 00:16:49
EverSoYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 00:19:48

I've just been a little bit sick after clicking that link Wally.

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 00:28:54

Ahhh Mumsnet, I love thee.

YoniYoniYoniYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 07:39:00

Right... Arent linghams those berries at Ikea you get to disguise the horse meat?


Becky's happy ending.


<dies laughing>

theroadtohull Fri 12-Apr-13 08:08:42

Sorry that you are on a low income BriansWife Can you claim benefits?

LinghamStyle Fri 12-Apr-13 08:23:22

Hello BriansWife!

The Wife of Brian is here?


LinghamStyle Fri 12-Apr-13 08:25:56

They have many friends with benefits.

Jarca Fri 12-Apr-13 08:53:51

Thank you BriansWife for offering your DH services.
Sorry, I'm not interested. My DH has been practising the same thing for more than 20 year and it good at that grin
Though he does not call it yoni, massage or tantric.

(I'm not advertising!!!! just boasting about.)

yonigetwhatyoupayfor Fri 12-Apr-13 08:59:45

Personally I think £ 80 is a bargain

CorruptWalnut Fri 12-Apr-13 09:20:06

I read Brian's post last night and Bri's wife's this morning.
I was seriously considering taking Bri up on his services ( am within 50 miles and have my own car).
Unfortunately when Bri's wife admitted Bri was sad about the fact women who have vajazzle don't go for his services I changed my mind.
I came to the conclusion that Bri could never make me whole when he is carrying such grief and sadness around himself.
I recommend counselling and day spa for Bri to get over the disappointment of not being able to dazzle a vajazzled minge with his digits of doom wonder.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 12-Apr-13 09:21:01

Brian works at the dock?? Does he supplement his income (which is low) by some extra yoni massage on board? frigging in the rigging ??

hackmum Fri 12-Apr-13 09:26:06

OP, I have very much enjoyed this, but tell us who you really are. I have my suspicions.

YoniMontanasLittleFriend Fri 12-Apr-13 09:29:15

I work at the docks with brian, and if he handles his clients like he handles the fish the 80 quid will seem a bargain.

HeavenlyYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 09:43:49

Arf Lucyellen

FiftyshadesofYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 09:49:15

I'm slightly worried I've missed the booking details for the group bus to Hull

YonisAreForever Fri 12-Apr-13 09:50:30

Dont worry another delegation is leaving soon, we think Brian should start up a cult, we will sit round waiting to be yonied by him in the attic and eat a healthy diet of fish.

infamouspoo Fri 12-Apr-13 10:12:47

sootikin. What has been read cannot now be unread. grin

BookieMonsterYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 10:19:30

Does he do a group discount?

CoconuttysYoni Fri 12-Apr-13 10:20:32

Brianswife did you mean to be so pervy?

Here it cums now my yoni yoni.
Put your thumb down, turn it around, cum on Yoni
Hey! Brian give me love and I feel all right now
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

'Cause Brian you make me feel, like a pony
So good, like a pony
So good, like a pony
So good, Yoni Yoni

TooYappy Fri 12-Apr-13 10:39:57

Brian Brian Brian
Brian Brian Brian
Brian Brian Brian

Looking from the window above
its like the story of love
can you heal me

Came back yoni yesterday
Moving further away
I want you near me

all I needed was the yoni you gave
all I needed for another day
and I all I ever knew

Yoni You

Sometimes when I think of your name
and it's only a game
and I neeeeeed you
Listening to words I can see you're getting harder each day
When I seee Yoooooooooooooooo

All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
and all I ever knew

Yoni You

brian brian brian
Brian Brian Brian
Brian Brian Brian
brian brian
Brian Brian ........

All I needed was another day
All I need for another day

All I every knew Yoni You
This is gonna take a long time
then I look at what's mine <looks down>
can take no more

Wonder if you understand
With just a touch of your hand behind the closed doors

All I needed was the yoni you gave
All I needed for another day

All I ever know

Yoni You

Brian Brian Brian
Brian Brian Brian

Tis the flying pickets -Yoni You shock They have known for years about Yonis!

YoniTime Fri 12-Apr-13 11:39:16

shock at "Homo sapiens yoni relaxing milk care" link.
*The styling series that the human yoni leads it to the hairdressing throughout the day. To the hair which I repair damage of the hair, and is gathered up with moisture
In one where it is easy to dry, and is easy to get &#23517; &#12464;&#12475; and that are easy to spread out
While water leak Rihm melting away sleeps at night, it penetrates to a core of the hair and repairs it*
Is this Brian advertising on a Japanese site?

MrsMelons Fri 12-Apr-13 12:21:46

God I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I am stunned . . .

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 12:54:58

DS is looking at me like I've lost my mind.

Would 'Lingam curtains' be an alternative name for a yoni? grin

YoniTime Fri 12-Apr-13 13:43:55

No lingam is the "masculine essence" or whatever you want to call it. Lingam curtains makes me think of droopy balls or something.


I'm going with the representation, as quoted by the urban dictionary "Lingam (Sanskrit for "shaft of light") is the term for the Hindu god Shiva as represented by a phallus (erect male organ)"

BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 13:49:41

I don't think I have written a single thing that could be construed as pervy.

BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 13:53:39


If a group of 10 can gather in one place Brian will offer a 50% discount. However, depending on the state of the yoni it can take some time for the sacred waters to be released, so please allow 2 hours per person and Brian will need a 15 minute break between clients, and coffee.

BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 13:55:54

hackmum, just who do you think I am, out of interest? Have we met personally. Feel free to PM me if you want to keep things private.

SueFawley Fri 12-Apr-13 13:56:31

"depending on the state of the yoni"
erm, can you expand on that please Mrs Brian?

yonigetwhatyoupayfor Fri 12-Apr-13 14:03:01

Absolutely pissing myself at the flying pickets song

IYoniWantedAMassage Fri 12-Apr-13 14:11:22

I have to say, I have had one of Brians massages. 'Tis really nice.
No need to shave beforehand.
He's an excellent guitar player.

BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 14:14:32

Both the spiritual and physical state of the yoni, e.g. Becky's yoni had suffered both physically and spiritually.

AnAirOfHope Fri 12-Apr-13 14:22:28

What does he offer men?

twitchno1 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:25:26

I dont log on here much but if all the threads are like this one, i will be on every day!!!!! I am laughing so much im crying!!!! &#128514;

GinandYonic Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:53

he whups it Lingham style


BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 14:32:29

Brian offers men a tantric massage but confines himself to backs, shoulders and necks as he found many men to be uncomfortable with the idea of him touching their lingam.

Does he bring these women to orgasm Brians wife?? Are you alright with that?

YoniTime Fri 12-Apr-13 14:45:07

I heard that there is nothing sexual about massaging someone's yoni to orgasm, Libertine.

BriansWife Fri 12-Apr-13 14:56:35

LibertineLover earlier on in the thread I explained that it would be selfish of me to deny other women the chance to benefit from Brian's skills. It is more than simply giving them an orgasm anyway, surely they could do that themselves? It is a deeply spiritual experience.

Brian's back from his work at the docks and having a rest before embarking on this evening's activities and I really must turn off this computer now and get on with some housework. I never thought I would find the world of MN so strangely addictive.

Does Brian travel any further that 50 miles from Hull?

SueFawley Fri 12-Apr-13 15:07:25

Is he in the attic?

glossyflower Fri 12-Apr-13 15:13:11

If a group of 10 can gather in one place Brian will offer a 50% discount. However, depending on the state of the yoni it can take some time for the sacred waters to be released, so please allow 2 hours per person and Brian will need a 15 minute break between clients, and coffee

Wow, he's got stamina too! A group of ten allowing 2 hours per person AND 15 mins between each, that's about a 22 and a half hour Yoni marathon!!

KareninsGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 15:22:30

This thread has reminded me of this:

"I'm Brian, and so is my wife!"

Maryz Fri 12-Apr-13 16:41:57

If I ever meet a mother with a small child called Brian, I will know for certain she isn't a mumsnetter grin

<apologies to all mums of Brians>

Oblomov Fri 12-Apr-13 16:45:51

Bwian. He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty boy.

fallon8 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:52:50

The name Brian and tantric yoni.dont seem to be a match do they?

KareninsGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 16:54:09

Well, put them together and you get 'briony'...

Quite a charming name IMO.


fallon8 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:57:43

Just read the original post..Blimey,all that and he just needs a coffee? Does he travel? I live in Scotland....

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 12-Apr-13 17:04:18

Karenins I was going to legally change my name to Briony.

I think I might give it a miss, although Yoni is now a contender...

KareninsGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 17:06:53

caja, how about 'Briyoni' as a compromise?

ItsYoniYappy Fri 12-Apr-13 17:13:04


Someone stole my Flying pickets NN

<eye up thread and waits on YoniYou explaining self>

I knew I should have took it there unlike some I cannot sit on here all day

because my mum was coming and she think I am an MN addict

infamouspoo Fri 12-Apr-13 17:21:22

22 hour yoni marathon <weeping>

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Fri 12-Apr-13 20:41:35

I'm surprised he doesn't suffer from RSI

edwinbear Fri 12-Apr-13 23:38:44

BriansWife I am currently recovering from yoni surgery. My consultant tells me my yoni may be tight for a while, is this something Brian could help with? How would he feel about discovering the odd stray undissolved yoni stitch?

OhDearNigel Sat 13-Apr-13 00:22:02

does anyone remember the lingham massage episode of sex and the city where they go to the tantric workshop ?

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