To think that if you want to go on Masterchef you must cook the following dishes:

(241 Posts)
muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:43

Starter:- Pan fried scallops with some sort of slop puree, preferably cauliflower. For extra points add a lump of black pudding.

Main:- Pan fried duck with some sort of fruit, orange, plum or redcurrants always go down well. Serve with either fondant/crushed potatoes and a red wine jus.

Pudding:- Chocolate fondant. Doesn't matter what you serve with it, if it works you will be hailed a genius regardless, if it doesn't, you will be sent home anyway.

If you want to be the wacky, 'inventive' one, add a bit of fruit to the scallops (apple maybe?), change the fruit you serve with the duck to a less conventional one (nectarine, perhaps?) and add some chilli to your chocolate fondant.

I love Masterchef but I'm so bloody sick of seeing the same dishes rehashed all the time!

Maat Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:48

Agreed. The pan fried scallops with pea or cauliflower puree has been going for years.

Latest thing seems to be sticking a bit of crispy fish or chicken skin like a sail in your dinner.

Might try that one. grin

soverylucky Wed 10-Apr-13 21:15:55

How would one fry something without a pan?
Why can't it be just described as fried?

CosmicWanker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:16:35

I started a thread moanin g about Masterchef chocolate fondants a few weeks ago. Bloody stupid things.

You must also learn

How to do shit smears on plates
Do a coulis
Serve your rice like a sandcastle
Cook a fondant potato
Try to cook a tart tatin but screw it up

chocolatesolveseverything Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:05


But don't forget the bit of burnt parmesan (sorry, 'tuile'!) which always has to feature somewhere.

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:50

Why do they even need to call them 'pan-fried' scallops every time? How else would you cook a scallop?!

Ah yes, the bit of crispy fish skin poking out of your mashed potato - yum hmm

The ones I don't get are when they say they have never made something like pastry. If you're going on MC wouldn't you bloody well make sure you'd mastered pastry?

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 21:18:55

You must cook anything which causes the judges to pull pained facial expressions.

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:20:15

Oops, lots of crossed posts! YY to the shit smears and the tuiles, both very important accompaniments to any meal.

And one must NEVER attempt to cook a tarte tatin with anything other than apples - it never works!

LadyMountbatten Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:10

Curry is increasing In popularity.

MrsMorton Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:38

But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard.

Or just not watch and wait for the better versions or the Bake Off series...


muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:00

'Deconstructed' puddings also seem quite popular. Fancy an apple crumble? Well instead of just fucking well cooking an apple crumble, why not put all the ingredients on a plate in separate little piles with a shit smear across the middle instead? Same goes for banoffee pie.

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:04

Itsjustafleshwound - Not watch it? shock But then what would I have to moan about? grin

CosmicWanker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:27:20

Lol at shat on a plate.

AThingInYourLife Wed 10-Apr-13 21:29:46

"But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard."


AThingInYourLife Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:47

They should have more people on who don't know the difference between pork and lamb.

Imagine the kind of smears he'd be doing!

Who knows what he might fry in a pan?

HappyGirlNow Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:00

grin @ mrsmorton and 'she might as well have shat on the plate'

Loislane78 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:52

YANBU grin

Another is use every part of an animal and cook each using different methods but served on the same plate with a shit smear ie. pork loin with some raw offal-like bits on the side, served with pork trotters shaped into squares with Japanese breadcrumbs round the edge, topped with crispy deep fried pigs ears.


Samphire, you`ve forgotten the samphire, it is an absolute must to use that this year grin

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:40

You need to be able to make any dessert in order
To make Greg Wallace eyebrows do a dance!!!! grin

'On a bed of rice'

It's just with rice FFS

SavoyCabbage Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:19

Greg must have a poached pear. And John 'Asian flavours'.

And aswell as the obligitary skid mark, you must spend 2 hours making a 'jus' (or fekin gravy as we call it), and then place tiny droplets of it around the plate.

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:08

You could give Greg a turd to eat if you want, as long as it's covered in half a tonne of sugar he will still orgasm over it.

Moominsarehippos Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:40

Hand made pasta
Bloody scallops
Anything tooth-achingly sweet
Weird curly cress-like leaves sprinkled on top
Sous-vide or whatever the water bath thingy is called (where the food looks like raw shite)
Or anything with mango (as per last joint winner)

I hate the plate smear thing. If I want sauce, I want loads of it (nor something that looks like a tiny dog has wiped its bum on the plate).

You don't see many spam fritters, do you?

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:31

When I enter Masterchef, I am going to get through the first few rounds by cooking scallops and shit smears, then when it gets to the round where I have to do a 3 course meal for the critics I am going to make a prawn cocktail followed by spag bol, finished off with a fairy cake, or maybe a victoria sponge if I'm feeling generous.

Loislane78 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:52

I like Greg and all but he needs to learn how to use cutlery properly; the way he nearly elbows people in the face every time his digs into those deserts with the biggest spoon available is a bit gruff.

belfastbigmillie Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:31

muminthecity - you need to sell your ideas in review form to a paper. Brilliant smile

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:48:43

Moominsarehippos - Extra brownie points if you have 'foraged' for the weird curly leaves yourself.

Lomaamina Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:50

This is all so, so true.

One other missing detail: any meat that a normal, sane person would want to eat cooked has to be served raw pink. Yuk.

Lomaamina Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:53

Oh and forget getting a plateful of decent food. You've got to have doll-sized portions instead.

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 21:57:15

Lomaamina - If you cook a big hearty plateful they will tell you it is unrefined and request doll-sized portions instead. However, if you present a doll-sized portion they will tell you that it isn't hearty enough and that they would prefer a great big bowlful drenched in sauce instead. You can't win!


It's just picking stuff

CatsRule Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:20

Lol this has cheered me it!

grin at shat on a plate and shit smears!

My own personal favourite it the baby sick...or more commonly described as foam of pear and cauliflower (or something equally mismatched)

forgetmenots Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:25

Actually laughing out loud at this. YY to shit smears, scallop and slop, feckin fondants... Also hate the idiots who can barely boil an egg but want to make liquid nitrogen fart biscuits or whatever...

Hate John Torode's food, I never want to eat it.

Also hate it when any dish from someone's 'heart', often to do with their mum's cooking from other cuisines is automatically amazing (often it's Caribbean or Italian food), but if someone from (in my case) Scotland did that, a plate of mince and tatties would be unacceptable. (Insert regional dish as appropriate!)

Iaintdunnuffink Wed 10-Apr-13 22:28:39

Recette Creme Anglaise with Flavours of Samphire
Served on a Pillow of Salsify Foam

BeyondIsBloodOfTheDragon Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:56

Pick random recipe. Make it

1. Deconstructed or
2. With a twist


And...... every bloody episode Jon says `its too sweet` cut to Greg `It can never be too sweet for me` with that pervy face gurning.

StayAwayFromTheEdge Wed 10-Apr-13 22:37:14

Samphire - I tried it for the first time last week - it looked like grass and it tasted like grass...


muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 22:39:40

Ah yes, how could we forget the foam! I'm starving hungry, haven't eaten all day, you know what I could really do with? A nice big spoonful of foam. How satisfying hmm

grin at liquid nitrogen fart biscuits. Served by the 'wacky, inventive' one who forages for his own stinging nettle leaves to sprinkle over said fart biscuits.

forgetmenots Wed 10-Apr-13 22:40:49

Foraging = weeding.

Kiriwawa Wed 10-Apr-13 22:41:19

I am weeping at the tiny dog wiping its bum grin

How is it that they can choose to make anything in the final test and yet 2 out of 3 of them make the same fecking thing?!

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 22:41:39

Don't forget lamb
That's over cooked! But it's
Really perfect to us mere mortals!

Moominsarehippos Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:17

I hate the foam. I remember commenting to the chef. Years ago at a tasting that it looked like cukoo spit. He wasn't impressed.

Anyone cooking indian/asian food ('from the heart', 'my mums cooking', etc) usually does ok. Shove on a few pomegranite seeds (waste of time they are) or the local equivalent of HP sauce and you're laughing. Shame my mum was a war child, so ate all varieties of revolting food/offal with delight. I don't think potted calves foot jelly would go down all that well (bleurch).

gwenniebee Wed 10-Apr-13 22:45:03

You can cook anything you like, so long as it's "your take on" it.

dairymoo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:46:04

Totally agree with all of this. Has anyone seen this on Youtube - hilarious!

floweryblue Wed 10-Apr-13 22:47:00

Just wait till they get to the boning/filleting challenges, isn't that what we have butchers/fishmongers for?

And for tiny dog bums, I think as a responsible owner you should be carrying a poo bag.

FreshLeticia Wed 10-Apr-13 22:47:10

Hahahahahaha. Brilliant thread. Shit smears and baby sick grin

MajorDivvy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:49:39

I'll admit to just marking my place here. I hate tiny dots of sauce with a meal - If I have gravy I want my food swimming in it.

Moominsarehippos Wed 10-Apr-13 22:50:37

Or anything cooked '3 ways'. Make a decision, already!

Does anyome else yell at the telly 'stop pissing about and shove it on the plate!' When the restaurant chefs are giving a mm by mm blueprint of how the food should go on the plate? Do they ever wake up in the morning and think 'fuck it, with all the famine and wars in the world, does it really matter?'.

MajorDivvy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:57:30

dairymoo DH and I thought that vid was so funny!

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:01:05

And why can't there kitchen area be messy! Mines looks like a
Bomb has hit it
The time I done

starfishmummy Wed 10-Apr-13 23:01:05

Don't forget you have to go on a journey.....

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 23:01:27

Yes, always best to cook things 3 ways, God forbid anyone should just cook a piece of bloody fish, no, you must pan fry one bit, serve another bit raw the the third must be wrapped in cling film and shoved in a water bath, and the skin must be served crispy and sticking up out of the mash (see previous posts about fish skin.)

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:03:36

Don't forget saffron infused rice!

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 23:05:03

Also, when asked why you have entered Masterchef you must say "I just want to see how far I can get in the competition," despite the fact that that is a boring, predictable, stupid response that doesn't even really answer the bloody question.

BeCool Wed 10-Apr-13 23:05:55

For the first time ever I've not been able to get into Masterchef. Disappointing but I bored by it

I am however addicted to Australian Masterchef. Totally different format. Love it.

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:07:04

Id wud love to see somebody lick their plate! Ha

almapudden Wed 10-Apr-13 23:07:49

Au contraire, they would love jellied pigs' trotters, but only if served with a purée of pommes sous-vide with anchovy and cucumber foam and a calf tongue and pomegranate ganache.

Howling at this thread. I love Masterchef but it's so bloody cheffy.

DH hates scallops, and I have a scary seafood allergy. When we see more fecking scallops yet again, we eye roll.

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:10:30

I'd do steak pie and chips and trifle haha

Moominsarehippos Wed 10-Apr-13 23:10:45

Just a tiny dogs arse-wipe of ganache mind. Don't want to over-do it.

Speaking of trifle, I got on Britain's Best Dish doing trifle but ended up missing the filming on account of being in hospital having life-saving surgery.

I hit the magic buttons of "alcoholic pudding" and "possesses big boobs".

grovel Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:14

You missed Jilly G! She's lovely.

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:44

Oh no horry!! I think u shud let us sample ur trifle

ChairmanWow Wed 10-Apr-13 23:17:12

Any kind of non-British street food. I'd love to see British - a deconstructed doner kebab (cooked sous vide) anyone?

I hate Greg's sex face which he deploys when sampling the puddings, accompanied by that chuckle he does and him going 'Cor, that just jumps of the plate and gives you a big sloppy kiss. Phwoar!'. A girl could have nightmares about that face.

cricketballs Wed 10-Apr-13 23:18:41

I've always said that despite my cooking being brilliant wink I could never go on there (when dc tell me to enter) as I like my meat COOKED and not still running around the plate

muminthecity Wed 10-Apr-13 23:18:45

Horry - Was your trifle deconstructed? Was it topped with a champagne and truffle foam, sprinkled with foraged nettles and served with a liquid nitrogen fart biscuit? If not then you may not be of Masterchef quality just yet wink

On a serious note, congratulations! I hope you are fit and well again now.

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:22:52

His eyebrows dancing and the phwoaaaar make me and Dh chuckle! Some advocate for ww he is?!!!! Do u reckon he's had a gastric?

Yes I'm fine thanks, it was 2009.

It wasn't deconstructed but it was ginger/whisky rather than strawberry/sherry though.

Bakingnovice Wed 10-Apr-13 23:30:13

Haha. Cannot bear Greg. He knows fuck all about food anyway.

My personal pet hate is every dish looks like you'd need to go to the chippy after. And stop with all the carefully placed miniature baby leaves: baby baby spinach, baby lambs lettuce, baby cress. And no more petals on the plate. I've tasted these edible petals. They taste like shit.

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:33:00

Hahahah this has made me chuckle

SingingSands Wed 10-Apr-13 23:42:02

Don't forget when cooking for the judges, you MUST run out of time to make your dessert and just end up serving melted ice cream.

lovetomoan Wed 10-Apr-13 23:45:39

muminthecity Steamed, as I had them at my chines friend's house.

lovetomoan Wed 10-Apr-13 23:46:01


or a pancake with chocolate sauce served with tearful face. Agree with weird meat, and it must be fried, then oven cooked, but STILL raw in the middle.

happybubblebrain Wed 10-Apr-13 23:58:54

I loved the kid's Masterchef when a posh boy with a red face took his cakes out 10 minutes into cooking time, sprinkled baking powder on the top of them and put them back in to finish cooking. I laughed for at least 15 minutes. There needs to be more of that.

almapudden Wed 10-Apr-13 23:58:59

If I went on masterchef I think I'd serve curly fries in a bowl with ketchup and mayonnaise garnish*

*this is my guilty pleasure meal

MajorDivvy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:04:07

almapudden if I was a judge on that episode I'd give you top marks and instantly declare you the winner!

I'd cook my 'lazy' shepherds pie - Use Veggie soup instead of veg, and garnish with sliced boiled potatoes! grin (honestly it tastes blinking fantastic!)

snowday Thu 11-Apr-13 00:13:22

And don't forget that you absolutely must use microherbs...............

sashh Thu 11-Apr-13 04:13:27

When did things start to be 'pan fried', how else can you fry?

I suppose you could deep fry, but then you'd say that.

TheRealFellatio Thu 11-Apr-13 04:26:27

I detest the shit smear on a plate thing.

I also detest the foam thing. It looking fucking grim. Like spume. Like manky polluted sea foam on a dirty beach.

Although I will concede that I ate scallops (pan fried, natch) with a puree of some sort (probably cauliflower) and a white truffle foam a few weeks ago and it was UTTERLY DIVINE.

I could just do without the skidmarks.

Moominsarehippos Thu 11-Apr-13 07:15:53

Do people really eat meat squeeking these days? Its been a long time since I ate meat but even when I was little in France it at least hit the pan/grill before serving.

Trazzletoes Thu 11-Apr-13 07:29:53

John did have a point about that chicken curry though - why the heck she used curry powder and chicken breast I have no idea <ducks>

Does anyone remember way back - I think it was in the 2nd series or something - a lad in the first round invention test literally opened and drained a tin of chickpeas and then did something like squirt some tomato sauce round them and that was his dish! He didn't even heat them up! Genius. Surprisingly he didn't get very far though.

fluffyraggies Thu 11-Apr-13 07:30:42

Hilarious thread grin

One thing that really puzzles me is the amount of contestants who are flummoxed when they are asked to:

make a souffle,
make some pastry,
make some pasta,
do a bit of 'sugar work',
fillet/bone a fish,
make a custard
or differentiate between raw meats.

I'd make damn sure i could do all the above properly before applying to go on the telly to cook, and it amazes me how many don't.

(can't do all the above personally, but then wouldn't apply to go on MC either grin)

MoreBeta Thu 11-Apr-13 07:44:23

I always want to know how they keep the food hot until the judges eat it. The way TV filming actually works the tasting must happen aaaaaaages after the actual cooking has been done.

I bet the judges are eating cold food.


DevonCiderPunk Thu 11-Apr-13 07:51:08

The language is getting repetitive, too. Crushed potatoes. Can't they mix it up a bit? Overwhelmed potatoes.

Bilbobagginstummy Thu 11-Apr-13 07:59:25

It's the poncey restaurants that are the worst for smears of stuff and 3 inadequate drops of sauce. Wouldn't want to eat most of the dishes the contestants are set to make in the professional kitchens.

I made a chicken and mushroom stir-fry last night. It was yummy, unlike most of the Masterchef efforts. But I didn't serve it with smears or foam, and there were no pansies, so John and Greg would have gated it.

Bilbobagginstummy Thu 11-Apr-13 07:59:57


Convert Thu 11-Apr-13 08:15:00

Love this thread grin

I too have the urge to get on to the actual program, do really well, then for the last bit when you cook your own dishes, do smilie potato faces and chicken dippers. Followed by angel delight, deconstructed of course.

Trazzletoes Thu 11-Apr-13 08:22:09

Oh and when it's the mass catering challenge...

Spaghetti bolognaise...
Chicken curry...
Vegetable bake(?! Whatever that is!)...

Apple crumble!

All totally novel ideas! Well done contestants!

MoreBeta Thu 11-Apr-13 08:23:15

Has anyone done 'soil' yet.

A 'soil of mushroom's on a bed of cauliflour puree with a garden of vegetables' may just have been the worst thing I have ever eaten.

I bet someone does 'soil' if they haven't already. It tastes like soil, looks like soil and it may as well be soil.

happyscouse Thu 11-Apr-13 08:35:50

MoreBeta. Arf at soil..I believe they do another one called snow usually on puds, I don't mind betting both will turn up before the final.

Moominsarehippos Thu 11-Apr-13 09:02:19

I think that the mass catering challenge should be 'cook 200 filling, nutritious meals for the needy at Shelter spending only 50p a head' not 'cater for the diamond wedding pah-ty or Sir and Lady Ponsonby-Smythe and the Generals of the Hoity Toity Club, Mayfair'.

SignoraStronza Thu 11-Apr-13 09:04:25

Went to a French wedding once and DH's succinct description of the food was 'Alright I suppose, but rather lah di dah and faffed about.' It was either raw or venison/foie gras. Being a. pregnant and b. a bit icy about the animal welfare aspect I left hungry. No one really noticed though, as long as I copied the (emaciatedly thin) other Ladies by making lots of enthusiastic conversation and noise about it and pushing it round my plate.wink

The fish man throws in a load of that samphire stuff for free round these parts. I imagine it would cost a fortune in a posh London deli.

Moominsarehippos Thu 11-Apr-13 09:11:06

Selfridges sells it. It just looks like squidgy weeds to me.

bigkidsdidit Thu 11-Apr-13 09:18:55

About 10 years ago I ordered a peach crumble in a Gordon Ramsay restaurant, when it came it was a sliced raw peach with crumble scattered on top angry it was shite. MC always reminds me of that disappointment.

ivanapoo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:20:07

I really, really want one of the contestants to draw a cock on a plate using one of those squeezy plastic bottles full of the red wine and star anise reduction they just spent three hours making.

Greg must sweat syrup.

slug Thu 11-Apr-13 10:32:26

Obviously the scallops must be deep fried, possibly in batter reveals Scottish roots
Lamb, served cooked not practically still baaing as appears to be de rigour in poncy restaurants these days

arabesque Thu 11-Apr-13 10:50:57

I bet you common lot put the gravy or cream straight onto the plate, instead of serving it in little doll size jugs. Chavs!

LaVolcan Thu 11-Apr-13 11:41:09

What you lot are all missing is a passion for food, whilst serving up some sickly-sweet deconstructed treacle sponge for Greg a bag of flour, sugar and a tin of golden syrup, plus some raw lamb/duck/whatever for John, but packed full of flivour.

And the lucky ones go through to the next round and satisfy their burning literally desire to work in a hell hole of heat with some ghastly chef shouting obscenities at them professional kitchen.

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 12:39:29

I love 'Overwhelmed potatoes' grin. They should think up some new adjectives to describe mash - 'disappointed new potatoes' maybe? 'anxious king Edwards'?

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 12:40:09

Sir and Lady Ponsonby-Smythe and the Generals of the Hoity Toity Club, Mayfair grin

CheeseStrawWars Thu 11-Apr-13 12:57:09

On the pan fried point, I don't see anything wrong with specifiying "pan fried", i.e. fried in just enough oil to cover base of pan, to distinguish it from:

Shallow fried: partly submerged in oil

Deep fried: totally submerged in oil

Dry fried: wipe smear of oil in pan

Griddle fried: shallow fried on griddle pan.

ToysRLuv Thu 11-Apr-13 13:30:35

Dairymo: I've seen that before, but it still makes me nearly piss myself laughing.. That shit smear of ketchup grin !

I should go on and cook food that my mediterranean mother taught me to cook, straight from the heart... spaghetti with a jar of ready made tomato sauce. With a slice of Viennetta for pudding. Yum! Not everyone in these "foody" countries is a good cook or gives a monkeys about food..

ToysRLuv Thu 11-Apr-13 13:34:14

I should add that the spaghetti would most definitely be shop bought, as well. Although I could buy that refrigerated "fresh" pasta for that special something to really knock the judges off their feet..

ToysRLuv Thu 11-Apr-13 13:38:28

I might not have the time, but could get a block of cheese instead of ready grated to top the pasta with. I would grate it with one if those rotating mill things that my 3 year old loves. Et voila - Surely that is perfection!

MoreBeta Thu 11-Apr-13 13:52:05

I dont get the obsession with 'fresh' pasta.

TBH every time I go to a restaurant where they are doing some sort of fresh pasta linguine with squids ink nonsense on a plate it always seems cloying and squidgy. Doing it with really good Italian brand of dried pasta made in a high quality factory is a lot better to me.

DevonCiderPunk Thu 11-Apr-13 13:58:06

Having a good cackle at all these emotional potatoes. Horrible things happen to potatoes:

Bereaved potatoes (mash)
Divorced potatoes (chips)
Caesarian potatoes (jackets)
Discombobulated potatoes (rosti)
Narcissistic potatoes (fondant/piped)
Hanging potatoes (fried)

slug Thu 11-Apr-13 14:21:14

Mature potatoes (not new ones)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 14:42:52


thanks for the video, made me laugh out loud

here's another good one:

buttery biscuit base

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 14:45:10

yy to dribbles being replaced by droplets being replaced by smears. It's like a Primary School toilet on a plate

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 14:47:41

naive potatoes (new)

Miggsie Thu 11-Apr-13 14:50:53

It's celeriac puree that they all do.

Moominsarehippos Thu 11-Apr-13 15:02:41

Or "crushed potatoed' which are just an excuse for crappy mashed if you ask me.

ToysRLuv Thu 11-Apr-13 15:16:17

I don't get the obsession with tarte tatin. Just make a normal pie ffs. None of that upside down nonsense.

And creme anglaise is CUSTARD!

meddie Thu 11-Apr-13 15:34:07

masterchef Scouse version

Iceland prawn ring, blasted in the microwave to ensure a hot outer and icey crisp inner.

Findus crispy pancakes, charred around the edges and lukewarm filling, accompanied by frozen veg (extra oints for weird tasting peas) with a shit smear of value tomato ketchup.


Deconstructed Angel delight. ( a bowl of powder and a cute mini bottle of milk next to it.)

meddie Thu 11-Apr-13 15:35:18

Omg forgot the chips... Cheesy chips to accompany main...

MrBloomsMarrow Thu 11-Apr-13 15:41:48

I actually thought that the scallops had been less omnipresent this year. I genuinely couldn't eat my lunch after reading about Greg's "sex face". And totally agree about the foam - it looks like the scum you get floating on top of the pan when you boil dried beans. And I so wish that John would stop calling pasta "parsta".
I'm waiting for someone to do prawn cocktail (with thousand island dressing from Morrisons), well done steak and black forest gateau.

LaVolcan Thu 11-Apr-13 15:46:50

It would have to be a deconstructed black forest gateau though for the contestant to get through to the next round.

NinaHeart Thu 11-Apr-13 15:49:08

I love this thread.

My menu is
Scallop wallop
Thai pie
and Brisket biscuit.

itshothere Thu 11-Apr-13 15:56:37

So funny reading this thread. Nothing new to add, but I love and will adopt the term shit smears grin .

Moominsarehippos Thu 11-Apr-13 15:57:32

Bloody 'deconstructed'. It's deconstructed pretty well when its worked its way through my digestive system, thank you very much. I want it constructed.

In all seriousness I'd love to see them do an Allergies Challenge.

And what's with all the bloody water baths or whatever for the fish. Oh yes we all have access to those hmm

LondonMother Thu 11-Apr-13 16:10:33

Did you see the guy years ago who fried a pork chop and poured a bottle of Amoy sauce over it? Best round ever.

ICBINEG Thu 11-Apr-13 16:21:21

<snort> skid marks <snort> I ALWAYS wondered what they were called....

grovel Thu 11-Apr-13 16:25:45

I like Marmite on plain chocolate digestives. Do think that would tickle their tastebuds? What chance of having both of them available for the invention test?

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 11-Apr-13 16:29:44

So just trying to get my head round this everything has to be deconstructed. Even a fondant potato (i've just looked it up) is basically roasted/ fried before being boiled - hence a reverse roast potato.

LaVolcan Thu 11-Apr-13 16:50:33

You've just coined a new term MisForMum:

"Red raw lamb with Reverse Roast Potato on a bed of pea and parsnip puree."

Mmm, my tastebuds are salivating right now.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:23:33


love the "deconstructed Angel Delight"

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 11-Apr-13 17:26:01


re: Marmite and digestives

That is very much along the lines of the salted caramel craze.

What next?

Chocolate and anchovy mousse?
Nutella-stuffed olives?

grovel Thu 11-Apr-13 17:56:00

Jamie, two outstanding ideas. I'll report back.

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 18:24:24

I want my food on a plate, a good old fashioned honest plate.

Not a dry ice smoking fish bowl

Not a chopping board where all the sauce runs off and

Definitely not a cocking slate

<breathes and stops pointing and shouting>

Allthingspretty Thu 11-Apr-13 18:30:09

Meddie grin
Yes what is a scallop without black pudding?

Samnella Thu 11-Apr-13 18:51:26

grin grin grin

This is hilarious.

MrBloomsMarrow Thu 11-Apr-13 19:56:32

Who is watching tonight? Apparently John's dish that they have to re-create involves....scallops! I keep thinking about the microwaved prawn ring - surely that's a massive food poisoning risk?

My Grandad used to put butter or jam on weetabix and eat them like biscuits. They could be served with the weetabix stacked in some fancy way and a little pot of jam or butter next to it

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:18:19

MrBloom - I'm watching! Was very impressed by Barry's 80 different shit smears on one plate - he will go far.

Am also shock that John's scallops are in pasta rather than pan fried with a puree. Has he lost his mind?

MrBloomsMarrow Thu 11-Apr-13 20:21:24

You mean in paarsta?

I am eating pan-fried fillet steak on a bed of creamed Savoy cabbage and wilted kale while watching. It is bloody awesome (Dp is away and I'm treating myself)

I loved the retro smears

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:24:15

Why would you go on masterchef if you've never cooked pork?

MrBloomsMarrow Thu 11-Apr-13 20:26:32

Disaster! James' ravioli has split open!

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:27:07

I'm about to eat some homemade chicken soup with a buttered roll. 'Rustic home cooking' I believe it's called wink.

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:28:04

They all did shit in that round, didn't they? Mind you, I didn't much like the look of John's dish either.

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:30:11

Oh good, shit smear Barry is still in. His final round should be fun to watch grin

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:30:32

What is the point of the professional kitchen round, they never take it into account at the end

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:31:44

A fecking trio ffs

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:36:17

A trio, a quenelle and a bisque all in the first few minutes of the professional kitchen. A hat trick of stupid, unnecessary things with silly names. Brilliant!

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:37:36

Its to see if they can perfect their shit smears handle the heat of a professional kitchen. But you're right, they never seem to consider it when picking their winners.

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:40:50

Those steaks look good though but not with a fecking fondant and if you can't control a cucumber you should hang you head

ThePskettiIncident Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:10

It's the fecking plates that get me. Here's my dish - roughly the size of mouse shit for someone with the appetite of a gnat on this poncey piece of Cornish slate that weighs roughly as much as a slightly portly master chef...

Or some ridiculous huge white bowl with three pieces of pasta in it.

Iaintdunnuffink Thu 11-Apr-13 20:41:27

Bisque is short for thin watery soup.

Iaintdunnuffink Thu 11-Apr-13 20:45:01

Oh dear, it's a rich creamy soup. Feck me, for years I thought it was a clear one. Hangs head in shame and departs from the room.

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:46:11

Rhubarb sauce on fish, scallops an random meat with fruit, god she'll tell us she foraged it next

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:47:25

Ahh nod to routes and black pudding

Red pepper sauce and tapenade, there's going to be shit smears I can feel it

Magrathea Thu 11-Apr-13 20:48:45

Scallops and duck aff

Greg won't be happy he's not getting a pudding

almapudden Thu 11-Apr-13 20:51:31

Velouté is the thin watery one, isn't it?

forgetmenots Thu 11-Apr-13 20:52:32

And consommé!

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:55:18

Ah I love Barry, he's practically done my exact menu, only with added foam! I hope he wins grin.

Sleepyfergus Thu 11-Apr-13 20:56:17

Loving this thread, very funny!

What really gets my goat, apart from just about everything already mentioned, is when they are cooking for the critics, nobody helps them carry the dishes through. I mean, they cook them, then have to take them through (2 trips usually) and have to reverse through the door using their arses just to open tbe swing doirs. What would happen if they dropped a dish? (Apart from making 'good' telly). I never seen that happen yet mind you.

It's the same situation in that Great British Menu too

Would it kill them to fit automatic doors, or employ someone to hold open the door or help carry stuff through.

And breathe. I don't get out much...

DevonCiderPunk Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:13

Someone has offered up a chorizo foam.

Sausage. Foam.

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 20:59:47

Oh yay, we get to see more of shit-smear Barry in the next round. I'm predicting mackerel 3 ways and a chocolate fondant for him in the quarter finals.

Loislane78 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:02

sleepy that's soooo true about the doors, hehehehe grin

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 21:00:46

Sausage foam, yum, sounds really hearty and filling, doesn't it Devon? grin

ToysRLuv Thu 11-Apr-13 21:12:11

I don't remember who it was, but in one of the recent episodes someone, with lots of plates to be carried through to the critics, actually said "I was rather hoping that you guys could help me carry it". John and Greg did some "how dare he" faces. And did they lend the poor chap a hand? Like bollocks they did grin

dont forget the ballotine

Ridersofthestorm Thu 11-Apr-13 21:16:39

Greg always does that funny thing with the spoon were he literally looks like he is scraping everything off it with his gob. He does it really slowly too, me and dp always take the piss out of him for it.
Man he love da cake!!

muminthecity Thu 11-Apr-13 21:21:01

Ah yes the ballotine. Got to have a chicken ballotine served with confit chicken wing and crispy chicken skin, or perhaps a chicken liver on the side, accompanied by some nervous potatoes and a few shit smears at some point in the competition.

LaVolcan Thu 11-Apr-13 21:23:41

But we did have the Reverse Roast Potatoes served up tonight i.e. fondant potatoes.

Plus another one who can't do mashed potatoes! What is wrong with them? That's so basic. shock

OhDearNigel Thu 11-Apr-13 21:30:22

The professional kitchen experience is so bogus. Unless they make them work 11 days straight beforehand from 9am through to 11pm with no break, sight of daylight or fresh air, shout at them constantly and feed them a diet of Marlboros, coffee and red bull.

Loislane78 Thu 11-Apr-13 21:30:54

Have you also noticed that in later rounds when the contestants are really up against it time worse, they just chop a finger top off or gash open their hand. John steps in to stop them cooking, cue cries of "noooooo, I want to carry on!!" sob sob - like hell you did - you screwed up that fish flavoured ice cream that hasn't set and were 20 mins late for the judges so thought sod it, i'll take my chances with one less finger tip. Sneaky.

watches too much MC

BibiBlocksberg Thu 11-Apr-13 21:49:39

'but it needs more oooomph' smile Love buttery biscuit base and thanks to the first video I lost my crown as 'most miserable woman to ever grace an office' at lunchtime today.

When they spread the butter on the apple I was lost, cackling away smile

LaVolcan Thu 11-Apr-13 21:52:11

ganache - the Hindu elephant God?
Ballotine - what they used in the French Revolution to chop people's heads off?
Jus - orange squash?
Fondant- some sort of fountain??

MousyMouse Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:45

not to mention dishes that are more suitable for hospitl settings or for wearing on your head at a wedding...

Iaintdunnuffink Thu 11-Apr-13 22:01:46

The great god Ganache slipped on some jus and ended up under the ballotine. As the blade came down a fondant of blood spewed up.

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 11-Apr-13 22:06:24

My menu is becoming clearer now.

For my starter: a simple jus (glass of orange juice from concentrate, straight out of the 1970's guide to posh nosh)

MousyMouse Thu 11-Apr-13 22:07:50

have we had fondant potatoes yet?
I just don't get the fuss about those...

Watching on catchup.

John has a severe cold today. I wouldn't want to eat his seafood ravioli thing even if it didn't look like bogies in sick.

Bilbobagginstummy Thu 11-Apr-13 22:19:26

Has anyone ever eaten a fondant potato?

Are they nice? What is so special about them?

MousyMouse Thu 11-Apr-13 22:21:12

I haven't
looks wastefull and messy cooking.
give me boiled spuds with salted butter any day.

BibiBlocksberg Thu 11-Apr-13 22:28:30

smile @ more suitable for a wedding'

'Bibi is serving a fascinator of pommes de terre emblazoned with cuckoo spit accompanied by a sail of burned fish skin'

DevonCiderPunk Thu 11-Apr-13 23:11:03

...SAUSAGE foam.

<shakes head>

MajorDivvy Thu 11-Apr-13 23:37:53

PSML @ 'buttery biscuit base' grin utter genius!!!!

OhDearNigel Thu 11-Apr-13 23:40:07

Properly cooked fondant potatoes are lovely. With the emphasis on properly cooked..

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 12-Apr-13 00:06:10

A raspberry reduction. How did they reduce that raspberry? I always imaginend they take the raspberry out the and scream Ramsay style abuseat its until its shrivelso up and weeps.

If you do chips they must be stacked up into a noughts and crosses grid style.

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 12-Apr-13 00:07:25

Oh fucking hell predict ive texts bollox!

thermalsinapril Fri 12-Apr-13 00:21:41

I'm having deep-fryer-fried sea-haddock with boldly-crushed pea-green peas (the latter arranged artfully in snow-white polystyrene cylinder with circular lid), and a lightly-pickled last-season's earth-grown hand-picked onion from factory-produced glass jar with screw-top lid, topped with a delicate yet granular sprinkling of North Sea Salt condiment and freshly-fermented glass-bottled malted vinegar, served on a folded bed of yesterday's news complete with thin short-length wooden two-pronged fork.

thermalsinapril Fri 12-Apr-13 00:22:01

Oh and chips grin

thistlelicker Fri 12-Apr-13 06:59:28

Hahahah" buttery
Biscuit base!!! This has made me chuckle

Shutupanddrive Fri 12-Apr-13 07:40:00

Loving this thread grin
Has anyone mentioned those sugar baskets that they make with the back of a spoon? And they nearly always burn the caramel.
And thrice cooked chips (using a whole potato for one chip to get perfect symmetry with the other two chips on the plate) don't forget to stack chips like bales of hay

FoxyRevenger Fri 12-Apr-13 08:11:23

Its the way they all say 'oh I've always wanted to be a chef and this is my only chance.'

So, going to catering school and working your way up is just too much like hard work is it?

Admit it, you couldn't be arsed.

thistlelicker Fri 12-Apr-13 08:20:29

Why do they mash potatoe with a wooden spoon or a ricer?

Trazzletoes Fri 12-Apr-13 08:29:13

thistle coz otherwise you get John complaining about the lumps as he did last night.

Moominsarehippos Fri 12-Apr-13 09:20:01

How does one make a foam anyway? (And why?). In my imagination it take a lot of boiling and a straw.

Anyway, lumpy mash? Call it crushed potatoes and see them swoon over it. Fondant potatoes are ok, but I always think that there's a lot of wasted food when it is cut into shapes. Funnily enough, when I used to cut DSs sandwiches into dinosaur shapes, I used to think the same.

Moominsarehippos Fri 12-Apr-13 09:20:42

There isn't ally a 'star' this year is there? There usually is by now. The Scottish guy last night seemed to be doing well though.

Bilbobagginstummy Fri 12-Apr-13 10:26:55

That girl Shivi was fairly star-like I think. Plus Lawton(?) the Welsh/Malaysian solicitor.

I think there must have been a new Masterchef rule come in about 3 or 4 years ago: that only "fusion" food can win.

Bilbobagginstummy Fri 12-Apr-13 10:27:24

Larkin? Lawton?

Trazzletoes Fri 12-Apr-13 10:41:01

moomins it involves a little handheld aerosol contraption. Much more mundane!

LondonMother Fri 12-Apr-13 13:01:37

Such a good thread. My best moment this year was the one that looked like a sixth former the other night who wasn't quite sure if John's dish contained pork or beef - settled on beef for his list - then, when presented with two hunks of meat to choose from for his own effort, he changed his mind and decided it was pork, so cooked the hunk he thought was pork.

Two problems:
1. The original dish was made with beef.
2. The hunk of meat he thought was pork was actually lamb.

I was crying with laughter. Pork and lamb aren't even the same colour and how could you get confused over the taste? Although I suppose the great horsemeat scandal shows if you use enough seasoning you can pass just about any meat off as anything else.

Moominsarehippos Fri 12-Apr-13 13:23:24

I'm loving the taste test one. It is probably much harder than it looks but still, some of the mistakes are quite amusing.

LOVE this thread!

Mrs Morton: "But using ready mixed curry powder, well [hoiks] she might as well have shat on the plate. Dirty bastard"

made me lol, and I don't lol much grin

Loved the u-tube clips too...

I only started watching last year. I love the curly-haired taster man (previous winner) smile

MousyMouse Fri 12-Apr-13 13:46:06

agree, the taste test was a good (and entertaining) idea.
but I think jontyrude is using crap recipes with far too many ingredients.
--sort of the point though.

LaVolcan Fri 12-Apr-13 14:15:21

The taste test seems quite tough to me. I think I would do the invention test, then use the cook your own food one to eliminate the first two. I would save the taste test for the next elimination.

MrsMorton Fri 12-Apr-13 14:37:54

thermalsinapril pahahaa. I LOVE your fish & chips.

As an aside, having grown up in Wales, I really struggle to call chips anything other than sclods.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 15:53:22


"and if you can't control a cucumber you should hang your head"

Zzzzmarchhare Fri 12-Apr-13 20:40:42

Someone on now is serving 'shavings'. And Greg was very excited ooooohhhhh. Made me laugh

Allthingspretty Fri 12-Apr-13 20:46:51

Another masterchef sraple seema to be beeteoot..
<late to thread>

MisForMumNotMaid Fri 12-Apr-13 20:49:14

What does wilted mean? Passed its best/ old or steamed or boiled?

Zzzzmarchhare Fri 12-Apr-13 20:51:16

Wilted-not quite cooked enough!

And I don't want my fish to be sexy, thanks

Allthingspretty Fri 12-Apr-13 20:54:48

I am not sure that ex winners are the correct people to be judging imo

meddie Fri 12-Apr-13 20:56:11

Pomme puree so mashed potato then

MoreBeta Fri 12-Apr-13 21:21:10

A while ago I went on a very basic intro to professional chef course for 6 weeks of being burned, shouted at, a lot sweat, several faintings, some blood and having to do a sort of Masterchef presentation every day under pressure.

Nothing like cooking at home and we learned to do some of things you see of Masterchef but I am always somewhat suspicious the contestants must have had some pretty advanced training. You dont learn that stuff on your own at home.

Snorting at 'naive and mature' potatoes. grin

Horrible Histories do a brilliant take on MC, the actor who plays Gregg Wallace is fantastic.

As for 'deconstructed' cheesecake etc, I want my puddings BIG, not in crumbs and teeny tiny smears around my plate.

The foam always puts me in mind of the frothy sputum my patients with heart failure produce, not nice.

MousyMouse Fri 12-Apr-13 23:39:32

urgh alex that put me off my chocolate tonight.

Iaintdunnuffink Fri 12-Apr-13 23:45:17

Foam is Cuckoo spit.

We play the masterchef drinking game. Whenever John or Gregg say 'sauce' we have a glug drink a bottle of vodka. We get fairly pissed grin

meddie Sat 13-Apr-13 11:26:04

Has to be the ultimate MC deconstucted pud

muminthecity Fri 19-Apr-13 20:38:48

Anyone watching tonight? It seems partridge is the new duck - 2 of them are doing it 'three ways.' Can't wait to see the shit streaks that will accompany them!

muminthecity Fri 19-Apr-13 20:41:27

Ooh and tonight one of our dishes is being served with 'citurs air.' Sounds delicious hmm

Magrathea Fri 19-Apr-13 20:50:04

Wtff is a citrus air??

Greg lifted a goldfish Noel and sniffed it!

Magrathea Fri 19-Apr-13 20:50:49

greg ffs

Magrathea Fri 19-Apr-13 20:53:31

*bowl wine arf

Tonight is bonkers.

Natalie ftw.

LaVolcan Fri 19-Apr-13 21:10:51

Yes! We had cuckoo spit (citrus air)
We had a slate with smears of stuff across it!

The thought of chicken 'lollipops' makes me heave. I'm sure they're perfectly nice, but, the name.

Kiriwawa Fri 19-Apr-13 21:13:13

Concur with Horry

Although I do have a soft spot for larks tongue

muminthecity Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:39

I'm rooting for Natalie too, although Saira's meal was the one I'd most like to eat.

amicissimma Fri 19-Apr-13 22:55:09

Yay! Go, Saira - food in paperbags on Masterchef! All cooked through and not a smear in sight!

MrsLyman Sat 20-Apr-13 09:47:37

Loving the thread. I always seem to scream try cooking for my 2 year old, everytime I hear 'cooking doesn't get tougher than this'

waterlego Sat 20-Apr-13 10:04:34

Love this thread smile

You can get samphire in Morrisons y'know.

MousyMouse Sun 21-Apr-13 14:29:08

I think the right persons went through.
I would like to see more challenging tasks, like vegan food or dairy free, or cooking for 2year olds at a nursery.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 16:02:52

You can get samphire in Morrisons y'know. and ASDA smile tried it and its quite nice

Emilythornesbff Wed 14-Aug-13 10:17:20

Isn't sleb master chef on again?
Couldn't resist reviving ths thread. Probably my favourite of all time.

Elderflowergranita Wed 14-Aug-13 10:30:05

Yes! Greg's gone skinny though, so has had to restrain the orgasmic gurning over every pudding - it wouldn't gel with his weightwatchers contract.

Have only seen bits of it, but so far Janet Street Porter seems to be the token 'character'. Over the top belligerance; <can't stand 'pleasing men' apparantly> followed by a gruff reluctant softening after they comment favourably on a pile of beige slop she's concocted.

diamond211 Wed 14-Aug-13 10:49:30

There must also be a secret 'glue' ingredient which prevents Gregg from getting the food off his spoon easily...

Have you noticed how during the last rounds they also have to prepare, cook and serve a gourmet meal where the fridges are not in the kitchen but in some random place 3 miles away? Half their time is spent doing impressions of Ussain Bolt every few minutes smile

Soverylucky - isn't deep-fried the alternative to pan-fried, hence the need for a term that makes the difference clear?

MortifiedAdams Wed 14-Aug-13 12:00:45

Well we've had balsamic and chocolate this time around. I mean, chilli and chocolate is so 2012.

"When I enter Masterchef, I am going to get through the first few rounds by cooking scallops and shit smears, then when it gets to the round where I have to do a 3 course meal for the critics I am going to make a prawn cocktail followed by spag bol, finished off with a fairy cake, or maybe a victoria sponge if I'm feeling generous."

I would watch that episode, muminthecity.

The mashed potato thing really annoys me. My mum's mashed potato always had the odd lump in it, and if my mum did it that way, it must be right. And all that sieving and mashing and pureeing must result in something that has the texture and flavour of potato glue. Yum. hmm

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