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Dh makes enormous faux pas

(85 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 20:49:17

Earlier, my dh decided to get some red wine. He was busy on the computer when older dc asked him to get our dd a bottle of squash.
I went upstairs to find it on the floor.. It looked very dark for squash so I went to dilute it as I only allow very weak squash. I then realised it was the bloody wine.
I ran downstairs to tell him. He didn't believe me until I made him smell it. How could anyone be so stupid?
He has recently been signed of work with depression and is finding it hard to concentrate and think straight but i am really disturbed by this and what might have happened if she had drank any.
I don't know what to do really.
I'm crying sad

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:22:33

Why is this not showing up when i search for it? sad

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:23:29

Ah it's back! Sorry, thought it had been deleted for some reason!

I am afraid I don't understand your post. Are you saying your dh gave your ds a bottle of wine instead of squash to give to dd?

why would your dd need a bottle of anything? Is squash not always deleted.

Don't cry. Its quite funny really. Not that I am trying to minimise your upset, but who was the adult there? I mean, you were both there.

maybe ds made a mistake? did your dh say he had given a bottle of wine instead of squash? why would anyone ask for a bottle of squash anyway?

Sorry, its just a bit of a muddle.

How old are your dcs? Who was expected to dilute the squash?

Salmotrutta Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:24

There are threads every so often in chat about mistakes/accidents that befall due to mums (and dads) taking their eye off the ball.

The overwhelming response is for other posters to say "Don't beat yourself up! X happened to me/ I did Y once".

It was a mistake. And whilst it might have been very worrying it wasn't actual poison.

How old is the child and how much wine was it?

I mean is squash not always diluted? why would ds ask for a bottle and not pour a proper portion and dilute it? Or is he too young to make that judgement?

Did your ds just pick up the wrong bottle?

what is the IABU???

Salmotrutta Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:05

And yes- presumably he diluted it too? Otherwise I don't understand how the mistake arose?

E,g he absent-minded lay added wine to her bottle by mixing up the wine bottle with the squash bottle? Or something?

Salmotrutta Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:09

confused

<hides behind MadamDefarge>

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:14

Sorry, it is a bit all over the place!
Ds asked dh to make a bottle of squash for dd.
dh managed to dilute red wine instead of squash and take it to her
I found it discarded on the floor so she mustn't have had any
As soon as I realised I was really disturbed!
Im just worried really about what else he's going to do and if I trust Him to look after her now
He's got serious serious brain fog

zwischenzug Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:33

Probably best to keep alcohol out of the house until he sorts himself out.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:34:59

I was going to ask Aibu to be totally over reacting here!
I mean, I know he's just been diagnosed with depression and he's not thinking right but I'm wondering if he can be trusted with anything now

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:15

I bet she'll sleep tonight. You might want some Resolve for the morning though.

Do you mean a baby bottle with squash in it? Will leave that one to others comment on.

So her baby bottle had diluted red wine in it. was the squash also red?

It does sound a bit rubbish. And if your dh might well be more unwell than you think. Did you taste the diluted mixture?

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:35:59

smile

how old are dd and ds?

Nishky Wed 10-Apr-13 21:36:21

I poured wine into a glass and diluted it when I meant to make squash for my dc blush

I suspect your dd will not have drunk any of it. Not really to dc's tastes

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:05

Sorry the smiley face there was meant for the resolve joke!

Yes the squash is red too but the bottles look completely different !

Nishky Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:35

I did realise before I gave said glass to child!

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:38

Fwiw, I don't think there was anything sinister re: this, just him being away with the fairies
But you do realise that somebody is going to come along in a minute saying children shouldn't be drinking squash out of a bottle wink
What else is dh doing that is upsetting you/ making you question dc's safety with him?

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:43

Ds is 13 and dd is 26 months

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:30

Firstly, you shouldn't be giving anyone squash in a baby bottle. If she's old enough for squash, she's old enough to not need it in a bottle.
Secondly, why was your DS asking your DH to get your DD something to drink? Isn't he old enough to get it himself? If not, why is he old enough to be responsible for deciding she needs some?
Thirdly, don't stress. It was an accident. I'm sure it wasn't intentional. Worst case she'd have drunk it and maybe displayed signs of being a bit tipsy (hilarious joke telling FTW!), or subdued, but heavily diluted wine wouldn't have cause any harm.

easy answer as mentioned above, no wine until his meds are sorted. and alcohol is not great with depression. but bear in mind it could have been a genuine mistake.

Salmotrutta Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:30

Or drunk a bit then thought [bleurghhhh]. smile

Don't be too hard on your DH. He may also be pre-occupied with the actual diagnosis of depression too.

This probably frightened him too, don't forget!

you're DH put wine in your DD's bottle? shock

um, wow. if he's stressed, then it's easy to see how it could have happened, hopefully she didn't drink any of it?

i'm sure he won't make a mistake like that again, he's probably had the fright of his life!

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 21:39:43

But... does your DH make a habit of drinking wine when the children are still around? Not sure what time of day this was at.

I wasn't brave enough kinky to go the squash in a bottle debate.

i'm such a slow typer- this thread only had 3 posts when i started.

LynetteScavo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:46

That's not a faux pas, it's a fuck up.

For now you have three DC.

It could have been worse.

I hope your DH gets better soon.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:40:50

I know squash in a bottle is a terrible idea and she doesn't have it all the time I promise!
THe main issue is dh- I'm seriously wondering if he's capable of looking after her now. He just forgets simple things, gets mixed up and doesn't have any organisation at all. Set meal times and routine is impossible for him.
He's due to start anti depressants tomorrow so maybe it will help.

No harm done and we all make mistakes. I assume you're crying because you're worried about your dh, rather than because you think he's hurt/might hurt dd?

I'm a bit confused though - if it was just left on the floor, then it seems your dd is big enough to drink things alone and be left alone in her room? So why does she need a bottle?

It does sound like he might need to see the doc again to see if any medication is maybe making him a bit out of it?

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:05

I know squash in a bottle is a terrible idea and she doesn't have it all the time I promise!
THe main issue is dh- I'm seriously wondering if he's capable of looking after her now. He just forgets simple things, gets mixed up and doesn't have any organisation at all. Set meal times and routine is impossible for him.
He's due to start anti depressants tomorrow so maybe it will help.

Look, no harm done so it's pointless getting upset over something that could have happened.

I'd imagine your DH is mortified and will be extra vigilant when dealing with the DCs from now on. We all make silly mistakes at times and luckily this came to nothing as your DD didn't drink the rogue juice. He's probably feeling pretty upset so cut him a bit of slack.

well kinky, as a single parent I would a teetotaler if I didn't have the odd drink when in charge of ds.

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:20

I have a similar age gap between my 2 dc, the oldest should be making drinks for his sister!
Can you tell us why yr dh is depressed?

And please don't think I am minimising this. Simply saying that while someone is getting used to meds its a good idea to be a bit vigilant. Not fair on you or ds. But depression is not fair. Fingers crossed his meds sorts out his spaceyness, if that makes sense.

GuffSmuggler Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:31

I know accidents happen and we all make mistakes but confusing a wine bottle with a squash bottle!? A lot of you REALLY think this is a silly mistake anyone could make??

I think I would be crying if my DH had become so mentally incapacitated. He is clearly an unwell man.

100% agree no alcohol in the house until he is feeling better and I'm not sur e I would be leaving him alone with DCs.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:49:26

I feel a lot better now thanks everyone smile I guess I'm just shocked at someone making such a mistake! I don't drink but had made a lovely roast tonight to actually celebrate a bit as we had been given a free weekend away so he decided to have some wine. It was about 7pm.
I have no idea why this depression has started. I noticed a year ago he wasn't his normal vivacious self and was sleeping more and more. He finally took notice this week when I said he had to sort himself out or id leave. It was just becoming unbearable. Im glad it's been diagnosed and he's listening to me despite his family denying it and telling him to 'get on with life' which makes me very angry !

My ds had a bottle of milk everynight till he was five. I know I would be judged for this, but he loved his bottle. It was his transitional object. I would have decked anyone that judged me on that. So the odd bottle of squash, while not ideal, is not terrible parent time.

Depression is a nasty illness. Try not to judge your dh by "normal" standards. Yes he messed. up. But as with any illness we have to modify our behaviours. Can you tell us how he reacted to the discovery?

I feel for you all.But you will get through it.

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:03

I think that if there wasn't a diagnosis of depression in the mix, then it would be a bit funny / more light-hearted.
But now you are looking at everything yr dh does/doesn't do to see if there is something more to it.
Does that make sense- I don't mean to say what you are thinking!

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:39

Because the doctor mentioned nothing to him about drinking during all f this he thinks its perfectly ok. I don't!

Families are rubbish at dealing with mental health issues. it is too threatening to the status quo which is often hard won. Look after your family and yourself an let the rest go over your head. Nothing helpful to say? then close the conversation down.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:23

Directoroflegacy, completely right!

It depends on his meds and how they interact with alcohol. Mostly the problem with alcohol is that it can be a form of self medication, but it doesn't sound like he has an issue with it. So its mostly to do with drinking alcohol flushes out the anti-Ds before they have a chance to work properly.

pictish Wed 10-Apr-13 21:55:05

Sounds like a genuine mistake to me!
Nothing awful was going to happen to your dd as a result of a sip of diluted wine. It would have tasted horrible so she threw it away.

If my dh did this we would laugh our heads off with horrified glee! grin

I sense this isn't really about the wine in the baby bottle is it?

NynaevesSister Wed 10-Apr-13 22:00:51

No don't leave him to look after the kids. He is ill and just not capable at the moment. What you said before - it really is like having serious brain fog. Give the anti d's six weeks to have an effect and then ease him back in. The important thing is he knows he is ill and is getting help. You guts are going to be fine and your DH will heal.

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:26

smile
I think that yr dh should be commended for actually going to the dr - so many men don't - yr threat obviously worked, which shows how much he values you!?

OrbisNonSufficit Wed 10-Apr-13 22:06:08

OP it might help you to talk to some of the depression support charities out there like depression alliance - it's a hard illness to understand and as the doctor obviously hasn't given you any guidance on what additional support your DH will need then you probably need more advice/support. I do know that it's easy to get distracted and do things on auto-pilot when you're depressed, which is obviously what's happened.

And remember to look after yourself. xx

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 22:07:36

I feel so much better now. Thank you
I'm going to bed to give him a hug. I'm sure he feels terrible too.

I am only working odd days at the moment so not too worried about him looking after he dc's. it's sad that he'll feel awful if I tell him I don't want to leave him alone with dd when I do go to work though sad

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 22:10:17

I will contact the support charities - good idea

just see how it goes. don't stress until you really need to. Its great he is getting help. Just make sure you do look after yourself properly so you can support him as appropriate, not so you lose out. Its a fine balancing act. But it sounds promising. and remember, we are all here to hold your hand when you need it.

trixymalixy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:13:29

I think you're overreacting. DH gave cow's milk allergic DS cow's milk in his cereal because he was distracted. I tore a strip off him, then did exactly the same thing myself a week later blush

trix, honestly, do read the OP properly. Their family is in a bit of flux at the moment.

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 22:17:00

What was your DHs reaction once you'd told him his mistake?

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 22:25:44

Disbelief! He just couldn't believe it! I stormed off for a good half hour

And told mnet, naturally!

well that is a good reaction. yes he fucked up. but did not try to defend it.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 10-Apr-13 22:27:12

In the end I just if there's any doubt that you need to get better, there is none now
And he looked pretty sad sad

As the song says, things can only get better.

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:29

What medication is your DH due to start tomorrow - i really think he sounds quite ill and he needs to tell the doctor what he did. With certain medication it can make you feel worse before you feel better and it is important the doctor knows the full story as they can give him something to get him over the first few weeks of the ADs which can be a bit fraught.

good call lucyellen.

SlambangSweepstakeQueen Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:59

Oh dear. Wine bottles (glass) and squash bottles (plastic) don't look very similar, do they? confused

We spent a holiday giving our dcs (then 6 and 4) a breakfast cocktail of all the different flavoured fruit juices in the local shop. Only problem was we didn't realise until day 5 that the grape juice was actually wine. (It was in cartons next to the orange juice).

I think you may need to keep a beady eye on your dh for a while. Good luck.

countrykitten Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:03

Not really a faux pas OP!

pedants anonymous

foreverondiet Wed 10-Apr-13 22:50:52

Your 23 month old will not like the taste of wine wine so no harm. Even if she did it was diluted.

But you were U to suggest putting squash in a bottle. Not good for teeth.

Bottles good for water and for milk for small babies. Not sure why a 26 month old toddler would have a bottle? Thought the advice was to withdraw by 12 months? Fair enough for milk or water after that if they won't drink from anything else.

yeah. forever. I think we all know that. including OP. Not really the central issue.
And as I said above, my ds had a bottle until 5 years. only at night. but it mattered to him.

But really really not the central issue.

KathySeldon Wed 10-Apr-13 22:57:36

We (dh) gave our 8yr old ds rum and coke instead of coke once. Ds drank first and said the coke tasted funny. Dh swiftly swapped the drinks over! No harm done.

Agree laying off the alcohol would be good if he's depressed.

I take AD's and they really help. Just make sure you say positive things to him all the time to help him. Good luck.

Xmasbaby11 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:58:47

Hope your DH is OK OP. That must have been a nasty scare. I think it's quite a serious mistake to make, and you probably need to be very vigilant and keep alcohol out of the house.

Best wishes.

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 23:00:38

Told you OP, now instead of worrying re: your dh you can worry about yr dd's teeth!!
Ribena bottle could kind of feel similar to a wine bottle if you are v v distracted and not yourself??

Hope the OP is getting a good night's sleep.

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:09:03

To be fair, i was showing my DD how to make scrambled eggs once and said, now you put the milk in - she said "mum, thats fabric softener!" hmm

No harm done - but do get him to mention to the GP that he is very distracted just now, does he drive?

foreveronadiet i think you must be hypocglycemic making an inappropriate comment like that - have a biscuit i think you need it!

Ouchmyhead Wed 10-Apr-13 23:13:45

Ah it was a mistake, one I bet he feels awful about! There was no harm done, and it sounds like your DH really needs you to be on his side at the moment and not make him feel any worse. My DP has suffered with depression, it's a horrible illness but with the right medication and help it can be sorted, DP has been off them for 2 years now. It took me a few months to realise he just really needed me to overlook certain things he did; if he snapped at me or forgot something I'd retaliate which would make it worse. Instead I had to learn to take a breath, and just let it go, if there was no harm done, I wouldnt make a fuss. I understand its a bit different as you have children, but this time I really think it would do more harm than good to make a big deal out of it. I would agree with the not drinking on the meds though, it can send you really funny drinking on anti-depressants. Hope he improves soon.

Unfortunatelyanxious Wed 10-Apr-13 23:26:15

I am currently signed off work with depression. For the first couple of months I could do almost nothing because I was so forgetful I was a danger to myself and others. I haven't driven for three months because I can literally forget what I am saying, thinking or doing.

I am improving having had meds and therapy which is ongoing. I hope he gets some decent help.

Personally I think alcohol is really not a good idea if your depressed because it is a depressant.

cumfy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:24:27

Did you check DD's mouth for staining ?

If the wine had been diluted, it would make sense, but I'm having difficulty picturing how DH accidentally poured a whole undiluted bottle.

Are you sure DS didn't do it ?

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 11-Apr-13 06:42:28

It was diluted and dd definitely didn't do it, he was upstairs smile
I am going to talk to him about leaving out the alcohol until he's starting to feel better. I can't imagine mixing AD's with alcohol would be a good idea.

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 11-Apr-13 07:29:08

Oops I mean ds didn't do it!
Too early to think straight

desertgirl Thu 11-Apr-13 08:56:40

I have a friend who sent her DS (of 6 or so) to school with a bottle of water, just after a weekend of camping - where they had taken gin in a water bottle. Fortunately he complained that it smelled funny and didn't drink any. She was fine, not depressed or aanything, just in a rush. It really might just be one of those things and not specifially depression related....

Depression is very nasty though - please do look for some support for yourself too, and the best of luck to your DH in finding a way through it.

Feminine Thu 11-Apr-13 09:01:57

Some cheap wine, comes in very similar bottles to cheap squash.

If not concentrating at all its not difficult to make that mistake.

op sounds like you have masses on your plate, Good Luck! smile

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 09:15:01

I second making sure that he avoids anything dangerous at the moment - driving is an obvious one, but also operating machinery and stuff. It's not worth the extra risk.

I hope his Ads take effect quickly, and make him feel better. It's a horrid situation all round, but you sound like you are doing the best you can!

I agree re not buying alcohol, too. It can be very addictive when you are depressed and it'll increase the time until his Ads work.

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 11-Apr-13 10:11:46

Bit worried now as he will be driving us to our weekend away tomorrow.. It's a 4 hour drive! Eek
I told him to maybe start the ADs when we get back in case they make him feel worse.
It's times like this I wish I knew how to drive..

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 11-Apr-13 10:38:54

Definately get him to start them when you come back if you can't drive. They can make you feel really nauseous too when you first start taking them so if you are having a weekend away it may well be a nice weekend anyway (heres hoping). Four days wont make a difference in the scheme of things. I suffer from depression and anxiety and i know how awful it can be - i hope he feels better soon xx

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 11-Apr-13 10:43:35

Ah.

I wouldn't start them til after the drive, then.

I'd also plan the route carefully to minimise concentration time. Stop off at least once an hour, to give him a break, even if he says he doesn't need it. That helped me hugely when I had to keep driving around despite brain fog.

Then start the ADs when you are back. It won't make that much difference, really, because they take some time to work anyway.

Enjoy your weekend away smile

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 11-Apr-13 13:02:56

Thanks smile we really need it!

cumfy Thu 11-Apr-13 13:03:21

You say it was diluted, but it wouldn't have had a dark colour if it had been diluted even as little as 2:1, so I am still puzzled as to what DH actually did.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 11-Apr-13 13:14:14

cumfy, don't worry about it eh! Its not important now is it! hmm

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 13:22:39

What a lot of fuss some posters here are making about a simple mistake.

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