To think DH is being unfair?

(124 Posts)
Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:25:48

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 20:27:48

YADNBU

You deserve a night out! Tell him it's tough titty and he will be looking after the kids for the night.

Seriously2712 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:27:49

No- get yourself out!

Troubledjo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:28:33

If it's your friend then of course you should go - he is definitely being unreasonable, not you...

Yama Wed 10-Apr-13 20:28:34

What a selfish man.

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 20:28:48

I would be crawling the walls if I'd only had two nights out in a 12 month period!

mermaid101 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:28:53

No. I think he is being VERY U. I hope you get to go!

Geillis Wed 10-Apr-13 20:29:26

YANBU. You should just go! It's very unfair for him to expect you to stay home if it's your close friend.

DiscoDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 20:29:36

He's being an arse

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:29:50

So will you be saying that obviously he can't go out with his mates every fortnight, because "if you can't both go, then neither of us should go"

I know what he'd say to that.

It'll be "different"

I think you should tell him that you ARE going. That he goes out regularly and if he begrudges you a single night out, he's a giant arse.

intheshed Wed 10-Apr-13 20:30:03

YANBU! You don't need to ask him, just tell him you are going and that's that!

Eebahgum Wed 10-Apr-13 20:30:23

YANBU. He is. Not sure what you do about it though - I guess either put your foot down and say you're going whether he likes it or not, or have a chat with him and see if you can get him you be honest about why he doesn't want you to go.

OhLori Wed 10-Apr-13 20:30:48

No, you are not being unreasonable. Its for your close friend too!

His attitude sounds very unfair, and rather ungenerous and churlish tbh.

Are you still going to go hmm?

CSIJanner Wed 10-Apr-13 20:30:58

YANBU - any chance of telling him to suck it up as he has so many nights out a year and its now your turn?

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 20:31:42

He is being unreasonable.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 10-Apr-13 20:32:13

YANBU. I agree with Intheshed. You don't need his permission, just tell him you're going. If he objects, tell him that he's not allowed to go out with his friends either because you aren't going to be there and see how he likes it.

pictish Wed 10-Apr-13 20:32:33

Yanbu. That's fucking outrageous!

GO!

everlong Wed 10-Apr-13 20:32:43

Is he always like this?

Pozzled Wed 10-Apr-13 20:33:31

Yanbu, assuming that the baby is not bf and will settle for your DH. You have as much right to a night out as he does, and you obviously don't object to him going out. And as you say, it's YOUR close friend- you should be there to celebrate with her.

Does he have any specific concerns? If not, I'd just tell him you are going. But if it's the first time he'll be left overnight with both DCs, I'd also make it as easy as possible for him.

treas Wed 10-Apr-13 20:34:16

When you say close friend do you mean your friend or close friend to you both? If the later then he's not being that unreasonable. However, if it is the former then he needs a kick up the jacksy.

Wishiwasanheiress Wed 10-Apr-13 20:34:49

Lamb, read ur post back to urself. Tell us, truthfully, if answering it for someone WWYD?

Have a great night

Euphemia Wed 10-Apr-13 20:36:03

YANBU!

Selfish git - talk about double standards!

bringonyourwreckingball Wed 10-Apr-13 20:36:37

Yanbu. He's being a colossal arse and should let you go, of course he should

flossieraptor Wed 10-Apr-13 20:36:50

Just say what Hecsy says, what happens next time a night out is in the offing, if you can't both go?

YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS HIS HAPPINESS

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:37:30

He says it is different because we are both invited. His nights out tend to be straight from work kind of things.

We are both friends with the birthday friend and her DH, so tend to do lots of things with all of us in the daytime, so I can see why he is reluctant to miss ou, but if we both cant go I think I should get to go.

rustybusty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:01

Why on earth are you asking him? Just do it.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:21

What an unbelievably selfish dickhead. Why can't he bear the idea of you going out and having fun without him?

Yes, don't ask him tell him that you are going. She's your friend, and it's your turn for a night out.

Just wondering, though, is your H this selfish generally? Does he consider himself the person in the marriage, and you a facility he can make use of ie you do all the domestic work because he 'works hard' for a wage...

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:09

Well he knows that our older DC will play him up terribly without me, but it will be fine.

Jinsei Wed 10-Apr-13 20:42:00

Wow! He is being incredibly selfish! Yadnbu!

Pollykitten Wed 10-Apr-13 20:42:58

for crying out loud, you don't need his permission! the day you've been out 25 evenings in a year (as he has) he might have the right to give you a sideways look, but this? come on, man up! just laugh at him, pat him on the shoulder and say "there there you silly man".

CloudsAndTrees Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:55

He can say it's different as much as he likes. You don't have to agree and he doesn't have to have the final say!

It sounds like he needs the opportunity to deal with his own children anyway.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:48:27

He can be selfish, but is usually very cool with being told he is being selfish and tries to put it right.

I don't want to make out that I am downtrodden, it's just that most of my friends had babies all at the same time, three of us in the same week, so a lot of my social life is daytime with the DC and a good night out really appeals right now. It's not till July so he has plenty of time to prep, but tickets have to be bought now.

DH sometimes needs reminding that life at home with 2DC can be sheer drudgery at times and isn't all trips to the farm and coffee with friends

Viviennemary Wed 10-Apr-13 20:48:56

YANNNNBU. He is being really unfair and selfish. You both can't go because of childcare problems. He goes out on his own. Now it's your turn. And his arguments are really feeble.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:51:09

He is good with the DC, but does struggle with them sometimes and acts very put upon if I go and get a haircut (oh the sheer bliss of just walking down the high street without a baby in a sling and a toddler holding hands).

everlong Wed 10-Apr-13 20:52:35

Tell him he's BU and that you will going and go through with it.

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 20:55:23

Thank you all, I am going to open the ticket site in another window. Maybe if I get the ticket and present it as a fait accomplish saying "of course I got a ticket, I assumed you were joking when you said neither of us should go".

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 20:59:21

YANBU! Book the ticket! book the ticket! Book it now!

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Apr-13 21:02:18

He's being massively selfish.

Euphemia Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:49

We all struggle with the DC sometimes! But we just get on with it and do the best we can.

quoteunquote Wed 10-Apr-13 21:05:18

Well he knows that our older DC will play him up terribly without me

well then he better get practicing if he can't handle a 5 months and 3 year old, he is going to be totally fucked when they are teenagers,

sounds like he needs to get his confidence up, and he can only do that if he actually does parent solo occasionally,

Tell him to get a friend or a family member round to help, if he can't hack it(he can, he just has to want to) He has time to prepare he can make up some meals in advance,

It's 24hr, how would he manage if you dropped down dead and had to do it on his own for a life time.

What is actually worrying him, is he scared of them crying,

Point out when the DC learn he can be a comfort, then they will be far more confident with him in return, he has to face this fear or be an inept parent forever.

I bet if he did it, he would wonder what he was worried about afterwards.

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:01

Book TWO tickets and tell him you'll work something out, there's plenty of time. Then, if no sitter can come, go on your own (t'would be a shame to waste both wink

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:08:03

Don't ask again, just carry on regardless and go

I despise men who can't cope with their own kids. Pathetic.

What AnyFucker said.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 10-Apr-13 21:13:47

God, yanbu. Book it!

marriedinwhiteagain Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:42

Can you suggest he might invite his parents to help him? I think you shsould go btw.

Squitten Wed 10-Apr-13 21:21:11

YADNBU!

I agree AnyFucker! Don't know why anyone puts up with that attitude

Lambzig Wed 10-Apr-13 21:24:47

Have booked a ticket.

He is more than capable but perhaps it is a confident thing.

Going to ask my friend if we can all stay with them. DH can babysit their DC too, and if the drinks go on afterwards we can swap (am finished by 10pm these days). That way they save on a babysitter too.

We can also help friends with setting up/shopping for the party the next day.

Either way, I am going

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 22:02:50

Good on you! Well done.

Numberlock Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:25

Totally the wrong decision, sorry OP.

MadamFolly Wed 10-Apr-13 22:29:09

Why numberlock?

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 22:32:32

Seems reasonable to me to buy tickets?

Hmm. Be careful that it doesn't end up with you babysitting the kids in your friends' house while he goes out with the grownups.

squeakytoy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:26:44

Sorry but I am with numberlock there... not only is he now looking after his own kids (which yadnbu at all) but saying "well I am going, and you are now also babysitting my friends kids too" really is not going to go well..

He doesnt sound the type to find that a particularly appealing solution.

Just go on your night out, and let him look after HIS children, in the same way that you do it when he regularly has his solo nights out.

dadinthehat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:36:41

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

dadinthehat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:36:48

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

squeakytoy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:38:49

the night event is the day BEFORE the afternoon party

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 05:16:13

Don't offer DH as babysitter to your friend. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

AllOverIt Thu 11-Apr-13 05:32:09

YADNBU to go out and leave DH at home with your own two.

YABU to offer up DH to babysit your friend's kids too without chatting to him first and he's okay with it.

That would seriously piss me off if DH did that to me.

Chottie Thu 11-Apr-13 05:44:21

I don't understand about getting DH to look after someone else's DC as well ??? I think this could seriously pee him off........ If he finds it challenging to look after his own two children, why would you arrange for him to look after more children (and without even asking him???)

Sorry if I have misunderstood your post !!!

I was fully outraged on your behalf and confident you were definitely NBU right up until your last post.

If you're going to stay with your friends, who would be getting a babysitter themselves otherwise, wtaf can't the baby sitter look after your 2 kids too so your dh can come too? YANBU to think that if you don't have a babysitter you get to go out while your dh looks after your children. You would still nbu if you were the one who went out every fortnight imho as it is your friend whose birthday it is.

You would be very unreasonable to expect your dh to baby sit for your friends too without asking him. If he struggles with the kids on his own anyway adding more into the mix, in a house that isn't yours, is going to make that a lot harder.

'I've bought my ticket as I assumed you couldn't possibly be serious that I should miss my close friends birthday celebration' fait accompli - totally reasonable. The above plus 'and we're staying with friend so you can babysit their kids too while we have fun without you' fait accompli - totally and utterly unfair and unreasonable.

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 07:29:52

Agree with the others - definitely go, and sod him.
Definitely don't offer him up as a babysitter though.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 07:47:42

Oh I would definitely run it past him before offering him as babysitter, i would never do that, but I am pretty sure he will like that. Means all the DC will be in bed before we go out, he isn't bothered about missing out on the event and he doesn't have to get the tea and bath time, get them up and breakfasted in the car by himself. All he has to do is sit on the sofa But oBviously will suggest it first.

Don't think either of us would want to leave DC2 in particular with a stranger babysitter.

If he doesn't like the idea will just go by myself.

Numberlock, why the wrong decision to book a ticket.

Littleturkish Thu 11-Apr-13 08:00:25

Lambzig I think he NEEDS to do the bedtime prep himself.

He needs to father up.

You can't learn how without doing it- so he needs to do it!

Agree you should go as DH clearly being a bit of a prize tool about this one, but presenting a fait accompli is not the way IMHO.

If he had discussed an event with you, and you essentially said no, then he came home with the ticket for it saying I'm going anyway, well - there'd likely be a thread in Relationships and cries of LTB!

Please talk about this and make him see sense

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:14:30

DH didn't say no, he just said "if we can't go maybe neither of us should" and "I am not keen on doing all that after a long week at work" and "seems a bit harsh on me" while I just kept repeating that I really needed a night out. He made a joke saying "what are you talking about, you have been out without me at least six times since dc1 was born" (actually its five). He said "it's up to you, but I am not keen".

It's usually how he gets his own way about stuff, but I decided to do this one anyway. Tickets aren't so expensive that if I don't go it's a lot of money wasted.

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 08:16:37

It would depend if the "no" pronouncement was reasonable, or not, I believe

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 08:17:44

Lamb, don't give yourself a get out clause not to go

go

melika Thu 11-Apr-13 08:25:06

It's great how you feel the need to 'ask' him if you can go out, but does he ask you? No is the answer, he probably announces that he is going out with the lads. Stand up and be counted, girl. It's your friend, say nicely that you are going and don't feel guilty about him looking after his own children, FGS! (Bad move is to ask him to look after someone elses).

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:25:12

Travailtotravel, I am not so sure. I think if someone came on here and said. "DH wants to go out on his friends birthday in three months time. I said no because I am tired after looking after the kids all week. He said it was unfair and booked a ticket anyway. I am mad at him because he has been out twice in the last year already." They would get a bit of a kicking rather than a LTB.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 08:31:56

Well not so much of an ask as the invite came to both our phones at the same time. DH said it was a pity we couldn't go and I said "what if I went on my own".

Think you are right though, I will tell him tonight that I thought about it some more and really want to go, so got a ticket before they sell out, but lets think about what we can do to make the logistics work for him.

BegoniaBampot Thu 11-Apr-13 08:38:40

it's not about wanting. it's about doing it and then leaving him no say or choice that would cause the resentment. from your last post it sounds like he left it up to you anyway and didn't actually say no.

rustybusty Thu 11-Apr-13 10:06:24

They wouldnt get a kicking in that situation. Its 3 month time and if a wife said that I would think they were an extremely selfish person.

innermuddle Thu 11-Apr-13 10:09:32

I would definitely go, but wouldn't offer him as babysitter for your friends children, that seems a bit cheeky

It sounds as though your H is accustomed to getting his own way by sighing, moaning and pity-posturing, and you've finally come up against something you really want to do. You nee to stand firm, as you are not his inferior/servant/mother and it's about time he put your needs and wishes ahead of his own just for once.

flaminhoopsaloolah Thu 11-Apr-13 10:19:58

So...

DH goes out twice a month - Im guessing without you guilt tripping him...
You've been out in the past year twice....how did that go btw? Were you subjected to guilt tripping?
He doesnt want you to go to this because he will have been working all week and be tired ( unlesd you have a full time nanny, what does he think you've been doing?)
He begrudges you going for a haircut....

What else does he begrudge?

StuntGirl Thu 11-Apr-13 10:28:39

Lamb, go to the bloody party and just tell him that how its going to be. He absolutely can't complain; you're just being sort of brain washed by him into thinking you're being unreasonable for wanting to do so.

Don't enable his shitty behaviour by 'helping' to find babysitters for him etc. Leave him to it and go to the party.

SqueezeMeBakingPowder Thu 11-Apr-13 10:36:48

Sorry, but what does he mean by 'he doesn't fancy doing all that after a long week at work?'

Does he mean putting his own children to bed then driving them the next day? Because if he does, what does he think happens when he goes out on his own (twice a MONTH not 5 times since the birth of your 2nd DC), and you're left to sort the children out after a busy week of sorting the house/kids/washing/ironing/cooking/activities etc? Does he think a fairy comes and does it? Or does he think that your week of work doesn't matter because he works earning the money?

Khaleese Thu 11-Apr-13 10:39:48

Oh i had a similiar incident with my Dh, in the end i had a strop and said i was going end of conversation.

I went.

He will always be a selfish pig if you allow him to be. The alternative is he never goes out on his own again. That won't make for a happy relationship though.

Snazzynewyear Thu 11-Apr-13 10:45:04

I also don't like the sound of the plan where you stay at your friend's. From what you've said, it means you will be doing all the childcare work - ie getting the kids into bed - before you go out, then will also be looking after them the next day pre party. Whereas if you just go on your own, he will need to take care of it, and I really think he should. When he goes out every fortnight, does he do the kids; bedtime first so that you just get to sit on the sofa? No, didn't think so.

It is only fair that you both get reasonable opportunities to go out and that you each take turns at doing bedtime, next day by yourselves if needsbe for that to happen. Doesn't sound as if he has ever really done that yet for you, so it's high time he started.

If you're staying over at your friends why don't you suggest that he and your friend's husband stay in and babysit all the kids, so they can have pizza/beer/watch crappy movies. I have done this - the men had a good time doing boys stuff and the women had a great time partying.

YANBU to want a night out, he does sound rather selfish.

Numberlock Thu 11-Apr-13 14:11:36

Numberlock, why the wrong decision to book a ticket.

I'm late coming back to this and can't believe you're still 'negotiating' with him...

I didn't mean it was a mistake to book the tickets, I meant it was a big mistake to try and organise some situation where you're treading on egg shells to fit round him.

For god's sake, just go and leave him to it. And make it the start of a regular thing. Fortnightly sounds fair to me...

lets think about what we can do to make the logistics work for him

<gives up>

OHforDUCKScake Thu 11-Apr-13 14:27:22

Im totally with numberlocks on this one. Ive been a bit shock by the way th thread panned out.

everlong Thu 11-Apr-13 14:33:25

You don't need his permission. He is their father.

Don't be the martyr. Start going out regularly.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Thu 11-Apr-13 14:41:58

Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate? Does he do the same for you?

OHforDUCKScake Thu 11-Apr-13 14:51:22

Doesnt sound like it flamingo if he goes out straight from work, not only does he not try and make it easy for her, she has to dinner and bed time by herself as well.

Its mightily unfair for you OP.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Thu 11-Apr-13 14:57:26

DUCKS - it doesn't indeed...but didn't want to assume...

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 18:02:09

Sorry been out all afternoon. Yes he does always sigh and moan when I go out, asking "are you actually going?"or "I am not sure I am up to it tonight". I usually just ignore or laugh at him and go out anyway. He is normally ver generous of his time and attention, but its this one issue that somehow makes him behave weirdly.

Last time I went to get my hair done, when I came back he said "you have no idea how exhausting these two can be to look after for three hours by yourself". I think I snorted with derision at that one.

I guess he never has to do bath and bedtime by himself, but he does always do half, helping bath them and always puts DD to bed and reads story while I feed the baby, so don't know why he is so weird about it.

He was a bit weird about it before we had DC

I will just tell him very nicely that I am going to go as its definitely my turn for a night out.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 18:04:01

Oh and you are right he does not do extra when he goes out as its usually straight from work.

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 18:04:50

Do so.

He is their father. You are not his mother.
He sounds pathetic.

StuntGirl Thu 11-Apr-13 18:08:35

Good god. Then its time he learnt how to do bed and bath time all by himself isn't it?

Glad you're just going.

kerala Thu 11-Apr-13 18:10:34

Agree he sounds a right weed.

I remember my first night out after DD2 was born came home to find both girls complete bedding and nightwear changed. Just as I had left they had both started vomiting all over everywhere DH had spent all evening clearing it up. They have never done this before or since. Quite funny I definitely picked the right night to go and drink wine with my friends grin. Our nights out pretty 50/50 now there is no interminable breastfeeding sessions stopping me doing anything.

squoosh Thu 11-Apr-13 18:14:31

Ah, so he was funny about you going out alone before the kids came along? That's a whole different kettle of fish to him not wanting to deal with boisterous kids by himself.

kerala Thu 11-Apr-13 18:21:49

Agree he sounds a right weed.

I remember my first night out after DD2 was born came home to find both girls complete bedding and nightwear changed. Just as I had left they had both started vomiting all over everywhere DH had spent all evening clearing it up. They have never done this before or since. Quite funny I definitely picked the right night to go and drink wine with my friends grin. Our nights out pretty 50/50 now there is no interminable breastfeeding sessions stopping me doing anything.

Darkesteyes Thu 11-Apr-13 18:25:14

Im with Squoosh. He sounds controlling.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Thu 11-Apr-13 18:39:24

He was like this before...so it's fine for him to go out but not you....anything else that's fine for him to do but not you?

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 18:44:01

Ugh, what a childish outlook he has. Or he's a bit thick.

He's a parent, isn't he ?

What did he expect that to actually consist of ?

pictish Thu 11-Apr-13 18:46:19

Leaving it to the wife, while he carried on as normal obviously. hmm

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 18:47:44

Indeed. Even before the children came along. OP, the red flags were there but you didn't heed them

It's not too late though, it's never too late to stand up for yourself

everlong Thu 11-Apr-13 18:53:28

Some men are lazy swines and use that guise of ' I can't manage ' blardy blah. When in fact they can cope they would just rather not.

Go out. Keep going out. Until he gets the message.

He's a big boy.

I think you need to be blunt with him. Don't pussyfoot around him.

Your going out to your friends birthday whether he likes it or not. And you are either start going out twice a month like him (not that you have to if you don't want to) or he only goes out 5/6 times in the next 3 years like you have.

cees Thu 11-Apr-13 20:57:24

Well done for making the decision to go but you have to be wondering why a grown man is doing his best to not take care of his own children. Is it your fault for letting him off with it in the past?

You said up thread that he could go out when you come home at 10, it's your night out don't bend to make it more appealing to him. You know he will be pissed if you decide you are staying later so don't even offer. Enjoy it and let him mind his children alone a bit more often and he won't think it such a burden in the future.

quoteunquote Thu 11-Apr-13 23:53:12

Open a MN account (Calfzag) for him and he can come on here for guidance. grin

I'm sure if he asks, people will be more than happy to give him support, he would at least have somewhere to ask silly question and not bother you on your night off.

Numberlock Fri 12-Apr-13 06:14:06

This is as much about him controlling his wife and preventing her having any child-free time as it is about him not being arsed with his own kids.

pictish Fri 12-Apr-13 07:29:03

I certainly wouldn't be offering to leave at 10 so he can go out after!!

You will not be done by 10. You will want to stay out longer....and seeing as your turn is loooong overdue, he'll just have to suck that up.

It's not your turn, or anything like it, if you have to cut short your night so he can go out as well. He goes out often, and you rarely do. It's his turn to sit this one out.

It's ridiculous that you feel you must appease him by making him an equal priority.

Stop being so passive.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Apr-13 07:45:12

I would just be blunt- tell him you are going.

Snowyelephantshavewrinkles Fri 12-Apr-13 08:04:31

Tell him you are going and he needs to look after DC.
You are not a child that he can tell what time to be in by!!
Go out have a good time, come back at two am if you feel like it.
You need to tell him straight!!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:13:31

Am eye rolling at this. Poooooooor man.

I remember it is a bit of a shock when you have a baby and toddler and it is all hands on deck a lot of the time, but he should have got used to it by now.

You elaborate plan to stop him moaning may encourage the idea that he can't look aft his won children.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:16:00

I just hope he is just lazy, not nasty and lazy

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:17:37

Also,

I had a 2 year old and a baby. Coping with a 5 year old is a piece of piss compared to that

twofalls Fri 12-Apr-13 08:34:01

Don't all go and stay at your friend's altogether. You will end up running round like a loon getting the dc sorted, trying to get ready, etc. You will end up getting up in the night or the morning with them. Just get in the car in the afternoon and enjoy one night you din't have to do tea, bath, bed, breakfast etc.

He needs to man up and stop being such a child. I have been away for 5 nights in the last 14 (work). DH just got on with it because he is their Father.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 12-Apr-13 08:35:38

Have just noticed he was weird about you going out, before children, so is it about that and the DC sare an excuse? Better and better.

Yup, this sounds more and more like a man who fundamentally believes that women are second-class and that the Man Of The House is the one entitled to leisure time, whereas the Little Woman should gain all her satisfaction from childcare and domestic work.

The only way to keep your marriage happy and healthy is to stand up to him, don't negotiate or ask his permission to do things, just claim a reasonable amount of leisure time for yourself. If he becomes aggressive or difficult, then you will know that he is not going to change and not ever going to consider you his equal.

cjel Fri 12-Apr-13 15:30:41

While I agree that his belief is not right as you see it solid, I do disagree that that is the only way to make her marriage happy. Perhaps she does get all her fulfilment from childcare and domestic work. Just because it wouldn't suit some of us it may suit others, just because we don't agree doesn't mean she has to do it our way. He hasn't shown signs of being aggressive, he has told her what he doesn't like, shes done what she wants anyway and laughs at him and hes been fine with it.

flaminghoopsaloohlah Fri 12-Apr-13 17:55:23

Are you fulfilled, OP? Is it just this one issue that is a problem?

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 12-Apr-13 20:08:18

Bet he "falls ill" or needs to "work" on that night

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 12-Apr-13 20:22:21

If he does 'fall ill' or have to 'work' on that night - do what I once did. Go anyway. Tell him he is their father, and just like YOU have to look after them when you are ill and he isn't there, he has to do the same!

Pffff...I wouldn't put up with him being an entitled arse like this.

I'd be claiming as much leisure time as he had. If he isn't happy with the amount of leisure time YOU have, the answer is to lower HIS leisure time to match...

If he doesn't like the sound of that, then he needs to suck it up and accept that you are both entitled to the sane amount of leisure time!

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs Fri 12-Apr-13 20:25:27

And if he uses work as a 'get-out', do what I have also once done - tell him (and mean it) that you WILL drop his DC at his workplace with him so that HE can organise childcare for them if he 'can't' get out of work...

Explain to him in advance that his DC will be his responsibility that night, and if he has to work, or feels ill, it will be up to HIM to source alternative childcare.

My arse of an Ex actually responded to this - because he KNEW I meant it!!

Cjel: But she's not happy being his servant and having to beg for free time. She wants a night out, with her friend, and this man is trying to stop her from having the night out despite the fact that he has a regular social life.

Pandemoniaa Fri 12-Apr-13 21:16:10

I certainly wouldn't be offering to leave at 10 so he can go out after!!

No, neither would I. This way you are likely to get the worst of both worlds. You get to go out but only conditionally and with the added unhelpful factor of having to keep checking the time rather than just enjoying yourself. Also, if you aren't ready to come home at 10, you've already made an agreement that means you'll have to.

You need to nip this selfishness in the bud, OP. And I say this as someone whose ex-h's unreasonable attitude about my social life (such as it was!) was a contributory factor to me LTB. The more amenable you are, the more he'll walk over you.

cjdamoo Sat 13-Apr-13 13:12:37

Go out stay out and turn of your phone. He will cope. selfish bugger

AnyFucker Sat 13-Apr-13 13:48:15

Where is op?

yeah I would be saying "I haven't been out by myself with friends for X months. If you don't support me going then you should plan on not going out with friends for X months and I would have :that: look on my face."

zukiecat Sat 13-Apr-13 18:17:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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