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Husband and Parents don't like each other and Husband refuses to go round

(65 Posts)
bengal38 Wed 10-Apr-13 19:54:58

Abit of a long story so please bear with me everyone.

My husband supports Spurs and my sister's husband and my mum support Arsenal. About 6 years ago Arsenal beat Spurs and my sister's husband phoned up my husband to tease him about it. My husband got annoyed and phoned up my dad. My dad started to get chest pains from the stress of it all and ended up in hospital as well.

Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.

For the last 2 years though things have got even worse. My husband refuses to go round and my mum/dad refuse to come round my house. I do still go round to see my mum/dad with the children (son 12 and daughter 9).

For my dads 65th birthday he never went and nor did I as things were very tight with money and we were expected to pay for the birthday party.

My husband will go round for Christmas Day to see them but that is all he will do. My mum refuses to phone him on his birthday and refuses to buy him a present as well. My mum will also refuse to buy him a Christmas present.

I also have a younger sister whose boyfriend has proposed to her and we had a get-together to celebrate this at her boyfriend's mums house. We were all invited but my husband refused to go as he didn't want to see my mum/dad so I ended up going on my own.

Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute.

I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this.

Any help appreciated.

Seriously?

Don't argue, don't engage. Let all the idiotic twats be twats.

Unless your dh and your BIL are the managers of Spurs and Arsenal they're are being fucking idiotic, immature arseholes.

Oh. My. Goodness.
You are stuck in the middle of the most ridiculous and petty feud I have ever heard of.
Can your DH not rise above it? It is very shocking that your parents and BIL are goading him to the point of him never wanting to see them again?!?

I am not sure what to suggest except tell them all how much this is upsetting you, and how incredibly childish they all are.
Does he understand how much this is affecting you????

Why are you married to someone so immature and stupid ? confused

Last chicken in the shop?

kungfupannda Wed 10-Apr-13 20:02:02

Sounds like the men in your life are complete drama-llamas.

Your brother rang your husband and teased him about a football team. So your husband rang your dad to complain. And then your dad got ill because this was so stressful?

Seriously?

I understand why you're upset about it, but I'd be inclined to tell the lot of them to do what they like and refuse to have any discussion with any of them on the subject.

mumofweeboys Wed 10-Apr-13 20:02:37

Ob they have had a major falling out and dislike each other no matter how it started. Iv been in same position but not lucky enough to have my parents live near so they stay with us - which they wouldnt do for a year plus due to dh.

Stay out of it. Its hard but they are never going to get on. As long as he isnt stopping you having a relationship with your family then just let your dh do his own thing.

bengal38 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:05:48

Should I do the same to him though? Like not go round for tea at my MILs house or go round for dinner there just to teach him that what he does to me I should do to him?

He never stops me from seeing my parents by the way.

firesidechat Wed 10-Apr-13 20:06:28

I can see that this is distressing for you, but it is totally ridiculous and makes me so pleased that no one in my family is this mad about sport. It's a game for goodness sake! No way should it have this impact on family life.

Sorry that I can't be more helpful, but your husband needs to grow up a bit and put their differences to one side. It's football!

kungfupannda Wed 10-Apr-13 20:08:48

For goodness sake, don't escalate it. Just do what you want to do and leave him to his own daft devises.

We are 20 years into a massive, non-speaking feud in my extended family. It's panned out that the only one who has lost out has been the one who started it because everyone else just carries on regardless and he misses all the family events.

In another 15 years or so he might start re-considerin his position...

HollyBerryBush Wed 10-Apr-13 20:10:06

Grow up the lot of you.

DiscoDonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 20:12:08

Good grief all this over football. Sorry but everyone involved sounds pathetic.

mynewpassion Wed 10-Apr-13 20:12:59

If you get along with mil then don't do it. Your parents and bil are not without blame either. If your dh doesn't stop you nor the dcs from seeing your parents then that's fine. If he sees them and polite to them at major events then that's all for the best. Do your parents treat him civilly at these same events?

TidyDancer England Wed 10-Apr-13 20:15:01

Oh good lord. What tits they all are.

Tell them all to fuck off if this nonsensical shit starts again.

This may be the single most immature and twattish argument I have ever read on MN.

Bunznroses Wed 10-Apr-13 20:17:27

Yes, you should definitely do the same to him- refuse to go to your pils. Then you'll all be as ridiculous as each other.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 10-Apr-13 20:18:06

I wouldn't make my DH visit my family if they constantly took the piss out of him. Your family should apologise, then if your DH still won't do family stuff with you, then you have reason to be pissed off with him.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:20:10

Over football?

Good. Grief.

Honestly, they need to grow up. I can't believe adults can behave like this over which set of blokes in shorts kick a bit of leather round a field.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 10-Apr-13 20:21:17

If the DP is rounded upon everytime he goes round then surely people can see his PoV?

I wouldn't want to be somewhere where I was the object of direct or indirect humour.

I believe that constantly picking on someone is called bullying.

mynewpassion Wed 10-Apr-13 20:22:39

Yeah I don't get why the dp is getting slated more than the ils?

Mrsrobertduvall Wed 10-Apr-13 20:22:49

You do post odd threads op.

PLEASE tell me this is a wind up !

bengal38 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:26:50

To be fair the last time my husband went to my mums/dads to eat was on Christmas Day and my mum sat there very miserable not inter-acting at all with my husband while my dad sat there making small-talk with my husband.

Everyone is very careful of what to say now infront of my husband.

To Mrsrobertduvall why do I post off threads?

mumofweeboys Wed 10-Apr-13 20:35:32

Why would u want him to go round to your parents if there is a horrible atmosphere? Surely u have much nicer time, popping around by yourself.

Your mum doesnt want to build bridges by your description so I dont think there is a way to bring them both round.

Your the bigger person by building a relationship with hia family - why would u spoil that by trying to prove a point that will prob fall on deaf ears.

noclue2000 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:48

so when your hubby does go over he either gets ignored or ridiculed?
id stop going too if that was what i was getting.

CSIJanner Wed 10-Apr-13 20:53:42

Can I ask if your mum doesn't like your husband because

A) your dads chest pains
B) she supports Arsenal
C) both of the above

You and your poor dad sound like their in the middle of it all. Has your dad spoken to your mum? And has your sister had a word with BIL? Or has it all boiled down to them blaming your DH for your dads chest pains?

candyandyoga Wed 10-Apr-13 21:07:26

Your mum and bil sound like goady idiots. Yes you hubby should rise above it but if they are always on him I'm not surprised be is pissed off. Why don't you tell your mum and bil to stop teasing him and back off?

edwardsmum11 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:15:48

Sound like a load of children. They need to grow up.

Pudgy2011 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:19:36

I can't believe all of this over two really shite football teams.

OP, tell the lot of them to grow the fuck up.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 10-Apr-13 21:25:29

Pudgy2011

It sounds to me like the DH has but no one is listening.

directoroflegacy Wed 10-Apr-13 21:31:05

When I was a teenager my dad stopped speaking to his mil(my gran) for the last 12 or so years of her life.
They could walk past eachother in the street and not acknowledge eachother, over 1 remark that my gran said (I wasn't witness to this).
He didn't go to her funeral either.
I remember thinking this was so sad.

Now fast forward another 10 years & my dh doesn't speak to his 2 brothers, I have nieces/nephews whose names I don't know, let alone have met- we haven't been to any family gatherings over the last 3 years.

Family eh! sad

thistlelicker Wed 10-Apr-13 21:32:27

Bigger issues in the world than arguing over football! Sad really! Poor op!

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:48

Poor you. And what a pathetic family. Sounds to me like your mum might be the best one to help restore relations, as she joined in with the stupid football comments in the first place and continues to shun your DH on birthdays and Xmas (how rude is that? No wonder your DH wants nothing to do with her). If she and your Dad find it upsetting and does not want you to argue with him then she should take some responsibility and apologise to him properly. What kind of an example is she setting for your children?

And your sister needs to tell her DH to grow up and leave football out of the family gatherings. He sounds like an utter arse.

musicmadness Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:50

Sounds like the whole lot of them need to grow up.

Me and a friend support rival teams and half of our friendship is teasing each other about it, and there are lots of different football teams supported in my family and we tease each other all the time whenever someones team has lost or something. Was your BIL actually being nasty or was it just teasing that was taken the wrong way? From my experience there is always banter between rival fans, and that is accepted as the default by most people but there is a line you don't cross.

Either way it is stupid to let a fight over sport go on like this, they need to get a grip!

ChaoticTranquility Wed 10-Apr-13 21:44:23

For once I think I agree with Boney

Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.

OP if every time you visited your in-laws they either ridiculed you or ignored you would you want to visit them?

The football is just a red herring. It would be something else trivial that would have kicked it off ...

I just know that if I allowed my H to behave this disrespectful [and immature] way towards my parents our married days would be numbered. In the same way my parents would have a bit more respect for me.

The big boy pants need to be pulled out.

in this ... Apologies

did you not think at any point to tell your BIL and Mother to shut the fuck up?

FGS.. my DH and DF support different teams, and they take the piss out of each other constantly.. they're usually even on conference call during derby matches between their teams. There's jokes and insults a plenty... but they're old enough not to get offended by it!

LaQueen Wed 10-Apr-13 21:59:02

Is your DH, 16?

By some bizarre quirk of genetics and a flux in the Space Vs. Time continuam, are your parents actually younger than you, and also 16?

exoticfruits Wed 10-Apr-13 22:12:48

It sounds as if they deserve each other!

EuroShaggleton Wed 10-Apr-13 22:54:38

How utterly pathetic.

"Everyone is very careful of what to say now in front of my husband."
Given how very inappropriate what they said in front of him in the past was (goading for a reaction), I should think so too! Your BIL and your mother are idiots. But IIRC, your mother is a bit shit all round, no?

"I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this."
Can you explain what you mean by 'spoken to him' here? That's a phrase that can either mean you had a conversation, or it could also mean you told him off. I'm hoping it means a conversation, but in that case I'm not clear on why it then becomes an argument. Why are you arguing with your husband? Your BIL and mother behaved like complete tits. For YEARS, at every opportunity. They are fuckwits. Your husband did extremely well to put up with being goaded for so long - I would have thrown the towel in with them far earlier. Frankly, he is quite right to refuse to go round to their house, since he is met with such inhospitable behaviour. (And IIRC, they're rather inhospitable to your children when they visit too.) Your mum and dad refusing to come round to your house - that's their choice. And they're both being tits. Your mother's behaviour where she refuses to acknowledge your husband for birthdays and Christmas - she's being a super-tit.

"Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute."
He's said he will go. Why would he change his mind?

The long and the short of it is that your mother and BIL behaved appallingly to your husband for a very long time, and he is entitled to call 'enough'. Your mother in particular is a pain in the arse, and you should really be backing your husband and telling your family that they are reaping what they have sown, and it is down to them to make amends. Which they won't even bother to consider, I expect.

TigerSwallowtail Thu 11-Apr-13 00:21:07

No wonder your dh doesn't want to be around your family, he was constantly ridiculed for 4 years and now he just gets ignored. You should have a talk with your parents and bil & SIL and have your mother and BIL apologise to your dh. Then hopefully they can all move past this.

Don't ignore your dh's family for revenge or to prove a point though.

SirBoobAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 00:27:29

Tell them all to grow the fuck up.

worridmum Thu 11-Apr-13 00:49:51

this is just hypocritical if it was your PIL / OH brother taking the piss out of you for 4 years people on mumsnet would say cut them off etc dont go around for EA etc but because its a man at the reciving end of the ridcule he should just 'grow up' god its disgusting if we tell females on here whos MIL abuses / bully (same thing in my books) them to grow up we would be flamed right off the forums

OP I would ask you to walk in his shoes and imagine if you would put up with yourself and or you children being treated the same way as you DH before you condem your DH actions as tbh he seems like the most grown up one out of the lot of you as he has made the decision to take himself out of the abusive sitation but not stopped you or your children visiting. So rather then come on here and contine slagging off your OH have some respect for his feelings about being the centre of constant ridicule rather then your own feelings of his "disrepct towards your family" for refusing to go into a situation were bullying is occuring.

If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands.

lisianthus Thu 11-Apr-13 01:25:07

"If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands."

^^ THIS. Start sticking up for your husband. Stop trying to think of ways to make his life worse, like treating your blameless MIL as rudely as your family are treating him.

My DB and my DSIL support "rival" teams (admittedly not quite as "rival" as Spurs and Arsenal as the teams DB and DSIL support haven't been in the same league much recently but still fierce local rivals whenever they do play each other) and my DB is about as "into" football as you could be. He has married someone who supports the rival team and apart from as an amusing anecdote in their wedding speeches it has never been an issue at all. It is just football fgs. Either your mum and DBIL are going way OTT with their goading of your DH's team or your DH is massively overreacting to teasing.

MidniteScribbler Thu 11-Apr-13 04:34:16

It's football FFS. A bunch of oversized boys being paid too much money to put a ball in to a net (which they never seem to manage to do most of the time). Your DH needs to grow up. So does the rest of your family. God, I'd hate to see how they react to actual important issues.

Chottie Thu 11-Apr-13 06:00:03

Do you think your DH just knows he will get lots of comments from your mum and he refuses to go round because he thinks he will just flip one day?

Please don't treat your PiL the same, you will be stooping to the same level as your DM. I do realise that to some people football is a religion, but lots of families support different team without having this sort of situation. I feel for you and DF sitting in the middle.

MammaTJ Thu 11-Apr-13 08:02:44

My DP supports Spurs, his DB supports Aresenal.

They rib each other, they phone each other and give each other grief when the play each other. But it is all in fun, they are adults!!

If your DH had been more adult in his initial response to the first incident none of this would be happening. It sounds to me as though he 'went running to daddy' ie told tales on your DB when he gave him a ribbing the first time.

I have no clue what to do about it other than bang their heads together.

Refusing to visit his family in retaliation is particularly childish IMO.

You ALL need to grow up.

How old is your husband and your BIL, eleven? Knock their heads together and tell them both to grow up.

TigerSwallowtail Thu 11-Apr-13 09:48:54

Great post worrid.

TheLonleyYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 09:59:23

Has anyone pointed out to any of them that it is only a fucking game?

Might help them get over themselves.

LaQueen Thu 11-Apr-13 10:06:00

Have to say, if my DH or my family were so petty, and acted so incredibly childishly, over football FFS (or, anything for that matter) then I'd bang all their heads together, and tell them to get over themselves and damn well grow up.

What on Earth would they do, if they had a real issue to deal with hmm

flaminhoopsaloolah Thu 11-Apr-13 10:06:15

I dont think there's really anything you can do except ignore it and refuse to be drawn into it. Are you a peacemaker by nature? If you are then this advice can be hard to impliment.

Is there any way, when it all gets to you, that you can go sonweher quiet and imagine them all in silly little school uniforms squabbling it out between themselves (or some other equally silly scenario) so you can let your subconscious see how silly it all is and maybe have a wuiet gighle to yourself about it?

SamuelWestsMistress Thu 11-Apr-13 10:18:44

People who take supporting football teams to the point of disliking others for supporting different teams are fucking idiots. It's a game for fuck sake, A GAME! Get a bloody grip.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 11-Apr-13 11:12:05

It is very easy -looking at some of the responses on here- to see how bullies get away with goading and provoking their victims for so long.

EldritchCleavage Thu 11-Apr-13 11:46:54

I don't think it is 'just football', in the sense that the BIL and mother have used football as a means to treat the OP's DH like dirt over an extended period of time. They could have decided to mock him about his hair, or any other trivial thing. The pretext isn't important, the mocking is.

I would try and get some assurances from BIL and your mother that they will make an effort for the engagement party/wedding so you can reassure your DH.

And I do think he deserves a bit more support from you over this.

i still want to know why you didnt tell your mother and bil to shut the fuck up when it was obvious they were upsetting your DH?

While your DH needs to stop being so bloody sensitive (and i've have told him that too) your family shouldnt have been allowed to keep going on and on and on at him.

LaQueen Thu 11-Apr-13 11:50:48

If my DH was behaving like an immature idiot, then he would get zero support from me.

As would my Mum.

flippityflophophop Thu 11-Apr-13 11:54:14

You know...after reading the last two posts and giving it a bit of thought...OP, is that actually going on here? Is there bullying? It's hard to judge fro an online post....are the two sides as bad as each other and refusing to back down or is it more than that? There's a fine line> My original reply was just concentrating on how this is affecting you - you don't seem to be ablt to get everyone to come to a resolution on this, though it seems you have at least attempted to remain neutral, but it is affecting your marriage...do you think your DH is actually being bullied unfairly when you step back from it all?

Why did your DH feel the need to phone your dad up during that first incident? Perhaps that might help us to see a more rounded version of the situation - it strikes me as a little odd...

We there other problems before this initial incident of teasing from your BIL?

Has your DH respectfully asked them to please stop but they ignore him? Does he sometimes initiate the teasing?

When you put this problem into the context of your family as a whole, how does it sit with you?

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 11-Apr-13 11:55:36

La Queen

What is your view on trolls, goaders etc.

Do you tell your children to ignore those that call them names, to not engagewith them?
Do you agree with the posts that tell posters not to have anything to do with toxic parents/ILs?

If yes, that is what the OP's DH is doing.

ecclesvet Thu 11-Apr-13 12:02:39

People posting "it's only a game" type comments are missing the point, I think. The football stuff is a red herring, the larger principle is that her DH is constantly left out, isolated, disrespected, bullied, etc, and OP doesn't seem to care. If the genders were reversed MN would be telling the 'DH' to support his 'wife' against the toxic in-laws.

mynewpassion Thu 11-Apr-13 12:21:01

I know its bad form to bring up past threads from the OP but her family specifically her mother has not been nice to her DH, her, or her two children. She has written about this before too, and now bil will refuse to attend family events if her DH is there.

The wedding might have some major fireworks.

SoldeInvierno Thu 11-Apr-13 17:47:45

I feel very sorry for your DH. This started with a stupid argument about football, but it seems to me that it could have been about anything. Your family are a bunch of bullies and have decided to make your DH their victim.

MildDrPepperAddiction Thu 11-Apr-13 17:52:05

They all sound like a bunch of idiots. Ignore them.

grovel Thu 11-Apr-13 17:53:15

They are all as bad as each other.

Spurs and Arsenal are revolting clubs.

There's only one team in London. Chelsea.

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