to wonder when is pornography acceptable

(209 Posts)
tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:07:16

When is it acceptable? I hate the stuff and my OH know's how I feel. But today he went to the hospital to make sure that his vasectomy has worked and wanked off to glossies in a private room.
Obviously for medical purposes pornography is acceptable??

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 14:09:13

Considering that many people are anti-pornography because they fear women/men are being exploited for cash, I'd guess that'd still not be acceptable.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:11:57

Doesn't feel acceptable to me, I feel pretty hurt and upset to be honest.

EGnHJsmum Wed 10-Apr-13 14:16:28

putting aside the exploitation argument and just taking the question as when/if at all is acceptable a man or woman in a relationship to look at naked explicit sexual images or read explicit sexual literature? then the answer to my mind is if both parties consent then it is acceptable as part of a healthy sexual relationship, either viewed together or alone, it should not be a substitute for person on person but extra ;-)

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:20:27

Need a hand holding, am in bits trying to look after the babies whilst typing this.

Mimstar Wed 10-Apr-13 14:30:19

I might be being a bit naive as porn generally doesn't bother me, but I think in that situation I wouldn't be upset as I think men 'need' visual stimulation to do it? It would be very different if he was doing it at home against your wishes, but if it's the only way he could do it and it was for medical reasons I think I'd accept it.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:39:14

Mim-Porn never did bother me. But it does now, and he knows that. He also know that I have given birth twice in the past 19 months to his children and am not feeling great or very sexy about my body. So without drip feeding I think he's been a twat.

Mimstar Wed 10-Apr-13 14:42:07

sad I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling down, and I think I would feel the same in your shoes, as there have been times when I've not been feeling my best and it has bothered me. Could he have 'managed' without the magazines do you think? Can you tell him that you're just feeling a bit insecure and in need of reassurance, will he give you a cuddle and tell you how beautiful you are etc? smile

Not, not acceptable at all IMO. He knows it bothers you and he knows how you feel, so I think he was out of line too TBH.

Men don't 'need' visual stimulation to do it. Really they don't. I have slept with all of five men in my woefully lacking life and not one of them 'needed' visual stimulation. Perhaps they were the oddest five men in the world, but I doubt it.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:45:41

Mim - Thanks, he know how I feel about myself. Im in the process of folding the clothes in the kitchen and his are going into a black bag. This feels really it for me.

Binkybix Wed 10-Apr-13 14:46:43

In theory it doesn't bother me (but then you have separate exploitation issues obvs), but I can see how it would if I was feeling particularly low about myself.

In your case your DH knew it would bother you, so that's a different issue.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:50:46

So where do I go from here? As it stands I've had a couple of texts saying sorry but not really taking responsibility for what he's done. He's at work at the moment he doesn't finish until 11 and I will be too exhausted to deal with him.

niceguy2 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:51:51

I really don't think this is a dumping offence. Men of course don't 'need' visual stimulation. It just helps!

If he's sat in a hospital room with Dr's & nurses's waiting for him to pony up a sample, he's hardly going to feel like getting a hard on and bashing the bishop is he? In fact I can only imagine it'd be quite offputting to think that someone is outside waiting for you.

In that context I really don't think using a mag to distract himself momentarily so he can do what he needs to do is something worth dumping him over.

No doubt I'll be set upon by the feminists who will see my reply as me being a typical man defending my right to wank off to porn and exploit women. Whereas in reality I'm the one avoiding having to watch porn at home because my OH wants me to and I don't.

harleyd Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:01

i think you are completely over-reacting

Nancy66 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:08

Was he expecting to be put into a room and masturbate?

Maybe it came as a surprise and he felt he had to do as he was asked.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:58

I think your reaction is a bit OTT to be honest. How is he supposed to take ownership of the situation? Presumably, he wanted to get out of there ASAP and that made it easier for him. I can't imagine feeling very sexy in a hospital environment when everyone knows what you are doing in that room! Can't blame him for needing help really.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:55:21

Harleyd-really? Why am I over-reacting?
Nancy, no it said on the letter that he would be supplied with glossies. I objected when the letter came.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 14:55:38

My goodness, it's OTT reactions like yours that will make your husband be selective with the things he tells you in future.

I do find the 'poor man, so hard to be expected to wank' thing odd. hmm

But did he discuss this with you before? Is it that he thinks it's ok and you disagree (ie., you've got a difference of opinion, it's really important to both of you so you can't reconcile it), or is it that you're shocked and don't understand why he did this?

If it's the first I think you need to tell him that the issue (rather than this specific incident) is too big a difference of opinon for you.

If it's the second, you need to work out what he was thinking, and if he can justify it in a way that makes you feel better (not saying you should feel you have to accept a justification, just that people are different and some people would).

MrsSippy Wed 10-Apr-13 14:58:53

Good lord, calm down and think about this reasonably, I think you'll see that you are massively over-reacting.

I think it is something that is very personal to the individual situation IYSWIM.
For some people, it wouldn't necessarily be a big deal.
But if you knew these magazines were on offer and made it very clear that you were unhappy with it, then I can see why you are upset.

No one can tell you that you are over reacting because everyone's reaction to porn is different, I think.

But if I had told my DH that something made me unhappy and uncomfortable and he still did it, I would feel very disrespected.

Nancy66 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:59:44

What would you have liked him to have done OP? Produce the sample without the need for the magazines?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:00:04

howshouldibehave - That's helpful, thanks.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 10-Apr-13 15:01:03

YABU, a bit. If he needed to produce a sperm sample with the least possible delay then a wank mag's probably the easiest way. What would he have done without the porn? Used his imagination, I guess. And would whatever he imagined be any more insecure making to you? I would guess not. Unless you think that his jerk-off fantasies would be of your stretchmarks.

Dunno about you, but my sexual thoughts aren't all that wholesome. What's inside his head isn't going to be any "nicer" than what's on the page. Big thing to remember is that it's you he loves.

I never really understand the big anxiety that if your partner looks at porn he's going to be critical about your appearance. Porn is just porn. It's not real. IME, adult men in relationships are highly unlikely to compare their rl DP to the anonymous women in porn. Mind you, I said "adult".

OK, you do get very nasty, violent porn, but I don't think that's what your OH was using. That's a different issue.

I see mainstream porn for men as often performing the same role as romance does for women. Millions of women read slushy fantasies involving other men. Do they compare their own husbands to the wealthy gorgeous heroes in romances? No, the books are just escapist fun. Do their husbands get insecure? Not if they've got any sense.

bobbywash Wed 10-Apr-13 15:02:38

Very OTT reaction

So he's honest enough to tell you afterwards that he had to use a magazine (which you used to find acceptable, if I read the OP properly) so that they could check that he is now no longer fertile, in a sanatised hospital, and your thinking that's it.

Hmm maybe if he had lied either by omission or comission, you'd find that acceptable?

I think I'd rather a partner was honest enough to give me the truth even if they thought it might hurt a bit would be more important.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 15:03:09

people i know had a wank at home and took the sample in within so many hours of doing it , i would be pissed of too but not to the point of throwing him out , to be fair to him he didnt have to tell you when he knows how you feel about porn, so least hes honest .

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:03:23

Nancy-The appointment he went to today comes 19 months after his vasecomy. His initial specimen - some 17 months ago needed to be produced at home and taken to the hospital close by. He couldn't be bothered and left it all this time. So he ended up having to go to our GP who has sent him to a different hospital today. So yes he could have done the sample at home initially.

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 15:03:35

You knew he had to go to the hospital to have a wank, he went to the hospital, and masturbated with the aid of some visual stimulation. Hospitals aren't generally the sexiest of environments, the guy needed some extra help.

I'm shocked at your overreaction to be honest. You're 'in bits', you're putting his belongings into black bags, he's not 'taking responsibility for what he's done'?

Bloody hell, get a grip woman.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 15:03:36

I'm sorry you don't see my reply as helpful, but I think it's probably very true.

I thing you are blowing this all out of proportion. Your DH didn't have to tell you he looked at them, he could have lied. I bet that, judging by your massive overreaction, he will edit the truth carefully next time there is something he thinks you're going to go ape over.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:04:18

Shellbu-He didn't tell me I saw the letter on the fridge.

niceguy2 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:04:56

I do find the 'poor man, so hard to be expected to wank' thing odd.

Really? Go put yourself in a room and! Feel sexy? I wouldn't.

A little bit of distraction is not REQUIRED but I can understand why it would help.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 10-Apr-13 15:05:10

OP, I would struggle to masturbate to orgasm, on demand, in a medical environment without porn. How do you think you would manage it?

My intention with this question is not to get at you but to ask what you would do under such

rustybusty Wed 10-Apr-13 15:07:55

Whether he wanks off to porn or not hes still going to be thinking of other womens hot bodies frequently. Same as most women do. You should change the way you feel about yourself.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:08:02

Can I Just point out - I knew he was expected to masturate to porn. I Told him I wasn't happy. He still went anyway. But I am being unreasonable?

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 15:08:45

Yes you are being VERY unreasonable.

I think YABU - it was so he could produce sperm to check his vasectamy had worked.

He wasn't doing it 'behind your back', or doing it even though he knows you don't like it, he was doing it to provide a sample. I imagine that a blank hospital room doesn't conjure sexy thoughts, and a magazine would help.

IWishIWasSheRa Wed 10-Apr-13 15:09:06

Imagine if a smear test (just thinking nearest equivalent situation) involved having to orgasm?! Christ I don't think it'd be very easy in a timed clinical environment! And then you get home and your husband berates you after the most undignifying moment you can recall.
I think you are over reacting- your reaction is more conducive to finding out he has an online porn subscription than a medical test to support both of your family planning choices.

Can I Just point out - I knew he was expected to masturate to porn. I Told him I wasn't happy. He still went anyway. But I am being unreasonable?

Yes - do you not want to find out if his operation worked?

Maybe83 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:13:25

Really? I think your reaction is absolutely extreme and ridiculous to me to to be honest. I presume there is a number of other issues because I honestly can not imagine leaving my husband and him moving out of our family home and our children because he looked at a porn mag to provide a semen sample for a medical procedure.

And as for the men don't need visual stimulation to be able to really and you have this information because you were in the room with her partner. I mean I would find it extremely arousing to be in a hospital room trying to come on demand no problem at all!

You mention having given birth twice in 19 mths so I presume the vacestomy was something you both wanted and made a joint relationship decision about? Sorry your not feeling great in your self but if you were my friend and we were sitting in my kitchen having a chat based on the info above I d tell you to cop on and get a grip and ask what have you planned to start making your self feel better never mind anything to do with your partner.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 15:14:18

have you actually asked him if he used the porn ? you said you saw the letter on the fridge saying about the glossies , but he might not of bothered looking at them , there are some men that find the women in these mags a turn off .

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:16:56

visualise - He could have took a sample 17 months ago from home without needing to do this if he hadn't of been such a lazy twat.
Shellbu - yes he rang me after, he was very impressed that the porn was laminated!!

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:18:48

I have just had a message from him. His exact words were "I did it for us all. What the actual fuck???

bettycocker Wed 10-Apr-13 15:19:56

OP, I can totally relate to body hangups, but DP needing some "help" at the hospital is not going to affect how he views you.

I'd find it difficult to get myself off in that environment and I can see how something sexy to read or to look at, would be required!

Do men need visual stimulation? Probably not, I've had phone sex and the other person was definitely getting aroused. grin

SmellieWellies Wed 10-Apr-13 15:21:32

Op. honestly, i think in this scenario, a little bit of help probably did not hurt, and you may be a little OTT. But, you have had two babies in 19 months, and are feeling fragile.... that is understandable. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk too, or get help? You sound at the end of your tether, a bit emotional, possibly irrational.

Are you OK?

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 15:21:49

So are you seriously chucking him out because he wanked himself off to Jinormous Juggz or Dogging Weekly or whatever?

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:22:59

Sorry, OP, I'm with the others on this. I do think you are being unreasonable. This was a medical procedure, not something smutty behind your back. If he was addicted to porn and your love life was suffering as a result, I'd agree with you. If he was into teenage girl porn, or violent porn, then fair enough. But to check his vasectomy worked...

And I would also ask you to maybe take a look at the Relationships board and read about some of the utter wanker's on there that women are dealing with before you talk about kicking your husband out over this. Maybe post this on Relationships yourself and see what people there have to say about it. I suspect they'd tell you the same thing.

niceguy - yes, really.

The OP is getting slated because she is upset.

She is upset because she doesn't like the idea of her DH wanking to porn.

This may not be a view you or others share, and plenty of people who don't like the idea of porn might think there are degrees of acceptability, but obviously she does feel upset and hurt. I don't get what taking the piss out of her is going to do to help.

To be honest, I think the issue is his attitude to her as much as the porn. He knows she had an issue with it. He had an option to bring in a sample, he didn't have to do this. So what does he do? He rings her up to gloat about how nice it was the porn was laminated.


He obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about how his wife feels.

Yes, he should have done it months ago, but he didn't. So he went into hospital, looked at a couple of magazines, provided a sample to check the op had worked ok.

And even if he was at home, doing a sample, he may have also used porn then....what's the difference where he uses it?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:24:51

smelliewellies - probably but heho, that's life.

And I do understand that you are feeling fragile, and not at your sexiest (it's amazing who having a baby can destroy your body confidence). This is the issue here, not that your husband had one wank to porn in a hospital. The issue is that you don't feel good about yourself, and you really should be looking for advice to do with your self-esteem.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 15:26:10

urghh wipe clean laminate! sounds like hes taking the piss going into detail about laminate ,go buy a firemans calendar , tell him you are having an early night , alone lol

TheFallenNinja Wed 10-Apr-13 15:26:34

In this instance what's the difference between using the glossie or reaching into the spank bank?

SmellieWellies Wed 10-Apr-13 15:27:06

tooties, honestly, I am not having a go, just I am worried you seem SO upset. I am pretty anti-porn, but in that case I am kind of feeling a bit sorry for anyone having to go into that environment and perform like that. It all seems so icky.

Bit it is great he had a vasectomy, yes? Clearly a family decision? Wish my DH would have one.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 15:27:39

I have just had a message from him. His exact words were "I did it for us all. What the actual fuck???

Tbh I'm thinking the same. Sorry you are feeling low about your body at the moment but you are overreacting

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 10-Apr-13 15:27:50

Im in the process of folding the clothes in the kitchen and his are going into a black bag. This feels really it for me.

This is a massive over-reaction, Tootsiefrootsie! YAB totally f**king U!

I can't believe you're even thinking of splitting up over this. And you have 2 kids with this man? Where the heck's your sense of proportion? Get a grip and grow up. angry

cricketballs Wed 10-Apr-13 15:27:51

are you seriously considering kicking out your DH, the father to your DC because he looked at a porn mag in order to gain a sperm sample within a hospital setting to check whether an operation has worked or not; words fail me angry

revolvenotevolve Wed 10-Apr-13 15:30:25

He is doing something to help your relationship. He may not have even 'used' the magazines. I also find it objectionable that because you don't like it/are insecure you feel it is acceptable to control that aspect of someone else too.I don't happen to like kebabs as I both dislike the taste,the production and am a vegetarian but if my husband was offered one I wouldn't be packing his bags - as long as he didn't literally wave it under my nose and refuse my home cooking in favour of kebabs then I couldn't care less as he is an autonomous adult with his own tastes.

BellaVita Wed 10-Apr-13 15:30:55


Get a bloody grip.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:31:26

LRD - Thanks. I don't like him wanking to porn it makes me feel sick.
I feel like letting the irrationality take over. All I ever do is put him and the children first and I count down the years until it will finally be all over and I will be free.

PuffPants Wed 10-Apr-13 15:31:56

Biggest over-reaction I have read in here in a while. You are throwing him out over this??? Good grief. You sound tired and emotional over other things. A sleep and a bath should be your first priorities. Don't make yourself more upset by lashing out at your DH over something so insignificant, trite and run-of-the-mill.

Go and have a cup of tea - you'll be laughing about this soon.

Ah, now we're at the point where the people telling the OP she's overreacting are overreacting about someone on the net they've never met.

Is there a need to storm all over an upset woman telling her she needs to grow up and swearing at her?

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 15:33:07

I count down the years until it will finally be all over and I will be free.

You are clearly brim full of resentment towards him. I think you're latching onto this as an excuse.

maddening Wed 10-Apr-13 15:33:19

If you and your oh created pornographic images of yourselves then that would be acceptable smile

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 15:34:29

tootsie is there more to this story? You counting down the year till its all over sounds worrying.

Are you ok? You may want to get this thread moved.

maddening Wed 10-Apr-13 15:34:39

Ps it sounds like you actually don't like your oh so maybe your repulsion at him wanking comes from that?

EldritchCleavage Wed 10-Apr-13 15:35:04

I think-not in any way to minimise your upset-you should do nothing now. Sleep on it, talk to your DH in the morning.

I am puzzled as to why he telephoned you and gave you all those details, since he knows how you now feel about porn and you specifically told him you would not be happy for him to use it. It seems pretty unkind and unnecessary.

All that said, unless there are other issues in the relationship, is it ending over this really what you want not just now but long term?

tootie - it sounds as if there is a lot more to this, is that right?

I'm not saying that to dismiss your OP or to suggest you shouldn't be upset about him wanking over porn, but the way you're talking you sound as if that's nt the only thing.

I know what you mean about letting the irrationality take over. You can get to a point where everything gets to you and you just focus on the last thing.

I reckon you're not going to get much but flaming here ... you might do better to namechange and ask in Relationships about this stuff, because if you're at a point where you feel you're always putting him first, where you have disagreements over stuff like this and neither of you seems to be getting through to the other, there is obviously a lot going on.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 15:35:23

she is not overreacting at all that is her opinion shes not going to change it just because it was in a clinical enviroment , if you are against something that is it ,no exceptions ,good for her , i would feel degraded and pissed off too if my oh looked at porn .

Plus what eldritch said.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:36:50

LRD - Thanks for the support but the general opinion is AIBU. So I probably am.

revolvenotevolve Wed 10-Apr-13 15:37:22

You sound very tired.
OP I suggest you have a rest and factor in time for a break away from the chores. I think you may be oversensitive because of this tiredness.
Hope you feel better soon

peanutMD Wed 10-Apr-13 15:37:43

Tooties what do you mean you are counting down the years and can't wait till its over?

bettycocker Wed 10-Apr-13 15:38:10

I think some of the others are right. It seems very much like a confidence issue and poor body image. If these things weren't issues for you, you'd probably have a chuckle over this whole thing, especially the laminated jazz mags! shock

Focus on building up your confidence, rather than worrying about whether your partner sees the occasional bit of porn iyswim.

sannaville Wed 10-Apr-13 15:38:15

Yabvvvvvu . My Dh is having vasectomy soon and I exepct he will have to use a mag to produce a sample. I feel sorry for the men they must be petrified someone will walk in on them or hear them I'm suprised they can even get a hard on!

quietlysuggests Wed 10-Apr-13 15:39:01

you are entitled to your feelings.
you should cry and let it out and not feel you are being unreasonable in feeling so upset.

Its possible then when you calm down you will relise that you feel like an underappreciated drudge and that this is the basis for your feelings on this particular day.

HoobleDooble Wed 10-Apr-13 15:40:29

I just feel sorry for the poor person who has the job of wiping down the laminates at the end of the day!

I really don't know what to tell you OP, I'm very opposed to porn too and would probably be upset in your situation, but I don't think throwing him out would solve anything.

You need to tell him how low your self esteem is right now, give him a chance to boost your ego. Let him look after the kids while you have some time to unwind? X

sannaville Wed 10-Apr-13 15:41:45

Tootsie just read some more of this thread you sound exhausted with two under 2s. Get some time out and help for yourself x

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:42:00

Peanut - Life, counting down the years until it's over. It means nothing. It all ends in shit.

Yes....there must be a lot more to this than meets the eye. You don't sound happy at all in this relationship.

DebsMorgan Wed 10-Apr-13 15:44:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh Wed 10-Apr-13 15:44:47

You do need to speak to someone tooties, maybe your GP, someone removed from your immediate situation? Or Samaritans?

pinkiegum Wed 10-Apr-13 15:46:30

OP you are me a few years ago. The counting down the years bit. I would suggest that text messages are not the best way to discuss with your oh. If you want to stay in a relationship with your oh it means sitting down together when you both have the time and explaining how you feel calmly and if possible without getting upset.
I agree with who ever it was who said it sounds like u need a self esteem boost.

Sorry to just butt in btw but this really struck a chord.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:47:36

I don't need to speak to anyone. I am here whilst the children need me and then I won't be.

Nancy66 Wed 10-Apr-13 15:49:00

You sound very unhappy tootsies - I imagine the porn mag episode was the last straw.

Please seek some help.

pinkiegum Wed 10-Apr-13 15:49:48

That was my exact attitude. Now they're older (teens) I have my life and my body back. If u can negotiate time out for your whole they're small I'm willing to bet it'll help you

You do need to speak to someone sound seriously unfufilled with your life.

Is there no-one (sister, mum, mate) who you can chat to about your relationship?

fromparistoberlin Wed 10-Apr-13 15:51:21


this sound like a cry for help

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go and see a GP, and get some help

Its does NOT have to be this way

please x

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:52:40

Your right I'm not happy. But don't back down, none of you because I can take it.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:55:03

Visualise - My mum's dead. She died of alcoholic liver disease. No sister and my best mate is a me-me. I can deal with it myself.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 10-Apr-13 15:55:21

Could you have PND op?

My mum was very depressed and used to talk about "only staying alive for the kids". I think you need to see a doctor.

You poor love, please go and talk to your GP. You don't have to feel like this about life, things can and will get better.

MissSG Wed 10-Apr-13 16:00:47

Your DH was being disrespectful ringing you up and telling you the porn was laminated when you expressed your concerns about it, He needs to consider your feelings in situations like these.

However, In the kindest way possible, I do think that you are overreacting a bit with your DH seeing the porn. These are images of women and at the end of the day he comes home to you and loves you.

Go to your GP OP, I can tell from your posts that you are going through a lot in life right now and you need some help with picking yourself up otherwise these little things are going to get on top of you.

EldritchCleavage Wed 10-Apr-13 16:00:52

I can deal with it myself

I'm sure you can, but it isn't always the best option.
Maybe not pack DH's bags, pack one for yourself and go away for a couple of days.

But honestly, you sound depressed (been there) and unhappy and as though you are defiantly trying to manage with it which is brave but a very hard lonely way to live. Can you speak to your GP about it?

BelaLugosisShed Wed 10-Apr-13 16:01:31

Why did he have to go to the hospital to provide a sample? confused
It's not as if it's a time-critical sample like for a fertility test, when DH did his samples after his vasectomy ( they like 3 at one month intervals), I assisted him at home and then we took the sample pot in, all they are checking for is the presence or absence of sperm, it doesn't matter if it's alive or not.

Hospitals can also provide collection condoms for those men who don't want to masturbate for the sample.

I am very anti porn but I can't help think that there are other issues here.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:02:16

I don't want to talk to my GP. Have you seen how the government stereotype people with MH issues. I will just fly under the radar until they can take care of themselves.

Extreme over reaction, the hospital needed a sample, quickest way is to show him naked ladies.

I don't like oh wanking to porn either, but I wouldn't throw him out over it, are you really going to deny your children a father because of a medical issue?!?!

Your GP is not the government. A quarter of the population experience mental health problems at some point in their lives, probably more. There is plenty of help out there and it could make everything feel very different.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 10-Apr-13 16:07:49

You sound depressed, in the clinical sense of the word. Waiting for death is not healthy. Get thee to a doctor. You're not thinking straight right now.
And I say this as a person with lifelong (now controlled) depression.
Your kids will always need you, emotionally even when they no longer need you physically - and they (and you) deserve a happy mother.

Please, please, email the Samaritan at
They will let you rant and rave without telling you what to do.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:09:27

StarryAngel-Please read the whole thread and not just parts.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 10-Apr-13 16:09:44

And please don't let suspicion of gps put you off. Yes, there's still stigma attached to mh issues, but in my experience it doesn't come from doctors.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 16:10:12

That could be a long way off tootsie I'm 34 and I still need my mum.

My mum has had really bad depression in the past, watching her go through it was so difficult. She got help from her GP had talking therapy and most importantly spoke to friends about how she was feeling. She was amazed to find out just how many had been through similar things.

I'll give you my mums advice "if you feel really low, to and speak to your GP, take the pills they will help, you will feel better"

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:11:26

I will be a while updating. I am off to drop his clothes off. Thanks to those of you who have supported me.

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:11:33

Ok, I have MH issues. I've had Ante-natal depression (twice) and am still suffering from PND. I have been absolutely rock-bottom. I have had the suicidal days (and still get them). And I got help. I couldn't give a flying fuck what the 'government' think. What do they have to do with you and your family?

And yes, I'm being harsh. Because your refusal to help yourself is a refusal to help your family. Inevitably your relationship WILL suffer. And don't think for a second that your children won't be affected by your PND as they get older because they are more perceptive than you think. My DD (11) knows when I'm having a bad day and is amazing in her responses. I could cry when she helps out with her younger brothers and offers to make me coffee and what-not. But she shouldn't have to deal with it so I keep it from her as much as possible. And that's on meds.

You NEED to get help. If you are existing for your children, then GET SOME HELP. You can't be there for them properly otherwise. So please, please see your GP. And forget about outside attitudes to MH.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 10-Apr-13 16:11:38

And there's no medal for pretending to be ok. Take it from someone who could have written your posts a few years ago.
Please get some help.

I'm sorry that I was replying to the op. you asked a question, I answered it.

There is obviously more going on than just porn. Lots of people will comment on the porn issue rather than your MH issues as this thread is primarily about porn.

You should start another thread where people can you help you more.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 16:15:29

Your not really dropping his clothes off are you?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:16:23

Whenshe - should I not drop them off? Should I cut them up or burn them?

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:18:03

Tooties - you should leave the clothes alone and make an appointment with your GP! Or are you seriously going to break up your family over something trivial because you won't deal with your own issues? Stop playing avoidance games. Get yourself sorted.

KnitFastDieWarm Wed 10-Apr-13 16:19:30

worried is right - you my think your kids won't pick up on it, but they will.
Even if you don't want to get help for your own sake (which,, btw, is a classic symptom of depression - 'i'll just cope, it doent matter if im miserable because i dont matter') - do it for them.
Imagine the burden you are placing on your DC - making them the only reason you're alive. That's not fair on them.
Please be aware that you sound very depressed and irrational - and I know that because when I'm having an episode I sound just like that! And please take this is the way it's meant smile you're not well and there's no way to just will it away, any more than with a physical illness.

Phone the gp right now, you need help.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 16:21:32

Put the clothes down and phone your GP.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:21:49

Starry - So porn is ok, but just for medical reasons? Or porn is ok full stop?

It was aid to help him at the hospital. He's not coming in with mags I brown paper bags.

My oh had to do the same, I wasn't particularly happy but wasn't going to throw him out or burn his clothes!

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 16:31:11

If you are genuinely going to throw out your partner because he masturbated whilst having his vasectomy appointment, you really ought to speak to someone about your mental health issues.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:31:58

Starry-he didn't need to do it though did he? Originally when he had the vasectomy all he had to do was pop a sample in from home to the hospital. He left it too long and had to go down this route!!

Exactly what KF said!

So what did you want him to do????

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:33:40

Kinky - Maybe this is the last straw. Or maybe I'm just fucked up in the head and that's how I roll?

Ever thought he put it off because of your reaction?

niceguy2 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:36:17

So porn is ok, but just for medical reasons? Or porn is ok full stop?

That's a question which will divide a lot of people. You have many who viciously hate it and others who don't mind as long as the actors are consenting adults.

In your situation the fact is that your OH was in a hospital and needed to provide a specimen. In that clinical environment and given that a hospital won't be supplying the really distasteful stuff to him, that it can be understood why he decided to use porn to help him.

He should also be given a bit of credit for telling you the truth despite knowing your feelings on the matter because the easier option would have been to lie.

I think you need to put this into perspective and decide if you really want to throw him out because of a single wank in a hospital to provide a medical sample and/or whether or not you want to react in such a way as to encourage him to lie to you in the future.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:36:52

Where are you taking his clothes?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:37:36

Starry? put what off? not going for 17 months? different appointment, different hospital, different method of collecting semen. And that's why I say read the whole thread....

Crawling Wed 10-Apr-13 16:37:45

Its never acceptable. If a man can have a wank through mental images at home then he can in clinic.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:38:00

howshould - they are here next to me in a bag

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:39:07

You sound incredibly difficult to live with-the porn issue seems irrelevant having read your more recent posts. Perhaps it would be better if you and your DH had some time apart whilst you seek professional help?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:39:22

Niceguy - He never had the option to lie. I knew what he was going to do. I objected. He ignored.

StickEmUpPunk Wed 10-Apr-13 16:39:37

If he knew he was going to need some stimulation, why glossies.

Could he not have taken a picture of his wife in and wanked over that?

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:39:53

I thought you said you were going out to drop his clothes out??

I have twice, all I can see is someone who clearly needs help overreacting about something small. He wasn't shagging someone else, he was checking a medical procedure had worked!!

Samu2 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:41:09

We did DH samples at home and sent them off to the lab.

No wanking off to porn needed. Plus, even if he did have to do it in a clinic he wouldn't need porn to orgasm. He can managed perfectly fine without it and has done since he was a teen as he hates porn and what it stands for.

YANBU in your feelings at all, OP.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:41:15

Drop his clothes off, even!

Fargo86 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:42:08

What man wants to wank over pics of his wife? Do you fantasise about your husband while you masturbate?

I think the OP might be on a wind-up tbh. I sincerely hope that is the case.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:42:19

howshouldibehave - I am incredibly difficult to live with. Like I have said before I am trying my best. Trying to get to the end of it but not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Exactly! I don't fantasise about oh as I can have him at any time. I think of Daniel Craig smile

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:43:32

Fargo - I don't masturbate, I had a cyst removed from my vagina after giving birth. It has left me feeling very low about my lady bits.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:44:14

If you accept that, yet don't access professional help, then you are heading towards a breakdown or a divorce. Do you not want something better for your children?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:45:16

howshould - I'm trying to calm down first, I don't want to drive upset with the little ones in the car.

Samu2 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:45:17

BTW I should have added that while your feelings aren't U your actions to me seem to be a little extreme.

However, you obviously aren't happy and the porn was just perhaps the straw that broke the camels back.

Samu2 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:46:37

Fargo.. Actually, if I am going to get myself off I will use the mental image of my husband over some stranger every time.

Is that odd?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 16:47:10

howshouldi-Yes I do want something better for my children which is why I have put up with it for so long.

Fargo86 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:48:05

Samu2, yes I would say it is.

digerd Wed 10-Apr-13 16:49:20

I would like to hear honest experiences of the men who had to do it alone in a hospital cupboard/toilet/cubicle. I think most would need some visual stimulation.

2 babies in 19 months . How do you manage? I couldn't. You must be exhausted.

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 16:50:55

Have you posted before about problems with your husband?

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 16:51:46

I'm confused-are you trying to calm down before seeking help or before taking your husband's clothes somewhere, OP?

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 16:52:58

Given birth twice in 19 months? I thought your husband's vasectomy was 19 months ago?

So was he putting off getting the vasectomy for 17 months or giving in the sample?

I spent time on anti depressants. It made me a better Mother, person and effected every part of my life, how I felt about myself, my sleep, how I managed housework etc.

I didn't want to see the GP and put it off for far too long and tried to just manage. But it was the best thing I could have done.

I do not agree with porn but I think you need to think rationally about this, sleep on it if you can. Please do not end it over this alone I would have expected mags like this in that scenario but I understand how his replies seem thoughtless by text.

I do wonder how much more there is to this all. Could you have some counselling? I also had counselling whilst on ADs it was so helpful to unpack all my struggles and feelings.

A lot of us on here are genuinely worried for you here. My kids are 17 months apart and are now 4 & 5 years but when they were very young and my ExH left me, I felt extremely depressed and had huge self esteem issues. It's such a difficult time, so I can only imagine how you feel right now but please try not to make big decision whilst feeling like this but try and get some sleep and rest first.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 10-Apr-13 16:58:47

Tootiesfrootsie, my initial reaction was YABVU. Now I suspect you may have got raging PND. Your response is so totally over the top.

This isn't about your OH, it's about how dreadful you feel. Some of your posts sound almost suicidal. I have had MH issues more than once, and I sympathise.

I am trying my best. Trying to get to the end of it but not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Please go to your GP, talk to anyone who might help (friend, mum, hv) and do not do anything hostile to your poor OH. Drop this whole silly business. It's irrelevant. It's just something you've picked on to rationalise your distress. When we're agony we look for reasons, even if they're the wrong reasons. He doesn't deserve this. Neither do you or your DCs. flowers

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 10-Apr-13 16:59:06

Why did he put it off? Was it pure laziness, or did he think you might have and adverse reaction to him masturbating?
I ask this because one of previous posts hinted that you may not have been happy about the whole thing.

You feel how you feel and only you can decide if this is really a last straw or self sabotage.

With the best will in the world OP you are not trying your best because you won't consider any help. You can't deal with depression like this it only drags you deeper.

Take a good look at what you've posted. You are going to end your relationship and are waiting till your children are old enough to die( do you mean suicide when you say that?).

Dying won't make it better, that will make it worse. Your children even if adult will break their hearts tying themselves in knots over what ifs. What if they had been better as a child, at school, as a teenager. When someone so close commits suicide the surviving relatives do blame themselves and while they may learn to live with it a lot of joy gets sucked out of their lives.

They deserve a happier childhood than the one you can currently see for them and they deserve a happier mother. You can provide that for them OP but you can't do it alone, no one could. It is not weakness to accept a hand. Many different ways to do it too and lots of people here who have gone through a similar process. You aren't being judged a poor parent, a poor wife, or a bad person. You are being implored to see something deeper in your life is very wrong and to accept help to fix it.

IWishIWasSheRa Wed 10-Apr-13 17:01:50

Ok op, you admit that you are low and are blowing this out of proportion so it is no longer an issue about whether YABU about the appt. 2 children close together nearly broke me- I went on anti s's when dd2 was 6 months old but looking back I think it was just exhaustion. I had/ have trauma to my vulva and had some corrective surgery for the aesthetics which helped my confidence and regular injections to manage the pain. I understand the impact a bad connection with your lady bits can have on a marriage.
You owe it to yourself and your family to sit in front of the doc and say you are not yourself. Get some tablets until you are mentally strong enough to deal with the root of the issue, sit your husband down and explain that you understand you are being difficult but you are working through it and apologise but request support.
You won't feel like this forever and I'm sure you are generally coping in the circumstances better than you think. Best wishes op

PTphonehome Wed 10-Apr-13 17:06:45

If your so determined to leave him don't blame it on the quick fumble today at the hospital.
He had to give a sample, in a sterile hospital room, he needed a wee help. So what if he could have done it a year ago it's still not splitting up levels.

unebagpipe Wed 10-Apr-13 17:08:00

IMO the OP needs to think of this in context. Her OH hasn't bought porn, downloaded it, or gone to a strip club. He's been given (probably not very hardcore- it's nhs!) laminated budget printouts to attempt to stimulate him. For a medical purpose. Women never have an orgasm on demand. Cut the guy a little slack on this occasion. It's a one-off occurrence and not really a 'pleasurable' one as its to check his sperm mobility/quality.

Yes, he's joked about the laminate sheets- probably trying to make light of the situation. It's hardly string fellows, so I would see this as something he's done for the both of you and notch it up as something to be forgotten.

Motherhood doesn't just have to be endured or survived. It can be enjoyed. Please get some help sad

Wannabestepfordwife Wed 10-Apr-13 17:09:02

Please go see your gp OP you don't have to feel like this it's not fair on you or your dc. Gps are bound by confidentiality so if you are worried about ss then they won't get involved unless your a threat to your dc- your obviously not if you are so concerned about your dc you won't drive upset.

I completely understand why you feel disrespected and that you feel like your dh has put himself first. I can understand why he needed to use porn in that situation but it was unnecessary for him to disregard your feelings by talking about the laminates.

There really isn't the stigma there was about PND one of my friends goes to a PND group and it's really helped her to rationalise her feelings and meeting others in the same boat has been a great support to her.

Step away from the clothes have a hot sweet tea and call your gp

niceguy2 Wed 10-Apr-13 17:11:36

OP, please listen to what the others have said. Go to see your GP and see if you are suffering from PND or anything else.

Because seriously this is a storm in a teacup.

And to be blunt if you think this is 'offence' is worthy of breaking up your family and that your life will be better without him then you are going to be in for a hell of a shock. Being a single parent is no picnic so if that's the way you wish to go then you seriously need a better reason than he had a wank in a hospital to provide a specimen for a test.

cricketballs Wed 10-Apr-13 17:21:53

I've reported this thread as it just seems to be getting delusional in terms of the ops responses

Lilithmoon Wed 10-Apr-13 17:24:42

OP I am really concerned for you. Please seek advice from someone in real life. I hope you are ok.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Wed 10-Apr-13 17:24:57

Good call cricket was considering reporting it myself.

MadamFolly Wed 10-Apr-13 17:39:58

Please go to your GP op, no matter what the feelings on porn your reaction is disproportionate.

Schmoozer Wed 10-Apr-13 18:19:48

I also agree,
Massive overvreaction here,
My dp needed to wank in a clinic around our IVF experiences,
They provided glossies
So what ?
You sound in a bad way,
Your DH is apologising, saying he did for the family, he sounds ok to me in this regard
Please see your gp / health visitor / practice nurse

will19 Wed 10-Apr-13 19:48:54

Part of me hopes this is not true and that a whole family is not in this situation, the other half hopes that it is not just for the controversy.

Either way I have been motivated to reply (hopefully constructively) I think probably there is a bit of overreaction here. Heres my take from the other side of the fence, hopefully it'll bring a little perspective.

Aged 30 (3 years back) the quacks told me I'd got Rheumatoid Arthritis, first drug of choice is methotrexate, so far as I understand it this drug has a similar effect to phlidomide (even from the male side) and that's if you manage to conceive because of the negative impacts on sperm count and morphology. Que lots of painkillers and steroid jabs to try to put off having this drug.

Aged 32 (last year) with no sign of a bump, I had to get checked, first 'production' was at home, (not a great experience) then a manic drive to get the sample to the clinic in time. Result ZERO.

Follow up testing all had to be done in the hospital for freshest possible...

Having to produce on demand is a pretty horrific experience, you get locked in a little (6ftx4ft) white breezeblock cubicle, it's pretty cold and clinical, massively overlit and not at all sexy, you know that on the other side of the little steel door at the back of the cubicle there is a whole array of doctors waiting to check what you produce (you can here them talking for starters) The seats are plastic topped and squeak everytime you move (and for production you'll be needing rapid movements) so try not to make the seat squeak (at the same time you can hear the seat from two cubicles down going hell for leather) Then there's the time issue, more than 20 mins and you get chucked out so as not to hold up the queue. but then what? you dont want to get done in 30sec the nurses'll be laughing till home time (in reality they are very kind and do the best to be human and calm you down before you go in) Feeling sexy by now?? nope me neither, It's a medical requirement, it needs to be done so if you want kids (or not have anymore) it takes what it takes!!

For me the first time was the worst, there's enough for ICSI. But worried about a no show on the day or if I had to go onto methotrexate quickly the hospital wanted some 'in the bank' so to speak. Took two visits per week for almost two months till they were happy. Quickly learned that the hospital supplied stuff was rubbish 70's era (just boobs and bums, I assume even the NHS has some moral dilemas with harder porn as well) My wife was not overly impressed with magazines either, however she could see that it was for medical reasons not sexual gratification. Our solution in the end was (tastefull and now deleted) pictures of wife on netbook. (Although the time I forgot to turn down the sound before turning off beforehand, meant that I had the windows logon sound playing at full volume in the cubicle, left with a cherry red face that time!)

From the mans side it's pretty horrific. (read the above and apply a little bit of perspective)

Overreacting just a wee bit

Perhaps see GP / talk to a well grounded family member, re post natal depression and the help that's available

If he ever needs another check and you don't want him looking at pictures of other women, perhaps consider last paragraph of above tale of woe??

I really hope that things work out for the better for you, you man and your children's sake.

I also hope that 'above tale of woe and humiliation' has at least given a bit more perspective on the situation, perhaps even put a smile on your face even if just for a moment..


Bowlersarm Wed 10-Apr-13 19:55:59

Good post will. Helps to see it from a male perspective

SmellieWellies Wed 10-Apr-13 20:02:06

Lovely post will. smile

mumofweeboys Wed 10-Apr-13 20:20:31


You seem very low and cant imagine you have had a great sex life with the op and 2 small kiddies. It would leave me feeling very vunerable and finding dh looking at porn probably would upset me - even if I knew it was not a reasonable reaction

Im guessing your dh was trying to make light of the situation by telling you it was laminated.

Have u tried talking to dh or even sending him letter/email about how u r feeling about yourself.

If your worried about gp. How about trying relate instead and working on your relationship together.

I was upset when I found my oh had been looking at porn while I was at work but after a long chat with him I relaxed a bit. He explained he didnt want me any less but that sometimes a guy just want to pleasure himself and porn is quickest way to get the result - like a tool lol.

ShellyBoobs Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:07


megsmouse Wed 10-Apr-13 20:40:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 21:09:06

I don't think you are over reacting and I don't like the idea that a hospital provides porn . I would feel very uncomfortable with it. What if a DH could only provide a sample with hard core or child porn would they provide that. How DH provides the sample should be left to him. He knows you didn't like it and feel bad about your body. BUT I don't think its a LTB I think its a 'I hated it when you did that and its really upset me' can you understand that he may have felt he had no choice and it was part of a medical procedure to him and not cheating? <<<hugs>>>>>> Unpack his bags and let him comfort you when he comes home.

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:16

What if a DH could only provide a sample with hard core or child porn would they provide that.


cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 21:42:50

To myou maybe, but OP feels the same about any porn

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:05

No, it's a ridiculous thing to suggest that a hospital would provide child pornography.

And to try to insinuate that all porn is the same, when clearly it isn't.

PhallicGiraffe Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:09

I think that, if you don't like the porn, you should have personally gone down to the hospital, and 'helped' him wank off.

Fargo86 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:55

What kind of porn do they provide? Just top shelf mags? Or do they have special NHS approved porn?

Would it be ok with the OP if it was just a lads mag with no nudity?

Bowlersarm Wed 10-Apr-13 21:49:50

Cjel you are trying to throw fuel on the fire with references to child pornography. This isn't the case and you are distorting it

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:00

I and OP am against any porn and our reaction to it is the same as yours to child porn, that is exactly why we find it offensive to suggest a hospital will offer any porn. I am not insinuating just getting my message across how OP and I feel about any porn.

WorriedMummy73 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:52:27

Seriously Cjel? You are implying that consenting adult porn is the same as child rape? You're sick in the head if you believe that. Oh, and the OP said nothing about child pornography so she may not appreciate you dragging her into your belief system, which is pretty twisted.

ubik Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:23

Crikey, DP had a vasectomy and I just let him get on with whatever he had to do. In the scheme of things to worry about it doesn't really make the top thousand.

Fargo86 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:56:17

Cjel comparing porn involving children with porn involving consenting adults is as ridiculous as comparing sex involving children with sex involving consenting adults.

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 21:58:10

Of course adult sex isn't the same as child rape, I am saying that my view of any pornography is the same. I don't think that sex is a spectator sport. I feel it is something for two adults to do in private and not to be belief system is not twisted it is shared by a lot of people not least people who work with rescuing trafficked girls who are used to make porn, It is also almost impossible to tell who is consenting adult and who is abused young woman when being viewed( are they under or over age?). so It is not possible to say glossies are all mature consenting adults.


Do not think the porn/adult porn/child porn/whatever the NHS provide is the issue here.

The issue is the OP's mental health.

unebagpipe Wed 10-Apr-13 22:20:27

Visualise- well said. Jeepers creepers... Not sure how 'child porn' crept in. All very odd.

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 22:26:39

Sorry didn't mean to detract from more serious issue of OP not coping, but I wanted to try and show some posters the reaction that some of us have to any porn.
OP I hope you are feeling a little better and can be kind to yourself and DH when he gets home.xx

will19 Thu 11-Apr-13 00:30:48

Mmmm fargo86, cjel, et al. from someone who's been there (in the cubicle) I refer you to previous post...

'Took two visits per week for almost two months till they were happy. Quickly learned that the hospital supplied stuff was rubbish 70's era (just boobs and bums, I assume even the NHS has some moral dilemas with harder porn as well) '

There's no frickin way on earth the NHS would provide anything remotely off centre, think page3 of the sun or at worst page3 of the dailysport and you'll not be far wrong...

Now I'm old enough to have helped police/fire/ambulance with some pretty shitty stuff (mainly accidents on ice on the A1 and cars/people tumbled into fields, some fatal some not) I can confirm that after a horrific experience that it is easier to deal with a crap situation with laughter, It's just a human coping strategy under adversity. Certainly after my first time in the white box I found it a very degrading process. My coping strategy (after a coffee and 5min to think) was to call my wife and make fun of it. It's the only way to relieve the stress without crying. I would suggest remark about laminated mags was a coping strategy (even if unbeknownst) to get through the humiliating and dehumanizing process of a date with the plastic pot.

To the OP

Again show tolerance for sake of whole family. (OH will also need reassurance after getting the snip, for your families benefit as a whole / having to go through the experience of the 'cubicle')

Talk Talk Talk, to a GP / relate / family / OH it does not matter to who but just talk to someone

cumfy Thu 11-Apr-13 00:42:26

So you told him the porn was a deal breaker and he went ahead used it and admitted to using it ?

Looks like he wants the relationship to end doesn't it ?

SirBoobAlot Thu 11-Apr-13 01:02:22

OP as someone with a long term mental health issue... Please go and see your GP. Get some help. If you're feeling as low as you are saying, it's so easy to take things to heart; DP got his wording wrong in a sentence earlier, saying he'd never put me before [hobby], when obviously he meant the other way around. I burst into tears. Complete over reaction.

I hope since you last posted you have calmed down, reflected, and spoken to someone about how you're feeling. Because you really don't need to feel like this. I was sectioned the year before I was pregnant, and have a diagnosis with a huge stigma attached; I have had nothing but support from professionals.

You don't have to be struggling like this because you are a mother.

Please get some help. Mind are a really good place to start if you don't feel like talking to your GP right now.

holidaysarenice Fri 12-Apr-13 02:29:54

Crikey your poor dh!!
Not only does he have to produce semen in thee most non-sexual environment with a time pressure and people nearby....then he has to listen to you moaning about how upset you are!!

Here's a grip. Next time you could use it to help your husband produce the medical semen.

See how you feel then.

Damash12 Fri 12-Apr-13 08:13:21

I think you're totally overreacting. Your Dh has had a vacesectomy and to check it's "worked" is asked to do the bit. I thought it was the norm to have the books there for this purpose (maybe naive) anyway, he's hardly gonna be in the mood in those circumstances and it's not as though you've caught him downloading hardcore films in the middle of the night or something. Sorry, but I feel a bit sorry for him.

oneluckydad Fri 12-Apr-13 10:08:07

I personally think you are over reacting.

Has anyone asked why you didn't personally 'give him a hand' to produce the sample?

He would of probably preferred it that way too. Would of saved a lot of hassle.

I am not criticising you. I can totally understand after having two young children you may be having a tough time and that you may not be feeling confident about yourself, but the guy is your husband, no doubt loves and fancies you to bits despite your current feelings about yourself.

Overreacting to something so trivial will only chip a way at your relationship, which Im sure you wouldn't want to do.

I find many who criticise men looking at porn dont have the best sex lives with their partner.

Surely them using a bit of fantasy and escapism for relief is better than them seeking physical attention from elsewhere?

VeryObviousBeforeNameChange Fri 12-Apr-13 10:32:52

You need help. You sound totally out of it and need to get a grip. He had a wank over porn - so bloody what! You chucking his clothes out!? The poor bloke must be a bloody saint to put up with such erratic and disproportional behaviour!

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 11:25:14

MNHQ has there been any activity from the OP since she last posted here? It was two days ago now, and her post suggested a concerning mindset, followed by the fact she was going out driving.

Call me a drama llama or whatever, but am now a bit worried.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 12-Apr-13 11:33:49

I've just skimmed this thread and cannot believe this comment

What if a DH could only provide a sample with hard core or child porn would they provide that

Seriously FFS.

If anyone knew of someone needing to wank off to child porn then they'd be reporting them to the police not providing them with material to do it FFS.

cjel Fri 12-Apr-13 11:42:09

If you had done more than skimmed you would also have seen that my point was that whether the it is children or child trafficked underage girls made to look like women my disgust about porn is the same. I don't know how it can be proven that the people in any porn are willing. and find it wrong that the NHS are giving out any porn. I know that people think that there is 'good' porn between consenting adults but I am not convinced. That statement was to provoke that reaction of horror as that is what I feel about any porn.

squoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 11:44:24

So you feel equal horror towards child porn and legal porn? Wow.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 12-Apr-13 11:46:35

I don't think the recent additions to this thread will be helping the OP, who has already been told that she is being unreasonable, has shown that she is not thinking straight and has been advised (and pleaded with) to get help from her GP or a mental health professional.

Comparing porn to child porn is not helping her, and is far too stupid to need to be debated.

niceguy2 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:48:38

I don't know how it can be proven that the people in any porn are willing.

Don't be daft. Of course you can. If two adults are paid and sign a contract to say they will produce a porn film then they are consenting and willing to do it.

Now you may claim that the woman only does it because of the money and that she isn't happy doing it. True but then plenty of us do jobs we don't like but it doesn't mean we are not 'willing'

oneluckydad Fri 12-Apr-13 11:52:21

Of course there are women exploited in the creation of pornography, much like any industry.

Clothing sold on the high street has been made in sweatshops, child labour used in the manufacturer of iPhones.

With every industry there are dark sides that are terrible, and action should be taken to remove those at risk.

It is entirely possible for pornography to be used in a sensible and responsible manner.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:55:43

Are you kidding? The guy needed some stimulation for goodness sake he didn't have an affair! I think your feeling really sensitive about your issues and it feels like he has betrayed you because your not thinking clearly, I certainly wouldn't expect him to apologise he hasn't done anything wrong! They needed a sample maybe an alternative might have been if you had got babysitters and went with him and wanked him off but oh dear I think is rather he got on with it himself. I feel a bit sorry for him to be honest I mean it's all a bit clinical probably not the sexiest time he's had and in sure he'd rather it was with you. You have given birth to 2 babies and it is totally understandable that your body feels wrecked at the moment but it will get better and you will get your sexual relationship back. But I really feel your giving the poor guy a hard time are there other problems you can't back his clothes up for just this! Please find a way of laughing it off together I know if it was my husband he'd be mortified he'd have to do it in Ann empty room with porn mags at a hospital for those purposes we would laugh a lot and then I'd ask him what pictures he'd liked and the. I'd laugh at him more. Please don't upset yourself further this man loves you.

MooMooSkit Fri 12-Apr-13 11:58:39

Some of these posts have been bizarre! I must be weird to fargo as i reguarly will get myself off thinking of my partner (I think he is extremly sexy as he does me!) Don't get me wrong, I think Tom Hardy is a very attractive man but I'd still choose to think of my OH, think your a bit weird for dismissing women that choose to think of their own partners to get off "strange" hmm

I'm not sure what I think about this, I think YABU for throwing him out 100% but at the same time you did make it clear you wasn't happy, I have no issues with porn myself even though my partner doesn't watch it but he does have plenty of videos on his phone of me he watches if we are apart but then I'm guessing that wouldn't of been an option for you as you sound so down about yourself?

I agree, you do need to go and see a GP because it's not normal to be wishing life away like you are, your partner disrespected your wishes and that's not on, but without him knowing how bad you are feeling, how is he meant to help?

sweetiepie1979 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:17:38

That statement was to provoke that reaction of horror as that is what I feel about any porn.

Bit selfish we are here to support OP. she doesn't need shocked into anything. Nor do the rest of us. If you haven't got anything to say that get help the OP go forward, find another thread for your bizarre link between All porn.

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 13:05:01

Can we all stop having a go at the OP now? She's shown she's not in a good place mentally, and some of these replies really will not help.

chris481 Fri 12-Apr-13 13:49:54

He never had the option to lie. I knew what he was going to do. I objected. He ignored.

Maybe he doesn't share your view on porn. He doesn't have to do what you want. Many people have barking views on a range of subjects, their spouses probably should not adjust behaviour to accommodate such views. A porn magazine is sufficiently mainstream in our culture that an NHS wanking room feels able to provide it. You view of porn is (quite literally) eccentric.

I would like to hear honest experiences of the men who had to do it alone in a hospital cupboard/toilet/cubicle. I think most would need some visual stimulation.

I have done it. The magazines weren't essential. However if DW had expected me to heed her opinion about using them I would have thought she was controlling, crazy or arrogant, depending on the exact reasons for her expectation.

For me the most joy-killing part of the whole exercise was a receptacle of considerably smaller diameter than (any adult) penis, making the procedure really difficult, as you had to hold the receptacle pressed against the tip with the wanking hand. The difficulty that created was a negative factor several times as large as the magazine was positive.

So you told him the porn was a deal breaker and he went ahead used it and admitted to using it ?

Looks like he wants the relationship to end doesn't it ?

Responsibility for ending a relationship rests with the person who does it. Not complying with ultimatums do not mean someone wants to end a relationship, it just means they refuse to be bullied. To illustrate with some hyperbole: if I tell my wife it's a "deal-breaker" if she doesn't give me all her money and a blow-job in the middle of the high street, and keep my word when she refuses, she's not the one who's ended the relationship.

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 12-Apr-13 16:11:41

siryonialot completely agree with you I don't understand why people feel the need to kick someone who's so obviously down.

If your reading op really hope your ok and you've found someone to talk to.

Branleuse Fri 12-Apr-13 16:26:19

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:32:41

Wow wow wow there branleuse we are trying to give OP. support now as realise she's a bit unstable. Have you not read the whole thread? Or you have read and just wanted to kick her when she's down! I've reported your post .

Branleuse Fri 12-Apr-13 17:34:58

Ive read a lot of it. I just think of a man about to lose his whole family because he had to do a medical test. I think its the OPs dh that needs support here, and the OP to realise how outrageous and unreasonable shes being.

This is AIBU if you hadnt noticed.

VeryObviousBeforeNameChange Fri 12-Apr-13 17:54:15

Spot on bran.

Bowlersarm Fri 12-Apr-13 18:02:54

I'm with bran in a way. How the hell is the OP's DH supposed to cope with it all. He's been through surgery, a routine procedure after the surgery (wanking to make sure it's worked) maintaining his job, and now his DW is chucking his clothes out with the threat he'll be next. Poor guy.

weaveyourownporn Fri 12-Apr-13 21:15:05

One solution to this, though not much help to OP now, is to DIY.

It felt odd to us for DP to use porn at the (assisted) conception of our DC, so we made some images which would best be described as 'soft' porn. Fun to do and exploitation-free.

Has anybody else done this in similar circumstances? Will read thread back to see...

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 15-Apr-13 12:29:45


And many thanks to all those who contacted us because they're worried about the OP.

As it happens, we have been in touch with tootiesfrootsie, and, although she feels a bit too fragile to post on this thread again, she does want to thank everyone very much for their comments.

SirBoobAlot Mon 15-Apr-13 15:44:05

Glad you've been in touch with her Helen, thank you for the update.

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