To tell DD to get changed?

(44 Posts)
LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 08:11:44

I feel a bit mean.

She's nearly 9. She has a 'unique' sense of style. And usually I let her get on with it.

But this morning she came down with a baggy batwing pale pink t shirt and blue floral leggings. I told her that the top and leggings were lovely but that together they looked a bit like pjs.

So she went up and put on a beautiful top with butterfilies and roses. Same horrible leggings.

I must have made a face because she said, 'what?' when she came down. I explained that again, the top was beautiful but the trousers spoilt it a bit, and why didn't she put on some nice plain trousers, or a skirt.

She's stamped off upstairs now, complaining. And shouting that they DO match, they both have roses on.

I should add that her Aunt (my SIL) spoils her rotten with clothes so very few of the items in her wardrobe are things I woudl choose.

Do I just need to back off? I feel like I'm turning into my mother. But between DS1 only wanting to wear the same pair of ripped jeans and DD looking like a dodgy backing singer from the 80s I feel I need to steer them.

AIBU?

wigglesrock Wed 10-Apr-13 08:16:50

Steer her towards what? Better fashion choices. I wouldn't worry, she's only 8. She's picking what she likes best.

I have 3 daughters - younger than yours. Some days I'm just delighted the 5 year old deigns to wear clothes smile

Sirzy Wed 10-Apr-13 08:18:54

As long as its not massively inappropriate let them wear what they want

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Wed 10-Apr-13 08:20:28

what harm is she doing? You should see what costumes my eight year old wears.

MummyPig24 Wed 10-Apr-13 08:20:32

I'd just let her wear what she likes. As long as it is weather appropriate I don't see the problem.

Alligatorpie Wed 10-Apr-13 08:22:17

I gave up trying influence my strong willed daughter' dress sense when she was 4. I pick my battles.

JambalayaCodfishPie Wed 10-Apr-13 08:24:04

If you're not going anywhere special, I'd just leave her to it. smile

CSIJanner Wed 10-Apr-13 08:26:02

^ What MummyPig said ^

I think YABU does it really natter? If dd wants to wear her lion costume that's fine by me. What will you be like when she's 15 and goes through a goth/punk stage?

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 10-Apr-13 08:36:02

Save the fight for another time when it actually matters, like when you're taking her out for an event. At that point, I'd recommend saying 'Oo, can we pick your outfit together! Let's look at your lovely clothes'.

The rest of the time, let her be 'unique'. It's actually a nice thing.

(Though I feel for you - my daughter's garment of choice is a hot-pink sequinned skirt. I loathe it as much as she loves it.)

ExcuseTypos Wed 10-Apr-13 08:40:01

My dd2 was the same, an "imaginative" dresser. I just let her get on with it. Unless she's underdressed I think it can really affect their confidence if someone is constantly telling a child that their clothes choice isn't good and making them change.

Dd is 19 now, she has a fantastic sense of style, and often gets comments on it. It's part of who she is, so I'm glad I didn't squash it!

floatyflo Wed 10-Apr-13 10:05:35

Wow. My second biscuit in two days hmm

edwardsmum11 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:08:11

Leave her alone... yabu

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 10:13:23

a baggy batwing pale pink t shirt and blue floral leggings

Sounds very much like some of the funkier 18/19 year olds I see every day dress TBH. She'll have years and years and fucking years to wear matchy, stylish, don't-frighten-the-horses things from Jigsaw. If you can't have fun with clothes when you're eight, when can you.

I think you need to think about why this bothers you. Do you think people will judge your parenting abilities, or your stylishness, on the basis of what your 8-year-old wears? Do you think people will be juding her harshly for looking like an 8-year-old and not an adult?

What harm does it do to you or her (in your imagination) if you let her go out of the house in a set of clothes that don't go together very well from an adult perspective?

I don't think you should "steer" her to change from her own taste to yours. That is a way of telling her that she just isn't good enough, that her preferences are less valid and less valuable than yours.

Maybe that's what your mother did, and you now lack confidence to be your own person? If you feel you are "turning into your mother" then that's what I think is at play here. Take a deep breath, recognise that this is about delaing with your own insecurity, and let her wear what she wants.

The only times I think its reasonable to intervene is if the clothes are massively wrong for the weather, or for a limited range of situations like funerals where a certain amount of conformity is probably good to not hurt other people's feelings.

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 10:22:05

It doesn't really bother me most of the time. And yes, my own mother did this to me all the time so I went off and was a shaven headed, tattooed, heavily pierced grunger by the time I was sixteen.

It's just, she's so beautiful. And I do harbour fantasies of taking my beautiful well dressed only daughter out for the day instead of my beautiful-but-interestingly-attired daughter.

Sigh.

CrazyOldCatLady Wed 10-Apr-13 10:23:46

I'd leave her to it and let her develop her own fashion sense. My mother insisted on choosing my clothes till my late teens and it led to nothing but friction and embarrassment, and it took mer most of my twenties to get up the courage to go into a clothes shop on my own!

DeskPlanner Wed 10-Apr-13 10:24:48

YABU. Leave the girl and her "style" alone.

Booyhoo Wed 10-Apr-13 10:30:20

why does it matter whether her clothes match? she is 8. give her the freedom now to experiment and find her own style and you will be in for a far easier ride when she is a teen.

btw. beautiful is a matter of opinion. what might look like a beautiful outfit to you might look hideaous to lots of other people. jsut let her pick her own clothes she wont come to any harm because she doesn't 'match'

Jo2508 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:30:53

My dd (9 this week) is exactly the same. Sometimes her 'outfits' give me a headache or make me want to put on a pair of sunglasses - think stripes, patterns, clashing colours all in one go, but in her mind they 'go' together and she is not embarrassed to go out wearing them, so I have learnt to smile and say 'yes, that looks lovely'...
I actually like the fact that she really doesn't care how she might look to other people - I don't know how much longer that will last, so I think you should enjoy your dd's 'unique' style and take lots of photos to embarrass her when she's older!

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 10:34:00

Oh by the way I am not exactly a paragon of style and grace myself, I am a vision in vest, jeans and trainers hmm.

I woudl just like to live vicariously through my baby girl. She has a wardrobe full of pretty tops and naice trousers and insists on wearing One Direction t-shirts and jeggings <cries>

teaandcakesagoodmummakes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:36:03

My five year old DD has just started dressing herself and inwardly I despair when she shows me her 'outfit' but have learnt to smile and say you look lovely unless we are going out somewhere special as it is just not worth the hassle! We have sorted out clothes together and agreed on 'house clothes' and 'going out' clothes, which helps. She just wants to express herself. The 30 hair clips she seems to wear along with her whole collection of headbands at a time is driving me insane but I just try to laugh it off!! Her fave outfit is sparkly tights, pj short bottoms, a jumper style top and a shocking pink jacket! Honestly just try to chill, I know it's hard, I remember when she was 2 and she wore lovely dresses with frilly socks and sandals, can't imagine she will ever wear frilly socks again < sob > wink

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 10:36:49

And I do harbour fantasies of taking my beautiful well dressed only daughter out for the day instead of my beautiful-but-interestingly-attired daughter.

God, sorry OP but that is a bit sad. I really hope she doesn't pick that up.

Added to which, I'm not sure you even understand what these clothes signify. Go and stand in Topshop Oxford Circus, you'll see dozens of teens wearing this kind of thing. It's just one form of basic young street fashion. You're talking as if she's decided to wear a suit of armour and a tweed jacket or something.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 10-Apr-13 10:39:50

They learn in their own time besides, it is good not to be a sheep when it comes to a sense of self. Let them go with it.

lljkk Wed 10-Apr-13 10:49:29

Some people will think she's all the more beautiful for being unique. smile
Hate to say, sounds like you've definitely acquired your Ma's tastes.

CambridgeBlue Wed 10-Apr-13 10:51:21

I completely sympathise OP as I have similar thoughts about my DD's unique fashion choices which are totally at odds with how I'd like to see her dress, but I also agree with those who are saying let them develop their own sense of style unless it's completely inappropriate for the weather or occasion.

Confidence in how you look is so important for young girls and if they get the feeling even their Mums don't think they're good enough it's not a great start is it?

As I said, I know it's hard to back off so maybe agree that if she chooses her clothes for x occasions (eg seeing friends, parties etc) then you choose (or you pick together) for things that matter more to you such as seeing family or whatever.

elliejjtiny Wed 10-Apr-13 10:55:12

I have 3 DS's. I love buying them naice clothes but they prefer to wear a mismatch of stuff. I've learnt to pick my battles, no odd socks on school photo day (they do the whole class ones with their shoes off), youngest must wear clothes to go out and no wearing each others clothes (DS1 and DS2 seem to prefer each others clothes for some reason but it makes them look daft when they are totally different sizes).

Lara2 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:55:19

Oh dear, if you're this worried now what are you going to be like when she hits teenagerdom? Don't worry, let her get on with it. As other people have said, as long as it's weather and place appropriate. DS2 spent his whole life from age 3 - 4 dressed in his bat costume that I'd made him. He was animal mad and I had to wash it when he was asleep grin.

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 10:56:18

My mum was a bit like this too, by the way. Oddly it was often my dad who came to the rescue, because he commuted into Oxford Street every day and had a slightly better sense of what young people actually wore. So something my mum thought looked outright weird and outlandish my dad could see was my fledgeling attempt at grunge or whatever (dating myself now grin).

edwardsmum11 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:56:23

Just worried you value her looks above all else now.

issypiggle Wed 10-Apr-13 10:58:29

i understand where you're coming from but it's not worth the hassle.

the more you argue with your dd, the more she will want to rebel and the more outrageous the clothes will go. to be honest, as long as she's not going out showing off her bits left right and centre (like i've seen this easter hols), if she wants to wear flowery leggings and bat wing top let her. her friends will tell her if it's stupid and sort her out. life is too short to worry about the clothes.

dd who is 3, has her own desires of what she wants to wear, and i don't argue, she wants the bright colours that all clash, and to be honest unless it's entirely not suitable for pre school/meal out etc i won't change her.

Booyhoo Wed 10-Apr-13 11:07:16

i agree that her friends will keep her 'right' in a what is fashionable right now sense.

my mum was quite a control freak but funnily enough was really laid- back when it came to clothes. there were times were i could see her wince and she was struugling to bite her tongue but she did and always told me i looked lovely (i didn't mostly in the years 9-16 grin). but what did happen was i went out in public in what i thought was a cool outfit only to be ripped to shreds by other teens and so the blue tie-dye leggings went in the bin after the first wear through MY choice rather than having if forced on me by my mum. i think she was pretty clever tbh, it meant the clothes went but she didn't have to be the bad guy.

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 11:17:38

Funny, I'm just thinking back to the clothes choices my mum thought were so awful. I spent 1989-1993 basically wearing the same black pull-on sweater, black jeans and clumpy black trainers. She hated the fact that I never wore any colour and used to go on about how I'd probably go up the aisle on my wedding day in trainers hmm. Bet she'd deny that now!

Anyway, these days I have loads of clothes in all colours and was seriously good at style at one point ten years ago but you know what? I still look damn good in a black sweater, black jeans and black clumpy boots. I wasn't just "making style mistakes" I was actually right, and just needed to refine the shapes a bit. The only times I can think of when people ripped the piss out of me were times when I was wearing things my mum had chosen. confused

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 11:20:53

Oh GOD I'd love it f she'd wear black. Love it.

It's all neon or pink or stripes/spots/splashes.

Or fucking MOshi Monsters.

I absolutely promise I do not ever make a big deal of it. hence posting today because it was the first time I had.

I'll keep my gob shut in future and just inwardly wince at her sartorial shenanigans. Promise.

MadBraLady Wed 10-Apr-13 11:24:42

Maybe her generation's equivalent of all-black is all-neon stripes. grin

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 11:26:44

grin

and also [groan]

DeepRedBetty Wed 10-Apr-13 11:28:26

How much of the problem is SIL's bloody awful clothes buying incontinence? Any faint chance you can take control of that a bit? Because I've got two SILs, one with good taste and the other emphatically not, but have managed by a mixture of tact and outright lying to get the one with no taste to stop buying dtds clothes while still receiving the lovely stuff from the other one.

LizzyMcGuire Wed 10-Apr-13 11:31:01

Tbf that's most of the problem BUT DD loves going clothes shopping with her, SIL loves buying for her, it's a whole big thing that I can't take away from them.

I'll just have to suck it up.

Clary Wed 10-Apr-13 11:31:34

I only have two rules wrt clothes here.

The boys have to wear proper trousers (ie jeans or chinos, not joggers) if we are going out anywhere (shopping, dinner, day out etc).

They all need to wear clean socks and pants every day.

Otherwise it's what you want. DS2 spent most of Sunday (his b/day) in a cricket jumper which was one of his presents. DD won't wear a skirt (except for school) but has now started wearing little denim shorts which reaclly suit her as she is so slim, worn with tights or leggings I think she looks lovely. Yes maybe I like girls wearing pleated skirts and cardis but she doesn't and it's her that's wearing what she's wearing IYSWIM. smile

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 11:36:09

My eldest DD has an interesting eye for clothes. I usually leave her clothes out for her the night before. On occasions I force her to allow her to choose her own outfit, it's bound to be a disaster. If we're going somewhere 'important' I'd ask her to change, and help her pick an outfit, if not I just leave her.
My youngest DD also has an interesting sense of style, but it works for her!

BackforGood Wed 10-Apr-13 11:38:09

Of course YABU.
My dc have to wear uniform to school, and "dress appropriately" if we are going somewhere I feel there is a dress code (so this would be a once a year type event, such as a wedding or a christening).
Other than that it's their bodies, their choice.
I can't believe you are fretting over what sounds like pretty normal clothes, when you've not stated you are going anywhere particularly special today shock

Crinkle77 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:42:06

YAB a bit U. I still remember my mother commenting on what I had on when I used to come down the stairs after getting ready for a night out. She would never say anything nice just make comments about our skirt being a bit short or having too much make up on. Little comments that she probably did not think meant much but they did and have always stuck with me.

ToupOfRegDwight Wed 10-Apr-13 11:47:16

Let her wear what she wants. My mum was forever laying out clothes for me to wear when I was younger. I hated it.

Whenever I'd wear something I wanted to I'd get a look and she'd say "You're wearing that?" Even when I was little. To this day I have low confidence when it comes to clothes.

wigglesrock Wed 10-Apr-13 12:25:28

Afraid that's what the kids are wearing. My eldest is almost 8 and its neon, neon, neon, neon yellow, neon pink and some Moshi Monsters. Sometimes we have neon leggings and shorts with a Moshi Monsters top and some trainers smile

Only difference is I like the bright colours, she looks young, carefree and bright in them. I have no excuses I buy most of her clothes.

I bought her a cheap denim jacket a few weeks ago - she loves it so much she hangs it at the end of her bed!

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