To think my husband has attention deficit disorder

(43 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Tue 09-Apr-13 23:33:20

I'm really worried about my husband but also am finding it really difficult to live with him. I don't mean that in a way that i don't love him but i'm starting to wonder if he has attention deficit disorder (not a problem if he has but need to deal with some issues)

For as long as we have been living together he does things that have driven me mad to be honest, for example i came home one day to the hot water tap left running in the bathroom, it must have been runnung for at least 3 hours. He is always continually leaving the front door open when he comes in and the worst was the other morning i came downstairs to the front door open so it must have been open all night. I went mad at my husband as we have an almost 3 year old and i just thought what would have happened if he had got up in the night while we were sleeping. He also left the side gate wide open the other day so anyone could have walked into our back garden. He doesn't fully turn taps off so they are always trickling so i turn them off and to be honest it's tiring having to feel that i have to check everything myself. He leaves cupboard doors and drawers open.

It is making me start to feel that it is more than simply just forgetting, he puts it down to stress but i'm not so sure. He is diagnosed as dyslexic. The thing is all of these things are making it difficult to live with asi feel i can't relax in my own house and have to keep checking things are secure. I brought this up to my husband in a calm manner and he went mad at me and went funny. I said that i wasn't being funny i meant it in a way to help. He has always said he struggled at school.

Not really sure what else to do as it's a conflicting issue. Obviously i want to be there for him but i don't want my safety or more importantly my childrens safety compromised with the house not being secure.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:43:08

ADD doesn't make people act in the way you describe...

BodaciousTatas Wed 10-Apr-13 03:55:07

My adult brother has ADD, diagnosed at age 12, he does none of the above. He drives his wife insane from time to time in other ways but he is not forgetful.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:02:46

My son has mild ADD and mild dyslexia but not ADHD - he isn't hyperactive, although he can have some hyperactivity traits - particularly verbally, and if he's over-tired he gets more excitable, not less.

He definitely does do all of the kinds of things you describe. He forgets to flush the loo, turn off lights, close the car door, close the fridge, turn off taps etc. It's very typical - for him at least.

These days they tend to have one diagnosis of AD(H)D and the H is in brackets because not everyone has the hyperactivity or the impulsiveness. Often it's merely an attention or concentration issue alone, hence the forgetfulness. Not every AD(H)D person presents in the same way.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:03:20

I don't think he has the symptoms of ADD. Could he be very stressed - how long has it been going on for?

How about writing a checklist that he needs to check every day and tick off stuff that needs doing.

Example:

Doors and windows locked before bed
Appliances switched off
Check taps are turned off

Trouble is, he has to remember to check the list.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:05:49

I think the question to ask is has he been like this his whole life or is it a recent thing? I am no doctor but I am not aware that this can suddenly come on well into adulthood. Unless his mother says he's always been like it (to an excessive degree rather than just 'normal' sloppiness) then I would ask the GP to look for another explanation.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:05:51

This is off topic but I was wondering if someone could confirm if ADD and Dyslexia go hand in hand. is it common to have both?
Thanks

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:08:45

Yes it is very common, but not a given. Dyspraxia is often in the mix as well.

vivizone Wed 10-Apr-13 04:23:30

Thanks The RealFellatio. I am Dyslexic (I was tested at Uni) but have always suspected I have mild ADD as well.

I have also been told I cannot be Dyslexic because I can spell pretty well/read extremely well - but to my understanding, Dyslexia is more than that, right? wide spectrum of issues. I find it difficult to explain it to people when they think it's just a reading/spelling problem.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:30:35

My son reads just fine but his spelling is abysmal and his handwriting is dreadfully slow.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 04:32:37

Although in all honesty I am not sure how, if you spell well and read well you are dyslexic! But I am not an expert by any means.

MooseBeTimeForCoffee Wed 10-Apr-13 04:50:20

My husband is dyslexic and highly intelligent. He was assessed as part of getting assistance for his OU studies. The assessor was surprised at how dyslexic he was but more amazed with his strategies for getting round it.

I don't think my husband has ADD. He pays too much attention if anything.

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 05:19:12

The thing is, there are many crossovers with all these conditions - someone with AD(H)D can also display obsessive traits or attention to detail but only for certain topics/interests, like someone on the autistic spectrum. It's very hard to say someone behaves like this therefore they can't possibly have X but they definitely have Y.

My son can talk for hours at length about on certain niche topics and yet struggle to remember his own date of birth or phone number. He's 13. confused

TheRealFellatio Wed 10-Apr-13 05:24:53

He can also bore you for hours debate philosophy or religion (his current pet topic) in a way that is surprisingly impressive for one so young, but he still cannot remember his times tables beyond the easy ones like 2, 5 and 10. His neural pathways get all muddled and he just can't retain the number strings because he can't picture them as a visual story. The only reason he can recite the easy ones is because he can add them easily and logically as he goes along.

But I am exactly the same. I like to think I could have ocnquered the world if a diagnosis of AD(H)D had existed and medication dispatched forthwith when I was a child! I am typical of an intelligent, dreamy, procrastinating under-achiever, and unfortunately for him, so is my son!

Isityouorme Wed 10-Apr-13 07:40:31

My friends husband does similar things but he is just a lazy selfish twat....

HermioneHatesHoovering Wed 10-Apr-13 07:43:56

As the mother of an ADD and an ADHD son I would say this is not typical behaviour of an AD(H)D sufferer.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 07:47:30

it sounds more like a dementia thing to me , get him to the doctors if its not that then like you say hes a bloke so probably just being a thoughtless lazy twat and knows you are going to run round after him turning things off and locking up .

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 10-Apr-13 07:49:59

What lovely kind responses

Cristiane Wed 10-Apr-13 07:52:23

My ex h has been diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD

He finds it impossible to hold things like pick up times for school in his head. He obsesses about the latest technology or phone or whatever that will improve his 'productivity'. He has left things burning on a stove and gone out. Forgotten to take kids to appointments whilst reminded 3 times in the morning. Finds it hard to hold a job down. Messy. Cannot plan give a few days ahead. Forgets birthdays. Lives for the moment. Takes money and spends what he cannot have because in some future time he believes he can pay it back. He's not malicious just useless.

When I sent him back to be looked after for a while by his parents he said he would do whatever it took to keep our family together. Within 4 months he had left and now he has a new girlfriend. They have been together 2 months and she has decided not to move back to her home country because it is true love hmm

lotsofdogshere Wed 10-Apr-13 07:53:54

He may just not put the emphasis on door/gate safety that you do, which is very irritating, but probably liveable with, especially as you love him. You say he struggled at school, and has a diagnosis of dyslexia. My understanding is that dyslexia is often associated with disorganisation, being forgetful and a bit chaotic. It may be worth you both reading more about dyslexia. If he was diagnosed when at school, it must have been clearly dyslexia, as so many people get into higher education before it's picked up.

Badvoc Wed 10-Apr-13 07:54:59

My dh does this, and does not have ADD.
I think perhaps you do not understand what ADD is op.
I do sympathise....it drives me loopy.
He leaves taps on on.
Doesn't flush the toilet (gross).
Puts empty packets back in the cupboard/fridge.
I could go on....
Has he generally become more forgetful recently?
Or has he always been this way?
It's true that people with dyslexia can struggle to organise their thoughts, but there is stuff you can do to help. (Mother of a severely dyslexic ds)
Check www.lumosity.co.uk for brain training exercises (yes I know but they really work!) and also a very good quality omega oil supplement like vegepa.
If he wants to improve his reading/writing then check out www.engagingeyes.co.uk as 80% of literacy issues are due to tracking visual convergence issues.
Hth x

purrpurr Wed 10-Apr-13 07:56:41

Hate to say this, but is it possible that he is just that lazy that he really doesn't care? One major sign that there is still a deep gender divide in modern times is that an awful lot of adult men have been raised to look to the woman in their life to do the thinking, still. Whether that is assuming that the woman will make sure the house is locked up at night, the freezer has food in it, there's a card and present bought for an upcoming relative's birthday, etc. Everything that could be put under the heading of 'Mind-numbingly boring daily life administration' or, in short form, 'Boring Shit That Is Below The Menz'.

Sorry if this is inappropriate and he's nothing like the above.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 07:57:13

" if its not that then like you say hes a bloke so probably just being a thoughtless lazy twat and knows you are going to run round after him turning things off and locking up ."
Nice sweeping statement there hmm

It does sound like he is preoccupied as he does tasks. Does he have any issues with drifting off in conversations, for example?

My uncle is terrible at conversation. Within a minute or two he is daydreaming and he changes subjects when he hears trigger words. I'm quite blunt with him now, which helps.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 08:01:53

purrpurr, my DH has some issues, which I won't go into on this deeply disrespectful thread, but he is the one who locks up each evening, notices that staple foods are running out and replaces them, etc. That doesn't detract from his issues, but I think it does a huge disservice to men who may have diagnosable difficulties but were raised in an era when diagnosis was not common.

lougle Wed 10-Apr-13 08:03:26

I also think it is very damaging for parents of boys currently diagnosed, to read this sort of attitude about men with difficulties. What hope of a normal life?

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 08:08:24

It might be inattentive type ADD, it may not.

I strongly suspect I may have this, and i often leave cupboard doors open, keys in locks etc and jobs half done.

It may also be stress or depression//

Ledkr Wed 10-Apr-13 08:08:42

My dh does this I describe him as dozy he just isn't switched on.
He isn't a twat he's a lush caring kind and loving dh and dad but he takes ages to get ready, forgets everything, is late for everything, takes she's to respond eg baby cries. Dh hears her. Moves a bit. Stares into space, then eventually goes to her.
I worry about his safety awareness with her because his responses are so slow.
I have a niggle in the back if my mind that he may have asd the reason being that his dad and to some extent his mum have the same traits.
They literally drive me to despair with their procrastinating and standing around motionless. Even my family have noticed it.
No help but sympathy

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 08:52:33

lougle it wasnt a sweeping statement it was a statement ,i forgot to put the word MOST in , MOST blokes are mollycoddled as children by their mums and then by partners when they are older ,so MOST men are thoughtless lazy twats so unless you are one or have one i dont see why it bothered you , i was answering the op ,I wasnt asking for an opinion on what i said smile.

sherazade Wed 10-Apr-13 08:54:37

He is either very absent minded, or lazy.
people with ADD do not behave as you have described.

DigestivesWithCheese Wed 10-Apr-13 09:15:28

I have sympathy with you as my DH is very similar - down to leaving the front door wide open when he leaves for work in the morning & once leaving it open all night. He is not selfish or lazy, he is a lovely generous person and he works very hard.

I think he is definitely so absent minded due to stress, as he runs his own business, takes on too much & is always rushing around trying to be in three places at once. He doesn't remember many conversations that we have and can't even be relied upon to remember to pick up a pint of milk on the way home (he will go back out & get it when he realises, but he will not remember to stop for it even if I have phoned him just before he left work). He leaves a trail of open cupboards and empty packets everywhere that he has been in the kitchen.

I used to find it hard to understand how someone can be so busy that they forget the most simple things and I was often frustrated with him. However, when we had a baby who was in neonatal, I started to behave in exactly the same way - I couldn't concentrate at all and kept drifting off when people were speaking to me, losing my keys, going to the shop & forgetting what I'd gone for etc. My brain just seemed too "full" to take in the everyday things. Once my stress levels had reduced & life was back to normal, my short-term memory came back.

It gave me am insight into just how stressed my DH must be. I know it's not laziness because he forgets things that affect him too & gets really frustrated with himself. He has been taking high strength omega 3 plus for about a month now & I think I've seen a little bit of a difference in him. Although he did dash out of the house this morning shouting "I've got to be somewhere in three minutes, I forgot I'd arranged a meeting"... So maybe not a massive improvement grin.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, maybe there will be some helpful advice soon?

mumofweeboys Wed 10-Apr-13 09:59:03

Hi

Could he be depressed? If this is a recent change in behaviour I would suggest taking him to gp. Friends husband was diagnosed with depression but gp also referred him to mental health team where he was assessed. Turns out he has always had ocd and obsessive thoughts, they taught him ways to deal with them and.cope.

ViviPru Wed 10-Apr-13 10:08:21

Just to add in my 2p worth in support of the other comments. Mr. Pru lives with ADHD, diagnosed in adult life. He is described by his consultant as a textbook case. He does not exhibit any of the behaviour you describe.

WilsonFrickett Wed 10-Apr-13 10:14:32

I think the absolute key issue here is has this just started happening recently or has he always been like this and it didn't bother you so much pre-DCs.

If he's always been like this, yes, perhaps he may have some sort of issue which leads to planning difficulties.

If it's new, is he stressed/depressed or is something else going on - because the kind of diagnosable conditions you're alluding too don't just 'come on', they're always there.

Or indeed he could just not think these things are important and that you will always be there to do the 'picking up' - but then I think you would know that and not be looking for some other explanation?

raspberryroop Wed 10-Apr-13 10:18:43

Text book case does not mean that it is the only presentation and ADHD like asd is a spectrum disorder with many aspects. YES IT can be very tied in with dyslexia which can have some visual aspects ( 80% though is a bonkers and unsubstantiated figure) But it sounds more as if he has working memory problems associated with dyslexia and ADHD.

raspberryroop Wed 10-Apr-13 10:22:12

And as above if recent - probably stress related . If long standing look fora diagnosis either way to a good 1st call

brummiegirl1 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:33:22

Thankyou for all your responses. TBH i think he has always been like this, i have just noticed it more since having our own house as previously we lived with my parents while we saved a house deposit so while i noticed his untidyness and disorganisation, locking up was not down to him.

He was not diagnosed with dyslexia at school it was only a few years ago when he started studying for his cause and they also noticed that he had trouble processing information.

I would never describe my husband as lazy i really don't think he means to do it although i can't help with feeling fed up with it at times either.

During a conversation he appears to drift off or is not listening when i talk to him which is frustrating. He also talks to himself alot and can get quite angry. These episodes always seem to involve work colleagues and things he wished he had said.

brummiegirl1 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:35:11

Sorry forgot to add, i don't know how to help him as he got defensive when i questioned some of his behaviour.

WestieMamma Wed 10-Apr-13 10:38:35

My husband does all of this. I spend half my life following him around closing drawers and doors and turning taps off. He doesn't have ADD but he does have AS.

To everyone saying their children have ADHD and its different, ADHD does manifest differently in adults to in children. My DH is awaiting investigation for it (problems are long term/forever but have only just thought of them as problems IYSWIM?). Forgetfulness is one of his quirks, but far from the only one!

And he wasn't mollycoddled by his mum hmm , he was brought up by a single dad

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Wed 10-Apr-13 10:48:05

I think you've had some unsympathetic responses OP.

My DS has inattentive ADHD and ASD. He does exactly the things you describe. Obviously that doesn't mean your DH has inattentive ADHD but there are shared symptoms.

Not sure what ou do to help though TBH, we've not found anything that has helped our DS yet, apart from routine. You could try sticking notes around the house as reminders but its possible he will stop noticing them very quickly.

I suspect that this thread is in the wrong place. I can't see why it should be in AIBU, it doesn't appear that you're looking for a bun fight.

brummiegirl1 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:49:19

WestieMamma- What is AS?

Beyond the limits- how did your husband start investigations? My husband is the same, problems have always been there but only starting to recognise it as may be something to look into although still sensitive about it.

WestieMamma Wed 10-Apr-13 10:52:11

Asperger's Syndrome.

brummiegirl1 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:59:39

Thanks WestieMamma.

Sorry i probably shouldn't have put it in AIBU, only put it here as when i approached my husband about it he went all defensive and had a go at me, so i suppose i was asking if IBU to think his behaviour may be a symptom of something else.

I asked my husband if the reason he felt funny about what i said was because he thought there maybe some truth in it, he said "probably, yes".

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