To want to kill colleague who says 'reach out' instead of 'contact'

(189 Posts)
Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:00:46

I know I am, but just back from mat leave, the bastard has done a land grab and now I want to kill him, especially when he says crap like this!

ananikifo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:06:00

How do you use reach out instead of contact? YANBU

ananikifo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:06:40

Well a bit U for the killing thing. Not U for being annoyed.

Queenofknickers Tue 09-Apr-13 22:08:32

Couldn't agree more - it is intensely irritating. Don't worry about the land grab - grab back (if you want to!) x

Another fun game is to start a new bit of made up management bollox and see how quickly he starts using it too! My example "we must leave a window open at the back of the house on this project" whilst nodding sagely - twat repeated it within a week.

FrubesOnTheCouch Tue 09-Apr-13 22:08:42

vom

lottiegarbanzo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:09:00

What, he says he's reaching out to so and so today? That's very touchy feely and, I thought, always referred to emotional support.

HollyBerryBush Tue 09-Apr-13 22:11:35

Make a card and play 'bullshit bingo' - fantastic once you get to know all their little quirks

lottiegarbanzo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:11:43

Does he also say sourced instead of bought? What else?

You must indeed respond with greater nonsense, now and then, while responding in brief no-nonsense language the rest of the time.

beachyhead Tue 09-Apr-13 22:12:05

Thanks so much for reaching out to me on this, Beachy....

Normally said in patronising tone by US colleague .....

Like I couldn't work out who to Reach Out To...

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:12:10

He is just saying he is going to contact them, but he is using bollocks corporate speak to make himself look better, or so he thinks!
Ok, so I don't want to kill him, just mortally wound him! ;-)

Wibblypiglikesbananas Tue 09-Apr-13 22:12:19

Brit but in the US and people say it all the time here - frustrates me no end!

HollyBerryBush Tue 09-Apr-13 22:13:38

employees/collegues = resource units

MrsKoala Tue 09-Apr-13 22:16:29

DH works for an american company and gets emails like 'thanks so much for reaching out to me today' after he has sent an email saying he's going to the dentist or something pointless. It's so weird. Sort of implying you really needed their support, when you just said something very ordinary.

lopopo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:16:41

Just tell him you are circling back to him. Try and keep a straight face. Lots of my US colleagues reach out and circle back to me. I just go with it...

Charlesroi Tue 09-Apr-13 22:16:56

Not U at all. Get your ducks in a row and kill the bastard.

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:16:59

Queenofknickers - I am trying to grab back, believe me!
You are on to a good thing! He is already stealing my ideas - i just need to sow the seed of bad ideas and see how long he takes to spout them!

EugenesAxe Tue 09-Apr-13 22:17:51

You see, this is why I naturally fell into SAHMhood. Before babies I could swallow all that corporate wank. Afterwards I just wanted to nut people and I started to have precious little respect for senior managers. Especially those that punctuated their presentations with 'But hey!' or 'Look - [I'm about to completely skirt the issue and pretend I'm not by sounding all serious]'. No-one does serious accents for me anymore, except Captain Barnacles.

When I return to work I will be self employed.

I quote Ghostbusters: 'Well it definitely had arms, because it reached out for me...'

Vicky2011 Tue 09-Apr-13 22:17:56

dreadful American corporate speak...along with "we're in a holding pattern on that" and "let's take that offline"
Ugh.

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:19:24

Charlesroi - yes! Our agendas are aligned! ;-)
Lopopo - we also have a lot of circling back!
Kill the bastards!

Hayleyh34 Tue 09-Apr-13 22:22:07

Do it <gavel>grin

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:24:14

EugenesAxe - that is totally it. Before kids, I could just about cope with it, now I just want to nut people!

EffieTheDuck Tue 09-Apr-13 22:24:33

Kill him. For us.

Wtf does 'we're in a holding pattern' mean?

Hayleyh34 Tue 09-Apr-13 22:26:56

Do it <gavel>grin

OverAndAbove Tue 09-Apr-13 22:27:41

Ooh I do love a bit of corporate speak! Not really come across circling back though; in what context is that used?

MrsKoala Tue 09-Apr-13 22:28:05

i hate offline with a passion. But i actually want to hurt people who say 'moving forward'. i always say 'what!? do you mean from now on?' my boss says 'yes, moving forward can you say x when you answer the phone' and i say 'yes, FROM NOW ON i will say x' and she says 'yes, MOVING FORWARD' ...this can go on for sometime.

EffieTheDuck Tue 09-Apr-13 22:29:15

Is it used to make other people appear thick?

Ok, so don't kill him but do 'drop' tea on him. <not corporate speak>

Hissy Tue 09-Apr-13 22:30:16

Don't think you need planning permission for a patio OP.

Just saying....

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:30:54

I think circling back means I will check this with you, or similar.

Stepissue Tue 09-Apr-13 22:30:56

you lot have 'bio breaks'?????

We have a lot of 'great jarrrrrbbbbb' when we've responded to an email. Love Americans :D

chandellina Tue 09-Apr-13 22:31:06

Yabu for complaining and then saying "land grab," unless you're farmers.

What the jeff is a land grab?

Stepissue Tue 09-Apr-13 22:32:27

Circle back is when one person at a meeting is told to take something offline and reach out to person x then circle back, ie come back to the rest of the group to enlighten them as to what person x contributed.

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:33:46

Can totally see the irony of saying land grab in this context!
Kill me too!

lopopo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:37:33

Over

They reach out and you circle back. They email you and you reply...

I know...

echt Tue 09-Apr-13 22:37:50

Does land grab mean he's nicked some of your work while you were on ML?

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:40:14

Yep. He has totally nicked my work and sucked arse along the way!

Charlesroi Tue 09-Apr-13 22:51:47

Don't think you need planning permission for a patio OP.

And shovels are relatively inexpensive (and untraceable, if purchased with cash)

I really, really hate these self-important, largely useless, wank-speaking bell ends. I once ende up in a team where the boss (although not mine) used to have mini team meetings next to my desk. One day I heard "we have to get our ducks in a row and pick the low-hanging fruit".
I shit you not. I'm afraid I openly chortled.
He was a man who used the carrot and stick method of motivation. Without the carrot. I didn't last long.

Kill.

OverAndAbove Tue 09-Apr-13 22:54:43

Ok, now I get it! And have will use it tomorrow, just o see how it goes down..... Thanks!

I'm asked to "reach out" to my colleagues and it makes me want to scream. I also hate the word "utilise" - I can't think of any circumstance when you couldn't say "use" instead.

Themobstersknife Tue 09-Apr-13 22:58:25

Ok, so am gonna kill. You lot said so! Just need to work out how!

NormaSpoonOeufEggcher Tue 09-Apr-13 23:01:54

I have to go to stand up meetings.

Nombrechanger Tue 09-Apr-13 23:27:46

My NY boss used to call me to "touch base" with me on a daily basis (usually as I was leaving for the day). She was a cunt.

EllenParsons Tue 09-Apr-13 23:36:06

My colleague always says touch base

Startail Tue 09-Apr-13 23:49:18

oh yes moving forward, our chair tends to say 'going forward' and it always makes me squirm. I've never known time go backwards.

Pity because we might have prevented the mess that has caused many long meetings.

skratta Tue 09-Apr-13 23:55:13

I'm guilty of 'reaching out' and 'touching base'. Too long in Connecticut (we are only now moving btw!) has made me speak this way an I realise halfway through and want to kill myself. Maybe no one else cares though, seeing as they are in the USA too and therefore see it as normal? Please?

skratta Tue 09-Apr-13 23:55:45

As on, we are only now moving away...

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 00:26:23

I work for a US firm. Reaching out comes with the territory.

A mnetter previously described reaching out ala Kate Bush in the Wuthering Heights music video. I find it helpful to keep that mental picture in my head.

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 00:27:42

How about when people sign off as "Best". Not Best Wishes, not Best Regards, just Best

What is that? Where does that come from?

Headofthehousehold Wed 10-Apr-13 00:36:42

I work for an American co here in the uk. I regularly reach out and circle back, my boss touches base with me and other associates (we are not employees) to ensure our ducks are in line and that we are working to win win scenarios. We identify low hanging fruit and make deal play books ! People sign off email as BR (best regards) and today I had one WR which was warm regards as the sender wrote it in full in a subsequent email where he obviously had a nano second longer to write the actual words.

HellonHeels Wed 10-Apr-13 00:38:09

I have a colleague who always wants us to "capture" things ie make a note of them. Usually used at a rate of around four or five "captures" per meeting. Makes me have very dark thoughts.

HellonHeels Wed 10-Apr-13 00:41:40

Has anyone encountered "going for top right"? ie the top right hand corner of a results graph.

ilovesooty Wed 10-Apr-13 00:45:12

My new manager says "touch base" too. As well as "good in the hood", "high five", "on fire" ...don't get me started. angry

ilovesooty Wed 10-Apr-13 00:46:42

And you agree a meeting for the next week, step two feet out of his office and receive an outlook diary entry by email that you then have to confirm by email return.

BendyBusBuggy Wed 10-Apr-13 00:50:14

I work for a US company in the UK. I'm a foreigner and pick up things people say. Once I sent my DH an email asking if he had on his radar that our dd had an assembly he had promised to go to that afternoon. He told me to f*ck off.

FacebookWanker Wed 10-Apr-13 06:16:39

I hate, hate, hate people who have to touch base and 'Best'.

We had a guy who used to sprinkle his talk with rubbish such as 'low hanging fruit', 'looking under the bonnet' etc. We used to laugh at him.

tiredemma Wed 10-Apr-13 06:50:33

ha ha ha. I heard a radio interview with some young UK teenage singer from the Home Counties (Conor Maynard I think)- he kept saying that the likes on Neyo and other US R&B stars had 'reached out' to him.

Made it sound like some plea for help in a moment of crisis.

Lizzabadger Wed 10-Apr-13 07:08:11

Our manager doesn't speak to people on the phone. He has 1-2-1 s.

Read "Who moved my Blackberry ".

I have a manager who seems to have swallowed this book. He has me reaching out to line up my ducks from low hanging fruit moving forward.

Best,

Manchestermommy

Manchestermommy? Mummy. See, too many Americanisms .

lappy Wed 10-Apr-13 09:03:26

I have a colleague that likes us to 'link in' with each other on a daily basis. She also does an awful lot of 'facilitating'.

I prefer to speak to people and do stuff.

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 10-Apr-13 09:09:30

I have a colleague who gets things "boxed off" rather than finishing then.

I will box her face off one day. You may read about me in the news angry

Poledra Wed 10-Apr-13 09:17:19

Oh god, I hate this! A good colleague of mine spent a lot of time in the US recently. On his return, he sent out an (otherwise sane and sensible) email detailing a policy change. At the end, he had said if we had any questions, just to reach out to him. I sent him a reply saying was it OK if i just asked him a question instead. He had the grace to be a bit shamefaced about it...

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 09:36:54

OP, you are totally NBU - I could start a thread about corporate wank-speak. It makes me have violent thought every day I spend in my office with all of the pointless, patronising crap already mentioned flying around.
Our head office is in the US and it seems to filter insidiously over from there....

By far the worst is 'moving forwards' (think I started a thread about it in Pendants' Corner once) - no one in our office does anything 'from now on' or 'in future' angry
grin at the poster who said they have never known time go backwards - I am so nicking that (not that it will make any differencesad)

rhinestone Wed 10-Apr-13 09:43:19

Used to work for an international consultancy company - NOT a high caliber famous one, but a mediocre one where everyone nonetheless had delusions of their own wonderfulness!

We had going forward, touching base, low hanging fruit, facilitate etc etc but also -

Let's extend our footprint - do new things / find new clients
Blue skies thinking - having ideas
Fit the envelope - do what our clients ask (always said as if doing what clients ask you to do is an incredibly novel concept)
the 200lb gorilla - any problem that no-one knows how to deal with
engagement - staff doing what they're paid to do
horizon scanning - looking for new clients, opportunities
coaching - asking a subordinate to do something, 'Can you coach Bob to touch base with Dave about horizon scanning for low hanging fruit and facilitating some blue skies thinking re the 200lb gorilla?'

We weren't even American!!

I had several appraisals where I was told I didn't seem engaged with the culture!

MrsLion Wed 10-Apr-13 09:46:20

My workplace is riddled with this nonsense. It's hilarious:

- things don't just 'move forwards' now people ask how projects are 'travelling'

- taking things 'offline'

- 'low hanging fruit' 

- talking 'to' things or concepts instead of about them I.e 'MrsLion would you like to talk to the PR campaign?'

-lots of made up verbs usually from a noun 'leveraging', 'actioning',  'tasking', 'evidencing'

- 'deliverables'

- getting 'face time' ie with a client

Floweryhat Wed 10-Apr-13 09:51:24

Do proposals in your workplace " wash their face"? grin

rhinestone Wed 10-Apr-13 09:53:35

Oh, and I absolutely promise this is true -

We wanted to extend our footprint into growing economies and had 'interest' groups spanning different teams across the company for various countries. One such country was Nigeria where we already had a few clients. I went to one meeting where a Powerpoint presentation and accompanying report on our strategy (which was being emailed around the entire company including the board) was called, "Nigeria Interest Group - Generating Extra Revenue".

I was not popular when I pointed out we really needed to change the title as it was very offensive. (Look at the first letters and I apologise for any offence). Amazingly senior director there didn't think it mattered hmm

Hopasholic Wed 10-Apr-13 09:58:40

I now have this going on in my head:

'Darliiing, reach out! I'll be there, to love and comfort you u u'

Maybe you could sing that to him and sweep your arm in front of you grin

Who sang that then?

HollyBerryBush Wed 10-Apr-13 10:00:10

Have you ever come across this one?

"lets take a sexy walk together across the rubicon" ?

hmm

QuietTiger Wed 10-Apr-13 10:02:09

Ask him if he wants to "Think outside of the box with wild blue sky thinking and then get back to you at the close of play with his creative thought process"... (translates as "tell me your dumb ideas later") wink

Flobbadobs Wed 10-Apr-13 10:03:05

WTF does low hanging fruit mean?
DH does 'blue sky thinking' in his job, usually in the pub on liquid lunches..

QuietTiger Wed 10-Apr-13 10:03:40

OMG Rhinestone - that's appalling!

Fast Wed 10-Apr-13 10:03:54

You should start humming/ singing "Reach out and touch, somebody's hand, make this world a better place..." whenever he says it. That'll learn the twat.

LadyBigtoes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:09:24

Oh... blush I hate corporate wankspeak with a passion but - I do sign off "Best". I like it because it's really quick and non-touchy-feely and appropriate for most clients.

Sorry!

LadyBigtoes Wed 10-Apr-13 10:13:23

btw I'm self-employed and have been for most of my career, the reason being that I couldn't survive office wankspeak and politics - was burned out after 3 years. If someone used the reach out/sourcing/going forward bolleaux with me I would just go "WHAT? WHAT? Oohhhh, you mean buy it, right got you" etc - not to be nasty, just wanted to be clear. Didn't make myself popular.

I now also know people who say "going forward" etc. not just at work but in daily/social life. Aaaarrrrgggghhh!

Startail - "I've never known time go backwards." Love it.

hortensemancini Wed 10-Apr-13 10:15:55

I like 'reach out' and 'circle back'. I'm imagining the whole office doing a Westlife-style bar-stool dance with lots of impassioned air-grabbing.

Haha, I came back from mat leave to find my new boss saying this, and also 'engage with' instead of speak to.

Why why why?????

Themobstersknife Wed 10-Apr-13 10:38:57

I have to say I am guilty of using some of this tosser speak myself! blush
I still want to kill him though!

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 11:23:58

Some of these have left the realms of patronising or pretentious and are just outright nonsense - "low hanging fruit"??? Wtf is that? "Blue skies thinking" - what??

Oh, one other I forgot - our systems dont have functions - they are 'functionalities', dont you know. As in, "the new system has the functionality to produce blah blah". Like "utilise", totally uncessary when "use" will suffice nicely and only extended to make the user sound clever(I suspect).

I need to consider self-employment before someone gets hurt....

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 10-Apr-13 11:24:20

Please tell me you don't box things off.

It gives me actual genuine rage.

slug Wed 10-Apr-13 11:56:24

We used to have American suppliers for one of our major IT systems. Every time they used "reach out" they were met with a barrage of laughter and mockery.

Mandy2003 Wed 10-Apr-13 11:58:16

Oh God yes! Whenever ebay screw up and they have to do an on-site announcement/apology they always say they will reach out to those affected. Aaarghh!!

MrsEricBana Wed 10-Apr-13 12:06:09

Dh does this to me AT HOME (I have to remind him that I'm his wife not one of his team). Grrr

EffieTheDuck Wed 10-Apr-13 12:16:35

Recently, someone said that they would 'touch base' with me and some other shite which I assumed meant pencilling in a date for the diary. Turns out I assumed wrongly because I had no idea wtf he meant.

I'm going to start using mn terms.

"Red rug on that deal".
"Soupy has flagged up".
"Let's opt for the cutted up pear".

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 12:17:46

"reach out to those affected" - like we are destitute survivors of some cataclysmic event and not just.....customers.

I need to get off this thread, it's giving me rage.

EuroShaggleton Wed 10-Apr-13 12:21:58

I work for a US firm. I've heard so much of this I'm immune to it now. I also have to spell things incorrectly to suit them. <cries>

Sleepysocks Wed 10-Apr-13 12:28:42

Also creating 'synergy' - really what does that actually mean? I have no idea despite thinking out of the box.......

Flosshilde Wed 10-Apr-13 12:31:41

I once had a colleague ask me if I had seen an email he had sent me. I responded that it 'had dropped off the bottom of my screen' i.e. I'd had so many emails come in that I'd forgotten about it as it wasn't right in front of me when I opened Outlook.

Colleague thought this was hilarious and decided this was the new management speak for forgetting about something. He then used it at every given opportunity if I was chasing something up. grin

OTOH, my boss is ace, but still gives me the rage when he uses 'going forward'. In the future. In THE FUCKING FUTURE. angry

claraschu Wed 10-Apr-13 12:50:48

I also want to kill people who use "contact" as a verb. IABVU

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 12:55:01

I'd watch that, Flosshide, that's how these things start grin

"going forwards" is so rife in our office it's not limited to meetings, supposedly inspiring speeches,etc and is also used for mundane conversation, eg, "the monthly staff meeting is usually held in room A but, going forwards, will be in room B"

I'm not even joking. If I stated tomorrow that "I usually drink coffee but going forwards am going to drink herbal tea" or some such no-one would bat an eyelid.

<needs to get over this>

Bue Wed 10-Apr-13 13:05:32

People seem to be "reaching out" since last year. It's such an odd one. It always makes me feel like the person on the other end of the "reaching" is troubled or depressed or generally unwell and must be contacted with compassion confused.

Scottishtanguera Wed 10-Apr-13 13:14:30

Also, both "touching base" and "low hanging fruit" seem to have rude connotations...or is that just me?!blush

lottiegarbanzo Wed 10-Apr-13 13:15:31

I hate this stuff but do recognise a couple of terms I might have used... I have done a bit of engaging and facilitating in my time! It's engaging with a generic group though, 'the public', 'the local community', so is referring to engaging their attention or interest, not just talking to one person.

I do quite like 'low hanging fruit' though, because the image conjured made the meaning obvious - picking the stuff that's easy to reach, to make it look as if you're achieving lots quickly, while ignoring the stuff that would take more effort but might be more rewarding, or will be all that's left for later - which is not the case with much of this stuff and, I like fruit.

I do like the idea of introducing baby / mn-related terms instead. Only problem is I'm struggling to think of much except 'my brain is tired'.

LadyBigtoes Wed 10-Apr-13 14:25:29

One I really hate that a friend started using is "silo thinking" which means getting stuff done independently without reference to everyone else, which is a BAD thing of course, because what you should be doing is "sharing best practise" and having a "heads up" i.e. being in constant pointless meetings instead of doing anything useful.

Now I'm freelance and work at home I like to think of myself as a very productive, jargon-free silo.

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick Wed 10-Apr-13 14:38:30

This thread is making me itch. Itchy itchy itchy!!! Reminds me of soooo many bosses of jobs past and their knobby speak (I fear I have picked a couple up along the way but do my utmost not too - bad habits are learned fast!)

- let's touch base
- let's walk and talk
- thinking outside the box (usually said whilst drawing invisible box with fingers)
- there's no i in team!
- to assume is to make an ass out me and you (big vom)
- talking out loud (er...i think you might mean thinking out loud)
- it's a chicken and egg situation (usually in situations where it wasn't a chicken and egg situation)
- you need to put some meat on the bones (when talking about report writing)
- up here for thinking (pointing at head) down there for dancing (pointing to feet)
- Remember: Be Jonny (this one is particularly grating). If you've done time management, this refers to Jonny Wilkinson and the way he focuses his mentai energy on the goal thing before kicking the ball blocking out all other distractions and the huge crowds. Therefore, to be efficient, you need to visualise the task ahead before doing it and cut out all surrounding distractions. shudder
- Oh and finally - do the dirty first. Again, time management for get the crappy job done first rather than hiding it under other paperwork. This one always raised a wry smile.

OP, YADDDDDNBU re management speak / corporate balls (although I would try not to actually kill him wink)

I used to be in the MOD and yes, there was a definite sprinkling of these kinds of terms.

I used to respond by writing stuff in the plainest English I could manage. I always avoided these terms.

I think it would be great to compile a list of useful MN terms to use in revenge grin

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 14:50:36

Stakeholders, constituencies, champions ...

Oh, I'd forgotten about stakeholders, a big buzzword in MOD while I was there. Hated it, kept thinking about vampire slayers grin.

TryingtobelessChunkyChick Wed 10-Apr-13 14:56:13

Perhaps I'm missing something subtle, but I HATE "Upsize". What the hell is wrong with the word "increase"??!!!

YANBU OP. I think I may have utilised a stapler, reached out to his tie, and having Jonny'd the negative intra-office communications and blue skied a solution, I would have actioned stapling it to the desk by this point in time and going forward.

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 10-Apr-13 15:05:13

Oh god "share best practise". Stab stab stabity stab.

What they actually mean is tell everyone about your ace idea so they can all pretend its how they've always done it. Knob heads.

alphablock Wed 10-Apr-13 15:19:53

I used to work with a team in the States and we had a lot of teleconferences to "touch base". We were often asked to reach out or take something offline and quickly learnt (and despised) their lingo, yet they often didn't understand ours (who knew that Americans didn't recognise the abbreviation "etc"?).

We were baffled one day when a colleague confirmed we should table something. We all assumed she meant timetable/schedule/plan, but eventually established she meant we should cancel something. She actually meant shelve! It turned out none of her US colleagues understood what she had meant either, proving the need to use plain English!

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 15:44:04

alpha, lol. "shelve" = park, put on ice, mothball ...

To be fair, I have worked for some UK-based 'global' companies and they use wankspeak as well even when dealing with each other (but not much 'reaching out' which seems the preserve of the Americans). The continental Europeans also pick it up when they use English. It's catching!

MrsLyman Wed 10-Apr-13 15:53:50

YANBU, although corporate wank speak can have a brightside, years ago I was in a rather dull client meeting with my boss at the time and witnessed the following exchange:

My boss: can you give me a heads up on when the roles will become live?

Client: sorry but I'm not currently in a position to give you head.

I nearly died with the effort required not to laugh.

christinarossetti Wed 10-Apr-13 15:56:03

I used to work for a charity, where our manager always called what was essentially writing things on a flip chart one or more of the below...

'blue sky thinking'
'let's suck it and see'
'a quick and dirty exercise'
'parking some ideas'
'chalk and talk'

I left to become freelance.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Wed 10-Apr-13 16:00:21

What the fuck is "chalk and talk"?

christinarossetti Wed 10-Apr-13 16:13:30

It's writing things on a blackboard, except no-one uses them any more and 'interactive white board pen thingy and talk' doesn't have the same ring.

blueshoes Wed 10-Apr-13 16:18:24

MrsLyman, that got me howling with laughter <wipes tears from eyes>

Did the client know what he/she was saying? How did your boss react?

somebloke123 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:18:50

"Show and tell" is one I've come across a few times. I think it means do a presentation but it sounds so primary schoolish.

slug Wed 10-Apr-13 16:19:12

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere

"chalk and talk" Is nothing other than good old fashioned teaching where someone stands up in front of a group and explains something with no other aid than a blackboard (or possibly a whiteboard if they are a bit upmarket)

MrsKoala Wed 10-Apr-13 16:32:38

i once had a manager who used to mix his wankspeak and metaphors up and in meetings would say things like:

'if i can just dive between Koalas legs there for a moment'

'if i just slide in behind Koala'

'straddling koala here...'

WTF. The thing is he was totally oblivious to it and the rest of us had to fake coughing fits to hide the laughter. He would put ads in the national press without letting anyone see or proof read with some really ill advised wording.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 10-Apr-13 16:42:27

We should make one up. All start using it in our workplaces with our best serious face on and see how long it takes to spread round.
I dare you!
grin

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick Wed 10-Apr-13 16:49:43

Ooo I forgot about "let's suck it and see". Mrs Lyman imagine how that one would have gone down with the client grin

lottiegarbanzo Wed 10-Apr-13 16:55:51

Oh I hate 'suck it and see' and 'so and so has been fingered for this task' as both sound terribly rude!

To 'table' something OTOH is old-fashioned civil service-style terminology for taking it to a meeting to discuss, often informally, so you can table a paper that wasn't on the agenda.

alphablock Wed 10-Apr-13 17:24:32

Good point lottie, I have heard table used in that context, but they actually wanted us to put the idea on hold indefinitely, so they had got their furniture muddled up and really did want to shelve rather than table!

Stepissue Wed 10-Apr-13 17:41:06

We also have 'hygiene factors' so:

"You must ensure you include A, B, C" "Well of course, they're just hygiene factors, duh"

noddyholder Wed 10-Apr-13 17:42:28

My friend says it ALL THE TIME when she wants a favour Doesn't make me inclined to oblige at all Sounds so forced.

MrsKoala Wed 10-Apr-13 17:47:40

i must say i even shudder at 'team'. unless your job is footballer or something sport related. I don't work in a 'team' i work in a department. so i hate 'teambuilding' and any version of it.

Low hanging fruit makes me think of testicles. I'm not sure why as I do understand what it means.I also think of monkeys picking the fruit rather than people.

christinarossetti Wed 10-Apr-13 20:06:50

I quite like 'jump the shark' but that's more meeja than corporate.

I have NEVER heard of someone being 'fingered for a task', though find the use of 'tasked' as a verb incredibly irritating.

Vicky2011 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:39:39

coming back to this after a busy day - "we're in a holding pattern" means this isn't going to move forward but I can't be arsed to think of a reason why that won't get me or the company in trouble - think being gently turned down for a job, that sort of thing

Another one that sends me spare is "holistic approach" though I will confess that I do sometimes sign off with...

BR

Themobstersknife Wed 10-Apr-13 20:53:10

Great idea Hecsy. Please, let's make one up! It might go viral! People SO love to spout nonsense! I once said 'cliff event' in relation to a plan where something dramatically dropped at a moment in time - can't remember what! I said it tongue in cheek, having heard it before in a previous company and within the next week, I heard every one of the people at the meeting where I used it, say it themselves, completely seriously! Knobcheeses!

thegraduand Wed 10-Apr-13 20:57:07

I used to make some up for DH, my favourite was "let's throw some balls on the court and see how they bounce"

My pet is turning nouns into verbs, e.g. "to architect" which sounds even worse when used in the past tense, or "to deplane" arrgghhhh

Ha ha!! What shall we make up! I will try and get my class of littleys to learn it too, future generations talking wankspeak!!!

Maybe
'Let's lick the stick' <wait and see>
'Can we waft that one in the wind?' <let an idea settle and see where it goes>

Will think of more!

I think the holding pattern one comes from planes being kept in a holding pattern (ie making circuits away from the runways) when it's really busy at the airport and they can't land, etc.

I live at least 15 miles away from an airport, but the holding patterns are often right overhead.

Glittertwins Wed 10-Apr-13 21:59:29

I have a habit of humming a certain Four Tops song when my boss says to "reach out" to someone. The first time he said it, I did actually ask WTF he was talking about...
DH has been playing the "make up bollocks in a meeting and see how long it takes to be adopted by others" game for quite a while. Some people have wised up to it but he's quite successful with it.

Glittertwins Wed 10-Apr-13 22:01:13

I recommend watching Drop the Dead Donkey for some truly amazing Gus management speak grin

dramaqueen Wed 10-Apr-13 22:06:55

My favourite made up one is "there's no I in TEAM but there is a U in cunt!"

Soopermum1 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:47

don't forget 'cookie cutter approach'

boak

lappy Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:26

"Lets run it up the flag-pole and see who salutes"

MyDarlingClementine Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:52

please explain the low hanging fruit to me?

christinarossetti Wed 10-Apr-13 23:27:08

Easy wins?

MyDarlingClementine Wed 10-Apr-13 23:37:24

Thanks CR.

FridgePervert Wed 10-Apr-13 23:42:24

YADNBU I hate all this wanky bollock speak.
All these pish talkers seem to think 'why say two words when you can say two hundred'
'Dipping in' to ideas??????
'Tapping in' to resources?????
D'you know what, they would be just as well putting a big fucking sign on themselves saying 'I talk bullshit and have actually started to believe my own pish!!!!'

lovetomoan Wed 10-Apr-13 23:48:58

Thank God I don't have to hear more of all that c..p. YANBU

LittleEdie Thu 11-Apr-13 00:02:22

Oh god yes, the use of the word synergy to mean 'saving money'. You just knew they thought they were being really clever with that one.

Surely though if everyone knows what this stuff means then it's just a new language. Lots of professions have their own language. I suppose the difference between this professional language and that of solicitors or doctors or what not is that the 'professional manager' is not always so well educated grin and is doing it to try to sound cleverer than they are.

Then it starts to sound normal and it just starts to grate when it's used by people who are otherwise tosses. That's why you sometimes use it yourself Them.

saffronwblue Thu 11-Apr-13 00:10:35

I work for a US company and and am guilty of reaching out.

My personal bugbear is high level. 'I will do a high level overview' from my boss means 'I will make my PA put together a slide with a diagram on it , depicting a complex project in 10 words or less. Then I will make saffron do all the actual work before claiming credit for it.'

500internalerror Thu 11-Apr-13 00:29:07

Lets lock it down before the end of play.....

FreudiansSlipper Thu 11-Apr-13 00:41:02

I used to work with a a guy who used to say That's it, period! wtf is that meant to mean

BigGlassOfWine Thu 11-Apr-13 01:02:01

Thank you, thank you all! Have just been laughing tears at this thread (particularly the Nigerian one and the "U in cxunt", priceless!!).
Having worked in UK office of US co for 12 years, I am guilty of "reaching out" and lots of the above, but have given my notice to try the SAHM thing, so thoroughly look forward to unlearning all that shite!
During my notice period, I promise to try to seed as many of your fabulous new corporate-speak suggestions into my company as possible, so keep them coming!!

ComposHat Thu 11-Apr-13 01:14:28

Thanks to this thread I now have 'Reach Out I'll be there' by the Four Tops stuck in my head and can't sleep as a result.

I will spend these involuntary waking hours trying to figure out who I am more annoyed by: the op or her boss.

saffronwblue Thu 11-Apr-13 01:16:15

Hope you really enjoy taking your personal brand into the stay at home space! smile

SingingSands Thu 11-Apr-13 01:23:49

Every time I hear "low hanging fruit" it makes me think of testicles.

Just saying.

chocspread Thu 11-Apr-13 01:25:57

Loving this thread. smile

Has anyone mentioned "blue sky thinking"?

BonaDea Thu 11-Apr-13 01:27:32

Yanbu.

I have recently started working in a very different type of corporate environment where this type of management speak bullshit is common. I have even started using it myself confused

TryingtobelessChunkyChick Thu 11-Apr-13 09:19:11

Freudian doesn't 'period' mean full stop in the US? So he's effectively saying, that's the end, all done, finished. Although why he couldn't say, that's it, finished, who knows?

christinarossetti Thu 11-Apr-13 11:51:18

This is quite entertaining if you have a moment or two...

www.theofficelife.com/business-jargon-dictionary-N.html

Callycat Thu 11-Apr-13 12:32:16

My old boss asked us to "take the lead" instead of "do X". I had to take the lead on printing off a note asking people to close the fridge door.

saffronwblue Thu 11-Apr-13 12:39:19

Other ones I hate are 'top of the house' and 'C-suite'.

chicaguapa Thu 11-Apr-13 12:47:02

My favourite made up one is my own which is 'looking out the same window' instead of 'singing from the same hymn sheet'. grin

I've noticed people talking a lot about challenges lately, instead of something being difficult or hard. hmm

ComposHat Thu 11-Apr-13 14:41:19

c-suite? What the hell is that?

FreudiansSlipper Thu 11-Apr-13 15:45:39

Yes i think period does sort of mean that is it but why add period not necessary when he has already stated that's it

The ex has just informed me its your call when making arrangements for ds this weekend

aftermay Thu 11-Apr-13 16:31:17

Soft launch - when something doesn't go to plan and gets delayed so you sneak it in and then pretend that had been the strategy all along. You just wanted to soft launch that project. FFS.

aftermay Thu 11-Apr-13 16:32:02

I'll revert to you. That's another word for circling back.

Themobstersknife Thu 11-Apr-13 16:49:12

Checkers, I LOVE Lick the Stick! Gonna use it tomorrow!

snotsville Thu 11-Apr-13 17:02:00

"On-boarding." That's the most recent one in our office. Drives me MENTAL.

And no, I can't really explain what it means.

FreshLeticia Thu 11-Apr-13 18:10:55

but 'suck it and see' is an old saying, my Nana used it.

No-one has mentioned 'crosscutting themes' or 'grassroots delivery'

We have a senior bloke in another team who likes to row up his ducks. i'm tempted to change it to 'put the milkers in the parlour' as that is a row too and we work in agriculture

lottiegarbanzo Thu 11-Apr-13 18:19:37

Ooh, another one that really irked me is 'what's the takeaway from this'? Or, 'so that's my takeaway today'.

No, not food but an expression of contempt for all the effort you and everybody else had put into preparing that paper /presentation / meeting, based on the view that 'I'm so busy and important I only need to take in one piece of information from this and, if you aren't able to distill everything you know into one nugget of wisdom perfectly suited to my needs, then you're an inefficient, woolly-thinking oaf really aren't you.'

Could be seen as a harmless way of saying 'what are my action points' or 'I really appreciate having learnt x today' but generally used to wrench power from the author / chair / presenter by ignoring what they are trying to convey and achieve, stating that you are terribly clever and incisive for having cut to the real point and identified the teeny, incidental bit of information that you're going to bother to remember.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 11-Apr-13 18:28:16

Oh yes, 'takeaway' is used by the same people who used to 'dip in' to meetings ten years ago, because they were far too important to devote the time necessary to do the work. Or, more often, were not very important but didn't want to dignify your work with their time or full attention yet expected everyone else to pause, sumamrise and focus on the aspect most relevant to them during their fleeting 'dip'.

BonaDea Thu 11-Apr-13 18:43:51

A classic I heard recently was referring to categories of things / people as 'buckets'. The exercise of sorting them or categorising them became 'bucketisation'. Kid you not.

Samnella Thu 11-Apr-13 18:57:19

YANBU.

I work in sales (poor me) and am surrounded by twats who talk about being 'hungry' and other such bollocks.

HazelnutinCaramel Thu 11-Apr-13 19:36:33

DH worked for a company where he had regular progress meetings with his boss. They were called 'dashboard meetings'.

It's just embarrassing.

Tanith Thu 11-Apr-13 19:44:46

I heard a wonderful put-down to a "take-away" twat.

The trainer looked at him for a few moments, then said icily:
"I think that's for you to tell me, don't you think?!l"

Cazza72 Thu 11-Apr-13 20:01:07

Do you work at the same place as me?? I work at what used to be a well known US investment bank then bought by an Asian bank. I thought it was hilarious when I first heard it when I joined and vowed NEVER to say it! It's infectios though - but I've stuck to it so far ... 18 months clean!

Themobstersknife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:06:28

I have never heard bucketisation! But will using it soon!
Cazza - I do work for a bank, but mine has a different heritage from yours! 18 months clean is seriously impressive! Personally, I think I need to go to rehab as I will shamefully admit I said 'reach out' today! Problem is I need to say stuff like that or no-one understands me!

<gets coat>

Themobstersknife Thu 11-Apr-13 20:06:51

But will BE using it soon! Tut!

FreudiansSlipper Thu 11-Apr-13 21:17:15

Glittertwins I have just watched the first episode of Drop the Dead Donkey Gus comes out with some classics. Off to download rest of the series grin

Glittertwins Thu 11-Apr-13 21:38:05

We have the whole lot of DVD, I love it!

Cazza72 Thu 11-Apr-13 22:24:20

Ha! Sometimes it just seems to 'fit' but I find almost any alternative phrase rather than that - I'm stubborn! We don't have buckets -we have pods!

christinarossetti Fri 12-Apr-13 09:10:42

Oh, yes, I had a meeting with someone in a 'pod'.

Looked like a couple of bits of MDF thrown together, but what do I know.

saffronwblue Fri 12-Apr-13 09:19:37

Today I had a meeting where someone said "dimensionalize". They had it written on their slide and all.

Mandy2003 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:21:49

I'd written a list of tasks for someone who is going to job share with me. I thought about putting something to the effect of if you're not sure, ask a manager. And to my horror, I suddenly thought up this "classic" to put at the end of the list:

"There is no ass in ask but there is in assume" Eeek! I've heard the ass in assume bit before but I'm sure the ask bit is new blush

Floweryhat Fri 12-Apr-13 11:48:13

Don't worry Mandy. When you assume, you make an ass of u and me.

Apparently hmm

I think the mn one should be (sorry can't remember who mentioned it)

"Go for the cutter up pear."

A bit like don't reinvent the wheel (an oldie) but implies don't do something yourself when you can spend a bit of money and get it ready prepared for you

Argh cutted up pear

I like it because its instantly recongnisable as an mnism

DrGarnettsEasterMixture Fri 12-Apr-13 12:36:33

I do engage people with projects blush In my defence, it's not just talking to them, it's getting them interested, involved and more likely to do what I want them to do

Reach out is pretty awful, doesn't seem to have got as far as my employer yet. Mercifully.

bequiasweet Fri 12-Apr-13 12:44:01

how about repurposing your colleague, OP.

gail734 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:50:55

YANBU. My DH says "going forward" instead of "in future". Seriously, like, "Going forward I think we should use the green bin bags, instead of the black ones." Something he picked up at work. I mock him every time.

Stepissue Fri 12-Apr-13 15:06:49

yesterday my boss said we needed to get something 'into the dna of the business'

I'm ashamed to say that by 2pm I'd used it myself in another meeting blush grin

IT IS CONTAGIOUS FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've noticed a nee one recentlt but cannot remember it at all!
I'm also wondering whether I say any stupid stuff lie this? Do you actually notice, or are you oblivious, while you smirk at others?

Zone2mum Fri 12-Apr-13 15:29:46

new particular pet hate is using "download" to mean "tell you" as in "I can download about that later" arghhhh
I am a person not a computer

"going forwards" is another bete noir - you mean "in future", you arse

Zone2mum Fri 12-Apr-13 15:30:31

meant to add, YANBU OP

Witco Fri 12-Apr-13 15:35:02

YANBU! I used to work for a global company with its HQ in the USA and the crap like "reach out" used to drive me distraction!

JojoLapin Fri 12-Apr-13 19:35:06

"Thanks for reaching out, let's take it offline, is it vanilla?..." Daily speak in my office but last week I was in meeting where a very irritating guy said "he is not one to follow the elephants". I still don't know what he meant.

It made him sound like a rich version of David Brent. It was weirdly pathetic and fun at the same time... I enjoyed it.

christinarossetti Fri 12-Apr-13 20:21:33

"Is it vanilla?"

As opposed to more elaborate sexual conduct, do you mean?

FacebookWanker Fri 12-Apr-13 22:00:05

I also hate it when people doing a presentation lick their finger and stick it in the air...and all this rubbish about things being on your radar...

littletingoddess Fri 12-Apr-13 22:08:51

YANBU at being annoyed. If someone says 'reach out' I automatically assume that contact may or may not be made. Please 'contact' me, do not reach out. FacebookWanker I would be tempted to ask your person their weather predictions, and make sure to get vairy technical regarding wind speed, direction, atmospheric pressure... after all, that's what they're doing by licking their finger and sticking it in the air, eh? grin

SinisterBuggyMonth Fri 12-Apr-13 23:38:18

"park that idea" is one I hear all the time, meaning "its a shit idea, we're not going to do anything with it, but print it out anyway" I get a mental image of ideas stacked up in a car park.

Also I work with designers who are always saying then want to make something looks "sexier" like they are going to put high heels and lipstick on and ad for guttering.

Cazza72 Sat 13-Apr-13 07:40:36

Oh ... And in said pods there are pod captains!! Fucking funny! All I have running through my head is 'Thunderbirds are go ...' I actually did laugh out loud the first time I heard it, but have learnt to just laugh on the inside now as everyone else seems to take it deadly seriously.

saffronwblue Sat 13-Apr-13 08:09:30

This may out me. My employer is spending millions moving us all into a brand new building where we will be seated in tight rows like battery hens and reception will have the right to refuse us access to the "client side" if we are not smartly enough dressed.
The poor people organising the details of the ghastly move, the PAs and other admin people, have to wear Tshirts on Fridays proclaiming them to be Move Champions.

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