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to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

(191 Posts)
Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:17:42

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 09-Apr-13 18:20:20

Erm... I have never been too or hosted a sleepover with a bedtime.

It's par for the course that kids will be tired the day after, and go to bed earlier. They stay up all night watching films and (hopefully quietly) talking.

I should think your friend us utterly baffled by your message.

Nerfmother Tue 09-Apr-13 18:20:26

Yabu. Pajamaed and fed by nine, but totallly unrealistic beyond that. Sorry.

yaimee Tue 09-Apr-13 18:20:36

I don't think they should have been unsupervised but I think that at a sleepover it's pretty normal to have a late bedtime!

titchy Tue 09-Apr-13 18:20:55

I assume he's your eldest! Midnight for a sleepover is pretty much par for the course tbh. Even if they'd been in bed they'd have been chatting messing about for hours anyway.

Hulababy Tue 09-Apr-13 18:21:22

Not ideal, but it's a sleepover. Even if sent to bed often on sleepovers the children are awake til all hours.

I tend to be quite mean and put my best teacher voice on once it gets into double figures. More so when it is friends very well known to us and I know things are happening the next day.
Some of dd's friend's parents are more lenient. If it is just a one off treat, not a regular thing, and it is in the holidays I would let ot be. I never plan much for the day after a proper sleepover!

You messaged her to let her know of the impact? shock

Be glad they didn't pull an all night movie marathon.

Flobbadobs Tue 09-Apr-13 18:21:51

In bed at a sleepover? Since when??

yaimee Tue 09-Apr-13 18:22:52

You've messages her? How rude. I wouldn't worry about it happening again, I don't think you'll get another invite!

5Foot5 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:22:54

I think at 10 yo it is not the end of the world to stay up until after midnight just once in a blue moon at school holidays. I would be a bit iffy about them being unsupervised though.

Ihatemytoes Tue 09-Apr-13 18:22:56

Sleepovers aren't about sleeping! YABU.

Euphemia Tue 09-Apr-13 18:23:17

YABU - it's a sleepover! It's the holidays! It's the done thing.

So he's tired for a day - so what? He'll sleep really well tonight.

kinkyfuckery Tue 09-Apr-13 18:23:36

YABU.

Sleepovers are always later bedtimes. If this is a problem for you, don't let your DS have a sleepover when he has an activity planned the next day.

Fleecyslippers Tue 09-Apr-13 18:23:43

This is your PFB yes ?

YABU grin

YABU, it's a sleepover and, despite the name, not much sleeping happens at them!

You'll have fun when your son goes on camps with school/scouts/etc later on, when I was an instructor at one I'd have to do night patrols and would have to tell the kids off at 1/2/3am constantly! They go home very tired after those and it's not because they've been busy on activities grin

kinkyfuckery Tue 09-Apr-13 18:25:12

I would be bothered about them having unsupervised TV access though.

Flobbadobs Tue 09-Apr-13 18:25:29

I don't ever remember actually sleeping at a sleepover. DS went to one at his friends house last week and he reckons it was about 3 am before they slept.. He suffered the consequences the next day but that was his choice and he got an early night the following night.
YABalittleU and need to unclench before you lose him anymore invites.

yellowhousewithareddoor Tue 09-Apr-13 18:25:36

I think you've been quite rude. How lovely of her to have had your son for a sleepover and you are rude back. I hope you said thankyou and apologised.

UC Tue 09-Apr-13 18:25:42

YABU. And silly IMO. If I was her, and I'd got your message, I'd be annoyed. Your son is 10!!! I wouldn't be worried about them being unsupervised either. What could they "get up to" that they couldn't potentially also get up to in the friend's bedroom? If he goes to bed a bit early tonight, he'll be fine tomorrow.

Euphemia Tue 09-Apr-13 18:26:33

So someone took your DS for a sleepover until 4pm today and you've messaged her getting pissy about him being tired?!

You don't need to worry about next time. There won't be one.

YABU

riskit4abiskit Tue 09-Apr-13 18:26:49

YABU - staying up late is the POINT of sleepovers - to feel a bit grown up and rebellious while actually watching films and eating haribo!

Your son might get some stick if the kids find out that his mum complained!

You were rude to message. sorry.

UC Tue 09-Apr-13 18:26:53

Talking of cubs etc. my son went on a cub sleepover and didn't sleep a wink. Not a wink. He was 8. I made him go to bed for a few hours when he got home, he was totally fine. You are over reacting. Sorry.

sherazade Tue 09-Apr-13 18:28:08

I personally think that YANBU and that 1am is way too late for a ten year old to be up on a sleepover but then again I am quite strict and boring

Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:28:54

wow! I must be stricter than I thought I was!
When we have kids here for a sleepover I kind of expect them to have quietened down and be asleep by 11ish.... shock
I was very friendly and of course thanked her, several times!
As for what they could have got up to... well trying to get themselves food / drink from the kitchen / watching unsuitable telly - especially at that time of night, for starters!

sherazade Tue 09-Apr-13 18:29:12

however I think it woud be out of order to text her about the impacts- making mountains out of molehills. I just wouldn't send my child anywhere that I didn't feel totally comfortable about.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:04

YABU - kids hardly ever sleep at a sleep over.

It supposed to be fun and chaotic, you're being a bit precious.

sherazade Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:06

dotty I would have thought 11 was quite reasonable

LouiseSmith Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:25

I think YABU, Kids stay up late at sleep overs, its a rite of passage. I agree with yaimee!

Kids will be kids, if you didn't want him to stay up late you should have either hosted the sleepover at your house, where you could keep a better eye on them or declined the invite.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:46

Let us know what she replies !!

PatriciaHolm Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:54

I think my 8 year old finally got to sleep at about 11.45 on her last sleepover!

So what if he's tired today? He's had a great time, it's not affecting school, he'll bounce back tomorrow. I wouldn't be surprised if there are no more sleepover invites from that parent if you really did bother to text telling her he was tired.

Dominodonkey Tue 09-Apr-13 18:31:15

YABU, precious and a bit strange tbh. The unsupervised bit might concern me if they had access to inappropriate tv etc but the odd late night doesn't hurt.

He is asleep on the sofa now? I really don't see the problem.

kinkyfuckery Tue 09-Apr-13 18:31:21

When we have kids here for a sleepover I kind of expect them to have quietened down and be asleep by 11ish....

Yet you were displeased that they were still watching football at 10?

Coconutty Tue 09-Apr-13 18:32:08

You have to expect to pick up a tired child after a sleepover, that's the whole point of them sleeping over - loads of chatting, watching movies and not sleeping.

And 4pm really? I usually get rid of them by 11am.

Bet your friend loved getting the text to let her know about the impact.

MintyyAeroEgg Tue 09-Apr-13 18:32:40

Yanbu ... this is one of the reasons why I hate sleepovers. Wipes the dc out for the next day. Very anti-social!

TidyDancer Tue 09-Apr-13 18:32:46

I actually didn't think you were serious!

I would be surprised if they were asleep by midnight, not shocked that they weren't!

And don't worry about getting her not to allow it the next time. There won't be one. And it was really beyond the call of duty for her to keep him til 4.

BruthasTortoise Tue 09-Apr-13 18:33:16

YABU none of my kids have ever been at a sleepover with a bed time and none of them have ever be kept til 4pm the next day. Normally, they are returned home at 10am, a bit grumpy, get progressively more grumpy as the day goes on, have an early night and they're fine the next day. TBH if I received a snotty text re. bedtimes I would make a mental note not to invite that kid again.

Flobbadobs Tue 09-Apr-13 18:34:25

Quiet yes, I do too especially as I have little ones as well but unless they were accessing pay per view porn and raiding the drink cupboard then you really need to give up and fight a bigger battle smile
Let him have an early night, get him up early in the morning and he will feel no worse for it, plus he will have something to look back on with a smile when he was all rebellious and stayed up till the next day!

Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:35:20

I actually suggested picking him up in the morning but she wanted to have him all day for her DS to be able to hang out with so went along with that.
We message on FB all the time and the small conversation about his tiredness has been completely fine smile

jellybeans Tue 09-Apr-13 18:35:55

YABU. My twin 10 year olds recently went to a sleepover and were up till 5 am. They had a whale of a time. They were tired the next day but no big deal. I have hosted many a sleepover also and it is rare for them to sleep before about 3am although my teenagers seem to go to sleep earlier now they are older! Let them have a bit of fun! As long as they are doing nothing dangerous!

sparkle12mar08 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:36:40

My son is younger, at 7yo, but I'd be cross at the 1am thing too tbh. I'd also be unhappy with midnight because I know what it would do to his behaviour, but I perfectly accept that it's par for the course with sleep overs and wouldn't say anything about it. But 1am? C'mon, that's just too late for children. And they are still children at 10yo.

CoffeeShoppe Tue 09-Apr-13 18:38:44

Did you text her? Please say no. You'll look a complete loon!

Grumpy children are par for the course after a sleepover, you need to get used to that.

Gorjuss Tue 09-Apr-13 18:39:24

I don't mind when they go to sleep as long as they aren't being noisy and I haven't got them for too long the next day.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 09-Apr-13 18:39:32

YABU except for them being unsupervised. You never know what kids may do, they could have played with matches or had an accident cooking or something. She should of stayed awake.

Mumsyblouse Tue 09-Apr-13 18:41:04

I don't do sleepovers for my primary school age children as I don't like them, but I did at least think you might enjoy a night off. What's the point of staying up so ridiculously late and having horrid grumpy sick feeling children the next day? is there not a happy medium between the usual 8/9pm and 1am? So glad I don't bother now.

Mrsrobertduvall Tue 09-Apr-13 18:41:44

I have just got rid of dd's 2 friends aged 16 who arrived yesterday at 5pm and stayed for 24 hours. They went to sleep at 4am shock

but it was a one off as they know there will be no more sleepovers till after gcses.

At 10 , I would expect them to be quiet at midnight, no getting up, tv, x box.

As the other poster said, I've never been to or hosted a sleepover with a bedtime. I've never even heard of this from my dcs at anyone's house, and I have 5 so quite a few experiences to call on.

We had a sleepover last week which culminated in 12, 9 year olds out on the trampoline at 4am. They finally fell asleep at 6am and were up for food and being collected 12pm. It's only my youngest (6) who sleeps at sleepovers but she still makes it until 2 or 3am. I'd never considered imposing bedtime rules at sleepovers.

lljkk Tue 09-Apr-13 18:44:03

I make mine go to bed, well sort of. 9-11pm depending on age. I make them turn off all big screens & the lights & be quiet enough that I can't hear them from outside the room. I find that sleep naturally follows.

It baffles me why every thoughtful parent doesn't do the same as me. And then they express astonishment at how little their darlings slept! confused But so be it. DC have survived several wake-overs. Once you know to expect it then you can plan accordingly (ie, nothing planned at all for the next day). DD was an utter hysterical basketcase after last one until I got her into bed for 3-4 hours.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 09-Apr-13 18:45:29

YABU.

Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:46:57

agree lljkk, it just really hadn't occurred to me that he'd be up that late. He's been on other sleepovers and stayed up till 10.30ish, supervised, so I'd assumed that would be as late as it would get at this age.
Clearly not!

sparkle12mar08 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:47:52

If I were your neighbour TigOldBitties I'd be uttterly furious with you allowing children out to play at 4 fucking AM Are you really that rude and inconsiderate? Really? I'm stunned that people think that 4AM THE NEXT DAY is appropriate for 9 and 10 yo's. It's insane! And no, I wouldn't let my child go to a sleep over at that sort of house, and yes, I'd make sure I'd asked the parent about bedtimes first.

DD's 12th birthday last summer involved a sleepover with 6 (yes, SIX) of her friends coming round for the night. They more or less took over the downstairs. And they are lovely girls in a nice friendship group, so I wasn't worried they'd be messing about.

I think DP and I heard noises until about 1:30 am but I'd bet they were quietly awake longer than that (or at least some of them).

Par for the course.

But I'm not having that many at a sleepover at one time again, oh no!

thegreylady Tue 09-Apr-13 18:51:53

Even when mine were teens there had to be quiet by midnight ie no telly or loud music though they could stay up and chat all night if they wanted to.I just threw sleeping bags into the living room and left them to it smile

lljkk Tue 09-Apr-13 18:51:55

If tiredness were all they had to contend with after a wake-over.

DD was shaking with fatigue and nearly hysterical after the wake-over. Coaxing her into bed "not to sleep just for a little rest" was very difficult although at least she was okay after a long nap.

DS was fine until 11:30am when he conked out heavily asleep & could not wake up. Fine except that I hadn't expected a wake-over so he had a friend coming around at 12 noon. We couldn't wake DS up so the friend went to play with someone else (who DS hates). When DS later realised he was utterly furious and never totally forgave his friend. Irrational, but then so is letting kids stay up all night if at all avoidable.

Viviennemary Tue 09-Apr-13 18:53:02

Can't think why they are called sleepovers as there doesn't seem that much sleep goes on. Bedtime I suppose is when they collapse with tiredness. I have asked for a bit of quiet if the noise was too much because I needed sleep even if they didn't.

I would be amazed if I got such a text. And a bit annoyed at your complaining.

CoffeeShoppe Tue 09-Apr-13 18:53:14

Just liken it to an adult who goes to a party, and has a hangover the next day. A good night out. Same for the kids, but without the alcohol. It is part of the fun of going to the sleepover in the first place, staying up late, midnight feasts, giggling and chatting into the small hours.

Tig - I too have had mine all outside on the trampoline albeit at midnight, then back indoors for hot choc and treats.

lljkk Tue 09-Apr-13 18:55:52

yanbu to be cross but I wouldn't think there's anything you can do to prevent it, just try to expect it next time.

DD wants to do a Glamping weekend with Guides in June & I'm dreading it hugely; I am 95% sure already that she will need to take the Monday off school afterwards, she will just be so incredibly shattered. And they DO try to get them to sleep by midnight, even so, I know from previous weekend residentials they are exhausting for her.

Mumsyblouse Tue 09-Apr-13 18:56:13

Do all you people who let their sleepover gang on the trampoline at 4am/midnight live in the middle of nowhere? Our next door neighbours sometimes used to go past 10pm on the trampoline in the summer and I thought that was quite inconsiderate.

digerd Tue 09-Apr-13 18:59:48

I had a few invites to stay overnight at weekends when I was 12 and 13, but we went to bed at the normal time and rode bikes and went for walks. No watching TV in the olden days. Must have been in the summer
One of the friends was the oldest of 5 children - the youngest being a babe in arms.
We were all very well-behaved and obeyed the parents instructions ,as it used to be. Her parents were lovely btw.

ShootingStarsss Tue 09-Apr-13 19:00:02

Er it's a sleep over something that probably doesn't happen every week, I think you Are being very unreasonable I thought sleepovers were about having fun and staying up late.

I'm neither rude or inconsiderate, unlike you overreacting like some fucking harridan. I have excellent relationships with my neighbours. 4 of the children at said sleepover were from neighbours homes, the parents spent the evening having a drink with me before returning home sans the children. My next door neighbours to one side have teenage children who have very loud parties every other week so we give and take a little. We all get on really well and are very accepting of these things. I know on mn, a neighbour making any kind of noise warrants the police but in my street we are much more tolerant. A half hour of laughing from school boys wouldn't be worth getting excited over, the foxes make more noise on a nightly basis.

Also don't worry if a parent with such tedious views as yours intended to bring their child to my sort of fun, warm and friendly house I'd promptly remind them not to bother. I'm sure being such a cheerful person you won't often face such dilemma.

ChoudeBruxelles Tue 09-Apr-13 19:01:00

Ds's last sleepover here all asleep by 10.30 (just one friend staying). Last time he went to a friend's they were asleep by about 11.30.

It's what happens - although I would draw the line at letting them bounce on a trampoline at 4am like the poster up the thread did. That's not very fair on neighbours.

Oh apologies, that was for friendly Sparkle12, I'm sure she knows I'm thinking of her.

Bowlersarm Tue 09-Apr-13 19:09:47

YABabitU. When my children had sleepovers here I would make sure they were all in bed by midnight but once I was asleep I had no idea really whether they were awake all night or not. They are all just about teens now, so they do stay up most of the night when friends are over.

I think if your DS is going to a sleepover, you can't call the shots and dictate what happens at his friends houses regarding bedtime. If you can't accept that he gets little or no sleep you have to start saying no, at least until he's older

littlewhitebag Tue 09-Apr-13 19:14:40

Sleepovers are for staying up late watching films, eating crap and not sleeping much at all! They do survive the odd late night and it is loads of fun or kids. Good luck when you host a sleepover! I have has around 10 kids sleep over at once and they don't really sleep at all.

issypiggle Tue 09-Apr-13 19:15:05

i had a sleepover for my 10th birthday, my dad went out my mum stayed at home and my mates mum came over too, we all had dinner together then they let us (4 of us) have the lounge to ourselves.

no idea what time we went to sleep, we watched films and had a giggle and yes we were tired the next day. thats the point of sleepovers. i know the parents were still partially awake to hear what we were up to, but not once did they worry. they told us once to keep the noise down just so the neighbours weren't kept up but for one night it really isnt an issue.

UC Tue 09-Apr-13 19:16:17

Still a bit perplexed by the supervision thing. Surely a 10 year old would know not to play with matches (as suggested upthread)? I would be more worried about them finding porn on the TV than about them playing with matches.

Sparklingbrook Tue 09-Apr-13 19:18:15

First rule of a sleepover. No sleep. DS2 (11) went to one on Friday, they were up until 4am having a great time.
He came home, and had a sleep in the afternoon. Not a problem.

NynaevesSister Tue 09-Apr-13 19:21:00

YABU for sending your son on a sleepover when he has an activity the next day, for not telling the other mother he had an activity especially as she was keeping him all day, and for expecting two children with the excitement of sleeping in the same house to keep to a bedtime. When I was ten the most exciting part of the sleepover was sneaking food into the bedroom and setting the alarm for midnight. We would then have a midnight feast, read comics under the bed spread, talk in whispers about everything and finally sit on the windowsill to watch the sun come up.

Everything our kids do now is regulated and monitored and here are people condemning this woman for leaving two TEN year olds in the lounge (not house, the lounge) on their own because they might sneak onto the porn channel? Play with matches? They are 9 nearly 10. Presume they are going in to year six and be expected to walk to school on their own? Just how much like imbeciles do you treat your kids that you think a 9 or 10 year old wont know not to play with matches?

VelvetSpoon Tue 09-Apr-13 19:22:12

Whenever we've had sleepovers here, I fully expect that children will still be awake much later than normal, indeed if they were asleep before 1am I'd be quite surprised.

A friend of mine recently had a sleepover for her DD's 11th birthday. 10 girls. At 5am they were still playing Just Dance in the living room....literally no sleep was had!

Corriewatcher Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:19

I think YABU about messaging her about the impact as it's likely to have come across quite rude, but I also think YANBU to want your 10 year old to be in bed and asleep before midnight on a sleepover. My 10 year old DD has started to get invited to quite a few sleepovers (4 in the past term), and it messes up our family weekends when she's too tired to do anything the next day.

It's not like they're teenagers when I might be more relaxed about the bedtime. DD is hosting her second ever sleepover in a couple of weeks, and I've already explained that they can have a takeaway, do some craft, and watch a movie or TV in their pjs with some sweets. But also that I'll be expecting them to be in bed by 10 and to be asleep by 11. I've already mentioned the plan to the mums of both girls invited, and they were really pleased!

BackforGood Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:32

I'm with you Dotty - of course someone should be supervising 9 / 10yr olds... as in 'popping in' and making sure they are settling down sometime after 10.
11 o'clock is a late night for most 9/10yr olds. Why let them get to the state where they just can't cope the next day ? confused

I wouldn't have texted / messaged her "about the impact" - as you say, different parenting styles, but I'd be refusing future invites, and saying why at the time if another invitation did come.

Corriewatcher Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:44

I think YABU about messaging her about the impact as it's likely to have come across quite rude, but I also think YANBU to want your 10 year old to be in bed and asleep before midnight on a sleepover. My 10 year old DD has started to get invited to quite a few sleepovers (4 in the past term), and it messes up our family weekends when she's too tired to do anything the next day.

It's not like they're teenagers when I might be more relaxed about the bedtime. DD is hosting her second ever sleepover in a couple of weeks, and I've already explained that they can have a takeaway, do some craft, and watch a movie or TV in their pjs with some sweets. But also that I'll be expecting them to be in bed by 10 and to be asleep by 11. I've already mentioned the plan to the mums of both girls invited, and they were really pleased!

My daughter's sleepovers are inevitably extremely late nights for all involved.
They all sleep in the snug (a small, cosy room with a giant sofa bed) which is next to the kitchen. This means they can collect popcorn, drinks and sweets as they wish.
There is a TV in there, but I have total trust in my dd that she wouldn't watch anything inappropriate. They usually take a pile of DVDs in anyhow.

I am a little confused with the unsupervised issue. They would be unsupervised in a bedroom, so I can't really see the difference with the living room.
You are worried they may have attempted to get food or drinks, but surely all 10 year olds are more than capable of making a sandwich and are doing this regularly?

I think YABVU, and your email was rude.

stepawayfromthescreen Tue 09-Apr-13 19:38:13

jesus christ!
It's obvious you're new to sleepovers.
When my ten year old has them, they sleep downstairs unsupervised (we sleep upstairs) and stay up all night usually chatting and watching movies. They're always in the holidays and I don't expect any sleeping to happen.
I suggest you ban sleepovers altogether cos it sounds as though you have very very rigid uptight ideas about them

sparkle12mar08 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:42:35

Thankfully for both of us, I have better sorts of friends TigOldBitties grin

Once again I'm astonished that anyone normal thinks that literally no sleep is appropriate for young children... I mean, really?

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Tue 09-Apr-13 19:42:42

YABU the point of a sleep over is that 'rules' are out.....

we regularly host sleepovers here... any excuse! and I'm a CM so the mums know they are safe here.

these are 9 year old girls! I had 12 over for a birthday party once. they played dvds all night long, most of them slept, for at least an hour....

Sparklingbrook Tue 09-Apr-13 19:45:43

I am imagining a sleepover where all the children are tucked up in bed at 8pm. Lights out. smile

Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 19:46:12

Nope, not new to sleepovers, been hosting / sending mine to them for last 2-3 yrs but none have involved them sleeping anywhere other than upstairs, on same floor as parents (who would more than likely wake up if kids were wandering around v. late) and none of which have gone on later than 11pm which is why I was so surprised this time!
But obv I'm in a minority on this one and appreciate you all sharing your views and experiences with me. I'll think more carefully about how / when we let the DC's go to them (given that the consensus is that they will get NO sleep!) and also how we host them so that he's not too much the odd one out amongst his mates. smile

exoticfruits Tue 09-Apr-13 19:48:32

I have always thought of them as 'wake overs' which is why I never liked them!

Molehillmountain Tue 09-Apr-13 19:55:41

Sleepover is the incorrect term. In order to avoid parents like the op complaining afterwards, and citing trades description laws it's always best to invite children for an "over". Sleep might happen.

HootShoot Tue 09-Apr-13 19:56:47

Mine isn't old enough for sleepovers but I do remember staying up all night when I was younger. I fell asleep in the bath after one of them and my dad had to break the door down blush

likesnowflakesinanocean Tue 09-Apr-13 20:00:19

no way would a gang of ten year olds be in bed by half eight! i had 3 sleep here and they were still harrassing me at 3am! its one night yabu i think.

wonderingagain Tue 09-Apr-13 20:00:32

YABU - most girl sleepovers go on til 3am and beyond. Even the young ones. Mind don't, I boss them to sleep at midnight but I think he did well getting down at 1am.

exoticfruits Tue 09-Apr-13 20:00:47

I remember having them as a child-it was impossible to get to sleep.

Bowlersarm Tue 09-Apr-13 20:00:55

OP I don't think you should worry about how you host sleepovers-all kids who go on sleepovers love them in whatever form they take even if you make them go to bed earlier than other parents would , it will still be later than their normal bedtime, and they'll all have fun getting up early etc.

But I don't think you can dictate what goes on at other people's houses.

BackforGood Tue 09-Apr-13 20:03:44

You're certainly not in a minority of 1.
My dc have all had the odd sleepover, and all been to plenty. Amongst their friends, I only know of 1 family who let them stay up after midnight, whilst still in Primary school. Most parents have more sense, IME.

we are hosting a sleepover for DS2 next weekend. there will be 7 x 9 year olds.
there will be a point at about 10pm where I make sure they are in their pj's and suggest they put on a film.
the last one he had, we turned electronic devices off at midnight but they had torches and mischief until about 1.30am

shewhowines Tue 09-Apr-13 20:09:59

After the first few where there was little sleep, I now only agree to regular sleepovers if I extract a promise that they will sleep by 11/12. They know that if they don't settle down by then, I won't be in a hurry to allow the next one. grin -- evil mother that I am.

Coconutty Tue 09-Apr-13 20:15:30

Sleepovers are a PITA but the kids do love them. I just bung them loads of sleeping bags/duvets and bean bags and let them all crash out downstairs. Me and DH go and watch movies in bed.

I learnt early never to plan anything for the next day. Just out of interest if your DCs go on residential school trips, you know they'll be up way past their usual bedtime, right?

nokidshere Tue 09-Apr-13 20:16:37

I insist they are in PJ's and tucked up by 11 but beyond that I leave them to it. If they are sleeping downstairs there is a pin number to stop them watching telly for over 12's and I am normally in my office until the early hours anyway.

Even then they are not normally asleep before about 2am!

We only plan sleepovers when its not going to affect anything else we are doing! My children have fairly early bedtimes normally and even staying up till 11 is enough to write off the next day!

DeskPlanner Tue 09-Apr-13 20:32:38

Another vote for UABVU.

NynaevesSister Tue 09-Apr-13 21:00:58

Sparkle! Nobody is saying that this is normal! It is a sleepover that happens very occasionally. And not on a school night.

We do have one boy who stays overnight at least once a month but that is not a sleepover, too regular for that so they are both on normal weekend routine but with an extra hour up if I don't think they are too tired. Also most are talking around 9 to 13 here, not 3 or 4 year olds!

maddening Tue 09-Apr-13 21:49:25

When I was little and we had sleepovers we tried to stay up as late as poss and it always involved a secret mission to the kitchen - it's not every weekend so one offs are fine imo smile

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 09-Apr-13 22:38:06

TBH I'd be far more concerned about my (just) ten year old watching Casino Royale unsupervised.

I don't care if they don't sleep all night but any DVDs/games brought to our sleepovers are carefully scrutinised.DS is confident enough to pipe up when he's at other sleepovers - though he's savvy enough to blame me (have been told this by other mums)

marquesas Tue 09-Apr-13 22:47:44

OP - why is it a problem that the children might have tried to eat or drink whilst being unsupervised? What kind of danger would that involve?

I'm not a great fan of sleepovers as it does make the next day a write off but I wouldn't complain about it. As some others have said the most concerning element for me would be free access to the TV - was it Sky?

freddiefrog Tue 09-Apr-13 22:55:53

We call them no-sleep-overs

My eldest is 11 and beyond insisting they're in their room and keep the noise down from about 11ish, I go to bed and leave them to it. DD1 only has a tv plugged into a DVD player in her room so I know they're not watching anything dodgy.

They don't get much sleep, if any, but they're the same wherever the no-sleep-over is so I've not annoyed another parent yet.

I've banned then now for the rest of this holiday, the first week DD was either out or we had assorted girls here every night and I've had enough

FOURBOYSUNDER6 Tue 09-Apr-13 23:02:05

Yanbu imp!!!!
Sleepovers should, of course, be fun but there should still be rules/boundaries and close supervision ! Especially at that age ! I would be raging too...... A late night with tv and treats is enough surely ? Who is ruling the roost !!!!!?????
Mine are younger in age but any sleepover so far has been lots of fun but only slightly extended bed time and no wii tv etc after certain time .... Not 'fun police' but 'saving them from themselves' ???? They are kids and need boundaries IMO
I am actually shocked at how little support you have had on this thread .....

pooka Tue 09-Apr-13 23:03:22

DD is 9. I start getting antsy if she has someone over and they're still awake at 11pm. They have by then been in bed since about 10pm.

I absolutely would not be impressed if she was up too much beyond midnight. But I wouldn't expect it really - she only has sleepovers with close friends (and the children of friends IYSWIM) who have similar outlook.

But then she is only 9.

I wouldn't criticise, and if it was a bigger deal, like a birthday party sleepover I'd be a lot more chilled out.

pooka Tue 09-Apr-13 23:05:45

I have been known to lurk in hall waiting for the escape party at 11ish so I can get firm about time to go to sleep. They seem to be obsessed with the idea of midnight feast.

I remember the sleepover my dd1 had for her birthday last year. Her and 4 friends aged 9-11, it was all I could do to get them to actually stay in bed by midnight, had to go in and hush them several times after that. I eventully fell asleep at 3am listening to them still talking quietly!

Then they got up at 7am hmm

Yes, they were very tired the next day, they all looked like zombies when their parents picked them up, it's all par for the course though.

Dd1's already making noises about another one for her birthday this year <drinks wine>

Startail Tue 09-Apr-13 23:11:11

I wish. In my experience they pull all nighters at 10 and get more sensible as they get older. DD2(12) and her friends wake me at 3am and 6 am.

DD1(15) and her bunch have the sense to go to sleep by 2 and not surface until 9 ish.

nailak Tue 09-Apr-13 23:13:30

what might go wrong is they might try and get food from the kitchen? seriously?

my 2, 4 and 6 year olds are capable of getting a snack from the kitchen...

VivaLeBeaver Tue 09-Apr-13 23:14:16

First sleepover dd had when she was 9 I think. I went down several times from midnight onwards suggesting they sleep. A about 3am I read them the riot act and threatened them with been split up and that one would have to sleep in the bathroom, one on the floor in our room, one in the utility, etc. grin

Quiet after that, all up at 7am. They were all pale and shaky by mid morning as they were picked up.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 09-Apr-13 23:15:25

YAB so unreasonable it's not true! That's what happens at 'sleep'overs!

Still18atheart Tue 09-Apr-13 23:16:55

You're supposed to sleep at a sleepover shock

YABU

Thats how sleepovers go tbh, although I do agree that they tend to get more sensible as they get older.

Dd2 is 13 and will stay up all night if she can manage it, but dd1, 15, and her friends will normlly crash by midnight and then stay in bed until lunchtime the following day.

nokidshere Tue 09-Apr-13 23:18:51

To be honest I wouldnt let 10 year olds help themselves in the kitchen at night - especially if they aren't my own children.

My view is somewhat skewed though by a news report a few years back of a 12 year old making a sandwich and the knife slipped, cut his wrist and he bled to death while his parents were asleep upstairs - nuerotic me??

I am much happier leaving them with bowls of popcorn and haribo grin

The trick for the midnight feast is to have supplies at the ready so they don't go wandering and wake the whole house up. DD1 and her friends did, however, consume their own body weights in chocolate, crisps and sweets. It's hard work this not sleeping lark grin

pooka Tue 09-Apr-13 23:27:08

I tend to make them a midnight feats at 10ish that they can gorge on in bed. That worked in satiating their Enid blyton fixation until this year. The ante has been upped! I just figure that by getting them in bed at a reasonable but still late hour, we jog the hour of whispered conversation forwards a bit and so avoid the 2am bit.

I might push the clocks forward next time. smile

pooka Tue 09-Apr-13 23:29:35

Part of it is that I'm not a night owl myself and I tend to want to know that they've settled before I head off to bed.

I'm not sure whether that's helicopter-ish of me, but my reasoning is that they're only 9 (nearly 10) and I'm in loco parents for another child and so should try to be semi conscious when they're here. Or make dh do it. wink

yummumto3girls Tue 09-Apr-13 23:44:33

I hate sleepovers! I am currently sat in bed waiting for DD1 (12) and her friend to finish watching film downstairs and then to go to her bedroom. I dont mind what they do in her room as long as its quiet and they stay in there, I won't sleep until I know downstairs lights are all off and everyone is where they should be! DD2 (age 9) was told enough at 11.30 but they could talk quietly but I think they are asleep. I agree with poster, I personally would not be overly happy that 10 year olds were left downstairs while mum went to bed. Oh and I have 5 of them until late afternoon tomorrow as I said we could all go swimming - I might regret that!

AnyoneforTurps Tue 09-Apr-13 23:51:05

How incredibly rude to text the poor woman and complain, OP. Better to be a parent who let kids stay up too late than someone totally lacking in manners and a sense of proportion.

I feel sorry for your DS - he's not going to have many friends if this is how you treat their parents.

rockinhippy Tue 09-Apr-13 23:55:49

Crikey -.& I thought I was strictshock its a sleep over - you are lucky if they sleep at all - its the rules - so long as they are in bed, usually giggling & sniggering, you've done very well

You were very rude indeed to text the DM to complain - not like they were smoking or having an orgy FGS

80sMum Wed 10-Apr-13 00:00:10

Gosh, I am very surprised at how so many children are allowed to simply do what they like at these "sleep overs." It seems to be sending out the wrong message, that it's acceptable to over indulge in something to excess, to the point where the child feels exhausted and quite possibly ill, and to spend the next day sleeping and recovering.
It's only a short step away from going out and binge drinking, getting a hangover and spending the next day recovering.
I do think it's better if the adults impose sensible boundaries on these occasions.

macdoodle Wed 10-Apr-13 00:02:56

YABU and a loon. My DD and her friends usually don;t sleep at all on a "sleepover". I would be very annoyed if you were rude enough to text me the consequences. And afraid your DS would not be invited back.

macdoodle Wed 10-Apr-13 00:04:05

80smum - brilliant
11yr olds eating popcorn, watching TV and chatting = drug taking, alcoholic delinquents. Excellent jump.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 10-Apr-13 00:05:32

Are you serious 80sMum hmm ?

AnyoneforTurps Wed 10-Apr-13 00:07:27

I wouldn't let 10 year olds have unsupervised TV access late at night but I've yet to find a method that will make excited kids sleep when they want to whisper & giggle for hours. Isn't that part of childhood?

rockinhippy Wed 10-Apr-13 00:11:10

I've just spotted your update smile really happy to see you asking comments on board for your DSs sake

- we don't have sleepovers often, my 10 yr old DD needs her sleep or she gets ill - they ARE a PITA, but now & again, holidays or birthdays, rarely weekends it can't harm - I do make sure they know to be in bed by 10, they can chose a couple of DVDs & I provide a tray of non spill-able drinks & nibbles for the Obligatory midnight feast, but after that, provide they are not running around the house waking everyone up, stay in DDs room bar toilet rips, I check occasionally, feigning seeing if they need anything, whilst making sure any that do look like they are trying to sleep are treat fairly & otherwise pretty much leave them to it, generally they are passed out by 1 at the latest - but always up,earlyconfused

My DD has been to one though, where she came home upset that the DM had barged into her friends room & screamed at them all to "shut up now" at barely 10pm - she's not wanted to go again sad

rockinhippy Wed 10-Apr-13 00:13:58

Taking comments on board - damn you autocorrect

SirBoobAlot Wed 10-Apr-13 00:15:47

Sleepovers are not for sleeping. Those are the well known rules. And at the sleep overs I used to go to, first one to fall asleep would inevitably get covered in make up (or chocolate gateaux at one birthday party...) so staying awake as long as possible was desired.

You were foolish to send him on the night before an activity, and I can't believe you had the nerve to send her a message complaining that he was tired after she'd looked after your son for nearly 24hrs.

What is the worst they will do? Seriously? Maybe eat too much junk food? Not go to sleep until the early hours? Let them go crazy once in a while.

babyinarms Wed 10-Apr-13 00:16:37

yabu...sleep over usually means staying up late and having fun! It is the holidays after all.

sherazade Wed 10-Apr-13 07:45:48

*Gosh, I am very surprised at how so many children are allowed to simply do what they like at these "sleep overs." It seems to be sending out the wrong message, that it's acceptable to over indulge in something to excess, to the point where the child feels exhausted and quite possibly ill, and to spend the next day sleeping and recovering.
It's only a short step away from going out and binge drinking, getting a hangover and spending the next day recovering.
I do think it's better if the adults impose sensible boundaries on these occasions.*

80smum, I think you're spot on with this. Totally agree.

sparkle12mar08 Wed 10-Apr-13 08:07:37

I just cannot believe how many people see it as acceptable for 9/10yo children (and younger ages have been mentioned) to stay up to the point at which they are actually ill the next day. Shaking with exhaustion, feeling sick, unable to rouse them - all terms which have been mentioned on the thread. I just don't get it. Why is it okay to not just permit, but actively encourage your own and other peoples children to do this? I truly don't understand. It's nuts, it's stupid, and in all honesty it makes me question peoples judgement. Staying up late, and sometimes very late is a treat, an indulgence, one that I'm fine with. But to the point of ill health? Are you all nuts? Because either you are or I am, and having read all of the thread, I'm not sure what the hell to think...

cory Wed 10-Apr-13 08:08:08

Can I ask the OP what would be wrong with a couple of 10yos getting themselves food and drink from the kitchen? (you seem to see this as one of the hazards of staying up late).

Unless of course they have been told to leave the food alone by the house owner- in which case they are plenty old enough to do as they're told or face the consequences.

Do please, please tell me that you do not think that 10yos cannot be left unsupervised in a kitchen!!! They are 10, not 4.

Dotty342kids Wed 10-Apr-13 08:18:20

I guess I just feel uncomfortable with children of that age using the kitchen, late at night, with no conscious adult around should they happen to injure themselves in some way (burn on a hot toaster or various other minor things really). Plus, I know I couldn't sleep happily if I knew someone else's child was still awake and wandering about.
The TV was also a concern, they'd planned to watch a film (and I wasn't thrilled about the choice of that either but can't dictate these things!) but it's easy for when the film ends, for the tv to then kick in and at that time of night I think we all know there can be some pretty inapproriate, for 10yr olds, programmes on..
Anyway, thanks to those of you who see it similarly to me - glad I'm not completely on my own in this. And thanks also to this who've opened my eyes to a whole other world of "non sleepovers" grin

ChasingSquirrels Wed 10-Apr-13 08:26:53

There seems to be a difference between how people use the word 'sleepover' and what that means.

To me, a sleepover is a friend over for tea, whatever, then bed - at a slightly, but not significantly, later hour than normal.

However the general use of the term seems to be a late/all night party, which obviously has different rules.

Personally I think my 10yo is too young for late/all night parties, so we don't have them.
Neither has he attended any, due to the fact that none of his friends have had them either.

He has only actually had 1sleepover here, in the Christmas holiday, which was reciprocated at half term, and is having the same boy over tonight.
He has had a couple more at his dads, as part of a birthday treat, since he was 7 or 8.
DS2 (7) had one for his 7th at his dads but hasn't had any here.

exoticfruits Wed 10-Apr-13 08:28:19

Any child of that age is going to be too excited to sleep. You get the same if you take a party away- it takes ages to settle. After the first night they get into a routine. Tire them out first is the answer- a 10 mile hike!

sherazade Wed 10-Apr-13 08:39:45

sprakle i really don't get it either and was starting to wonder whether I am dreadfully unreasonable to think that an all night party for 10 yo's was ridiclous and wrong if it meant they were eating themselves sick and shaky/lethargic the next day. Thank goodness my children won't be doing any all night bingeing and watching unsupervised 2am telly fests sleepovers, apart from at relatives who have the same parenting style as me .

Sparklingbrook Wed 10-Apr-13 08:40:20

I honestly think once in a while it's fine. Especially in the school holidays. I really don't mind. I am glad that he gets invited and is having a great time with his friends.

CoffeeShoppe Wed 10-Apr-13 08:41:07

What would be the point of a sleepover if you had to stick to a routine at bedtime? They may as well stay at home. There is no fun in going to someone elses house and having bedtime rules. Defeats the object IMO.

Yes, we may all be grumpy (parents and children) the following day, but don't ever organise anything to do the next day. It is for lolling around watching tv, playing and snoozing off the night before. As I said upthread, it is just the same as adults who attend a party (minus the alcohol) late night, lots of fun, and knackered the next day. Means a good time was had by all.

Sparklingbrook Wed 10-Apr-13 08:41:51

Exactly Coffee. No biggie.

Fairylea Wed 10-Apr-13 08:45:36

Ha!

My dd had a sleepover for her 9th birthday.
My ds was 6 weeks old at the time and was up every two hours so I figured I wasn't getting any sleep anyway so a room full of 9 year olds chatting all night wouldn't make any difference..I think you have to expect that they won't sleep.

And ... they didn't sleep. At all.

I was up every 2 hours from 9pm till 8am and all that time they were still awake and chatting!

Dd fell asleep on the sofa the following afternoon !

Dotty342kids Wed 10-Apr-13 08:46:10

A sleepover doesn't mean sticking to the normal routine here - my DS (who needs a LOT of sleep) is usually asleep by 8.30 and does not have a telly in his room. So, as far as I was concerned, having a friend over, watching a film in his room, with popcorn and treats until 10ish then being able to chat for a while after that before going to sleep IS completely different from normal routine and is therefore something special.
It hadn't occurred to me that they'd want or expect, at 10, to be able to stay up well past that, downstairs, doing what they want and eating / drinking what they want. At 12/13 yes, but at 10....?

mrsjay Wed 10-Apr-13 08:49:01

just because it says sleepover doesnt mean they actually sleep did you really expect them too I am not being funny with you but the being up and ratty and tired the next day is normal for a sleepover, it is annoying and irritating but that is what happens, he isn't little he is 10 so if you dont want him up late or crabby and urgh the next day dont let him go on sleepovers, I dont think parents set bedtimes for them really,

Dededum Wed 10-Apr-13 08:53:41

Think yourself lucky, my 11 year old (yr 7) attended a sleepover party where they stayed up all night, no one told them to go to sleep, just keep the noise down !!

He lived, fell asleep on our sofa when he got home, took a couple of days to be himself.
Pulled his first all nighter at 11!

sherazade Wed 10-Apr-13 09:00:25

Some descriptions of these all night parties for children are making me shudder.

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 09:01:23

You didn't actually text her did you? Blimey, that was over the top.

ihearsounds Wed 10-Apr-13 09:05:06

You would hate mine then op.
They help themselves to food in the kitchen, so far no toaster related burns. But they know how to operate the toaster. Although they usually raid snacks and make themselves drinks, and don't touch the alcohol.
They have often camped out in my living room for the night. Really what is the big deal?
Unsuitable tv? Erm parental controls. My box has this. I use it. Other channels are blocked by me. So where is the problem?

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 09:06:36

Has anyone ever burned themselves on a toaster?

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 09:08:43

Anyway, it's just different styles. And part of the fun of staying at other people's houses is seeing how different families behave. You prefer asleep before 12. Chat went on till 1am (not much longer really.) Casino Royale not quite suitable but not totally wrong. Just different styles and attitudes but in the same ballpark, I'd say.

sherazade Wed 10-Apr-13 09:16:03

I'd be more concerned about letting children think its ok to do something for momentary pleasure even if it results in being sick (from the all night bingeing) and exhausted/ratty (from the lack of sleep) than possible toaster burns which I don't think are really the issue..I don't think it sets a precedence for sensible decisions in later life when it comes to going out/clubbing etc.

Sparklingbrook Wed 10-Apr-13 09:17:52

I don't think DS2 will be thinking back to 11 year old sleepovers when he's out clubbing sherazade.

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 09:18:59

Are they sick though? 10-year-olds who don't get to sleep till 1am aren't ill the next day. They're tired. I would pack them off earlier myself but I wouldn't be outraged if someone else did something different. And I wouldn't send a text so the hostess was aware of the "impact." It really is sweating the small stuff.

Mutley77 Wed 10-Apr-13 09:21:16

I see where you are coming from - I really whinge to my DH and other friends when DD comes home from a sleepover having not had enough sleep (she is 8). However I do think it is "their house their rules" and if I really didn't like it I wouldn't let her go again.

I never challenge it as I think it is par for the course. It doesn't stop me worrying but I see it as a safe way of letting DD move towards independence and a bit of a chance for me to get used to not having full supervision of her. I laid awake for ages one night imagining a dare gone wrong and her being stuck outside the girl's house while her mum and dad slept unknowing.... I am v irrational at times!!

I think if you are going to let them go it is fine once in a while. My friend won't let her DC do sleepovers and I think that gives the wrong message personally.

mrsjay Wed 10-Apr-13 09:23:15

Has anyone ever burned themselves on a toaster?

erm no unless they stick their fingers in it why would they grin dds have been making toast since they were 7/8 and we have never had toaster related injuries wink

CoffeeShoppe Wed 10-Apr-13 09:40:10

I think this must be the OP's PFB

macdoodle Wed 10-Apr-13 09:46:29

Am arfing at this now. My 11yr old can use a toaster make a sandwich a bowl of cereal make pancakes etc. Binging and watching unsuitable tv Blimey. Popcorn and the hunger games. Must be careful she doesn't morph into a drug addict over night .

Sparklingbrook Wed 10-Apr-13 09:47:59

I just think of all the posts I have read about parents and their Dcs who never get invited to friends/have no friends etc. They would love their Dc to be invited to a sleepover whether it involved sleep or not.

dadofnone Wed 10-Apr-13 09:49:54

You crazy lady!!
When mine were hunger I would let mine go /have the sleepover on a night where we knew nothing much would be happening next day. Of course they don't sleep it's prt of the fun. I let mine take a stash of goodies and some films into the spare room or the middle room and they would have sleeping bags. Next morning would be a hilarious with bodies lay everywhere and where they had attempted to make a den. Sometimes before I would go to bed I would listen to their conversations. Really funny and sweet.
Good days!

macdoodle Wed 10-Apr-13 09:50:32

Maybe its because their parents let a very generous host "know the.consequences" if I got such a text after keeping a sleepover child till 4pm I would think you.ungrateful cow and there would be.no further invites.

Sparklingbrook Wed 10-Apr-13 09:52:25

YY a sleepover til 4pm. shock

I would love 'impact Mum' to start a thread......

dadofnone Wed 10-Apr-13 09:52:30

To follow on from my post, if I had a passive aggressive text from a mum like that I would be saying to my DH that she could get to fuck and don't bothers sending her kid round again after I have given them a fun time!

Some people need to get a grip. I've never had a child ill from staying up, they're just tired. They normally fall asleep in front of the tv, its a bit different to being hungover or on a massive come down.

What do you do on NYE, parties at the house, or special events? Staying up for those is just the same as being up for a sleepover. My children aren't massive sleepers although neither am I, but I think even the sleepiest of children can enjoy a late night or all-nighter every now and again.

They're kids, their primary aims should be to have fun and make it to adulthood. I think theres nothing better than them having a really fun night. They get so much homework nowadays and everything is a lot more regimented, they should have nights where they sneak round and get up to all sorts, thats what being young is about. Also just for the record, my eldest is 21, nearly 22, he is yet to develop a horrendous drug or alcohol problem because I let him have a few wild sleepovers.

fromparistoberlin Wed 10-Apr-13 09:58:18

so what? I mean really, I think you should have let it lie, not been so precious and NOt sent a text to be honest

thebody Wed 10-Apr-13 09:59:33

Agree tig. Op you risk making your son a bit of a laughing stock if you keep this up. If you had messaged me I would have been seriously pissed off after laughing.

Scholes34 Wed 10-Apr-13 10:16:26

No sleepovers allowed if there's something important taking place the next day, where a good night's sleep is needed, such as a football match. DS1 manages a sleepover and getting up for a paper-round at 7.00 am, though he usually retires to his bed for the rest of the morning.

We now accept that sleepovers mean little or no sleep for DCs (12, 14 and 15), but they know that complaining about being tired and being ratty is not acceptable and a sleepover is always followed by an early night the next day - and they never seem to complain about that.

dadofnone Wed 10-Apr-13 10:21:29

Dotty, it's not about letting them eat what they want, watch what they want etc. ok I don't get the carrot sticks and hummus out - I do let them have a few treats. My kids don't have a tv in their room but I do let them sleep in the play room or the middle room as it is an 'adventure', something that doesn't happen everyday of the week or every week for that matter.
Like I said earlier they aren't doing any harm, just talking random shit. And yes, they are often tired the next day but it isn't a life or death thing.
They will remember the fun of the sleepover and forget being tired. A bit like the rest of us when we have had a god night with mates.

Please get your head out of your ass and relax a bit. You are awfully uptight about this.

KellyElly Wed 10-Apr-13 10:33:20

At 10 I would be ok with them still being up chatting at 12 in their bedroom. I wouldn't want them roaming all over the house. For those who say kids are still up at 4am, well call me uptight but that is just too late at that age.

dadofnone Wed 10-Apr-13 10:36:11

I haven't known a 10 year old up at 4am! They normall talk themselves to sleep and I've had years of sleepovers! The most I've had at once is z6 of them. Never again. 3 is enough!

Oh Dotty, take a deep breath!

DH and I are usually VERY uptight but honestly sleepovers are a license to let your hair down!

Mine have free reign to make a den in TV room (sleeping bags, blankets, pillows, teddy bears, princesses….everything on the floor basically) and no "official" bed time.

As said above they have to be dined, showered and within allocated room boundaries by 9pm. we come in for a tickling match and a stern look and then let them be.

Apart from that, its a bit like camping at home. You only sleep with one eye really, there is too much fun to be had in such a short time.trips to the kitchen for popcorn and water OK. usually by 1am they all pass out….only to be awake at the crack of dawn to make the most of it.
Can you blame them?
Well as long as they can go down and get their cereals until the sun actually comes up!

ON DS's last sleepover, they put shaving foam on dd's hand and tickled her nose to see if the pavlov reflex would work. And it did. And everyone had a good laugh. And end of story. all in bed by 7:30 the following night to all the parent's delight.
Sigh….

cheer up!

lljkk Wed 10-Apr-13 10:45:49

I've been physically sick from sleep deprivation, DD too. Maybe just us, but then ours seems to be the only family on MN that suffers jetlag, it's a myth for all others I guess. DC are normally ratty on a good day, I don't need them hysterical & vomiting too.

I go to bed early on NYE! I think it's a completely pointless custom to stay up for it. Hate compulsory holidays.

This thread is good for helping me understand how others tick: I will definitely assume that all Sleepover invites in future are actually WakeOvers and to say No unless DC can afford 2 days out of regular life afterwards.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 10:53:31

yabu my 2 had 6 friends sleepover,i went to bed and left them to it they were still awake when i got up at 7.30 the next morning , but they were all happy and went to bed earlier than normal that night so no major harm done , its a sleep over , its the holidays , sounds like you rule with a rod of iron , bet he loved sleeping out and having fun .

Oblomov Wed 10-Apr-13 10:55:14

Am surprised about how uptight some people are. But there you go.

lljkk Wed 10-Apr-13 11:08:33

I'm surprised how lackadaisical some of you are! Especially on MN where a single slap on a toddler's bottom gets labeled common assault & there are fierce debates over whether a competently swimming 8yo can go without parent into a pool supervised by qualified lifeguards.

But there you are, indeed.

NameThatTuna Wed 10-Apr-13 11:17:40

When I was a kid, I used to go to sleepovers at my best friends house. We used to have midnight feasts and sit a chatter until silly o'clock. It was fun and only happened occasionally. It was never a problem for my parents or her parents.

I recently had DD's (8) friend sleepover, they were too excited to be going to bed by a certain time. They were enjoying it. They only thing I objected to was being woken up by a fashion show at 1.30am hmm grin

I know her parents well, they've had DD to sleep at theirs, they do similar there and they don't have a problem with it.

I would say YANBU if it was a school night, but if not YABU and a bit precious!

NynaevesSister Wed 10-Apr-13 11:46:54

I will definitely assume that all Sleepover invites in future are actually WakeOvers and to say No unless DC can afford 2 days out of regular life afterwards.

Now you get it! That's what everyone else does. OK not the two days bit but whatever it is their child needs. Your child needs two days then a sleepover during holidays is best. My son is similar so we go for the same. But all kids are different. Yours gets physically sick. Most do not. I would talk to the other parent and let them know. Any sane person will understand. If your DD came on a sleepover here then I would do more to make sure they went to sleep earlier. I'd think it rude if you didn't let me know and I found out later that she had been physically sick!

Fairylea Wed 10-Apr-13 13:24:21

I'm really surprised that some people seem to expect children to actually sleep on a sleepover! ... I am of the variety that thinks it's all a bit of a party and I'd just expect dd to stay up all night chatting and sleep and crash out the next day. It wouldn't even occur to me to apologise for dc not sleeping when a mum came to pick them up - I'd expect they'd know that would happen!

For what it's worth I did regularly suggest (in a nice way) that dd and her friends should try to sleep on her non sleeping sleepover... but you can't make a group of 4 or whatever 9/10 year olds sleep. You just do your best to make sure they are safe etc and leave them to enjoy themselves.

DoctorAnge Wed 10-Apr-13 18:43:30

DD sleepovers end up carrying on until about 10.30 they are all 6 though. That's plenty of time for high jinks and fun IMO. They still need to rest.
She wouldn't even dream of being with a family set up where 4 am on a trampoline was acceptable so that will never arise.

Plumsofgold Wed 10-Apr-13 19:01:07

My dd's are 5 and 7 and they love sleep but thy are always up till atleast 1am when they have their cousin to stay. They are up by 9am the next day and have loads of energy. I not see it as a problem as its only one day every few months

Yabu

crashdoll Wed 10-Apr-13 19:40:34

"Especially on MN where a single slap on a toddler's bottom gets labeled common assault"

Yes because that is totally relevant. hmm Last time I checked sleepovers were fun and punishment was not. Plus, it's not great form to drag stuff from other threads especially where opinion was divided and label MN as something.

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 19:52:54

DS is off to a sleepover tomorrow, I've made sure that Friday is kept free.

I do think if you have children who are very delicate, who are shaking with hysteria and exhaustion from a late night - then don't let them go to sleepovers would be my advice.

halcyondays Wed 10-Apr-13 20:56:18

Yabu, it was a sleepover, what did you expect? They will be tired the next day but it's hardly the end of the world.

LadyMountbatten Wed 10-Apr-13 20:57:01

Yabu

cory Wed 10-Apr-13 22:06:40

Dotty342kids Wed 10-Apr-13 08:18:20
"I guess I just feel uncomfortable with children of that age using the kitchen, late at night, with no conscious adult around should they happen to injure themselves in some way (burn on a hot toaster or various other minor things really). "

If this was really a concern, why not simply tell your ds what he is allowed to do and not to do in the kitchen? Surely at 10, he is old enough to understand?

Personally, I was perfectly happy for my 10yo to make toast and tea in the afternoons when no adult was in the house at all. At 10, I reckoned the chances of him burning himself on the kettle were about equal to the chances of my burning myself, and there was nothing I could do to deal with a burn that I hadn't equally taught him to do.

In fact, at 11 ds was once the only other person on the scene when somebody considerably older injured themselves badly enough to need an ambulance. He did exactly what I would have done had I been there: kept the injured person warm and reassured and rang for that ambulance.

Pre-teens are not babies.

Happymum22 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:55:47

This is what happens at sleepovers, its annoying as you get a PITA tired child the next day.. but normal!

Try having a group of 11 year old girls at yours giggling away, playing trust or dare, eating sweets and watching films all night. Believe me it is next to impossible to get them asleep at a decent hour.
You have to learn to let go, their one night of fun is part of their childhood. Sounds like the poor mum was trying to keep your informed and trying to get a bit of mutual support/ have a little laugh about how ridiculously excited children are at sleepovers. The fb message seems like you are ungrateful for her having your son and blaming the inevitable tiredness after a sleepover on her...Yes your DS went to be early, but how was she to know you didn't want that if you hadnt told her before...

If you have strict bedtimes then let the mum know BEFORE and ask her too make they are settled down by a decent time as X has swimming the next day. Maybe picking him up at 4 was a bad plan, I used to say I'd collect in the morning so my DC had a bit of time to regain energy the next day.

If your DS' swimming club is anything like my DDs they will be pushed through the session, do their best and feel a bit frustrated they couldn't keep up for that session. But it woulnt be the end of the world- all the DC in the club have some sessions they are tired or feeling a bit unwell for.

exoticfruits Thu 11-Apr-13 07:00:04

I think that some people forget what it was like to be a child! It was impossible to just lie down and go to sleep- you are far too excited and the brain is in overdrive.

Hulababy Thu 11-Apr-13 07:45:47

Dd's friend is having a sleepover in July for her 11th birthday. There's going to be 11 11yo girls there. It's also their last big party before secondary where more than half are going to different schools. It's also taking place the on the friday evening of the school's whole school mystery day trip so they will already be sky high with excitement from that.

I will not be planning anything else for that entire weekend!

shemademedoit Thu 11-Apr-13 09:08:36

I think you should invite her son over for the night and see what time you manage to get them in bed and asleep by before being so judgey....blush

Dotty342kids Thu 11-Apr-13 10:00:38

shemademedoit, I have done previously, they ate dinner, played on the Wii, went up to the bedroom with portable DVD players / snacks / treats etc and were asleep by 11...

shemademedoit Fri 12-Apr-13 18:17:02

My apologies. You are obviously the better parent. What about inviting mum and son to stay the night so you can show her how it's done?

valiumredhead Fri 12-Apr-13 18:25:31

I'm with you OP, I hate the unsupervised/stay up all night sleepover business, drives me mad, I don't want my child up until 4.30am thank you very much <hoiks bosom>

Sleepovers her mean lights out and chatting quietly not an excuse to run riot and stay up all night. I don't care if other people want to do that but if that's the case my 10 year old won't be joining in. Late is fine, all night and into the early hours is not imo.

ds has load of sleepovers, we always have a spare kid around the house, we have one right now in fact, it'll be lights out at 10 -10.30 and quiet chatting after that. Can't be that bad either as we always seem to have a steady stream of kids wanting to stay over wink

lljkk Fri 12-Apr-13 18:39:44

We have also hosted about three times as many as invited to. DD has school on Monday. I simply can't have her miss an entire night's sleep on Saturday, which would doubtless keep some of rest of awake too, to boot.

Coconutty Fri 12-Apr-13 18:49:13

Well, DS is back from last nights sleepover. Absolutely knackered and lying on the sofa with a throw over him.

He had a ball, other mum said that she last heard from them at 1.30am but she has no idea what time they actually crashed out.

Datun Fri 12-Apr-13 18:53:01

I went through this with both my DS's. You spend a great deal of time getting them into a routine which works for them (and you) and it's all shot to bits when they have a sleepover. The first few times you think wtf? Why aren't they being looked after properly? But then you realise it's actually something of a rite of passage and, what we used to call 'staying the night', for convenience and a bit of fun, actually turns into a bit of an all-nighter with few rules. They all do it. It's fine. Just not too often.

Datun Fri 12-Apr-13 18:53:48

I went through this with both my DS's. You spend a great deal of time getting them into a routine which works for them (and you) and it's all shot to bits when they have a sleepover. The first few times you think wtf? Why aren't they being looked after properly? But then you realise it's actually something of a rite of passage and, what we used to call 'staying the night', for convenience and a bit of fun, actually turns into a bit of an all-nighter with few rules. They all do it. It's fine. Just not too often.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Apr-13 18:56:09

You have to see it in a child like way. I was doing something with DCs in the week when they were on a school trip. The first thing one DD said to me was 'I was so excited I couldn't sleep last night'. It is highly unlikely they will go straight to sleep.

Dancergirl Sat 20-Apr-13 09:20:03

Wow, this has been an eye opener.

Sorry to disagree with the majority but I am with the OP on this one.

I've hosted a few sleepovers and dd has been to a few. There's NO WAY they would be awake till the small hours and it's unnecessary IMO. Dd likes her sleep and wouldn't want to be up that late anyway. They still had fun. She loved having a friend to sleep in her room, they had a nice tea together, played games, got into PJs, watched endless Harry Potter films with suitable junk food, went up at 10ish, chatted a bit and went to sleep. Similar set up when she slept over at friends house.

FGS, you can still have fun without staying up all night!

ladymariner Sat 20-Apr-13 12:23:36

Well I think YABU, especially with the message you sent afterwards...that was rude.

I've hosted loads of sleepovers and ds has been to loads, and amazingly enough he's 17 now and hasn't turned into a drug-addled raging alcoholic because of them.....what a load of bollocks. What happens at ours is that I feed them and then they drag the x box down and commandeer the living room till stupid o clock. They have their sleeping bags and pillows down there with them and they fall asleep, some before others.

It's actually easier as they get older tbh, when they were 10/11 they were all into wrestling and the room was used as a giant wrestling ring, I'd open the door to see a mass of small sweaty bodies, all red faced and screeching. The older they get the cooler they get and now they just watch films, play games, and (god forbid, send in social services....) have a beer or two.

Fancydrawers Sat 20-Apr-13 12:31:46

Christ, lighten up.

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