to expect DH to take DD (4 months) to the supermarket for an hour?

(49 Posts)
GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 14:39:24

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Coconutty Tue 09-Apr-13 14:40:30

Yeah, UANBU. I hope he took her and you got some sleep.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 14:45:25

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Squitten Tue 09-Apr-13 14:48:20

YANBU. And I would be asking him why he doesn't feel that he has to look after his own daughter by himself.

malteserzz Tue 09-Apr-13 14:48:38

Is he worried about how he will cope with her on his own ? Obviously he's got to learn but wonder if he's scared?

BettyandDon Tue 09-Apr-13 14:49:11

Please tell your Dh that my Dh had my 2 children - age 3.5 months and 2.5 years for 5 days. All by himself.

You need some breaks otherwise you'll go nuts.

MaebyF Tue 09-Apr-13 14:50:12

YANBU. That's actually really bad, that he has only looked after her for 15 mins sad I know things are harder when she is bf, but there should still be an hour or two at some point during the day where he can take her out, or you can go out.

stop now with the cleaning

get to bed, both of you, get DH to make you a drink and some food and just get to bed.

you don't need to clean or do housework or anything.
you need to rest when you can (you and the baby will feel a lot better for it - 4mo don't need routines)

mumofweeboys Tue 09-Apr-13 14:51:44

Hi

He should have took her but could he be worried about taking her out alone?

My oh was brilliant with ds1(bottle fed) but rubbish with ds2 (who was bf) - after talking to him he didnt feel very confident as I had done majority of care with ds2.

He agreed that I needed some time so he started taking both boys out for a bit each day or at weekend.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 14:55:19

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shewhowines Tue 09-Apr-13 14:55:44

I would not be happy!

You need a serious talk when he is calmer about what he needs to do as a parent and how he needs to support you.

I think you have problems ahead if you can't make him see he was BtotallyU.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:02:00

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showtunesgirl Tue 09-Apr-13 15:06:05

It sounds like he's scared but he really does have to start at some point and now is as good a time as any!

shewhowines Tue 09-Apr-13 15:06:39

Is it only since the baby that it has started or was it always there but not a real problem until the baby IYSWIM?

If he's only just started BU, then there is the possibility that he may change. Can someone talk to him that he respects and would listen to? A male relative with kids perhaps?

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:11:03

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GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:11:53

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It's unlikely it will help her sleep - DD at 4 mo (at every age actually) wouldn't have slept either, but just being in bed and feeding her and myself was as good a rest as any.

You have to tackle this shouting thing though.

(4mo sleep regression btw...)

shewhowines Tue 09-Apr-13 15:16:29

You need to state your case calmly and refuse to get riled. Make him realise that it's serious and that he's putting his marriage at risk.

At the end of the day if he can't/won't change will you put up with it or will it be a deal breaker?

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:17:24

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GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:19:09

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no, he wasn't depressed.
if he were depressed, he wouldn't suddenly "be okay"

and, <ahem>
why the fuck are you making his doctor's appointments? are you his secretary too?

shewhowines Tue 09-Apr-13 15:20:53

marriage guidance?

Thurlow Tue 09-Apr-13 15:21:26

What shewhowins says. Other than the fact (and I am just assuming here, so please don't be offended if I am wrong) that he is working and bringing the larger salary while you are on maternity leave, is there anything you are gaining by him being around? You sounds as though you are pretty much doing everything yourself.

Is there a limit in your head? If talks won't change his involvement, and you're not currently in a position to leave him with the baby for a day - will you just put up with this, or would there eventually be a dealbreaker?

I don't think many people are natural parents. We all have to try, I'll bet you didn't wake up pregnant and know how to be a mother. You either read, asked, or, like most, learnt on the job. It's hard. His excuse is flimsy, and the shopping trip appears to be a red herring for the other deeper problems in your relationship.

I think that if he has brow beaten you to a point where you can't talk to him for fear of being shouted down (I know you shout too, but it sounds like he starts to shout, and you get drawn in) and he has spoken many words but taken no action then somethings got to give. Have you got any childcare? Even for an hour where you can attempt to talk to your dh without the baby, a bit more of a neutral setting? It's very early days in terms of parenthood, and new born babies can put stress on a relationship like nothing else. If you can perhaps try for marriage counselling. Perhaps ask for this thread to be moved to relationships, you obviously need some support, and aibu can sometimes draw some negative people. Good luck.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:56:56

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GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:57:58

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GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 15:59:22

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YANBU at all!

DP gets handed DS3 most days after work, he's a difficult baby and I'm having a hard time in general atm.
Your DP needs to start stepping up and acting like a parent and part of a team.

foreverondiet Tue 09-Apr-13 16:06:29

Taking a step back - why did he go to the supermarket - was it essential trip (ie no food in house) or did he just fancy going?

If the later then he was being very selfish.

I think though that its about management of expectations - he probably was thinking about his supermarket trip for several hours and was v pissed of when his expectations weren't managed.

Next time you have a bad night, tell him during the day that when he comes home you need a sleep so he is looking after DD - and he is welcome to do this in the house or elsewhere.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 16:11:14

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fallon8 Tue 09-Apr-13 16:16:27

Could it be the baby is not well or isn't get enough out of breast milk? If you manage to sort out the baby first,that would be a start

showtunesgirl Tue 09-Apr-13 16:39:19

fallon8 perpetuating rumours about babies not getting enough of breastmilk really isn't going to help. hmm

It is perfectly normal for four month olds to go through feeding spurts and for their sleep to go a bit wonky.

If the baby is gaining weight ok, that's the main thing. Yes by all means get things checked out regarding possible reflux etc but saying that BM may not be enough is not helpful.

The baby is getting enough milk Fallon8 - it's a well-known time for sleep to be disrupted due to yet another growth spurt (mainly mental rather than physical) - it is certainly not the time to be talking about not getting enough milk.

Gizza - don't worry about routines. Just make sure the baby is changed for bed and get there yourself. smile

(FWIW, DD has a bath about twice a month because she has eczema and can't be bathed very often. It hasn't killed her and she doesn't smell. My point being that a heck of a lot of stuff isn't necessary. just get yourselves to bed)

Dh always loved taking our dses to the supermarket when they were little babies - he got so much attention because he was a Man out with a baby.

foreverondiet Tue 09-Apr-13 17:07:04

re: feeding, I think needing to be fed 6 times in the night could indicate that the baby is hungry. It might not be that - but its certainly needs to be considered. Its appropriate to mention it.

I say this as my DS1 did the same (feeding hourly in the night) - everyone on here said "growth spurt" and "4 month sleep regression" - but after a three weeks I was exhausted.

I filled up a bottle with 5oz and he drank the lot, and then he drank most of another 5oz bottle immediately after (so around 9oz of milk) and then he slept for over 6 hours. Another bottle and he slept until the morning. This was a baby who had never been offered a bottle before - so can only conclude that he was starving and I had low milk supply in the evening so he just wasn't getting enough to go more than an hour or so.

I am very pro breastfeeding but can only function with a certain amount of sleep! FWIW - DD and DS2 both also went through 4 month sleep regression but for them that meant going back to waking every 3 hours like they did a newborns - and it only last a couple of weeks.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 17:08:35

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GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 17:10:45

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IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Tue 09-Apr-13 17:18:52

YANBU

Your husband needs to be stepping up a lot more.

I can probably guess the answer to this, but does he change any of her nappies? He really could be doing all the nappies when he isn't working, as well as giving you at least an hour off active duty each day.

I sympathise with the 4 month sleep regression. My baby is now 7 months and I don't know how we got through 3 weeks of round the clock feeding and little sleep, but we did. It will get better! Just do the absolute bare minimum housework wise until you have good nights again. If DH complains, the solution is for him to pull his finger out and do his share of parenting.

StinkyElfCheese Tue 09-Apr-13 17:21:29

I made dh take dd was 2.8 and new born twins to Tesco I simply needed 1/2 hour alone they all came back pretty much ok smile

He may be very worried frightened about taking little one out on his own but as I said like everything else it gets easier the more you practise smile

You have to just feed the baby constantly if that happens!
God, DD went about 3 months having to feed several times in the night! (but conversely, she spent a while only having 2 or 3 feeds in the day)

1: just because you gave him a bottle and he drained it does not mean that he needed a bottle. bottles are easier to get liquid out of. if he was feeding like that and then gulping down a bottle, maybe you should look at your latch or positioning, or even whether you're giving him chance to feed properly. or tongue-tie.
2: BF babies are supposed to feed more often and wake more often. They are programmed to take what they need and then go back for more later on. It's Natural and Normal and doesn't mean they are starving or going hungry or that your supply is low.
3: formula doesn't necessarily make your baby sleep. it's also a lot harder to digest than Breast milk, which means actually, your baby is trying to digest it rather than it suddenly filling him up for 6 hours ready to sleep.

This isn't a thread about whether or not her baby is starving or hungry or should be bottle in stead of breast fed.
this is exactly the reason why breastfeeding is undermined and ruined during growth spurts when actually, the likelihood is that the baby and mother are doing everything right and just responding to the baby's natural feeding patterns.

there is a growth spurt/sleep regression at 4 months babies feed like it;s going out of fashion for a while, then it goes back to normal.
That's what's supposed to happen.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 17:24:11

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and I say this as someone who has always had a baby that feeds through the night (really, not just oh, waking up every 4 hours, but every 2 hours every night for months on end) - she has always been a healthy, thriving baby, she just eats little and often.

and why not - babies cannot be programmed.

sorry, x-posts

carabos Tue 09-Apr-13 17:29:44

My BiL took his DS2 to the supermarket on the day he was born (home birth). hmm

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Tue 09-Apr-13 17:30:51

Glad to hear that Gizza! There is hope for him then.

Could you arrange a time slot for him to take her out daily while he gets used to it? Maybe 30 mins to begin with, building up to an hour? Perhaps having it scheduled into his day in advance would help as he builds his confidence up.

GizzaCwtch Tue 09-Apr-13 17:35:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopefully the more time he spends with her, the more confident he will get, and the more he will enjoy it.

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