To not allow my DH to buy a motorbike?

(71 Posts)
Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:07:04

I feel like I am probably being unreasonable, but I am not really sure I can change my views! DH has never had a motorbike before, and he has known ever since we met how I feel about them (Which is that I think they are dangerous, and that no matter how safely you ride one, there are idiot drivers on the roads who don't drive carefully and could easily knock you off or cause an accident). The trouble is, I have also known ever since we met how HE feels about them, and I know that he wants one- so we're at a stalemate!

Ultimately I am not trying to be mean, but I love DH very much, and we have a 13 week old baby, and I just can't face the thought of him doing anything which I personally consider to be really dangerous.

Partly my feeling may be down to the fact that I am a very anxious person, and have suffered from anxiety disorders in the past, so I have a tendancy to let my worries run away with me. For example, if DH is late home from work, it is not long before my mind has wandered and I am panicking that he has been in an accident and that I will be shortly getting a call from the police. So I can only imagine that if he has a motorbike, my anxiety issues will be hugely magnified because of my pre-existing feelings about them.

I really hope I don't offend anyone by posting this, I don't mean to cause offence to anyone who has a motorbike, or has a DP with a motorbike. I would just like to know whether I am being unreasonable by putting my foot down and saying that he can't have one. (To be honest, he's an adult, if he really wants to get one then I can't stop him, but as we are a couple, I don't think he would do that unless he had my blessing.)

ParadiseChick Mon 08-Apr-13 23:07:54

Yabu

livinginwonderland Mon 08-Apr-13 23:09:56

you can't ban him from spending his money on something, but i totally get your concerns.

saintmerryweather Mon 08-Apr-13 23:11:00

Yabvu

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 23:11:04

YANBU

DH knows that it is a condition of our relationship that he doesn't have one.

I have always hated them and thought they were very dangerous. When I was at Uni a friend's brother was in a coma following a motorbike accident which just confirmed my feelings.

When DH and I got married and we agreed to start a family, him never having a motorbike was part of the deal.

WMittens Mon 08-Apr-13 23:13:08

If it was not affordable, that would be reasonable; just because you don't like them is unreasonable.

AmIthatSpringy Mon 08-Apr-13 23:14:02

YABU

"..not allow my DH to buy..."

hmm

McNewPants2013 Mon 08-Apr-13 23:15:13

How can you put conditions on a relationship, would you really divorce him over buying something he really wanted.

Yabu, but Yanbu to be concerned about his safety

SuzySuzSuz Mon 08-Apr-13 23:17:34

I've been there so know how you're feeling. My husband had a bike for about 8yrs, sold last year through his own choice for £ reasons at that time.

I used to worry too, husband was a great biker, did the advanced tests etc but like you, my worry was always other drivers. Like it or not, on a bike even with protection you are more at risk of injury if anything did happen. Husband was knocked off a couple of times, fortunately no serious injuries.

Have you spoken to your other half about your concerns? I don't think putting down your foot will help, as you've mentioned he is an adult plus resentment may build.

Also has your husband been on bikes at all? Just to check it's definitely for him before even pursuing this?

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:23

tell him he can have one when he has enough life insurance to make sure your life is incredibly comfortable.

we couldn't afford for dh to take silly risks.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 23:19:04

yanbu

I expect you will get called a control freak or summat though

who gives a shit ? smile

LovelyMeredith Mon 08-Apr-13 23:19:09

Last year, my brother was in a motorbike accident due to the fact he slide on a wet leaf. This result in him having a broken leg; having to have a metal plate in his leg and getting a blood clot.

On the other hand, my Uncle who has been riding motorcycles since he was 17 and has never had an accident.

It depends on what time of bloke your hubby is - if he's the type who would sit and show off, then I can totally understand your concerns. However, if he's sensible and doesn't act the idiot, then you've got nothing to worry about.

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:20:50

and also it is ok for partners to sometimes say, actually this is one step too far for me. For some people it's strip clubs for some people it's dangerous hobbies. why decide to take it up when you have a new born?

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:22:07

he won't have time for aaaaages yet to fuck about on a motorbike anyway

Delayingtactic Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:17

I understand where you are coming from. I'm guessing its just poor phrasing on your part to say you wouldn't allow him, just more that if he is asking for your blessing you're not going to give it! It's not about safe they are as a rider it's about other idiots on the road.

I'd feel the same way. The only thing you can do is tell your DH that the idea of it really frightens and if he wants to go ahead regardless that is his choice but you are not going to pretend to be okay with it.

Andro Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:20

YABU...but understandably so (up to a point).

I'm really uncomfortable with one half of a partnership using 'allow' in reference to a hobby or purchase (assuming cost isn't the issue)...you're his DW, not his DM!

ShellyBoobs Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:42

YABVU.

DH has a motorbike, and last year I posted a thread in AIBU about him wanting to take our 7yo dd on a road trip to Scotland.

Long story short, they went, they were fine.

I do know exactly what you mean though, I worry every time DH goes out on his.

But I can't, and wouldn't, stop him.

Let him buy one, you'll probably find he's had enough of it by the end of summer. They're not the most sociable of vehicles!

Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:35:27

Alibaba- I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this!

No I would never divorce him over it, but I do sort of feel like he married me knowing my feelings about them, and also knowing about my anxiety issues, and it certainly wouldn't help!

I feel like I worded the thread wrong, I am not a control freak I promise! I know I couldn't (and wouldn't!) actually stop him from getting one, but I feel like my concerns are valid ones, and that as we are a partnership, it is sort of a joint decision. I also feel that if he gets a motorbike then this may later encourage my DS to get one, and that would absolutely frighten the life out of me!

I do appreciate that I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't think I am being VERY unreasonable! If I was being VERY unreasonable then I would be saying that I don't want him to get one because I want him to buy me something nice and expensive instead, and I am certainly not saying that! I am being unreasonable, but my reasons are justifiable surely?! I just can't stand the thought of him getting hurt.

I would never actually stop him doing something he wanted to do, I am not that sort of wife, the same as he would never stop me doing something I wanted to do. However, if I pretend that I am okay with it and then something dreadful happens, then I would never forgive myself for not expressing discontent with the idea when I could, if that makes sense? Basically I guess what I am saying is that I just don't think I can give him my blessing over this.

WMittens Mon 08-Apr-13 23:37:57

* They're not the most sociable of vehicles!*

There is a massive social aspect to biking! Rideouts, events, bikesport, etc. It's a fantastic community.

ComposHat Mon 08-Apr-13 23:45:44

He couldn't leap on a 1000cc superbike and roar off into the sunset. He will be restricted to 125cc until he's passed a CBT, theory and practical test.

I guess that once he sees the amount of effort and cost involved he'll think twice.

Up until my friends DH was killed on one some years back I'd have said YABU. But I have to say if DH mooted this I'd feel exactly the same as OP hmm

Twentytotwo Mon 08-Apr-13 23:52:13

All you can do is ask him not to and make sure he has good serious injury cover and life insurance if he decides to get one. To 'not allow' him is never going to work. You can decide that it's a deal breaker for you which is your right but understandably you don't want that.

Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:53:32

Trouble is, Cal Crutchlow is his hero...which doesn't bode well for me seeing as he races GP bikes!

To be honest, financially I think it would be a bad idea at the moment, so hopefully by the time we can afford it then he will have gone off the idea!

footphobic Mon 08-Apr-13 23:54:46

My DH used to have one when we first got together, he came off it once luckily not badly hurt. It was his own decision to get rid after we got married. I would say he was a confident and safe rider but he felt too vulnerable on it. He considered it again at one point but decided against, plus for him comfort won over speed. He does a huge amount of miles, which I worry about too, it's bad enough in a car.

I wouldn't like to think of either of us forbidding the other to do or buy something, but when you feel very strongly something is wrong or dangerous enough to cause you a constant worry, then I think it warrants taking your feelings into consideration.

The issue for me is lack of protection. It's not about how skilled or safe the rider thinks they are or may actually be, it's about how vulnerable you are on a bike.

My cousin's DSS was killed on a bike last year, 18 years old. It wasn't his fault, he was driving safely, it was a freak accident, in a car he would have survived.

We have 5 dcs, I know DH would not want them to have a motorbike.

Nothing is 100% safe in this world and I'm not saying we should all stop doing things we enjoy, but the statistics speak for themselves - 31 times more likely to have a fatal outcome from an accident on a bike than in a car. I just think the risk is too great.

YANBU to feel the way you do and to strongly disagree, but your turn of phrase is unfortunate. Partners shouldn't "allow" or "not allow" each other anything.

Hopefully if you express your feelings and concerns on the subject to him, he will be reasonable and hold off for a while, especially if you have a new baby.

Andro Mon 08-Apr-13 23:56:10

Doodledumdums - you do realise that if your DS picks up on your hatred/fear of motorbikes it's quite possible that obtaining his license will become a priority (teenage rebellion is a wonderful thing)? Particularly if your DH has an interest in bikes (even if he doesn't ride)!

I like bikes, I used to ride them. But while I know of no-one who has been injured or indeed killed in a car accident, my house-mate was killed on his bike when I was in Uni, a co-worker's son was killed last year, I have seen at least one fatal accident while out driving, my boss has a knackered spine from a bike crash.... the list goes on....

Andro Tue 09-Apr-13 00:01:50

AnnieLobeseder - I'm the opposite, no-one close to me has been injured or killed on a bike, but 4 people close to me have been killed in car accidents (I'm not underestimating the potential danger of bikes though).

Doodledumdums Tue 09-Apr-13 00:05:32

I am very much regretting the title of this thread now! I really don't mean that I would actually forbid him from getting one, I worded the thread entirely wrong. I really mean that I don't want to give him my blessing to get one.

Andro- I hadn't even thought of that!! Although thankfully DS is a long way off being a teenager, thank goodness!

thezebrawearspurple Tue 09-Apr-13 00:08:29

yanbu, there's a much higher risk of being seriously injured/killed from a motorbike than a car accident. That would affect you so you have a right to say that you're unhappy with him taking unnecessary risk. Someone on a bike is so exposed and there are too many shitty lorry/van/car drivers on the roads.

Twentytotwo Tue 09-Apr-13 00:13:05

The risk of serious injury if you do come off a bike is enough that I can't imagine many people being actively enthusiastic about their DP getting one unless they were also a bike enthusiast.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 00:15:47

DH would know not to suggest it, so I guess you could call it being effectively forbidden...

OP, you are allowed to have strong feelings about something you know

having a motorbike is not essential, like water and oxygen

it's a lifestyle choice that doesn't currently fit your family's lifestyle...no more, no less

Longdistance Tue 09-Apr-13 00:30:06

Yanbu. My dh's family like their motorbikes, but dh is as clumsy as anything, and he'll be the first to fall off.

About 15 years ago, my old neighbours dh fell off his motorbike in an accident. It wasn't a pretty ending, and I remember seeing the police car pull up, and then saw the son in tears. He was only about 14, his sister was about 11, the dw was around early 40's and widowed.

He had a very powerful bike, that he always sped off on. Even though he had all the leathers and helmet, and lash bike, it didn't help.

It is not ops dh's money, it's family money, so again yanbu to say no.

angeltattoo Tue 09-Apr-13 03:53:26

You are NBU to feel the way you do, you WBU to 'ban' him, but you have already said you wouldn't/ couldn't do that.

If he doesn't already have a licence then getting one is time consuming and expensive, which might put him off with a newborn.

I remember my mum saying I couldn't have a motorbike when I lived at home, I bought one anyway shocksmile

I remember coming home one day to find her rocking on the stairs, I just could not understand her worry at all! blush

My DH and I are planning on moving, which would mean a longer commute for him, he occasionally mentions how a bike would be quicker, I ignore him smile luckily he doesn't have a licence so I'm not too worried.

Finally, i'm not sure if this helps or not probably not but if it's racing he's into, I worry a lot less about my motorcycle racing brother when he's riding on a track than when he's on a road - tracks are relatively safe.

BlueyDragon Tue 09-Apr-13 05:12:51

YANBU, OP, this is family money so a joint decision. Sometimes a compromise isn't possible even in the sunniest of relationships. And you have particular concerns about your DH doing this, so why shouldn't you express them and expect to be heard?

If your DH does go ahead, then one thing that helps me manage the worry about accidents whilst my DH is out on his bike is an agreement that he phones me when he is starting his journey. If he is then delayed, he phones me again to let me know. This might sound super-controlling, but came about after he'd phoned me one night to say he was leaving work, got delayed by a crisis that meant he couldn't answer his mobile and didn't get home until 2 hours after he should have been back. By which time I'd nearly called the police. If it was just going out for a ride, rather than commuter journey, we'd agree how long for and again call if the time was to be exceeded (my turn to mess up - I'd gone out on my bike with a friend and got us lost).

But tbh the motorbike lifestyle isn't fantastically compatible with family life, all road risks apart. For a start, direct access training is expensive and takes at least a week. The bike might look relatively cheap, but good safety kit and leathers adds a lot too and the insurance can be pricey depending on what you buy and more importantly where you're storing it. And yes, the biking social life is fantastic and great fun, but where/how would you fit into that? Your DH can go out on his bike and you could catch up with him at certain points on his ride so it's doable, I'm just asking the question. Pillions have to be tall enough to reach the foot pegs and sensible enough to do as they're told so children are out as passengers for a while.

We have two bikes and two children and I've just decided to sell mine because I never get to ride it - there's too much other stuff going on in my non-work time. Anyone want a 55 plate Ducati Monster 620 with Termignoni cans?

Plomino Tue 09-Apr-13 05:20:25

DH used to have one . He stopped after coming off worse against a car , and having his brother turn up as first officer on scene , who then had to go and tell his mum..

Personally I totally get where you're coming from . In my job , it's frightening how many colleagues get killed every year on motorbikes . I think it's actually the most common cause of death of the recent police roll of honour . I know of so so many colleagues who have been seriously injured , and not through lack of skills or red mist most of the time , and what with all the accidents we come across , I suppose it's no wonder that I would be really really concerned if DH wanted to get back on . And DS's are banned until they leave home . I worry enough as it is .

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 09-Apr-13 08:20:14

OP don't be so apologetic.

DH really isn't allowed, although you could frame it as him choosing to stay married to me rather than have a bike. He doesn't want one that badly.

Early in our relationship but after a discussion about marriage and children he seriously mooted getting a bike to commute. I told him that if he did I wouldn't marry him or have children with him, that was the deal and he could take it or leave it. He took it.
We both consider it a binding promise, and I would consider that he had left our marriage if he went and bought one or started lessons.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 09-Apr-13 08:22:58

Yabu if I wanted one and said DH would not "allow" it there'd be hell to pay on here.

superbagpuss Tue 09-Apr-13 08:35:34

I'm in the opposite position. I have always loved bikes and got my license but my dh hates them. so even though we can afford it even before I had DC I felt I couldn't have one and it would get him cross and I resented him a bit for it. even when I go out with my biker mates he gets all huffy and causes a row and I feel like part of me dies inside. BTW there are things he does I'm not 100% happy with but I knew he did them before we got together so I accept them. we have been together over ten years and its one of the major flash points still.

RatPants Tue 09-Apr-13 08:43:16

Yanbu. They're deadly. I only know a couple of people with bikes but all of them have had accidents at some point, mainly through no fault of their own. Dh had a nasty accident before I met him and sometimes makes noises about getting another bike but I'm really against it and I think they are just noises, given that he almost died and is actually a bit afraid of getting back on one, just won't necessarily admit it so I give him a good excuse.

Perhaps rather than banning him from buying one you could come to an agreement like me and my husband.

If he is allowed a motorbike, I am allowed a crocodile. grin

Highlander Tue 09-Apr-13 08:45:18

Organ donors in transit.

byanymeans Tue 09-Apr-13 08:53:33

I ride have done for since i was 17, DP has since he was 16.
Plus i have big worry issues when ever DP is out weather it be in the landy, push bike or one of the motorbikes so i feel your pain. I ask him to ring or text when he stops and i deal with my nerves till he does beaucse i know the risks what ever transport he uses. Even if he takes a train to london i check the radio traffic and travel for bad news if he is late texting.
But i would never stop him riding or driving beause of me and though he knows i do worry i dont tell him because i dont want distract him.

I have lost 2 class mates to car accidents and each had full cars who were killed or very very hurt. I have also lost my best friend to being hit off his motorbike by a car. But i ride for him my bestfriend because there is nothing like it. When i got told i was pregant my family told me i would give it up but its part of me as it is DP.

What im trying to say is sit down talk it though with your dh just one time. Tell him you worry be honest money wise, health wise, maybe if you need a text when he is out tell him. But in the end dont take it as a bad thing if he wants to ride. Look at the pro's bike riders see more so he will be safer driving if rides. But at the end of the day he needs to make choice for him self.

Plus as far as social have 14 'brothers and sisters', lots of friends and confedence that i wont have if i didnt ride and the same goes for DP and hopefully one our son.

byanymeans Tue 09-Apr-13 08:56:42

*and hopefully our son will ride one day too.

Sorry long post

tomatoplantproject Tue 09-Apr-13 09:00:59

I'm with you, OP. DH knows my feelings and I would happily bribe dc's with a car if it meant they never had a bike. Have been first person on the scene of a motorbike accident and a friend's brother was killed by a bad driver. They strike fear to the heart of my soul. At least in a car there is some protection but on a bike you are completely exposed.

I like bikes - superbikes especially.
But.... My ex BIL was in hospital for long time after being knocked off of his bike.
A good friend died a couple of years ago when he was knocked off of his bike.
Another friend, when younger, was seriously injured and killed another biker in that accident!
YANBU IMHO!

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 09:07:28

I rode over a period of 12 years and finally sold my last lovely bike last year. Before I had ds1, I rode every day, all weathers, it was superb but then no one was dependant on me so I had that freedom.

It is imo one of those things that is safer the more you do it. You learn to handle the bike properly, through all conditions, you get very quick at reacting and stabilising and dodging.

I was a fantastic rider (if I say so myself grin) and once I had children I began to ride far less, obviously, and my skills decreased.

I sold that bike and got another a couple of years later, because I missed it...and found the same thing, that it was sitting on the drive more than it was out on the road, simply through other - parenting -commitments, and frankly I was never so confident as I used to be.

Also it meant if anything did happen - which was more likely than when I'd been an every day rider - my children would be the ones to suffer.

So I sold it. I don't regret selling it. I have chosen my path and that involves a commitment to my children and if it's not my job, then I won't be riding enough to be good enough at it.

I feel for your H but imo his time to have a bike was before your little baby was born. He should have done it then. It sounds like it might be a case of displacement activity for him - to want one at the same time as a new baby?

Kids or bikes, unless it's your job OR a family activity on slow boring bike runs where no one will get hurt.

Seriously it's like having a horse, or in fact a baby - they do require a massive commitment. And being older he won't learn as quick anyway.

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 09:10:09

Weirdly my parents were so against me getting a second hand car that they bribed me to get a bike instead!

flaminhoopsaloolah Tue 09-Apr-13 10:09:33

I was behind a bus with an advert on the back of it yesterday. It was asking car drivers to be more vigilant. I cannot remember the exact figures, but roughly 1% of road users are bikers and 23% of RTA involve bikers. Those are some pretty sobering statistics.

I love motorbikes. I miss motorbikes. I've always wanted to own one (used to have a P with a CBR, huge amount of fun)

I now have children.

You are not being unreasonable (for the most part). He is a father and a spouse and he must know being on a bike is riskier than being in a car. I can empathise with him wanting one - I want one!! But he has responsibilities.

You can't stop him - obviously. But I'd be making certain he had decent life insurance and injury cover and if he objected to that, I'd be pretty concerned about how he saw his role in his family (I'm sure he wouldn't object to that though)

ithaka Tue 09-Apr-13 10:17:14

Tricky one - I think with a 13 week old baby, now is probably not the best time for him to get a bike. But you may have to resign yourself to the fact he will get one eventually, if that is what he really wants.

I have an expensive and dangerous hobby (horses) and I really appreciate my DH's forbearance and try not to take it too much for granted. But our marriage would not have lasted this long (20 years & still strong) if he couldn't at least accept my hobby, I don't expect him to embrace it.

BegoniaBampot Tue 09-Apr-13 10:29:20

YANBU though I can understand the appeal of bikes. All bikers I know usually know close friends who have had serious accidents or have been killed. My friend was killed on his bike, on the way to his funeral we passed a another serious bike accident - hopefully that guy survived.

everlong Tue 09-Apr-13 10:32:06

Yanbu.

I would do everything I could to stop my DH from getting one also.

bobbywash Tue 09-Apr-13 10:43:34

I had Motorbikes when I first met my now ExW, when the DD's were born I gave it up. I couldn't bear the thought of them growing up without me, and whilst I accepted the everyday risks, I wasn't prepared to accept the additional risks that go with owning a Motorbike. When the DD's started secondary school I bought another one, and went and did some refresher training.

For me, if you say no that breeds resentment, but if you say yes but hows about waiting until the children are older, and explaining your anxiety, you may get a better result.

Just on no account ever let him buy a Harley

GandalfsHat Tue 09-Apr-13 10:54:37

YANBU

Doesn't matter how good a driver or how responsible he may be, the problem is often other road users. My friend, who has a 4 year old and a one year old, lost her DH 6 mo ago after a collision with a truck - the truck turned into his lane. A manager I had a few years ago also died in a bike accident, the force of the impact ripped her leg off. I worked in A&E for a few years (I'm not even registered anymore, was a few years ago) and nursed many patients who had been in bike accidents, ime bike accidents only go 2 ways, people walk away unscathed or end up with major trauma, and even something like a completely smashed knee (a guy coming off his bike on a mountain pass, no other vehicles involved) is major trauma, he will have trouble with that knee for LIFE, it will impact his hobbies, doing stuff with his kids, limit what he can do at work, etc.

I do feel very strongly that when you have kids/are married, you cannot take decision like this without taking your family into account. I keep myself fit/healthy etc as much for my children and my husband as for myself, as me being sick or whatever will impact them greatly. Obviously there are things that you cannot control - cancer, I can be hit by a bus tomorrow, whatever, but I have to do everything in my power to be healthy and keep myself safe for them, as much as for me.

If he does insist in buying this bike, you have to look at his life cover and also some kind of injury protection insurance. Sorry if this sound alarmist and crazy, but believe me, I've seen the fallout, bikes are awful things. DH had one before we got married, he will never have one now (yes, I will not allow it, however controlling that may sound) and my sons will never have it either as long as I can help it.

Good luck x

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 11:00:17

Bobby I agree HDs are hideous, but they are probably safer and slower than track bikes or many road bikes.

Fwiw I saw some idiot bikers the other day, they overtook me on the other side of the road with oncoming traffic - total dickheads. With pillions. I am not bike-weighted in my analysis here but it is a vulnerable position to be on a bike of any sort.

specialsubject Tue 09-Apr-13 11:18:32

things to consider:

- the motorbike accident rate among the over 30s peaks at the start of good weather, where men who are not as fit or as thin as they were the previous autumn get on their bikes. So he needs to look to his fitness and do some training.

- motorbikers are known in medical circles as 'organ donors'. Again, training, practice (lots of it), not thinking he is invincible, defensive driving etc etc.

but it will always be riskier than having four walls of metal round him. He does indeed need to think about insurance, working power etc, and whether a riskier hobby is reasonable with dependents.

Lueji Tue 09-Apr-13 11:31:00

I think there's a map of roadkill fatal road accidents somewhere.
I remember checking it out for London and, apart from old people in buses, most were men in bikes.

Even my 8 year old was saying today that he won't ever own a motorbike because they are too dangerous.
I should have recorded it to play to him in 10 years. wink

Andro Tue 09-Apr-13 11:33:13

Just on no account ever let him buy a Harley

Harley's are awesome! There isn't another bike that comes close to the feeling of riding a well maintained Harley.

Lueji Tue 09-Apr-13 11:35:40

map

YellowTulips Tue 09-Apr-13 11:37:57

My DH is a committed biker. I knew this when I met him so I always felt it was part of the package so to speak.

I have never tried to stop him but to be fair he is very sensible and has over 20 years experience now.

I spoke to him about this and he said the biggest risk is the 30 something biker who can afford a top end sports bike that they lack the skills and experience to control. In addition as a biker you have to learn to ride "defensively" - basically assume everyone else in the road is out to get you and that's a very different style of using the roads that a former car user is used to.

So his advice if your DH goes ahead.

1. Don't by a sports bike. Aim for a "naked" bike (without a fairing). You get the same thrill at lower speeds.
2. Don't buy an underpowered bike. Small 125's don't have the power to get you out of trouble. Aim for 500 to 750 for a first bike.
3. Do advanced classes. Learn about defensive riding.
4. Ride regularly. You need to build up hours on the road in all conditions - blasting around on a Sunday in fine weather is where you are likely to overextend your skills and get caught out if the conditions change.
5. Do not scrimp on kit. A good helmet is £400. Gloves, boots, jackets with back protection are NOT cheap. If you can't afford the kit don't buy the bike. Essentially you should factor ideally £1k into your budget for everything you will need.
6. Keep you bike in tip top condition. Don't underestimate how often you will need new tyres. Tyres are crucial on a bike so you can't compromise here. If you can't afford new tyres regularly (3 months for my DH - he rides every day though) again, you can't afford the bike.

Hope this helps. If your DH still wants to go ahead then the above should make it as safe as possible.

YellowTulips Tue 09-Apr-13 12:13:32

Sorry one more thing. It may sound counter intuitive but apart from controlled situations like advanced training, don't ride as a group - especially with other novice riders.

There is always a "show off" and when people try and keep up is again when accidents happen.

Better to ride alone at your own pace.

WMittens Tue 09-Apr-13 12:46:11

Excellent points from YellowTulips (and husband), but one thing I would disagree with:

5. A good helmet is £400.
An excellent helmet is £400. A good helmet is £150-£200. Even a £40 FM lid has to meet the EC22.05 standard. A more expensive lid will be more comfortable, more durable and provide increased protection. HJC, Laser, AGV, Nolan, Shoei, Arai all have decent budget models. I've found HJC to be an excellent fit for a very reasonable price (fit is dictated by an individual's head shape, and often suits particular brands more than others).

£500 all in is possible - agree about the back protector though, a lot of riders don't bother with them but I always wore mine.

6. If you can't afford new tyres regularly (3 months for my DH - he rides every day though)
This completely depends on the type and compound of tyre (and the power output of the bike) - somewhat ironically, the more expensive tyres tend to last less time/distance. A touring tyre on a low-ish powered bike could see 15-20,000 miles.

WMittens Tue 09-Apr-13 12:49:21

specialsubject

- the motorbike accident rate among the over 30s peaks at the start of good weather, where men who are not as fit or as thin as they were the previous autumn get on their bikes. So he needs to look to his fitness and do some training.

It's not fitness that's the problem, it is the riding skills that haven't been practised over winter.

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 12:53:45

I agree about helmets. Mind you if you hit a wall you hit a wall.

Before having kids I used to lark about - I'd take the bike up the road or round the block with no helmet, wearing a cardigan, I didn't care. I had a £30 open face helmet which I continued to wear after falling off onto it.

The bike was like a part of me, a physical attachment if you like. I felt very confident. Later when my riding was less often I wore the proper stuff and felt like a stuffed teddy bear, which didn't help with riding safely.

Now I have kids I wouldn't go out without proper protection (though still use open face) not because I feel the clothing makes me ride better, but because I think I'm more likely to fall off, because I don't ride as much.

I hope that makes sense - if your H isn't going to be riding a LOT then he will be vulnerable just through lack of a physical attunement to the bike.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff Tue 09-Apr-13 13:31:45

Yanbu, especially if he has never had a bike before. My first reaction reading your post was could it be a reaction mid life crisis to having a new baby, life suddenly changed in a big way type thing. I'm maybe being a bit harsh but it does happen.

My view is slightly clouded because my brother was killed in an accident almost a year ago. He had all the good kit, years of experience etc but none of that helped him. Luckily he didn't have a wife/children.

Bike are dangerous even if the rider is the safest/best in the world. To want to start biking now with no previous experience and a 13 week old baby is imho a bit irresponsible.

Pantah630 Tue 09-Apr-13 13:32:02

If he really wants a bike why didn't he have one before you met OP? Find this sudden desire to become a motorcyclist, later on really odd, this from a committed Biker btw. smile

YellowTulips Tue 09-Apr-13 14:02:02

Wmittens - I'll take your word on kit costs as DH isn't around, though I do feel I may have been oversold on the price of kit for him to get want he wants rather than needs based on your posts!grin

That being said I never begrudge what he spends on jackets/helmets/boots/gloves etc. I want him to have the best kit he can afford (I even bought him a heated inner jacket for Xmas that plugs into the bike to keep him warm)smile.

He uses his bike year round and thinks heated grips are a godsend!

My father used to ride up until
I was a year old and then stopped because my mother hated it and used the new baby argument.

When I met my DH my father ended up taking 3 only months to buy a new bike and get back into it after a 30 year break. He recently qualified as an advanced riding instructor smile - my mum tbh is less than thrilled but my Dad says he wishes he hadn't stopped in retrospect and though he would never say outloud a little bit resentful.

Having said that unlike the OP he had bikes pre me and pre my mum so that is perhaps the significant difference here.

Strangemagic Tue 09-Apr-13 14:07:25

My husband is 52 and has been riding motorcycles since he was legally able.We have 3 ds and would never dream of telling him that he couldn't ride his bike. YABU

YellowTulips Tue 09-Apr-13 14:18:38

If I told my DH "it's me or the Honda" he would laugh and go for a ride on his Ducati stopping in at my parents to check out my Dad's Aprila.grin

There are some battle you just can't win - does mean I get to choose the cars though smile

RevoltingPeasant Tue 09-Apr-13 14:36:33

Thing is, OP, it's not like he had a bike when he met you that he's now giving up.

My DH is very sensible and doesn't get het up about things. Just before Christmas he happened to be getting a bus into town which was following me on my morning commute on my (push) bike. He said his heart was in his mouth watching me pull out onto a massive laned roundabout.

These are legitimate things for Hs and Ws to worry about, and it doesn't make you unreasonable or weird. I am sufficiently uncontrolling that DH goes on holiday by himself - walking hols where he can't make contact due to no reception - but I'd baulk at this.

edwardsmum11 Tue 09-Apr-13 15:18:11

Yabu, I'm sure as a grown up hubby knows the risk. Although I would be concerned it was a midlife crisis if my hubby got 1.

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