To think it may never happen for me

(46 Posts)
Hiphopopotamus Sun 07-Apr-13 23:50:40

I'm scared.

I'm 25 years old. I'm not in a relationship. I live alone, in London, with an ok job. I have an ok social life with friends I meet up with.

I've always stuck to the feminist line - 'I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy' 'I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't fulfil me' 'my life would be perfectly complete without children'. And i stand by this. But I'm scared.

I want a child. I want to be in a happily married relationship. I want a partnership with someone that I can build a life with. I've even posted my hypothetical daughters name on this site to gauge an opinion!

Have I left it too late? Please, I really need some reassurance from people that were in a similar situation at 25. Is it too late? Should I have made this a priority before now?

I know this is aibu, so my aibu is this - aibu to think that marriage and a child will never happen for me?

YouTheCat Sun 07-Apr-13 23:52:32

You're 25 and have plenty of time. I wouldn't come at this with an agenda as you never know what, or who, is around the corner.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 07-Apr-13 23:52:44

You're 25. You have tons of time to find the right man and have babies. Please don't panic.

Flojobunny Sun 07-Apr-13 23:54:43

You're 25! Come back in ten years.

thornrose Sun 07-Apr-13 23:55:29

God you are far too young to panic.
I have one piece of advice, do not "settle" for someone in your panic. Believe that the right man will come along. You seriously do not need to worry yet.

mummymeister Sun 07-Apr-13 23:56:23

as others have said you have bags of time OP. but if you are really concerned then you can be a bit more proactive in finding a partner - if you live in London there is a club at Covent garden for singles where you go on group activities rather than dates. try doing some new social activities to meet up with new groups of friends. I felt like you at 25, mixed things up a bit and got married at 30.

MoominmammasHandbag Sun 07-Apr-13 23:57:12

Please tell me you are not serious Hipho. You are 25. You have all the time in the world you lucky cah. Seriously, at 25 I couldn't tell a good man from a bad one. Just have some fun for goodness sake.

madonnawhore Sun 07-Apr-13 23:58:59

I felt exactly the same at 25. And as a result I made a spectacularly bad choice in getting back together with an abusive ex who wasted another three years of my life.

Now I'm 33 and have an amazing DP and we're trying for a baby.

I know how you feel because I've been there too. But please, please, please take it from an old timer that 25 is NO AGE AT ALL.

Your twenties are supposed to young, single and carefree. Enjoy them and please don't worry. It will happen for you when the time is right.

Right now you need to focus on doing all the things you want to do.

Ponyo73 Mon 08-Apr-13 00:00:45

Dear Hip, as mum Mum would say to me and my mates, "you're still just babies"! Wish she would say that to me now but I'm 39! It will happen, lucky you! Enjoy this youth and freedom because it's so precious.

KC225 Mon 08-Apr-13 00:00:59

I agree you are very young, you've got loads of time. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to admit what you want, Maybe you need to relax, put yourself out there - youcat is right, don't go in with a agenda but give men a chance. Not everyone experiences love at first sight - some relationships are a growers.

Hiphopopotamus Mon 08-Apr-13 00:01:04

I am serious - it may sound stupid, but when I was younger, I thought that by 25, I'd have everything sorted - and I totally dont!

I'm just seeing friends and relatives around me get married and settled down, and it's not like I think I'm not quite there, it's that I think I'm not even a little bit close!

It's never been a priority for me, but I almost feel like I've got left behind, and it's my own fault for not having seen it as important.

I guess I'm just panicking a little...

MsVestibule Mon 08-Apr-13 00:02:19

I actually want to laugh out loud at the thought of a 25 yo thinking she's left it too late for marriage and kids! I was 34 when I met DH (through an online dating agency) and within 4 years, we were married and had 2 children. I know a lot of people pair up up in their 20s, but many don't.

You don't sound especially happy with your life, though, with your 'ok job and ok social life'. IMO, you need to be looking at changing your job (not as easy as it sounds, I know) and expanding your social life or developing new hobbies. One of my regrets about being single is not doing all of the things I now wish I had time for, e.g. college courses and hillwalking.

Hi smile I am "you", in ten years time, and it never did happen for me. I will risk the wrath of Mumsnet and say that the advice I would give to my younger self is to try and find someone now, someone you care about obviously, but it does get harder as you get older, or at least I have found this to be the case.

That said, it isn't all bad and I am planning a child alone and am very happy. But if you really think you'd like a partner then definitely look now rather than later, is all I am saying!

MerylStrop Mon 08-Apr-13 00:07:26

YABU
I was in a long term relationship at 25. Which I ended at 28.
Moved cities and jobs, met the man who would be DH at 30, had DS1 at 34, (and two more kids after that, and eventually got married)
Virtually no-one I know got married before 30, and the ones that did all got divorced. The only friends who had a child before 30 got pregnant by accident.
Be happy, enjoy being young and be open to things happening in their own sweet time.

KobayashiMaru Mon 08-Apr-13 00:08:34

You're 25. You're practically a foetus. Chill out, a whiff of desperation will kill any interest stone dead.

JassyRadlett Mon 08-Apr-13 00:09:05

I was not paired up at all at 25, and was deeply unhappy about it as I thought I'd missed the bus. I couldn't meet anyone, felt I was rubbish at relationships, etc etc. I moved halfway across the world at 26 to where I knew nobody.

Met DH when I was 29. Married at 32, and DS came along 11 months later.

I'm honestly glad I didn't meet DH until my late 20s, I had a much better handle on who I was and what I wanted from my own life at that point.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 00:12:47

I felt like you do at 25, really couldn't see where my life was going. Job but no career, dates but no relationship - I was really rudderless and starting to feel unhappy about that fact.

I quit my job and changed tack, and found something with more progression and satisfaction. 2 years later, as a direct result of that I met DH.
We got married 3 years later, and now have two lovely DCs. I quit work while I was on maternity leave, and now we run our own business.

You have so much time, but don't sit back and let things pass you by. If you aren't happy then change something.

KC225 Mon 08-Apr-13 00:13:13

We need more information. Have you had relationships? Are you meeting men you are interested in?

beals692 Mon 08-Apr-13 00:17:00

I think the average age to marry is now about 30 and a lot of women have their first babies in their 30s (or later). If all your friends are settled down and married at 25 then that's pretty unusual. If by 25, you've figured out that getting married and having children is a priority for you, that's great (a lot of people in their mid-20s - and later - don't really know what they want) but you've got plenty of time to find the right person for you (and to figure out what kind of person is right for you and how to successfully navigate relationships).

Angelico Mon 08-Apr-13 00:17:24

Of course YABU. Don't be bonkers - you've loads of time to settle down.

Use this time to do all the stuff you won't be able to do when you've settled down. Ten years ago I was travelling, working abroad, partying. Now I have a DH (met in 30's) and DC and it's not quite as simple... smile Try and enjoy yourself - and have to agree desperation is quite off-putting. Really, try and relax.

colleysmill Mon 08-Apr-13 00:19:29

At 24 I met a man who became an ex not as quickly as I would like history to rewrite.

I thought that was it for me at 27.

I met dh through the ex - best thing he ever did tbh. About a year after ex and I split I went on a date with now dh and 7 years on we are married with a ds. Dh was 35 at the time and MIL had given up hope of him settling down. But this only happened once I was happy in my own skin so to speak.

Initially people thought we were a bit mismatched but actually we complement each other and I see that as a strength.

Life and love often take us in directions we aren't expecting - 25 is still young enjoy it!

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:21:57

Don't panic and wait till it just feels right. One of my family rushed through in her teens to find the right guy and felt stuck with him for the next twenty five years. A friend if mine met someone at thirty two and is blissfully happy they waited to find the right person. Do t waste the next twenty years regreting.

kotinka Mon 08-Apr-13 00:23:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 08-Apr-13 00:35:08

It's said all the time, but seriously, just get out there and enjoy your life. You will find someone easier that way than by brooding or obsessing over it. The more you obsess, the more focused you get on that one thing, to the detriment of everything else. If you're enjoying your life and doing what you love, that confidence will spill over into other aspects of life, including potential relationships.

I was 25 when I decided to leave my job back home (in the US) to go travel and work in Australia for a year. I was having a wee not-midlife-crisis, had just broken up with someone useless, and was feeling that I just needed to Do Something. I met DH when I got home from that trip, purely by coincidence, doing something random. I wasn't looking for him.

My advice: accept invitations. To parties, to whatever. Don't make excuses not to go, just go. smile

kotinka Mon 08-Apr-13 00:37:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 08-Apr-13 00:41:59

oh and having a child with someone ties you to them in a way which no marriage license or house purchase could ever do. You can divorce, you can sell a house, but you will have to deal with the father of your child for at least 20 years, so choose wisely!

Not from personal experience but just from observations of people who don't want to 'commit' to buying a house together but have multiple children together. That's committing. wink

TheSloppelganger Mon 08-Apr-13 00:42:05

I must admit I felt like you do at your age. Most of my friends had paired off in their early twenties and lots of Wedding and even a few Christening invitations were starting to come my way in my mid-twenties, and I started to think there was something wrong with me, and I'd end up living alone with sixteen cats.

I also had an okay job rather than a fulfilling career, and my social life ended up being a bit sub-par as my friends were all too busy with husbands/boyfriends/babies to fit me in as much.

I shouldn't have worried so much, and I'm incredibly glad I didn't grab up any Mr-not-quite-rights in a fit of desperation.

I decided I couldn't do my dull job all my life without going more bonkers, so re-trained at 26, found a career I loved, made some new friends and through one of them I met a great guy. We are now married and recently started TTC our first child - (I'm almost 32 now.)

So I don't see why it can't happen for you.

reneaa2 Mon 08-Apr-13 02:20:43

Ok I don't think you have left things too late, however, having observed my friends (and long my own life) the time after 25 flies by and all of a sudden you will be in you 30s and people will be saying very very different things.

So I would say, use your time wisely. Don't waste your years. I have seen friends waste their 20s in a variety of ways. A few moved to work in places where they would have very few chances of meeting available/compatible men. Others wasted years on men who were not really 'available' or 'compatible' .

Don't panic and make silly choices but be aware that time isn't really on your side so make sure you make every decision with this in mind.

josiejay Mon 08-Apr-13 02:32:32

I'm in my 30s and of my friends who settled down on their early 20s they are almost all divorced and/or single parents now (not saying that's the case for everyone, I married young myself and we're still happily together, but it hasn't been plain sailing and ideally I think it would have been better if we'd met a little bit later, if I'm totally honest)

So what I'm trying to say is, just because friends of yours seem to have it all sorted it won't necessarily stay that way for them. I think a slight wobble in your mid twenties is not that unusual but whatever you do don't let your standards slip as a result.

babyradio Mon 08-Apr-13 02:38:21

There are plenty of wiser posters than me replying but your question has made me think.

I remember thinking when I was 13 that 25 would be a good age to get married and start a family. That's because at 13 everything over the age of 18 seems ancient. I'm 25 now and looking back I really understand how YOUNG 13 is! So I'm sure in another ten years I'll look back and think man... when I was 25 I was clueless...

For what it's worth I have never had an expectation of a perfect relationship etc as you describe, but I have friends who do and they just end up disappointed. One girl has her wedding picked out to the last detail, has her boyfriend proposed? Has he shite. She goes on about it all the time and it's so awkward. Another one would rather be with ANYONE than be single. That to me is so much worse than being by myself.

I met my boyfriend in January 2012, and in October I discovered I was pregnant. It all happened fast and is quite scary, but I love him completely and we'll manage. Perhaps in ten years things will be different between us, but there's no point worrying about it.

What I'm trying to say is that everything can change quicker than you think so please don't wish your life away waiting for something or worrying that something won't happen.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 08-Apr-13 05:36:23

I met my now dh when I was 27, and had my ds2 when I was 31. We were just friends for a year before it changed to "dating" rather than just hanging out with each other.

Eebahgum Mon 08-Apr-13 05:40:22

Too late? At 30 ish I was wondering if it'd ever happen for me. At 33 I met my wonderful dp. At 34 I had my gorgeous ds.

Timetoask Mon 08-Apr-13 06:01:34

Op, at 25 I would work on your own personal fulfilment first. Don't just have an ok job, look for a great job. Go travelling. Find a great hobby.
Everytng else will follow. It is much better to go I to a long term relationship once you have lived fully yourself.

Fairylea Mon 08-Apr-13 06:16:34

At 25??!!!

At 25 I was married with a dd.

At 28 I was divorced and thought my life was over.

At 29 I went completely mad and had a couple of teenage years. Drunk a lot. Had a lot of younger boyfriends.

At 30 I met my second husband on plenty of fish!

Fast forward a few years... I am happily married and now have ds 10 months.

You have plenty of time!! Don't spend your twenties worrying about it. Just meet lots of people and enjoy yourself. That's what I wish I'd done.

quesadilla Mon 08-Apr-13 06:42:48

25? This must be a wind-up.

Thumbwitch Mon 08-Apr-13 07:00:23

You might have thought that you would have it all sorted by 25 but then life happened.
I always thought I'd be a young mum - but didn't have DS1 until I was 40. Hey ho, eh?!

Just to repeat - you are still young. You have plenty of time. Go out more, socialise, join clubs (ones you are interested in, there's no point joining e.g. a cycling club, meeting someone who loves going cycling and getting together with him, and then realising that you loathe cycling)

At 25 I had been in my first relationship for 9y. At 27, that one was over, thankfully with no children and just prior to the wedding (phew!). I then reverted to teenage status and just went out and enjoyed myself with friends (admittedly most of whom were either still single or in non-longterm relationships) and did stuff I wanted to. Had a few boyfriends but nothing serious; then met DH when I was 35. I have to admit this was later than I would have liked, especially as he had plans that involved overseas living, hence not having DS1 until 40 and DS2 at 45. But still! I regret nothing.

neontetra Mon 08-Apr-13 07:16:45

I hadn't met DH at 25 (was still married to his predecessor, in fact), now at 34 an happily married to a nice man and have a great DD.

However, if you do feel ready to start looking for a life partner, I think you should try internet dating - so many of my friends of both genders who were ready to settle down met partners this way.

plaingirly Mon 08-Apr-13 07:23:38

I feel the same way. My friends are all having babies!!

Bought some slightly odd dating style books ....

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 08-Apr-13 07:57:04

YABU!

Sort your career out. Figure out what you want to do and do it. It should be interesting AND well-paid enough for you to have a comfortable life on just your income. The man stuff will happen later but if it doesn't, this way you'll be fine either way.

GizzaCwtch Mon 08-Apr-13 08:05:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmellieWellies Mon 08-Apr-13 08:05:52

YABU! At 25 I had never had a relationship, and when i was 30 i was starting to get really worried. Met DH at 30, married at 34,
You have lots of time. And what Holla says above.

Spero Mon 08-Apr-13 08:06:33

I was like you. Panicked at 29 because I wasn't married. Wasted lots of time with unsuitable idiots and probably did balls up my chances.

Now I look back and think how young and foolish I was and how I wish someone had told me just to calm down, stop worrying and try to figure out what I wanted rather than chasing this notion that you have to be in a relationship or your life lacks meaning.

Of course it must be lovely to meet someone who loves you and is on your Team but worrying about it is futile and actually quite destructive, at least in my experience.

You really are very, very young but I appreciate you may not accept this until you are looking back on your life 20 years from now. Don't force it, don't panic - like others have said, concentrate on living a good, full life, do things that interest you, find out what you really like, don't make decisions that isolate you from change or meeting people.

The time to worry is definitely NOT now.

SmellieWellies Mon 08-Apr-13 08:09:24

I agree with Spero also. My best friend was really worried at about your age and panicking, so she married the first man who would marry her. It really was a disaster. (Is still a disaster, she does not believe in divorce so they have been desperately unhappy for 16 years now... they detest each other. It is just a tragic waste of two people's lives.)

KayHunt Mon 08-Apr-13 08:09:51

YABU. Enjoy your life now, make the most of it and a relationship and everything else will fall into place.

Hanging onto the nearest man is not advisable, you'll only end up unhappy.

You are still young, please don't sweat the small stuff.

N0tinmylife Mon 08-Apr-13 08:15:16

When I was 25 I hadn't had a relationship lasting more than 6 months. I was starting to think I just couldn't do relationships. I decided to make the most of being single, and tried to forget about it. At 27 I met DH, now at 37 I am a happily married Mum of 1.

I remember how frustrating it can be. I wish now that I could have known the future, so I could have relaxed and enjoyed being single! I think that YANBU to think it might not happen for you, but it is far more likely that it will, so for now try to enjoy the freedom you have!wink

StormyBrid Mon 08-Apr-13 08:26:21

Well, you've probably got over twenty years to go before the menopause, so I wouldn't rule out babies just yet. smile

At 25 I was thinking I'd be single and surrounded by cats forever. Was quite resigned to the fact, although it got me down when I thought about how my sister and my mother both had their first babies at 25 and I wasn't going to be doing the same. Turned 26, met a nice bloke, decided to give him a go, made it clear early on I was aiming for something long-term with kids rather than a fling. DD turned up a month ago. I'll be 28 in a few weeks.

So you never know what's round the corner. Keep an open mind, give people a chance, enjoy yourself, and get lots of sleep while you can, because when you do meet the right chap and have babies it will be a scarce luxury.

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