To think posting about your pregnancy on social networks is insensitive?

(210 Posts)
ivanapoo Sun 07-Apr-13 18:59:06

I don't mean the odd post here and there, I mean daily or more frequent updates/photos of scans, things you've bought or made for the baby, the "delicious" glass of Appletize you're enjoying, how sick you're feeling, how big your bump is, and so on ad infinitum?

Not only is it more boring than a parking thread on AIBU for all the friends in whose newsfeeds your updates appear, but for many women of childbearing age there's a good chance your peers/friends may be TTC, or unable to conceive, or wishing they had a partner to conceive with.

Almost as bad are the parents who detail every tiny little boring thing their child has done that day. I'm still waiting for someone to Instagram a picture of their baby's shitty nappy.

wonderingsoul Sun 07-Apr-13 18:59:56

ybu

ilovechips Sun 07-Apr-13 19:01:42

Either de-friend or hide from your news feed if you don't like it, people can write what they like on their own wall! YABU

LadyStark Sun 07-Apr-13 19:02:33

YABU

I mean, it's dull as fuck, but you can't expect people not to post these things just in case someone is TTC etc.

Filibear Sun 07-Apr-13 19:03:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Snoopingforsoup Sun 07-Apr-13 19:03:23

It is insensitive to those struggling, but then I could apply that to much of the bragging that goes on.
I guess people just get so excited and they don't think.

ValarMorGoolis Sun 07-Apr-13 19:03:33

YABU.

Hide them.

It's difficult for you, and I'm sorry that it is, however someone else's joy isn't aimed at making you unhappy.

Iggi101 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:03:54

It is boring and insensitive. Hide them if it upsets you.

YABVU.

Maybe we should all hide our kids in cupboards incase they offend someone eh?

Fanjounchained Sun 07-Apr-13 19:04:37

YABU.....and rather nasty if I'm completely honest, especially regarding the last comment about the baby shit. For some women, especially first time Mums, every burp, fart and poo is a wonderful thing. If you don't like it, block them. I know with DS I was in awe of him for about the first year but now that I have two I realise that not everyone appreciates this.

Do you have kids of your own btw ?

MajaBiene Sun 07-Apr-13 19:05:19

YABU - if you don't want to read about it then hide it.

You could argue the same about able-bodied people posting about their hobby of mountain climbing or something.

maddening Sun 07-Apr-13 19:05:42

The world can't pretend they aren't pregnant so as not to offend.

Where does it stop - you can't post about holidays and excitement about a new purchase incase someone has less money and can't afford hols etc <disclaimer : I don't post this stuff but people do and it doesn't bother me one way or another> - etc etc

Yabu - you can't censor life to risk offending. Although you might look a tit or bore others constantly posting it all.

KayHunt Sun 07-Apr-13 19:05:55

YABU. Everything we all do could be insensitive to someone else, we can't all worry about offending someone.

Hide them.

Tee2072 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:06:28

YABU

sjupes Sun 07-Apr-13 19:06:49

Nearly every one of my status are pregnancy related. I am happy to be ignored or hidden - my rough days/good days/ability to cook for the first time in 5 weeks/shopping sprees etc are boring as all hell i agree but it's my page and if someone on there doesn't like it then i'd expect them to ignore/hide me.

Raining on a pregnant ladys parade is not on - it's not their fault others may have problems.. it sounds selfish but wanting people not to post pregnancy related things on their own wall is also selfish.

AnyFucker Sun 07-Apr-13 19:07:05

I simply defriend boring twats like that

and yes, I would have found it insensitive when I was going through my own private hell of infertility, but that would be my issue

in fact, I am glad there was no FB back then

Still18atheart Sun 07-Apr-13 19:07:30

I can see where you are coming from but yabu

Fanjounchained Sun 07-Apr-13 19:07:37

At the risk of sounding insensitive myself (!) how can it be insensitive to post these pictures ? Unless a friend who is ttc has asked that you do not discuss your pregnancy or anything baby related, are you supposed to go into hiding if you're pregnant or hide your bump if you're expecting ? Where exactly do you draw the line ? I can see the argument if someone is being deliberately insensitive but when someone is simply in love with their new baby and wanting to shout it from the rooftops then just let them get on with it...

seriouscakeeater Sun 07-Apr-13 19:08:02

YABU hide the news feed.

SilveryMoon Sun 07-Apr-13 19:08:25

YABU.
As someone who has had a few mc's I know it can be hard to see pregnant women and babies everywhere, but life goes on.
The world does not stop turning because there are people who struggle in certain aspects of life.
Should people not post anything about spending the day with their mum/dad/grandparents etc in case someone sees it who has lost a loved one?
I understand it must be hard to have things forced on you that might make you sad/upset/offended, but for the people posting, they want to share their joy and happiness.

Happymum22 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:09:38

I think sometimes people can go over the top e.g. photo of baby bump growing... but generally YABU.

If the things you described are all offensive and boring then surely most things are offensive and boring on FB.
How is such photos different to someone posting pictures of parties they've been to, a new house being decorated, holiday snaps, christmas etc.. and status updates about a new job, being unwell or your dinner. All these have potential to be offensive or upsetting, pretty much everything in life does. There needs to be a balance between being sensitive (e.g. if you know someone has recently found they can't conceive or has lost their job or whatever- don't post something related soon after) and the 'receiver' not allowing jealousy or small things to upset them unnecessarily and recognising everyone has fortunate and misfortune in their lives. The person posting it isn't purposely rubbing it in your face.

e.g. someone who isn't able to go to parties due to not being able to afford it or a caring responsibility.
Someone who cannot afford their own home or re-decoration, or is it showing off that you can afford it?
Holiday snaps similarly- are they bragging and insensitive to those who can't afford the same.
Christmas- is that showing off or insensitive to people who don't have the same family set up as you to celebrate with...

I think most of these are just life and people sharing news, exciting or funny things. Pregnancy is no different.

HTH

MrsBungle Sun 07-Apr-13 19:10:41

YABU. People are allowed to be excited and to write about it on their own FB page. Hide or de-friend if you don't like it.

I am shock that you think AIBU parking threads are boring!

I do understand what you're saying but YABU, sorry. Should no one ever post anything that could make someone feel bad, like about their partner or holiday or new car or new house?

The hide option on Facebook is brilliant smile

thermalsinapril Sun 07-Apr-13 19:10:44

YANBU. It's like those awful Christmas round robins, the information doesn't consider the feelings of the individual recipient at all. Nothing wrong with enjoying a pregnancy and celebrating etc. and hoping others will share your happiness - but ONLY if you are equally considerate to those who aren't as lucky in return.

KitchenandJumble Sun 07-Apr-13 19:11:25

YABU. And I say that as someone who has had to deal with the hell of infertility for many years. Sometimes it is very difficult for me to hear about friends' pregnancies, even though I am genuinely pleased for them. But I realise that my emotional response is entirely my issue. I would never want others to feel they have to silence themselves on my account.

YABVU. Stop following them or hide their feed. It is not meant as a personal insult and if you find it upsetting, stop reading it.

Theicingontop Sun 07-Apr-13 19:12:15

I have friends who are desperately trying to conceive, and friends who're having their last chance at IVF - but sorry, it would never occur to me to censor myself.

I won't be posting scan pictures or pregnancy related statuses this time, just like I didn't last time, but that's because I don't think it's anyone else's business. I don't see why a woman would be insensitive for doing so, though.

Yes and people who post about their weddings are insensitive because some people aren't married, and people who post that they are cooking are insensitive because some peoples cookers are broken, and people who post about getting their nails done are insensitive because my nails always break.....

I have had more than my fair share of heartache over being pregnant and having babies but that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others.

TryingtobelessChunkyChick Sun 07-Apr-13 19:13:42

All "updates" can be boring/insensitive/pointless to different people, all depending on your POV, yet people still do it. If you don't like social networks, opt out. YABU.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:14:17

I know exactly what you mean my friend has just had a miscarriage I'm about to announce I'm pregnant and won't be doing via a social network or through my Nct group email which was my original plan because it would be insensitive, instead I'm just telling people as I meet them or phone them etc.?the really boring stuff about what funny little thing your 4 year old said today update and a picture of them eating spag Bol bores me I think those photos and stories are for granny's and family rather thuan friends who have or have not got kids even more boring for people who don't have kids! They've always bored me anyway before and since I have kids.

pictish Sun 07-Apr-13 19:14:42

Yabu - none of us can be responsible for everyone we know's problems, while posting on facebook.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 07-Apr-13 19:16:03

I think there's a balance. I'm now very pregnant after a long time TTC, I have many friends on FB who are struggling with infertility (quite a few who I know through MN). I will post about being pregnant, because I am! and yes, it's at the forefront of my mind. But I try not to make it the only thing I post about. I also try not to whinge too much because I know some people who would do anything to be in my position!

currentbuns Sun 07-Apr-13 19:16:13

Where would you draw the line? If one were to pursue this line of reasoning further, people would be considered "insensitive" if they talked about their new job - because someone else might be unemployed, or to post pictures of a holiday - because others might not be able to afford similar, or of their wedding - because others might be single & lonely etc etc etc

After almost 6 years TTC myself and a couple of MCs I would often get upset when ever I seen another pregnancy announcement on FB. I learnt to just hide the post, or temporarily hide the individual if they persistently posted.
I Did ensure that I gave my congrats where they were due and not resent anyone for their happiness.

I am pleased to say that I am now 41 weeks Pg with DC1 and have posted a few comments or photos on FB relating to our expected DC mainly to keep those I don't see often updated, but also to share our excitement with those who are bothered!

So, I've seen it from both sides, and I have been conscious about the feelings of others, but this is a good thing - I should be allowed to share. smile

nenevomito Sun 07-Apr-13 19:19:03

How do you know how long they've been trying? Had a friend who posted a million times a day when pg and even more now the baby's arrived, but they'd been trying for 15 years before yet another expensive round of IVF finally worked. Couldn't really blame em.

YABU, my DD is going through treatment and just had surgery for PCOS and Endrometreosis (sp), she enjoys sharing the pregnancy's of her friends, as do the family members of the woman posting. It is so easy to hide their posts that consideration for anyone feeling jealous shouldn't be on their mind. They should be able to enjoy their pregnancy to the hilt, it doesn't mean that they will ever have another one just because they got pregnant. The world is full of children, you have to get over any infertility issues to allow those around you to function normally.

OxfordBags Sun 07-Apr-13 19:21:41

YABU. I have physical disabilities - I don't get worked up over friends posting statuses about a great workout or pictures of them running half marathons, etc. Like currentbuns says, everything could be insensitive to others; another example is that I have a friend whose sister recently died and she had an unusual name. Coincidentally, we have a mutual friend with the same unusual name. You could use your argument to say that the friend with the unusual name should name change so as not to 'rub it in' to her grieving pal.

TTC and infertility are terrible; it took me ages to conceive my one and only child, so I do know what it feels like, but the world can't stop turning for one person's private anguish.

specialsubject Sun 07-Apr-13 19:23:03

Don't get this at all. Surely part of growing up is recognising that other people will sometimes have what you can't have. And being happy for them.

Viviennemary Sun 07-Apr-13 19:24:19

YABU. If people want to then it's up to them. Just don't read it if you would rather not.

forgetmenots Sun 07-Apr-13 19:24:53

YABU I'm afraid. I was TTC for over a year and yes reading some updates was painful. Now I'm expecting I don't do it very often. But everyone is entitled to share their pregnancy as they please, if it offends you don't read it or hide it.

For some people, the internet is how they keep in touch with family who are too far away to go and see. When my SIL was pregnant I would have loved to keep meeting up for coffee and getting up the gossip (which I'm sure is boring if you're not very involved!). But she was on the other side of the world. So it was the internet or nothing, really.

rabbitonthemoon Sun 07-Apr-13 19:25:37

OP in the midst of infertility, my experience of Facebook has changed considerably. Or maybe its because facebook is 7 years on now and i feel meh about it. Whilst trying to ttc all of my close friends have conceived and are now on the way to no 2. I don't begrudge their photos, nor do I want to hide them. They all live in far flung places and it keeps us closer. But if I do become pregnant I won't be sharing a scan photo or announcement and I think I would have done if I'd conceived easily. I've walked on the other side now and feel hyper aware of impact. Indeed I rarely status update anymore. If people you know are posting minutiae I don't think yabu to wish they'd shush a bit.

usualsuspect Sun 07-Apr-13 19:27:10

Yabu

NotSoNervous Sun 07-Apr-13 19:27:53

YABU

usualsuspect Sun 07-Apr-13 19:28:03

Although people are insensitive when they post pictures of cake when I haven't got any.

catgirl1976 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:28:37

YABU

That's the whole point of Facebook. It's an on-line journal for people to publish their thoughts, photos and life events.

I can understand it's upsetting when other people are pg and you are ttc, but you might as well say pg women and women with babies should stay indoors in case they upset people who are ttc or cannot have children etc

I do appreciate other peoples children are a bit dull, but you can't change how people feel about their own offspring

There is a 'hide' function and a 'defriend' option

SuffolkNWhat Sun 07-Apr-13 19:30:10

YABU I will be announcing mine shortly and I'll be very sorry if it offends anyone but what they won't know is our issues with secondary infertility and the heartache we've been through to conceive DC2. So I'll announce it where and when I like. FB is easiest as my family and friends are all over the world.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sun 07-Apr-13 19:30:27

YABU and you know it.

We all struggle with different things and people can't be expected to sensor what they write on facebook for each and every 'friend' they have can they?

I loathe and detest facebook & the like - but people are entitled to post what the hell they like, you can always hide the shite you don't want to see.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sun 07-Apr-13 19:31:20

Suffolk - CONGRATULATIONS!!! grin

Altinkum Sun 07-Apr-13 19:31:30

YABU, where does it stop if you take this way of thinking...

Tigresswoods Sun 07-Apr-13 19:34:34

I was you 4 years ago.

I hide numerous friends on FB who were driving me nuts.

Now I have become one of those irritating people.

Sorry. hmm

lljkk Sun 07-Apr-13 19:34:54

It's a bit boring to share much detail (I knew a lady who showed off pix of her child's poo explosion hmm). So I'm kind of half yanbu, because anyone who posts huge detail is being a certain kind of insensitive. But easy enough to adjust your newsfeed, no?

IvorHughJangova Sun 07-Apr-13 19:35:16

YABU. How do you know that they've not struggled to get there, that their pride isn't influenced by the same feelings that you're suggesting they trample on in their joy? My DS is my miracle babe, my only child and the only child I will ever have. No one but DH and a few very close family members know what I have been through to have him and it's pretty horrible to think that someone else would begrudge me my happiness. If someone's facebook posts bore/offend you, block. You sound far too thin-skinned for social networks.

SuffolkNWhat Sun 07-Apr-13 19:35:55

Thanks grin we're thrilled

sweetiepie1979 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:36:47

Of course your all right you should and can celebrate its just a matter of thinking of others feelings a little bit I think. Taste tactfulness, But I certain ly won't be announcing after my friend has miscarried but even if she hadn't I think been aware of others issues and I think it is a private sort of thing pregnancy anyway . But if I got an amazing new job I wouldn't announce it via Facebook either it's all a bit showy and boastful.

YABU and silly

HollyBerryBush Sun 07-Apr-13 19:39:47

YABU. People have lives, they shouldn't have to hide a normal everyday occurrence in case it offends someone.

If someone finds their pregnant 'friend' offensive, they should have the decency to tell them why they are so offensive and defriend them to save their own sensibilities.

starfield Sun 07-Apr-13 19:40:20

I agree with you but facebook is essentially self-promotion anyway. And you're not coming across as very gracious either!

sweetiepie1979 Sun 07-Apr-13 19:43:26

Yes at the end of the day Starfield has hit the nail on the head, Facebook is self promotion and if that offends you have to come off it that's what I did.

Rosduk Sun 07-Apr-13 19:44:28

We lost our newborn son last year. It's like someone has stabbed me in the heart everytime a friend posts a newborn pic, however, I just hide the post if it's too upsetting.

CornflowerB Sun 07-Apr-13 19:46:15

But this is the whole problem with Facebook. In RL we share different amounts of information in different ways with the different people in our lives. We filter it according to the person you are communicating with, or at least you do if you any ounce of sensitivity. So you might share the details of your pregnancy with your mum or you best friend, but not with your infertile friend. But on Facebook it's just blah blah blah look at meeee everyone! Everyone seems to imagine that their life is some kind of interesting film. It's not! Most people's lives are really boring, apart from to their mum/ best friend etc! So save the detail for them. I loathe it so much. Just stop showing off everyone and learn a bit of discretion.

ChairmanWow Sun 07-Apr-13 19:48:04

I'm 50:50 on this. On the one hand I think a pregnancy announcement, scan photos and the odd update are fine, plus obvs some newborn pics but I've also had a couple of friends describe everything in minute detail and it's so bloody tedious and irritating. I've been through a miscarriage so know how hurtful these updates can be. I also have friends who after 5 years haven't conceived and I feel awkward referring to pregnancy/kids. But they usually 'like' or comment on my posts. I've just had my second child and yes, every tiny thing they do is miraculous and amazing but not to anyone else.

On the other hand this is the kind of shit FB is about for a lot of people. Think of the friends who post updates like 'just had a lovely roast dinner. Time for a snooze'. It's full of mundane bollocks. Hide this person if they're getting on your tits. If you comment on it negatively it will reflect badly on you, even if it's what everyone else is thinking.

JaquelineHyde Sun 07-Apr-13 19:54:24

This is like saying no one can ever talk about or post pictures of wedding plans, engagements or wedding days just incase someone they know may be having marital or relationship problems or suffereing with loneliness etc.

What a ridiculous thing to expect.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 07-Apr-13 19:55:07

You sound over sensitive - which is understandable if you're having fertility issues yourself but YABU.

We can't help our feelings, but truely we have to direct them elsewere if it's our issue. Hide the posts, come on here and have a rant, but don't expect the world to spin at your speed.

If you are having problems, I wish you the best and hope that you're soon the one posting incessently from your happy little bubble.

Crawling Sun 07-Apr-13 20:00:23

Yabu I find updates about developmental milestones upsetting as I have a sn dd who hasnt hit most of them. Everything is upsetting to someone.

EuroShaggleton Sun 07-Apr-13 20:02:08

I think it's all about moderation. Some pregnant women/new mothers go completely overboard and it is frankly dull as fuck as well as hurtful to some readers.

Like rabbit if I had become pregnant easily, I would probably have posted about it thoughtlessly. Now I feel like it would be showing off photos of my diamond shoes to a group of people who may be struggling to feed themselves. I have just mc'd my first pregnancy and gave some thought about how I would deal with announcing it, and I concluded I'd just tell people IRL as late as possible and keep it off FB as much as possible. FWIW, because I have been open about my infertility, I have become aware that three of my female FB friends have had IVF too - that's out of 100 or so FB friends, many of whom are male. So there is a good chance that those of you posting scan updates and so on have a few sobbing friends on the other side of your computer screens.

roastednut Sun 07-Apr-13 20:14:44

It is a difficult one. We are facing the prospect of not having kids due to infertility and whilst I don't begrudge friends announcements some times its a bit OTT. I have a friend who has literally posted every aspect of her pregnancy, think 'photo behind tree just showing bump' and the like. But whilst I wouldn't post as much as she has (coz its dull as fk) I think I'm just jealous tbh. I don't like scan photos much, and I'd like to think I'd be pretty sensitive if it were to happen to us now, but I can't say I'd hide it on fb if I were to get some good news.

It is so hard. Sometimes I wish I could just leave fb altogether but I'm just too nosey perhaps smile

StephaniePowers Sun 07-Apr-13 20:17:44

I am very happy for pregnant people to post, but I find it nearly impossible to look at scan pictures, having had a the sad sort of scan where there is a definite baby but no heartbeat. Of course people post scan pictures at about the same stage of development (around nuchal scan time) and it floors me.
It was years ago, as well.
Unfortunately one comes across them all the time, I do wish people would think.

thermalsinapril Sun 07-Apr-13 20:26:29

Facebook aside, it's the one-sidedness which can be upsetting, for someone faced with year after year of everyone else's pregnancies, never their own.

If those same friends are as sad for you as you are happy for them, then that's a good friendship. But if they expect you to revel in every detail of their own pregnancy while at the same time dismissing your own heartbreaking situation and giving you no time, then they're not a good friend.

MixedBerries Sun 07-Apr-13 20:29:54

YABVU. This is life. Other people have babies. It's rather strange to want to ruin the joy for everyone else. Of course I feel for those who can't have them but it's a bit like someone in a wheelchair ranting about the gall of others to walk around using their legs!

I like that Filibear, their joy is not your pain.

Yabu.

CognitiveOverload Sun 07-Apr-13 20:31:54

Yabu. Let them celebrate.

crashdoll Sun 07-Apr-13 20:34:05

YABU - lots of things are heartbreaking for lots of people.

thermalsinapril Sun 07-Apr-13 20:35:17

Infertility is a bit like everyone else expecting you to enjoy watching them eat their birthday cake, when they know full well you've been hoping it will be your birthday one year, but it never is.

They clearly expect you to show great enthusiasm and attention (and get rather snippy if you can't manage it) yet often show no reciprocal interest in your own situation.

Instead they say "cake isn't really that great anyway" - so why did they choose it themselves?

Or they tell you not to be bitter and you can't always have what you want - easy to say when you're one of the lucky ones, isn't it?

BlackMaryJanes Sun 07-Apr-13 20:43:04

Infertility is a bit like everyone else expecting you to enjoy watching them eat their birthday cake, when they know full well you've been hoping it will be your birthday one year, but it never is.

sad That is so sad, and true.

LooseyMy Sun 07-Apr-13 20:45:15

YABU. You could say it is insensitive of people to post their weddings pictures/updates, to people who are divorced or who have lost partners or are in abusive relationships (or people like me who have given up hope of ever having a loving relationship- forever alone!).

CloudsAndTrees Sun 07-Apr-13 20:52:08

YABU. Use the very useful hide function that Facebook have kindly provided you with.

JethroTull Sun 07-Apr-13 20:56:59

YABU. We were TTC for almost 4 years. I'm now amazingly pregnant with the help of IVF. I did comment about it (once) on FB. Yes, I thought about other people that were still TTC but hoped that they also knew how hard it had been for us to have this success & hoped they would be happy for us.

FB is for 'friends' to connect. If you're not happy for your 'friends' maybe you should think about why you can see their newsfeed?

idiuntno57 Sun 07-Apr-13 21:08:06

YABU I am afraid.

Facebook provides you with the tools to manage what you see. Use them.

I am sometimes jealous of the lives I belive my friends are leading through the rose tinted specs of Facebook. Because I care for them I can overcome those feelings. End of.

HTH
smile

elQuintoConyo Sun 07-Apr-13 21:09:43

Don't post about your holiday, I'm jealius that I can't afford it.
Stop complaining about the snow, I'd fucking love some, sick of this Mediterranean sun, me.
Stop posting about getting drunk, dong stupid things to the dog and passing out in the big with your knickers down.
Stop posting about your pets.
Stop complaining about your job, at least you've got one.
Stop posting pictures of the fabulous things you've painted/sewed/cooked, I'm untalented and jealous.

Stop complaining about things people put on FB: hide their status updates, unfriend them or be happy for them.

midori1999 Sun 07-Apr-13 21:11:15

Congratulations Jethro! smile

OP, YABU. Sadly for those who are having problems concieving or who have lost a baby (I have been there) there are pregnant women bloody everywhere. At least on Facebook you can hide a newsfeed, you can't go out with your eyes covered. I like seeing about my friends' pregnancies anyway, although I do agree it's possible for people to mention it too much or get a bit boring, but that's Facebook!

elQuintoConyo Sun 07-Apr-13 21:11:32

jealous doing bog terrible spellings, must edit better!

exoticfruits Sun 07-Apr-13 21:12:21

I can't say more than elQuinto- it is quite incredible how FB upsets people- you don't have to be on there!

MintyyAeroEgg Sun 07-Apr-13 21:14:01

Yanbu. Facebook is full of posts that are deeply insensitive to some of the people reading them. But asking people to moderate all their posting in view of that is bu, I'm afraid.

Uppermid Sun 07-Apr-13 21:16:34

Yabcompletelyu.

ReindeerBollocks Sun 07-Apr-13 21:18:27

A little sensitive Yabu.

It's not easy though, I remember having to grin and bear it when a good friend told me she was pregnant the day after I miscarried. My heart broke - despite being over the bloody moon for her.

But FB - or brag book if you will- is a place for sharing, so people will. Doesn't stop it from upsetting you but I'm sure they wouldn't intend to do so.

Bodicea Sun 07-Apr-13 21:27:28

I am I the fence. Having had two miscarriages in 2012 I found Facebook very dufficult for a while and I stopped going on altogether. I gradually went back on and just hid the posts of the worst offending baby bores.
I can understand why they do it though as when you are pregnant you are all consumed and I imagine when you are I maternity leave your baby is your world so what else are you going to talk about, it's not like you have lots of exciting nights out to post about!
Now I am newly pregnant again I will eventually post something about being pregnant although not till very late as obviously dont want to jinx and I will try my best to have a reasonably balanced amount of baby/nonbaby related posts.
I do however intend to keep my profile picture as myself not my baby - at the very most me holding baby. On some people profiles they appear to cease being a person in their own right, once they have a child, you can't find a single pic of them which I find bizarre.

Bodicea Sun 07-Apr-13 21:30:13

Please excuse bad grammar fat fingers on iPhone x

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 07-Apr-13 21:33:15

Hope all goes smoothly this time Bodicea.

WeAreEternal Sun 07-Apr-13 21:34:40

YABVVU

One of my closest friends has been TTC for 5 years, she has suffered 8 miscarriages inc two late stage MC.

She is as thrilled as the rest of us when another friend announces a pregnancy and happily posts on their pictures and updates.
Yes of course she is a little sad for herself but that is far overtake by the happiness for a friend.

I would also love another baby, but because of DPs job and the fact that is isn't going to be home until Christmas it is not the right time.
I do feel pangs of jealousy when I see a friend posting about their pregnancy, but I am so happy for them.

If you don't like the updates defriend them.

DoJo Sun 07-Apr-13 21:39:12

YABU for thinking that there aren't posts of babies' shitty nappies out there doing the rounds - have you not seen www.stfuparentsblog.com/?

yousankmybattleship Sun 07-Apr-13 21:43:53

YUBVU. I struggled for years and years with infertility and I can honestly say that other people's pregnancies never brought me anything but happiness. Good news is good news, it doesn't matter what is going on in your life. If you really can't deal with it, hide it, but also think about what kind of person that makes you.

mameulah Sun 07-Apr-13 21:44:42

I TOTALLY agree with you! YANBU!!!!!

Maggie111 Sun 07-Apr-13 21:45:03

YANBU - you should be respectful. I'm pregnant and have written a few updates about the pregnancy on fb, I'm very aware that people on my feed will be TTC and hurt - I always consider that before I post.

For some reason I think the frequency can increase once the baby arrives - but still, not mush every day. But then I hate it when I get lots of updates about any one topic - like going on holiday or dieting. It's like "I get it already! Shut up!"

shellbu Sun 07-Apr-13 21:48:37

i dont think its insensitive , but it is as boring as hell ,once the baby is here though they wont have time to update everyday ,its almost as boring as peoples countdowns to their holiday smile

shesariver Sun 07-Apr-13 21:53:09

YAB completely U - so do you think everyone who is pregnant shouldn't post a thing about it for fear of upsetting someone who wants to be but is not? Life doesn't work like that. if that was the case then everything would be insensitive to someone - e.g I would take great offense and find it very insensitive to see peoples pictures with their Mums because mine is dead. Sadly life doesn't stop no matter how bad we can feel about something and it certainly doesn't mean others don't have the right to be happy - and share this happiness if that's what they want.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sun 07-Apr-13 21:55:24

I had a miscarriage last year and my friend's sister was also pregnant at the same time - I just hid her posts from my newsfeeds for a few months until I felt able to handle seeing them.

Should people not post any mention about their Dads because my Dad died and I miss him and sometimes seeing people with their Dads makes me sad?!!!!

Op YABU although I do agree that the relentless updates numerous times a day about their baby can get a little dull

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 07-Apr-13 22:22:41

YABU. It's incredibly dull but that is all.

flaminhoopsaloolah Sun 07-Apr-13 22:27:10

YABU - you can't help other people's misfortunes. Would it be reasonable for someone who was pregnant to be upset with a friend who couldn't conceive who was posting her sadness on FB because said friend was making pregnant person feel guilty for being pregnant? Or a friend who was posting about her grief about recently losing her baby? It's all give and take.

zeeboo Sun 07-Apr-13 22:28:43

Oh for goodness sake. The reason OP that I posted every second of my pregnancy and my daughters babyhood on Facebook is because of 3 years of secondary infertility, 3 miscarriages and 2 gynaecological operations.
After that I was bloody excited and thrilled. And you think I don't understand the pain of miscarriage or infertility??
I stand by my approach to Facebook. It's my space on the Internet, I will say and post what I like as long as it isn't genuinely offensive. If you don't like it, then un-friend me. Simple as that.

SatsukiKusukabe Sun 07-Apr-13 22:53:58

it's dull as fuck and yes insensitive. I had a few friends at how hard it was while we were going through infertile reading about everyone's every second of pregnancy.... and then when they got pregnant they did exactly the sane hmm it felt like a knife everytime I had to read it or the suprise reveals.

exoticfruits Sun 07-Apr-13 22:59:15

Un friend them- hide them.

SatsukiKusukabe Sun 07-Apr-13 23:01:47

wish people would stop comparing it to not having a the money to go on holiday or a nice car.. really shows a total lack of empathy.

TiredFeet Sun 07-Apr-13 23:06:02

When I was struggling to conceive I just hid people if I struggled with their posts.
I try and be considerate but equally I have friends and family living far away who only go on facebook to see pictures of my DS. Some of those 'inconsiderate' posters my have struggles to conceive themselves you know. In fact that is true for some of the most prolific posters on facebook that I know

elQuintoConyo Sun 07-Apr-13 23:12:09

Hear hear, zeeboo

Satsuki I'm not comparing it to having money and I don't lack empathy, thanks.

It's fucking faceachebook, if you don't want to /can't stomach reading it, block/hide updates or stop using it, no one has a gun to your head.

I have recently hidden threads from my DSil as it shits all over my life. I'm happy for her but I can't read about it every day.

sudaname Sun 07-Apr-13 23:18:26

This reminds me of the time l worked in an office when l was an effortlessly skinny bint. One of the women very arsily asked me to stop eating cakes/crisps/whatever in her view (she sat more or less opposite me] as 'it wasn't fair' as she was always dieting and struggled with her weight. But l still had to watch her eating her salads,fruit,lean chicken etc depending what diet she was on at the time and then presumably go elsewhere to eat mine out of sight .
Thing is, it was like she was making her struggle with her weight my problem and to expect people to hide their children in case someone ttc for example sees them and gets upset is similarly unreasonable.

sudaname Sun 07-Apr-13 23:19:47

Note the past tense with the 'effortlessly skinny' sad

givemeaclue Sun 07-Apr-13 23:20:12

Yanbu, its dull

YABU. DD's birth was an awful experience for me. I find the first baby photos of happy, glowing mum holding their baby galling, along with the stock phrase "mother and baby both doing well" as you couldn't have said that about us for months after DD was born and I think I will carry that sadness about DD's first months forever. But I couldn't possibly expect people to not post the photos or say what they like. I didn't post about my pregnancy, but that was just a personal preference. I am tempted to post about how great DD is pretty much every day and I do it because I don't want to bore people.

Iggi101 Sun 07-Apr-13 23:34:16

"If you really can't deal with it, hide it, but also think about what kind of person that makes you" Yousankmybattleship - did you mean to be so rude? Everyone processes suffering/grief differently. For many, being happy (in private) for others is just not possible - or is at least mixed with much sadness.

SatsukiKusukabe Sun 07-Apr-13 23:41:09

well if you didn't say it elquinto why did you assume I was talking to you? confused

Iggi101 Sun 07-Apr-13 23:56:28

Someone on my fb has recently suffered a bereavement. There are quite a few photos, general boring shite about my life I would have normally uploaded, but haven't out of I suppose respect for them. By some of the comments on this thread though that isn't my problem, I should post what I like and they can always hide me. I disagree.
In RL you would chat about your pg with certain friends. You'd say less in front of your great-uncle or your sister suffering from infertility. On fb they all get to hear the same. This is how problems arise.
Join one of the ante-natal threads here if you want to talk about every minute of the pg!

Ouchmyhead Mon 08-Apr-13 00:02:49

I have a friend that does it, I don't find it insensitive - just really annoyoying, and I personally don't think she should be posting so many pictures of her children online, but I just hide her feeds. I don't appreciate a photo an hour of her children and what they're doing, but if she wants to do it that's her decision!

SquirrelNuts Mon 08-Apr-13 00:06:11

YABU, when i first fell pregnant i knew that one of my fb friends had just lost her baby so i didnt advertise it, however you cant expect people to hide there happiness incase it upsets someone.

exoticfruits Mon 08-Apr-13 07:32:06

It could get to the point where you can't post anything. e.g. If it had been around when I was widowed were people supposed to suppress any news or photos of themselves as a couple? When I had to have my cat put down was that insensitive for people to post funny photos of their cat? Should people post photos of their fathers when mine is dead? Can you celebrate your DCs wonderful exam results if a friend's child has done dreadfully? I could go on and on and on.
I had no idea that FB caused so much upset until I read the many threads on here. It is easy to un friend someone and it is very easy to hide all their posts.

blizy Mon 08-Apr-13 07:32:37

Yabu and I say that as someone who's first (and only) baby was stillborn and I am suffering fertility issues. Yes, it feels like a stab in the heart each time I read a pregnancy announcement or details about friends pregnancies. However, they do have a right to be happy and excited, if it bothers you so much hide them like I do.

Thewhingingdefective Mon 08-Apr-13 07:41:02

YABU. We TTC for six years and scrimped and saved for the ICSI cycle that finally got us pg. I bored the pants off everyone with my pgcy-related FB statuses.

I don't mind seeing others' statuses at all now. Before, it would have hurt but I never begrudged anyone their chance to show off a bit. For all I know they could have had fertility problems too.

differentnameforthis Mon 08-Apr-13 08:30:36

It isn't insensitive. For heaven sake they are sharing their joy! My childless friend (undergoing IVF) loves to see posts about my dcs. She has struggled for 20+yrs following a miscarriage to conceive & she doesn't think I am being insensitive.

I rent at the moment, and cannot wait to own my home again (LONG way off), can I tell anyone who posts here/fb/twitter they are being insensitive when they boast about moving into their own home, or decorating it how they like?

About all those people who post pictures of themselves celebrating birthdays/Christmas/Easter with their friends/family...can I tell them they are insensitive because I emigrated & don't get to see my family that often?

It's just life. I am sorry if you are having difficulties TTCing, but people cannot put their lives on hold or hide their joy away because of that.

everlong Mon 08-Apr-13 08:45:16

Where's the OP gone?

MiaowTheCat Mon 08-Apr-13 08:49:56

I don't view having a uterus that works as an excuse to be an insensitive cow like lots of women do. I knew I had friends on my FB who'd had ectopics and lost tubes and similar - so I didn't post scan photos or much about my first pregnancy for that reason... or I fiddled about with friend group settings when I could be arsed to minimise the onslaught for those I knew were struggling.

This time around the friend who I was really trying to minimise the babybombing for had announced her own pregnancy - so I did put things like the scan photo up.

But then I've been there and had to hide stories and photos of scans myself - it's not so much the initial appearance of them on your feed - it's the fact they keep coming back with every fucking like or comment for weeks on end. I used to end up adblocking the shit outta the photos because there's no real easy middle ground if you want to avoid the baby stuff but still see things from that friend that's non-baby related in your news feed. That's probably the real issue which those who say "oooh just hide the person from your news feed" don't get - hence me having to do some fiddling on my own end to try to be gentle on those I knew had tender feelings on the subject.

But if I know something's going to upset someone in general - I try to stop them getting that status... I just view it as my attempting not to be an inconsiderate arsehole.

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 08:54:48

most people have the child they want when ttc so they neither know or understand the pain of either losing a baby or not being able to get pg so it wouldn't occur to them to not talk about their baby. tbh they are not wrong to show pictures/talk about their pregnancy as this is normal and would not offend anyone who wasn't going through fertility issues. i have been there and in a way will always be there. best thing is to hide their posts! simple. don't expect sympathy however from the average women who has the children she wants, they don't know what the pain feels like, they are lucky, they have been spared the aching heart and desperation. i wish you all the luck in the world with regard to ttc smile

BrittaPie Mon 08-Apr-13 08:54:50

Yabu. I had someone tell me this on a forum that I used to go on, because H's ex sometimes looked on there. She wasn't even a registered user, but it was like here so the public could read it. I couldn't go out of the house due to morning sickness which eventually landed me in hospital, so it was my main social outlet, and a place where boys would post about shit and wanking without anyone having an issue, but I was posting things like 'I can't come to that gig because I keep throwing up'

So we made a lolcat, except it was the scan picture, saying 'I am in ur woom, leeching ur nutrientz'

It was that kind of place

BrittaPie Mon 08-Apr-13 09:00:41

I used to feel the same about posts about home education. I desperately wanted to o it but couldn't (I was crying every few days and I hardly cry)

But then I realised that the people were posting about their lives, just as I am when I post about the bus being late. They weren't doing it to offend me.

Suzietwo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:01:56

i agree its boring but insensitive?
no
i think thats a bit self involved. just remove the person from your feed if it upsets you.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 08-Apr-13 09:02:29

People should be able to talk about whatever makes them happy. If people don't like it they should delete them.

I have posted about things about my pregnacy and about my children. My family members love my posts. If any of my friends don't like it then they know where the delete button is. Simples.

Equally so, i think some of my friends posts about nights out clubbing it and their messy holidays boring. I just hide their posts smile

ivanapoo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:06:17

Wow, wasn't expecting that many replies. Interesting to read all your views.

I suppose I should explain that I recently was fortunate to have my own baby and held back posting about my pregnancy because I thought some friends would find it boring or upsetting, and while I have posted about the birth of my DC and a few photos since I always feel conscious of who might see them and modify my behaviour accordingly. Some mutual friends have not held back and I worry that it is hard for others still TTC - but as many of you point out it's their choice and right to post whatever they like.

Also while I think my DS is fascinating and the best thing in the world I'm self aware enough to realise not everyone will feel the same.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 08-Apr-13 09:07:21

And the thing is, I have no idea if anyone on my friends list is struggling to conceive. I can't take a guess. None of them have said anything, so it's not like I can make sure certain people can't see my posts as I don't know anyone in that position.

everlong Mon 08-Apr-13 09:09:00

But that's the thing OP Facebook is all about me me me.

BrittaPie Mon 08-Apr-13 09:10:52

I post constantly about my kids, and many of my friends do the same. If I'm not in the mood I scroll past and find a joke, or some politics, or funny clubbing pictures, all things I might scroll past on other days.

I see fb as a kind of house party. Everyone talking about different things. You can stand in the kitchen talking about books, go to the hallway for gossip or stand in the back yard talking about drugs. It's your choice.

HandMini Mon 08-Apr-13 09:13:05

YANBU. It's so tedious and inward-looking.

DolomitesDonkey Mon 08-Apr-13 09:14:38

Yabu - I agree it can be boring and I know some of my friends are TTC, there's also a pretty fair chance some are TTC and I don't know. But I can't go silently through life because someone is in pain. I love that "their joy is not your pain".

Suzietwo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:15:37

its up to the individual though. i have a three post rule about pregnancies - one to let people know (not a scan/announcement but a gentle way of letting them know), one whinge post 30 weeks and a birth announcement. but thats my choice for a huge number of reasons, some of which are sensistivity to friends. when others go OTT i hide them and think they're twats. not worth getting cross about tho

Suzietwo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:16:38

oh and last pregnancy i allowed myself a fourth - b/c i broke a chair when i sat on it as id got so fvckin fat.

ivanapoo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:21:57

I'm not suggesting its boring/insensitive for people to post about it at all, that's a world apart from daily+ posts though IMO.

everlong yes, I suppose I don't see FB as being mememe - because every time I post anything on there it's seen by a massive, random bunch of people I know!

Ariel21 Mon 08-Apr-13 09:30:33

Hi. I don't think it's insensitive as if that were true you could say the same about anything, but I agree that it is dull as fuck. The worse bit for me is some friends and contacts who are constantly whinging - oh, being pregnant is soo hard, and having a newborn baby is sooo stressful, blah blah blah. Of course it is hard - what did you expect? But surely it is also wonderful, joyful and miraculous? YES Facebook is for sharing, but there are limits. Now if you want to share every detail of your pregnancy - why not join the ante-natal groups on Mumsnet?

EmpressMaud Mon 08-Apr-13 09:33:28

No. You can also hide any future updates you don't wish to read.

hotcrosbum Mon 08-Apr-13 09:39:35

I can see where you are coming from.

I am pregnant at the moment, and have not posted a single thing about it, mainly because who else in the world could possibly care about how sick I am or how many weeks along I am?

It's my second though, so it's all a bit boring and crap (pregnancy does not agree with me) and I feel no need to share anything about it.

My first was born in the dark ages, had there been facebook then I would have probably harped on about it day and night.

BrittaPie Mon 08-Apr-13 09:42:26

But being pregnant is sometimes hard, and newborns can sometimes be stressful, and often pregnant women and people with new babies feel really isolated.

Are you seriously suggesting that people who feel isolated (and who could get pnd or pnp) are not allowed community support? That they should only talk to selected people, as if they had an std or something? Are they allowed to leave the house, or is that insensitive too, in case they see someone who would be upset by their bump?

Several childless friends have told me they love seeing my updates about my kids. I have no idea if they are ttc, but they are allowed to post about it if they want to share, and I can either comment with support or scroll past if I don't feel it is appropriate for me to comment.

Just because you feel a huge pain, doesn't mean other people don't feel their smaller pain.

RubyGates Mon 08-Apr-13 09:44:44

YABU. And I say that as someone who went through 5 miscarriages and a pregnancy full of daily injections between DS1 and DS2.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 09:48:21

Personally for me it's irrelevant of the topic but I find some people's facebook updates generally intolerable!
I hate reading about someone who has found the most amazing gf ever, all loved up, posting pics of them together in embrace then the next week they have broken up ex gf is a major bitch, or how much someone has spent on their next exotic holiday, or asking should they go see Madonna in concert two days in a row....
You get my drift.
I just hide these people.
As for pregnancy updates, I don't mind the odd update but a daily feed can be annoying.
With my pregancy, it's my first, I have not put up my scan pictures because its something personal to us.
Anybody who I want to see it I will show myself.
I have put up a couple of pictures of myself with growing baby bump but that's about all.
On the other hand, Facebook is a personal thing and sometimes I feel better for having a moan in my status to receive comments of support.

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 10:01:42

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 10:23:22

Wow hairtearing, that's a bit aggressive.

OP I do see where you're coming from. People who go on and on and on about pregnancy or their new baby are at best boring and at worst can be a bit insensitive.
I work with someone who's just back after having a hysterectomy. Another girl is back from maternity leave and goes on and on non stop about the baby. I really think she should rein it in a bit in front of our other colleague and trying using a bit of tact and sensitivity.

That's not saying people should hide all evidence of their child, just stop and think a little bit about the other people present.

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 10:35:21

op - you come over as an incredibly sensitive and thoughtful person and i thank you for that as people don't have to behave like that, most don't so i thank you for being kind and giving throught to people like myselt, thanks smile congratulations on having your baby

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 10:38:22

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 10:43:01

I agree. Calling people who can't have children and are very upset about it 'some miserable arse'. Really??

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 08-Apr-13 10:45:49

Just hide them. FB has three types of people, those that think everyone is interested in what they are doing every minute of their life, those that just post occasionally and share with family and those that lurk and never post but you know they are looking as they mention in real life.

I cant abide those that do multiple posts re pregnancy like hey are the first woman to do it, their love for their other halfs or kids etc. Thankfully there is a hide or delete button. Its worse the more people you have so i tend to stick to close friends and family.

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 10:45:58

just because you can doesn't mean you should. most people are average, some not nice but there are clearly a few really kind lovely ladies posting here, some clearly not but i thank the ones who are sensitive souls, whilst others are appear to be cold indifferent dismissive smug bags smile

my2centsis Mon 08-Apr-13 10:46:16

I actually think you are the one being incensitive. People like u that winge behind others people's backs really piss me off. Unfriend them instead of backstabbing them ffs. A friend no matter their circumstances will be happy for their friend even if it hurts them a little. My parents live on the opposite side of the world to me and your saying I should not post photos and little comments here and there of my children so my parents can see them growing up because YOU find it boring? Hope I don't have anyone like you on my so called friends list

x2boys Mon 08-Apr-13 10:47:10

i have an old face book friend who drones on constantlty makes posts about how marvellous she is her life her child etc i think she sounds like an arrogant twat and not the rather lovely girl i remember but there you go people posts all sorts!

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 10:50:02

my2

I don't think that's what the OP is saying. She's talking about people constantly posting every single minute detail of their pregnancy.

SoupDragon Mon 08-Apr-13 10:54:01

YABU to expect people to contain their own joy and excitement on the off chance it may unknowingly upset someone.

If you find someone's newsfeed dull/upsetting/irritating just hide it.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 10:58:27

hair that's very harsh. I personally don't think babies are 'miracles' it's just purely and simply nature and normal life.
You wouldn't call digesting food a miracle would you? No it's a normal day to day thing and every person in the world deals with it without making it known to everyone's mother and their dog.
And OP is not asking you to hide evidence of your child just that the way you harp on about it is blimming boring.

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 11:06:17

i feel the same as kitchen

snuffaluffagus Mon 08-Apr-13 11:07:05

YANBU. There is a difference between the occasional lovely photo/comment about your pregnancy or baby, and an avalanche of multiple messages about it.

But yes, the best thing you can do is hide the offending person's updates from your newsfeed.

ShabbyChit Mon 08-Apr-13 11:15:08

As someone who has been TTC for 3.5 years and currently waiting for IVF, I would say YABU.
Most of my friends and relatives are parents already or are pregnant are constantly posting pictures and updates about their pregnancy/babies.

I do get times when my heart initially sinks, wishing it could be me but I still feel happy for them and enjoy seeing updates on their progress etc. It's a great way to keep informed.

If people didn't post things about their own life in case it offended some of their Facebook friends, there'd be nothing to post about!
I mainly post about doing things with my family, husband and dog. Yes my dog is my life
Should I stop in case I offend my unmarried/single friends who have lost their dogs?

If anyone starts constantly posting bollocks and becomes boring to me I either hide them from my newsfeed or unfriend them. simple.

ShabbyChit Mon 08-Apr-13 11:25:20

Oh, and meant to add....if I am lucky enough to become pregnant, I will be shouting it from the rooftops on FB once I am ready to announce to the world, and I will be one of those people who posts pictures of my growing bump, what the nursery looks like and I imagine almost daily pics/updates of my baby because it will be the most important thing in my life. I understand it won't be the most important thing in everyone else's life, but if they dont like it they can delete me!
I wouldn't consider someone who wasn't happy for me to be a real friend anyway!

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 11:32:32

It's not about someone 'not being happy' for you Shabby. But when someone can't have children and really wants them it can be very upsetting for them when yet another friend happily announces her good news - and yes, of course they have every right to be happy and tell everyone they're pregnant - but that doesn't mean that someone who can't share in that happiness is not a real friend. That's quite an unfair remark.

Kewcumber Mon 08-Apr-13 11:34:20

where does posting updates about my child fit? I'm infertile and he was adopted, have I suffered sufficiently to be able to share my current good fortune willy nilly on fb?

honeytea Mon 08-Apr-13 11:34:20

YABU. It took 2 years of ttc before I got pregnant with my ds, I did have times when it was hard looking at facebook and seeing another pregnancy anouncement but I didn't wish they wouldn't post.

Now my ds has been born I post at least one photo of him a day on facebook, I live in a different country to all my family and I like the casual contact that facebook allows, sure I could e-mail the photos but that in a way seems too formal.

The only friend I worry about is a dear friend who lost her son to sids last year, she has had a daughter and she posts photos of her lovely little girl almost as often as I post photos of my ds, my son looks alot like her ds and I wonder if it is hard for her but she often writes lovely comments.

MurkyMinotaur Mon 08-Apr-13 11:36:08

This is interesting. I've been wondering how to feel both happy for pregnant friends and sad for infertile and bereaved friends.

Upon the birth of one friend's baby, another very excited pregnant friend wrote that it was her own turn next. I would have imagined it would be kind to let the attention be focused on the new Mum only that day, but the new Mum seemed to enjoy sharing with her.

Meanwhile, another friend posts a brilliant link about what infertility feels like. It's such a mixture of feeling and circumstance. One person complains of pregnancy sickness, another childless person grieves her stillborn babies...

I wonder whether the deciding factor, regarding whether it's insensitive or not, is what the person's attitude is in RL. Are they self-consumed or considerate in RL? Do they talk more than they listen in RL?

I think people here are right that facebook is self-promotion by its nature - that's a real eye-opener to me, thanks! In real life it's naturally easier to be happy for someone who cares about other people's various complex and different circumstances. And likewise it would be easier to resent someone who seems self-absorbed. Since all facebook seems self-absorbed by its nature, perhaps looking at RL character and attitudes is the answer?

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 11:42:42

Why has my post been deleted? its wasn't aggressive at all tbh,

I hate this bitching behind peoples backs mentality just unfriend/hide.
I have had fertility issues in the past, I still completely disagree with the OP I thinks its awful tbh. Its not just people TTC though is it? we live in a completely child intolerant society.

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 11:45:04

First time motherhood is exciting though you will never get that time back, when you're well entrenched in nappies and that novelty had gone.

Asking someone to curb that joy for someone else I think is cruel and cheeky tbh.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 11:48:49

hair telling OP to fuck off is not aggressive or offensive then?!!

Kewcumber Mon 08-Apr-13 11:50:23

I do find scan photos a bit painful even now. it reminds me of what I can't have. but I don't begrudge people sharing it on fb. I find peoples real life responses way more difficult to deal with to be honest - how its sooooo much easier to adopt than give birth is one of my personal favorites.

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 11:55:23

Hair

You can disagree with someone without being downright nasty. Telling someone to 'fuck off' and saying that someone who can't conceive and finds it upsetting when someone else goes on and on about their pregnancy is a 'miserable arse' is very offensive, insensitive, rude and pretty unacceptable behaviour, in my view.

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 11:59:52

I didn't call peope who can't concieve miserable arses I meant people who whinge about 'mum updates' I probably didn't make that clear and thats my fault.

The swearing, not so much people swear on here all the time calling people twats etc. you can't have it both ways.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 12:02:35

I would never call people a twat on here or tell them to fuck off just because I don't agree with their opinion.
And I wouldn't do so in real life either so you are being very rude and maybe should apologise to OP?

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 12:08:04

I agree. You really should apologise. Maybe you didn't intend for your post to come across as being so rude and offensive but it really did read very badly.
I think the only time it might be excusable to tell someone to fuck off on here is if you've been extremely provoked. But opening a post with that phrase simply because you disagree with the OP is pretty aggressive.

amykateox Mon 08-Apr-13 12:09:41

You are very selfish. I put every small thing online because I was extremely proud of my son. Every new thing he does is a new achievement and a new step into his development and I put it online for all my friends/family to see. If you hate it so much, then why are you on here when a lot of people talk about their children?

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 12:10:12

Well you're an exception, a lot of people do and never bother with an apology,
There's a thread with someone who's slagged off a child's appearance and people are laughing along and encouraging it, tbh I think that's worse, but cliqueyness states otherwise apparently.
I'm sorry for offending the OP but I stand by my opinion.

Iggi101 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:25:50

Wintertimeisfun - just wanted to say how measured and thoughtful your responses have been. Very interesting to read.

Iggi101 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:31:58

Amykateox - so if you don't put everything online, it means you aren't proud of your dcs? Odd opinion.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 12:35:36

hair that's fine each to their own but don't be surprised next time when your comments are taken down.

amy selfish is not how I would describe OP. Fact is some people think the world of their own DC but listening incessantly about other people's is just plain boring.

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 12:47:35

How is the OP being selfish? She's not talking about herself, she's saying she thinks a constant stream of talk and photos re pregnancy and new babies can be upsetting for other people who can't have children.

ShabbyChit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:56:56

vintageclock if you read my first post, you'd see I am one of those people who can't have children so maybe I 'should' be offended by these kind of Facebook things.
To me, a friend is someone who cares for me and is happy for me. If a friend wasn't happy for me when i finally got something I had wanted my whole life, I wouldn't consider them a real friend. I don't think that's unfair?

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 13:01:52

kew couldn't have put it better. iggi thanks!

vintageclock Mon 08-Apr-13 13:02:39

I did read your first post. That doesn't mean I can't disagree with your opinion re someone 'not being a friend' if they find it difficult to accept your pregnancy when they're going through agonies trying to conceive themselves or have unhappily resigned themselves to never having children.
There's no 'should' about it. Everyone is different and people react to upsetting and difficult events differently. I still think it's unfair to say someone's not a real friend if they find another person's pregnancy difficult to feel happy about.

EldritchCleavage Mon 08-Apr-13 13:07:41

Problem is people uses social media in markedly different ways. It's all so new there just aren't many widely accepted conventions for it. There are the constant posters, and they post endlessly about pregnancy and children as they do everything else. Then there are the more measured types and then people like me who scarcely post, never tag a photo and work very hard not to give away too much private information.

Your style is your style. It isn't an exercise in thoughtlessness so much as a personal and philosophical preference.

2rebecca Mon 08-Apr-13 13:09:42

I think if you find a "friend"'s post on their pregnancy upsetting then you aren't much of a friend. Some people just have too many facebook friends and could do with having a cull if updates upset them.
I agree endless pregnancy related stuff may be boring but so is alot of the stuff many people post on facebook. Stop reading it, get out more. I agree with the comment near the beginning that someone else's pleasure shouldn't be your pain.

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 13:09:58

i wouldn't consider a friend to not be a good friend if she felt unable to be part of ie my wedding/pregnancy/baby years. i have experienced all these when i was getting married/having a baby. i was not so consumed that i took forgranted everyone was either as interested or emotionally in the same place. imo to be a good friend is to allow your friend their own space however frustrating it may be for you, just a thought

wintertimeisfun Mon 08-Apr-13 13:12:53

if someone finds a pregnancy related fb post upsetting, there is often a misconception here - it isn't (generally) because that person is jealous and resents that person having what they appear not to have. on the contrary, it is usually nothing to do with the person who put the post up, merely that it reminds them of their personal failure as a women, they feel inferior and envy them, envy is not the same as jealousy, more of an admiration - this is my own personal view from experience, i wouldn't begrudge the person who is pg

2rebecca Mon 08-Apr-13 13:16:50

There is a difference between feeling uncomfortable reading about someone's pregnancy and feeling that no-one should ever post pregnancy related stuff just in case it upsets or bores other people as the OP is suggesting.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 13:21:38

2rebecca OP isn't talking about generalised baby/pregnancy related posts she's talking incessant posting about it every half an hour.

2rebecca Mon 08-Apr-13 13:36:13

Then you ignore it or block their thread from your inbox same as people posting any drivel every half hour, I don't see why pregnancy related drivel is different to other drivel.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 13:49:02

I said the same a few posts back smile

Fakebook Mon 08-Apr-13 13:55:23

I agree. I think it's stupid, crude at times and insensitive to write about your pregnancy all the time. It's one thing writing things anonymously for advice on a forum, but on Facebook, I really don't want to see pics of naked bumps and cleavage size. People seem to lose all dignity.

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 14:02:10

for the record infertility is not the same

wanting a new house
not being able to home educate hmm
not getting a holiday
or putting your cat down.

would people please stop saying dumb shit.

joiemecconue Mon 08-Apr-13 14:03:41

when and how can people announce it sensitively on twitter or FB then?

Suzietwo Mon 08-Apr-13 14:05:41

people seem terribly self absorbed. everyone has their own shit to deal with. stop thinking yours is more important than anyone elses

joiemecconue Mon 08-Apr-13 14:07:44

I think people will upset and excluded if they aren't informed after 12w so do you contact them all individually hmm

ItsallisnowaFeegle Mon 08-Apr-13 14:14:41

YABU- my FB my choice if I spend my time posting about my pg/ newborn/ baby.

Don't like it? Unfriend me, miseryguts!

EldritchCleavage Mon 08-Apr-13 14:26:19

people seem terribly self absorbed. everyone has their own shit to deal with. stop thinking yours is more important than anyone elses

True, except self-absorption and thinking your shit, absolutely all of it, is terribly important is what social media use is all about. That's the point of it. There's no way the people who use it are going to throw some kind of sensitivity and dignity screen around pregnancy and leave it off their news feed. That's the way of the world now.

glossyflower Mon 08-Apr-13 14:28:11

Sometimes I wonder how the world went round pre Facebook and Internet lol.

Suzietwo Mon 08-Apr-13 14:34:18

that is true.

this place also

i am always calmer when i stay away from social media in all forms.

Well, YABU because everyone has the right to post what they want.

However, you also have the right to defriend or hide their posts if you don't want to read them.

ivanapoo Tue 09-Apr-13 09:24:27

wintertime what a kind thing to say, thank you.

And thanks to people like glossy and vintage clock who in addition to actually reading my posts properly clarified my points to other posters.

I completely agree that constant posts on any topic can be tedious. Even when posted by one of my dear friends or relatives.

Also just to add I think it's possible to be delighted for a friend but devastated for oneself.

ivanapoo Tue 09-Apr-13 09:34:20

Sometimes I wonder how the world went round pre Facebook and Internet lol.

Ha yes, carrier pigeons maybe?

Personally I'd find it a bit strange if a good friend or close relative chose to "tell" me they were PG via a social networking site...

Withalittlesparkle Tue 09-Apr-13 09:35:05

Ivanapoo I'm being a tad lazy, and not reading the entire thread but I agree with you, constant posts about anything are irritating, especially baby related if you are TTC.

I was once friends with a woman on facebook who delightedly posted a picture of some maternity pads she'd just bought (unused obviously) but was there really any need to share that? Ive never posted a picture of a pack of tampons with the tag "look I'm on the blob" (gross) obviously she got defriended pretty quickly.

My opinion hasnt changed since falling pregnant either. I'm 30 weeks on Friday after TTC for 12 months with PCOS and being told that the chances of natural conception were very slim (I like to prove people wrong) and since getting my BFP I've posted 1 picture on facebook of a 4D scan I had done, but then recently I opened a new facebook account so I could have purely close friends and family on there!

AfricanExport Tue 09-Apr-13 09:45:07

YABVU

What's next, can't mention parents as some people's have died, can't mention your husband as some people are divorced/widowed.

I defriended someone after a live birth video went up. Really, no one needs to see that! That's just too much.

If you don't like, don't read it.

teacherandguideleader Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:46

I get a little upset about my friends posting news of their impending marriages and pregnancies but I realise it is just jealousy on my part as I am aware the things I want most in life might not happen for me. That doesn't mean they should stop posting about it, I just need to deal with my feelings.

The only posts I think are insensitive are when people complain about their children being at home as they are driving them made, or mention something about 'another boy rather than a girl' or complaining about family - some of us would love to be in that position.

PurpleStorm Tue 09-Apr-13 12:03:04

YABU.

Yes, constant posts about pregnancy can get boring, and yes, people who are having fertility problems may find them upsetting - but just about every post on FB can be perceived as boring or insensitive for some reason.

And some of the people posting about their pregnancies may have had problems conceiving themselves, or be posting to keep family and friends living far away updated.

MidniteScribbler Tue 09-Apr-13 12:10:10

It's not about them not considering that what they are posting might offend others, it's just that some people can be so boring, regardless of what they are posting. One person on mine is "just got out of bed". "having a shower before going to work", "lunchbreak and eating a sandwich", "time for bed". I don't care. She posts about fifty status' per day. Boring. God help us all if she gets pregnant again.

oldraver Tue 09-Apr-13 12:29:53

Yes constant posting about one particular subject can be tedious... but you shouldn't have to hold yourself in check just on the offchance someone may be offended.

abbyfromoz Tue 09-Apr-13 12:38:14

YABU. It's insensitive of you to not be happy for them.
I understand how hard this can be. My sister and i were pregnant at the same time. Mine ended in MC at 11 weeks. She went on to have a healthy baby. I was terribly sad for a while thinking why her and not me? But why not her? She deserves happiness. Just because i couldn't be a mum at the time doesn't mean other people can't enjoy every single detail of their special time and share their happiness with the world. Try to appreciate how special this time is for other people and maybe it will being you a little joy too.

abbyfromoz Tue 09-Apr-13 12:45:34

And just to add to that- i have a reason for posting pics of my DD. Her entire family (including grandparents) are thousands of miles away and have missed every milestone including my growing bump, scan pictures, supporting me through morning sickness, seeing her decorated nursery, seeing her smile for the first time, walk, talk.... So my Facebook which is only viewable for close friends and family is my way of keeping them in touch, which they appreciate more than anything. If other friends have a problem with it then that is just it- THEIR problem.

shoesandwine Tue 09-Apr-13 13:06:24

YABU.

If you are genuinely upset by things that are making your Facebook "friends" happy, then they're obviously not your friends, are they? In that case, hide their posts or defriend them.

For the record, I'm TTC and my friends' pregnancy posts don't bother me in the slightest. As in all area of life, everyone has something that the next person doesn't. That's life. I'm sure my friends with children could be equally "hurt" by my blatent flaunting of exotic holidays or meals out.

I've lost track of what's actually "allowed" on Facebook at all these days: no trivial status updates, no food photos, no holidays (or watch how many "posey" photos you have in there, and make sure that you remove any trace of the nice hotel you might have been staying in, in case anyone gets jealous) no kids, no declarations of love and affection.....the list is endless.

Gruffalump Tue 09-Apr-13 13:34:54

YABU

And self-obsessed

lovetomoan Tue 09-Apr-13 14:39:03

I didn't post anything about my pregnancy on fb because lots of people in my family can't have children. And I was also told it would be difficult for me to conceive. But lots of people told me I was OTT for 'hiding' my pregnancy on fb.

lovetomoan Tue 09-Apr-13 14:41:02

Still, I think YABU.

exoticfruits Tue 09-Apr-13 16:03:34

I've lost track of what's actually "allowed" on Facebook at all these days: no trivial status updates, no food photos, no holidays (or watch how many "posey" photos you have in there, and make sure that you remove any trace of the nice hotel you might have been staying in, in case anyone gets jealous) no kids, no declarations of love and affection.....the list is endless.

I think it would be a lot simpler to suspend their FB account and not go on. People seem to have all sorts of friends who are not really friends at all.

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