To have expected a bit more from my mother following engagement?

(85 Posts)
amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:06:06

So OH and I have just got engaged smile

The first people we told were my parents, this morning in fact. While my dad seemed rather excited and was congratulating us, my mum hardly said anything & didn't seem interested in asking any questions or details about the wedding etc, my dad lead the way asking questions when usually he's the quiet one.

I don't know what to think. My OH feels a bit deflated & on our way home he was saying that my mum didn't look that happy- he was right, even though I tried to make some excuses.
Even as we said our goodbyes, my mum was just like "oh, see you soon" to both of us, she didn't say the one word I was expecting- congratulations.

God, I feel a bit embarrassed- I'm 35 yrs old, not a teenager about to elope...now wishing I'd just sent a text or done a brief phonecall!
I mean I wasn't expecting fireworks & champagne spraying everywhere, but I was hoping for some excitement from them or even just looking half pleased for us.
AIBU...?!

usualsuspect Sun 07-Apr-13 13:08:04

Without knowing anything about you or your mum it's hard to tell.

<sits on fence>

Euphemia Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:14

What's your history? Five previous marriages and ten broken engagements? smile

DontSHOUTTTTTT Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:16

I agree, it's impossible to say without knowing more. If you Mum is usually nice then maybe she is just having a bad day or feels unwell?

SanityClause Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:23

You need to ask her.

She may have very good reasons for not wanting you to marry, or really stupid selfish ones.

Or, maybe she was feeling a bit unwell, or something.

Speak to her about it.

saffronwblue Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:29

Congratulations!

MrsPresley Sun 07-Apr-13 13:10:43

Are you close to your mum?

Maybe she feels a bit sad at "losing" her DD, give her time I'm sure when the news has sunk in she will be excited.

Congratulations BTW smile

DontSHOUTTTTTT Sun 07-Apr-13 13:11:15

Ps. thanks wine congratulations. grin

bluer Sun 07-Apr-13 13:11:20

Maybe she's in shock? I know my dad lives my dh, we've been married a few years etc so when I told him we were pregnant finally I expected a bit of a different reaction to the one I got...he wasn't clearly happy or over the moon and said we'd struggle a we live far from family...a wee while later and he's come to terms and is very enthusiastic! Hope its just shock op!

elQuintoConyo Sun 07-Apr-13 13:12:08

YANBU I had similar with my parents: Dad over the moon, dead chuffed, Mum cold and distant. But then that's her default setting. She's always all over my sister and two dc, but with me and mine, nada I'm not bitter
Over the years I've come to expect it. It's a very sad thing to experience, though, and I always feel like I have let her down.
Try and focus on your happy news and organising the wedding and spending the rest of your life with the man of your dreams and try not to turn into your mother

Congratulations, by the way thanks

ComposHat Sun 07-Apr-13 13:12:24

I know it is strange. My fiancée's mother has shown no interest in the wedding at all. Never asks how it is going or talks about her outfits/food or shown any signs of being pleased for us.

It has upset my fiancée a little bit and me too as I'm beginning to think that she doesn't want me marrying her daughter. But then her mum has always been a bit sour-faced and selfish and might be punishing us for the perceived slight of holding the wedding where we live, rather than where she does.

If I'm being charitable I'd say that weddings just aren't her thing and each to their own.

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 07-Apr-13 13:13:05

Congratulations flowers

YANBU to feel a little hurt as her reaction does sound a little odd but then again I don't know her. I would expect a mum to be thrilled by the news of her daughters engagement though-unless she doesn't like your DP?

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:14:28

Thank you!

Yes I'm hoping it's just shock too...no it's my first time getting engaged, never been married before, indeed the first ever man I've moved in with.
We've been together over 5 years so it's not like I picked him up in the pub a few weeks ago.

WorraLiberty Sun 07-Apr-13 13:16:06

What's your set up?

Do you two live together? Do you have kids together?

If so, I'd smile and say congratulations but inside I'd be thinking it's not the same as a couple who don't live together/have kids.

My mate lived with her DP for 6 years...they had 2 kids together and 3 step kids between them, yet they threw a massive engagement party and wondered why so many people were a bit 'meh' about it.

Congratulations!
Maybe you took her by surprise and she'll be excited once the news sinks in? does she like your dp? If so, try not to worry!

Dh and I got engaged abroad, I insisted my mum be told first, went m to her house immediately, despite jet n lag etc - total anti climax. But she's a narc and was fed up that I was centre of attention instead of her, so i was daft for expecting anything else. I'm assuming your dmum is not and just was a bit surprised and didn't react the way shed have liked to

Are you the first child to get engaged btw? Maybe she suddenly felt a bit old?

SneakyNinja Sun 07-Apr-13 13:17:12

Does she get on with OH?
I'd be a bit peeved to but there could be a whole host of reasons.

WorraLiberty Sun 07-Apr-13 13:19:13

Ahh X posted.

Perhaps she thinks living together is a far bigger step than getting engaged?

Either way, she could at least have shown more enthusiasm.

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:21:18

Yes I agree it's hard to interpret anything when you don't know the people involved. I just had to get it out somewhere & get opinions.

My mum can be a bit cold towards my OH, not in a nasty way but just not very warm towards him (or any other BF I've ever had). Not sure if that makes sense!
I guess to be honest she's never been over the moon about any previous relationships, always telling me to "stay independent" etc.

Actually a sore point from my parents point of view is that we 'still' rent our home...maybe they think we're stupid for spending money on a wedding rather than buying a home, I don't know. We live in London so buying somewhere is not going to happen any time soon!

WorraLiberty Sun 07-Apr-13 13:24:10

Did she admire your engagement ring or just totally ignore the whole thing?

Still waiting on my In-laws saying Congratulations on your engagement, and DH & I have been married for 10 years. MIL was on holiday abroad, and FIL was annoyed that now DH proposed when she wasn't here! We get on fine now!

Congratulations smile reminds me a little of when DH and I told my parents I was pg. My mum especially is very visible with her emotions (and nearly deafened me down the phone when I told her we were engaged) but pg announcement they were both quiet but did seem pleased just not the reaction I expected. Two days later on the phone it was all she could talk about! Think it just needed time to sink in - could it something similar with your mum? (DS couldn't ask for more enthusiastic gps he's thoroughly spoilt!)

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:29:06

Myself and OH been together over 5 years, lived together for 3, first marriage for both of us, no children (yet).

My two younger siblings are getting married this year- maybe this is the nail in the coffin for confirming to her that she's getting old?!
However, she seems really enthused about their weddings, especially my sister. Plus she has a grandchild who was born late last year.

Who knows, maybe she was hoping I'd stay a single and move back home to keep her company in later years?!
My Dad's reaction really made me smile, he was asking so many questions & seemed really pleased! This made me smile

Snazzynewyear Sun 07-Apr-13 13:34:09

Sounds in line with her previous responses to your partners, plus with your siblings getting married she is probably feeling less important all round. Blank it as much as you can, don't let it spoil things. And congratulations!

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:34:49

No engagement ring yet- we are going shopping for a ring, OH decided it was safest to let me choose one!

Congratulations! YANBU, she should have shown enthusiasm, she is your Mum and as such you ignore any personal feelings at the moment of announcement. I tend to be the other way round and think that couples who are obviously suited to each, by living together for many years, have more of a right to want everyone's congratulations and celebrations, rather than couples who haven't lived together. But then, I'm in my 40's and have seen so many marriage break-ups, by younger, non cohabitating couples that I think that every couple should have the same excitement around the wedding, regardless of age.

FredFredGeorge Sun 07-Apr-13 13:39:29

You've lived together for 3 years, your "engagement" is already discounted by everyone who knows you because you're already committed don't expect excitement about something which isn't particularly exciting.

wonkylegs Sun 07-Apr-13 13:42:05

Congratulations
She might of just been overwhelmed.
My mum decided that the moment we announced our engagement was the time she would announce she was actually divorcing my dad. hmm She couldn't wait another second despite claiming she was going to divorce my dad for the previous 15yrs. It was typical my mum centric behaviour thoughsad

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:42:57

Thank you!

Have to say, out of all the couples we know who have got married, all of them were cohabiting for at least a year prior to getting married.

I personally would find it a bit scary to be marrying somebody who I had no experience of living with, however much I loved them and thought I knew them. For me it would be insanity!

We're looking forward to celebrating with friends at various points over the few weeks. However, the most important thing to me was seeing my parents happy for us.

Congratulations!

Her reaction could have been worse, we live away from family and DH phoned his parents to tell them...

His mother HUNG UP on him without a word!!! It took her two hours to phone back and squeeze out a few words.

Charming lol!

The “stay independent" type of advice from women (even your Mother) is bullshit that should be kept to themselves. A life without a few flashes of feeling in love (even if they are mistakes) and without children (if you want them), is a pretty poor one, which cannot be compensated with never struggling for money. You are being independent, if you are making your own decisions.

Viviennemary Sun 07-Apr-13 13:47:46

She should have shown a bit of enthusiasm even if she doesn't really feel much. But a lot of people think that an engagement is just a private agreement to get married. And I can see their point in a way.

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:48:21

FredFredGeorge I totally disagree with you, I do not think that our engagement is 'totally discounted' by everyone around us as we've already been living together!

The friends we've told so far today have certainly been excited, as we were for them when they announced engagements, got married etc regardless of whether they lived together or not.

As I said above, the important thing for me was seeing my parents happy at our news- and my OH's parents too.

Christelle2207 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:49:22

Congrats!
I would speak to your dad and see what her view is. A chance perhaps that she was too shocked? My mother was so shocked that she barely said anything at all - but turned out to be very happy for us.

For those saying that the OP shouldn't expect people to react enthusiastically, do you have grown up children? and realise that this is her Mother, as in you only really get one Mum and as such she will be the Mother of the Bride and weddings are usually the reason for the biggest family get togethers? Unless your family is dysfunctional then it should be a reason to be happy. If you are not happy with your Children announcing major happy life events, then you need help.

DoJo Sun 07-Apr-13 14:00:26

Could she have been disappointed that your fiance didn't ask your dad's permission or similar? Congratulations btw!

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 14:06:33

Birdsgottafly thank you- precisely!

In reality I'm not bothered if someone we know doesn't give a shit about our engagement, the essence of my original post is that mother appears not to give a shit (however, I'm very much hoping this is not the case) which is indeed a massive big deal to me!

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 14:12:02

DoJo I've no idea if she'd be upset if he didn't ask my dad's permission!

I wouldn't expect my OH to ask my dad prior to proposing. I'm my own person, I'm not owned by my family for permission to be given.
I know this was/is traditional to ask before the proposal but it would not have gone done well with me- I've had this conversation with the OH before!

DumSpiroSpero Sun 07-Apr-13 14:17:44

Congratulations!

TBH with two children getting married this year and now you announcing your engagement I would hazard a guess that your mum is feeling a bit sad/old/redundant and wasn't up to doing a better a job of covering her feelings up.

Hopefully when she's gotten over the initial shock she'll be more enthusiastic for you.

Ragwort Sun 07-Apr-13 14:19:22

I tend to agree with FredFred - you've already made a comittment to each other by living together for a long time so to 'announce' you are getting engaged does sound a bit teenagerish coming from a 35 year old. Not all mothers want to be 'mother of the bride' and all that stuff, personally I can't think of anything worse and am glad I only have one son <and hope he elopes if he ever wants to get married> grin.

Still, this obviously bothers you so I would have a quiet word with your mother, without your father or OH being around. smile.

amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 14:28:28

I don't know how to put it any other way- we were simply telling my parents the news that we were planning to get married and was hoping for a smile and some hugs. There was no great fanfare or drumroll 'announcement', just cups of tea smile & conversation

Hmm maybe that makes me a teenager at heart- I certainly don't look my age!

I was disappointed that my own mother did not appear that happy-but as others have suggested, there could be a whole load of reasons to explain why.

Gossipmonster Sun 07-Apr-13 14:58:41

None of our family sent so much as a card when we got engaged.

Second time round for us both but still sad

Skinidin Mon 08-Apr-13 01:20:38

If she is at all like me, maybe she hates weddings and is wondering if she is going to have to cough up for some flashy, expensive do.

Sorry, just saying what I would feel.

And I think engagements mean veryy little these days, but even in the dark (say Victorian) ages people didn't expect cards and parties.

They just got on with it.

nooka Mon 08-Apr-13 01:27:48

Perhaps she just found the idea of three weddings in a year a bit overwhelming? It does seem slightly unusual.

My um said 'oh dear' when I told her that dh and I had decided to get married, so it could have been worse!

nicecupofteaandbiscuit Mon 08-Apr-13 01:39:27

My mum cried when DP and I told her we were getting married. She didn't say congratulations, but just got upset because a) we were planning to get married abroad (in the country where we were living at the time, and where DP is from) and b) because we weren't getting married in a church.

Could have been worse though - she asked my brother if he was going to be a good person when he told her he was engaged.

My dad was underwhelmed when I told him too. We had an uncomfortable lunch. Not sure if it was because DP didn't ask his permission, or just because we have been together so long that it wasn't very exciting news. My stepmother was the only one who seemed excited for us.

Congratulations OP. There will be lots of family and friends out there who are really excited for you, and you'll have a great day. Don't let this cast a shadow over an exciting time.

Spinkle Mon 08-Apr-13 05:22:49

my mother was like this. Also when I became pregnant. She wouldn't visit me when I was breastfeeding (because it's "disgusting") She said it was us when DS started having developmental problems.

All in all not very supportive.

DS is autistic btw.

I've come to realise it's about her issues, a reflection on her and not me. Hard though when people assume she's gonna be all mother of the bride-y.

anonymosity Mon 08-Apr-13 06:29:22

Amadine I think its a difficult thing for mothers sometimes. They have to let go, you're forming your own, new family.

To be honest, I am extremely close to my mum, we talk every day but yet when I was expecting my first DC I asked her if she wanted to feel him move (I was about 8 months pregnant) and she said "of course not, and I think you need to grow up, its not all about you" which was so out of the blue and uncharacteristic I was shocked beyond belief.

Sometimes they don't react the way we'd either hope, or expect of them.

Thumbwitch Mon 08-Apr-13 06:34:32

Does she have "form" for this sort of reaction? How has she reacted to any other of your "big news" - passing exams, getting into University, first job, that kind of thing? Has she always been a bit unenthused about anything you've done?

If not then I'd say she has a problem with your OH. And you need to talk to her to find out what it is.

TheRealFellatio Mon 08-Apr-13 07:05:54

Congratulations. On the face of it I can see no obvious reason why your mother might have misgivings about this, so I can only assume that she just doesn't like your boyfriend very much and is feeling disappointed that it is clearly not goingt o fizzle out eventually like she had hoped. sorry if that sounds harsh but I can't think what else the problem could be. confused

fluffyraggies Mon 08-Apr-13 08:20:32

Goodness all the OP wanted was for her mum to give out a hug or two and make happy noises for 10/15 minutes surely? It's not asking the world.

Why is it strange to be want to share happy news with your immediate family after the age of 30 confused

If her DM was a bit sad about it (for any reason) she should have kept it to herself and perhaps spoken to her DH later on or something similar.

I sympathise OP, my mum is always a bit underwhelmed by any of my news - engagement (twice) marriage (twice) and pregnancy (3 times). In fact her reaction to my pregnancy announcements became more laughably cold each time. Even though i was married to the father of all 3 and living in my own home hmm

All i can say is i wont be making the same mistake with my DCs no matter how 'old' they make me feel. Because that sort of bitterness is not forgotten, and i would hate to be remembered like that.

fluffyraggies Mon 08-Apr-13 08:21:10

And congratulations! thanksgrin

onedev Mon 08-Apr-13 12:54:41

CONGRATULATIONS!! thankswine I'm excited for you & I don't even know you, so I can imagine you were upset. Hopefully Dum (& others) are right in that it was just the shock of the announcement & feeling a bit old & redundant with what's going on with your siblings also that made her react that way.

Would you call & ask her if she's ok? Or ask your dad as others have suggested? Failing that, I'd say ignore & enjoy your planning & hopefully she'll come round.

Congrats again!

BegoniaBampot Mon 08-Apr-13 14:12:37

don't think engagements are what they used to be, especially to the older generation. young people used to date, get engaged while still living at home, get married shortly after and start their life together. now people are often together for years, living together, often having children before they get engaged and then stay engaged without marrying or wait another decade or so.

congratulations anyway OP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 14:17:41

OP congratulations!

I remember threads of your worrying about whether he would ever propose or whether you should ditch him. Presumably you have come an agreement about children smile

I agree with Fellatio, does she have a problem with your OH? Had you discussed your worries about his commitment with her?

givemeaclue Mon 08-Apr-13 14:21:21

Could she have wedding overload?

OP - sorry to hear about your mum's underwhelmed reaction.

My mum wasn't that different, didn't congratulate us, simply said through gritted teeth that she didn't think she was old enough to have a daughter getting married (I was nearly 29!) and walked off. My Dad, like yours, was chuffed to bits and immediately started asking about where we would like to get married etc etc.

We decided to marry quickly, within 3 months of getting engaged which then provoked another ridiculous reaction from mother dearest that "THREE MONTHS ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO ARRANGE A WEDDING". hmm. Not sure why that bothered her, since she wasn't remotely excited about it all anyway!

Congratulations!

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 19:20:39

Thanks fluffyraggies that's exactly it, I didn't want a big fanfare from my parents, just some excitement from my own mother and not looking like I'd just told her I'd been diagnosed with some nasty disease! <shrugs shoulders>

I'll try not to dwell too much, but it was very disappointing...especially as all our close friends and other family members (including the 'older generation') have been delighted for us.

It comes across as bitterness- in general I don't know why you been all bitter about someone else getting married- although I have to admit to the green-eyed monster when others when others have announced engagements blush

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 19:34:29

alibabaandthe40nappies thank you! Ah yes I posted those threads when I was feeling a bit lost about everything, all the advice and opinions really did help keep me sane!
Yes we're going to start TTC at the end of the year, wedding is early next year.

No I didn't discuss any of the commitment worries with either parent- stuck to close friends for some major analysis to make some sense of how I was feeling.
She has no big issues with OH that I know of, although she is not pleased that we don't own our own home yet and we continue to rent.
I can just imagine that if I were to fall PG in the future she would make comments about how we should own our own home before having kids etc (as if it were that easy!!)
She did make a comment a year or so ago she thinks my OH should 'provide for me' I think implying that he should provide a 'proper home' rather than a rented apartment.
From that point of view I think she judges my OH as not providing everything for me however she misses the point that we're in a partnership sharing the bills, we both have decent jobs, I'm not expecting him to support me.

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 19:37:41

To be honest, even if I was marrying Prince William she'd still find negative points!

ivehadaverybadday Mon 08-Apr-13 19:44:08

Congrats OP! Sometimes people just don't react in the way you expect and it catches you off guard.
My MIL was like this when we got engaged. I thought she'd be estatic but she was just a bit, hmm, about it. I got upset later on and DH called her and asked what the problem was. No problem, she'd just been expecting it for ages and isn't really sure why she reacted as she did. She sent us a HUGE congrats bouquet, and got involved with the wedding plans, so all was well in the end.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 08-Apr-13 19:58:33

My Mum wouldn't say much either...it's just who she is. No fuss type. Congratulations though!

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 20:01:41

ivehadaverybadday
Thank you! My situation is kind of the opposite to yours- OH's parents were hugely excited & over the moon when we told them.

My OH feels even more uncomfortable with my parents now thanks to my mum's reaction- and this in turn has compounded my disappointment as he's asking whether my parents genuinely like him & if they really want me to marry him- not that it matters, we're getting married anyway!

I really don't like the way it has made him feel, especially as his parents' reactions were such an extreme contrast...almost feel embarrassed that my mum has reacted like this. He says I need to talk to my mum about it- I've tried to reassure him that they do like him but it feels a bit hollow when he's actually been sat there & seen my mum's underwhelmed reaction to our news sad

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 20:06:43

No I don't think it's just who she is and no fuss type- I've seen her get very animated and loud at other people's news or stories, the day i got my degree she was over the moon & had a little cry.

I think I'm feeling disappointed and a bit cross as I think I know deep down that she's maybe displayed her true feelings to not just me, but my OH too.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 08-Apr-13 20:11:12

Has she any reason not to like your fiancee?

DialsMavis Mon 08-Apr-13 20:18:17

Are they paying towards the other weddings? Could she but a bit worried about affording to help with yours on top of the other 2? Does she like your PIL?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 20:21:54

Ah good news on the TTC front, I'm really pleased for you smile

Give your mum a chance to redeem herself. I wouldn't say anything, because that makes it into a 'thing'. Just carry on with your plans.

She might have just been caught on the hop and now be embarrassed that she didn't say more.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 08-Apr-13 21:55:16

Apologies if someone else has already asked this, but does your mum actually like your OH?
Does she think he is a good man?

If she doesn't like him, this may be why she hasn't offered congratulations on your engagement. Perhaps she isn't excited at the thought of you marrying this man. hmm

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Apr-13 00:29:45

My mum was a bit like yours, OP - when I told her I was pregnant and showed her the ultrasound picture, she was very "Meh" about it - and said "Oh no, now I'll have a 6th grandchild", like she thought 5 was the perfect number of grandchildren or something! If I'd been having kittens she'd have been happier, I know. She wasn't thrilled about the baby or the subsequent wedding but that may have had something to do with a strange dislike of Irish Catholics (she went to a Convent school) - DH is Irish/Australian Catholic. she didn't like Australians much either; nor the fact that she expected I would be emigrating to Australia (yep)

Kiwiinkits Tue 09-Apr-13 00:52:46

When we told my MIL and FIL we were engaged, my FIL kept on talking and my MIL got up from the couch and walked away! Terrible response! In the end I piped up and said, "is anyone going to say congratulations?" And they dutifully did, but with no real feeling there. In contrast, my parents broke out the champagne and were all hugs and whoops. Different strokes for different folks. I can't seem to get my PILs excited about anything unless its a scandal of some sort involving the neighbours or one of their friend's children.

I have felt aggrieved about their reaction for a long time. Our relationship is a bit strained but on the whole not too bad (they are Daily Mail types; Mil seems to be a bit threatened my failure to be a Stepford)

Kiwiinkits Tue 09-Apr-13 00:54:30

Oh yeah and they barely rustled ANY enthusiasm when DD2 was born. Don't even think there was a phone call or gift. Random. I don't think it's personal against me, just a failure on their parts to feel any joy.

zipzap Tue 09-Apr-13 00:56:06

Congratulations! thanks

Maybe she is a bit overwhelmed if all her dd are getting engaged over a short time - if your other two sisters are also getting married this year, then maybe she is thinking 'OMG we promised ed1 (engaged daughter!) that we would give her £xx and it was going to be a bit of a stretch to give the same to ed2 this year too but obviously we need to treat them all the same but how are we going to afford to contribute to a third wedding without any time to save between them and how will I find not one but 3 perfect outfits and will all the guests bother to come to three family weddings in such a short time space and ed3 isn't going to get a good deal out of this as nobody will be able to afford to come to her wedding and buy her a present and we were planning on having a nice relaxing holiday after ed2's wedding and now we won't be able to to and I'll just spend the next few months having to organise everybody's wedding and I won't have any life to myself and and and and and....

(and yes, that was deliberately one reallllly long sentence - if your mum is panic-ing about things like this then there are probably a million thoughts running through her mind all competing for space and not really processing any of them.

Not of course that you are expecting any money from them or want/expect any help planning your wedding but you might find that she is expecting to (I was really quite surprised by the amount of input my mum wanted to have in planning my wedding as I'd mistakenly thought that it was my wedding but no, seems that every mum wants to have a second go at organising a wedding to do the things they got wrong or that weren't available when they got married hmm)

Christmasberry Tue 09-Apr-13 01:16:37

Did he ask your dads permission? Maybe she could be upset about this if he didn't?

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:46:33

alibaba thank you- re TTC I just needed some timescales, not necessarily a baby RIGHT now.

Yes I've thought about it and I'm going to just leave it for now- I really don't want to make a 'thing' about it by trying to get answers.
The thing is- I wonder if my mum is even aware of how she came across although I think she must be, surely?

christmasberry no he didn't ask my father's permission, but this is something I'd never have expected him to do, nor is it something my parent have ever talked to me about.

I have never really discussed marriage with my mum although she has said on a few occasions that her & my dad are 'traditional' whatever that means as she did not elaborate.

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:47:32

I think they may have had a 'shotgun wedding' before I was born- I certainly don't think it was in the plan for me to appear!

Congratulations smile I remember your previous threads as well, glad you got the outcome you hoped for.

The first thing my mum said when we announced our engagement was 'are you sure?'. She's getting excited about the wedding now but it still hurt at the time that she couldn't congratulate us.

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:59:19

zipzap thanks for the congrats..I've got younger brother & sister (18 months difference- twins). So I am the eldest.

I know my parents are contributing to my brother's wedding though am unsure how much. With my sister they are paying for her dress, although her fiancé and his family are pretty well off so I don't think they're contributing anything else.

We have not asked for any contribution at all, we're still trying to work out the budget etc. put it this way- we're not expecting a lump sum from them or anything.

Maybe it is wedding overload, but my siblings are in a different situation- one has a young baby and the other is expecting in a couple of months. They both have mortgages- they are all younger than me...me & OH want to have kids but I'm 35 already and am not prepared to wait another couple of years to get married to leave a 'suitable gap' after my siblings' wedding.
If anything I need to crack on with everything now! smile

Bunbaker Tue 09-Apr-13 20:06:45

OH and I lived together before we decided to get married. when we told our families no-one was at all surprised because it was "on the cards" so to speak. MIL just said "Oh I am pleased" and I can't even remember my mum's reaction. I recall feeling a little deflated by their reactions, but it didn't last long.

They were both pleased for us but just weren't the sort of people to jump up and down for joy.

Perhaps your mum is the same and perhaps she is thinking about the expense of yet another family wedding.

Congratulations anyway.

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 20:17:17

AKiss thanks a lot, yes very happy! smile
Yes it's hard as over the last few days it has been stick in my mind how my mum seemed- and how it made my OH feel.

I've decided that I don't want to turn it in to a thing and make a big deal about it, but I'm not going to forget about it soon.

amandine07 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:11:55

Has been a great week seeing friends and other family members sharing our news- everyone has been delighted to hear that we're getting married!

Not been in touch with my mum for over a week (this is not unusual), my OH is keen for me to talk to her and find out what the problem is.

I've decided to ignore things for now and not make a big issue. To be honest, I think my mum would probably deny not being happy despite the look on her face and lack of anything positive to say.

To those who asked re the parents in law- my OH's parents live abroad in Italy and they have never met my parents and probably won't until the wedding day.
Have decided to just enjoy the moments & get planning with the OH for the wedding and our future together smile

seriouscakeeater Tue 16-Apr-13 19:32:07

Congratulations!!!!!!!!

She might be feeling old and left out...ignore and enjoy! xx

amandine07 Tue 16-Apr-13 20:25:22

Thank you!
I want to get my mum involved as much as possible but she really doesn't seem that impressed with our plan to get married!

Maybe it's all too much as my two younger siblings are getting married this year. Maybe she's hoping that as I'm the eldest I'll stay at home keep her company when she's elderly and my father is driving her insane! wink

AnyoneforTurps Tue 16-Apr-13 20:44:57

Well I don't think YABU at all. Who cares if you're 35 or have lived together? It's still a very exciting step and an important new phase of your life.

Hard to know why your DM reacted like this. My mother was the same - 2 months after we got engaged, she hadn't even bothered to tell her best friend. In my DM's case, I think it was she is essentially uninterested in anything that isn't about her.

Lovesabadboy Tue 16-Apr-13 22:11:10

Congratulations Amandine!

My mum actually reacted angrily when we told her we were engaged. sad
It was horrible and washed away our excitement.
We were 24 and 29, so not exactly youngsters!

The next day, she rang me at work (although I still lived at home, and did until we got married) to say that she had already rung the vicar to get the ball rolling. shock and was absolutely full of it!

It was obviously utter shock that had made her react in such a horrid way.

I really hope that you find it is the same with your mum. flowers

amothersplaceisinthewrong Tue 16-Apr-13 22:15:31

My Mother rang me up after we announced our engagment in person to them and said that she did not think DH was the right man, I should call the whole thing off, it would never work. That was 26 years ago and we are still going strong

in her case it was all about control....

amandine07 Wed 17-Apr-13 19:59:43

Thank you!

Well it remains to be seen how my mum is as we get going with the preparations. I really hope she shows some interest and enthusiasm...it's been lovely to have had such wonderful messages from friends and other family.

It just left a really horrible, sinking feeling in my stomach- that's whyi posted this thread in the first place. It wasn't about wanting the world to jump up and down screaming about our news, or even for my mum do that. I just wanted her to seem happy and give us both a hug.

I don't want this to set the tone for future relations, that's why I've not said anything so far. My OH definitely felt frostiness from my mum, he's commented that he's going to give my parents a wide berth for a while.
So, completely the opposite scenario to what i was hoping after telling my parents! [

amandine07 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:00:09

Thank you!

Well it remains to be seen how my mum is as we get going with the preparations. I really hope she shows some interest and enthusiasm...it's been lovely to have had such wonderful messages from friends and other family.

It just left a really horrible, sinking feeling in my stomach- that's whyi posted this thread in the first place. It wasn't about wanting the world to jump up and down screaming about our news, or even for my mum do that. I just wanted her to seem happy and give us both a hug.

I don't want this to set the tone for future relations, that's why I've not said anything so far. My OH definitely felt frostiness from my mum, he's commented that he's going to give my parents a wide berth for a while.
So, completely the opposite scenario to what i was hoping after telling my parents! sad

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