Am I a boring sexual partner? Honest opinions please

(89 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:50:14

I have posted about our non existant sex ife before but rather than drip feed, I wanted to tell the whole story to date. Sorry if this is breaking any MN etiquette rules, I just really need some other people's perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

RatPants Sat 06-Apr-13 09:56:56

Ok so he has been honest and it's very hurtful. Porn and cannabis are both big problems to lots of sexual relationships but those aside....

You can't take full responsibility for a sex life involving two people. Has he ever initiated something new, done something to change the routine himself if he is bored? Has he ever told you this before?

. He has failed to communicate any of this with you, put any effort in and withdrawn instead. If he has told you this earlier, would you at least have been willing to try it ocassionally? But I bet the last thing you feel like doing now is having sex with him. He is at least as much to blame as you.

I think his view has become warped. Good sex can be had with just one position.

Why is it just your role to initiate new positions etc? Although I agree that you should initiate sometimes, it should not all fall to you.

He needs to stop using porn and you both need to sit down and talk about what you want. Then you both need to make an effort to please each other.

fatfingers Sat 06-Apr-13 09:58:07

I don't think the problem is you at all, I think its him. Tbh he sounds like a lazy, entitled man who thinks he should be able to sit there/lie there and the little woman will run round doing everything for him.

Note that these marvellous, adventurous women he speaks of are his EX gfs i.e. not prepared to give blow jobs to an idle chauvinist for the rest of their lives with nothing in return.

RatPants Sat 06-Apr-13 09:58:49

I'm not a man, sorry, just spotted that.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:06:14

Clever him, he's been a lazy lover, not even bothering with you for years, and he's now managed to make sure this is completely your fault!

I think it is extremely doubtful that he stopped having sex with you as it was 'too boring', the men I know would carry on in this situation whilst wishing for a bit extra.

So- according to him, his porn addiction (which I think is an addiction if it's every night and he would rather do that than do the deed with you) and his cannabis addiction and general lack of sex are all down to your inability to do more than two positions.

What do you think? (I know what I think)

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:21

He is deflecting his own inadequacies on to you.

Cannabis would be the deal breaker for me. I would not have that in my house.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:35

I don't think that if I just become more adventurous in the bedroom it will make everything ok.

I feel as though he is not there with me emotionally when we have sex. He has admitted he is visualising the women in the porn videos when we're having sex. Occasionally I alone have been enough to turn him on and he has actually thought about me during sex. Occasionally as in once or twice.

I cannot bring myself to be open and free and adventurous and less guarded, more vulnerable, with him during sex, because I don't feel attractive to him. He wants huge boobs and bottoms, I am slim and have lost most of my curves after 3 pregnancies and breast feeding.

If he made me feel sexy and 'wanted', the adventurousness would come. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I need a man the make me feel completely secure and desirable in order for me to get to that place where I can let go and be more free and adventurous in bed. I have had this in past relationships, just never with him.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:09:53

I think this is com

FarBetterNow Sat 06-Apr-13 10:10:12

I'm not an man either, but the cannabis is a major issue and 99% the cause of his lack of drive in his life.
I think he is addicted to the cannabis and porn - he probably goes off into all sorts of fantasies whilst wanking.

His idea of sex is purely for him having pleasure - he is too selfish to even enjoy giving you pleasure.
I'm speaking as someone whose XH had and still has cannabis addiction and I've watched my DD relationship with her husband fall apart for the same reason.
My son-in-law would give up cannabis for a few weeks and then start again.
He blames my DD for all their problems, nothing is his fault.

I think you must feel like you've been kicked in the belly.

Best wishes to you.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:13:46

So, according to him or the way he makes you feel, you haven't got the right body, you don't do the right things and it's all up to you to initiate sex with him or it won't happen. Telling you he is thinking about porn stars instead of you is extremely undermining.

He is the one with the problem, as someone else said, he's projecting all this onto you (how convenient that it is your fault and not his, now he doesn't have to change in the slightest!)

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:15:04

I agree he has these issues to work through, and I will help and support him. But I will also have periods of complete anger and resentment. I am questioning our entire relationship. He has sought counselling so he is taking steps.

But what if he cannot change a lifetime of 'objectifying' women during sex? What if has never had real loving sex and doesn't know how to? What if he's just inherently lazy and can never change?

I could leave him but I come from a broken home myself and cannot inflict that damage onto my children. I find myself looking at other men and imagining having an affair, craving passionate sex with someone who actually wants me.

Branleuse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:16:15

Tell him that if hes not even the kind of man who can take the lead in bed, or even be bothered to have sex because hed rather sit in front of his computer and wank, then it really doesnt inspire you to swing from the chandaliers either, and if his ex girlfriends were so hot, then maybe he should just fuck off back to them, cos THEY worked out really well didnt they?

Hes being a cunt, and totally deflecting his own inadequacies, back onto you.
Dont take it to heart xxx

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:16:29

Posted too soon I meant its completely his issue not yours. By the sounds of it from watching too much porn- which us very make pleasure orientated he justs expects you to do all the work.

I agree with you I like a man to make the moves if makes me feel sexy and wanted. I sometimes wear a dress where dp can see I have stockings on and he always makes a move- it might be worth a try.

It also doesn't sound like your sex life has ever been what you both wanted its maybe worth getting a bottle of wine in and having an open discussion about both your fantasies and expectations- it seems like you know his but he doesn't know yours.

Is watching pirn together something you would consider?

Have you thought about one of those sex bans where you start off with kissing and massarges and over a month build up to oral sex then sex- anticipation always makes things better.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:20:06

Also do you really think the issue is your sex life or him being selfish in general putting his wants and needs above your feelings

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:20:22

It's his issue.

Imfeel angry reading this thread, on your behalf. I'm sorry, he sounds like a waste of space who is now becoming a wanker by blaming you for everything.


higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:22:38

Branleuse I would LOVE to say exactly that to him. I know that it's not ALL down to him, that I have played a part because it takes two. I am just trying to get over the way this has left me feeling. If I cannot get over my body confidence issues - ie: I feel embarrassed to take off my bra because my boobs don't look like the women on his porn sites. If I can't get over that, how are we ever going to have a good sex life?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:25:00

Sorry, that was intemperate.

It sounds to me as if he has always been lazy and the cannabis use is symptomatic of his inabilty to face life as it really is.

I cannot imagine you really wanting to have sex with a man like that. Please do not let him grind your confidence down.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:27:16

So, his blame game has worked to some extent. It is ridiculous to suppose that you can change this by taking off your bra, he's not interested in sex and hasn't been for several years and quite frankly, even if you were Pammy Andersen, I think it's unlikely he would be interested as he is addicted to porn which is undemanding, has no needs of its own and he doens't have to make an effort.

Normal people like people with normal bodies and would have sex with your bra on if it was such a big deal. He has massive issues and you are not going to be able to deal with them by suddenly becoming more liberated, especially as he never initiates sex.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:29:07

Op there is only so many times of being turned down anyone can take before they stop trying so don't blame yourself.

I don't know how to link but the dm recently did an arrival of pirn stars before and after make up believe me it will make you feel better.

And pornstars tits didn't look like pornstars tits before the majority had surgery.

He possibly feels inadequate in other areas of your relationship so has manipulated the situation to place the blame on you.
Is it only your sexual relationship? Or has he previously blamed you for his other failings? (Drug abuse, lack of motivation etc)

He is lazy and selfish.
Porn sex is not real, but when used as frequently as he is using it warps definitions of good sex.

I can't believe he expects to just lie there whilst you do all the work!

And I would suggest watching porn together is a terrible idea. It will give him the opportunity to say "See? Why can't you do that?", and reinforce his ideas that what he wanks to nightly is normal sex.

Makes me so angry on your behalf, op.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:34:50

I haven't kept my bra on in the past during sex, but after this I can't imagine exposing my body to him or at least the parts I'm a little self conscious about, because I am so far off what he gets turned on by.

Thank you for all the responses, they are very much appreciated.

I suppose in a nutshell I don't feel 'desirable' enough to be more liberated and less conservative in bed. And him fantasising about other women when he has sex with me isn't helping.

So why don't I feel desirable?? I always have done in the past. My body isn't what it was after children, and I don't feel we have a loving connection during sex. He's always wanting to flip me over therefore not look at my face. I also resent him for not making an effort to take me out on dates or do anything romantic.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 10:35:00

am i a boring sexual partner? honest opinions please
goodness, its been such a long time, i can hardly remember confused. perhaps we should...oh, sorry blush, I see what you mean grin

hello again

together you didn’t share good sex even at the start of the relationship – you wanted more, but kept quiet. lack of communication – if he’d been open to communication, you would have told him.

cannabis addiction – reducing not only desire but also size of your relevant bits. google it. have a quiet laugh.

porn – as i said the other day, he probably finds it easier than doing the negotiation needed for excellent sex, or for any sex.

no effort in the relationship – very common in men who are married or have children. they think that box is ticked, no more work to do. they don’t know that sex is 24/7, involving all the things you say and do in between.

we went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it. – this is in a six-year relationship? get out of it. you’ll never get the sex you need.

we talked last night and he is going to seek counselling – hope it works.

he says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable – maybe. did he ask you for something different at the time? lack of communication.

i need some male perspectives – not male but i love to give my opinion

i am the driving force – he’s passive and lazy. but could he also have a condition, say a communication-linked one, that holds him back?

i need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex – maybe you two are just incompatible.

i haven't ever done that for him. It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when … - so he doesn’t care what you want, and you don’t care what he wants, really, do you?

i just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else - so sex is your preferred battleground? or do you want to be boss everywhere but in bed?

or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is, based on porn – maybe. but even so, there are things you could do to improve your relationship.

i’m sorry you’re sad. but taken overall, is this relationship worth the effort it would take, from both of you, to make it right?

BreasticlesNTesticles Sat 06-Apr-13 10:36:19

What a complete arse shock

Really! What a self interested, selfish, misogynistic, hurtful, selfish prick. Did I mention selfish?

He told you he fantasises about other women?!!!!

He is shit in bend and blaming you. Seriously.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:36:38

Absolutely, this is not just about sex.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 10:37:41

and stop blaming your adult body - it isn't that you are imperfect, its the relationship... him and you together...

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 06-Apr-13 10:40:58

OP - I've been with DH for 25 years. Sex isn't the be all or the end all for us and of course we have had our ups and downs over the years. Although the cannabis would be an absolute deal breaker for me and the porn would upset me if it were an integral part of his life or hard in any way, what would be the ultimate deal breaker would be the lack of love.

We might not be the most exciting people in the world or have the most exciting sex life but even if we too tired or just want a quick bonk there is always love and lots of affection.

He really doesn't sound very nice and do you really want to be in this situation when your dc are much more vulnerable teenagers.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:43:47

I can only speak for myself, but if my partner is not giving me what I need in our relationship, there is no way i want to have sex with him. Moreover, ofmhe has hurt me by criticising deeply personal,aspects of myself - my body, my sexual technique, there's no way I want to have sex with him.

I would be more worried about you right now if you felt like it.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:45:27

Xpost mariried. I have been with my DH for over 20 years. Totally agree with you.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:46:01

If you have been critised to the point you don't feel comftable to be yourself in bed or take your clothes off in front of him a) he's not the right person and b) it sounds like he's being ea.

What does he bring to the relationship?

There are blokes out there that love real women and care about their needs don't sell yourself short

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:48:48


You would want to initiate new things and do things for him if you felt warm and respectful,towards him.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:51:54

Thanks b4bunnies. Your post had got me thinking about what I am doing wrong which I needed. I know it's not all him.

Do I want to be the boss everywhere but in bed? Gosh, maybe??? I am self confessed control freak. In the beginning he made most of the decisions concerning our life, and over time I have begun to do more because frankly, if I don't, it just doesn't get done. I do like getting my own way but I ASK him to get involved in things, ie: our children's schools, let's research the local schools and visit a few as our eldest is nearing that age. He doesn't do anything. It's like this with most things. In his own words, he is 'reactive' not 'proactive'. I often say to him I'm like a PA - when something needs to be done, I go off an research all the options (only after discussing with him and asking him to look into things too), then I present him with the options and we choose/make the final decision together. Except he hardly ever has a preference and is happy to just go along with what I suggest.

Do I care what he wants in bed? I did, in the beginning. But I am guilty of being a bit lazy in bed too, for example, I could have made more of an effort and reciprocated more with certain things. I don't know why I didn't - I think because I wanted more effort to come from him before I 'rewarded' him. That sounds completely messed up I know.

Then over time I grew resentful. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he wasn't giving me what I needed in our relationship.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:09:53

I first began to feel resentful after this happened -

We were dating, in love and he would always tell me he wanted to marry me, and have children together. I felt the same, he asked me to move in with him after 6 weeks but I didn't, I just thought it was too soon.

Then I fell pregnant with our first baby. It wasn't planned and happened when I switched my brand of pill halfway through my cycle. My GP advised me I would still be protected though I was changing brands.

We were both overjoyed anyway and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I moved in with him and gave up my place as his insistence. I wanted us to buy our own place together but he insisted we live in the house he already had.

The day after I told him I was pregnant, he said "shall we get married?" I said I didn't really want to be a pregnant bride but asked him to promise that I would have a ring on my finger - that he would propose - before I gave birth. And he never did. And I've always resented him for it deep down. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he didn't do what he's promised and what I needed from him.

He did propose properly about 6 months after our baby was born, but by then I wanted a 'grand gesture', as in he whisks me away or takes me somewhere special to propose. Bt he didn't, he cooked me a meal at home. And he bought me a 'temporary' ring rather than the real thing.

Sorry to drip feed this information but this thread is bringing back some stuff that I have buried away or has been lost in the fog of all the pregnancies and newborns. I hardly ever sit and think about our problems, we're just too busy with the day to day.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:19

Re: the reward thing you mention. It does not sound messed up. All relationships, aside from those with our young children, are based on reciprocity. I think that is completely realistic.m

The question I have is, why did you let him get away with a lack of drive and reciprocity, if that is what you need? Do you feel sorry for him?

I think you are in danger of labelling yourself a control freak when what you are asking for is entirely normal, when what he gives, is NOT

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:40

Re reading my post it sounds as though I fell pregnant after 6 weeks together. I didn't, we had been together for about a year and a half when I fell pregnant.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:14:08

X post

Will read your later post

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:15:40

Jamie, I think I just felt so lucky to have him. I thought he was amazing and clever and not 'messed up' as I was. I had a difficult time growing up with divorced parents, one emotionally absent and the other abusive.

It was much easier to believe the problem was me because I had these 'issues'.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:27:12

Ok. This is getting into areas that I know other people on here will be able to help with, but i was really struck by your last post. I bet you are too.

When i asked about him, I was expecting you to say he was the one with the really difficult childhood, and you were the rescuer, wheareas, at the beginning you have labelled yourself the fucked up, or potentially fucked up one. That immediately put you ina one- down position, not able to feel you can assert yourself.

What his cannabis and porn addiction shows is that he is as fucked up as you, more maybe because he has bureid whatever problems he has and is now defelcting them onto you, whereas you appear to be aware and eloquent about your issues.

The irony is, that in your efforts to have a happy family, you've put up with his emotional distance, and now are at risk of being beaten down by his, frankly, nasty criticism of you.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 11:29:42

Your psot of 11.09 is interesting as well. It looks like there are resentments you never felt you could voice. Maybe at some point, you could voice them. I wouldn't advise doing it right now

Softlysoftly Sat 06-Apr-13 11:36:55

Honestly I don't think staying together for the kids is the best thing. Your childhood issues were because of abuse and emotional neglect not divorce.

You are modelling to your children that a 1 sided relationship and cannabis addiction is Ok. For them, leave, be a loving confident single mother. This marriage is dead in the water.


higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 11:37:38

Jamie, I have always felt a lot of shame about coming from a broken home. My mother did some unimaginable things and I have always feared I would turn out like her. I recently realised that one of the reasons I have had children is to 'prove' that I am not like her, that I will be a great mother despite being her daughter.

Because my partner comes from a close and well set up family I have felt like the damaged one. That he didn't propose to me and left me as a 'girlfriend' and didn't give me the status of 'fiancé' when I had our first DC has compounded these feelings. I felt more of a f*ck up. I hadn't done things properly, ie: married and then had children. People would think I had 'trapped' him.

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 11:56:28

As said up the thread, you both sound highly incompatible.

You've posted some things now that make me go hmm about yourself too.

But the cannabis use would be the thing for me. He'd be right out the door. You have children in the house and he's spliffing away? Not a chance in hell.

However I think you need to speak to someone about your feelings regarding your growing up. Because if you aren't happy with yourself, you'll never be happy with anyone.

By your own admission, you thought you could mould your DP into your ideal of what a relationship should be like. That never works, relationships are about give and take and compromise and communication. None of which either of you seem to do.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 11:58:26

higherground could you afford some counselling to work out some of this stuff for yourself. It sounds like you are articulating it for the first time, and I think a few sessions of speaking out about how you found yourself here and what you want to do next would do you the power of good.

It is not your job to repair the damage of the past, in that you can't 'fix' your own marriage as some type of restoration of what your mum did- I'm sure it went way beyond simply getting divorced from what you are saying.

I also think this might be the time to be very real about the man you married, you thought he was 'sorted' and came from a good family so attached yourself to that ideal, but he's a real person too, with quite a lot of flaws and difficulties (though you say he is in work and thought of well). It may be that once you have seen the real him, and he has seen the real you you can decide whether that works or not. But you are very angry at him for not following a certain script of romantic love, and I think you need to own up a bit about how much you projected this romance and good match potential onto him, as he's always been a cannabis addict and you have always pretty much driven everything.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:13:34

Holly you're absolutely right in that I need to be happy with myself first. I have had a few counselling sessions in the past about my childhood.

I don't think of myself as a damaged or broken person anymore. I have talked to friends and read a lot to try to understand my feelings.

However last night after we talked I cried myself to sleep and felt like a little girl again. I was back in my bedroom as a 12 year old girl - I felt exactly as I used to then. I haven't felt like that in over 20 years.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:18:50

mumsy thanks for your post. There's a lot of truth in there. We are both seeking counselling, together and individually.

It's ok for him to have flaws - we all have flaws. I am angry that he doesn't try to help himself even though he can see the negative impact on our family and me.

Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 12:19:02

It sounds as though you both want 'crazy wild sex' but you both want the other one to initiate it.

Could you come to a compromise?

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 12:25:52

worraliberty we do both want the same thing. It sounds so silly when your it as simply as that.

As I'm coming to realise though talking on here, it's about so much more than sex. He has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically, because (I think) he doesn't think he can match up to what I want, so what's the point in trying? And I criticise him too much and resent him and withdraw too.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 12:25:53

Hmm. There's a lot in the news at the minute about the effects of porn on young people and how it gives an unreal view of relationships, love and real life sex. I believe that porn would have the same effect on anyone using it. Sex for you happened in the past but I'd say the problems lie with him as a cannabis and porn user. He has to change his habits in order for you to both get a fulfilling sex life going.
The fact he's bringing ex's into it show he's unwilling to accept the problem is with him. That's a bit low! He's trying to put the onus on you, but as you recognise you went straight to relationship sex, you know the difference. I doubt you are boring at sex.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 06-Apr-13 13:18:06

I agree that he is putting all the blame on you, which is ridiculous.
He wants you to do all the work, in ALL areas of your lives, and that is not fair.
I have several friends with very passive partners, and I don't know how they stand it. It forces you into the role of schoolmarm, always organising everyone and getting exasperated. How boring for you.
I think that the problems are that you still have things to come to terms with r.e your childhood, and that you have settled for a man who is just not suited to you.
I am not a man, but have been accused of acting like on on occasion, and I honestly think that sex doesn't have to be "making lurve" all the time, and everyone sexually objectifies to some extent, but it is also a two way street, and like someone said upthread it is a 24/7 thing.
If you resent someone, it is very hard to feel good in the bedroom with them.
Sometimes, even aside from this, two people are just not sexually compatible. I have slept with men who are quite passive, and sort of expect me to initiate everything, and I hate it! I am sexually aggressive, but need a man who is too, for proper bitey sctrachey jungle sex wink
It's not about positions, or who does what to who (that seems very clinical) but about passion which has been absent from your relationship.
Anyway, get the counselling, but don't expect him to change. Sorry, but past experience tells me that these passive types just don't change. Would I be right in thinking his mum all but wiped his arse for him until he left home?
Just a guess.

Kinnane Sat 06-Apr-13 14:00:31

I think he is probably quite happy and content - he has everything he needs - and maybe it's all about him!! rather than giving much thought to anyone else.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 15:51:55

ifnotnow, yes you would be right in that his mum all but wiped his arse for him befor he left home. She still does to some extent. Even once he left home he still had his mum cooking and cleaning for him.

I feel so depressed. Where do we go from here? I don't want to separate. But what if he never changes.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:00:05

How can you still want to make it work ? I don't understand.

This man is

1) an habitual drug user

2) has detached from your relationship

3) has a porn habit and throws it in your face to the detriment of your own self esteem

4) is shit in bed and blames it on you

What is there to work on ?

Xenia Sat 06-Apr-13 16:07:40

I think a lot of it she likes about him, just the sex/relationship bit is bad.
It sounds like before you married neither of you checked for compatibility - he wants a woman in charge and you want a man in charge. Instead you both picked someone who was sexually the total opposite of what you both need and now you're stuck with it so he masturbates and you wait around for the 4 times a year you can nag him into some kind of sex.

So the answer is to talk about it, see someone (eg a sex therapist), each do some things the other wants even if you or he doesn't like it, compromise, look at his porn - lots of women have no problem with porn by the way, see if there is any porn or erotic you might like and he could share with you, try to spend more time together so you feel closer.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:11:00

OP, don't stoop so low as to ask him to "share his porn" with you, after everything he has said. It will make you feel even more like shit.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:26:30

I am quite adventurous in bed but with someone like him I wouldnt put effort in im afraid.

I think the issue here is porn ive had a variety of boyfriends and the best sex was with non porn users. Rare porn users are okay in bed but porn addicts are just crap.

They expect everything done and they dont put any effort in they want a porn movie but forget that they are nowhere near being like a pornstar themselves in bed.

If me and dp split up I wouldnt go out with a porn user they are not as good in bed, among other reasons. Enough reasons not to ever use porn imo.

You dont sound like the problem here.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:34:07

You'll get a lot of opinions here that porn use is your issue but it doesn't sound like he's addicted, rather he uses it as a relief due to your non existent sex life. Just because a man uses porn doesn't mean he has unrealistic expectations of sex - it's often either because sex is too much hassle or not available and he just wants a quick relief, or he does not find the sex on offer to be exciting so can't be bothered with it. Even many men with good sex lives use porn with no knock on effect to their relationship.

The majority of men don't compare normal women to porn stars, thats another silly misconception, and insulting to the intelligence of men in general. Do women compare all their boyfriends to the male celebs they drool over in magazines? Of course not.

Your issue does sound very much like he doesn't find sex interesting and enjoyable enough to put the effort in to get it, and your refusal to ever initiate anything is almost certainly a large contributory factor. He may well be just as much at fault as you, but do not fall into the trap of putting it all down to porn when that may not even have anything to do with your problems at all.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:37:39

Take eastlands im sure as he advocates porn he is probably crap in bed.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:38:34

You haven't RTFT have you, eastlands ?

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 16:38:49

Oh god. I have just found emails in his deleted folder with his membership confirmations to 3 sites for meeting people for sex. Flirt, Shagaholic and Be Naughty.

I am shaking. Please someone hold my hand.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:40:40

Thanks for that comprehensive rebuke crawling. I'll boil it down more to your level:

"I can't get a job"

Daily Mail: Blame immigrants.

"My boyfriend isn't interested in sex with me".

Mumsnet: Blame porn.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:43:13

Habitual porn use is known to, in some cases where an individual's boundaries and moral compasses are fucked, escalate to seeking out RL sexual experiences outside of a primary relationship

I am sorry, OP. No doubt he will blame that on you too.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:46:13

I dont need to be more comprehensive I have had many sexual partners and how good they are directly responds to how much porn they use.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 16:48:50

He may have already been unfaithful. How can I know, how can I ever know when he lies, lies, lies.

This is the deal breaker. He has looked for it, whether he has done anything or not.

I knew, I just knew there was more to come.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:12

Oh higher ground im so sorry.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:17

my goodness. hand for holding here. don't panic.

if this means your relationship is over, it will be a blessed release. even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

it is not your fault. he's a weirdo. change the locks. keep the car, dog and all documents. and of course, the children.

be strong. this is your chance of freedom. if you don't act now you'll be seen as condoning his behaviour and it won't look good on divorce documents - are you married? you mentioned marriage. you need all his bank statements, bills, everything. get them to a safe place.

don't think. just act in your own interests and that of your offspring. you can think in two years' time when you're free of him. don't talk to him about it. silently get it done.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:50

"how good they are directly responds to how much porn they use."

Or to look at it another way, the worse the sex is, the more they have to resort to looking at porn.

Although it's highly dubious that you have an accurate perception of the level of porn use of your partners.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:10

Anyway I agree that if he's joined a site looking for 'encounters' the relationship is beyond salvage. Time to move on.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:26

Eastlands, have you picked up on the OP's distress at all ?

Your agenda is unwelcome here.

Best you withdraw with whatever grace you can find within yourself.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:52

Im a tomboy and most of my sexual partners were mates who unfortuatly treated me like one of the guys and I was involved in many discussions about things id rather not be including their porn use.

As I am the same woman I doubt I can be acceptable in bed to one and not another.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:55:13

Here's a hand and a hug.

I'm sorry to say it, but your relationship sounds beyond salvaging to me sad

He sounds like a complete wanker and if I were to be totally honest, you sound like quite hard work. I think you would be better off apart and even though you suffered through your parents separating, it's no so uncommon these days and your DC wont feel the way you did. This relationship isn't doing any of you any good sad

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:59:08

Sorry, cross posted, I wrote that before you'd even found the emails sad

You will be better off without him.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 17:00:04

"Your agenda is unwelcome here."

The OP asked for honest opinions, and a male perspective. Maybe it is you who has not read the thread properly.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:11

I sound like quite hard work from my posts Eggs. Ok, I'll take that on the chin. What made you say that? Asking because as I've said previously, I know this situation is down to both of us it takes two.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:57

Chipping sorry not eggs.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:36:45

We're not married. He owns our home. I own another house that we don't live in. We don't have anything jointly.

NicholasTeakozy Sat 06-Apr-13 17:38:40

I've just RTFT and I'm astounded at his idiocy. For a man to compare his partner unfavourably to other women, let alone porn 'actresses', is frankly not on. That he blames you for his deficiencies is beyond appalling, he really should have a good look at himself first.

I see that he's been looking around dating sites. What an utter tosser. I'm so sorry, not all of us are like your H.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 06-Apr-13 17:39:29

Welcome to mumsnet, Eastlands. It's possible to be honest and compassionate, y'know.

danielle1981 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:43:01

Time to make some ground rules if you have even a small chance of saving him

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:48:41

I can't be certain he has looked at these sites. The emails, they are activation emails and I think they have been generated from the other sleazy porn sites he's been looking at. When I log into his account, there is no activity. He hasn't filled out a profile.

I have just seen a message come up from his dealer though on his mobile. He has ordered more cannabis. Probably to help him deal with the fall out of all this. He's so f***ing weak. I can't stand it. It's so draining 'babysitting' him.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 17:55:57

Higher I didn't mean it in a nasty way, honest. It's hard to say it's 'this' or 'this' - it's more just in the way you write things. I think it's caused by your childhood and aggrivated by living with this selfish twat though really sad

A couple of the 'more obvious' bits would be

...(he said that) he would propose - before I gave birth. And he never did. And I've always resented him for it deep down. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he didn't do what he's promised and what I needed from him

Why didn't you talk to him about it, rather than build up resentment? Maybe he felt the time wasn't right for a number of different reasons?

He did propose properly about 6 months after our baby was born, but by then I wanted a 'grand gesture', as in he whisks me away or takes me somewhere special to propose. Bt he didn't, he cooked me a meal at home. And he bought me a 'temporary' ring rather than the real thing

Not all men are made of Mills & Boon stuff - sadly. Most of them are just fairly normal human beings who lack the capacity to mind read and having been 'knocked back' previously, maybe he was worried you'd say no again?

It's ok for him to have flaws - we all have flaws. I am angry that he doesn't try to help himself even though he can see the negative impact on our family and me

Can he see the impact it's having though?

Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations

In all honesty, I expect he can't. I also think if you get into another relationship you need to be able to 'talk' more about what you need and not just expect someone else to know what you need (errm, I didn't learn this the easy way myself!!! blush)

He is an ARSE, no doubt about it! You will be MUCH better of without him and his horrible attitude. I only really said it so you would think about it for your own happiness & future relationships iyswim.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 17:57:43

Activation emails? Doesn't that mean he has registered with them though?

Bartlebee Sat 06-Apr-13 18:05:39

My friend is a relationship counsellor and says that porn users she sees frequently have shit sex lives.

He sounds like an utter twat and you're never going to be enough for him. No real person is.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 18:48:05

I know I haven't said so in my post, but I DID talk to him about the proposal, many, many times. I explained why it was important to me, that I needed him to keep his promise etc etc.

Yeah I have been a bit of a silly cow about the actual proposal. He did make an effort.

I've tried talking to him so many times but it's just pointless. He says nothing, then eventually shouts at me and leaves the room/goes for a cigarette/goes to bed. He doesn't do talking. It's another one of my frustrations in the relationship.

Dozer Sat 06-Apr-13 18:55:42

Leave the bastard.

anonymosity Sat 06-Apr-13 19:59:17

I am sorry to say it but you just sound completely mis-matched and that whatever you had between you has run its course. I am so sorry though because if you have DCs, which you do, then its going to be tougher to walk away. I hope you find some resolution.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 21:01:43

I can't help noticing that you turn criticisms of him onto yourself. I don't think you do have high expectations (in fact your acceptance of him despite his cannabis addiction suggests your standards were a bit low) .

That's fine - you know him and are trying to be scrupulously fair. But to me, he just seems like an arse.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 21:03:15

"Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations"

^ this is the bit I mean

BinksToEnlightenment Sat 06-Apr-13 21:23:31

This is not a good relationship, op. You're staying with someone who can never give you what you need. I can relate to you with your past, and I do appreciate the effect your need to prove yourself has, but this is not the way to do it.

Prove to yourself how far you've come since childhood by having the courage to leave a bad relationship and be happy through independence.

This is so much more than bad sex. It's fundamental incompatibility.

Please believe me that you'll be happier without the burden of trying to be someone you're not on your shoulders.

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