To expect DP to tell his ex wife to push off?

(224 Posts)
Louiseteacher30 Fri 05-Apr-13 23:24:07

Will try and keep this brief

Basically DP and I have been together just over a year, when we met he had recently separated from his wife with whom he has a 4 year old daughter. At the beginning of our relationship things were difficult; his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled. Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago.

Whilst DP receives less phone calls, his ex wife has begun texting odd requests for favours, none of which are linked to their daughter. Some of the most recent ones have included:
- Career advice - both are doctors so I can sort of understand that one
- requests for support with fixing an email account/ setting up new software on a mobile phone
- A very odd request to bring back some duty free for her when we go on holiday

DP receives these texts at least 4 times a week, sometimes favours, sometimes mindless drivel.

He appears quite chilled about it all, he sometimes responds, sometimes ignores them.

AIBU to expect DP to tell the ex to push off and get a job/life/boyfriend?

babybarrister Fri 05-Apr-13 23:25:23

I sense this is going to end badly grin

mummymeister Fri 05-Apr-13 23:27:15

its still only a short time since they split up and some people have issues with being able to move on. your DP's ex is clearly one of these people. i personally think you are being a bit unreasonable. had it been 3 yrs then would say DP needs to be firmer. perhaps he needs to stop reading the texts and making any sort of response as of now but if he wants to help out then not sure what you can do to stop him.

Maybe the four year old is unsettled because her DM and DF split up and he quickly started a new relationship and this is all very recent.

RatPants Fri 05-Apr-13 23:30:04

She's probably still hurting over the break up, possibly trying to win him back an he sounds as though he is dealing with it sensitively. I think the best thing for you to do would be to ignore it, perhaps ask gently about it if you feel the need but ask out of concern, not jealousy, she is an ex, not a threat and you need to show him that you don't perceive her to be as such. Otherwise you come across as aggressive, possessive and a lot of other quite unattractive things. She is possibly chancing her arm. Where he is concerned, show pity towards her, not anger. Play it clever.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 23:30:33

I don't have any experience in things like this, but if it's not bothering your DP (and he seems in control of it if he sometimes answers/sometimes doesn't) and not directly affecting your life as such, why would you want to?

Could this just be a phase of the general 'tailing off' and her getting to grips with what's gone on?

Or are you more worried that she's trying to control him by being a constant presence in your lives (and is leaning on him too much), which you can't get away from really if they've got a 4 YO together.

Like I say, I'm coming at this with no experience, but maybe the things she was getting miffed about at the start genuinely were worrying her and it was legitimate contact?

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Apr-13 23:31:03

I think it's quite nice that they can now have a 'matey' relationship.

Perhaps it's taken her this long to finally accept that he moved on quite quickly.

I wouldn't feel threatened by it if I were you, just try to think of it as being good for their DD.

AgentZigzag Fri 05-Apr-13 23:31:52

'I sense this is going to end badly'

Have I unknowingly stumbled into something?

MsVestibule Fri 05-Apr-13 23:32:44

Why is it a very odd request to bring back some duty free confused. WRT the email account etc, presumably he did that sort of thing while they were together and she's finding it hard to work it out herself or find somebody else to assist.

Whilst they're not exactly friends, they seem to have worked out some sort of truce, which is surely a good thing. I do agree that exes (mine and my partners) should just conveniently just drop off the face of the earth, it just doesn't work that way when children are involved.

lockets Fri 05-Apr-13 23:32:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChaoGoesMu Fri 05-Apr-13 23:33:29

I don't think its so bad. Is there more that you're not saying op?

BruthasTortoise Fri 05-Apr-13 23:34:03

Seperate yourself from your DPs text messages from his ex. His ex, his problem. As long as it is not impinging on your life together then you shouldn't even need to know about them. Do you tell your DP about every text you receive?

MsVestibule Fri 05-Apr-13 23:36:39

his now ex wife would make life difficult for both of us and this directly effected the behaviour of their daughter who was extremely unsettled.

How on earth could you possibly know this is what caused her to become unsettled hmm. Were you the family psychologist? I feel very sorry for a young child whose father leaves the family home and starts a new relationship so quickly. Would love to read her mother's side to this story.

LilQueenie Fri 05-Apr-13 23:38:50

Sorry OP I think you miss the point that she already has a life. She is a mother to the child she shares with you partner. How do you feel about him having a child? Did you expect him not to have contact with her?

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:38:51

They have a daughter together. Where exactly is she supposed to 'push off' to?

If you are feeling insecure you need to talk to your partner about it.

Machli Fri 05-Apr-13 23:39:25

Yes, maybe she's just trying to be friends! Gosh what a TWAT! angry. Maybe being friends is better for her dd but he certainly should put a full grown woman (yourself obviously) before that. For sure!

<<rolls eyes>>

CloudsAndTrees Fri 05-Apr-13 23:41:40

YABVU.

Why on earth shouldn't he be civil and even friendly with the woman he created a child with just because you don't like it? hmm

Pathetic attitude you have going on there.

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:45:01

She will be a part of his life for a long time as their child is only 4. You will need to learn to dal with this without bitterness or it is going to damage your relationship.

BruthasTortoise Fri 05-Apr-13 23:46:09

In all fairness it can be difficult if your DP is friends with his/her most recent ex especially if the ex isn't in a new relationship and the friendship is mainly coming from the direction of the ex. However when children are involved, difficulties have to be overcome gracefully and peacefully for their sake.

Buzzardbird Fri 05-Apr-13 23:49:03

It might be difficult for ex to "get a job" as she has been left with a pre-school child who probably needs her a lot after the trauma of her family being broken up?
wonder how you would feel if you were her?

Booyhoo Fri 05-Apr-13 23:49:31

why is it a problem that she asks him for favours? if its something he wants to do then he does, if not then he doesn't.

i dont like my ex but we have to have a relationship for our dcs sake and mostly it is amicable. he has made it clear quite a few times (when i've mentioned trouble with stuff in the house) that he will happily take a look at whatever it is. he has offered to service my car (he is qualified) and he has called me to ask me to pick something up for him as it was in my town and he wouldn't make it before closing time. i have no problem with doing him a favour the same way i would do it for my dad or my friend. and my Ex is engaged so there is the possibility of her being annoyed but as it happens she is lovely and sensible and realises that from now til the end of time i will be in her partner's life and that it will be a shitload easier for all of use if we can all just get over ourselves and be normal adults.

it is soooo much easier being on friendly terms with people than just deciding to make it awkward because you think that's how exes should be with each other. it really is. it really drains you having constant negative feelings about someone. why dont you just decide to accept that this is how their relationship is (because they do and always will have a relationship of some sort) and that you're fine with it. you can choose how you feel about this. it doesn't have to be negative. also, you/he might need a favour from her at some point.

MissPricklePants Fri 05-Apr-13 23:50:34

I love how you say she needs to get a boyfriend, as adding another adult into the mix is really in the best interest of their dd. Ever crossed your mind she doesn't want one? Not all single parents get partners as quick as your DP has. Here is an idea, how about you back off? Deal with it, they are the parents and if they can maintain a civil relationship for their dd then awesome.

Spero Fri 05-Apr-13 23:50:38

Yes it is difficult. But you should have thought about this when you started a relationship with someone recently separated from the mother of a four year old. I bet she was angry and bitter.

But he chose you. You 'won'. So talk to him if this upsets you. Dnd a way forward that doesn't involve his ex wife 'pushing off' - as that will be pretty shit for his child. Or do you want her to 'push off' too?

bluebell8782 Fri 05-Apr-13 23:51:26

Hi Louise
You kinda are but also kinda aren't..not the best thing in the world having an ex in the background constantly, but, if you are going long term this is what you need to expect. Bit unusual texting like she is but at least it's not abusive and just shit. If your partner isn't bothered then you need to try not be..don't feel threatened..believe me..if you are in for the long haul you need to get used to sharing your life and don't sweat the small stuff.

Somethingtothinkabout Fri 05-Apr-13 23:51:51

Push off and get a job/life/boyfriend

Em, diem you not say she was a doctor? hmm

She has a life, sounds like you want her life...

GreenEggsAndNichts Sat 06-Apr-13 00:07:20

YABU. I'm not in this situation, but I have been the child in that situation, and it helped a lot to have parents who had a civil relationship with each other. Also, I have no idea how long they were married, or what the circumstances of the split were, but when I've split amicably with someone we haven't just completely cut off communication.

Your DP doesn't seem bothered by it. He isn't even responding to all of her msgs. You need to relax. Or are you not feeling very confident in this relationship?

nametakenagain Sat 06-Apr-13 00:08:07

Yeah, take it gently. If they get on, its much easier for everyone in the long run.

Ask yourself-of-5years-time-from-now for a perspective. And the you of today should focus on enjoying calm and niceness.

Buzzardbird Sat 06-Apr-13 00:13:00

Also quite a big probability that she is still his 'wife', not an 'ex' but that is besides the point. It said on the label what you were getting when you selected him either return him or try a new recipe.

Spero Sat 06-Apr-13 00:17:48

4 texts a day, you have a problem. Up to four texts a week? I really don't see why you are worried, unless your fears are much more fundamental about the security of your relationship.

VerySmallSqueak Sat 06-Apr-13 00:21:44

I think you should be focussing on that little 4 year old girls feelings of security rather than your own feelings of insecurity.

Stop seeing his ex as a threat as that must be very draining, and start being happy for their daughter that they can communicate so well.

TSSDNCOP Sat 06-Apr-13 00:29:15

So does he give career advice, IT support and DF goods?

If yes. You're toast.

If no. Chill.

Fudgemallowdelight Sat 06-Apr-13 00:30:25

"Recently things have settled down and life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing) that we saw a year ago."

Well it isn't really over nothing is it? He left his wife and little girl and hooked up with someone else. You'll have to hope if you have kids that he doesn't do the same to you.

roundtheback Sat 06-Apr-13 00:39:27

There's a 4-yr-old involved, you all have to get on. Best to get used to that sooner rather than later. She is not conveniently going to disappear off the face of the earth.

As for career advice, medical careers are very hard to navigate, entirely reasonable to ask his opinion. I would ask anyone I got on with about IT problems. And there is nothing odd about duty free requests grin

She is a doctor asking for career advice, she clearly has both a life and a career. A boyfriend is not an essential if the other two things are in place. I am struggling to understand your attitude to this to be honest, it's not coming across as very pleasant.

YouTheCat Sat 06-Apr-13 00:41:56

OP, you sound a bit insecure.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 06-Apr-13 00:43:28

YABU. His Ex, his texts, his time. Nothing to do with you.

Lilipaddle Sat 06-Apr-13 01:16:09

It sounds to me like she's trying to build a friendly relationship to benefit her daughter. If they can chat and be mates, and your DP is happy with her texting (which presumably he is if he's texting back sometimes) then I don't see the issue?

Take yourself out of the equation, and just view it as 2 separate people with a young child. Do you think a child will be happiest with parents who exchange a few formal words a week, full of resentment, or parents who can text each other, ask for support and help when needed, and be civil?

As for the "getting her own life". It sounds like she has her own life, but life is harder with a child. When he signed up to have a child, he signed up to support the childs mum to an extent too. A child with an isolated, unsupported mum is not going to do well.

Lilipaddle Sat 06-Apr-13 01:18:46

Why don't you invite her for a coffee/over to have a chat? Maybe she's a bit lonely.
Your DP's daughter would benefit from seeing everyone getting on too, and it might help your jealousy to get to know her.

K8Middleton Sat 06-Apr-13 01:23:30

Presumably he replies or she wouldn't do it?

Heck I don't care. I just want to see what outrageous and outlandish statements are going to be made.

Fire away!

lovesmileandlaugh Sat 06-Apr-13 07:39:50

I've been here, but as my DSD has grown up, there have been times when we've all been in the same place for her (prom/ graduation etc).

The 'friendship' between DH and his ex did whittle down over time as DSD grew up, but they are still civil, and a united front when they need to be. I suppose I just consider how I would want me and him to be if we weren't together. I would hope we would always be friends and take joint care for our children.

If she is bad mouthing you, that is different. But as long as she is respectful of you, and you of her, I don't really see the problem. I actually think it is great and shows they are mature loving parents.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 08:39:40

Yabu but I can understand why you feel a bit jealous and insecure .

I can understand why the ex was obnoxious at first- if you split with your dh and then he got with someone else very quickly you would wonder if had going on before you split.

Your dp and his ex are tied together for life they will have parents evenings, school plays, birthdays, graduations etc in the future so it's the best thing for their dd that they are amicable.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 06-Apr-13 08:44:03

You are being massively unreasonable!
Why on earth would you complain that she is now being civil and friendly and that things have generally improved? You sound very jealous and insecure.
You seem to want to wipe her from your lives and his memory. Never gonna happen! They have a child, there will always be contact and a bond. Tying yourself in knots over it will just make you miserable. And quite possibly single.

Kiriwawa Sat 06-Apr-13 08:45:50

YABU. I have been in your shoes and I never interfered in communications between my then partner and his ex. They were married, they have a child together, they are going to be talking several times a week for the next 15 years I expect

I suspect you throwing your toys out the pram about this is the quickest way for you to become toast.

McPheetStink Sat 06-Apr-13 08:50:35

Accept she will always have a connection to his life.

If you can't, then move on.

This is what my ex has done. Put yourself in her shoes, with a young child, then see how you respond?

Unless he has an issue, then you should butt out.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 08:55:28

I might be way off the mark op but do you feel like you have lost a bit of closeness to your dp.

In the beginning it sounds like it was the two of you against the unreasonable ex- in a it's us against the world sort of situation and now she's trying to be amicable and work with dp you don't have that.

macdoodle Sat 06-Apr-13 08:58:05

Well different people have different ideas of when actual relationships end. It sounds very much like she didnt actually know it was really over when he got together with you so for her (and probably) DD you are the OW, and the reason her DH/DF left.
You are the one that needs to get a grip. Why is it always the OW who gets to decide when its time for the DW left with the children time to get over it and move on angry
Grow up

Theicingontop Sat 06-Apr-13 08:58:52

Would love to read her mother's side to this story.

Me too.

BeckAndCall Sat 06-Apr-13 09:01:24

The clue might be in the 'recently separated' part of your OP - so far as she was concerned they were probably not over when you started a relationship with her DH. She sees you as having got in the way of them trying to sort out their problems.

pansyflimflam Sat 06-Apr-13 09:06:39

This is none of your business, keep your nose out.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 06-Apr-13 09:08:52

Why does this bother you so much?

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 09:14:41

Your patner and his ex will forever have a relationship as they have a child together.

If you can't cope with that, then it might be better all round if you find someone without a child.

ExcuseTypos Sat 06-Apr-13 09:15:04

Partner

redskynight Sat 06-Apr-13 09:16:12

YABU. He has a child with his ex wife, therefore she will be a part of his life forever. That was your choice when you decided to partner up with him. And since when did 'getting a boyfriend' fix anything, that is just a tragic attitude. Perhaps your 'life' shouldn't revolve so much around your 'boyfriend'. Be stronger than that, and stop caring so much.

Ledkr Sat 06-Apr-13 09:20:06

How old are you because you sound about twelve.
Unfortunately for you you chose to get into a relationship with a recently separated but STILL MARRIED man with a young child.
Therefore it will not be like a relationship with any other guy you've been out with. There will always be ties.
I am remarried and text my ex about twice a week re out chikdren or gossip about joint acquaintances etc. he even does jobs on the house.
He and dh are currently going to the hospital together to be tested to be donors for my ds. That's life.

McPheetStink Sat 06-Apr-13 09:22:56

I so wish this site has a bloody 'like' button!

Ledkr Sat 06-Apr-13 09:42:24

Why would you like this tho?? Genuinely puzzled?

McPheetStink Sat 06-Apr-13 09:49:23

Not the OP, I'm not that stoopid.

Some of the replies make so much sense.

VitoCorleone Sat 06-Apr-13 09:49:33

As others have said, he has a child with this woman, she will always be part of his life, if its too much for you to deal with then perhaps you should leave them to it and find sonebody who doesnt have a child

Ledkr Sat 06-Apr-13 09:51:42

Oh sorry mcpheet [grun]

Theicingontop Sat 06-Apr-13 09:52:12

life has become much calmer with less of the angry phone calls (always over nothing)

She'd recently been left alone (whether amicable or not) to raise her 4yo daughter, to find that her husband had moved on quickly to a new woman. I don't think you're in any position to say that she was angry over 'nothing'.

And now she's over it, being civil and friendly to the father of her child and his girlfriend, you're expecting DP to tell her where to go? Does that extend to his daughter, too? Because you don't get one without the other, I'm afraid. That's what happens when two people have a marriage and a child together.

You sound incredibly naive and selfish.

whilewildeisonmine Sat 06-Apr-13 09:59:44

YANBU. This annoys me too. DP's ex made life as difficult as she could for us in the first 2 years we were together (she still tries to, even now) Her behaviour has certainly affected SDCs relationship with me and caused a lot of problems between me and DP in the past.

While its really annoying that she still texts for random reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with the DC and sometimes I do wish she'd push off and leave us alone, there comes a point where you do just have to try to let it go otherwise it will cause problems between you and DP.

I think, for me anyway, it wouldn't seem as much as an issue if she hadn't been so difficult in the beginning and the friendship and respect went both ways. She would be the first to tell DP to push off if he ever text her for any other reason apart from the DCs!

iamabadger Sat 06-Apr-13 10:04:24

The requests don't sound that odd. And <massive generalisation> most of the doctor couples I know have known each other a long time, maybe been medical school friends before becoming a couple, or worked together when very junior. That gives quite a strong friendship bond too and once the relationship dust has settled I can imagine it would be Beth strange to just cut eachother our completely. Even if they couldn't stand the sight of each other, they would still have to deal with one another so surely an amicable way is better for all concerned. I for one am quite pleased that people in caring professions manage to be pleasant to exes-compassion shouldn't just be confined to a job!

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 10:28:54

I disagree with the other posters on here.

It would annoy me too, they are not friends, they have to be civil as they have a child together but they are not friends.

If i wanted something doing that wasnt child related then the last person i would ask is my ex.

Handovers of the child should be amicable, thats all the contact they should have unless its child related.

Yanbu

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 10:36:35

how do you know they aren't friends losing?

you are projecting. your feelings about your ex are not the 'norm' and not a gudie everyone else should follow. they are individual to you for whatever reasons you have.

Fenton Sat 06-Apr-13 10:40:21

I don't think anything you've said that she's done/asked is odd or OTT.

If things have already moved on from being difficult to a lot calmer in such a short space of time then you are doing pretty well really. It is very early days for you all, the ex and her child particularly.

Four texts a week, provided they are not shitty abusive ones, is not too intrusive - considering also they are from the mother of his child.

You may at this time still feel like she is a fly in the ointment of your relationship but she will always be there, so the sooner you accept that fact and appreciate that actually things are better than they were, the better for all of you.

This is your opportunity to show to her and your partner how accommodating and benevolent you are, - by showing irritation at her texts and requests you will only demonstrate to her that you are insecure about her existence and the history she has with your partner and the fact they share a child.

And pick your battles, really it could be a whole lot worse for a prolonged time - it sounds like you've got it pretty good really.

SinisterBuggyMonth Sat 06-Apr-13 10:44:34

I actually can appreciate that if at the beginning of your relationship you were on the receiving end of abusive calls, it will be unnerving when ExW makes any contacto now. However he has a child with her and will therefore be in contact with her for a lifetime, if he wasn't, I'd be more concerned. It seems like your DP has a good attitude about this.

At no point does OP say that DP or ExW ended the relationship, but alot of posters are assuming it was him, why? OP please try the Step Parenting thread, you might get a more balanced response.

bochead Sat 06-Apr-13 10:48:48

He's not even divorced yet, just separated & there is a pre-school child in the mix? Have I got that right?

Her priority is maintaining a healthy friendship with the father of her child, for the benefit of that child for approximately the next 20 years. They also share a common career in a world where they are bound to have mutual colleagues etc.

Are you wanting a young child's welfare and your partners career to suffer just because you are insecure?

Your legal status is still that of the OW so you are bound to feel a little insecure - that's not the wife's problem & it's not your partner's either. If you can't handle the situation, then go find someone who is free of all ties, legally single and with no children - preferably in a career where your pathetic neurosis cannot cause any harm.

Grow up. YABU.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 06-Apr-13 10:53:17

YABVU. The more civil they are the better for the child.

As for saying she should get a boyfriend, lots of people dont want to parade a variety of "aunts and uncles" through their childrens lives. It unsettles the children who need to know they come first in their parents life not a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Emilythornesbff Sat 06-Apr-13 10:55:39

biscuit

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 10:59:43

bochead you have no idea what X's priorities are! It would be nice to think that her priorities are her child and maintaining a healthy relationship. But my experience of being in OP's position is that nothing could've been further from DP's XW's mind!
Oh yes she tried to make out, to anyone who would listen, what a devoted mother she was and how she was only trying to stay friends with DP. When the reality was that she was, and still is, a manipulative, devious, selfish woman, who uses her own child in her games.

YADNBU OP, but you are in a bloody difficult position. I just passed a comment when it was appropriate but mostly tried to keep my counsel (didn't always work). I tried to understand that I had everything she wanted and I suppose she had reason to be bitter. But there comes a point when she has to get over it and move on. He doesn't want you and no amount of texting, playing the little woman to get jobs done, slagging me off, will change that.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 11:01:13

I understand you're annoyed by this. But she is the mother of his child and he should treat her with respect and he is clearly doing.
If you were the ex-wife, how would you want him to behave?
I don't understand why women get involved with men who have family commitments if they can't handle it!
I have a twisted Step Mother - don't end up like her!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 11:04:09

My DP and his ex have a very amicable relationship for the sake of their daughter. Most subjects they talk about are regarding their daughter. My DP is currently at his ex's at the moment whilst their daughter tries some summer dresses on for school, so he knows what size we need to buy. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Means I can spend a bit of one on one time with my boys.

I honestly don't know about everything she texts my DP. I don't read his messages. But whenever she rings and I can obviously hear the conversation it is matters regarding their daughter. Even if it was a favour, I really wouldn't be arsed a long as it didn't interfere with any plans we had.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 11:04:16

Bochead I couldn't agree with you more.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 11:05:13

SoWhat how refreshing. More like you please.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sat 06-Apr-13 11:09:12

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would walk out on his wife and 3 yr old child. I think that is awful behaviour.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 11:31:39

Maybe the behaviour of the XW was so awful that he couldn't stand it any longer.

It is still a mystery to me how DP stuck with XW for nearly 20 years. I believe that she was EA and practically groomed him!

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 11:33:25

Mythumbs

So the man should just stay in an unhappy relationship just because he has a child with the woman?

It doesnt make him a horrible person at all just because he and his exp are no longer together.

And to the posters who would be fine with the ex texting about none important things..

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

I wouldnt be happy about that. If the ex p cant do things then she needs to learn, or ask someone else, but you dont ask your ex. He shouldnt be the first person on your mind to ask.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 11:35:38

loosing excessweight spot on.

XW needs to move on/push off and find someone else.

OP YADNBU

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 11:38:13

I think the OP should reign her neck in - or her boyfriend will be waltzing off; his first alliance is to his daughter and to do that he needs to retain an amicable relationship with the childs mother, who is still co-incidentally his wife.

Lottashakingoinon Sat 06-Apr-13 11:41:14

It is still a mystery to me how DP stuck with XW for nearly 20 years. I believe that she was EA and practically groomed him!

LOL Penelope are you my XH's DW because I am pretty sure she would say the same about me (as I would about him!) but then she doesn't exactly have an unbiased account/pov!

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 11:41:22

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

Pulling extreme scenarios out of the bag does nothing to strengthen your point grin

I'd feel the silly fucker should have turned his phone off....

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 11:42:24

"Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?"

who the fuck even looks at the phone if it goes off during sex? confused you ignore it knowing you will check it later and ring back/text back if necessary.

and if that is your reason for it being unreasonable for her to text then the same would go for anyone texting someone in a realtionship.

should i not text my mum incase her and dad are having a bit of afternoon delight and i put her off?

your sex life shouldn't be in the forefront of anyone's mind when they need to text the father of their child about something.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 11:48:56

"If the ex p cant do things then she needs to learn, or ask someone else, but you dont ask your ex. He shouldnt be the first person on your mind to ask."

it has only been a year. it takes time to get over the loss of the relationship and learn how to cope on your own. especially if your husband has been your best friend for years! if their set-up was that he dealt with all the techie stuff and was happy to then she never needed to learn as they were a partnership and that's how they worked. forgive the woman for still struggling with it and asking for help only 12 months down the line. i'm sure her priorities in that time have been somewhat different than becoming tech savvy. hmm

SoupDragon Sat 06-Apr-13 11:56:16

Imagine your all geared up for sex with your dp, or maybe just about on the verge of an orgasm, and the phone goes, and its dp ex, how would you feel about that?

I would feel that DP was a total wanker and soon to be an Ex for answering the phone in those circumstances.

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 11:57:37

I'm wondering of it's normal to take your phone to bed? Bizarre.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 12:00:24

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to stop being reliant on your ex once the relationship is over. If the ex in the OP were a friend on mine I would probably be encouraging her to limit these sort of ties with her ex in case the friendship completely sours as some point in the future. I think it's always better to have a support network for personal matters that doesn't include your ex.

On a side note I think some posters have been very quick to judge the OPs DP without knowing the facts. It's not always the man who leaves and if he does it's not always for bad reasons.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Sat 06-Apr-13 12:02:45

Gosh, there is always so much 'baggage' and anger carried into threads about ex's / new partners etc. confused

I agree with most of the posters and agree that the OP should not worry about it. In the long term it is a million times better for everyone, especially the DC's, if all the parties involved get on well.

It really is a case of doing the right thing.

I hope you reflect on the comments in this thread and I hope everything works out OK

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 12:03:02

well you wouldn't be able to add to the list of why she's a bitch from hell get all pissed off with your DP's Ex for ruining the mood if you didn't bring it to the bedroom, so it's kind of necessary to maintain the lovely green colour that you sport so well isn't it?

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 12:03:31

I suppose judging without facts is par for the course when the OP only makes one post.

Jan49 Sat 06-Apr-13 12:04:23

My ex-h left me and our son for OW. One of the things I found hard was his assumption that it would be totally unreasonable for me to expect him to do anything that was connected to our previous lives together, such as sort out his own belongings in our family home rather than leaving me to deal with it all.

Last year we sold the family home and I asked him for help beforehand to clear the garage of his junk. He did it but told our son he didn't see why he should do this. I hate the attitude that one parent can walk out and leave the other with the kids and the one with the kids gets all the responsibility. In fact if I had to go through that time again I'd like to tell my ex "either you deal with it or your belongings will be out in the rain".

Sorry that's a bit off topic, but my point is, you shouldn't just end a relationship and walk away when there are children involved. Your DP will have responsibilities towards his child for the next 14 years. So you can't expect his ex to walk away and have a totally separate life.

Louiseteacher30 Sat 06-Apr-13 12:05:44

Thank you everyone for your contributions; it is very interesting to read so many perspectives and that many of you think IABU.
I did leave a few details out of my original post as I typed in haste, DP ex wife left him after she had an affair- he did say that the marriage had declined and doesn't blame her- I was interested to see that lots of posters immediately jumped on the affair bandwagon, I often do this too, but it wasn't the case.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 12:07:37

Fair point Worra, just think it's bad form to assume that if a couple have split the man is automatically to blame and he must be awful to have abandoned his wife and child. Obviously the OP hasn't gave any evidence to the contrary but at the same time I think it's a massive leap given the info in the OP.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 12:07:39

HollyBerryBush I believe that's the first time I've ever agreed with you!
This man may be having the time of his life with his new partner, but if she carries on with the attitude of a 15 year old, I can't imagine he'll be too enchanted with everything else he has going on!
Instead of treating the ex wife as a threat OP, you need to chill out. He's with you but he has a child from a past relationship and while she's only 4, she's going to take priority over you. And as most have pointed out, the ex will always be a part of your relationship. In my experience, the ex wife finding a new partner is the time you could find the hardest as you'll find out for sure what he really thinks of his ex wife.

MorrisZapp Sat 06-Apr-13 12:08:32

Lol@ texting during orgasm. That really moves the debate on.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 12:08:59

"I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to stop being reliant on your ex once the relationship is over. If the ex in the OP were a friend on mine I would probably be encouraging her to limit these sort of ties with her ex in case the friendship completely sours as some point in the future. I think it's always better to have a support network for personal matters that doesn't include your ex."

i agree. but it very much depends on the relationship you had before he left and how well you are coping alone etc. 12 months isn't a long time and for something like a techie issue that doesn't come up every day, it might not even enter your head to find someone else to deal with that stuff until a situation arises where you need help and the only person you know is your ex, who you are on friendly terms. there are alot of factors that will determine how quickly a person moves on and becomes self sufficient. it will take longer for someone who was quite dependant on their husband and who has maybe struggled to cope alone with the child aswell as work through the whole emotional side of things.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 12:09:08

Then why are you so insecure about their relationship being 'matey' OP?

If neither of them want to be with each other, surely it's best for the DD that they can communicate easily now?

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 12:10:32

Totally agree with you there BruthasTortoise

That's an assumption that's often made without anyone knowing the facts.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 12:11:43

OP

any thoughts on what people have said regarding your attitude towards their relationship and the fact that you think she should push off?

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 12:18:29

My DH, who has always been the resident parent of his DC, used to get a text message as regular as clock work every other Sunday morning before 10am from his ex. It would read a long the lines of The kids are playing up, come and get them and could you stop at the shop on the way and get me the Sunday papers. Baring in mind the DC were supposed to stay until 6pm and it was only EOW, this used to annoy the life out of me. But he did it for the sake of trying to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of his children, the way it saw it he was responsible for his DC and he wasnt willing to get into a row over a newspaper. These are the sacrifices that need to be made I suppose.

maddening Sat 06-Apr-13 12:22:13

I think a lot of people are projecting their own experiences and treating op as the ow.

really the ex should be texting/emailing/calling about their dd not random stuff. She made her bed etc etc this man is not at her beck and call anymore - he is at his daughter's beck and call though.

I wouldn't say anything to dp though - it may gradually taper off and as the relationship carries on and you become stepmother you will be grateful for an amicable relationship and by remaining the "bigger person" you will benefit in the end.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 12:26:48

IMO sometimes the person responsible for the breakdown of a relationship takes longer to move on due to their feelings of guilt.

Lottashakingoinon Sat 06-Apr-13 12:33:16

he did say that the marriage had declined and doesn't blame her-

Hmmm intersesting <tamps meerschaum pipe and adjusts deerstalker> You also said earlier that he seems pretty chilled about her contact. Could it be that what really gets up your nose and leads to some rather childish outbursts (push off, get a life etc etc) is not so much that his Ex keeps in touch but that he bears her no ill will? If so...don't let it...it speaks far more highly of him than if he were forever bitching about her.

Right? Of course right!! grin

holidaysarenice Sat 06-Apr-13 12:48:50

This thread will always kick off because you will be classed unfairly as 'the other woman!'

In your place I would respond to the important texts re dd, otherwise its pointless drivel.

Viviennemary Sat 06-Apr-13 12:53:40

Four texts a week doesn't seem that bad. But I think once you split up you should move on. And not expect a new partner to be part of a cosy friendly threesome. Which some people seem to think is the norm. But I don't think asking for the odd favour is too unacceptable.

Spero Sat 06-Apr-13 13:05:04

If someone answers their phone whilst you are teetering on brink of an orgasm the problems in your relationship up have nothing to do with who is on other end of phone...

Machli Sat 06-Apr-13 13:13:22

Brutha I am simply unable to see the issue with a text requesting a newspaper on the way to pick his kids up. Presumably she gets her own paper every other day and every other weekend? How petty to have a problem with that.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 13:45:19

Um I suppose because she only had the kids one night every other weekend and was supposed to keep them til 6pm. Instead of doing that she would ask him to pick the kids up 8 hours early and bring her the Sunday papers presumably so she and her DP could have a lazy afternoon together while my DH was looking after the kids as he did the other 13 days a fortnight.

LineRunner Sat 06-Apr-13 13:50:14

I think it's good that they are so friendly, for the DC's sake. My ExH treats me like the shit on his shoe and it is incredibly upsetting and stressful for everyone else including his current girlfriend.

Nice is, indeed, nicer.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 13:50:39

And I'm failing to see the pettiness in being annoyed at that, Machli.

Fudgemallowdelight Sat 06-Apr-13 14:05:50

I would feel that DP was a total wanker and soon to be an Ex for answering the phone in those circumstances. grin

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 14:13:23

Just read updated thread.

Regarding the sex thing i mentioned....

Yes people do take their phones to bed, they may not have a landline, may have a poorly relative and need to be contactable throught the night.

No of course you dont reply to a text during sex but if the sound of the text makes you lose the moment especially if it is one of those phones that repeat the text tune every min until the text has been read, then yes that can put you off sex.

Obviously it doesnt matter who is texting, it may still put you off and annoy you abit, but to then find it was the ex texting who shouldnt be texting anyway as the text was not regarding the child, then it may piss you off alot more than it would of done if say it was your mum texting etc.

I think i ve answered all the questions people asked regarding that grin

Op, next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

If your dp wont do that, then that says alot about whos feeling are his priority.

You are his main priority, along wih his child. His ex is not even a priority, and she should be told her place, which is at the bottom of his list.

Lottashakingoinon Sat 06-Apr-13 14:21:48

If your dp wont do that, then that says alot about whos feeling are his priority.

Or it could just mean he thinks OP is being unreasonable and possessive and judging by a lot of responses here, he would not be alone

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 14:25:26

Op, next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

Why should he text her that if it doesn't bother him?

It's probably far better that the OP learns to get over this, rather than telling him what to text.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 14:26:34

I dont think its possessive.

Ok lets flip this round...

Op's ex texts her, she replys more or less everytime, her ex asks her to help him with something, so off op pops to her ex's house to help him with something.

She helps him with something at least 4 times a week.

How do you think op's dp will like that? I have a feeling he will change his tune then.

fallon8 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:29:09

You knew when you got involved,there was an ex plus child..goes with the terrotor

fallon8 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:29:58

Should re territory

Snoopingforsoup Sat 06-Apr-13 14:30:59

losingexcessweight thanks for giving me a hearty belly laugh.
grin

Lottashakingoinon Sat 06-Apr-13 14:34:23

I've no idea how much OP's hypothetical ex would or would not like it XS but as this is not happening in the OP's case it's kind of irrelevant. (OP says XW texts 4 times a week not that DP goes scuttling off 4 times a week)

And to flip it back, supposing OP and her ex have a cordial relationship which is threatening no -one and is in any case dropping off, how would we react if her DP told her to cut all but the most essential of ties.

Lottashakingoinon Sat 06-Apr-13 14:35:56

Sorry that should be no idea how her current DP would like it and in any case her ex is hypothetical.

As you were....

FreudiansSlipper Sat 06-Apr-13 14:38:41

I still go out for dinner with the ex and ds sometimes

If his gf has a problem with it that is her problem and only hers

SoupDragon Sat 06-Apr-13 14:38:41

next time your dp gets a text from his ex which is not childcare related, then simply say to him that you would rather she only texted regarding the child, and to text her that saying so.

Control freak alert!

flaminhoopsaloolah Sat 06-Apr-13 14:38:56

You're just going to have to deal with it. You get into a relationship with a man who had only just split with his wife and they have a daughter together. She's always going to be a part of your lives. Things could be a lot worse: she could be outside your front door shouting obscenities and posting hate mail to you, but she's not....she's being friendly with her exH (whom he has a daughter with...just reminding you) and things seem reasonably settled and your P seems undisturbed by her texts. Why are you so bothered?

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 06-Apr-13 14:52:53

Please don't take the advice of Losing , you are & always will be his 2nd priority-his child is his 1st.

You do need to grow up & get over this as maintaining a good relationship with his ex is important for the child. He sounds like a good man which probably means you'll be the one dumped if you try to make things difficult.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 14:57:10

Well i must be a control freak then grin

I wouldnt put up with it.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 15:01:38

The thing is losing that without the OP having to do anything the ex will most likely, as she moves on with her own life and develops a new support network, stop texting about non child related stuff anyway. Sometimes, if you're in for the long haul, the softly, softly approach is best rather than putting your foot down and possibly putting one foot out the door at the same time.

nkf Sat 06-Apr-13 15:09:43

I think you are probably getting yourself worked up about something that will turn out to be nothing much. They weren't long separated when you got together, they have a child. They are disentangling and it takes a while. You got together with him before the disentangling was complete. That would be my take on the matter.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 15:11:01

Op should not be 2nd priority, the op and her dp child should come equal, neither should have priority over the other.

The op's dp should consider her feelings. The texting doesnt bother her dp, but it bothers the op and thats what her dp needs to realise.

If my dh told me i was 2nd priority, things wouldnt end well and he would find himself out on his arse.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 15:35:26

BarredfromhavingStella how the hell do you know that OP is his 2nd priority and his DC his 1st?

Just by proclaiming it doesn't make it so, just by hoping that it is doesn't make it so. There are plenty of men and women who do not put their DC's as their priority.

It appears to me that there are some women who cannot believe that their DH/DP's prefer someone else to them.

ihearsounds Sat 06-Apr-13 15:38:01

I really don't understand why there is a problem with being friends with exes. I am friends with a few. Was even out with one last night. Dp doesn't have a problem, he knows there is nothing going on. But then, we do have this thing called trust.. Oh and one of dps exes was also out with me lol.

But if anyone told me who I could and couldn't text, call, speak to, they would be shown the door. I am not a child to be told who is acceptable to have contact with. I will not be controlled in this way. I couldn't be with someone that was possessive, but all this screams lack of trust.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 15:44:13

Op's ex texts her, she replys more or less everytime, her ex asks her to help him with something, so off op pops to her ex's house to help him with something.

Losing the OP hasn't mentioned that he pops off to her house.

All of the examples in the OP are things that can be sorted over the phone...apart from the duty free but then I expect that can be handed over during pick up/drop off of DD.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 06-Apr-13 15:56:33

Because Penelope that is how life does should work, your children are your first priority-especially if they are 4 years old & their little world has been turned upside down hmm

flaminhoopsaloolah Sat 06-Apr-13 16:06:55

Penolpoe - sadly there are parents out there who do not put their children first...but what has that got to do with the posters on this thread not liking the idea of their DH/DP preferring someone else? Where's the connection?

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 16:07:03

Some people really are control freaks!! I wouldnt be with someone who thought they had the say over who i texted and dictated what sort of a relationship i had with my ex. My ex and i are my business. Would the poster whinging about finding out a mag was from the ex during sex feel the same if one of her friends had texted her some garbage gossip message that happened to disturb her orgasm? Does your partner tell you what sort of messages your friends are allowed to send you and wjat theyre not? And yes whether some posters accept it or not, some people are friends with their exes. Proper friends who enjoy each others company and share social circles and. Call for a chat. It is perfectly acceptable and healthy

Xenia Sat 06-Apr-13 16:10:33

It is a very very few texts from the mother of his child. I think the poster needs to learn how to change her thoughts so it does not get to her. Or date a man without a child and ex wife - there are plenty around.

I spoke to someone this week who is getting married to someone with children and at one stage she was not even going to let the children attend! I said nothing but she is obviously going to be the step mother from hell with that attitude. I am surprised her husband is prepared to tolerate her.

Theicingontop Sat 06-Apr-13 16:11:58

I don't get it, OP. Ex cheated on DP... Why are you insecure? He had the good sense to leave the marriage, why should him being civil and friendly be a threat to you?

allnewtaketwo Sat 06-Apr-13 16:27:37

How predictable that so many posters blindly assumed the OP's partner had left his ex, rather than the other way round. Cos women never have affairs hmm

50shadesofvomit Sat 06-Apr-13 16:37:49

As your partner is fine with it, yabu. My ex and I text each other 100+ times a week and he has a girlfriend -ow. 99% are non-child related texts. Weve been friends for 16 years and together for 12 with 3 kids so still chat and socialise together. 4 texts is nothing!! Your partner is a decent human being so replies to the texts and helps out the mother of his child. That's admirable qualities that you'd want if you go on to have children with him.

Tell your partner to mute the phone during sex or keep the phone on another room. She's not texting about urgent stuff so should be fine if your partner takes his time to answer.

Spero Sat 06-Apr-13 16:39:25

This child is only 4. She absolutely should be his 1st priority because at this age children have NEEDS, adults have wants. She needs his time and attention in a way the op just does not. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near a man who could not put his children's needs over his own wants.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 16:39:56

Barred I agree that it should be so, but you told the OP that it was so. Please don't take the advice of Losing , you are & always will be his 2nd priority-his child is his 1st.

You don't know what his priorities are. He sounds like he is trying to do the right thing by everybody but sometimes someone has to be at the bottom of the priority list. In this case it's STBXW and the sooner she gets used to that the better for everyone.

CheCazzo Sat 06-Apr-13 16:58:30

shock at the orgasming text answerer! WTAF? Stop with all the excuses about perilously ill relatives and the very fabric of life hanging on a text tone! You do know, right, that you can turn the text tone OFF for however long it takes you to do whatever it is you do up there on that highwire of pre-orgasmic ecstasy? What a load of shit!

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 06-Apr-13 17:02:26

From the little she has said about her partner he sounds like a decent human being therefore the child will be his 1st priority & like I said as she's 4 this is absolutely how it should be.

Spero Sat 06-Apr-13 17:07:51

Yup, and as child is so little I am afraid that he will have to talk frequently to his ex, unless you are suggesting that the 4 year old becomes responsible for managing her diary and making plans for contact. So even if you knock on the head all these ghastly intrusive text messages which may interrupt spontaneous sexheh times, he is still going to have to communicate with her.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 17:24:50

Every other day her dp recieves a text from his ex which is not child related.

I would say that was very frequent in my book.

Sounds like your with a ex pleaser, someone who licks their ex's arse for fear of her being difficult over the child.

Tell him to man up and put her in her place or better still reply to her texts when she texts, but from his phone. She ll soon stop texting when she realizes that you reply every time.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 17:28:49

Losing you are hilarious. Clearly on a wind up.

"Put her in her place" ??

Are you in charge of all your partners relationships?

SoupDragon Sat 06-Apr-13 17:29:09

You don't get to tell someone what they can and can't text or take over replying on their phone. That is the action of someone with serious control issues.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 17:32:12

And bollocks to her stopping texting just because you were replying. The dp in this scenario sounds decemt enough to not let himself be treated like a child and let his girlfriend text back in his place. If my exes partner relplied everytime id just ring and ask to speak to him myself. What would you do then? Refuse to let him speak? Thats pretty pathetic behaviour and would make you a laughing stock. It would only serve to prove just how insecure you were.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 17:36:47

Only an utter control freak would take her DP's phone and take over the texting.

And I'd be advising him to LTB.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 17:41:10

Its very common behaviour, i ve known it plenty of times amongst people i know.

CheCazzo Sat 06-Apr-13 17:43:57

You must know some frightfully insecure and uptight people then Losing. I feel a little bit sorry for your partner - has he realised yet that you're so controlling?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 06-Apr-13 17:45:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 17:47:38

I haven't done anything i ve suggested on this post, but i would do in this situation that the op is in

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 17:48:45

Matilda grin

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 17:49:09

losing i suggest you try and distance yourself from people like that. it isn't a healthy attitude and they certainly dont have healthy relationships either with tehir partners or themselves if that's what they feel they have to do to keep their partners to themselves!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 17:49:50

I don't understand what is so wrong with two exes contacting each other, especially if a child is involved. They need to keep in touch obviously.

It does say a lot about how insecure someone feels if they are upset about what are really minor things that their partner's ex has asked for help with.

ihearsounds Sat 06-Apr-13 17:50:11

If the op starts being a control freak, who goes down the road of replying to the ew, the op could, with extremely good reason, find herself the ex.

I cannot believe that people, who are supposed to be adults, treat another adult as a child. Control, regardless of who is doing it, is not a part of a healthy relationship.

If the op cannot accept the fact that for the rest of his life, he will have contact with the exwife, then this isn't the relationship for her. It is better for the child, that the parents get on, rather than the bickering and only contact through the solicitor.

Theicingontop Sat 06-Apr-13 17:52:33

God, I hope if me and DP ever separate he doesn't end up with someone like you, Losing. I'd be very upset if she tried to stop me contacting the father of my child hmm

Though no more upset than disappointed in my DP for allowing himself to be manipulated.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 17:54:09

I remember when my partner's ex only wanted to contact him through her mum and vice versa. It was sooo uncomfortable for me and didn't help their daughter one bit. They now have a very amicable and friendly relationship and I would hate it if they ever fell out and didn't maintain proper contact.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 17:54:11

so losing you would actually take your partner's phone and reply on his behalf? what if he refused to hand it over? what if he replied before you got to it? would you be angry with him? how far do your controlling tendancies go? would you accept your partner taking it upon themselves to respond to any messages on your phone he felt he was better placed to respond to than you? what if he decided he didn't like how often your mum was in touch and decided to try and put her off by replying himself? is that acceptable?

macdoodle Sat 06-Apr-13 17:54:52

Losing have you got children? Because I am gobsmacked by some of the things you are saying and cannot imagine a decent human being mother saying them.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:04:21

I do have a child yes.

I do think its acceptable to text back an ex thats pestering about none child related things to show that yes you are there and you do exist.

If its child related, i wouldnt have a problem with that.

Of course i wouldnt text his mum or friends back (smile)

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:04:40

smile got it right this time

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:08:05

"I do think its acceptable to text back an ex thats pestering about none child related things to show that yes you are there and you do exist."

but them texting has nothing to do with you so reminding her that you exist isn't acheiving anything. she knows you exist, she doesn't text because she thinks he has no partner!

i didnt ask if you would text his friend or mum back. i asked how you would feel if your partner felt your mum texted you too much with unimportant things and took it upon himself to reply to them sending a clear message that her textx were unwelcome. would that be acceptable to you?

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:12:43

Boo

My mother texting is completely different thing. It wouldnt bother me if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was.

Dh goes regularly ask whos texted or emailed when my phone goes off.

Its no biggy

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:15:55

no it's not completely different.

it is one person deciding that the contact between two other people that doesn't concern them is unacceptable and that they have the power to change it.

if you think it's different because it is teh ex rather than a friend or relative then your problem is not the ex, your problem is jealousy.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:17:49

"It wouldnt bother me if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was."

is this what you were suggesting the OP does? read her partner's message and text back his response? it didn't sound like that was what you were saying tbh. but if it was, what would be the point if you are just going to text back what he would say then why not just leav it to him to reply?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 18:18:13

if you think it's different because it is teh ex rather than a friend or relative then your problem is not the ex, your problem is jealousy.

Absolutely.

ihearsounds Sat 06-Apr-13 18:18:28

But you picking up his phone and replying to her isn't the same as if dh read the text for me, told me what it said and replied back what my response was. the difference there is that you are both discussing the text. He is replying your answer. He isn't just picking up your phone and replying what he feels like telling her, like don't contact loosing anymore unless its about mum/dd things.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:20:25

I ve just mentioned some of your points to dh, his reply?

He would not be happy with me texting an ex (he was badly betrayed in the past)

We dont like each others ex's being mentioned like what we did with them etc.

Its bad form to mention ex's etc

Anyway dh does not find me controlling, nor do i find him controlling

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:22:41

you have just said in your own post that your DH has his own issues regarding trust.

anyway. none of that answers my question. that is just you and your DH's own personal issues wrt trust and jealousy.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:22:53

Read some of the further responses....

If i was to text dh's ex back i would be telling him out loud what i was texting as i was typing it.

Therefore he would be having a say in it before it was sent.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:26:20

so what would be the point of you texting back instead of him? couldn't he just text his own response? is he a child?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 18:27:14

Losing I just asked my DP the very same thing, and I asked him if he would appreciate me getting hold of his phone and telling him to tell his ex to get lost when shes texts him.

His reply? He would be "fucking pissed off at me"

Good job then that I would never do that!

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:27:38

i also think it's very cowardly to text back from your DH's phone. if you have a problem call her up from your own phone or speak to her face to face like an adult and tell her what your problem is.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:28:19

Christ booyhoo your asking an awful lot of questions.

Why dont you text me instead and my husband will reply to you wink

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:30:00

i agree sowhat

i would dump a partner who decided they were going to take control of my phone and respond to whatever messages they saw fit.

i'm an adult, i'm quite capable of managing my own relationships. i dont need a 'parent figure' partner to be my spine and do my 'big girl' talking for me.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 18:30:28

If i was to text dh's ex back i would be telling him out loud what i was texting as i was typing it.

Therefore he would be having a say in it before it was sent.

Well the only say I'd be having is "Put my fucking phone down and butt out"

BitOutOfPractice Sat 06-Apr-13 18:30:37

I separated from the father of my children 5½ years ago. We still text each other regularly. Sometimes for a favour. Sometimes about the football. Cometimes to see how a mutual friend is, sometimes about the kids...you get the picture.

If my DP had a problem with that i would be really worried about him. ExH's partner does nt have a problem with it either.

What with us all being adults and that

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:30:41

Just because its not normal or acceptable in your relationship.

That doesn't mean its not normal or acceptable in other peoples relationships

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:31:12

well losing you have avoided the question and i'm really keen to know the answer. please humour me and reply.

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Apr-13 18:32:54

Control freakery isn't normal and really shouldn't be acceptable in any relationship.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:32:58

Boo

Ask me the question again please, i ve read that much response on here i dont know what question it is

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:33:56

oh you can have whatever sort of unhealthy relationship you like losing, but if you want to encourage another family to take on your possesive controlling traits then expect to be called on it.

McNewPants2013 Sat 06-Apr-13 18:35:16

What is wrong with them having a frienship.

I think it is refreshing to hear that a separated couple can come together for the sake of the child.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:35:47

ok

HERE'S THE QUESTION (big incase you missed it again)

would you accept your DH deciding that your mother texted you too often about things he considered unnecessary and replying to her texts from your phone making it clear that her texts were unwelcome?

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:36:03

Its not possessive.

We just have different views on whats normal in a relationship/marriage.

That doesnt make my view wrong and yours right or vice versa

TheBigJessie Sat 06-Apr-13 18:36:33

If my husband and I ever divorce, it would be far better for our children if we could remain friends, and interact like normal people who had had children together. Who had been important parts of each other's lives, even if we were no longer in love. And to manage to be able to parent together. If you have a child together, you will always be connected.

Rather than a faux-formal, pretend-the-past-didn't-happen-state for the benefit of a new girlfriend with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old girl!

Grow up, and if you can't cope with men who have children, and didn't lieve in a box before you met them, don't date them!

KayHunt Sat 06-Apr-13 18:37:38

my mum called my dad for help when I was younger, even though they had been split for many years, my dad helped where he could.

In fact, my mum called him in an emergency and he came straight away, 10 years after they split. Helping my mum out with non-child related things actually is in the best interests of the child. Being amicable makes for a happier child.

If it was constant then it's a bit too much but a handful of times a week isn't too much.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:39:39

In answer to your question...

No it is not acceptable. But i havent had sexual relations, been in a loving physical relationship, or desired my mother.

With an ex you have done all of that.

Thats what the difference is.

You cant be friends with an ex as one of you will always hold a torch for the other.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:39:59

im wondering how far this control would go.

for example when my EX collects or drops off the dcs we will often chat for a minute or two, about what the dcs got up to, had they eaten etc. but we also will talk about things like whether i managed to get my tumble drier working again and do i want him to have a look at it, or about people we both know that one of us ran into the other day, or how is job search is going. is this unacceptable? should i cut him short when he mentions something unrelated to the dcs? should i anticipate his fiancee arriving the moment all child related information has been relayed with a "time is up now booyhoo- you may no longer talk with my fiancee" because that is basically what you would be doing by texting her from your dh's phone to 'let her know you exist'

whistleahappytune Sat 06-Apr-13 18:41:12

Sorry Losing but you sound like a loon. And your view is wrong wrong wrong.

BigJess I totally agree. Would children of divorce not cope better and the world not be a better place if instead of civility there was a genuine friendship and god forbid, affection for someone you've had a child with.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:41:59

"No it is not acceptable. But i havent had sexual relations, been in a loving physical relationship, or desired my mother."

"You cant be friends with an ex as one of you will always hold a torch for the other."

who told you this? your husband? it's bollocks BTW.

McPheetStink Sat 06-Apr-13 18:42:56

A friend of mine has today texted her exh to ask if he is still intending on seeing their children tomorrow. The new 'friend' texted her back a load of abuse. She has not heard from the ex himself.

This is ongoing from someone who thinks he is father of the yr hmm

whistleahappytune Sat 06-Apr-13 18:43:57

Where is OP?

McNewPants2013 Sat 06-Apr-13 18:44:09

Of course you can be friends with an ex, my ex came to my wedding.

The reason we split up is because I was the wrong sex for him smile

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:45:37

No my husband never told me, i got told that when i was about 13 by an older relative.

Always stuck with me.

I can even hear him saying it actually even though it was all those years ago.

Losingexcessweight Sat 06-Apr-13 18:46:37

Mcpheet

Now that is wrong, totally wrong.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:46:45

you've held onto a belief someone else told you when you were 13 and have never questioned it? confused

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:47:29

what is totally totally wrong?

ihearsounds Sat 06-Apr-13 18:50:55

You can be friends with exes though.

I was out last night with one. Did I mention my dps ex was also there. Adults and all that. No animosity. No wanting to fuck each other. We are exes for a reason. My ex at some point met up someone. I didn't go psycho on either of them.

Oh I have also been a witness at an exes wedding. And am god parent.

thebody Sat 06-Apr-13 18:52:01

We had an awful example this week of disfunctionsl controlling fucked up relationships and how not to parent ending in 6 children's deaths.

Thank god your partner and his ex are sensible mature adults who put their child's happiness first.

Op you are being daft and loosing your relative gave you wrong advice.

TheBigJessie Sat 06-Apr-13 18:55:53

BigJess I totally agree. Would children of divorce not cope better and the world not be a better place if instead of civility there was a genuine friendship and god forbid, affection for someone you've had a child with.

Personal anecdata says, "yes, definitely!"

Sounds like they are keeping things civil like any divorced couple with children should do.
Unless you have trust issues, i don't see why you are bothered.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:00:04

I think comparing the OPs situation with that of the Philpotts is a low blow and completely unnecessary.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:02:07

And I also think that, taking the OP at her word, if the ex wife was abusive then it can be hard to accept the transformation to civility especially if there hasn't been an apology for the previous abuse.

Alwayscheerful Sat 06-Apr-13 19:02:20

A couple with a strong relationship would discuss phone calls and texts and replies and try to manage effective communication. Yes is is preferrable to be kind and supportive to the child's Mother and hopefully in time the Mother will become less demanding and eventually turn to her own partner in times of need, communication will eventually be about their children.

Showing your hand and your annoyance could possible make matters worse, yes texts can be sent at inappropriate times and they may show little consideration for your new life. it is not impossible that's texts are designed to annoy and irritate. It is important to discuss and manage the situation and show a united front, we don't know if the OP's DH is being manipulated or if the texts are genuine and harmless.

lockets Sat 06-Apr-13 19:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:07:57

In fact thinking about it if somebody, including my DSSs mother, was harnessing me and a year later, with no apology, my DH was bringing her duty free from our holiday I would probably have an issue with that.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:09:11

*harassing blush. Harnessing would move the relationships into a whole new realm of weird!

expatinscotland Sat 06-Apr-13 19:19:44

You sound very immature and insecure. Hopefully your partner will grow a pair and chuck you.

Oh, and YABU.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 06-Apr-13 19:27:45

Losing you sound completely bonkers & yes very controlling.

Also Burtha she never mentioned abusive from the ex (did she??) just angry which is understandable after the breakdown of a marriage regardless of fault.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:36:13

Fair point, abusive may have been too strong a word but I think if I, as an innocent bystander, was receiving angry phonecalls from my DPs ex I might still be a bit sceptical of this new found civility. I, personally, would let it go but I think there is a bit more to this than most posters are making out. It's one thing for a new partner to interfere in an existing civil friendly relationship between parents and another for her not to want her DP to be overly friendly with his ex, who is mother of his child granted but was also previously unpleasant.

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:38:41

Although again all speculation for all I know the ex could've been angry because the DP wasn't seeing their child, or wasn't pulling his weight. Just trying to give a different perspective.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 19:47:20

"It's one thing for a new partner to interfere in an existing civil friendly relationship between parents and another for her not to want her DP to be overly friendly with his ex, who is mother of his child granted but was also previously unpleasant."

i could understand that if the ex had been calling OP andbeing angry but from the OP it doesn't seem like she was. it sounds like she was calling OP's DP so IMO if he's prepared to draw a line under past behaviour and is trying to move forward amicably then surely as an adult that's his decision to make and not really up to OP to get annoyed about?

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:54:07

You may be right, I took from the OP saying that there were less of the angry phonecalls that WE were receiving a year ago that both she and her DP were getting phonecalls. If it was only the DP then, I agree, like the text messages, they're not her business.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:00:45

she says "that we saw a year ago"

still no clearer but just saying that she didn't say we received. smile

BruthasTortoise Sat 06-Apr-13 20:03:21

And since I think the OP has ran away, very far and very fast, it'll probably never get any clearer smile

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:07:57

yup!

ballstoit Sat 06-Apr-13 20:09:51

Yabu. My ex and I mainly maintain a civil relationship. As my occasional threads in lone parents sometimes this is hard grin

However, we are also able to have conversations which are not directly related to our children. For example, ex h asks about how my family are, how works going etc. He moans about his previous ex, mother of his elder children as he knows I will sympathise. If his new gf asked him to stop doing this, I'd assume she was.very insecure.

I also think that children should come first, and be their parents top priority...particularly when they're only 4.

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 20:09:56

TBH I think this is bothering you in terms of... you are worried she has changed her mind about not wanting him (i.e she wants him back) and you are worried that now she has worked out the shouting and awkwardness hasn't worked she is changing tactics and is being concillitaory in the hope of him remebering her good side?

You say he is chilled, sometimes responds, sometimes doesn't, this is a good sign, he is not running to answer his phone but he occassionally answers so as not to appear rude and cause tension.

The thing you need to remember is that he chose you and he is still with you. Talk to him, tell him you feel insecure about her constantly texting him. Put it into context, say how would you feel if an ex boyf was texting you constantly?

Yes they need contact regarding their child but unless there is a genuine problem she shouldn't be texting him for anything else.

They split up, she doesn't have the luxury of asking him for favours. I certainly don't get my ex husband to fix my problems. She is trying to cause probs though so don't rise to it and don't blame him, it will cause a rift between you and your OH and she will love that. Do NOT give her the satisfaction!

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 20:15:39

Oh.... and FYI ,

Some on here will say you're insecure and that's your problem.

I disagree, we are all human and there is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling insecure, we all feel like that at times.

Whilst we obviously need to do our best in terms of keeping the relationship civil where our exes are concerned, there should be a line there because of new relationships and to stop our children becoming confused.

Women/men who remain over friendly after splits... makes me suspicious TBH.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 20:17:27

Alwayscheerful top post. Agree with every word

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 20:36:49

actually there is something wrong with insecurity when you let it damage your relationship and you try and damage relationships between other people due to your own issues. that's not ok.

CheCazzo Sat 06-Apr-13 21:00:04

We are indeed all human. I'm quite sure we do all feel insecure at times. And then we grow up - or that's the theory anyway. I reached a certain age and vowed there and then never to waste another second giving in to insecurity. What will be will be and no amount of life-sucking insecurity will ever change that. In fact, it might just hasten on whatever it is you're dreading.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 21:02:09

MrsBombastic exactly what I tried to say further up thread but far more eloquently put.

PenelopePortrait Sat 06-Apr-13 21:03:51

mrsBombastic I meant YOU were more eloquent not me!

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