In hating dd's friend?

(89 Posts)
Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:18:06

So, invited dd's friend over for a play seeing as it is the Eastwr hols. Thought it would be nice for dd.

I have known that friend (henceforth known as nasty girl - ng) is a bit of a rascal, dd has said before that age gets in trouble at school quite a bit. I just didn't realise how truly horrid she is.

This is what she has done in the hour or so she has been here:

-- dropped massive chunks of biscuit in the floor, laughed and refused to clear it up.

--wiped chocolatey spit inside my diary (and laughed about it).

--asked me why I have such a fat bum? hmm

--hit my dd and made her cry.

I fucking hate her. I want to call her mum and get her picked up. AIBU????

--

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:18:26

Btw dd and her friend are 5.

countrykitten Thu 04-Apr-13 16:19:49

Er - she is 5. Have a word with yourself.

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 16:20:04

YABU to fucking hate a 5 year old girl. Call her mum if she's being a pain though.

lottieandmia Thu 04-Apr-13 16:20:52

I'm not sure I would ever say I hated a child but YANBU to tell her mother to pick her up and tell her how badly behaved she has been and never invite her again.

If my child behaved like that in someone else's home I would be horrified tbh. How old is she?

cardibach Thu 04-Apr-13 16:21:11

No YANBU. If you wouldn't toleraye this behaviour from your DD you don't have to from visitors either. Calmly and clearly tell ng that if she misbehaves again her mum will be called to take her away/you will take her home. And then follow through.
Other people's horrrid children are really horrid and can make you feel very helpless!

I think you should get her picked up, for her benefit, she is 5 years old ffs.

yanbu, some people just aren't very nice, whether they're 5 or not.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 04-Apr-13 16:21:54

You 'fucking hate' a five year old?
Ok, some kids can be annoying, but I think your language is a bit over the top.

lottieandmia Thu 04-Apr-13 16:22:08

Just 5 or nearly 6? I think I would expect more from my dds at that age.

CSIJanner Thu 04-Apr-13 16:22:32

Hate is a very strong word.

cardibach Thu 04-Apr-13 16:23:19

For her benefit, Missy? Really?
You don't think the OP might be joking about the hte? Or that even if she does harbour irrational feelings she can't control them?
You think this child's behaviour is acceptable?
Words fail me.

My house, my rules. Behave yourself or go home. I can understand being pissed off with her, but you're letting a 5 year old get the better of you. Take her home and tell her mother why!

Yes for her benefit. Can you imagine being 5 years old stuck in a house with an adult who hates you and thinks 'nasty girl' is an acceptable way to talk about a 5yo in her care.

KellyElly Thu 04-Apr-13 16:26:57

You sound charming OP!

madamginger Thu 04-Apr-13 16:28:21

My DD is nearly six and has a friend that i really don't like. Every day DD comes home upset that this girl has said or done something to upset her. EVERY fucking day.
The school have tried to keep them apart but there are only 6 girls in her class so it is very hard.
Her parents are moving away in a few months and I am jumping for joy. I don't think it helps that her mother is a bitch too and said some very nasty things about my DD.
But YABU for saying hate about a 5 year old

cardibach Thu 04-Apr-13 16:28:59

Can you imagine being stuck in your own house with a 5 year old who is disrespectful of your possessions, hurts your daughter and who you don't feel you can remove?
Nothing the OP says suggests she has communicated her displeasure in any inappropriate way. Yes, hate is a strong word, but I don't think she is being entirelt serious about that, just using strong words to convey frustration.
What would you do about the peson who is actually behaving bady here, Missy?

TeamEdward Thu 04-Apr-13 16:29:17

But surely also "for her benefit" in that even a 5yo needs to learn that certain behaviours are not acceptable and that if her behaviour is bad then she will go home?

MDA Thu 04-Apr-13 16:29:27

Oh, 5 year olds are easy when they are like this, they need cuddles and games and for you to be on side, to scoop them up on your lap and ask why they are like this, and have a good tickle (probably illegal these days) and say, why are you doing this? Shall we play a game instead? Lets all have fun together. Etc. Not that you necessarily want to spend your day like that but they want your attention and it might well even be an ongoing issue.

I fucking hate her. I want to call her mum and get her picked up. AIBU????

It depends. Do you have a fat bum?

YABU.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 04-Apr-13 16:31:18

This is why 5 is too small for "playdates" at schoolfriend's homes.

hairtearing Thu 04-Apr-13 16:32:01

I once asked someones parent why they were so fat blush apparently anyway, I can't remember I was so young.

But I was villified for years for something I don't even remember doing, i.e this person telling mothers, kids etc to ignore me, I would have understood a word with my mother but no, never. Just bare in mind she is very young.

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 16:32:34

I can't imagine ever fucking hating a 5 year old child.

Once again I feel I have to point out that ranting on here is absolutely fine. No one is saying it to the girls face !

Mumsnet is to prevent us calling them horrible little fuckers to their faces.

One of the reasons I love Mumsnet is that you can come on and have a complain about your kids or partner without someone bleating on about how you should never say anything horrible about anyone, ever.

Springsister Thu 04-Apr-13 16:35:54

Yabu. Hating is a strong word. Annoyed? fine. pissed off. fair enough. If it were my dd I wouldn't want her in your house tbh.
Dropping crumbs! Really?
She is 5!

countrykitten Thu 04-Apr-13 16:36:24

But 5 years old ...really?

And I want to know too - was she right about the fat bottom? Kids tend to say what they see! grin

MDA Thu 04-Apr-13 16:39:30

If someone said "why is your bum so fat" I'd say "I dont know, perhaps that's how I'm made, that's okay" to a younger child and perhaps to a much older one (9/10) I'd say "I should probably go for a run but I'm too busy. Not your problem though"

A child smearing chocolate spit on your book is seeking adult attention. The girls round the corner try and nick my kindle and try and sneak round the corner and "scare" me, its the same idea. So I grab them and ruff their hair and tip them upside down and they love it.

I'm not that maternal but honestly 5 years old is just tiny.

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:39:50

Of course I would never use those words in front of the girl or dd. on the face of it I have just said that this is not kind behaviour. But internally I do dislike her. Yes, hate is a strong word and I probably should have thought more carefully about my word choice. I apologise for that. Her behaviour is dreadful, and I have been pretty shocked by it.

I vented on here, but I probably just should have kept it to myself.sad

MDA Thu 04-Apr-13 16:40:00

(girls round the corner do that when they are round to play btw, I don't leave my house unlocked lol))

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:40:01

Of course I would never use those words in front of the girl or dd. on the face of it I have just said that this is not kind behaviour. But internally I do dislike her. Yes, hate is a strong word and I probably should have thought more carefully about my word choice. I apologise for that. Her behaviour is dreadful, and I have been pretty shocked by it.

I vented on here, but I probably just should have kept it to myself.sad

Cardi in this house the child who misbehaves would be put on a timeout, I always tell people when my kids are in their house to do XXX thing if they misbehave (depending on which child it is) and always discuss it when kids come here too. Is this not normal? Its certainly better than sitting seething hatred towards a 5yo.

foslady Thu 04-Apr-13 16:40:53

DD used to have a 'friend' that the mother engineered. Every time she came she purposely broke one of dd's toys (I saw her on one of the occasions) that she knew was a favourite and she didn't have and then came to the door way shouting 'Ididn'tdoit, itwasn'tme, itwasanaccident' making it so bloody obvious. Happened at other childrens houses too.

I too cheered when the spoilt, bratty family moved away (parents honestly believed they were above us all and made sure we knew..........)

MDA Thu 04-Apr-13 16:41:28

Hey its alright to "dislike" kids I have done in the past...honestly when my son's friend was going through a DREADFUL stage about 3 I could barely look at him, and it made me ashamed, but I couldn't, I couldnt pretend.

I didn't tell him/his mum, and I didn't come on here, but I could have.

Please don't worry but try and absorb some of the truths about 5 year olds and their behaviours, they are still very very young.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 04-Apr-13 16:41:48

OP it's too hard to have such small DC around unless you know them already...and their parents. I've been there and done it and found it a nightmare as they can't entertain themselves for long.

How long was the playdate meant to last for?

Salmotrutta Thu 04-Apr-13 16:41:49

MDA are you serious?

Anyway - "hating" is a bit strong OP but she sounds like a rude and spoilt little madam.

Saying rude things, spitting and hitting are a bit more than just dropping crumbs Springsister hmm

Have you told her she will be going home OP due to her bad manners? I'd tell her that then phone her Mum.

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:42:13

And yes, she is prob right about the fat bum!!!wink I do have a 2 month old dd though, but you are all right, children say what they see, fair enough!

TackedOff Thu 04-Apr-13 16:42:31

I thought she was 13+! Its a bit wet of you to feel this strongly about a 5 year old tbh, they all do stupid things sometimes and you shouldn't take it so personally. If you really don't like her then don't invite her back. She's probably over-excited and being silly.

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 16:42:48

It's fine to vent on here.

Salmotrutta Thu 04-Apr-13 16:43:32

I mean about it being "easy" to deal with behaviour like that?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 04-Apr-13 16:45:42

Don't put yourself through it OP...not until DC are "trained" better should they be visiting strangers anyway.

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:45:46

It wasn't just dropping crumbs, it was me asking the girls to pick up the bits the friend had dropped together, and her just saying no and laughing.

Remotecontrolduck Thu 04-Apr-13 16:46:17

She does sound pretty irritating I have to admit. Can you tell her mum how badly behaved she was, and will she deal with it?

I wouldn't be having her back. She might be only 5 but I'd expect better than that to be honest.

I once asked someones parent why they were so fat apparently anyway, I can't remember I was so young

Valid point. At the age of 6, I asked a neighbour whether he knew that everyone on our street hated him on account of the noise his dilapidated old wreck of a car made being revved into the road every night at 3am. I had no intention of giving offence. I thought I was doing him a favour by giving him the opportunity to mend his ways. grin

What adults see as unpardonable rudeness in young children is often just them being honest (as they're taught to be!) without any intention of being hurtful of malicious. They just haven't learned to filter it yet.

But definitely make her clean up her mess. smile

gabsid Thu 04-Apr-13 16:49:44

My DS, now 8 used to attract DC like that. There was one boy (when they were about 5 or 6) I hated having round because he was so wild and aggressive, stomping on things and breaking them intentionally. I know because I always stayed close by, ready to intervene if he got too much. My DS found it funny - I didn't.

The boys mum was a lovely woman, I liked her, but too soft. Once I explained to her that her DS had broken a toy cassette player (cheap, from the car boot, but that's not the point) and she told me that it couldn't have been her DS because he doesn't even know what a cassette player was. I didn't say any more ..... but, you don't have to know how to use something to jump on it - I bloody watched him do it.

The boy hasen't been round since, the family has moved away and I have met mum once in a park since. I would reconsider if I was convinced that the boy had matured sufficiently that he wouldn't behave like that anymore.

TackedOff Thu 04-Apr-13 16:49:46

dd3's friend (she was 6) walked in to our hallway, took one look and said 'well I am not taking my shoes off in here. Your house is filthy' grin

ENormaSnob Thu 04-Apr-13 16:52:20

I would be sending her home asap tbh.

Scholes34 Thu 04-Apr-13 16:52:45

But you haven't told us, OP, do you have a fat bum?

I'd worry more if a 15 year old had told you you had a fat bum.

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 16:53:15

That made me laugh, TackedOff grin

littlemissbunny Thu 04-Apr-13 16:53:54

I would be tempted to call her mum to collect her early, or if you can't do that just never invite her again.

My friend has a 5 year old and his behaviour is awful, he smacks, he spits, he's rough, I could go on! But I wouldn't ever have him round by himself, we just meet at playgyms occasionally and I keep an eye on them. His trouble is his mother sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and thinks he's just spirited! So I can understand where you are coming from.

We can't all get on with everyone amd while I wouldn't say I hate him I don't like him, and am guessing you are just saying it on here because you are frustrated?

Goldmandra Thu 04-Apr-13 16:54:25

I would sit her down right now and give her a choice. Either she stops being rude and starts doing as she is asked, in which case you can all do something nice like play a game, or she can carry on being cheeky, destructive and disobedient and you will call her mum and explain why she needs to be collected early.

You are the adult here and both children need you to be in charge so take charge and let her know exactly where she stands. At the moment she has no idea what she can get away with and will keep pushing the boundaries until she finds out.

Nicknamenotavailableeither Thu 04-Apr-13 16:59:15

Yes I have Scholes....further up the thread. Indeed I do, and I admitted that she is within her rights to ask, children speak the truth after all!!

Salmotrutta Thu 04-Apr-13 17:03:28

Err, I don't think children are within their rights to ask rude, ill-mannered questions!

You might expect a 3 year old to come out with something like that but I made sure my two were well aware that it was rude to comment on/ask questions about someone's appearance. And they got that message before they were 5.

ladydepp Thu 04-Apr-13 17:06:36

Feel free to rant on here OP. I have never had a child over who behaved as badly as your visitor, but a few of dd's friends are spoilt little madams (they're 5) and I can hardly wait until they leave after some play dates.

Stand your ground and get cross with her, she needs to recognise your boundaries even if she may not have many at home.

gabsid Thu 04-Apr-13 17:12:08

I am always glad when playdates leave smile, unless they are with their parents and we can have coffee.

Salmotrutta Thu 04-Apr-13 17:18:44

Actually OP - when she asked that question you should have said:

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

sue52 Thu 04-Apr-13 17:28:00

Not sure a pa approach helps with a tricky 5 year old. Just don't invite her round again.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 04-Apr-13 17:31:07

I would have given her one warning and then called her mum to collect her.
It is ok to do that if a child is behaving badly in your home!

Squarepebbles Thu 04-Apr-13 17:36:11

Right after the fat bum comment she'd have been outa my door and soooooo never invited back.

Ring!

countrykitten Thu 04-Apr-13 17:38:25

Def tell her Mum about her behaviour and simply don't invite her again. Don't make life difficult for yourself - you have no obligation to have a naughty child in your house (unless it's yours...grin

superstarheartbreaker Thu 04-Apr-13 17:39:24

Are you for real? She sounds about average for her age!

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 17:40:14

I would have laughed at the fat bum comment TBH.

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 04-Apr-13 17:42:37

YANBU to vent on here. Don't let the bed wetters on here tell you otherwise.

There are plenty of children that I really cannot stand and I suppose, in the heat of the moment, I might say I hated them (not to them) Why are we not allowed to dislike kids?! They're twats.

<proffers arse for kicking>

Maggie111 Thu 04-Apr-13 17:43:24

Yanbu - she sounds awful!

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 17:44:49

<wets bed>

usualsuspect Thu 04-Apr-13 17:45:35

<kicks Marmalades fat arse> grin

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 04-Apr-13 17:46:14

I am probably also venting as I have had my house systematically destroyed by other people's children today...

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 04-Apr-13 17:46:34

It is fat. I cannot debate that one.

Blimey the op has ended up having to defend herself a lot here. The child sounds poorly behaved. If my 5.5 yr old behaved like that in someone else's house I would be mortified. Yes they drop crumbs, no they don't refuse to pick the big bits up. Yes they make a mess with chocolate, no they don't smear spit on anything. Hitting is wrong, any five year old should know that. And my five year old knows it's rude to comment on weight/size etc.
Hate was a strong word, but definately tell the child's mother or father on pick-up. And don't invite her again!

Timetoask Thu 04-Apr-13 18:00:37

She sounds really bad mannered and rude.
My DS so the same age has had many playdates and although a few have not been perfect I have certainly never had an experience like the one you describe.

What to do in this case? I don't feel comfortable telling someone else's child off (specially not in my own house) but I would never ever invite her again or allow my child to visit her (presumabley she behaves like this in her own house as well).

BooCanary Thu 04-Apr-13 18:00:59

IME 5/6 yo's do go a bit bonkers on a playdate.

My DD is normally fairly well behaved, tidies up when asked (most of the time), eats nicely, doesn't run around screaming.

And then her friends come round, and they go CRAZY. Every toy pulled out, screaming and racing round the place, food mess all over the kitchen, cheekiness (running up and tapping me on the bum and running off laughing for instance), being mean to DS. And it ALWAYS ends in friendship squabbles and tears.

Some of her friends (who are generally quite decent sorts) have made all kinds of comments that have made me hmm, such as 'my house is tidier than yours', 'my mum has nicer hair than you', 'DD has a tiiiiiny bedroom - why?' . It's annoying, but there's not a great deal to be done.

I dread to think what 4yo DS will be like when he starts to have playdates without me, as he is currently famed for getting his bum and willy out all the time, asking women if they are men shock , and generally being a total embarassment!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 04-Apr-13 18:08:57

I agree with Goldmandra.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 04-Apr-13 18:10:30

It's true that you simply don't know how your own DC s behave on playdates and many parents would not tell you. I don't think either of mine were ever as rude at the girl in the OP, butnI have reprimanded visiting children for less

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Thu 04-Apr-13 18:13:53

And this is why I am not rushing to invite dds friend from school

Molehillmountain Thu 04-Apr-13 18:19:58

I have documented how much I dislike play dates. But that's because they bring out the worst in some children and it is often a hard work situation. It would be nice if a play date meant dd was busy and you could take a breather, but in my experience it is rarely the case. My new mantra with mine and other children is "the worse the behaviour, the more input and jollity is required". By all means don't invite this girl again, but my new strategy is (for one girl who dd loves and I'm not keen on because she behaves badly except when important people are watching and tries to one up dd all the time. She also behaves as if I'm a bit beneath her. She's six!) to pile on the charm and play with them. I'd be very firm on the spitting etc and even give a warning that she might go home, but then make the whole experience so bloody amazing that she wouldn't want to. And then have a large treat in the evening.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 04-Apr-13 18:21:22

Playdates are indeed a PITA until they are a little older. juniors

Molehillmountain Thu 04-Apr-13 18:24:19

Oh and in the back of my mind I imagine how I'd like dd to be treated if she forgot herself on a play date. Much as I hope she wouldn't misbehave like that and I've never had anyone say she has, they do go a bit out of character. I'd like to think that people applied their house rules but cut a bit of slack.

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 04-Apr-13 18:24:43

Medised jellies are the thing.

Molehillmountain Thu 04-Apr-13 18:28:31

grin marmalade. For the children or me?

lonahjomu Thu 04-Apr-13 18:29:17

Thank goodness for those who can sympathise with you op. I hope she grows out of it, your daughter and her obviously are friends and it would be a shame if today ends that, but I'm not so sure I would rush into inviting her for a while.

MarmaladeTwatkins Thu 04-Apr-13 18:29:57

Vodka jellies are for the parents.

With a cigarette chaser.

Molehillmountain Thu 04-Apr-13 18:34:26

I don't think I agree with the posters who say that the child should never be invited again. For me, it's to do with what dd would like to happen and unless I really couldn't manage the behaviour (even with sanctions like time out etc) and it was out of control, I'd invite them back. I'd perhaps wait for dc to ask for that person again.

PoppyWearer Thu 04-Apr-13 18:34:28

I've had quite a few of 4yo DD's school friends to play recently, with and without parents.

I don't hate any of them, but there are definitely some friendships I'll be nurturing more than others...

And don't get me started on my DNs....one I love, the other is cheeky/defiant and winds me up.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 04-Apr-13 19:16:11

Once they hit 9 or 10 they manage their own friendships you know Poppy...it's a bloody mare actually.

One of my DDs friends is a horror but I like the Mother...DD on the other hand is tiring of her friend and has recently begun to move away from her grasp (and it IS a grasp) her Mother has reacted by ditching me it would seem. sad

OP I hope you pulled her up on hitting your DD and making her cry ! that is so unacceptable !

MrsMacFarlane Fri 05-Apr-13 09:54:40

My DS is 16 and has had a "friend" like this since they were both 4 years old. We've had to put up with her for 12 years, finally my DS has woken up to what a manipulative shit she is and is in the process of distancing herself from her. All along we knew she was a troublemaker and a nasty piece of work but she was DS's choice, not ours and she had to come to that conclusion herself.
Reading the OP reminded me of the first time she came round to the house. She dropped a whole box of Coco Pops on the kitchen floor and then stood on them. I was livid but managed to stay calm, however, when she kept saying "it doesn't matter, your Mum will clean it up" when my DS was a little distraught by it, I felt like lamping her. Brace yourself, you might have years of this....smile

I dont understand why you chose to invite to your home a child that is notorious for her bad behavior?!

You need to show her that you dont put up with it. Or call her mum. Swiftly.

freddiefrog Fri 05-Apr-13 10:09:49

My DD has a friend like this too.

Started when they all started school. She was a nasty, spiteful, manipulative little girl. She made my daughter cry hundreds of times and I've never quite forgiven her for that. No one messes with my DDs grin

They're 11 now, DD is beginning to see her for what she is and as they're all starting different secondary schools in September, hopefully the friendship will start to fade, but I've had to deal with this for years. I was never nasty or horrible to her and she was treated with kindness when here although regularly sent home for horrific behaviour but she had me ranting to DH when she'd gone home on many occasion

Airwalk79 Fri 05-Apr-13 10:46:47

I feel your pain op. I have now stopped inviting said child round/ or letting my dd go to their house. I am always busy/ very vague about plans etc to try and escape her mother.
I take the dog to school and wait outside the gate, this is great for not having to make conversation! It's taken a while but we seem to have shaken them off. And find a nice friend to concentrate on.

gabsid Fri 05-Apr-13 12:50:52

Oh, I thought they would grow out of it.

One friend DS had was horrible, or DS and that friend were both horrible when they were together, but now at age 8 the friend slowly seems to turn into a nice boy and I am happy for them to play together.

But 3 years ago I would avoid meeting my friend (who's DS he is) during the holidays because she was lax on discipline and I would constantly tell off my DS for being loud, inconsiderate, running off....

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