to think that my H shouldn't expect my parents to pay my plane fare?

(97 Posts)

OK. I'm an American married to an Englishman, 2 kids (1 born in USA 1 born in UK), we live in the UK NEVER visit the USA. H thinks if my parents want to see us they should pay our airfares. In the past 18 years I have been back twice-- last time was 12 years ago. My parents come out to see us, about once every two years, so we do see them.

But I feel that my kids are missing out, my parents come out and visit us but the kids have no idea of what their lives are like on their home territory, so to speak, and I also have a sister who I've only seen twice in the past 20 years... she has a good job and lives in an interesting part of the USA so it could be a ready-made holiday to go out and see her/my parents.

It just really grates on my nerves that H thinks that they 'owe' us, he always takes advantage when they are here, i.e. expects them to always pick up the tab at restaurants (which they do), they're grateful that we have a guest room for them to stay in, and they always insist on buying all our groceries etc when they come over. They've also given us large amounts of cash in the past when we've needed it... financed us for a couple of years when we moved back to the USA, etc.

Last night he was saying that it was a shame that they never 'put their hands in their pockets' I think that was how he put it, and he regaled me yet again (he does this often) of stories of how others in similar situations had their parents paying their airfares, flying them out twice a year, and booking them in for holidays in exotic locations in the USA... implying that my parents fall short of the mark.

I just wonder what other people do or would expect their parents to do?
(My parents aren't tremendously wealthy) I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude and wouldn't dare tell my parents what is going on-- or why for the umpteenth year in a row we are going to be unable to come visit them!

BTW. In case you were wondering I am not working at the moment, I did work full time up until about 3 years ago, it is a sore point with him, as it's 'his' money it's not a question of just going ahead and booking it up without his permission! sad

Emo76 Wed 03-Apr-13 18:57:54

Well he sounds like quite the catch.... angry


They sound very generous. Your H does not.

My parent live in the ME and have paid for me and DS to visit (dh couldn't get holidays) but it wasn't expected. If we couldn't afford to pay to go over, we wouldn't have approached them asking to visit. When I was there I made sure I bought groceries, a family meal, filled the car etc.

He's being a twat. Why should your parents finance all this stuff? Next time he says something, list all of the things they have done for you, especially the financial side of things.

Bobyan Wed 03-Apr-13 19:01:34

Ltb, go and live with your parents instead, they sound lovely.

LemonBreeland Wed 03-Apr-13 19:01:50

Your H is a greedy twunt. I would be embarassed by his grabby attitude tbh.

zwischenzug Wed 03-Apr-13 19:02:19

Emo76 has summed everything up more or less.

CarpeVinum Wed 03-Apr-13 19:03:38

I live in Italy, with my Italian husband and our child.

He doesn't expect my family to pay the fares for me (and kid) to go home.

He, like me, sees it as one of the normal expenses that come as part of the package of a mixed nationality family/couple. Just like the rather large phone bill used to be until we got a special EU calls flat rate. Just like the parcels from amazon uk full of things he doesn't understand like golden syrup and black treacle.

You like me spend your life away from home, family and unspoken cultural refences that don't need explaining (to people with be,used faces). You like me probably spend a fair bit of time feeling like a fish put of water some days. Compared to that I don't see how he can see the occasional airfare home as such massive "sacrifice" for the family (as in your two's family, not your family origin) to absorb for the sake of you touching base with home, and your child being familiar, first hand with their other culture.

And big fat hug, cos that would upset me mightlily..on days when I had been harranged for my "strange" child rearing practices that attitude would have pushed me over the edge.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 19:04:02

Maybe they'd be happy to cover your airfare if you weren't married to such a grabby, greedy cunt?

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 19:04:46

Are his parents still alive?
Do you see them?

CarpeVinum Wed 03-Apr-13 19:05:00

to people with be,used faces

That would be bemused

Not sure what a used face looks like.

DublinMammy Wed 03-Apr-13 19:05:08

YaaNBU. He sounds very spoilt and grabby. They certainly do NOT have to pay.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 19:05:12

Wow. He's really grabby, isn't he?

I hate it when people think that other people's money is rightfully theirs.

Is he talking of Inheritances yet?

Bunbaker Wed 03-Apr-13 19:06:25

Wow. He has a massive sense of entitlement doesn't he.

When we visit MIL 150 miles away we don't expect her to pay for the diesel.

When you have got loads of replies on here telling you what a tosser your husband is you can show him this thread grin

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 19:06:26

Your husband is being very unreasonable and he needs to stop talking about your parents like that. He is being very disrespectful. To them and to you.

That's the first thing.

He also seems to have a selective memory, or perhaps even memory loss. You need to tell him clearly it's not acceptable to re-write history and slag off your parents.

Finally, I think you need to sort this "his" money thing out. I presume you are not working but are providing childcare?

Iteotwawki Wed 03-Apr-13 19:06:36

I live in a separate country to my Dad - and if he wants to visit us, we pay his airfare, put him up, pay for the extra food while he's here and take him on trips out.

If we want to visit him in the UK - we pay for our flights and contribute towards his groceries, pay for all costs with sightseeing etc.

I wouldn't expect him to pay for anything.

Your H is being an arse.

Toasttoppers Wed 03-Apr-13 19:06:45

I feel sorry for you as our DH sounds horrible. DH Father lives abroad and he has never paid for us to visit him.

Wandawingsthe2nd Wed 03-Apr-13 19:06:58

biscuit for your husband.

ENormaSnob Wed 03-Apr-13 19:07:12

Eww do you have sex with this man?


Out of interest, does he also expect his own parents to pay for his family like this? Does he expect to pay for your dcs like c that when they are adults? Id be embarrassed by
him too

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 19:09:36

What Lemonbree said x 10000

Jollyb Wed 03-Apr-13 19:09:38

Goodness of course they shouldn't. DP is Australian. We go back every other year. We pay for our own flights. We will also be paying for his mum to come over this year as her funds are a bit tight.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 19:12:02

I think a lot of men have a thing about being the sole or main earner and how that entitles them to be a bit of a tit from time to time.
most of them seem to manage to rein it in though and see sense.

Your dh is one who doesn't.
He is behaving like a knob.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Wed 03-Apr-13 19:12:35

HIBU, grabby, greedy and generally an arsehole. Paying for trips abroad is part of the package that comes with marrying someone who is from another country. He should not expect your parents to cover that, and he sounds spectacularly rude & unappreciative of the financial help they have already given.

HildaOgden Wed 03-Apr-13 19:12:38

Your parents sound lovely,you should book a flight and visit them with your kids.

Use your joint household income to pay for it.

Stop enabling this grabby tightwad.Reclaim your share of the money,and reclaim your right to spend it as you choose.

Ps.Don't bring your husband,he'll ruin the hoilday.

Badvoc Wed 03-Apr-13 19:13:01

He sounds awful op.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 19:13:11

He sounds awful. What a shitty attitude and outlook on life in general. Perhaps you need to do some calculations and tally up what your parents have spent over the past 20 years.

Personally I wouldn't have gone so long without visiting home. Time to start budgeting that holiday to America.

And if he's not willing to put towards it I suggest you get a job and save yourself. Perhaps ditching him along the way.

crunchbag Wed 03-Apr-13 19:13:12

YANBU, he is

How sad you haven't been back for 12 years. I am from abroad, not as far as you, and as CarpeVinum says the travel expenses come as part of the package.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 03-Apr-13 19:15:20

Your husband sounds vile. Really really horrible.

Frawli Wed 03-Apr-13 19:17:22

I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL! I wouldn't put up with it.

If your parents always expected you to go and see them and never came to see you then they should contribute but if they visit then they should pay for their tickets and if you visit you should pay for your own. If they were particularly wealthy then it would be nice if they could help you out but if they're not then why should they be penalised for you emigrating? It sounds as though your husband has a chip on his shoulder towards your parents or alternatively he is just a nasty, mean piece of work. Either way, the upshot is that he is trying to make you feel bad about things while hampering his children of a relationship with their grandparents. What a top bloke hmm

You should book flights for just you and your DC, and not come back.

Squitten Wed 03-Apr-13 19:20:16

He sounds like quite the catch there...

TBH, if he really considers his money to be "his" and resents you for not working, then visiting your parents is really the least of your concerns!

Parker231 Wed 03-Apr-13 19:20:36

Of course you don't need his permission to book a holiday using the family money - its not his money but the families. I'm not saying to book a trip without discussing it but surely he can't stop you and your children visiting your parents. Are you planing on getting a job ?

MrsOakenshield Wed 03-Apr-13 19:20:57

your H sounds like a right charmer. But, if you have been working full time up until 3 years ago, I don't understand why you can't have saved up and paid for flights out there? It's only been 'his' money recently? So, I think blaming your H for your lack of visits to the States isn't quite on, unless you're on minimum wage (which, of course, you could be) why haven't you been out yourself?

But no, he shouldn't expect them to pay.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 03-Apr-13 19:22:05

Your issue is not airfares. Your issue is that your husband is behaving like a Neanderthal in thinking that just because he earns it the money is all his.

You need to resolve the imbalance in your relationship.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 19:22:54

"I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL! I wouldn't put up with it."

Me either!

I live further away from my parents than you do, and so I know what it's like to be far away from people for large parts of the year. It's a massive sacrifice you have made being so far from home. The LEAST he can do is prioritise opportunities for you to go home and see your family.

Also, does he not realise that your children are half American and that your parents are their grandparents? They have an aunt they never see and possibly cousins or other relatives?

I feel really strongly about this. Does he think you just fell out of a tree? hmm
This is FAMILY, not just a random jolly you are asking to go on.

It's completely unacceptable. You need to tell him you won't stand for this.

And he needs to be a lot more respectful in the way he speaks about them. It's just foul. They raised you. They deserve his respect for that at least.

DP is from New Zealand. His parents paid for us to go over when DD was a baby, but that was a one-off, and also for his 30th. It was a surprise, not expected, and hugely appreciated. We've paid every other time we've been. I'd echo that your husband sounds mean and grabby.

oldraver Wed 03-Apr-13 19:24:39

I think he is living in cloud cuckoo land. Why should your parents bank roll you ? I think it perfectly ok if your parents want to send you money or pay for flights but why does he expect it ?

PuggyMum Wed 03-Apr-13 19:25:48

I'm actually shocked and quite upset at this thread.

My IL's visit regularly from Scotland. I do not allow guests to buy all the groceries and pick up the tab. I graciously accept a token gesture. My IL's are very wealthy and we are not but they are a) family and b) our guests.

When we visit them, we do not expect fuel money and also reciprocate a token gesture.

Your husband sees it as his money is also very telling. He sounds financially abusive and very mean.


CarpeVinum Wed 03-Apr-13 19:26:12

I hope your husband is nice in other ways because his attitude towards your parents is AWFUL!

You aren't wrong. But that really is just the cherry on the cake AFAIAMC.

The bulk of the issue, the actual "cake" is ...His wife is far from home, hasn't been back for ages, can't plan on going back unless she goes cap in hands to her parents becuase the person who is supposed to love her can't or won't acknowledge the personal cost and sacrifice on her part of living in his country. Not even to the extent of regarding trips home as an expense that can and must be met in order to minimise (at least to some extent) the wieght of being the one who left everything behind.

That is the bit that is sticking in my craw.

PollyEthelEileen Wed 03-Apr-13 19:31:27

We are also an Anglo-American family.

It is a lot easier than our American GF to visit us here than it is for all of us to go there. Also, our location is a lot more interesting. When he is here, he will pay for one meal out and we will pay for everything else.

When we visited him at Christmas, we pretty much paid for all the food (and cooked it).

He is generally very astute with money and keen for us not to pay inheritance tax smile

We try to go over every 3-4 years, but it is very expensive for us (big family). The advantage of going is that we get to see siblings and cousins, who would never dream of visiting us. Not even the Olympics could entice them over. There is always Skype.

AntsMarching Wed 03-Apr-13 19:32:36

I'm an American married to a Brit. We fly back to the US twice a year (used to go 3-4 times a year before kids). We pay for it ourselves. My parents come over once every two years. They pay for their flights. When they're here, we buy all food and they stay in our guest room. I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay.

My DH is happy to do this, it's something we both agreed on before making the move to be together.

Your H sounds mean, both with his attitude to your parents and with money. He also sounds as if he has no regards for your feelings. Does he not ever consider that you might like to see old friends or even just be where you grew up?

MmeLindor Wed 03-Apr-13 19:33:36

What Carpe said.

Does he even realise how hard it is for you to be so far from home?

We now live in Scotland after many years living in Germany where DH was born. When we live there we visited Scotland regularly. Now we are in UK we will visit his family in Germany.

It's part of being married to someone from a different country.

Is he always such a total wanker, or just about money?

thank you all for your comments! and confirming it's HIM not ME, he argues very convincingly that he's right.

Hecsy yes he talks about inheritance a lot. As for my parents he reckons there won't be much left over once they've 'frittered it all away' ... several house moves and less-than-great house choices... they inherited $$$ from my grandparents but they don't share information or consult with me so it's none of my business what they do with it. I have no idea how much they've got in the bank but they live comfortably on what they have.

Emily quite a different story with his parents (who live in the UK). When they come to ours he likes to flash cash around and takes them out for expensive meals. We went up before Christmas and FFS he insisted on buying many many bottles of champagne just to prove he's got superior taste and the whole atmosphere is irritating. For everyone. He constantly wonders how much money they've got in the bank (won't tell him I suppose, they are tightwads in the extreme and very uptight about money) and calculates how much their house is worth. They never spend anything on us.

He justifies his attitude by saying that if people talked more openly about money they'd be better at handling it. hmm Well I sort of agree but it shouldn't mean reducing everything down to money.

Sorry this is turning into a rant but as you can tell I am v v p*ssed off at him! So many thanks for the commiseration smile this will galvanize me into action I hope.

TheSloppelganger Wed 03-Apr-13 19:46:24

I'm English, married to an American and living in the US.

When my mum, or other friends and relatives come to the US to visit us they pay their own air fares, and then when we go to the UK to visit we pay our own air fares.

My mum is pretty well off (probably a lot more comfortable than DH and I) but no way would we ever dream of expecting her to pay for our flights if we wanted to visit. That would just be shockingly rude. So we save up like normal people until we can afford the air fare.

DH has no problem with this use of our money (even though I get more out of the trip than he does really - seeing as how it is my family and they don't exactly live in a top tourist spot!) and even though he earns 3x as much as me, there is no 'his money' aspect, which is really a deeply unpleasant attitude - unless the other party in the relationship is just lazing on the sofa eating bon bons all day I suppose!

Your DH sounds like an ungrateful grasping wanker with absolutely no manners and no respect for his children's heritage. I hope he is nicer than he sounds.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 19:46:28

How did I know he's got his eyes on the prize?

He's got a shocking attitude, notMrsRobinson. I think you should tell him just how revolting he is.

And I hope your parents don't leave one single penny for him to get his hands on. His attitude towards their money is disgusting.

You are very much right. DH is U. My parents come to see us about once a year. I or DH and I go to see them about once every two. Very rarely, they offer to pay. Normally we pay and it was a condition of me living in DH's country that I would always be able to go home if I wanted.

I am only working very part-time and nothing has changed. I am currently booking over a thousand dollars in flights for the summer.

One reason I married DH was that he was very keen to make sure that he paid for dinner when we go out with them sometimes. DH and DF argue over it smile. I married a tightwad the first time and didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

HildaOgden Wed 03-Apr-13 19:48:22

Why have you accepted his treatment of your parents?

TheSloppelganger Wed 03-Apr-13 19:49:18

Blimey, he sounds completely obsessed with money.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 19:49:57


I was going to ask the obvious "does he expect his parents to pay for your travel to visit them?" but obviously I don't need to do I.

Well, he's a charmer isn't he.

Does this behaviour extend to other areas of your life? Is he charming and generous to others and just behaves like a twunt with you?

Really sorry. Feel free to rant.

I know that the whole PIL thing is an absolute minefield. My DH and I live in the UK but our families live overseas (same country, totally different directions!) and their attitudes to how and when to visit and who is responsible for paying is a huge bugbear and has caused a lot of issues between the ILs and us.

I just think your DH's attitude stinks and I would be angry ..

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:06

You sound lovely but your husband sounds awful, bordering on financially abusive. How come you've been back to see your family so little over the years? Is it all because of him or did you not want to visit them?

Yes, flights are expensive but you're talking £500 return per person out of season. Surely you and the kids could have gone every other year or so, given it's your home country! I can't believe your husband wants your kids to know so little about their mum's heritage!

I live in a pretty international city and I don't know any mixed nationality couples who just 'give up' on the country they're not in. Regular visits are almost a condition of the person giving up their home country, if that makes sense.

Unless you have financial issues, I don't see why your husband is behaving like this. Also, it's not 'his' money, it's family money. Book some flights and go and see your family before it's too late!

Machli Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:49

Three years isn't "recent" mrsoakenshield.

Maybe OP's H wasn't such a greedy grabby arse three years ago when OP was bringing in some cash. She probably didn't think she'd have to save her wages to fund the rest of her trips home forever! Who would?

DIYapprentice Wed 03-Apr-13 19:56:51

OMH, what a a complete arse!!!! YANBU at all.

Did he think your family were very wealthy when he met you? Is that the expectation, that he married into money or something???!!!

TBH I'm not sure whether I'm more disgusted with his attitude to your parents or to his own parents....

Both DH and I live on the other side of the world to our families. My DM paid for my airfare once, when I was studying, but now we pay all of our own airfares. I stay with them, now with my DSs as well, when there I buy quite a lot of groceries.

DPIL visit and stay with us, they will buy some groceries, but I certainly don't expect them to buy it all. If they want to holiday while here they will pay for us to join them. Going out, about equal I guess.

complexnumber Wed 03-Apr-13 20:00:14

So... if you think all this is true :

He's got a shocking attitude
I think you should tell him just how revolting he is.
Is he always such a total wanker, or just about money?
Your husband sees it as his money is also very telling. He sound financially abusive and very mean.
Your H is a greedy twunt. I would be embarassed by his grabby attitude tbh.

Then you know what to do.

But... can you be sure about MN concern...

Booyhoo Wed 03-Apr-13 20:02:54

" I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude "

yep, me too. i couldn't love or even like someone like him.

Puggy , and others, so sorry to cause upset. Yes this issue is just icing on what's actually a really bad cake, there is a lot of EA stuff going on otherwise but I won't go into details, just wanted a reaction on the fares.

MrsOak you're right I could put my foot down and pay, I did this on my last visit 12 years ago as it was a big family celebration (my dad at age of 72 gained an advanced degree at a really top uni and my mother wanted us to come to the graduation ceremony) heartbreaking that H didn't come, we were about to move house and he was being selfish saying the move was more important. He was absolutely horrible about it.

But my parents do like coming out here and we do see them, and TBH we're all happy with the arrangement but I just feel like we should take the kids to see their heritage so to speak.

What has prompted this was that I took my DD to the American Embassy today to register her birth (she is 17-and-three-quarters and it needed to be done before she turned 18 smile I never bothered to do it when she was a baby). She's keen to get an American passport and have the option of living there in the future if she chooses, or maybe even doing a graduate degree there. DS already has American Passport, and I wanted them to be equal in status. H is FURIOUS at me for doing it... there is no reason he should be furious... I think it's just that it is something I did without his permission. And he's furious that I spent 'his money' on it... FFS it was only £66 to register. But it all seems to tie in together with the fact that he seems to want to deny them their American heritage.

Yes, all, he is a horrible man. I'm dealing with that separately sad

ChasedByBees Wed 03-Apr-13 20:06:31

He sounds awful. Just awful.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 20:06:39

I have many many relatives; cousins live all over the world. If any of their parents were expected to pay fares back here to see UK rellies, no one would see them at all. Not that aunts/uncles are tight, but if you've got,say, 2 kids in Australia you can't fly them all over here - and their kids, and ohs - can you? One family have one child in ME, one in NZ, two in SA. How on earth could they pay for four families to come over here on a regular basis.

Your h is being ridiculous and nasty. What would happen if you just booked flights for you and the children? You'd be saving on his fare, after all. Then, just stay there.

Incidentally, does he possess redeeming features?

Wibblypig yes at some point it will be too late. I really need to get out of this!

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:08

I guess the worry is, he's not actually just tight. (not an attractive quality but not the worst thing in a man)
When it suits him he can spend quite liberally in order to either give himself pleasure or to affect the way others see him.

Not sure what to suggest bit I'm hoping he has some exceptional redeeming qualities

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:31

OP PLEASE don't apologise for posting.

That has just broken my heart. Are you ok? You've not caused any upset at all. I am sure Puggy is just upset that you are being treated so unfairly flowers

JassyRadlett Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:42

Your husband's attitude is awful.

I'm Australian and my husband is British. We live in the UK. And we go to Australia every year, because that's the deal. We live here but prioritise our holidays on where I'm from, so I can see family and friends and show my son where he comes from.

Honestly, your husband's attitude would be a total dealbreaker for me. You've made huge emotional and social sacrifices to settle permanently in his country. He needs to recognise that and make sure he's doing what he can to make it easier.

And I'd refuse to visit his parents unless they paid, to be quite honest.

Jux sadly no. Except that he provides ££. But grudgingly.

Ask your parents to pay for you and your children, leave him at home and stay there.

SirBoobAlot Wed 03-Apr-13 20:10:30

Your 'H' sounds utterly vile.

I'm sorry you're living with this.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:12:52

X post, sorry.
I see he does not have these redeeming qualities..

I know I bang on about them but.....

Please contact women's aid.

signet Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:10

He is out of his mind. It is not at all up to your parents to pay for flights or anything else. They didn't choose the place where you live so why should they have to pay for it? If it is a real sticking point OP then perhaps you need to reconsider this relationship.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:10

HIS money, fuck that.

As for getting the US passport surely that's money in the bank?

He does sound like a nasty piece of work, sorry.

HildaOgden Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:47

I'm going to be unpopular here....but I really have to ask again 'Why have you accepted this treatment of your parents??'.

I think you have a responsibility here to 'woman up'...they are your parents,and you should be protecting them from being fleeced when they arrive as guests.Passively allowing your husband to do so is disrespectful behaviour by you too,..can you not see that?

This isn't the 1950's where the 'little woman' obeyed her husband ...go visit your parents.And I say that as someone who's Father dropped dead of a heart attack without warning.

You've enabled him to behave like this for 18 years.Stop that.And stop using him as an excuse for you not sorting out joint finances.

I'm aware this sounds harsh...I hope it makes you enforce changes...while everybody is still alive to enjoy it.Don't wait until the air ticket is being bought to attend a funeral (and I've seen that happen within my own family....lots excuses re: lack of visits while alive,managed to get the air ticket when the person died though).

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:23

I would at the very least have to tell my parents not to leave him a penny in their Wills.

What I would really do, though, is leave him. He sounds awful. And I'd find the best lawyer I could to squeeze him until he squeaks.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:24

YANBU. I can't afford to take my kids back to Ohio, and I'm grateful my dad can visit. I wouldn't dream of expecting him to pay for any of us to visit.

CarpeVinum Wed 03-Apr-13 20:26:34

I really need to get out of this!

How old is your youngest? As in, are you near a point where you won't be trapped in the UK due to the ages of your children ? Or would you prefer to stay in the Uk even if you seperated ?

How likely is it that your parents would be willing and able to help finance a swift exit from this relationship ?

Have you broached the topic of your less than happy marriage to your family or would it be a big and unexpected reveal ?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 03-Apr-13 20:30:14

Complexnumber, what do you make of the OP's DH from her posts then?

OP, why does your DH begrudge £66 for his near adult DD to significantly widen her life options?

ivykaty44 Wed 03-Apr-13 20:30:59

sadly my uncle was like your dh - well actually I hope not as my uncle was a MCP and a fu*king b*stard to boot- but he took my dear aunt to live in a country half way across the planet and they came home once in 25 years - then uncle said to her ring your dad and get him to pay the fair home - my grandfather paid twice for them to fly home and my uncle made sure he got stopovers in places to holiday in on the way. All this was at the expense of my grandfather and he paid as he wanted to see his daughter later in life (my grandfather was not poor, comfortable really but not as wealthy as his SIL)

Oh and my uncle left 4 million - he had three sons and a daughter - he didn't leave the daughter a penny - well she was a girl.

Perhaps ask your dh what would he think of a future son or daughter in law if they took of to another country and expected him to pay the bill for the family to fly back to the uk? How would he feel if his son in law wanted him to pick up the tab all the time - would he gladly do this?

I doubt a man that greeds from other people would have short enough pockets to reach his money and pick up a tab.

Ask your own father to fly you and the children home and leave dh at home in the UK - after all he is not a blood relative and would need to pay his own fuc*king fare

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:10

£66 is the cost of 2-3 bottles of champagne, right?

ummm thanks Hilda I know it sounds dire and I may be laying it all on H when truly some of it is my fault... I do like living in the UK and feel privileged to have had the opportunity, and mitigating the situation are a few things 1) my parents do like coming over here 2) I think my parents do enjoy their quiet routines and it would stress them if we descended en masse 3) if we went with H it would require huge expenditure when I just want some time there 4) my parents know that H can be difficult (bossyboots EA in the extreme actually) and I really don't think they want to rock the boat wrt our relationship, I almost wish they would! but they are getting older.

I'm thinking that when DD gets her passport the DC's and I might go this summer on our US passports (DH will be the only one without one then). Of course I'll have to LTB first smile and I'll have loadsa money for flights from fleecing it off him.

My parents have already told me that their will leaves anything leftover to be divvied equally between myself and Dsis, which is simple... it's none of his business.

olivertheoctopus Wed 03-Apr-13 20:41:22

YANBU. Your DH is being a complete dick.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:31


He has an awful attitude. Why is there such an imbalance between what your parents should contribute and what his do?

He sounds childish and entitled as others have said. He sounds like my BIL, he is ultra aware of what he believes he is 'owed', resents his parents spending their money because it is his right to inherit. I hope his parents blow the lot, or skip a generation.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:37

You need to leave him before you inherit, though. Sorry to bring that up. Otherwise I think he could claim half of it, or some at least.

Talk to WA about leaving him and squirrel away as much money as you can until your plan is ready. FGS, don't mention it to him.

Do the children like him?

FierceBadIggi Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:37

Hope things get better for you OP. Fwiw, you are nbu, and your dh is being a knob.

Booyhoo Wed 03-Apr-13 21:00:30

your father is 84 and your DH expects him to pay for you all to fly over and visit? sad

he is a git.

You married a horrible tightwad twunt, so sorry notMrsR
I'm with jux make sure you divorce before the inheritance. I'd leave now, take his tight arse for everything I could and go on a lovely summer holiday to see your parents and sister.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 03-Apr-13 21:24:46

This gets worse! Your H was annoyed because you registered your daughter, who is half American due to descent (ie you!) as an official American?! He sounds unhinged...

I second what other posters say, though you shouldn't ever count on an inheritance as who knows what's going to happen in the future? You need to divorce your H if you don't want him to inherit anything from your DPs, if that's how it works out. As it stands, he could be entitled to something.

foreverondiet Wed 03-Apr-13 21:40:56

Wtf!!!! Of course your parents shouldn't pay and IMO totally irrelevant you not working as you are looking after children - his earnings are family income.

My parents live abroad - we visit maybe once a year - (5 hour flight) we pay for flights but we stay with them (so no accommodation costs) and they take us out for meals / to museums etc.

Dh parents live locally to us but dh never complained about cost of visiting my parents - rather he likes cheap holiday with meals cooked, laundry done and wifi!!!! - and evening babysitting!

hermioneweasley Wed 03-Apr-13 21:48:04

Notmrsrobinson- I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this crap. He sounds like a complete arse. Also sounds like your kids are grown up enough to see him for what he is and you're at a stage where you can take decisions based on your best interests.

I would get info on the financials before you do anything - proof of savings,investments etc as I'm sure he'll hide everything when You leave him.

MmeLindor Wed 03-Apr-13 21:48:43

Would your DD have been able to live in US without getting the passport? Could he be trying to prevent you getting her a passport so you can't LTB?

Yellowtip Wed 03-Apr-13 21:57:17

I used to know someone like this OP and these men are revolting. Please don't stay around for more misery, separate as soon as you can. Your parents sound really decent.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:14:18

The fuss he's making about the passport is absolutely ridiculous. Your dd is 17? She's more than old enough to decide whether she wants a US passport or ot, and getting one is an incredibly sensible decision. Who on earth wouldn't have dual citizenship if they could have it? It open up your options for the rest of your life enormously, contains so many opportunities and can make all sorts of things so much easier. If she wanted, she could just go and work inmthe US with no restrictions.

It sounds like he's trying to write your past out of the picture, almost as if you didn't exist before he met you. Like when he met you, he somehow 'activated' you.

Does he do that sort of thing?

Does he listen to memories of your past, your home life in the US, and so on? Does he close down any conversations about America, the differences in attitudes, language, education, whatever?

raisah Wed 03-Apr-13 22:21:40

Show him & his family this thread, the only effective way to deal with people like that is to name and shame. Also, when you get your inheritance immediately gift the money to your kids so your husband cant inherit your parents money if you die before him. That inheritance money should be for your kids future and not for your husband. He sounds like a financial abuser, visit your family without him.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:26:51

No!!!!! Don't show him the thread! He's an abuser, and you are working towards leaving him. Do not give him any idea of your plans. Silence is golden in this case.

pigletmania Wed 03-Apr-13 22:32:21

Your h is an arsehole and a freeloader. If I were your parents I would pay for you and your children but nt your H.

Dont show him thread.
Do squirrel away money.
Do take out a divorce.
Do return to the US.

pigletmania Wed 03-Apr-13 22:39:52

Yes long term you need to think about leaving him he is god awful

Xmasbaby11 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:46:47

I do hope you get over to visit. It is a really long time since you went, and I'm sure it would mean a lot to you and your kids and parents. Although it is expensive to fly over, if you could stay with your folks, the flight would be the main expense.

It does sound like you have some issues in your marriage, if you are both mentally dividing your assets into his and hers. To an outsider, it sounds like you do not imagine you will be together forever. What do you think?

Don't forget that as your parents get older and more frail, they may not be able to come over as much and you will want/need to visit them instead. This issue will need to be addressed soon.

All the best.

raisah Wed 03-Apr-13 22:53:30

On second thoughts the above posters are right, dont show him this thread as he will make things difficult for you. It doesnt sound like he has any common decency to feel embarrassed by his behaviour if he was named & shamed. I read on another thread that an ex partner has 6 years to make a claim on money from their ex. Please find out from a solicitor if this is true and ask your parents to remove you from their will & and to replace you with your children. If you decide to leave him later atleast your parents money wil eventually go to their blood relations rather than an in law.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 23:17:55

Possibly to you, in trust to your children.

PuggyMum Wed 03-Apr-13 23:19:48

Oh my goodness notmrsrobinson please don't apologise to me! I am upset on your behalf.

I knew there would be more to it though and sounds as though this business with the passport has tipped the scales for you.

Why should your daughter miss out on the benefits of holding a US passport? It could bring opportunity for your dcs in the future. Surely any parent would want that for their children?

I feel for you as being so far from home just knowing you could easily go and visit without worry is sometimes all you need to know and he is denying you peace of mind and being very cruel indeed.

If this is the start of you making some big decisions please keep posting.

Look after yourself.

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