to never to attend a social event where the woman with the Fecal Finger will be present.

(72 Posts)
DIYWidow Wed 03-Apr-13 17:06:20

The Fecal Finger of Fate has struck our family again.
Christmas was destroyed by a local lady with the shits who went to the pub and infected table - DH included and before fully recovered hosted a birthday party (got DD with her finger licking humous dipping ways).

I accepted a homemade chocolate brownie this weekend and six hours later felt the explosive power of her voodoo building in my colon.

Now we are not a 'delicate 'family but her ' it's good to be exposed to germs and stuff' attitude is destroying my holidays.

AIBU to avoid her purely on the grounds of health & hygiene?

Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Apr-13 17:09:38

<arf @ Fecal Finger of Fate>

May attempt sensible response when cleaned spat out tea off keyboard.

sherazade Wed 03-Apr-13 17:10:48

you accepted a brownie? how could you?

AgentZigzag Wed 03-Apr-13 17:10:53

Who is this Fecal Fingered woman? <ewww>

And why did you accept anything made by her fair Fecal Fingered Hands after the pubs Table Of Doom?

Are you sure it's her though? These things get about don't they?

anklebitersmum Wed 03-Apr-13 17:12:40

are you utterly convinced it was germs and not an ex-lax brownie confused

Toasttoppers Wed 03-Apr-13 17:13:30

Just feeds in to my hate of buffet tables....bleurgghhh

Fecal finger grin

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 17:14:30

You accepted a brownie from someone with a known shit finger?

Am I the only one who would have refused it?

AgentZigzag Wed 03-Apr-13 17:15:59

I would have accepted it and given it to the Bin Monster.

DIYWidow Wed 03-Apr-13 17:19:47

Coconutty - I was n't thinking - Easter, chocolate, elevenses, Christmas an eon ago.

She prides herself on her culinary skills, she'll be there at bbqs 'helping in the kitchen', school cake bakes, a helpful pair of hands at a big Sunday lunch.

midastouch Wed 03-Apr-13 17:20:49

Well to be honest I'd have steered clear after the first instance! But then I don't eat food that other people have touched or possibly breathed on, yuck

Have I missed a thread?

AgentZigzag Wed 03-Apr-13 17:26:19

If you have, so have I SPB.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 17:27:52

whaaaaaat ?


Maat Wed 03-Apr-13 17:30:10

Can you not install some type of sheep dip that she is made to swim through at the doorway of such events?

MardyBra Wed 03-Apr-13 17:31:32

Please can someone explain the back (passage) story?

Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Apr-13 17:33:04

But then I don't eat food that other people have touched or possibly breathed on, yuck

Do you live on air? Only all food has been touched and breathed upon at some stage.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 17:34:10

When you say brownie...

Is she some sort of superhero? Is the fecal finger her weapon of choice?

MardyBra Wed 03-Apr-13 17:35:27

grin at Hecsy.

thornrose Wed 03-Apr-13 17:36:50


Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Apr-13 17:36:59

I'd definitely avoid her chocolate mousse.

AgentZigzag Wed 03-Apr-13 17:37:09
CuppaTea83 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:39:13

Utterly pissing myself at the thought of Fecal Finger woman ruining your life.
Sorry blush

Owllady Wed 03-Apr-13 17:39:46

is it Helen on the PTA? I know her as well
she left a cardi at ours the once and we all developed impetigo within days

Ledkr Wed 03-Apr-13 17:40:41

This is when I know my " food issues" are not a bad thing grin

Can I also introduce you to the PICK A MIX envy
Has to one of the vilest germ infested things ever <heaves>

CuppaTea83 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:42:52

Nooo Ledkr I love pick 'n mix. Don't make me face the reality. sad

BalloonSlayer Wed 03-Apr-13 17:44:14

I think I may know this woman. She is involved in a lot of social activities. You could say she has a finger in every pie.

memphis83 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:44:37

'explosive power of her voodoo building in my colon'
This made me spit my tea!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 17:47:31
ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 17:48:10
lolaflores Wed 03-Apr-13 17:49:11

I am seeing Nosferatu in my mind, with drippy icky fingers of poop. Offer a hand gel next time and perhaps one of those face mask surgery things.
That is foul.
I have a friend who is also a "wonder" in the kitchen. THe kitchen is filthy. No words can describe the crusty layers of cack that steadily build on it. Then the bathroom defies description, just awful. she is always cooking stuff and bringing it round for shares and I just want to vom on it. I nibble kindly then say I am stuffed. They constantly have D&V round theirs. I try not to look at her hands.

MardyBra Wed 03-Apr-13 17:50:00
Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Apr-13 17:50:22

You could say she has a finger in every pie.

No Shit, Sherlock!

lolaflores Wed 03-Apr-13 17:51:55

Mardy that is the stuff of is looking at me. oh dear.

Maat Wed 03-Apr-13 17:51:58

How bored do you have to be before you make a chocolate mould of your finger? confused

Am I ths only one who didn't think that was a finger?
I demand to know what is going on. I really want ti get to the bottom of it

lolaflores Wed 03-Apr-13 17:54:13

It did look like a willy for a moment but my eye started at the bottom and worked up...if that makes any sense. Well confused for a moment

MardyBra Wed 03-Apr-13 17:55:54

You have clearly not seen "The Help".
"Eat my shit" must have inspire Fecal Finger Woman

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 17:58:40

What are you googling? No don't answer. Ib between this thread ans porn in the cock pot .TIIIM I am hysterical

DIYWidow Wed 03-Apr-13 18:03:14

My suffering has allowed you lot to alert me to some of the images that exist in the corners of the internet. Bleach for brain and bathroom now.

Her kitchen is a wonder, D&V seemingly an inevitable part of life. When I expressed shock at her catering a kids party whilst still 'suffering' she faced me down with a 'can't stop, what would the world come to if....' I think that my world would be healthier.

It was n't even a nice cake, bit dry, clearly not Nigella's 20quid recipe list.

Is there a previous thread?
And how do you know she suffers from.ff? Are you basing it on ensuing sickess or does she swagger in and yell "SMELL MA FINGER!" waggling it under your nose?

ComposHat Wed 03-Apr-13 18:06:26

I bet she doesn't enjoy baking very much and she's only going through the motions.

AgentZigzag Wed 03-Apr-13 18:07:33

You're not...The Poo Troll are you DIY? shock

Perhaps you are but didn't know it?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 18:07:43

Maybe you can see it, Stealth...

She maybe has a little stool which she pulls out when baking

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 18:11:11

No, compo. No poo puns. They make me all hot under the cholera.

eggerlicious Wed 03-Apr-13 18:13:37

From what I've read it is not her finger you need to be worrying about but her arse.....

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Wed 03-Apr-13 18:13:43

I'm surprised that she can show her faeces in public.

DIYWidow Wed 03-Apr-13 18:24:17

No, I am not the Poo troll, been here since Justine used to ask us for donations to keep the place going.

Since you're all googling away here's Wogan to brighten up your day.

It a lose/lose situation, I could not eat at social events or overeat knowing the inevitable purge will also see me drop a dress size.

She's not particularly funny but she did say with a completely straight face that she was ideally looking for a widower with girls. [Sees murder plot to gain DH and my DDs].

The Police will find this thread won't they? - It's the mad haired, Guardian reading loon that done it. The newly arrived gardening/singing/horse riding expert that recently moved here.

You know, it's as testament to how immune to boak parenting has made me that I've just eaten my dinner while reading this thread hmmgrin

DIY.... I think this situation calls for the permanent diet tactic. Any time you're offered food by the germ infested witch simply smile ruefully and say 'oh it looks gorgeous but I'm trying to lose weight for my cousins wedding/dps work do/school reunion'

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Wed 03-Apr-13 18:36:48

But SummerRain a dose of the trots is great for weightloss, making these 'delicacies' very diet friendly. wink

TheDevilsGherkins Wed 03-Apr-13 19:11:25

Never mind Wogan. Wogan is sooo last year.

Don is what you need.

Dear god, that woman must be walking like john Wayne shock

shock who is that ???

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 19:44:30

Doesn't look big to me.

TheDevilsGherkins Wed 03-Apr-13 20:00:24

The Hammaconda, Caffeine.

Hec, either you're not seeing what I'm seeing or your husband is really blessed grin

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 21:47:40

I suppose he must be! grin

Can someone please explain
(Not the large penis thing, the pooey fingered one)

LimeFlower Wed 03-Apr-13 21:59:15

explosive power of her voodoo building in my colon


this left me in stitches

sorry to hear you were affected defecated by Shit Fairy OP

EmmaBemma Wed 03-Apr-13 22:03:48

are you saying that this woman permanently has the communicable shits? I'm not sure that's possible. Perhaps you need to widen your search for the culprit.

BlackholesAndRevelations Wed 03-Apr-13 22:14:18


DIYWidow Wed 03-Apr-13 22:21:02

Ding Dong Don Draper

I'm pointing my clean, scrubbed finger at her. The only thing I've eaten this Easter different to my family is the homemade aptly named cake - I'm the only one suffering.

Back at Christmas we heard far to much information and made up medical fact. As the daughter of a doctor she is qualified to state that the 48 hour rule is rubbish and people have no immune systems these days.
We also witnessed the return from downstairs cloakroom with unwashed hands, which were then dipped straight into the buffet humus. 6 hours later DD was muck spraying. sad

TinyDiamond Wed 03-Apr-13 23:16:08

Funniest thread in ages. I salute you

KurriKurri Thu 04-Apr-13 00:19:58

Is she targetting you do you think? - like a nemesis (or nemeshit in this case)

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Thu 04-Apr-13 00:29:29

Fucking hell shock!
Who is this shit sharing bitch? She sounds foul. Without question you should distance yourself and under no circumstances permit any food she has fingered to pass your lips.

Oh god 'nemeshit' just killed me!

Brilliant thread

GummyAdams Thu 04-Apr-13 09:01:38

^6 hours later DD was muck spraying^grin
So sorry for your poor DD, but what a turn of phrase.
Old poo fingers sounds absolutely vile. Send her an anonymous letter?
Begin it- 'Dear Typhoid Mary,'

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