Dh has gambled the last quarter of my last paycheck

(63 Posts)
reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:17:14

I do have the right to be upset about this, yes?

Have gone through our recent bank records and found 25% of my last pay was withdrawn by dh for gambling.

I am so upset as this was money was my final payslip and I am now a sahm while I look for another job.

Dh says he didn't think to mention it as he has started a new full time job which pays a lot more than mine (he had been working part time and also partime sahd).

I think that this shows he does not value my salary and my work sad I wanted the last of my pay check to go into savings, now it feels like I shouldn't have bothered working and earning that money if he is going to just waste it so easily!

This is not in his nature at all. We have always discussed whether we can afford him gambling and he never does it more that twice a year and now he has broken this agreement, I don't know why this has changed now and I am so upset.

sherazade Wed 03-Apr-13 11:18:24

Make sure he pays you every penny back

sherazade Wed 03-Apr-13 11:19:16

And you have every right to be enraged beyond limit.

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 11:20:04

Your account or a joint account?

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:22:01

He took the money out of our joint account.

He has said that he will transfer me a lump sum in excess of what he took into my own account when he gets paid, but I don't think that makes up for it.

I feel like he didn't value my salary and job.

TheCraicDealer Wed 03-Apr-13 11:23:11

Clearly he see your wages as "family money". But "family money" should not be pissed up a wall for the enjoyment of one member. How would he like it if you went out on a spending spree and spent a quarter of his wages on shoes? YANBU. Gambling, in any form beyond the lottery, is a deal breaker for me.

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 11:24:39

I don't see a joint accounts mine or yours but 'ours', but that is splitting hairs I suppose. If he is putting in, he can take out. Who deposited last is neither here nor there.

I'd have bigger concerns about the amount he was gambling.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 03-Apr-13 11:25:56

I can't believe you're asking if you have a right to be upset - of course you do! How DARE he?! And to not feel like he needed to mention it to you!

TheFallenNinja Wed 03-Apr-13 11:31:20

I take it he didn't win? How much are we talking about?

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:33:06

That is why I am annoyed, whenever he has gambled before it was planned in advance and I have the same amount to spend as well, so it was fair.

He didn't mention it and he says he didn't think I would mind as he would be earning it back soon and thought I would be happy with a lump sum the same. But I had planned on my last payslip being put aside for savings as I don't know when I will work again and I like to feel I was still contributing to the finances as it was my salary in the savings.

Are you sure his gambling is only twice a year? The fact that he takes substantial chunks of money and gambles them without asking you suggests that gamblling might be a more serious problem than he has let you know.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:38:34

Of course he didn't win! We always count on him not winning, that is why we budget it in advance.


I am fairly sure this is the first time as I keep an eye on our accounts, we both do, so i have know idea why he didn't tell me before i noticed.

I have to say this has really dented 12 years of trust.

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 11:42:33

Has he left you enough to live on, after all bills are paid, until someone gets paid again?

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 11:43:41

I think he needs to stop gambling if he's now lying about it and taking large sums of money without asking.

It's now a problem.

Gambling addiction is terrifying.

TheCraicDealer Wed 03-Apr-13 11:45:25

He didn't mention it and he says he didn't think I would mind as he would be earning it back soon

That's what freaks me out about gambling- it's a slippery slope and sooner or later you start spending money you don't have and "promise" to pay it back on the never never.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:49:18

Yes we have enough to live on, we could 'afford' it which is why I think he is surprised I am upset.

Even if it was a lower amount and I was on very low pay and we could still 'afford' it I would be upset as I feel it is him wasting my last paycheck and I shouldn't have bothered going into work at all, as he will be able to earn it all back and more in no time at his new job hmm

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 11:50:33

I realise everything is relative, but as a percentage of salary, that is an horrific amount to be spunking up the wall.

nenevomito Wed 03-Apr-13 11:50:55

I would be absoluely livid. Gambling £380 is basically pissing it up the wall. Family money or not, he should have told you he was going to waste that much money. Him earning it means nothing, as it's still £380 less than you would have had.

So no, YANBU. Totally not U.

ConferencePear Wed 03-Apr-13 11:52:31

Reneaa2 you must get yourself an account of your own immediately. You need to sit down with your DH and agree an amount that will be paid in each month for household bills. Don't buy anything on a credit card now that you are not earning.
I have been badly stung by this sort of thing because I was too trusting with my first DH. They fool themselves into thinking it will all be OK. Even now with a second DH, who is actually fine about money, I make sure MY money is paid into MY account because I can't bear to hand control over to anyone else.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 11:54:15

I would also be very concerned that now that he's the earner and you're financially dependent on him he thinks it's OK to take hundreds of pounds of family money for gambling without a by your leave.

TwllBach Wed 03-Apr-13 11:57:19

I realise that it's not a deal breaker for everyone, but if I ever found out DP gambled with our money, I would leave. I would not feel safe or secure. I'm not sure I could even be with someone who gambled with their own money.

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 11:59:19

DH has a mate who would sell his granny to fund his addiction, one big win and he's off at it again, until it's all gone.

starfishmummy Wed 03-Apr-13 11:59:48

I think you need to take charge of the family finances completely.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:02:40

I will be getting some money from my dad next week (into my personal account) I have a good mind to keep it and not put it into our joint and not tell dh. Would that be deceitful of me or justified do you think hmm

Viviennemary Wed 03-Apr-13 12:05:39

That is totally shocking. I was going to say have your salary paid into a separate account in your own name but I see you have now given up work and are an SAHM. I appreciate gambling can be an addiction and I would encourage him to seek help. I'd be worried this will escalate and become a huge problem. It's not really the norm to gamble that amount of money.

HollyBerryBush Wed 03-Apr-13 12:07:03

I think I might have memory loss, OP, and leave it in the personal account

balia Wed 03-Apr-13 12:08:18

Justified. I wouldn't be giving any money to a gambler. £380 - what could that have paid for for the kids?

joolsangel Wed 03-Apr-13 12:15:59

i think there are several issues. not just that he gambled part of your salary and didnt think to tell you. the very fact that he didnt tell you should sound alarm bells. this doesnt sound like someone who just gambles twice a year. are you sure he doesnt gamble more often? i would insist that if he wants to gamble then as long as he makes sure he has left enough money in your joint account to meet your financial requirements then he can do what he wants with the rest of his money, not yours, as long as its not detrimental to you or leaves the family short. you need to point out to him that as he has broken your trust, taken your money without asking, and is basically pissing it up against a wall, then becuase of his reckless behaviour it leaves you in no doubt that you will control the family finances from now on. tell him your salary wont be getting paid into a joint account any longer when you get a new job and change the way you pay your bills to suit. you need to insist that you cut off his ability to take money as and when and you need to let him know that you are being forced to take this action because of his behaviour. you might find that if you cut off his ability to have easy access to money for things like this, then other problems will be revealed ie he is gambling more than you realise. gambling is addictive. its not something you just do twice a year.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 14:33:34

He's either a full blown addict or on his way there - either way it needs to stop now. I'd be furious if my partner pissed away that much of our money, and without discussing it too, doesn't matter if we could comfortably afford it.

He needs to pay you back every penny, although since its a joint account it might not seem to make a difference.

Does he have anthing he could sell to make up the money? If my partner did this his xbox, guitar or amp would be going up for sale to make the cost up.

You are right to be angry, and I would be very wary if how much I could trust him right now. Certainly don't give him access to the money your dad is giving you, and make sure you set up your own account with money you can access if you need to. Last thing you need to find is that he's ganbled 25% or more of his own paycheck next month.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 03-Apr-13 15:03:43

Yanbu. I hope he pays some money into your savings sad

OTTMummA Wed 03-Apr-13 15:21:12

Yadnbu, whatever your dad gives you put it away in a personal account and don't get any statements sent home.

I would make sure your dad knows not to mention anything either.

Cut off his access to your money and family money immediately. He can spend his own money on gambling if he wants to, or he can sell his possessions on Ebay or down Cash Converters, but you need to make sure he can't access bill money or your savings.

This may hold things for a while, but I think you might have to start putting backup plans in place for leaving this man or having him removed from the house. Sorry but addicts can become dangerous to live with if you interfere with them getting their fix; they may steal from you/the children or physically attack you until you agree to hand over money or valuables that can be sold.

TheNebulousBoojum Wed 03-Apr-13 16:26:15

He's got a problem, and he's being dishonest. For the moment, change the joint account so that you need both signatures to withdraw money.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:53:09

Spoke to him, turns out he only lost £120 of it, the rest was in his wallet still!! He couldn't give me any reason why he didn't tell me in the first place and why he didn't tell me he still had several hundred still in his wallet after I asked him about it! (I suspect he was saving the money to gamble at a later date angry )

I've got the cash now and will bank it tomorrow.

I am fuming, I know he's was being vague/dishonest and I'm not happy.
I have said he is never to go back there as I think he has a problem.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:03:49

I'm not happy with him gambling at all anymore, his own money or not is irrelevant imo. I dislike the dishonesty about this and I think he has a problem or why wouldn't he have been fully open about it in the first place.

I don't think we can do the separate accounts now, especially a I'm not working that wouldn't be fair!

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 22:12:26

You should have separate accounts.

With your name on the one his wages are paid into.

Gambling addiction can destroy a family so quickly.

You need to protect yourself and your children from him financially.

Don't even think about giving him access to your Dad's money.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:23:02

athing do you really think it would be reasonable for me to have his wage deposited in myaccount? That sounds controlling and unequal.

I think I will talk to him about having a chunk of savings in my own savings account only though, but if I do this then it sort if sends the message that his money is his to do what he wants with!?

I will have to have a think about it though as I don't trust him with money anymore as he has lied twice and is being vague. I have suspicions that he may have had a windfall a while ago and kept it from me and has been secretly gambling this, now that that money has gone he decided to withdraw some without telling me and that I how it all began.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:25:08

I really liked the system of having joint accounts for spendings and savings and then personal accounts for our own spending money. I think this is a fair adult system and I'm annoyed he has ruined it angry

This would massively destroy my trust to. Time for a change in how you manage money I think.

Three accounts- your account, his account, joint account.
Work out all your family finances - bills, food, holidays, presents etc. Be clear about how much everything costs and how all this money is accounted for.
When that is covered, its put into the joint account either 50/50 or percentage of income
What is left of both incomes goes 2 ways - your account, his account.
If its only him working while you are a SAHM/job hunting its his salary, minus expenses, remainder split 2 ways. If you are the only earner, the same.

You can do what the hell you like with what is in your account. If he so much as touches the money in joint acct for anything other than what it is listed and designated for, he will know he has overstepped the mark and is taking money from your children and really has a problem.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 22:37:58

Yes, I think having his wage paid into your account is the only way to go if you are married to a gambling addict.

Bollocks to controlling and unequal.

You need to protect your family from the devastation that can be wrought when a gambling addict has "equal" access to family money.

You think taking money without asking and hiding windfalls isn't controlling?

Think again.

Whatever happens you need to sever your financial ties now - it's too risky to have a joint account, it's too risky not to work, it's too risky for any of your assets to be things he can sell or borrow money against without your permission.

You can't trust him.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:47:05

Ok. I will open a savings account in ds name which only I have access to. The bulk of savings can go in there.

Set some strict ground rules for the joint spendings. Only for family purchases and we will go through the account transactions together to see where the money is going.

Then transfer the same percentage of all income into our personal accounts.

I haven't told him about my dads money as I know he will see that as making up for the money lost. I will put it in ds savings account once I've set it up.

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 22:50:08

I actually don't think the problem is gambling addiction.

I think the op isn't far wrong in her estimate, he's thought stuff it I can do what I like with it and replace it, I'm working she isn't now, she won't notice/care/be able to get annoyed.

I think the gambling is incidental this time.

Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone.

So its about respect and power differentials in the relationship IMO.

villagebird Wed 03-Apr-13 22:53:52

Feel for you reading this. Sounds like a right wanker. My advice to you is get 'your own' bank account just for you. Scrap the 'joint account'. He cant be trusted. Any joint outgoings put in a pot that YOU keep and hide. Wish you all the best.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:57:06

rhonda yes! Thank you! This is the main reason why I'm annoyed but previous posters didn't really mention this so I was thinking I was over reacting about that aspect and the gambling was the bigger issue.

Yes I think his attitude is disrespectful and undermining of my wages and my role as an earner for the family. He feels justified that he can take money as he will be able to pay it back (+more) as he earns more than me now angry

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:58:30

It makes me feel like I shouldn't have bothered working for those last few days as the money didn't count anyway!

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 22:59:25

It honestly doesn't sound like an addiction.

However I would still be doing what you suggest up there^^ about money. It sounds like a sensible way forwards to me.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 23:02:08

No, I mentioned the problem of his new found lack of respect for your financial position.

It's very telling.

"Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone."

Not necessarily. It sounds like his problem is still in the early stages.

But he's lying and stashing money for gambling. He has a problem.

NomNomDePlum Wed 03-Apr-13 23:03:46

i don't know if your dp has a gambling problem, but i do think that taking a quarter of your paycheck for nothing important without discussing it with you is out of order. i would be wary of being financially dependent on someone who would behave like this.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:07:03

He didn't tell you about the money he still had in his wallet straight away though, did he ?

He was stockpiling it for another gambling session

I am not sure what has come first here...the gambling addiction causing him to lose sight of what is right and wrong or a horribly entitled attitude in the first place

Whatever. I would not live with it, and neither should you. You seem intent on doing so, though sad

rhondajean Wed 03-Apr-13 23:09:55

He didn't lie as such though- just didn't mention it and he didn't try to cover his tracks.

I think nomnom has nailed the whole thing.

Inertia Wed 03-Apr-13 23:10:37

Both the gambling and the lack of respect are huge problems. You have every right to be upset, and it's very sensible of you to insist on a tight rein on family finances.

It might be wise to open an ISA and put the money from your dad straight into that .

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:11:34

That's a lie by omission

And he stole the money in the first place

I would consider it stealing when he takes family money that hasn't been agreed on to do such an utterly selfish thing

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 23:11:54

Yes and now I am financially dependent in him! Please god may I find a job soon.

Fortunately he should be okay with these changes. I have told him he has a gambling problem and have him links to some info about the psychology of gambling addiction. So I will tell him he has to go cold turkey and we need to cut off temptation. He can't gamble with his own personal money anymore either I have already said.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:13:23

Why are you financially dependent on him, love ?

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 03-Apr-13 23:14:33

You're not being unreasonable about the gambling... but you are being a bit irrational about wanting YOUR money to go into the savings account account. As you have a joint account, both your salaries end up in the same place and once its's in, it's just numbers on a screen! There's no need to get emotional about him not valuing your work. If you wanted an additional £380 to go into the savings account the month you finished work, and that's still possible, then you're getting what you wanted. So YABU in being upset about that.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 23:16:41

Christ, I must be the most unreasonable person in the world then, because I would take all the money out of the joint accounts and put it all in my name

and if this stupid man had any hope of staying with me, he wouldn't make a peep about it

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 03-Apr-13 23:20:55

Is it possible that he has justified this gambling episode to himself by the fact that it is the last month of 2 incomes until you get a job? Obviously that would be unreasonable of him but he is not necessarily going to gamble all your worldly goods away now that you are down to one income... hope you aren't jobless for too long though!

There's nothing irrational about wanting to keep the cash away from a gambler. Gamblers ruin lives - their own and other peoples. OP - in your shoes I would be horrified at the taking of the money when he KNOWS it should have been mutually agreed, as in the past, and I would be furious that he lost part but was keeping quiet about the rest.

TheCraicDealer Wed 03-Apr-13 23:41:29

Just remembered about a customer I used to serve when I got my first cashiering job. This man used to come in every day, regular as clockwork, to withdraw a crisp five pound note. There was a marker on his account so we couldn't process a withdrawal for more than that amount. When I asked the more senior teller what that was all about, she told me that he was a gambling addict. So bad that his family were able to be made power or attorney or something to get these restrictions added so he couldn't go mad with money he was supposed to be using to feed himself.

reneaa2 Wed 03-Apr-13 23:52:57

I am financially dependent on him as I lost my job.

We are in the process of moving and I can't really start looking for work seriously until we have settled.

My only 'income" now is my dad gifts me lump sums of money, I will be holding on to these myself from now on.

I know that money once in an account just becomes a whole amount and it is a bit irrational to separate it, but I liked to think that my contributions were valued.

a little worried that you're moving - are you moving to a better area for you?

oh, and I wouldn't necessarily lock hte cash into an account for DC's - you may need access to it.

differentnameforthis Fri 05-Apr-13 03:32:47

Because if he really had an addiction, he wouldn't walk out of the bookies with several hundred pounds left for later, he would stay there till every penny was gone

I thought that too, having some left over is odd behaviour. But then again, I am hmm at him withdrawing 380. Dunno why, but it doesn't sit right...why not a round 400? Makes me wonder if he had debts to pay off rather than intending to gamble it. It is just a very specific amount, I guess.

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