to feel sad my husband wants porn and not me?

(38 Posts)
higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 21:42:30

I've name changed for this one. I'm posting on here as I couldn't face talking to friends about this.

I have just found my husband's laptop open on a porn site. He has an account with credit card payment details and the history says he's been looking at this stuff for the entire time we have been together. Even the honeymoon period.

He has little or no sex drive with me and it's something we've had big talks and tears over in the past.

I don't know what to think. Is he just not attracted to me? Is he having an affair? He has a bank account I don't have access to and travels frequently for work.

Or is this just something he uses to masturbate with? If he has the urge why don't we have more of a sex life? I know I should be asking him all this and I will but for tonight he is asleep (sleepless night with one of the children last night) and I just feel so sad.

McNewPants2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:53:55

You do need to talk about it, there could be many reasons he likes and enjoys porn.

ecclesvet Tue 02-Apr-13 21:55:51

Has his sex drive always been so low through the whole relationship? Has he given reasons for it in your talks?

No-one here can tell you why he has a low sex drive, although some people will be very certain that it is entirely to do with the porn. As you already know, the answers you want will come from him or maybe his GP.

thebody Tue 02-Apr-13 21:56:15

So very sorry op but I don't think porn is the main issue here.

You need to talk xxx

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 21:58:10

It's not really that I mind that he watches it from time to time. More that he has kept it a secret from me and that we have an almost non existent sex life.

Maggie111 Tue 02-Apr-13 22:06:31

You need to see a counsellor. I don't see any harm in men watching porn - it is not right that he has a low sex drive with you and this will continue to cause self esteem issues.

You need to talk it out and be open about it. If I were you I would contact Relate.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:07:19

His sex drive hasn't always been this bad. It was good for the first couple of years but disappeared almost completely after our second child.

He hasn't given me many answers as to why - feeling tired, laziness, and just not feeling like it because we hadn't for so long.

Discovering tonight that he's been using porn, I can see he has been feeling like sex, but not with me obviously. Feel a bit rejected.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:09:14

What do you think is the main issue thebody

thebody Tue 02-Apr-13 22:22:25

Oh I don't know op of course as its your marriage but I think the loss of sex drive and your obvious unhappiness with this should prompt him to get some help.

Perhaps he thinks porn will help him with this?

I hope you can talk about this to him.

ecclesvet Tue 02-Apr-13 22:25:52

Wanting to masturbate to porn is not the same urge as wanting to have sex with your spouse. Similar, overlapping, sure. But not the same.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:31:58

He doesn't really open up or if he does it takes a whole day of screaming at each other and lots of tears before he will get to the point where he might open up a little.

Just coming to the realisation we have a really crap relationship. Funny, everyone around us thinks we're so happy and I think I've been fooling myself for a long time too.

ArtVandelay Tue 02-Apr-13 22:39:32

YANBU I'm not surprised this makes you feel rejected and upset.

Also, id be very interested to find out what he is looking at because with so much free content available on the internet, why in the heck is he paying for it? If its 'special' porn and therefore niche or particularly obscene I would be wanting to have a serious chat or even be just packing his bags.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:45:10

Mainly anal sex. Something we've never done and he has never asked. I don't want to either, not my thing.

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 22:46:02

For starters I'd be concerned about him actually paying, there's tons of free stuff out there.

Do you have money at your disposal? What's he getting up to when he's away?

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 22:47:01

Plenty free anal porn. What was the name of the site?

Hadagutsful Tue 02-Apr-13 22:50:32

Yy to what ecclesvet said. I found out that my DH uses porn occasionally. We talked (not easy) but I learned a lot about the male psyche (who knew? wink) and about my DH - after 13 years together I thought I knew it all but I was wrong.

This could even help your sex life, if you can find a way to talk about it.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:50:58

Well if write that here and he sees this ... I'd rather not.

The fact he's paying for the website doesn't bother me. More upset he's kept this from me, and our sex life is so dire.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:52:12

hadagutsful was / is your sex life good?

I don't think I would really mind if ours was good.

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 22:52:45

But there's really no need to be paying is what I'm saying. Makes me wonder why.

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:55:33

I don't really know why he's paying for the site. The strap line for the site is that it's the "highest quality on the web". Maybe he didn't want to trawl through loads of stuff to find what he wanted, who knows.

Wondering where/how he's been watching however as he has only had the laptop for a few months.

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 22:57:32

So it sounds more like a serious habit rather than watching the occasional clip.

He could be watching on his phone or tablet?

Hadagutsful Tue 02-Apr-13 23:00:03

Our sex life was average, I guess, higherground. We have young DC so energy/opportunity was the problem.

After I made the discovery I felt very hurt, like you, but I determined not to brush it under the carpet so although it was an uncomfortable conversation (for him!) we went through the why/when/what questions. We're now both more comfortable with talking about what we want which has made vast improvements.

I know he still uses it but now I don't mind. I would mind if I felt our sex life was suffering as a result.

Hadagutsful Tue 02-Apr-13 23:01:48

He might feel safer paying for it as often the free stuff is riddled with viruses (of the computer kind!), isn't it?

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 23:04:08

We have young DC too and similarly opportunity and energy levels aren't really there.

Problem is with us it's maybe twice a year since having our second child. If that. Dire ... and he never tries or seems interested.

Hadagutsful Tue 02-Apr-13 23:17:08

I would second giving Relate a try. I would tell him calmly that you know about the site and that you'd like to talk about it. Try not to fixate on feeling abandoned or "not good enough". My DH explained that it's a different thing, more of a biomechanical thing iyswim!

higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 23:24:40

I have often thought about counselling but wondered how we would find the time to commit to a weekly appointment when we can't seem to find time for the most basic things like having the car MOT'd.

Thanks for suggesting Relate. I see on the website they do telephone sessions - we could do that!

Thanks for helping.

MansView Wed 03-Apr-13 12:30:48

he needs help imo - as it sounds like he's addicted...if a bloke goes into a new relationship and prefers porn to the real thing (which it sounds like he does hence the low sex drive as he'll be cracking one off to these sites by the sounds of it) then that's not a good sign, is it?

Simontowers1 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:39:21

Porn and rl sex totally different OP so wouldn't take it too much to heart. I don't know a man who doesn't use porn.
I think the thing is, after the first couple of years, sex with partner becomes quite predictable - it is basically like going into the same restaurant night after night and, though he menu may vary, there is a major element of familiarity about the whole thing.
So men turn to porn for that bit of variety. In all honesty, if he wasn't looking at porn I bet your sex life wouldn't be any better.

Hadagutsful Wed 03-Apr-13 19:09:14

Good luck higherground. smile

OhLori Wed 03-Apr-13 19:50:04

Sorry to hear this OP. I think the answer is in your question though - he wants porn, not you. Let him have what he wants and get the hell out of there. (By the way, I think men who are obsessed with this kind of porn are really weird.)

phantomnamechanger Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:04

Been there, had the feelings of hurt & rejection etc.

Had the tearful heart to hearts. It was hard learning to trust DH again, but you can mend this if you BOTH want to - you need to sit down when you have the time to talk and ask him about it - any attempt at lie/cover up/excuse/refusing to accept how hurt and betrayed you feel is not a good thing.
Ignore any posters who say porn is normal and you need to lighten up - YOU know your DH - YOU are totally floored by this - what anyone else thinks normal/acceptable in their relationship is irrelevant -he has to accept responsibility and make repairs - or it's over.

starfield Wed 03-Apr-13 20:31:11

Have no words of wisdom, just wanted to say I'm so very, very sorry for what you're going through. I haven't experienced it on anything like that scale, but I do remember finding some magazines in a previous relationship and feeling gutted. His reaction was very frank and it might be worth repeating here because it was reassuring (not welcome, but not as bad as I'd thought).

He said using porn wasn't anything to do with his feelings towards me. He'd just felt lustful and wanted a quick release. (Whereas in a sexual encounter with someone he loved, he would need to engage his feelings, which he couldn't be assed to do). And the women's bodies were just bodies - there was no emotional component to it (which can be hard for a female mind to take in sometimes!).

But that explanation doesn't work well as you're already feeling sexually rejected. The pain must be devastating. I really am so sorry.

higherground Fri 05-Apr-13 02:12:03

My feelings on porn - I don't honestly mind him using it from time to time.

If he's using every night however and we don't have a sex life, it's a massive huge problem. I think he is using it every night. He is a liar - his first response is to lie if he thinks he can get away with it. A bit like a small child. I hate that he does that, it makes it almost pointless trying to talk t him.

higherground Fri 05-Apr-13 02:21:22

We talked for about an hour yesterday. He says he uses it because it's 'easier', as in no real effort involved for him. He did try to lie and say it was only once but I showed him his site history. He says he's sorry and all the rest of it and agreed to counselling. I asked him to arrange this otherwise I feel like it's me whose the only one trying to fix things. I was crying, told him how it made me feel. That I look nothing like the girls on the website and how after having children I need the man I love to tell me my body is still beautiful and make me feel like an attractive woman. He promised faithfully to book the appointment with the counsellor the next day.

He didn't book the appointment and lied about trying but the line was busy. I have thrown him out of the house tonight. I can't do this anymore. He doesn't seem to care that I tell him we are in danger of separating. He thinks he can just carry on as normal, do nothing, and we'll be fine. But we won't be fine. This isn't going to go away. I feel sick.

b4bunnies Fri 05-Apr-13 03:34:16

i am so sorry. have hugs. its such a sad situation.

i know a couple where the man has a low sex drive. his wife is beautiful, desirable (i'd guess - she's lovely) and you'd think he'd be crazy for her, but apparently not. it is so hurtful.

perhaps for your oh the porn is easy because there is no need for troublesome personal interactions - that he's cutting down on the things he might get wrong or perhaps doesn't need in his own life. some people are very self-contained.

that doesn't mean this life is going to be enough for you. not being desired undermines your self-confidence unless you have a lot of compensations and other kinds of affirmation.

more hugs. life is flipping hard.

Leavenheath Fri 05-Apr-13 04:32:03

Have I wandered into a parallel universe and did some of the above responses to the OP really get written? shock

Men's psyches are different?
There's good free porn so why is he paying?
There's no man alive who doesn't watch porn?
It's okay for men to use women 'just as bodies' and it means nothing?

Good decision OP. Though lord alone knows you didn't need this particular thread to reach it hmm

ArtVandelay Fri 05-Apr-13 08:17:37

Higher, I just caught up with this. Well done for having such strong boundaries and beliefs. It sounds like a sad situation but you are being true to yourself and frankly, I totally agree with you.

ParadiseChick Fri 05-Apr-13 08:17:43

Leaven I mentioned the free sites as a point of concern. As in how into this porn is he given he's chosen to sign up and pay when there's a heap of free sites he could use.

Good luck op.

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