to resign myself to never ever meeting a naice man again...

(60 Posts)
drfayray Tue 02-Apr-13 13:32:46

I have been single for nearly two years. Ex twunt left after 24 years of marriage. I worked on recovery, etc etc and felt it was time to you know...dip the proverbial toe in the murky depths of dating. I joined RSVP, a big dating site here in Australia. WELL...I am currently writing up about all the crazee fuckwitts I encountered. I got rather tired of blokes sending me pix of their dicks, young kids! telling me they want to wank on my face and 76 year olds telling me they didn't need Viagra...

So I went offline for a bit. I met this guy (the WolfMan) and we had a thing for about 4 months but he had mental health issues and I suspect Asperger's too and I ended it. We are still friends though.

Then last week I decided that I should give online dating another go. A chappie called Neil contacted me reminding me that we had emailed before and that he had been quite disappointed when I disappeared. So we met for coffee yesterday.

When I was waiting for him, I felt this huge wave of something flood over me. I knew that he would not be suitable. I knew that I couldn't do this whole dating thing; putting myself out there for men whom I shouldn't even consider. Neil was a nice guy but not my type.

I am 51 but do not look my age (see my pix for proof of this!). I am clever, attractive, friendly, etc etc and yet I do not seem to attract men. Men in my age range (45-55) seem to want young girls. They consider women in the 48+ range to be 'boilers' or old chooks. I cannot describe how offensive I found this; one of the so-called dates told me this.

I have a good life filled with friends and my children. I do activities like Tango, run etc etc so it is not like I am stuck inside. But I am just not meeting any decent men.

So AIBU to resign myself to being single from now on?

DolomitesDonkey Tue 02-Apr-13 13:39:30

YABU to think that internet dating is all there is to dating.

1. Congratulations on leaving your husband - sounds like it was probably a very hard decision to make - especially after half a lifetime together. Bloody well done you! x

2. There are lots and lots and lots of lovely men out there and I honestly believe that you only start tripping over them when you've found total peace within yourself. They might come in a bit of a kooky physical package and they might have funny little quirks - but fuck it, we all do - especially once we've waved 25 goodbye quite a while ago.

Try dating with your eyes closed, a handsome prick is just a prick with your eyes closed.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 13:51:00

Of course all men want the prettiest, youngest woman they can find. Internet dating allows them to at least chance their arm. The reason they're on internet dating is because they can't meet anybody in real life. And it's easier for men. They just have to ask enough times. Women would be seen as desperate behaving like this. Men would be seen as outgoing and charming and lonely before desperate.

If any man MY age told me I was too old for him I would look at his fat belly, and the top of his head for a moment too long and then I would sincerely wish him good luck with women younger than himself and excuse myself with a sigh of relief. Honestly, if somebody lets you know sooner rather than later that they are a complete tosser then that's time saved.

I want somebody who is decent and good company. I don't mind if he's a bit short or a bit fat or a bit bald. So long as he doesn't think that he's too good for me!!

The threads about internet dating terrify me.

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 13:51:21

Hmm, i'm beginning to think YANBU because i'm only 36 & can't find a decent single man either!

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 13:54:34

Hmm... Well, I have seen this thread in many forms over recent years, all saying the same thing, and I posted one myself once (which I got flamed for, for "punching above my weight" hmm). I've name-changed since.

I honestly think once you get to 50, the pool of available men shrinks dramatically, particularly with internet dating. There maybe a few gems, but really its a case of a needle in a haystack tbh, and are you prepared to put in the huge legwork involved? Only you can answer that. The fact is, at least in the internet world, there are lots of women in their 30s and 40s who would be interested in an eligible 50 year old man.

Often in these threads, someone says they or their best friend met their husband on these websites, but I would bet my brand new vacuum cleaner they are under 50!

I have had that awful feeling you describe sitting waiting for "Neil", i.e. putting yourself "out there" for men that you should not even consider. I wouldn't rule out doing it again, but feel a lot happier without the depressing saga of internet dating ...

But being older and wiser has other, maybe greater rewards ...

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 13:55:43

I haven't tried internet dating yet because firstly i've been ill for 4 years on & off, but secondly because my younger sister is trying it and it's knocking her confidence tbh.

However i do know women (inc. a 50 yr old) who have married through internet dating - to very nice men.

I recommend joining Facebook if you haven't already - some old work colleagues / classmates could be around & could be worth getting to know - they may be male & nice themselves or know some decent single men.

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29.

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 13:57:20

And, yes Latara, it starts early on internet dating, even 36, unless you are an attractive, well-off woman and live a privileged and social life to meet lots of eligible men. Real life is a better bet.

There are exceptions. But they prove the rule

BenderLovableRobot Tue 02-Apr-13 14:02:54

You know what I've come to realise that there are no perfect men out there. Just like there are no perfect women.

We have to stop expecting the man we want to end up with being perfect. I don't mean lowering your standards - I mean accepting that someone may have flaws but you should accept them if they have more good points about them.

BenderLovableRobot Tue 02-Apr-13 14:04:32

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29

Great. What a lovely sentiment that it.

<hands a gun to anyone over the age of 30>

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:21

From the description of the response she's had, I don't think the OP was exactly demanding perfection ...

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:45

<takes gun> sadly that's true of certain shallow men i've met.

But i do know women who are married to men 5 - 10 years younger, so there are a lot of exceptions.

Ignore me, i'm just depressed about it all because i'm attending a Baby Shower later tonight sad

drfayray Tue 02-Apr-13 14:09:41

Thanks for the posts. I am a prolific Facebooker grin...

I do stuff. I go dancing and do meet a fair number of people, including men but they are not interested in me or if they are, I am not interested in them. TBH, not that many are interested in me sad...

I am not fussy. Looks do not matter to me. Intelligence and humour are what get me...every single time. If someone is overweight or bald etc etc I am not put off by that.. I do like them to have their own teeth though...And tall as I am tall too but again, not that fussed. It is the person that matters to me.

I have had young men approach me...27 year old in particular. But they just want sex. I want a relationship. I am not interested in bonking men that are so young! Flattering though it may be.

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 14:10:00

The OP is just looking for a man that is nice with whom there is some chemistry i would think; that's all i'd like too.

Not many people expect perfection unless they are shallow - but it's not too much to ask for a man who is a nice person, clean, smart & pleasant.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 14:28:39

A presentable decent man who is as good company as your female friends? Yes, I think it is too much to ask unfortunately. I'm in my early forties and intellectually, taking a look at the world around me and knowing what men are like, what men want I think yes it is too much to ask. Sorry if that depresses you, it depresses me too. I will have about 35 years of being a single person ahead of me, as I'm healthy and fit and plan to live a long and happy life. I will be happy despite being single. But it's kind of a shame. Oh well.

MansView Wed 03-Apr-13 12:43:32

I've done my fair share of internet dating - and I find that a lot of women's standards are far to high...

cuteboots Wed 03-Apr-13 12:57:12

just had to join in on this one . I also have resigned myself to the fact that I just set myself up to meet Twats! Ive done the odd bit of internet dating but this was also not for me . Yes I do have high standards but why would you put up with second best. I also have my son to think about as well so if and when he appears hes going to have a tough job on his hands ! hee hee hee

Loulybelle Wed 03-Apr-13 13:01:38

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29

Well im royally fucked soon, 30 in 4 months time, shoot me now.

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 13:02:34

mansview. not true. i dont care about height. or wealth. any man who is even an inch taller than me is "tall" :-p truth is, men my age are going to be looking over my shoulder at a 25 year old standing behind me. ive had a lit of time to think about this and i want a man who is good company and decent. are you telli.g me my standards are too high?!

YouTheCat Wed 03-Apr-13 13:07:34

You'll find someone somewhere when you least expect it.

And this is coming from a 40+ large, short woman who left her husband 3 years ago and happened upon a rather lovely man 10 years younger than me.

We did meet on the internet but through mutual interests rather than dating. I had looked at dating sites and they seemed full of married men and blokes who just wanted to shag a porn actress.

If I look that good at your age I'll be doing cartwheels, single or not grin

Internet dating just means a higher frog:prince ratio but it can happen. Try and meet people another way too maybe? And just enjoy yourself in general smile

Owllady Wed 03-Apr-13 13:12:23

you know it's not just nowadays and internet dating, pre interbnet there were lonely hearts ads, of which my poor sister took part in. She went ona first blind date with someone in sainbury's cafe and he asked her if she would like to take it up the rear entrance within the first ten minutes of meeting
she gave up after that

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 13:46:13

PMSL at Owllady !! If someone said that to me i'd probably choke on my coffee (with laughing!)

Seriously similar things have happened to me & my sister on dates... when i was in my 20s i had some very dodgy dates!!

There was the guy who'd taken E before our date..

the guy who insisted on 'meeting his dealer' before we went out for the evening...

the lad who got drunk & stripped naked as a dare from his MUM...

the one who suggested watching a DVD & it turned out to be very bad porn...

the one who was banned for drink driving (the 2nd time).. the one who was stalking his ex...

the one who said he didn't fancy me then asked me for sex (how nice)...

And lots more.

PS. Louly sorry about the 'men prefer women under 29' comment, i was feeling a bit down yesterday that's all.

Lockedout434 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:49:13

My friends mum was in your position and went on a solo holidays and dare I say a saga holiday. She met people there and had a nice holiday. The last bloke she is still with after 4 years they go off on holidays and have fun times together my mate was so happy for her.
Clubs as well bridge is a hive of over 40 match making according to the smiles and flushed cheeks of my mum and her mates.

Good luck

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 13:57:54

One of my colleagues is 49 - she is married but has had a good social life from the local Rotary & Round Table organisations; i'm sure not everyone there is coupled up.

Also one friend in her 40s goes Kayaking, rambling (hill-walking) and has met men through those hobbies.

Loulybelle Wed 03-Apr-13 14:06:44

Latara, dont worry about it, been single 4 years now, unlikely to change anytime soon, coz i just cant be arsed to date.

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 14:12:33

I must admit that i cba'd to date for a long time as well.

I used to find dating worse than visiting the dentist; but i'm more confident now & enjoyed my last date (a year ago!).

I just need to get out there and start dating again when i'm ready to.

MansView Wed 03-Apr-13 14:16:07

RE: mansview. not true. i dont care about height. or wealth. any man who is even an inch taller than me is "tall" :-p truth is, men my age are going to be looking over my shoulder at a 25 year old standing behind me. ive had a lit of time to think about this and i want a man who is good company and decent. are you telli.g me my standards are too high?!

well, maybe you're not included as lots of women... smile

but on POF - the decent women don't want to know, and I only get replies / messages from the ones I'd only perhaps consider after a skinful... sad

I live in a rural place and my choice (locally) whilst going out is limited to practially zero... sad

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 14:21:01

Mansview i'm not sure that POF is a dating site i'd recommend from the experiences of my sister & friends; they say that to get good dates you have to join a site that you pay for (that hopefully discourages the non-serious types).

Also; Rural places are lovely but not good for meeting people. I moved from a small rural town to a larger town for that reason and have made more friends that way.

YouTheCat Wed 03-Apr-13 14:24:57

Maybe you should stop judging so much on appearance and give some people a chance?

Unless you're some kind of Adonis, you are not going to get a super model making eyes at you on POF.

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 14:33:47

so manview is there a code i can put in to my profile that spells it out to the right guyys that i want a decent sane good humoured clever clean sporty ish man who wants a ltr with the right woman . how do u communicate this without coming accross all prudey. actually scrap that. dont care if some perve after sex chat thinks im a prude :-p
or is my list too long there now do you think!? too many requests? is it like a puzza, two toppings. three is pushing it you demanding high maintenance chancer

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 14:36:19

ps maleview. what's a dent woman? im 42 slim attractive well dressed sporty normal kind blah blah but does the 42 part instantly take me out of the "decent woman" column

drfayray Wed 03-Apr-13 16:50:42

Ooh more posts!
I got a text from the chappie saying that he had a very good time and would like to see me again. I thanked him for the msg and said that no, I didn't want to see him again and good luck.
I deleted my profile.
I posted similar in my FB page and a fair few women replied that they too had given up.
I have a lot to offer. A male friend said I was fabulous grin he was taken unfortunately grin

I am single but not lonely. My children are fabulous too ... See my pix as I am so proud of them. We have come thru a hard time thanks to the twunt ex. DS will be leaving for uni next year so I want to enjoy the 3 of us this year. Men get in the way.

Ah well... My life is good. I dance a lot which lifts my spirits.

And I am not fussy but I have standards. Why can't I have someone like me?

I will not settle...
One twunt is enough thank ye vair muchhmm

Mugofteaforme Wed 03-Apr-13 19:13:02

Ye Gods POF is a nightmare!

Me thinks that LoveandFriends might be a good bet, else looking approachable in your local Marks and Sparks can pay dividends (avoid the discount section), but whatever lots of luck smile

Mr MOT

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 19:37:34

maleview sorry to pick on you here, but when you talk about messages from women you'd only consider after a skinful shock you can't be telling us our standards are too high. With men, It's mORE about appearance isn't it. It doesn't matter how funny, warm, good humoured etc etc a woman is, if a man doesn't fancy her when he first sets eyes on her, she won't grow on him, but men grow on women all the time. Some of the men I've had the strongest feelings for over the years, I couldn't even remember the first time I saw them they made that little impression on me. I like 'growers' though. But i never meet people, so nobody ever grows on me. the world is now divided into total strangers and people i know who are all taken.

villagebird Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:36

Arr you sound like a nice lady. I left my drunken dh 1 year ago and have been single ever since. Except for 1 month fling with guy that owns salon I go too who ended up being a complete nob. I dont go out much due not that much money. But for some reason I would NEVER use a dating site. I think they mostly (not all) consist of people who are 'not quite right'. I think its best to try and meet someone face to face ie out and about. Also dont look for it to happen. Let it happen naturally. Says the loner stuck in doors lol. I just hate the thought of meeting someone from a dating site. Sooooo wrong

villagebird Wed 03-Apr-13 20:06:31

Oh just one thing to add. I went 'on the off chance' to my local Waitrose to get few bits one evening about 7pm. Well. never seen so many nice blokes wandering around with their baskets on their own !

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:27

I can believe that, that if you threw a satsuma around waitrose you'd have a better chance of meeting somebody nice. But you see somebody nice in waitrose, you might smile, they might smile........... one friendly comment, one jokey reply, and then {puff} of smoke and they're gone.

dayshiftdoris Wed 03-Apr-13 20:23:53

I joined POF after my friend met someone on there and encouraged me to do the same...

1 search later and my matches were her ex, another friends ex and a man named Peter who liked sandwiches.

And that ladies and gentlemen is why i have been single (apart from one fling) for 10 years at the age of 34!!!

LittleTyga Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:36

May I offer a ray of hope?

My partner was killed in a road accident when I was pregnant with dd2. She is now nearly 8 - I'm late 40's and have met a lovely, kind, considerate, funny single dad.

I was not looking for a man though - we became friends through our children and soon realised there was a spark there. I had been single for 7 years and thought I had had sex for the last time, without knowing it at the time! Was quite a galling thought!

Don't give up. There are good men out there!

MansView Thu 04-Apr-13 13:37:00

I'm only joking ladies smile

tho, POF, well, I've had mixed results on there - I've met people who I wouldn't of normally met...but chemistry is the thing (I'm 42 btw), and you have to meet up with people ime - a lot of people just seem to want to chat... sad

plus if you think about the name of the site - plenty of fish...seems to treat people like a commodity (easy come, easy go...), you talk to one person one day, and the next day they aren't interested...

I do see myself as being fairly handsome - but I'm a bit shy, and don't smile enough haha..!

Latara Thu 04-Apr-13 13:56:44

MansView try eg. Match.com if you are serious about internet dating as i know friends who've had good relationships from that site & similar sites that you have to pay for.

Chemistry is good but can be a 'red herring' - if your personalities don't gel during the date then having chemistry together isn't going to make a relationship.

Do you live within 30 miles or so (ie half hour drive) of a larger town? If so, it's worth going there more often for drinks or even supermarket shopping, or to join a gym - there will be more women around than in the rural area. smile

drfayray Thu 04-Apr-13 14:14:42

Put your pix up MansView...let's have a gander at you...I have some pix of myself up on here. Let us judge your looks, eh? grin

I have had another request to meet from another bloke chappie who also remembered me from 18 months ago. That is flattering I guess...

He emailed me tonight to ask if we could meet sometime next week. He lives in the Gold Coast; I am in Brisbane. This one was a leetle bit more promising in that he is 4 years older than I am, was a barrister and then taught English in Japan and is now taking a break doing hikes in the National Parks....But I dunno...it all seems like so much hard work..the anticipation, then the meet..then the disappointment...Heavy sigh..He is tall though. And seems to have a spine unlike the last bloke...his pix are ok although I am slightly concerned about the metal fan type hair...

He writes well enough...

What do I do? I have not replied yet...in fact am not going to until maybe Sunday as I am rather busy at the mo...

Should I meet him...this is the last one from teh innernez. My profile is gone for good.

LittleTyga Thu 04-Apr-13 14:29:33

Go! What have you got to lose? You might make a good friend - or he might not be the one but you've had a day out and experienced something different.

Latara Thu 04-Apr-13 14:52:33

drfayray definitley meet up, like LittleTyga says there's nothing to lose and he could know other single men (if he's not for you).

I'd forgotten you are in Aussie; the weather must be lovely and hot too!

hairtearing Thu 04-Apr-13 15:13:02

Internet dating I think has it purposes for certain people , even young people. I met my my hubby online, in my case I looked like a bulldog chewing wasps, was overweight and due to that was paralyzed with fear around people and was too shy to talk to anyone *especially boys hides.

you can plan what you say etc, plus the world is less 'community' based i.e the days when everyone knew everyone, a village raised a child are over and people are more insular and busy.

Put ime the first comment I sent my hubby was something like 'ooh you're from my neck of the woods etc' on a pic more chatty, rather than
'yeah baby inbox me' although women don't generally do that more men,
maybe its a technique you could try grin

Its possibly different when you're older,

MansView Thu 04-Apr-13 15:36:14

yeah, I'm from the city (and work there) - but live the rural life (apart from the lack of woman haha) and I go to an exercise class on a friday - as well as the gym a few times a week...

I did get talking to a woman at the class but to be honest I didn't have a clue on if she was being friendly or flirting..! but that seems to have tailed off a bit now anyway... sad

DolomitesDonkey Thu 04-Apr-13 15:39:36

hairtearing You've described me. wink When we got married our registrar told us more than half the weddings she did were "internet marriages".

hairtearing Thu 04-Apr-13 16:22:09

Yeah, Its funny ten years ago internet relationships were seen as a little 'wierd' for 'wierd' people and aren't long lasting.

there's always a part of me that wonders would I have been alone forever had it not been for the net,. And its does feel that bit less 'valid' to have spoke first online.

SanctiMOMious Thu 04-Apr-13 19:13:28

You seem sane and not a pervert, you're the cream of the crop.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Thu 04-Apr-13 19:41:51

Two of my close friends met nice, respectable men at 49. All had recently come out of divorces. I was single in my twenties for ages. I think a drought is a drought. When some aquaintences meet/marry/have babies after 5 minutes of divorce, I do wonder how (iykwim).

MimiSunshine Thu 04-Apr-13 20:13:18

I think the issues with Internet dating are true at any age. The online shopping aspect allows people to be pickier than they would be in real life.
I've tried it a couple of times over the years, first time was match and I found all the blokes on their too old for me (I was early / mid 20s) and I honestly wanted to let them know they were the same age as my dad.

After a couple of years single I tried it again with POF, didn't get any of the scary / pervy messages that I know some people do, but I did turn one bloke down who didn't meet all 3 of my 'critical' criteria blush who I then randomly met him IRL and realised I was an idiot and shouldn't be so picky.
However I went on one date thankfully with a lovely bloke and we've been together ever since. grin

So like all relationships I think it's all about timing and being in the right mind frame to meet someone.

MimiSunshine Thu 04-Apr-13 20:20:50

Oh and my top two tips (coz clearly I'm an expert wink ) is:
Don't write war and peace on your profile, even if its site with a million boxes to fill in. You wouldn't hand so eone a personal manifesto if you met them in a bar. Just keep it short and snappy.

Don't get in to long email chats over a period of weeks, you'll build them up in your mind in to someone they're probably not.
Exchange a few to decide if they seem normal and then arrange to meet. See if you click and either move on or carry on.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 09:53:12

Can anybody help me think of a screen name that conveys already before I even create a profile that I'm normal, independent, not the type to provide free sexual services etc... I'm hoping that when I get going, my profile and user name just won't appeal to a pervy type.

MansView Fri 05-Apr-13 15:16:58

VirginOnTheRidiculous ?

YouTheCat Fri 05-Apr-13 15:31:46

I did suggest 'TakeYourHandOffMyLeg' or something similar earlier. grin

drfayray Fri 05-Apr-13 15:32:57

grin MansView...vair norti!

Mine was bachatababe..because I was really into Bachata (a dance style) and uh..I am a babe? The one before was this one; drfayray...Dr cos I am one; and fay ray which is the name of the female Weimaraner model dog that my fav artist William Wegman had. Not fay wray as some think...

And I sent an email to that bloke to say that yes I would like to meet him next week. This is the last one. I feel that I should as otherwise I would just wonder....

I am not expecting much.

I have suggested going to the West End; a cool suburb in Brisbane that I am familiar with and know a number of people who work and live there...

I will report back...

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 19:04:49

no no! loads of pervs would get all excited by that name!!

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 19:06:24

and also, I think 'takeyourhandoffmyleg' is very funny! Not sure I'd use that one but it's funny.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 19:08:25

DrFrayFray, good screen name! I'd like 'don'tcallmebaby'. (Australian group if i remember rightly! loved that song)

drfayray Sat 06-Apr-13 00:23:41

Well, the guy chickened out. After I said ok I will meet him, he sent me a reply to say that he had thought things over and felt we were in different places ... Uh he has no idea about my life or the place I am at!
grin ah well. I replied saying that was rather rude and presumptuous of him to assume anything about my life.

My instincts were correct. Online dating is not for me.
I had a brilliant evening last night- dinner with a girlfriend then dancing Tango almost non- stop to the best music. And catching up with people who were so pleased to see me smile

I have a busy interesting life filled with great people. I need to appreciate that.

Men? Am I bothered? Nah ...gringringrin

Good luck with the name wink

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