to go on sex strike til he helps put baby to bed(85 Posts)
Baby is 7 months and breastfed and co-sleeping. I used to settle her in my bed then join her later but the past couple of months this hasn't been working and she's woken within 10-30 mins (usually ten) of me leaving her despite having laid there with her for over an hour first. The evening goes now that she sleeps on my lap downstairs from 8-10ish, I take her to bed and feed/ lay with her then try and get away to go see DH for some 'action.' I use the internet on my phone to stay awake (like now) despite being very tired and try for up to 2 hours to go and see DH, usually disturbing poor DD several times and failing to get away anyway. Or if I do, DH is so conscious of the potential for DD to wake that it's over in 5 mins and does absolutely nothing for me. He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo
Posted too soon, sorry!
Responsiblity to facilitate our sex life and sort baby while he sleeps. I'm fed up of baby having disturbed sleep and me being
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YANBU. He needs to help out so that you can sleep. You will probably feel sexier and more loving/closer if you are less tired because of his help - so everyone can win.
Argh, and again - bloody phone!
Tired while he does nothing to help the situation. AIBU to say I'm going to bed with DD and staying there until he decides to help? I've tried settling her other ways but she just expects boobs from me, though settles easily for him during the day
Really for you, OP. Have you tried talking to him about it? Could you show him what you just wrote on this thread?
I was going to say YANBU, but YAB sooooooo U!!
First sex isn't your 'job' so striking should never come up in the equation really.
Secondly, is your DH demanding you leave your sleeping baby for sex or are you coming downstairs to please him because you know he's horny? It does matter which it is, it REALLY matters.
However, something has got to give, and right now that probably is the quicky sessions you're having, it's all very for your DH to have an opinion on what to do but it doesn't sound like he's up for finding a solution and making it work, probably because you're allowing him to empty his sack - he doesn't know what horny is, he's just a bit full and needs to empty and well, why use a hand if there's a better alternative.
I AM being harsh. You have a baby that's not settling 'brilliantly', your DH isn't offering any practical help, you're not going to go on sex strike princess you're going to accept that you simply haven't got time and he'll have to go horny unless he's going to be part of the solution, he is becoming a problem.
I think you should be concentrating on what your actual baby needs
and ignoring what the man-baby wants
unless you are equally desperate for the shit sex too ?
in which case, carry on as you are
I want to have sex, its just I want his help with baby to get there. He knows I'm knackered but just keeps pitying himself for the lack of sex
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Is this every night?
Do you get sleep on the nights you just stay with DD?
Just picking up from your posts that your DH might be expecting sex every night, which us unreasonable of him, but a "strike" will probably be less effective than talking to him about how all this is making you feel.
And no princess YWNBU to just go to bed, stay in bed, have a decent sleep... he will eventually follow at some point after a while, find he has no room, and perhaps be open to some kind of negotiation.
tell him how it is and explain that if he wants sex you need to find a solution between the two of you that enables you to be less tired and more horny or him to be more tired and less horny.
Your husband is being pathetically selfish. Is he like this in every aspect of your life? You are feeding his child. I am not sure there are any other words to say what is going on more succintly.
YOU are feeding your baby. He is acting like your other child, one that needs attention from mummy or it will have a bit of a tantrum. Maybe he needs a newsflash? He's an adult. Whilst your baby is still, in fact, a baby, you will be attending to her needs and feeding her. He can quite simply, fuck off.
If time away as a couple is needed then call upon friends or family but for gods sake do NOT do it because the man child is chucking his toys out of the pram because his needs are not being met. What a tool.
There are many, many things wrong with your post. I'll try to respond in order of priority.
Firstly, let's talk about your and your DH.
Do you actually want this sex, or are you just having it to keep him happy? Is this daily?
Does he take on any of the parental responsibility beyond settling baby at night? Does he change nappies, bath her etc?
Because from your posts, he sounds like a selfish arse. He sleeps on the sofa while you struggle to get baby to sleep, just to he can spend 5 minutes getting his leg over without worrying about your satisfaction. It's all about him him him. When you have more time, does he care about your sexual satisfaction?
Is he aware that no-one has ever died from a lack of sex?
I would suggest that you do indeed go on a sex strike, not until he puts baby to sleep, but until he shows you some respect as a partner and a woman, not a sex toy there for his amusement.
Now let's talk about your baby and her sleeping habits. I'm not against co-sleeping, really I'm not. But your set-up doesn't sound ideal as your own sleep is suffering. Don't the lights/TV disturb her while she's downstairs on the sofa? Why are you staying awake upstairs with her for 2 hours? You need to work on teaching her to settle herself. She should have a bedtime between 6-8pm, and that should be it for the evening. I'm no expert on getting babies to sleep/settle, but your setup is not healthy for anyone and I suggest you visit the sleep boards on here for some advice on getting a new routine.
He just talks about it so much it's driving me nuts: 'tonight I'm going to spoil you and do this that and the other' and when it comes to it I barely get a kiss and a cuddle before he's - for want of a better phrase - trying to get in there
if he mentions he is horny - you should say you are too - tell him your so horny you would shag his cock right off, tel hi you woud fuck him every way til sunday. you feel sorry for yourelf tht you can't
i dont see why his lack of sex is more inportant thatn yours
Yes every night. DD sleeps fine so long as I'm there. I'm horny too but want decent sex, I'm not of the opinion that some is better than none.
So, OP, when he trots out this leg parting phrase, what do you do?
annie that's not really helpful, to say "baby should have a bedtime between 6-8pm, and that should be it for the evening." That's the kind of thing Health Visitors say, which actually doesn't help parents in the moment - I have DCs who are hard to settle - the other night we started bedtime at 5.30 and DD2 took until 9pm to get off to sleep - she woke at least 5 times in the night. They are all different and OP needs to work out with her DH how they can both work together to help their baby find a good routine - "self settling" is a myth anyway. Sorry.
Have you told him the sex he pesters you for is shit ?
Princess that sounds really horrible
You would not be unreasonable to stop putting yourself out to have inconsiderate unsatisfying sex. That's not going on sex strike, it's a sensible decision to stop doing something that should be pleasurable with someone who doesn't seem to care about your pleasure.
Why does your DH thinks he is more important than you?
In case it wasn't obvious from the other posters' comments on here, you don't have to have sex with your DH every night. With a 7 month old, I am impressed you manage it at all ever, to be honest!
You need to talk seriously to your DH. He is being unreasonable.
Focus on your baby and getting a good nights sleep, not on this pathetic whining for sex man-child.
RaisingGirls - that's not really fair. I didn't just say "baby should be in bed by 8pm so deal with it and make it so". I suggested that if the current system isn't working for her, perhaps she could get good advice on the sleep boards. My two were tricky to settle too, but if what you're doing isn't working, you try something new.
Being on a schedule that involved the pressure of having to be downstairs for nookie at a set hour is hardly likely to be helping the situation.
FFS, what kind of man expects daily sex with a young baby in the house?
OP, you haven't said if he helps out with any of the other childcare or domestic chores.
Sorry, I should have said "does his share of", not "helps out with".
Have you spoken to him? Asked him to help with the baby? After 7 months of you doing stuff he may have
made it up in his head persuaded himself that you are happy with this arrangement.
I am astonished you do it every night. Unless you want sex do not have sex.
Don't use sex as a weapon.
Ok Annie I misreasd your post - sorry. I thought you were just telling the OP what she should do with the baby.
I also can't believe you have sex every night, and you have to go to a great deal of trouble in order to be available to do so. Although, tbh, it doesn't sound like sex, more like your h is using you to wank into.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
What will happen if you don't want sex. How is your partners reactions
I don't think bashing the DH is helpful IF the DH isn't demanding, there's no crime in being horny, but the quality of sex is dire, and for that he IS BU because it sounds like a one way street.
I'm gasping, but DH has sciatica, I may be guilty of lamenting how much I miss him, but right now, it's not going to be 'great' every night.
I am however very understanding that DH is pretty limited in what he can do for me, so because I am getting it all a little easier at present the oweness is on me to try and make things a bit better. I'm not a bitch for wanting it, I would be VERY unreasonable to simply mount DH, please myself and then carry on complaining. Likewise, he wouldn't be helping himself if he just allowed me to get my oats. You are enabling your DH to remain lazy.
Flip it and your DH is being unreasonable for not actually thinking of YOUR needs a bit more, it doesn't make him a wanker, but just unreasonable.
Likewise you are being unreasonable for perhaps not demanding quality?
Saying all that quality sex is rather difficult with a restless baby in the house, so perhaps you need to sit down and TALK, arrange something (that he contributes to) that would make it easier for both of you to really enjoy each other.
musicismylife - refusing to have daily unsatisfying sex with a lazy arse husband who won't do his share of caring for his baby is hardly using sex as a weapon. It's just common sense.
I'm not on about the quality or crapness or quantity; it should never be used as weapon. Full stop. If you feel tired, etc, fine. Anyone with a baby would. But tell him that.
Your title was very badly phrased and I'm sorry, but it got my goat. Sex is NOT about power. It should be about love.
Sounds like you're far too busy pleasing him, and he can't be bothered to help.
Yanbu to go on strike. Go get yourself some much needed sleep.
Night, night op.
I too am surprised (and a little jealous) you manage to not only have sex but still fancy having sex every night.... But that doesn't mean I think you should be having crappy sex
I wouldn't go on a strike as such- i think sometimes withdrawing sex can do a lot of damage... So can feeling resentful about lack of support with DD and lack of satisfaction in him pleasing you. I don't want to judge your DH based on how you have described the situation but as it stands he does come across a bit selfish.
I would really talk to him and appeal to him that you are really needing his help. Are feeling overwhelmed as a new mum and tired and do not want it to get to the point where it affects the quality of your love making. Trust me i have been there but unfortunately too late for us... Still plugging away at it but don't let it grow. Communication is everything.
I wouldn't have a sex strike. I also wouldn't have sex with a lazy, selfish, entitled fuckwit.
I wouldn't have sex, ever, unless I was totally happy, wanted it, and had the energy for it. I'd hope and assume that all adults view sex this way.
Some of the responses on this thread are shocking. Posters who say don't go on strike (vile phrase anyway) are you suggesting that op should have sex when she is too tired for it, and pissed off with her DH?
Would you have more time in the morning?
But you're not unreasonable to concentrate in making sure your baby, and you, get enough sleep.
I was more saying the 'strike' approach may be a little hasty... Like refusing sex blank outright in a protesty sort of manner- rather than sitting down and really airing your feelings and allowing her DH to explain and try to make up for it...
"I was more saying the 'strike' approach may be a little hasty... Like refusing sex blank outright in a protesty sort of manner- rather than sitting down and really airing your feelings and allowing her DH to explain and try to make up for it..."
Because obviously it's the OP's job to explain things to her partner. There's no way he could be expected to work out for himself that his behaviour is that of a selfish, entitled arse.
Re baby: is she sleeping a lot in the day still? If so try reducing her day time sleeps so she is ready for a good deep sleep at night.
Re DH: can he not just do some self satisfaction some (most) nights, but not using porn - as that leads to disaster.
kill tell DH "look, I'll be a lot more into sex if I'm not so fucking exhausted I can barely breathe. So help me out or get used to helping yourself out, dick."
I'd have little love or respect for my DH if this was me.
He does need to know what's going wrong here rather than be expected to guess. I think it's fair to say something like the sex is crap and I'm not getting anything from it. I'm exhausted and doing most of the childcare here. Until you can think of some ideas to resolve this (since I've tried and failed on my own) I think I think we need to change the current situation....otherwise it will lead to my current feelings of being used and unappreciated getting worse.
Then stop trying to appease both babies and put yourself first more.
I think a sleeping routine which doesn't involve such long times of settling is the first target and he needs to help there.
Forget the sex. annie is right. I think first you BOTH need to work together and try something new to get your baby to sleep. Sex or no sex you can't keep doing that , you will end up exhausted if you aren't already.
Your dh is coming across as being an arse but if I was to give him the benefit of the doubt I'd say that maybe he's just missing spending time with you. Obviously he could just be a sex crazy arse but if you could perhaps talk and try and come up with something where the aim is to get your evenings back and have some time together (not just have sex)
But please don't see it as you have to sleep with him. You don't!!
Don't go on strike, that sounds petty. Just tell him you don't want bad sex when you're too tired and if he helps you with DD them you might be more in the mood. I am amazed you're having bad sex every night with a small baby, that sounds horrible and you need to communicate better.
How long have you been married?
You know, you don't have to 'let him in', after a quick kiss and cuddle. Tell him he has to please you orally first or something. What's the point in rushing back for crap sex, honestly?
Seeker it's not about OP explaining herself... It 's about the OP and her DH communicating (or attempting to).
I wouldn't think expecting him to just 'know' is the answer...otherwise he wouldn't behave that way in the first place.
Do you really think it's reasonable for an adult, sentient human being to not know that his behaviour is not acceptable here?
I agree that often expecting people to be psychic is unfair- but in this case????? really?
He knows all right
He just doesn't give a shit
Seeker... There are a lot of men out there who tend to be living in the world of 'me'... Self involved... But that fact that OP married and had children with this man suggests to me that it might be worth giving communication a shot?
This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse
You don't need to stop having sex, full stop -- just stop having the kind of sex you're having right now. It sounds dire. Are there other windows of opportunity? Weekend naps or the like?
I'd tell your DH that you need to sort out DD's sleep first and foremost -- and this is something you both need to work on. When that's improved, you can figure out some new evening habits for the two of you (though just to stress that obviously you don't have to have sex every night if you don't want to!)
I don't think your current setup sounds very good for any of you -- you're exhausted and your DD is not having a very settled night either. Having him help with an expressed bottle sounds like a good thing to try, as part of finding a new routine. Why does he disagree??? Is he just a lazy so and so?
'He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo'
Tell him to tell it to the hand! And it's not 'helping', it's looking after his own kid!
"This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse "
I think i must have misunderstood because I don't think he is witholding sex and no one in their right minds would be accusing the OP of DA????
"This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse"
April Fool's day was yesterday.
'his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse'
Um, no, it isn't.
Everything seeker has said. This is a sad situation indeed. No matter how much you fancy sex, feeling obliged to get up (running the risk of waking a difficult-to-settle baby) to go to him EVERY NIGHT is just awful.
My daughter is 13 months old. She is breastfed, has co slept with me since she born and still notices if I get up to leave her once she has settled. It literally is a case of picking my moments, sneaking away and enjoying the odd half an hour without baby that we can get. I can count the amount of times we have had sex in the last 6 months on one hand; usually, when we do have time alone we just chat! And not because we don't miss sex. We do, terribly. Luckily, DD won't be a baby forever and we will have quality time again soon -- it will be worth the wait and just surviving and respecting each other in the meantime is key.
Don't go on strike. If your DH really is too dim to realise how unreasonable his behaviour is, TELL him so. Then focus on you and baby and get some sleep.
OP did say she was considering going on sex strike, so i took that to be a refusal to show affection / have sex.
"More recognised forms of emotional abuse are control by fear, control by manipulation and control by withdrawing affection or ignoring a spouse."
OP I hope you ignore that shit comment back there. Its not DA.
DH can have a five knuckle shuffle if he's that horny,however you need to talk to him about your dissatisfaction or it will lead to resentment. Of course he should help settle DD too.
Oh for gods sake,affection is not just sex and ignoring is not refusing sex.
NO ONE has to have sex they do not want. Refusing to have sex you do not want, for whatever reason, is not abuse.
Back to reality: The real issue here is that he has gotten into the habit of not helping with bedtime because well, you are the one with the breasts so it was, i guess, an easy habit to get into. Does he help other times?
Those are the real issues - how much he "helps" with HIS child. Its not about going on sex strike, its about being able to enjoy quality time together because you have worked as a team to sort your DDs sleep issues out.
Oh yes, not knowing you're out of order can be the only reason for continuing said behaviour
OP, it sounds like he's competing with your baby to get access to your body. Or that he now sees your body as a sort of Giving Machine and that the way you selflessly give give give to your little baby must mean that he is automatically entitled to taketaketake the way a baby does and that you unquestionably just want to givegivegive to whomever wants to take, IYSWIM. It also sounds like he is a thoughtless, selfish, sexist crap shag who doesn't believe that he should participate in the harder and more demanding parts of parenting. There is a lot more going on here than him 'just' being a crap shag - he sounds like a selfish, immature twat who thinks his dick is more important than his child or his partner's needs.
Echo the comment about sex not being a "job" and therefore no real way to strike.
I think you have two issues -
He isn't helping at bed time. I am shocked that a father won't even try bottle feeding to sleep his own child. It's true it may not work, but how selfish do you have to be to not even give it a go? You could try not keeping yourself awake with the phone. If you wake up once the baby is settled, all well and good, but otherwise it's just life. Or you could just make up a bottle of expressed milk one night and at 8 pm give him the baby and the bottle and tell him you're going out, he should call you when the baby's settled and you'll come back for some "action" (if that's what you want). You could go and kip in the car if you want to, the point is to make sure he has to learn how to get on with it without you picking up the slack.
Secondly, he (and possibly you - it's a common misconception) see sex as being mainly about him coming. If you're frequently having sex where he's coming but you're not getting anything, why aren't you frequently having sex where you're coming but he's not getting anything? He doesn't have to come for it to be sex. I would be tempted to tell him he needs to redress the balance, and you don't care (for now) whether he comes or not, but sex needs to be a lot more about you and your pleasure for a while.
Having read your OP, it felt very similar to me when DD2 came along. (DD1 was ff due to reflux)
DH was very hands on with DD1 but like a different person with DD2, he assumed that she wanted me ALL the time due to bf so didn't have any kind of bond with her and didn't help to settle her, try her with a bottle etc.
I decided to give DD2 a dummy to my DH disgust, I told him he hadn't shown any interest and it was my decision! It worked a treat to break the link between bf and sleep and to end the co-sleeping.
After a bit of a break down at 3am I had a sceaming match with DH about his lack of interest in DD2 and he hadn't realised what he was doing as for the first few months she was attached to me and he just fell into a habit!!
YANBU at all but if the co-sleeping works for you then do that and don't keep yourself awake for something that you don't enjoy!!
Sad you hold so little value to consensual act sex that you withhold and use as punishment
shame you feel So desperate and tired,it's affected your judgement
Talk like adults,get a mutually agreeable plan
Princessj29, have you posted before about your OH, using a different name?
Sadder that the op's partner thinks that his needs trump anyone else in the family's needs. This situation is not the OP's fault. It is not solely up to her to find solutions.
I've done every night / morning and bedtime since ds was born......nearly two yrs now.
We haven't had sex since I was pg. I'm so tired and resentful.
( not helpful!)
op this is what happens in our house(i have older ones too so at the same but i do have a baby 6 months too)
dh gets home at 6,I try to get dinner ready for this time so we can all eat together.
After dinner,we all go upstairs,dh is in charge of bathtime while i tidy the dinner stuff away.
I put dc3 and 4(3 and 6 months)to bed,when i say i put them to bed,i lie with them in my (superking size)bed ad they fall asleep,can be a few seconds if they are really tired,could be about 20 minutes,its not usually longer than that,maybe you could orchestrate your babies naps so that hes tired enough to go to sleep in a decent amount of time, hours is a long time.
While i do this dh is doing the same with dc1 and 2(5 and 4)iit takes about the same amount of time.
After this is our child free time,so we do what we want,sometimes the baby wakes up and ill go and sort him out,sometimes ill brig him downstairs if i want to.
We have lots of sex,which is why i am always pregnant lol!
btw the baby still wakes in the night,dh has never done a night feed,i havnt even wondered why until now,i guess its because ds2 still wake sin the night and its always dh that deals with him.
I am actually a bit weirded out by this thread.
Why would you be having regular un-satisfying sex with a man who does nothing to help either your or the child you have together? He may be getting something out of it, but you are certainly not.
With regards to your bloke - don't 'withold sex' or use it as a weapon. Never a good idea. But also don't make it your sole priority. Explain to him that your are not his fuck-toy, but his partner and the mother of your baby. If you are tired, you will sleep. You will not spend two hours trying to stay awake just so your OH can get his leg over as quickly as possible.
With regards to the baby - do you want to break the cycle of mum = milk and sleep? If you do, work on it. Write your plan down, and get your bloke onside, otherwise it will never happen.
Show him this thread too.
I was being flippant when I mentioned going on strike - I just meant that I'd make as much effort to get baby settled to sleep alone so we can have time together/time to have sex as he does - i.e. zero effort. I'm fed up of feeling it's just my problem to sort out when she is both of our daughter and we would both like a decent sex life back. Daytime sleeps make no difference to night time, she is just used to me being there with her and being latched on most of the night which is why I thought starting the night with a bottle of expressed milk may break the association with her thinking I'll be there all night. To those who said to tell him to sort himself out rather than expect me to come down for sex - that still doesn't solve my problem! At least he has the time and opportunity to sort himself out, while I remain frustrated and stuck to baby all night. Weekend nap time sex isn't an option as we also have an older child and no babysitter options either. Sex was a big part of our relationship before baby was born (and for the first few months after her birth) and it feels different without it - plus no sex is also meaning little affection as we don't even get to have cuddles as baby is literally always attached to me. Am at a loss of what to do.
Your little girl won't breast feed forever though.
cant he lie with you both?we dont anymore as we have more children but when we only had one or two babies we would lie with them together.
You might not like the idea of it but i dont bother "putting them to bed" at that age,mine stay up with me and if they fall asleep they sleep i our arms or somewhere downstairs(we co sleep but have a cot downstairs for daytime snoozes).
that wont solve your sex problem but at least you wont feel under pressure to get her to sleep every night ad just go with the flow.
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