To say enough is enough(39 Posts)
Major falling out with sister not first time. We're both single mums. I have one she has two. Basically when the three cousins play together if something is damaged or broken mine gets the blame even if it was one of hers did it. In addition she lies a lot about silly things and important things. It's got to point I cant believe a word she says unless i have other proof. I've never seen her properly discipline her kids. When I'm in charge of her kids I tell them off for the same reasons and in same way as I would my own allowing for age etc. but cos they're not used to being told off it results in major drama. Now she's told her kids I'm not to tell them off if my mum is there only mum can n she's almost as bad. She's also encouraged her kids to refer to me as fat and smelly. I laughed this off at first thinking it was just a kid thing as I am overweight but then the smelly was added n I got suspicious.
Tonight my kid got told theyre not allowed to play on something of the cousins in case it got broke.
Frankly I've had enough. Aibu?
After all this, why are you socialising with her so much, you clearly don't like each other very much.
I can't see what you, she or your children get out of this, aside from mutual aggravation.
You are too close to a family that you probably shouldn't be so close to as you're so different.
Start separating yourself from this, there is no excuse for teaching children to insult their Aunt!! There's no point telling the kids off either, they're being taught by their Mum. Your sister and mum are treating you like a doormat, you have far higher standards than them, you are doing right by the children, I would start taking small steps at getting busy with other people who share your values.
You don't have to cut them off entirely, just get busy elsewhere.
And don't worry about the lack of cousins issue, of course it's nice when cousins are close, but I can safely say I am not at a disadvantage in life for having any! I certainly would be if I was forced to watch as my cousins called my mother fat and smelly.
Fat and smelly? She sounds horrible.
Fat and smelly? She sounds horrible.
Silly comments I can handle but yes my kid is hurt hearing it. The lying has been going on since she was about 8/9. It's got so bad that even at a time when we were getting on relatively well I found myself looking up advice on dealing with compulsive liars. Mum knows how I feel and agrees somewhat on what sister is like but won't do anything about it. Dads fallen out with her about the lying but basically just takes little to do with her now.
Sorry OP the solution is simple, you take your child out of the situation where he hears negative and hurtful comments about you. Stop playing her games. If you are both adults, it isn't up to your mum to start taking sides - what do you expect her to do -stop your sister's pocket money? Make her sit on the naughty step?
Only you can exert any control in this situation, unless you are living in the same house, I can't see why you'd have anything to do with her beyond civil chit-chat at family events. No one is making you live in each other's pockets, especially as this fraught relationship seems to have gone on for most of your lives.
Disengage, disengage, disengage.
I may have misled. Only mentioned parents in terms of they also have to deal with her n how they do. I know I have to find a way to deal with her myself. Trouble is if I agree to being available at a distance for family occasions she will view this as my acceding to her. Plus there is the disciplining of kids on those occasions. I have previously refused to have anything to do with her but been persuaded against my better judgment to "just be civil" "just talk to her" n I'm back at square one...oh and she NEVER apologises for anything.
Practise the following line
"Fuck off you nasty vile fantasist,stop bothering me"
Repeat every time you see her, should do the job
Pixie lol yes that would be funny and I am tempted. I'm also tempted to bring up everything else that annoys me about her!!
Nah keep it short clear and concise. It works better that way
Are her kids at school yet? Fact of the matter is that Mum isn't the only person who gets to tell them off. Sooner they learn that the better.
Also, if you're not allowed to discipline them, I find the line 'Sister, will you please deal with your misbehaving children, they are annoying/rude/embarrassing/disrespectful/little shits' to be very effective.
Yes her kids at school but if there's a dispute with school or other kids she never believes her kids at fault. Yes I get that u support your kids but there's supporting n allowing them to think they're always right. Just in normal conversation I have never heard her say she likes any of their teachers. My child at same school and she often claims the head has singled them out for praise but I've never known head do this with any of the kids. The kids seem to understand to behave differently at school but then they see dad at weekends n I think he's quite strict. This has caused difficulties too. Poor kids don't know what's going on.
Your sister is making a very big rod for her own back, when her kids are bigger they will have such a huge sense of entitlement and feel that they can do no wrong. Nobody will like them, they will turn into horrendous teenagers and she will wonder why!
You can't stop her from messing her own kids up, you can protect your own child (and yourself) by keeping them the hell away from this toxic woman and her kids. Any questions from her and bluntly explain that you don't want to expose your child to a manipulative, nasty, compulsive liar and the two children she's raising to be bullies. Then have no more to do with her.
The only way of dealing with people like this is to give them nothing, treat them as if they don't exist.
Zebra if she weren't family I'd have cut her out years ago. The difficulty I have is she is and unless I choose to cut myself off from parents too I'll have to deal with her at some stage.
So that's the question, at family events how do I strike the difficult balance between civil/rude/appearing to have given in to her nonsense? And how do I make sure my child isn't made the scapegoat n how do I react to rude comments from her kids?
Good God. She's teaching her kids to call you fat and smelly?
Just don't hang out with her. She doesn't have the same standards as you for a start and she sounds like a crap influence.
I think a bit of space may do you all some good.
avoid family events? really, how many are there? Christmas then other things, do something separate "oh mum, we can't make it to yours for your birthday, I hope you have fun with Dsis, can I have you and Dad over for lunch the following sunday?" "oh, we can't do Easter sunday, you have fun with Dsis, why not you and dad join us for a day out on easter Monday?" etc.
I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you could avoid all family gatherings before christmas. invite your parents to you or go out round when you know she won't be there, it must be possible to do things just with them.
BTW - if your mum tries to manage you both being there say that your sister's DCs are horrible to yours, she makes no effort to discipline them and gets stroppy when you do, so until that changes, you don't think it's best for your DD to be round those children. If that means she has to lose her rlationship with your mum because your mum won't see you without your sister, so be it. Say you don't want a big falling out about it, but you will shout at her DCs if they behave like that again and as you are pretty certain they will and your sister won't do anythign about it, it's best you stay away to avoid a family fall out.
We are a close family normally. But I think a talk with mum is in order, the problem is she is seen as the one who needs the most support as she can't seem to cope. Also because she has ongoing ill health. So my mum reluctant to give her any added stress.
Dontmindifido shouting at her kids for anything is banned. She never raises her voice to them. Even when their behaviour particularly outrageous she says she'll deal with it at home but I don't think she does.
see, I'd just do it, and then tell her to her face that if she's not going to discipline her DCs, then she shouldn't bring them to family events because their behaviour is terrible. Quite frankly, shouting once might be enough to stop them doing it again, or at least to get them refusing to go to things horrible Aunty Textfan is at, so either way works.
Talk to your mum, there's a point when being close comes at too high a cost for one person.
Ok feeling a little calmer. How she disciplines her kids is her business even if she's making a rod for her own back. However I do need to stop her using mine as a scapegoat and hers treating me and my child disrespectfully. Any ideas? I would also appreciate ideas for responses when she says something that I strongly feel or know to be a lie.
My mum is "anything for a quiet life" type which is frustrating. I have already done the "if you won't tell them I will" idea at which point she has a go at me and sometimes claims she was about to tell them herself. Mums reaction is to plead ignorance or make a daft comment along lines of "can't you just all get along?". That's at immediate family only things. At larger family events her kids behaviour is almost embarrassing.
Spoke to mum today. She agrees with me to a point. But now sis has fell out with her dunno why
Sis has sent text basically saying its all my fault n mum agrees with her. I'd actually sent a text apologising for my part in the argument but explaining y I was hurt/upset. She says what I did was "unforgivable" n that she doesn't want me near her kids. I stupidly retorted with some home truths. Silence since though.
Well that's fine - let there be silence.
I believe in cutting family a fair bit of slack but basically there's no law that says you have to like or want to associate with your blood kin. If you wouldn't want to be friendly with her if she wasn't your sis then I'd just let her stew now because it sounds as if she's exhausted any leeway.
Be open to her kids contacting you at a later stage in their lives, perhaps, but as for her? I'd forget about her. Family 'do's' will sort themselves out - they usually do.
Cozie thanks for reply. I think you're right I'll let her stew.
Perhaps she'll take family less for granted, now she's in the big world, where people walk away from rude and selfish behaviour, and where "falling out with someone" doesn't bring that person running back!
Isn't that just craaaazy?!
I think you're best to leave her to think about it for a while. Quite frankly, if her DCs are as bad as you say, then friends will also start to pull away from her (i have one lovely lovely friend who's DS is a bit of a handful, I've pointedly only invited her over to ours in the day when I already know she's not going to be able to make it, then will just see her at grown up events so my DS doesn't have to put up with hers, I do'nt think I'm the only one doing this). Eventually she'll realise she has to do something or be very isolated.
The only person she really has at the moment is mum. She tends to have one friend at a time, gets really clingy n needy then lets them down in some way usually involving her owing them money, they fall out over this then I usually get an earful of what that person was 'really' like. She has tons of 'friends' on FB but v few are people she sees in real life. Mostly old school friends.
Sounds as if you're starting to feel sorry for her again?
Don't - unless she starts trying to help herself, your responsibility is to you and your own.
Sorry should've added point I'm making is she doesn't really have any friends. We don't live where we grew up so the FB friends are only that.
The last thing I'm feeling for her right now is sympathy. She's created her own situation she can stew in it!!
yes, people will repeat the same pattern until they realise they are reason for it.
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