selecting only certain children at wedding.

(213 Posts)
frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:13:36

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:14:14

should have put this in chat maybe...

Dilemma247 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:15:57

I think it is going to cause a lot of bad feeling and there will be people you want to come who won't be able to or won't want to...

I wonder if you can chat to the peo

bigkidsdidit Mon 01-Apr-13 09:16:30

I have to say I turned down a wedding invitation and got quite cross when it said no children; when i phoned to explain we couldn't leave DS for that long (it was a 2-day affair in the middle of nowhere) they said 'oh lots of children are coming, bring him'. I was a bit miffed and said no.

I dont think you can be close enough to someone to accept a £300 gift from them but not close enpough to invite their children, sorry I just dont think you can.

SizzleSazz Mon 01-Apr-13 09:17:35

I don't understand re cousins bit. Sounds like bil/SIL children all invited plus bride & grooms child. Who are the younger cousins?

Dilemma247 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:17:59

People before you send the invites out,
As I'm sure you've seen on here, people get really hurt if the invite arrives and they had no idea their kids would be excluded whilst others are bringing theirs

Sorry, I Sound harsh... But I think you need to be really careful

Flisspaps Mon 01-Apr-13 09:18:06

Hmm. How much extra will it cost for you to have all of the children there?

I think it's a bit strange to have some relatives children, but not others. It's either all (preferred IMO) or none (strange IMO)

N0tinmylife Mon 01-Apr-13 09:18:45

Pretty bad I'd imagine. If I read that right the aunt is saving you up to £300 but you can't afford to invite her child? There must be a fairer way to keep costs down surely!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 09:18:56

For the sake of saving £350, due to the aunt's generosity, I'd say her children ought to be invited, they have more than paid their way.

It would be a total slap in the face tbh if you didn't invite these specific children.

CSIJanner Mon 01-Apr-13 09:19:29

You should invite the aunts children - if you don't, you're being rude.

As for the others, why don't you explain and see if some can pay for their hidden in lieu of a gift? It's still blooming cheeky but its a potential solution

SizzleSazz Mon 01-Apr-13 09:20:35

Ok, re-read it - I think if you are inviting adult cousins then you need to include child cousins

We only invited sibling children (and babes in arms wink) but there were no jnconsistencies IYSWIM

StanleyLambchop Mon 01-Apr-13 09:20:46

If I were the aunt supplying a £300 wedding cake, and I found out my DCs were not invited I would be very hurt. Could you not fit them in, she is doing you a real favour!!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 09:22:01

You ASKED her to do the cake, something she could have made hundreds of pounds on, but are not going to invite her DC, specifically only hers.

Think this through. How would it make you feel?

I've been to weddings before that say that 'sorry, only immediate family of bridal party are invited' and it was fine. But think you'll need to be very careful how you phrase it I guess.

Friends, IME, a bit more forgiving than family when it comes to weddings & kids.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 09:23:38

Where are you having the wedding? is there the possibility of a side room, hiring a childrens entertainer so the adults can eat in peace, and ordering a buffet for them?

With the price of sit down meals, I'd baulk at £30-40 a head for a heap of children, who wont like the menu, get bored, fractious, noisy, whiney and want to run around.

I'm all for having them at the evening do, the problem is, where to lose them during the day!

But I do think you have to invite your auntie's kids if she's doing the cake.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:24:03

In principle I don't think yabu as long as you are gracious about people declining the invite if they can't bring their children...

However you say it comes down to money (perfectly acceptable reasoning) but I totally agree with Dita you cannot accept such a valuable gift and not invite their children. Apart from anything else if they were to withdraw the offer of the cake you would be considerably worse off!

I agree, a quiet word before the invitations go out may be the best way forward.

Backtobedlam Mon 01-Apr-13 09:25:37

I never understand why people get so het up about children at a wedding, the thing is they take up places that could go to adult friends. I've been to weddings where only immediate family children have been invited and not mine, it really didn't bother me. It's your day as bride and groom, not everyone else's, if the aunt says she's not doing the cake then that's her being petty. Could you say they are welcome to come to all come to the evening when numbers are less restricted?

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 01-Apr-13 09:25:46

If I was the aunt I wouldn't come & I wouldn't do the cake either, bad form on your part.

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 01-Apr-13 09:26:28

I principle there's nothing wrong with inviting some children and not others. Children are like adults, you have closer ties to some than others. It's perfectly ok to invite a sisters kids but not those of a friend you met at work.

I do think it has to be even on both sides. If groom or bride, then children of all your siblings, children of all your cousins, children of all all your best friends.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:26:52

Sorry, on grooms side one set of aunts/uncles children are grown up (so cousins) then there's grooms mum/dad and grown up children (one of which is groom), so his brothers child is invited (but cousins to other aunts/uncles grown up children iyswim!) then there is cake making aunt/uncle who have 3 younger children aged 5-13, (so cousins to groom) they are the ones that are not being invited due to financial restrictions. But trying to make the wedding nice for everyone, adults are £60/head. It's just that their children will be the inly family not invited on the grooms side. But can't afford to invite all the children from brides side, and can't say no children from one side and then invite them from the other.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:29:17

Have just clocked that you asked them to make the cake (albeit not for free). Going to get down off the fence now: you MUST invite their children (and possibly rethink the whole children policy even if it means scaling down elsewhere) otherwise all hell is going to break loose.

<Gavel>

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 01-Apr-13 09:29:59

Can you draw a family tree please grin

StanleyLambchop Mon 01-Apr-13 09:31:04

I still think you need to make exceptions for the Aunt's DC as a special circumstance- due to her supplying you with such an expensive gift. Otherwise you need to insist that you pay for the cake yourself. It really is very bad form otherwise. Presumably the gift is from the whole family, not just the Aunt, so the whole family need to be invited.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 09:32:05

sorry still haven't understood it. All the grown up dc are invited but not those who are still children?

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 09:32:30

>faints< £60 a head?

No wonder no one wants children at weddings.

>faints again @£60 a head<

If done carefully it can work - DD only had children who were 'close family members' and put apologies/explanations in the invites so there were only 4 children at the wedding, all under 5. However she did talk to everyone before the invites went out and nobody declined an invitation because of it. 2 new borns also came in the end (one was only 11 days old)

My advice would be to talk to people before the invites go out. The issue of the cake may cause problems though!

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:34:22

aunt/uncle aunt/uncle aunt/uncle(cake)
/ / /
groom -grooms brother grown up kids younger kids
/ (invited) (not invited)
young child
(invited)

Blissx Mon 01-Apr-13 09:34:36

For all those posters who said they have been offended when their DCs have not been invited to weddings, how many children did you invite to yours?? I only ask as I am the youngest in my family and ended up allowing everyone to bring their own children (13 in all ranging from 4 weeks to 6) to prevent bad feeling and all of them had specified no children at their weddings-I found it very hypocritical at the time.
Needless to say, you can't hear the ceremony or wedding speeches on the video due to the amount of noise from children, nor could people sat at the back at the time. Weddings should be dictated by the bride and groom; if you can't attend due to DCs then fine, but don't get offended by it.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:34:48

ok that didn't work...........................

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:35:15

My advice would be to talk to people before the invites go out. The issue of the cake may cause problems though!

Yep, this one is definitely going to go down as cakegate also wondering just how tight money can be if it's £60 a head but that's kind of a side issue

Cut costs else where, surely that would be the easiest thing to do?

bettybyebye Mon 01-Apr-13 09:36:05

At our wedding adults were 60/ head but children were less than 10 - have you asked the venue for a children's menu/price? In our case it cost so little to cater for children we invited them all which was great. Agree that family vs friends children are different and it's much more understandable to exclude the latter.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 09:36:25

I'm still staggered @£60 a head

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:38:17

Cut costs else where, surely that would be the easiest thing to do?

Indeed: nix on the beluga blini canapes, that ought to do it £60 a head and it all comes down to money sheesh

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:40:56

sorry zz
only people NOT invited on grooms side are cake aunts/uncles children. all others are grown except for grooms brothers child who IS invited, does that make sense? Same on brides side BUT there are loads of brides family children so lots not invited. Do you really think it is rude? If I invite aunts children then going to get major headache from other family parents aren't I?

teacher123 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:43:21

As betty says, ask for a children's menu. We did for ours and it was lovely food but about a third of the cost of the adult menu. They also brought it out at the same time as the adult starter so that the children didn't have to wait.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Mon 01-Apr-13 09:43:34

As someone else said upthread, you need to be consistent. Either all cousins or no cousins. As you're inviting various other cousins, you are obliged by good manners and fairness to invite cake-aunt's children. It wouldn't really be on, cake or no cake, to invite her children but not other cousins unless you've got a reason for it.

We invited only the cousins that we'd spent time with growing up and had a relationship with. The ones who live abroad and I haven't seen in 10 years didn't get an invitation and didn't get the hump as far as I know.

Anyone else, eg if the grown-up cousins have children, talk to them first and explain how you're thinking of doing it and why. We did this (nieces/nephews/godchildren only) and although some people had to leave their husbands at home with the children, they were OK about it. If they had said at the outset, "actually, I'd be really offended if my kids weren't invited" we'd have rethought it, probably by deciding that the stroppy adults weren't so important after all.

EvenBetter Mon 01-Apr-13 09:43:41

Round here £60 per head is normal pricing for a wedding.
Our 1 course buffet was £30 a head almost 2 years ago. Then considering the bus, chair hire, fizzy wine for toasts etc. it bumped it up even more.

£60 a head probably isn't a Disney princess bridezilla wedding, but a normal one in a hotel. Just sayin..as someone who's had the horror of planning a wedding.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 09:44:32

Me too Holly grin

Let me see if I've got this straight.

Bride & Groom's child/ren and nieces and nephews are invited.
Bride and Groom's Aunts and Uncle's children are only invited if they are over the age of 18.
On the bride's side there are numerous children under the age of 18.
On the groom's side there are only 3, all of whom 'belong' to the aunt who is making the wedding cake.

Enigmosaurus Mon 01-Apr-13 09:44:39

I'd either invite the children of the aunt making the cake or find someone to make you one and pay for it instead. It's hugely rude even if she offered the cake as a gift.

Dilemma247 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:44:41

Lol... April 1st!!!

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:44:57

Yes I can see that is genuinely a headache Frang....so as someone else as said you HAVE to pay for the cake or better still get it elsewhere, explaining why to patisserie Auntie, because her time is presumably still precious if she has young children!. If she's cool with it (and she may be) then fine, but you must tell her what's going on.

<gavel again>

MsElisaDay Mon 01-Apr-13 09:45:22

SIXTY quid a head and you're not inviting children due to "financial restrictions"?! This is utterly crackers.

You should definitely invite the aunt's children and, IMO, all "family" children. Weddings are a family occasion and not doing so can create a lot of bad feeling.

As for what Blissx says- I invited all children to my wedding. It would never have been an option not to. But then I made sure I chose a venue where I could afford for everyone to come. We probably had 15 family children and another 10 friends' children.

OP, if you don't invite your aunt's children after asking her to make the cake, you are seriously taking the piss. And I wouldn't expect any sympathy on the "financial constraints" line either.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:47:12

That is exactly it Eostre
Not an April fools, had forgotten about that!

pompompom Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:05

I think its absolutely fine. The only weddings I've been too were this sort of set up - children of immediate family only. Nobody was offended.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:25

if all the dc came, how many would that be? Speak to the cake aunt and the parents of dc in the bride's family and tell them the problem. I would understand and not be offended

maddy68 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:28

Just make the invitation to me and mrs x. They will assume kids aren't invited then if they ask if the kids can come explain that you are only inviting the children if immediate family due to costs. But if you just make the invite to the couple they probably won't (shouldn't!) ask x

OrchidLass Mon 01-Apr-13 09:48:52

You absolutely CANNOT accept their lovely gift of a wedding cake then not invite their children. You just can't.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 09:51:31

Weddings are a family occasion

In your opinion, doesn't mean everybody else feels the same way.

OP I'd invite this aunts children seeing as she's making the cake.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 09:53:25

Meant to add whatever you do someone will complain it might as well be this.

Now really must go and walk Chaoticdog and stop her sulking.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:54:37

I just can't afford to the extra expense it would cost to invite all the children from brides side. nearly £800!

Misfit13 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:55:21

Hi,
We did 'close family children' only and I regretted it. Husband's friend and wife turned up with 3 children anyway, so I spent the first part of my reception dragging extra chairs from a store room. These children didn't want to sit with the other children (understandable, as they didn't know anyone), so the whole seating plan (it was long tables/banquet set up) was messed up. And I felt gutted for my cousin, who was there minus her lovely children sad
Apart from that, the separate children's meal at one end of the (quite small) room worked really well. They had standard kid's party food (basically chips and ice cream!), and all the waste, spillages and most of the shrieking was concentrated around the one table! The children really weren't as intrusive or expensive as I'd expected them to be and we could easily have managed with twice as many.

whosiwhatsit Mon 01-Apr-13 09:55:31

I think if you can't afford to invite the children then you can't afford the wedding you're planning. "Making it nice for everyone" isn't really what you're doing. You're making it posh and impressive, perhaps, but not "nice" for those with children who aren't invited, particularly your aunt. Is there anywhere else you can save money so that you could afford to invite the children? A less expensive price per head due to different menu selections, for example, if it's not too late for this?

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:56:55

Okay Frang I take back my snippy remarks about the cost of the wedding, £800 isn't loose change in anybody's account....but

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN CAKE?? grin

You will be living with the fall out from this for years unless aunt is very relaxed and had loads if time in her hands that she just loves spending cake making for no financial reward.

I'd rethink. We had a problem with numbers at out wedding as fire regs meant an upper limit. We looked into children in a separate room with entertainer (wasn't too expensive) but in the end has the space for them to stay in the main room. Sure they were cheaper though - they had a different menu.

thegreylady Mon 01-Apr-13 09:57:10

Sorry you have to invite the children of cake making aunt. Otherwise it becomes really nasty. It may be possible for the venue to do a reduced price for under 10's and I think you should pursue that. You already have some children coming so it shouldn't be too hard to have the rest.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 09:57:46

Op, elope, it's your only option, just run away!

So £60 a head for 3 children (surely not, ask for a kids menu/half portions) versus wedding cake

£180 or £300+

Simple economics say just invite the children. Otherwise you will be buying your cake. Seriously, you have missed the point here. But that isn't your fault, weddings do strange things to you. Yu never know, they might not take them. 6 out of the 10 children we invited didn't come (parents wanted a good old pissup)

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 09:58:21

if someone said to me, "we'd love to have all the dc at the wedding but we can't afford it", I would completely understand it. Thecproblem for the families is though they will have to sort out something for the dc

Maybe a different style of wedding feast works better with a lot of dc in the family.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 10:01:30

have you spoken atvthe venue about organising 1-2 dc tables with simple dc food and asked them what they could do it for ?- Perhaps they would be accommodating

To everyone saying that because it's 60 quid a head for adults the op is being ridiculous to talk about financial constraints - what a load of tosh! Being able to Ashford 60 quid a head for adults does not equate to being able to afford 20 -30 a head for multiple children which could quite easily be close to a grand and totally change the type of wedding. As usual many many people are totally missing the point.

Op are the children on your side cousins too or children of cousins? Because you could get around inviting the aunts children by saying they are cousins and all cousins are invited. Or if the grooms family is smaller you could get round it this way.

Or talk to the aunt. She may not mind not bringing them. I know I wouldn't mind at all and it wouldn't make a difference to the present I was bringing.

Or don't invite any cousins, adult or children.

Other than this children of immediate family only is fine.

Have you spoken to the Aunt? Explained the situation? We don't know her so how could we tell you what she thinks about making the cake as a gift but not bring her children when other will be?

ceres Mon 01-Apr-13 10:05:42

what is the norm among your friends and family? you need to go with that.

personally i have only ever been to one or two weddings where there were lots of children. i'm irish and child-free is the norm - apart from close family children i.e. neices and nephews.

LouiseD29 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:07:13

Frangipan, don't know I'd this helps, but I was in a similar situation last year - if all our wedding guests had brought their kids there would have been about 35 kids - just far too many. Anyway, we spent some time carefully wording a request on the invite that went along the lines of 'children are welcome, but if all of you bring them there'll be no food left for the grown-ups (or similar) so why don't you enjoy a weekend away without them'.

We also spoke to guests with children one to one to explain. Lots of people took the hint, as far as I know we didn't offend anyone, and we ended up with about 12 kids there on the day - much more manageable.

Good luck. It is tricky - people can be so funny about weddings!

BreasticlesNTesticles Mon 01-Apr-13 10:07:51

So adult cousins of bride/groom are invited but not child cousins? Is that right?

If it is then it makes no sense as it can't be about the money. You should invite no cousins surely regardless of age?

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 10:08:28

If you were to invite all the children...eg Cake Aunties kids,and the univited kids on the brides side...how much in total would that cost?

Could it be covered by leaving a few adults off the guest list,you know the ones that you're only inviting because you feel you have to?Every wedding has them!

I really don't think you can expect her to do a 300 quid cake,and then snub her kids.Can you imagine how many hours work she is going to put into that cake??

Cherriesarelovely Mon 01-Apr-13 10:09:22

Sorry yabu. Generally I totally understand the "no kids" rule, it wouldn't be my choice but I understand. However, my very lovely quiet Dd was not invited to my cousins wedding (none of the kids were on the brides side) but there were several children on the grooms side. I was pretty pissed off but then so was my auntie and several others. Imo it needs to be a fair rule otherwise people will quite rightly be offended.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 10:10:08

she said 800 quid

Loshad Mon 01-Apr-13 10:11:19

I would just make an exception for cake cousins, and invite them, and anyone from your side of family that complains then tell them the whole story. Would be hard for folk to not understand why you invited them, but not the children from the other side of the family.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 10:11:56

Well, to me, £60 a head sounds about right, we spent more than that if you added together the cost of the day and evening catering 5 years ago.

as the grand total of children you will have there are 3 (yours, one from each sibling) plus the cake making aunt's DCs, can you make all of them including the cake making aunt's DCs - bridesmaids/page boys?

That way you can word your invite 'no children' as most people wouldn't count the ones actually in the ceremony in that. If you say "only close family children" you risk other people assuming they are close family, not that you only meant siblings DCs.

If you think that a cake would cost in the region of £300-400 - then you can suck up the cost of the extra bridesmaid/page boy outfits...

sweetiepie1979 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:12:23

It's rude but people do it so you could just be one of those people.

have you actually spoke to the aunt - is she expecting kids to go

i only say this as i had a phone call last week asking would my dh be annoyed if i got an invite and he didnt ) i'm going to be the plus 1 for someone else (long story lol)

we are not in the slightest bit offended that dh and dc aren't invited

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 10:16:34

Thanks ZZ,I missed that bit.800 quid,wow.I think whatever way you handle this now,op,you're going to offend someone.Unless you cough up the 800 quid to invite all the kids.

Is there any other area you can cut back on?

Dilemma247 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:19:41

I think it is your wedding so do what is best

BUT

You need to explain it all nicely and hope your guests understand.
Eg if you invited me and dh and not the kids... I'd have to decline...
If we managed to get child's re and come and people of the same standing in family/friends brought their kids I'd be annoyed
If you'd explained it to me then I'd have an understanding of how it worked.. And be more sanguine

It's the invited that don't invite MY kids but here see kids there thst piss me off...

reluctantmover Mon 01-Apr-13 10:20:07

Our wedding cost us less than £1000 and we had about 50 people. Why spend £60 a head???????!!!!! and ban children to keep costs down, when instead you could spend say £40 a head and invite everyone? Why do people feel the need to spend so much money? You can have a lovely day on less money.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 10:20:42

£60 per head at a hotel wedding is not a mega expensive hotel.

OP, do the family on your side know the relationships on the groom's side well enough to even know who these children are? I don't think it's a given that your side would feel slighted if they came.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 10:22:11

...on my side, I had a cousin "limit" (nothing beyond second cousins) but I have no idea how distant the relatives DH selected were.

mummytime Mon 01-Apr-13 10:23:48

Okay as an Aunt I would be insulted if my kids were excluded, and it would be tricky as they are 16 (adult), 14, and 9. Friends kids not invited I can understand, but not inviting cousins just because they are young is naff, as you are inviting the adult ones.

I invited lots of kids to my wedding, but I also shopped around for venues so we could afford to invite everyone I wanted/needed to.

celebmum Mon 01-Apr-13 10:24:09

invite all the children. just dont order sit down meals for them at 'silly price' per head... make up packed lunch boxes (sarnies, fruit, cupcake etc) and have a sectioned off table with colouring books and puzzles.. kids will feel included and love this, adults get a kid free meal.. no falling out and a fraction of the price..grin

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 10:24:32

reluctantmover - in large parts of the country, you really can't get a hotel that will do it for less than £60 per head unless you are paying large venue hire costs (which usually balances out the savings) - and while you can go elsewhere, then you'll get people on here whinging that "and the Bride and Groom want us to drive 3 hours away when neither of them have any connection to that area!" followed by cries of "bridezilla! why not just use the local hotel so people can go home afterwards if they want?" wink

Stokes Mon 01-Apr-13 10:25:08

I think childfree apart from the bride & groom's children, nieces and nephews is absolutely fine.

I also think inviting cake aunt's children as an exception is absolutely fine as a) otherwise they would be the only three on that side of the family not invited and b) their mother is doing you a huge favour.

Different rules for different sides of the family are fine imo - my family is tiny and my husband's huge; after a decade together I still haven't met some of his aunts and uncles, have met some only once and can't keep straight in my head who's married to who etc. And he's even worse these days! At our (small) wedding, we invited all of my aunts and uncles because that's 5 people, and just the ones he's close to as there would have been dozens of them otherwise. Everyone was fine with that and no one batted an eyelid.

If you can afford cake aunt's kids and don't mind an extra three being there on the day, invite them as well as the nieces and nephews and just spread the word around your side that that's what's happening and why (I'd stress point a) above rather than b) tbh) and I'm sure it will all be fine.

weegiemum Mon 01-Apr-13 10:25:20

We went to my brothers (2nd) wedding 15 months ago.

Children invited: his 2xds, my 3xdc, my db ds and my dis dd.

My dsis didn't come (other issues) but all other dcs did. He stopped it at "immediate family" as otherwise there would have been 9 extra dc.

NellysKnickers Mon 01-Apr-13 10:26:47

Fab idea celebmum.
OP you risk falling out with family, if you can afford £60 a head surely you can invite the children too. Seems very mean to me.

sayithowitis Mon 01-Apr-13 10:28:15

Sorry, but I think you are being rude and unreasonable to exclude the children of this aunt.
1. You are inviting children of other aunts/uncles on groom's side, but not these because of their age. Either you invite cousins or you don't. Age should not come into it.
2. You are happily going to accept a gift worth in the region of £200 - £300 from the person whose children you are specifically excluding AND you are citing cost as a factor. Even if you have to pay the full £60 for each of these children, you are still going to be better off than if you had to pay for the cake at full market price.

It is not just about the cost of the cake ingredients and other materials. I have made a wedding cake or two in my time and I can tell you that the hours of work that go into it plus cost of ingredients etc, means that generally, for someone doing it from home, they will not be making a fortune and often, are lucky to be breaking even. eg: to make a bouquet of flowers from sugarpaste, if charged at minimum wage rates for the hours it takes, not even including cost of materials, would cost over £120. Depending on the complexity and size of the cake, you would be very lucky to get anything for less than £300 in this area, and certainly not something that is completely tailored to your requirements such as I expect you are getting from the aunt.

To happily accept her very generous offer of the cake as a gift and then to exclude her children seems very mean to me. And frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she either withdraws her kind offer to do it for free, or worse, at all.

flumperoo Mon 01-Apr-13 10:30:35

Couldn't you just have a casual conversation with cake-making-aunt and say something along the lines of..."We're thinking of whether we can afford to invite all family children or not. Would it put you in a fix if we didnt invite children?"? Maybe she'll be horrified at the thought or would cause major babysitting problems, or maybe it would be fine. I'd definitely mention it though before sending invites.

Budgiegirlbob Mon 01-Apr-13 10:31:16

I think it is perfectly ok for you to invite only siblings children, and you have to be consistent on both sides if the family. That would mean that you don't invite Cake Aunts children

However you absolutely cannot accept the wedding cake. I would call your aunt, explain the situation and say you would no longer need her to make the cake , or offer to pay full price for it. She may still say she will be happy to gift it to you, but at least she knows the situation.

For what it's worth, I made a wedding cake for my best friend's wedding, and my children were not invited. I wasn't at all insulted, but I guess the difference is that I offered to make the cake as a gift, I wasn't asked. It's a big present to ask for! I don't suppose many people give a £300 wedding gift!

Stokes Mon 01-Apr-13 10:32:25

Ok seriously, £60 per head for a wedding is nothing remarkable, especially if there's a lot included in that (wine, canapes, evening food etc). But even if there isn't, it's none of our business. Your wedding tends to be the only time you will spend that sort of money entertaining so many of your friends and family and I fail to see what's wrong in going for the top end of your budget to ensure a nice venue, decent food etc. Maybe it's because I'm irish and our weddings tend to be Big Deals that I think this, I dunno. I just think it's fine to want things to be as nice as possible for that day, and that the OP has a long way to go before she's entering unreasonable, bridezilla territory.

Also, there is No Way the hotel would allow you to make up lunch boxes for the children rather than pay for a meal. Not a chance in hell. Especially if it would involve bringing in outside food, which is a health and safety issue as well as a financial one.

RedPencils Mon 01-Apr-13 10:32:26

You can't accept the cake and not invite the kids. That's just plain wrong.

reluctantmover Mon 01-Apr-13 10:32:28

well if you can't afford a hotel wedding inviting children and paying £60 a head, you have the wedding somewhere you actually can afford surely? It's the day and atmosphere that mattes, not the fact a wedding is in a hotel surely? Maybe I just have a different view of what a wedding is about, you know a celebration of a union of 2 people and their families (which includes children if there are some) and their friends. People should live within their means, without this rubbish about who they can and cannot afford to invite.

Fluffycloudland77 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:36:51

Our wedding was £95 a head, children cost £15 per head for either a half portion of the adult meal or a children's menu.

Haggle with the venue, they won't want to lose money by not having kids there who will guzzle coca cola from a cash bar at 3000% mark up <exaggeration on the mark p but you get the idea>

Voodika Mon 01-Apr-13 10:37:58

Exactly as celebmum said.
Or perhaps look at the cost of a children's entertainer or a couple of nannies.

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Apr-13 10:39:41

I honestly don't give a shit whether people invite kids or not. Tbh, I sometimes see it as an easy get out clause if I don't want to attend.

But, it would be really really rude to accept a 300quid cake and not invite aunts kids.

fishybits Mon 01-Apr-13 10:40:55

We've experienced this recently. DD wasn't invited but other friends children were because the groom was Godfather to one of the siblings. We wouldn't have taken DD anyway but being told in the invite to take DD to a GP 500 miles away for overnight babysitting was a bit much and I'm afraid it's soured the friendship.

TomArchersSausage Mon 01-Apr-13 10:41:44

I'm all for freedom of choice and a child free wedding wouldn't irk me, but it's got to be all or nothing esp where family are concerned or it'll cause upset for sure.

In this situation I'd be reassessing the cost of the whole thing and scaling it back to be able to afford more guests (ie the children too).

I remember when I was 6 my mum's cousin's daughter who had been flower girl when my parents got married, announced her own engagement . . . except we (me and my sis) and some other kids weren't invited, but other cousins were. My parents went to the wedding, and my mum was mightly pi$$ed off that other kids were there when her own had to stay at home. She had also been secretly hoping I would be her flower girl (as bride had been my parents), but the bride used grooms young cousins instead. Mum was like 'K (bride cousin) was a cow ! oh dear. Sometimes I think it can be an 'all or nothing' rule with kids . . . or maybe all cousins aged over 12/14?
I really feel for you OP, nothing like a wedding to really ruffle feathers ! unfortuntaley I think with your aunt doing cake you have to bite the bullet and invite her kids. Sorry.

TartinaTiara Mon 01-Apr-13 10:45:57

OP, I'm guessing you're the bride here - what sort of relationship do you have with your parents? If you're going to get grief from not inviting children on your side of the family, wouldn't it just be easier to invite cake cousins and explain to your mum/dad why, so that when non-cake bride cousins parents start kicking off, your mum/dad can put them back in their box?

But yes, generally entirely up to you who you invite or not, very rude to ask cake aunt to make cake and then single their children out as only cousins not invited from that side of the family - I think it'd be different if there were an army of non-invited cousins on that side.

Whocansay Mon 01-Apr-13 10:52:22

So, your Aunt is going to a lot of effort and is going to save you £300?

In return, not only are you incredibly rude and ungrateful by not inviting her children, you're going to cost her money as she's going to have to fork out for childcare (assuming any free childcare will be attending the wedding).

If I was your Aunt, I would take this as a massive slap in the face (which it is)and would tell you where to go.

And not sure where £800 comes from - if she has 3 kids and its £60 per head, surely this would cost you £180, which is LESS than the cost of a cake.

YAU

Stokes Mon 01-Apr-13 10:55:03

Whocansay, the £800 was the cost of inviting all of the underage cousins on both sides. The bride has far more child-aged cousins than the groom.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 10:55:03

I think the £800 is the cost of inviting ALL the other children Whocansay

However I fervently agree with you re the cake making Aunt, as does everyone else here, it seems. Frang are you taking this on board or are you just going to make full use of the hard hat??

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 11:08:11

I think it all boils down to this,if you're going to offend anyone...don't let it be the woman who is gracious/kindhearted enough to provide you with a 300 quid cake.

Whocansay Mon 01-Apr-13 11:11:30

Whatever the cost I would swallow it rather than cause upset. Or if I couldn't afford to, I would limit the guest list in other ways (which is what we actually did - we said no cousins on either side, as we simply couldn't afford to invite everyone).

I hope the hard hat matches the OP's wedding dress.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 11:16:17

It's pretty likely the OP has already booked and paid a deposit, so changing venue probably won't work.

Agree the venue will not let OP bring packed lunches for kids. OP, have you checked the cost of children's meals?

BTW, what does your fiancé think you should do - decline the cake and stick to no kids, accept the cake and invite just aunt's kids or invite all kids and accept extra cost (which you may be able to reduce if there are children's meals)? It seems that without the cake complication, you'd be happy to maintain the no kids thing - you can get wedding cakes via M&S and Waitrose and put flowers from your florist on top, this saves a fair bit.

paintyourbox Mon 01-Apr-13 11:17:34

I think you should look into the kids menu idea, at my uncles wedding there was a kids menu (chicken and chips type thing) and cheap goody bags (colouring in books from pound shop etc) and there were no problems.

You have I invite cake aunts kids, she is making you such a generous gift. Don't invite other cousins (adult or otherwise) and if anyone gets the hump explain that aunts children are invited because they are making the cake.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 11:47:34

Childrens' entertainer, nannies hmm

The OP is trying to avoid increasing costs.

OP are there roughly equal numbers coming from each side? If so then split the family invites 50/50 (ish) and you invite those you want and he invites those he wants. If he happens to include three children from his side of the family then that's his choice. After all it is his wedding too wink

jamaisjedors Mon 01-Apr-13 11:58:45

I agree with celebmum about the packed lunches.

We did this for my brother's wedding.

I made up some packs in brown paper bags with sandwiches, little fruit purées, biscuits and raisins, as well as bubbles to blow.

The DC were happy not to have to sit down for a meal, and we were happy not to have to supervise them and could enjoy our meal.

Cost, about £20 from Tesco all in.

Trills Mon 01-Apr-13 12:03:05

Go and TALK to the cake--making aunt.

Don't talk to us. Talk to her.

Just wanted to add that when DF married DSM, they stipulated that we could only bring 2 of our 4 DSs. We struggled with that, but worked out a fair way of deciding which 2. Fast forward to the day and all 3 of my brother's DDs were there!!! Similar ages, by the way. Never been able to work that one out, other than putting it down to bare favouritism. So, I guess I'm saying, do explain to parents your rationale for inviting/not inviting DCs.

CrapBag Mon 01-Apr-13 12:14:49

Why should your family even know who is and isn't invited from the grooms family? Yes I understand about it being 1 rule for all but this is different in that the aunt is making your wedding cake. Would your family not understand that? Especially as there are so many more younger children on your side than your DFs.

Personally I would invite the aunts children, stick to the no children except yours in niece/nephews on your side and if anyone complains tell them that that aunt made you the lovely gift of the cake so you had to invite her children.

I hate this where someone always gets offended at something that someone does or doesn't do at a wedding. I haven't discovered, through my own wedding and other familys that no matter what you do, someone somewhere will be offended by something so just do what you feel is right and that you want to do (but this does include inviting the aunts children).

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 12:17:03

I sincerely hope that if when the aunt's children are invited to the wedding they are going to send all those of us cheerleading for them a piece of cake! grin

elliejjtiny Mon 01-Apr-13 12:31:09

I think you have to invite all the cousins or none of them. It's probably too late for that now but we knew we wanted to invite all our cousins plus any partners and children so we had our reception in a village hall and used caterers who charged £10 a head.

Fluffy1234 Mon 01-Apr-13 12:33:00

I would invite everyone and cut back on flowers, bridemaids or alcohol or people that you havent seen for ages.

Holycowiloveyoureyes Mon 01-Apr-13 12:34:54

Invite the cake making aunt's children.

It would be incredibly rude not to.
If people complain explain the situation, quite simple.

bugsyburge Mon 01-Apr-13 12:41:55

I dont see why there needs to be the exact level of family members on each side at the wedding... I think it's perfectly fine to invite aunts children (with or without the cake issue) & not invite additional people on the brides side...

everyone doesn't have the same relationship with each "level" of people in there family. for instance at my wedding I invited aunties and uncles (because I'm close to them) but DH didn't invite any auties or uncles because he isn't that close to them. I invited 1 of my cousins but not the other 15 because I see that one cousin a lot. I didn't notice anyone going round with a clip board making sure that the exact number from each side of the family had been invited.

what I'm saying is that I dont think anyone on the brides side should complain because the aunt uncle & kids have been invited because you can simply say, a) there are less relatives on the grooms side in the first place b) the aunt has been very kind and made a cake c) we want them there so hush up & find something else to whinge about.

people will always find something to be put out over at a wedding anyway but I urge you to invite the aunts children

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 12:51:23

Why are you spending £60 per head?

It is your wedding far enough, but PLEASE Be CONSISTANT!

My best friend, not poor, stated that I couldn't bring my 2 small dcs to her wedding as no children allowed, far enough. It wasn't due to financial reasons more the fact that they don't like kids, plus the fact that her dh doesn't see his own kids due to animosity through divorce. Again fair dos each to their own etc.

Anyway when we got their her young neice was there. To say I was pissed off is an understatement.

I did mention it to her in passing and she said that they had to invite her, as her brother would have fallen out with her otherwise and so would her mum and dad.

Later that year she holds an adults only bbq-midday. After checking again the no kids rule we arrange to go, much fuss telling the kids why they cannot come with us to see "auntie and uncle x" (btw they are my dd1s Godparents).
Get there and same neice and now her dsis baby are there.

I was gobsmacked and pissed off. Dh said I should have it out with her as totally not bloody on.

Anyway she tries this again and I told her straight that no we won't be leaving our dcs, especially since other people's dcs always seem to be invited.

Sorry for post highjack.

Oh and you are very rude regarding the cake baking auntie.

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 12:54:19

Just to clarify another good friend had a no kids rule. She told me face to face and said that she was sorry and really didn't want to offend me.

Totally fine as there were no kids at all at the wedding. Kids were allowed to the night do though, if we wanted to bring them.

We had my cousins at out wedding through the day, and DHs were only invited at night. Mainly because DHs family outnumber mine about 3-1 and I am close with my cousins where as dh only saw his at funerals or weddings. Just because cousins are invited on one side done st mean you need to invite the other side.

Donnadoon Mon 01-Apr-13 13:11:02

I don't envy your decision but FWIW my Aunt made my beautiful wedding dress free of charge I wouldn't have dreamed of not inviting her 4 children. Also I presented her with a huge bouquet during speeches.

Trills Mon 01-Apr-13 13:13:46

I would invite everyone and cut back on flowers, bridemaids or alcohol or people that you havent seen for ages.

What if one side of cousins are the "people you haven't seen for ages"?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 14:36:23

Simple, close family children are often invited when friend's children aren't. Your BF could have been clearer with you though.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 14:37:02

Eostre's idea is good.

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 14:41:20

THeDoc- I think that is it. She told me they didn't want any kids at the wedding or at the bbqs, when in fact it is only certain people's children who are allowed.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 14:52:37

I can't see how you'll get anything but grief if you start being selective about which children are invited. But your aunt, in particular, will be righteously very cross if she's considered good enough to bake you an expensive cake while her children are not deemed worthy of attending the wedding.

However, if the cost of all the children is too much to accommodate then I really think you have to be clear and consistent about how you apply your restrictions. People can cope with child-free weddings but they do get distinctly pissed off when they discover that the event is only child free for some favoured guests.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 14:54:01

Pande, what if OP said there were 20 invites for bride's family and 20 for groom's, say? Then it could be fair.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 15:01:50

I think it'd be a fairer way of doing things, yes Doctrine. That way you don't select guests on the basis that one side of the family has more children than the other.

Inertia Mon 01-Apr-13 15:44:34

You have to invite cakemaking Auntie's children- adult cousins on the same side of the family are invited, and she's making the cake for you!

If the groom's family including cousins is smaller than bride's family, then just go on the basis of splitting the invites equally between the families.

You cannot be selective about the children, either be firm about where you draw the line ( nieces and nephews only, regardless of age), or no children at all except your own of course. I speak as someone invited to her cousins wedding and told no children, who turned up to find about 15 children from the groom's side and all her other cousin's children there. Only mine and my sisters children were excluded( 3 I'm total). I expressed my unhappiness at the situation (politely)and now they don't talk to me. Don't let this happen to your family.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 16:58:06

The aunt that is doing the cake invited us over about 6 weeks to discuss exactly what we wanted and to make sure she got it right, maybe i should have mentioned it but i didn't really think it would be a huge problem. The three young children invited are in the wedding party all other cousins /guests are over 18. Apparently it is au ts birthday same day. Will invite kids to evening do.

Toasttoppers Mon 01-Apr-13 17:03:37

I have attended a wedding where only nieces and nephews of the Bride and Groom were invited. So only one distinct layer of dc, my own dc were not invited. I think you need to invite the same branches of the family tree regardless of age.

MadonnaKebab Mon 01-Apr-13 17:13:42

I don't think you have to have consistent rules for both bride & groom if their families are very different
So if Groom comes from a large family then his parents, siblings, spouses Neices & nephews a might come to 20-30 people, but for the bride who's the only child of a single mum that level of relatedness would give her a grand total of 1
Maybe she wants to invite her only auntie, a couple of cousins who are almost sisters to her & their kids who she considers Neices & nephews
This might give her a grand total of maybe 7 rellies
must they then invite everyone at the same level of relatedness to the groom, maybe 50 more people , even though he rarely sees some of them?
About the same number for each family seems fairer to me

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 17:20:25

It's the aunt's birthday? Well call and ask her if she even wants to come to the wedding! She may want to do something else but feels obligated!

Invite her AND her DC, if that is what she wants to do. Ask her what would suit her.

If the other 'dc' are over 18, then it's not an issue, they won't need to be there, and there won't be childcare issues. Invite the parents only.

dragonflymama Mon 01-Apr-13 17:25:30

I don't think you should feel obliged to invite anyone to your wedding, whether child or adult. I also didn't want my wedding full of children (restricted numbers easily swallowed up by family / friends' 2-3 children + expensive + wanted a grown up mood / party), even though I love kids. I do however think it helps if you are reasonable in terms of who makes the list and who doesn't (young babies who can't be left, people coming far who can't leave children for long etc). If your cut off rule is a bit ad-hoc, give the children invited a role (flower girl, reading, carry gifts to alter, hand out order of service etc). I find it strange when people take the huff about restricted invites / numbers. We have children now and love an excuse to leave them with granparents! I didn't completely get the family tree, but would separate out the cake making aunt and her children. Good luck!

AmberLeaf Mon 01-Apr-13 17:30:43

Omg its her birthday and you aren't going to invite her children? She's basically giving up her day so you get your wedding cake, not to mention days involved in making it.

YABVU.

jamdonut Mon 01-Apr-13 17:32:29

I don't understand how you can invite family...but not their children? I can understand not having friends and aquaintances children,but the children of siblings and Aunts and Uncles ought to be invited.

Besides, if the rest of your family is at the wedding, then presumably all the people who would otherwise babysit for them will be unavailable.

It seems a bit unfair ,especially if she is making your wedding cake. The least you could do ,as a thank you, is invite all of that family!

When I think of the weddings I went to as a young child...it would be unthinkable to not invite a complete family unit. But then, people didn't seem to feel the need to have weddings that were huge budgets. I went to plenty that were held in a hall,with a buffet.

My own registry office wedding was immediate family only ...so both sides parents ,my step-parents, our grandparents, siblings and their children, plus my godparents (Aunt and uncle) and their child (my cousin). We had a "reception" in our (tiny) flat!!! Quite shocked at the thought of £60 per head!!

jamdonut Mon 01-Apr-13 17:36:23

When I said "you" I meant people in general...not having a go at you personally!

dayshiftdoris Mon 01-Apr-13 17:40:30

I take it you don't have children OP

What the hell is Aunt supposed to do with Children until the point that you will allow them to the wedding? Put them in a cake box?

For what it's worth - I have been invited to a wedding with my son but I probably won't take him (his idea of hell and he doesn't know anyone, will need a chill out zone - has ASD) and if I can't get a babysitter then I won't be able to go.

You assume everyone will drop everything in there life and come to your wedding... you will have people who can't make it and imagine if you say no to her when you do have space / money?

Plus - are the brides family really going to go, give the strength of feeling here 'NO she does not deserve an invite for her kids given she has made your cake for FREE!' and if they do - uninvite the selfish gits... make space

Disclaimer - never been married and never will because this stuff is nonsense!

TartinaTiara Mon 01-Apr-13 17:41:07

OK, was giving benefit of doubt, on the basis that you would have liked to have cake children there, but on the basis of your latest update, it seems that you're grudgingly going to invite them to the evening do, if you have to. When their mother has given hours of her time and money to make you a wedding cake to your precise specifications.

Rude.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 17:46:19

Dc is in wedding party.

dayshiftdoris Mon 01-Apr-13 18:11:21

You have children and you still don't get it?

Wow your sense of entitlement is amazing

whosiwhatsit Mon 01-Apr-13 18:13:04

Your wedding is on your aunt's birthday which she would have to spend away from her children, yet your own child is in the wedding party? Plus you haven't even mentioned it yet when the wedding is weeks away. I'm sorry but this is getting worse and worse. I think you need to figure out a way to invite her children at least. Actually I think you need to invite all the children, but hers in particular. If you don't and she isn't absolutely livid, she'd a far better woman than most.

soverylucky Mon 01-Apr-13 18:19:25

I hate all this sort of stuff. Everyone has such different ideas about what a wedding should be like, who should be there, how much should be spent, what should be compromised on.

Ultimately op it is your wedding and you can do what you like but be prepared for the consequences of inviting some children and not others when the relation that they are to you is the same. Eg invite ALL nieces and nephews or none. You could invite these and then no other children.

I was invited to a friends wedding and we were told not to bring our children but other friends from same circle were allowed to bring their kids. I found this quite unfair and felt it sent out a message about our friendship tbh. I also went to a wedding where my children were not invited but other children were there. The difference this time was that the only children there were related to the bride and groom and mine were not so no offence there at all.

I also now no longer except invites to weddings if my children are excluded.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 18:20:23

The aunt that is doing the cake invited us over about 6 weeks to discuss exactly what we wanted and to make sure she got it right, maybe i should have mentioned it but i didn't really think it would be a huge problem

No maybe about it: you absolutely should have mentioned it. How can you possibly think this is okay?? I know it's your wedding and your rules etc etc (hate that phrase) but you really seem to have forgotten that other people exist at all. It's not too late to put this right: you have been given lots of varying good advice on here...are you really going to ignore all of it?

If you don't and she isn't absolutely livid, she'd a far better woman than most.

^ This from whosi is the prefcet answer to the very first question of your OP.

glossyflower Mon 01-Apr-13 18:34:54

Hmmm after experiencing guest problems at my wedding last year ( I could not invite all my aunts and uncles to ceremony as all their kids would amount to too many guests - they were however invited to the wedding breakfast and had the photos with everyone).
Personally I think you invite all the kids or none at all. It's very unfair to be selective.
Another option could be you hire a room/marquee or something similar and hire a mini crèche with games and someone to watch over the kids.

fuckwittery Mon 01-Apr-13 18:41:22

will you answer these two questions, as this thread is making my head hurt:

Have you asked the venue if there is an option for children that costs less than £60

Who could look after aunt's children if every other family member is invited to the wedding?

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 18:47:39

And to add to fuckwittery's questionnaire

will you PLEASE talk to your aunt about it???

glossyflower Mon 01-Apr-13 18:47:50

"I just can't afford to the extra expense it would cost to invite all the children from brides side. nearly £800!"

...

Sorry but you should have foresaw this from the initial wedding planning before you booked the venue.

After reading further posts you should invite aunts DC as she's doing you a huge favour but no other kids that aren't involved.

If it were me I'd rather invite adults and this kids I have a good relationship with rather than family I never see or keep in regular contact with. You can scale down on those adults and on other stuff too if you're sensible.

All the best xxx

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 01-Apr-13 19:21:08

Sorry, inviting young children just to the evening do is adding to the thoughtlessness. How can that possibly be appropriate? Who is going to look after them for the day? Who is going to bring them along to the evening do?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 01-Apr-13 19:25:08

Glossy, TBF, I think OP planned no children except those in the wedding and it's only the cake offer from aunt that has thrown this planning.

Tolly81 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:27:11

So you've asked her to make a cake, costing 250-300 pounds, the wedding is on her birthday, you yourself have children and therefore know how difficult childcare can be, and you're asking if you're BU? Yes, YABVVU! If someone did this to me I would simply not turn up at the wedding on the day, and perhaps text and say sorry couldn't bring cake - no childcare! Have a good one!
I can only assume you are not bothered about being estranged from large sections of your family. As others have said, the kids thing is all or nothing. I don't mind going to weddings without kids (in fact like it) but would be very annoyed if I got there to find many other kids were invited. Also it's very unusual for venues to charge the same for children and adults.

mercibucket Mon 01-Apr-13 19:28:04

Wow

An evening only invite is worse than no invite. It's so obviously issued begrudgingly. Who will be babysitting and how will they be getting to the evening reception? And on her birthday??

Is this a really convincing joke thread?

SocialGrace Mon 01-Apr-13 19:33:23

It's really tricky. We agonised about this, and then invited family children, godchildren and anyone who had a problem getting child care, which left us with about 25 children. If we'd invited everyone's children we'd have had over 100 children, and we explained this in the invitation. As it was, only 1 of the 20 children attending was there due to lack of childcare, out of 150 guests invited.

I would try to sound out the Aunt individually; some people are very keen to leave their children at home.....

when my children were much smaller I was invited to sing at a wedding (for free, natch) then told that my children weren't invited. This was a MASSIVE PITA for me as I had to arrange all manner of complicated childcare and the whole thing cost me an enormous amount of time, money, and called--in-favours.
Which I did, mainly because it was hard to back out once I had said I would sing.
BUT I thought - still think - that the implication was that my children were to be kept out of sight / not really worth consideration / were going to ruin the day in some way.

When I got there, it was clear that only SOME children weren't invited but also and yes this grates many years down the line THE BRIDE'S DOGS WERE INVITED and walked down the aisle and had a basket and food at the top table.

So yeah, she saved a fair amount of money on her choir / entertainment - yeah we sang at the reception AND the service - but no, I have to say that the whole thing completely changed the nature of our friendship and it has never recovered. I wasn't so much offended as deeply hurt and I felt used.

hels71 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:38:04

I think it would be very very rude not to invite cake aunts children. You don't have to have the same rules for each side of the family though.

When DH and I got married we worked out how many people we could afford (And would fit in the reception venue) then halved it and that was how many guests we each could invite. Therefore my cousins were invited (2 of them) DH's cousins were not (51 of them....more than the total we had at the reception!) N0-one questioned this.

The only children we had were DH nieces and nephews but the only otehr children who could have been invited were my friends two and she wanted to leave them with her mum anyway so her and husband could have a weekend away. (They were older priamary aged at the time).

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 19:42:40

When I got there, it was clear that only SOME children weren't invited but also and yes this grates many years down the line THE BRIDE'S DOGS WERE INVITED and walked down the aisle and had a basket and food at the top table.

After I'd sutured my sides from laughing at this I felt I had to come back Harpischord and say this is the sort of friend who is surely not much of a loss (apart from the anecdotal potential!)

Enigmosaurus Mon 01-Apr-13 19:44:27

Agree with mercibucket, an evening invitation is worse than no invite at all. Dp was very hurt to be excluded from dnephew's ceremony because they did not want our DC there so invited us all to the evening do. Even more so when he discovered that lots of other children were in the church. They used to be very close but it really damaged their relationship. Tread carefully, op.

Trills Mon 01-Apr-13 19:46:34

An evening invitation is not "worse than no invitation at all".

issimma Mon 01-Apr-13 19:47:55

we went to a wedding where either completely dependent children (bf babies) or completely independent children (able to sit through service and reception without kicking off/throwing food) were welcome. Seemed to work well. If childcare an issue, then all welcome.
Personally I'd love to go child-free, but clingybaby means not just yet!

DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas Mon 01-Apr-13 19:51:51

I think you need to invite the Aunties children, but not extras. I have been invited to loads of weddings where the invites state that the wedding is an adult only affair apart from bridal party children, due to restrictions in numbers. I have a DD and have a wedding this year and completely understand why she is not invited. If it was my wedding I would only invite v close children. I wouldnt want to have to not invite a cherished friend for the sake of inviting a child that probably doesnt want to go and wont enjoy themself and will run riot whilst the parents are busy getting on the wine (bitter, me?!).

Myinboxisfull Mon 01-Apr-13 20:16:10

Another one here who thinks that you really should invite you auntie's children. You went to her and asked her to make the cake and, if she's anything like me, she'll put her whole heart and soul into making the best cake she can to your specification. In doing so she's giving you a valuable and personal gift.

If you don't invite her children then I suspect she might feel justifiably used. It would have cost you more to buy a cake than to invite her children and what's she supposed to do with them whist she's at your wedding, hire a babysitter.

No, no, no. You need to invite these children. Venues will usually do a special, basic children's meal for a much reduced price. You never know, she might decide not to bring them as she would like a day out without her children but that should be her decision.

If you ask her if she minds her children being left out then it's very difficult for her to say yes even if she would be upset about it.

I think that if you leave these children out then overall you'll be paying a much higher price in the long term.

mercibucket Mon 01-Apr-13 20:36:30

Yes, an evening invite for the kids only is worse, at a family wedding, on the aunt's birthday. Who is going to look after the kids and how do they get to the evening do? It is obviously a 'we don't want them but can't say no' invite.

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 01-Apr-13 20:50:42

Think forward frangipan - in five year's time will anyone remember the flowers, the quality of the wine or food, the wedding dress (sorry), the bridesmaid's dresses (sorry again)? The answer is no.

Will the people who had their children excluded simply because they were children not adults remember? Possibly, yes.

Will your aunt remember that you were happy to have a cake for free but her children were only allowed to the obviously cheaper evening do? Almost certainly, yes.

ToothGah Mon 01-Apr-13 21:09:38

I still bear a grudge remember my mum and SD going off to a family wedding without me and my DB when we were 14 and 12 because it was a no kids affair.

I'm in my 30s. People will remember. blush

On the upside - I had 25 children at my wedding of various ages and yeah, many of them still remember it, still talk about.
It's a lovely memory for many of them.
This was 1997

sayithowitis Mon 01-Apr-13 23:56:27

Obviously we don't know what kind of cake you are having, but, assuming you are going for a 3 tier cake, iced and decorated, colour matched to your requirements etc. I would estimate that she is going to spend around 20 hours, maybe slightly less, but possibly a lot more depending on decoration, plus materials. You yourself have said that you would otherwise expect to pay between £200 and £300 for this. You asked her to make the cake. you now know that it is her birthday on the day of your wedding. And the best you can do is a grudging evening invitation for her children? Honestly? I really hope this was an April Fool's Day joke that got out of hand, because if not you are sounding greedy and very selfish.

If you really can't find it in your heart to invite her children to the whole shebang, then the only decent thing to do is to insist on paying full going rate for the cake. but of course, that will still leave you 'out of pocket', assuming she is even willing to still do it under those circumstances.

If you had been honest with her at the outset, maybe, just maybe, she would have been ok with it. But to tell her now makes it seem as though you have used her to get a freebie. That really doesn't cast you in a good light at all.

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 01:32:47

YABU

You can't afford to buy a cake or have children at the wedding but you can afford 60 quid per head?

YABU

Have a BBQ or dinner at the pub if that's what you can afford.

CandyCrushed Tue 02-Apr-13 01:46:18

I think it is ok shock. You are being consistant. However, I would make sure that cake making Aunt is given lots of lots of thanks for making the cake. Perhaps you coud give her an extra nice family oriented present. ( maybe you could arrange a kid friendly day out). You could explain that you would love to invite the kids but can't as there are too many. It is perfectly reasonably.

YANBU

Have a great day thanks

glossyflower Tue 02-Apr-13 09:02:03

Just to add , for my wedding, I bought 3 cakes from M&S, pre iced with ribbon, I bought the tiers and my mum made up the tiers and decorated with fresh roses that I also had as part of my bouquet. It took 20 minutes if that to prepare. The cake was your usual sponge and fruit cake and no one knew the difference it was shop bought.. (The flowers we bought two days before from the wholesaler and made our own button holes and bouquets tying them simply with ribbon).
The whole cake thing cost me less than £80.
Why people would pay £300 plus for a wedding cake that most guests don't care about is beyond me!

Inertia Tue 02-Apr-13 09:56:04

Evening invite for the children ? So what is Aunt supposed to do with her children during the day when the potential babysitters are all at the wedding? Or are you expecting her to make an extra cake for the children to hide in until the evening ?

I hope Sayit is right and this was an April Fool post.

specialknickers Tue 02-Apr-13 09:57:59

Can't you just put a note in with the invite saying that although kids are welcome, it's not a child friendly wedding sadly, and see just who brings theirs?

Thats what we did, some people brought their children, most decided just to have a kid free weekend. Worked out perfectly for us and no hard feelings between the guests either.

CelticPixie Tue 02-Apr-13 10:12:15

I'd invite the children of Aunt simply because she's doing you a huge favour by making your cake. But don't feel bullied into inviting anymore. People are so stupidly precious regarding children and weddings. I have two cousins who fell out because one got married and didn't invite the others kids to their wedding, they ended up not going because they couldn't find childcare. But then looked at Facebook and saw that other children had attended and went apeshit, but these children were the bridesmaids and pageboys and that's why they were there!

WorrySighWorrySigh Tue 02-Apr-13 12:35:13

I find it strange to only invite children if they have a role eg bridesmaids, flower girls & pageboys. To me that would seem like treating children as little better than stage props. Not there for themselves but because they would look nice in the photos.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 02-Apr-13 14:36:57

TBF worry, children who have a role are usually close relatives and/or godchildren so they are there "for themselves" too.

TheRealFellatio Tue 02-Apr-13 14:38:49

The bride and groom have a child? shock

Tsk. How very modern.

ceres Tue 02-Apr-13 14:48:46

"I find it strange to only invite children if they have a role eg bridesmaids, flower girls & pageboys. To me that would seem like treating children as little better than stage props. Not there for themselves but because they would look nice in the photos."

what a strange notion. we had a child free wedding which is absolutely the norm among my family and friends. however our nieces and nephews were invited - again the norm - and were flowergirls and pageboys because they are our nieces and nephews, not because they would look nice in the photos.

i don't tend to accessorise with children.

DontmindifIdo Tue 02-Apr-13 14:50:53

specialknickers - that would be hard to plan for, you'd need to have firm numbers for catering, usually at least a week before - as the OP said it's £60 a head and would be an extra £800 if all the additional DCs come, that's 13 children - paying for 13 people you might or might not need to feed wuold be rather gaulling if they decided to keep the DCs at home with babysitters, plus it'll play havock with her seating plan...

I think no children expect those with a role is fine, and the numbers who would be invited (b&g's dc, 2 DNs and 2 for cake aunt) would be a reasonable number of those in the wedding party.

It also gives a clear answer to the "why are their children allowed but not mine?" because often the answer is "we're not all that close to you, so if you can't get childcare and can't make it, it's not the end of the world, whereas if X can't make it we'd be gutted" or "those children can be trusted to behave, yours are 'challenging' and I don't want to have to shout my vows to be heard over your child shouting that they are bored" - both of which tends to offend more than "because they are a bridesmaid/pageboy"

tiggytape Tue 02-Apr-13 14:56:16

It is fine to have certain children invited as long as it is consistant eg either all nieces and nephews of the B&G or none at all. All babes in arms or none at all etc. People understand that these things are charged per head and cost a fortune. If every child was invited, they'd out number adults at some weddings.

What you can't do though is decide you need to reduce the numbers by 20 and cross off the 20 most annoying children regardless of who they belong too - that is definitely going to create upset.
And you probably cannot ask for a £300 present from the only member of close family whose chidlren are excluded

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 03-Apr-13 07:11:51

Ceres - my comment was in reply to CelticPixie who seemed to be saying that children were at her wedding only because they had a job to do.

There have been more than a few threads on MN over the years where parents have said their DCs are invited to the ceremony (and photoshoot) but not to the reception. I have also come across this in RL.

Pancakeflipper Wed 03-Apr-13 07:39:52

Selecting certain children is fine but I think not selecting the children of a relative who is contributing the cake is a little off and will need to be explained prior to the envelop containing the invite plops onto their doorstep.

But you might have a lovely Aunt who wants a birthday without her children, who won't do cat bum's mouth and pour arsenic in the top tier.

Hallo, if you can find a way, get the kids there, we tried to do this and the row is still going on. We ruined our relationship with several family members and some friends (we had bridesmaids but asked for no others)

treaclesoda Wed 03-Apr-13 16:25:49

I'm obviously way out of step with most of mumsnet here but I don't see why this is considered so horribly rude. I've never come across anyone in real life who is offended by being invited to a wedding without their children. Even when I've gone to weddings where some children are there it wouldn't occur to me to be offended that my own children weren't invited.

As I understand from the OP, its not that she asked the aunt to do the cake FOC but that she offered to do it FOC. I don't see why she would assume that by doing so her children would then be invited.

I asked a friend of the family to decorate my wedding cake. She insisted on doing it FOC, as a gift, but she wasn't invited to the wedding, and offering to ice the cake didn't change that. I can't imagine she was expecting an invitation to materialise.

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 03-Apr-13 19:32:42

I think that invitations to friends are different from invitations to family. Children are members of people's families, they arent parcels which can be left at home.

The problem for the OP is that she accepted the gift, the aunt quite possibly knows she is invited. Unfortunately the OP missed the opportunity to discretely say to the aunt that it was going to be a selected children only wedding and that the aunt's children hadnt made the cut.

If the OP had taken the opportunity a few weeks ago she could have made a firm offer to pay for the cake. The aunt could have accepted or declined the offer in full knowledge.

When the invitation drops through the door possibly the aunt is going to be surprised that her children arent on the invitation. She may contact the OP thinking it a mistake. The OP will then have to admit that despite the aunt having already saved the OP a few hundred pounds the OP is looking to save just a little bit more.

DerbyNottsLeicsNightNanny Wed 03-Apr-13 19:39:07

We went to a friends wedding 2yrs ago, our ds then aged 18months was not invited but other (family) children were. We didn't like it but at the end of the day it's the bride & grooms decision. I often wonder how the b&g would feel though if they get a wedding invite that excludes any children that they might have in years to come.....

OhTheConfusion Wed 03-Apr-13 21:41:15

Gosh we did it the opposite way... any cousins under 18 were invited all day and cousins over 18 and therefore not needing a babysitter were asked at night. With the exception of one cousin who is my best friend, she was asked with her DH and DC's (as under 18).

frangipan Fri 05-Apr-13 17:11:39

ok I have a confession.............

frangipan Fri 05-Apr-13 17:11:55

I am cake Aunt.....

raisah Fri 05-Apr-13 17:22:25

Oh dear.........!

Eh? Really?

In that case I would withdraw my offer of the cake, or charge them the equivalent of what a babysitting service would cost for yr 3 DC seeing as its their fault they need sitting.

Pancakeflipper Fri 05-Apr-13 17:29:18

Be the bigger person and make the cake and don't lace with laxatives. If you can afford it.

Not sure if I would accept the invite. I might say "nah, here's your cake, I am off out with my family to celebrate". But that would be churlish.

frangipan Fri 05-Apr-13 17:38:21

Have decided to make the cake anyway, DH has told them we won't be going, they then said my parents could come to the evening do and bring the children over. DH laughed! basically the churlish reply pancakeflipper gave is about the size of it. In my defence I was trying to see it from the other side, I am quite hurt that my DC are the only ones not invited from this side of the family but I was struggling to work out if I was being stupid feeling like that, life is unfair and I can suck that one up. It's my Dads birthday the same day as mine so going to rock it with my family.

Longfufu Fri 05-Apr-13 17:46:12

I think it's best to mention something in person really. Friends of ours are getting marriage a few days after I'm due to give birth. They called us to see if it was a bit ambitious for us to come, but we said that we'd love to come and "life goes on" too then receive an invite stating NO CHILDREN. I can't leave a newborn with someone else so I'm a little upset they didn't mention this before hand and I'm now having to decline. Just be honest and say it's purely a money thing.

I would say you probably need to invite the children of the person making the cake though.

Longfufu Fri 05-Apr-13 17:50:46

Opp's just read the last few posts! frang I can understand why you're upset.

Pancakeflipper Fri 05-Apr-13 17:55:35

Frang - You are saving them even more money now they can cross you and your DH off the list. You are so thoughtful...

Enjoy your day with your family celebrating birthdays. It's a Shane and all rather sad but shove it to one side now. Dont dwell on it and feel sad/bitter. They made a choice about their wedding and you have made a choice too.

Go and have fun with your family.

You can come to my wedding if you bring cake grin <forgets she been married 5years>

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 18:05:08

Well, at least lots of people have said that the b&g are being unreasonable.

I'd find it very hard to resist the temptation to say that as your family aren't invited and you are unable to attend as a result, you have decided to go away to be with your family to celebrate birthdays instead so you are no longer able to make the cake.

GoLadyEdith Fri 05-Apr-13 18:10:48

You will keep your dignity by making the cake yet not turning up. Perhaps you could offer a very fixed window for collecting the cake - don't make it any easier on them by offering to deliver it the day before. wink

DiscoDonkey Fri 05-Apr-13 18:11:43

Your a lovely person for making the cake anyway. They should have been upfront with you from the beginning or at least had the good grace to insist on paying you something for the cake.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 18:11:53

Ohh, I love a reverse AIBU and you did it especially well. The clever MN'ers not me nearly always spot reverse AIBU'S

I think the bride and groom SHOULD have mentioned that your kids were not invited much much earlier and they should NOT have accepted the offer for you to bake the cake without letting you know the kids were not invited, however, their reasons for not inviting the kids are perfectly reasonably.

It is a bit of a shitty situation really and I can't see how it can be remedied without upset.

To be honest, I am not sure what I would do if I were you. I think I may go but I would tell them that I think they were rude to accept the offer of the cake without letting you know about the kids. I may also do what you are doing and just have a fab time with your Dad and family. Perhaps your Dh could jut attend the ceremony so there is not too much drama.

I guess it would depend on how the couple behave the rest of the time.

Have fun doing the cake. It is very nice of you to do it.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 18:13:04

inertias suggestion is very plausible hmm.

DiscoDonkey Fri 05-Apr-13 18:16:23

I have no issue with the bride and groom not having everyone's children there BUT when someone is doing you such a massive favour you don't think to yourself "oh well rather than offending lots of people we'll just offend the one person saving us £300"

Pancakeflipper Fri 05-Apr-13 18:20:14

I wonder if B&G will realise what a blurgh situation this is especially as your DH has said you are not attending and either extend the invite to your children for the wedding or say that they will get the cake sorted elsewhere. Cos otherwise every time they see their wedding photos with your cake there and you not there - they will wince.

I think making the cake is an almost lovely revenge, there`ll be lots of hmm when people ask who made the cake and they have to explain `Aunty but shes not here as we wouldnt have their children here` hopefully they`ll be very very blush As pancake says, they will wince forever at that.

Have a great day with your family.

Yama Fri 05-Apr-13 18:47:52

I really, really, really hope Frangipan's niece reads this.

I'm with your dh. Have a lovely birthday.

Toasttoppers Fri 05-Apr-13 18:49:00

Best reverse Aibu I have seen, so you are not mean at all you are actually very wonderful. I think what your doing is a good idea.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 18:50:41

(. Just to clarify that my hmm in response to inertias post was not at all meant to look like I was being sarcastic. I meant that your her was a good one smile )

Toasttoppers Fri 05-Apr-13 18:52:37

You need to name change to CakeAunt

OhTheConfusion Fri 05-Apr-13 18:53:12

I think you are a very generous Aunt!

Have your or your DH's sibling (ie. Parent of the bride or groom) said anything?

Poor you. What utter tits!

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 05-Apr-13 19:00:36

frangipan. Please, please PLEASE let me know if you would like help designing the cake. I am sure I could come up with some unsuitable ideas. grin

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 19:08:52

If only you had some kind of icing embossing stamp that you could use to create a pattern all over the cake, reading "This was a gift from Frangipan".

Trouble is you have to do a good job as it's your business.

Hard to believe your relatives could be so mean - they've stitched you up for a cake, saved the cost of your family's meals, and made sure that you can't do anything without seeming petty.

I would send the bride this link as a warning don't piss off your cake maker!

CrapBag Fri 05-Apr-13 20:47:04

Wow. Never spotted that reverse.

You are a far bigger person than I am so good on you.

I hope everyone comments on the cake and they are forced to explain to everyone. How shit of them. At least you know that everyone here agrees with you.

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