AIBU to throttle DD???!!

(467 Posts)
matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 21:41:22

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

Backstory: DD is 4 years old, and she and her sister have received (too) many Easter eggs from school, family friends, various well-meaning relatives etc. Both had a Creme egg for a treat after dinner, and the rest of their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/eaten by me (seriously, there are a lot).

I come downstairs to get DD up for bathtime, and she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers. There was chocolate in little bits all over the floor, some of which melted and it took ages to clean up. angry

When asked about it, DD lied to my face that it wasn't her, but eventually fessed up (her sister is innocent in this affair). I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week. DH is a bit of a softy, and reckons being shouted at and sent to bed was punishment enough.

DH thinks this is too harsh; my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade-off---snuck into Easter eggs, Mummy shouted a bit, but she still got chocolate. MN thoughts please??

essexmumma Sun 31-Mar-13 21:46:42

I think going to bed and being told off is enough tbh. I'm not soft on my DD's at all and am always told I expect too much / am too strict but taking all her eggs?? I think that's far too much.

She is little, she sneaked some extra chocolate and tried to cover her tracks - no big deal. I think she is just being 4.

Annunziata Sun 31-Mar-13 21:49:33

She is 4. Far, far too harsh. She's just overexcited, not sneaky or greedy.

RubixCube Sun 31-Mar-13 21:50:00

Little kids are like this unfortunely.I have to hide kids eggs on top of cupboard as i know my 4year wouldn't be able to help herself.I think you have already punished her with no bath and story so i do agree with you dh

Sharptic Sun 31-Mar-13 21:50:19

I don't think she deserves any more punishment.

All those eggs are temptation enough for anyone, never mind a 4 yr old. It sounds as though she got the message that she misbehaved, leave it at that.

AllThatGlistens Sun 31-Mar-13 21:52:23

She's 4, that's still v v young for such a harsh punishment! Being sent to bed crying without a story is more than enough to make your point to her sad

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 21:52:55

I know she has to learn and you weren't unreasonable to pick her up on it, but being so angry and doing all those things to her is a bit OTT IMO.

Your DH isn't being soft, he understands this is only a 4 YO.

She was technically the things you call her, sneaky/greedy/liar, but they're such huge concepts to weight round a small childs neck, try not to define her as those things or you might find you'll have a self fulfilling prophecy on your hands.

WorraLiberty Sun 31-Mar-13 21:54:37

I think she's had punishment enough.

When you say she was allowed one creme egg after dinner, what that all the chocolate she was allowed to eat today?

Iaintdunnuffink Sun 31-Mar-13 21:56:55

Sneaking, greed and lying to your face! She's 4 and shouldn't have done it but she's 4. To go bat shit crazy sounds OTT, you can be firm and discipline whilst still remaining calm and rational.

NumericalMum Sun 31-Mar-13 21:57:00

she is 4? That seemed extremely harsh to me. And you are still angry a few hours later. Do you have anger issues? Have you thought of counselling?

gordyslovesheep Sun 31-Mar-13 21:57:06

she's 4 - she's little, I think you are over reacting

Phantomteadrinker Sun 31-Mar-13 21:59:45

Yabu, she's 4, it's Easter and she's surrounded by chocolate. Tell her off for fibbing but I think anything else is ott

macdoodle Sun 31-Mar-13 21:59:46

she's 4 sad

LadyWidmerpool Sun 31-Mar-13 22:01:49

I think you went OTT and if you had let your DD have more fun with her eggs today this could all have been avoided. There's no excuse to go 'batshit crazy' at a 4 year old. Do you do this often? Maybe she lied to you because she's scared of you.

midastouch Sun 31-Mar-13 22:02:02

I think thats a little harsh at 4 years old its still very young, my DS 3.9 started munching away on his easter egg for breakfast without even asking, i let him finish a bit off and put it out of his site. I wouldnt be able to resist chocolate infront of my face like that how can i expect DCs to. Ive never let my DCs cry in bed even when DS smashed my laptop screen on purpose!

RunningAgain Sun 31-Mar-13 22:02:52

You sound like you were rather nasty to her, op. I feel sorry for your little 4 year old girl. Horrible behaviour by you tbh sad.

SecretLindtBunny Sun 31-Mar-13 22:04:34

Remove 2 from her haul and give them to the one they were nicked off or eat them yourself, and let her know that the reason she is losing them is she took two that did not belong to her.

threesypeesy Sun 31-Mar-13 22:04:40

Oh that's harsh going she's only 4!! It's Easter,she's excited and its only chocolate no harm done

It's YOUR job to hide the eggs

Willpower and understanding patience are not known qualities in 4 year olds you daft bat wink

Stepissue Sun 31-Mar-13 22:06:12

She's 4, I feel sorry for the poor thing sad

FeijoaVodkaAndCheezels Sun 31-Mar-13 22:06:29

Lets buy little kids lots and lots of chocolate. Because yeah, that's always going to end well.

I think the punishment so far was appropriate, but no more than that.

I think this may be a unanimous AIBU!

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sun 31-Mar-13 22:09:59

She is 4. FOUR. It's her first real Easter. Cut the kid a break!! I don't know how you stopped yourself laughing tbh.

... and I'm the one normally advocating more 70's parenting and less of this liberal childcentric shit grin

What's the point in pushing and pushing and pushing for the truth then not calmly discussing it with her, but going ballistic WTF is she going to learn from that - to lie better? Calm down and rethink your parenting strategy with regards to 'the truth' and discussion v going ballistic.

Floggingmolly Sun 31-Mar-13 22:11:46

Oh ffs! If you hadn't controlled access to the fecking eggs in the first place, she mightn't have felt the need to do it behind your back. One creme egg on Easter Sunday?
So many threads about the evil poison that are Easter eggs at the moment...
It's just chocolate.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Sun 31-Mar-13 22:12:07

I am a frequent lurker and very occasional poster, but feel moved to say that your reaction to a childish misdemeanour is shocking and truly horrible. It is your behaviour that needs focussing on not hers. It's never appropriate to go 'batshit crazy' at your child and not even regret it afterwards.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 22:13:01

YABU.
She is very young and still learning.

You sound like you well and truly lost it - which is worrying.

Signet2012 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:13:13

Aww. sad

feels bad for the 4 year old as I've just done a similar thing at 30

KateShmate Sun 31-Mar-13 22:13:50

I don't understand the last bit of your OP - 'my worry is that she will see it as a not a bad trade off... mummy shouted a bit' ?
Well, you've already said that you've gone 'batshit crazy' at her, so that's not just 'shouting a bit' is it?

It's Easter for goodness sake, maybe you shouldn't have left them out in her reach?! Leaving a 4YO unattended with numerous easter eggs probably isn't the best idea - she was clearly down there a while to get into those 5 different eggs!
The way that you say she is 'greedy, sneaky and a liar' is really not nice, and I think you should be pretty ashamed of the way that you are describing your 4YO for eating chocolate ...

HumphreyCobbler Sun 31-Mar-13 22:14:42

sneaky and greedy?sad I just think she is four and wanted some more chocolate.

you are really overreacting to this. Of course your DH is right.

Startail Sun 31-Mar-13 22:17:19

4 is old enough, just to know not to eat others chocolate and old enough to start understanding that lying is not appreciated. You will have to explain this many times, DD2 took to about 10 to understand that lying made things worse.

I certainly would have shouted (DD1 still remembers coping it for stealing my birthday chocolate).

She should give her sister what she ate. No point in no ipad, extended punishments cause DCs to focus on how mean mummy is not why they are in trouble.

Corygal Sun 31-Mar-13 22:17:27

Tbh, she's probably eaten enough chocolate for some time anyway, so no more Easter eggs is fine, in my view.

Banning the other stuff might be a bit OTT - the sight of others enjoying their eggs (what's left of them) will be a lesson to remember. She does need to learn not to steal, especially to that extent, and it sounds like she will.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 31-Mar-13 22:18:06

the punishement she has got is more than enough, im sure she will remember you going batshit crazy more than she would being banned from the ipad. she is 4, and this is small fry. overreaction on your part i think.

TheEasterBunnyVsTheKids Sun 31-Mar-13 22:18:22

Your poor dd sad

4 years old and has witnessed mummy going "batshit crazy" over a bit of Easter egg.

I feel very sorry for her, and for her future memories of Easter. YADBVVVU.

FWIW we have lots of chocolate here too. The DCs have had a pretty free run today food wise as we've had ILs all day so I did a buffet. Their eggs are in the spare fridge, and though i would like them to ask me before going and helping themselves, they are just kids at Easter, and if they get the opportunity to squeeze a bit more in, they will.

I hope after crying herself to sleep your dd is happier tomorrow. You owe her an apology and a big cuddle IMO.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 22:18:59

She's 4. And there is good developmental evidence to say that she is behaving exactly as most 4 years olds behave.

At 4 is all about short term gain and egocentric behaviour sad

InSearchOfPerfection Sun 31-Mar-13 22:21:06

I can see how you think she has been sneaky (She went behind your back to eat chocolate she knew she wasn't suppose to eat) and a liar (she said she hadn't eaten the chocolate). And that she is 'greedy' as she wanted more chocolate (but then remember you are planning to it anyway hmm).

However, you are talking about a 4yo here which means:

1- instant punishment works BEST rather than something done later on (ie a week with no ipad)
2- if this was her punishment, you should have told her at the time not tomorrow morning when she gets up (there will be no relation to the 'crime') + it will only show how resentful you are when she thought thinsg were now settled.
3- if this is your punishment for eating chocolate wo being allowed to, what on earth are you going to do when she is doing something much more serious such as .. hitting her dsibling?

Itsaboatjack Sun 31-Mar-13 22:21:07

My dd2 is 3, yesterday I found her hiding under the table with a cupcake that she'd taken and her sister's Easter egg that she had climbed up onto the kitchen counter and got into the cupboard to get. She spent a little time on the naughty step but she still got her eggs today, and was just asked to give half of one to her sister to replace what she had taken.

I was cross with her, but far from frothing at the mouth and wanting to throttle her.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 22:21:21

Its easter sunday and you allowed your 4yo 1 single cream egg?

I'd call that being mean and stingey... no wonder she went sneaking after the others.

TBH, you're being completely unreasonable, and if you leave the eggs where a 4yo can get to them then you have only yourself to blame, a 4yo still has issues with impulse control.. my own dd is only 4 and while i have rationed her eggs, she'd had at least 1/4 of one over the day after she'd eaten lunch and dinner.. and i put the rest OUT OF REACH.

By all means, tell her off.. but your reaction was way, way over the top.

If my DD had done it, yes i'd have been angry, yes i would have told her off... but she would still have got her bath and been put to bed, and i wouldnt be fuming about it 4hrs later.. i'd be LAUGHING.

get a grip and get over yourself.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 31-Mar-13 22:21:34

"Cried for ages now asleep"

And you worry that she won't see that as a bad trade off?

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:30

Other posters have said its too harsh etc but OP I think you should do 2 things now 1) look at how this could have been handled differently and 2) act on what you can do differently.

Firstly in my humble opinion I think you should maybe have been a bit more generous with the eggs in the first place and if not allowed to eat more than a measly creme egg you should have explained what the plan is with them for the next week etc. you could have made cakes or something to use some up. Put them completely out of tempted hands.

Secondly talking rather than batshit shouting would get your dd to realise what she had done wrong far me effectively, without being sent to bed with no bath and story etc.

It also strikes me how quick you are to act upon and Know the other child was completely innocent. I would reconsider this especially if the other child was their and if they are older. I would expect the other sibling to at least try to stop this or let you know what the other child was doing. That is of course if they are older.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:55

oh, and leaving her to cry herself to sleep is verging on evil.. its just chocolate ffs.

Cuddlydragon Sun 31-Mar-13 22:23:48

oh dear, as others have said above, "batshit crazy" to a 4 year old, over chocolate that you left within reach? I think I might lie to you to, if going batshit crazy was the consequence. You've punished her far too harshly already. Would your DH support you in addressing your anger issues, or is he afraid of you to? You sound quite abusive tbh, did you mean to? sad

CheeseStrawWars Sun 31-Mar-13 22:24:34

Four hours later and you're still frothing at the mouth?

"their haul of Easter eggs are living in the kitchen to be dished out as appropriate over the next year/ eaten by me "

"she has opened and eaten parts of five eggs, two of which she knew were not hers "

But you eat her eggs...? Can you see the "unfairness" of punishing her for something you do? Perhaps she was trying to eat all the eggs before you ate them for her?! (I get that there are a lot of eggs, but try and see it from a 4 year old's perspective...)

CharmingCats Sun 31-Mar-13 22:24:43

I agree that you have made your point. She knows that what she did has made you angry. Tomorrow is a new day for both of you. Put the eggs away tonight, so that they are not the first thing you both see in the morning. Do your normal morning routine tomorrow and after breakfast, ask her what happened with the eggs. Then ask her what you think you all need to do about it. You don't want her to eat too much in one go, but she can have a little treat every couple of days (or whatever you feel reasonable). She may well suggest hiding them in a special tin or something.
The main thing is to draw a line under this evening for both of you and agree with her in language she can understand how it will be avoided.

StuntGirl Sun 31-Mar-13 22:24:50

I know this part wasn't your fault OP but I'm astounded at the amount of chocolate some small children seem to be getting. 'Just a small easter egg' is fine in theory, until everyone and their dog buys them 'just a small one'.

I would give two of her eggs to her sister as punishment for eating her sisters eggs and leave it at that. The ipad is unrelated to this incident, I doubt she'd understand the connection.

NonnoMum Sun 31-Mar-13 22:25:40

Please don't talk about throttling a four year old...

Even if it was some sort of joke...

harassedandherbug Sun 31-Mar-13 22:26:46

She cried herself to sleep and four hours later you're still frothing at the mouth?! Your poor dd, and massive over reaction from you. She's just 4, she's tiny.

YABVVU

this thread makes me sad. sad

CharmingCats Sun 31-Mar-13 22:27:23

I like the idea of making something with the choc. Perhaps you could do that together?

macdoodle Sun 31-Mar-13 22:27:23

My children have eaten a LOT of chocolate today. Tonight I will put them out of sight and let them have them as and when. I do sometimes lose it with my DD2 (5), but I always feel terrible after, and calm down and talk about what happened and if neccessary apologise for losing it. I never let her cry herself to sleep thats just mean at that age.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 22:28:31

its nothing new though stunt, i'm in my 30s and i remember getting at least 5-10 eggs each easter, or more on occasion when i was little.

I also remember the first year my mom gave us free reign over them i actually made myself sick!

insanityscratching Sun 31-Mar-13 22:28:51

Awful behaviour..... on your part. Your dd is only 4 what she did is pretty typical for four you should know better.

midastouch Sun 31-Mar-13 22:29:10

Have you got something going on thats caused you to be so angry about such a trivial thing really, to be fuming and still so long after?
I think you also need to remember that at 4 your DD will quite possilby remember crying herself to sleep for eating easter eggs. My dad wasnt the most pleasant of people putting it mildly although we did have nice times all i can remember is the times he shouted smacked etc....

HallelujahHeisRisen Sun 31-Mar-13 22:29:41

what do you expect from a four year old left unattended with chocolate? they are not known for their impulse control.

your punishment was far too harsh. explaining why taking someone else's egg is not right and swapping two of her whole eggs for eaten ones, plus four minutes of time out would have been enough for a four year old. leaving her to cry in bed was horrible.

Smudging Sun 31-Mar-13 22:31:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 22:34:29

Most, if not all, parents have reacted in an OTT way in relation to the 'crime' at some point.

But usually, when they're in bed asleep and you've had time to cool down, you realise the mistake you've made and redouble your efforts to keep calm and in control, resolving to try and tackle it more effectively the next time.

But you're still rabid after four hours.

Did your parents come down on you like a ton of bricks for similar things matchpoint?

Because it's really not good to be so angry at a small child that you want to crush them.

Would you still feel that anger if you went and looked at her while she was asleep? I know when I've had a bad day with mine, seeing them so angelic and sleeping peacefully can reset things so you can start afresh the next day.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 22:34:57

There are eggs all over my house, my dd has eaten far less than me, she had a pack of starburst and 2 ricecrispie cakes. Although she is slightly older, I do think a gorge on Easter, if sweets are left u regulated is totally forgivable.

I agree way too much given these days. I asked a friend today not to give my dd an egg as she has too much and I hadn't bought for her kids. I felt mean but at the same time, but I do t want to get into the habit of buying eggs for friends.

Bridgetbidet Sun 31-Mar-13 22:35:59

God I think it's sad. This one and the one yesterday where the little boy nicked some crisps and was dipping his beans in his drinks.

I just think it's horrible where you come across children being labelled sly, sneaky, greedy and other nasty labels because they've misbehaved. They've done something naughty, it's not something intrinsically bad in their personality. I wonder how these children are going to grow up viewing themselves, it's very sad.

Me too Norks and I hope she isn't treating one child as the golden one and the other as the scapegoat/ always naughty. Sounds like she's labelled them to me and they will pick up on it as they get older.

I'd also be learning how to lie better to my Mum, if she reacted like that from now on.

One creme egg only on Easter Sunday? Seriously?

My son is 4 and I would have done an immediate punishment only but I wouldn't still sound this angry hours later. That seems bizarre to me. She's a child.

Please do not extend the punishments into tomorrow, especially if she cried herself to sleep sad Forgive her and let her feel hugged, loved and accepted. Especially if she is sorry and has said sorry to you. Move on from this, do not make her have to re-live it for days to come or mention it again. Let it go.

Stepissue Sun 31-Mar-13 22:36:59

Agent - that's a very good point. Would take a hard heart not to melt and do some reflecting after watching them sleep smile

whattodoo Sun 31-Mar-13 22:37:03

I remember doing something similar when I was a couple of years older than your DD.

I also remember that my SM reacted similarly to the way you have.

Her words still sting me now.

MartinScorsassy Sun 31-Mar-13 22:37:06

Calling your 4 year old a sneaky, greedy liar. sad

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 22:37:51

I can sympathise with you somewhat, OP. I remember a very similiar incident when my son was a child...I remember the chocolate all around his face and the how he insisted it wasn't him that had eaten all his brother's eggs. I was so angry too....and shouted a loud "get to your room now!" A few minutes later my DH and I were laughing about it, though we were sure not to let him see that when 5 minutes later we let him come downstairs again.

Going off topic a little but that very son, now an adult, has been through such terrible times and suffered a great deal in life...how silly that I once made such a big deal over a bit of chocolate. Though it's nice to know 'chocolategate' is one of those incidents we now remember (with him) and laugh about.

It's a bit upsetting to hear that 4 hours later you are still angry though. But I hope by now you feel calmer and your little girl is all forgiven.

Oh, just realised she is 4???!!!! A bit harsh do you think???

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 22:37:52

She ate a bit of five eggs. Of course she did. And you lot have all so far been Unreasonable because none of you have commented on the fact that all the eggs were covered in shiny, shimmery, beautiful different coloured paper. The sort of paper that is absolutely irresistible to four year old girls. I bet she hardly ate any of the bloody chocolate.

Why on earth didn't you hide the eggs in the garden, round the house and turn the day into a fun time with a choccy fest. They would have eaten what they wanted, had loads of fun and the eggs would lie forgotten in the kitchen. We used to pile ours in the fruit bowl and they stayed there for weeks.

I hope you are OK OP and I hope you and dd have a better day tomorrow and that you mete out no more punishments.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 22:39:17

That's a lovely suggestion agent, I tend to do the same if I've been feeling the slightest frustrated with dd, just that peacefulness of sleep can either trigger the guilt needed to start a fresh or realisation at how innocent an dependent youre small child is.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 22:39:39

it was my 4yos bday the other week, and for a week prior i left a bag of presents in the windowsill. Of course, she got into them and took one under the table and opened it quietly.

Did she know she wasnt to touch them? Of course.. which is why she hid under the table to do it.

Whos fault was it? It was mine and Dh's for leaving temptation in the path of a 3/4yo and expecting her not to cave.

Yes she was told off, she got 4 minutes in time out and we moved the rest of the presents.

What happened her OP was no different, you massively, massively over-reacted and its YOUR FAULT for leaving them in reach and not expecting her to try to get into them.

fluffypillow Sun 31-Mar-13 22:42:07

Poor little girl sad I feel really sad for her.

YOU were completely unreasonable, and unkind.

I can't believe you only let her have one creme egg on Easter Sunday, when she knew she had all those eggs given to her............way too harsh.

I think you owe her a big cuddle in the morning, and ffs let her have her eggs back. You can limit them to so much at a time, but they are hers, and she made a mistake.................she's FOUR!!!!!!!!

Sending a little one to bed crying without a story etc..... after going 'batshit crazy' at her is so wrong.

You don't sound like a very nice Mummy at all sad

littlemisssarcastic Sun 31-Mar-13 22:42:07

AIBU to throttle DD???!!

I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face.

I'm thinking that she gets no more Easter eggs; and also want to ban her from the iPad for the next week.

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

OP, In all honesty, Is your 4 year old afraid of you? This sounds absolutely terrifying for a 4 year old imo, and she hasn't yet realised that you plan to keep up this war against her all week by refusing her the use of the ipad and throwing all of her easter eggs away. sad

It doesn't sound like Easter is a time for much celebrating in your house.

I don't much think it matters whether you throw her easter eggs away now anyway. Your DD probably wont enjoy them anymore anyway.

What a horrible horrible ending to a day that should be filled with happiness. sad And all over a few bites of chocolate. sad

I think it is ironic that you expect a level of self control in your 4 year old that you cannot even achieve yourself. hmm

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 22:43:54

I think it is ironic that you expect a level of self control in your 4 year old that you cannot even achieve yourself.

this

I think YANBU actually - OH made a good suggestion which is take the eggs away for a week. That way shes not having stuff taken from her but she can appreciate that actions have consequences.

I think a lot of people on here are being very soft. She's 4 - old enough to know better. She still stole, lied and was greedy - the punishment should be explained to her calmly though. Shouting is rarely the answer.

theQuibbler Sun 31-Mar-13 22:44:54

Yes you are being unreasonable. What an unpleasant way to talk about a 4 yr old, or any child really. Your punishment is inappropriate to the 'crime', and whilst we all lose it as parents sometimes - it really is best to realise that is not the best way to behave and try to do better.

As I have read on mumsnet - the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. I doubt you want her to think of herself as a sneaky, greedy liar. And if you do? Well, you shouldn't.

BsshBossh Sun 31-Mar-13 22:45:10

YABU. You definitely overreacted. Why did you limit her to a single creme egg? No wonder she hunted them down. You should have hid them better. Looks like you've blamed her for getting too many Easter Eggs. Poor little girl!

Note: If she was 2/3 it would be different...

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:12

ffs she didnt steal anything, she opened her own eggs which her mother has spent the whole day withholding.

If she's anything like my little girl she's probably spent the day asking for them and wondering why she's not allowed her own stuff.

I expect the two she opened that weren't hers were probably opened because they were attractive and she got carried away.

The fact the child LIED about it says to me she was trying to avoid getting into trouble and knew she was about to have her mother go 'batshit crazy' at her..

that a 4yo has already learned to LIE to avoid getting shouted at is very, very sad! sad

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:20

But theseventh would an apology and return of the eggs to who ever they belonged to from the dds own not be enough. It really is not punishable once the child has been berated to such an extent.

I dont disagree a reasoned and measured response, If the parent feels that is justified, i personally wouldn't punish, but can see acceptable if others chose to, but to treat a four year old like that is always UR.

HumphreyCobbler Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:22

it is the level of anger displayed by the OP that is particularly upsetting

TheSeventhHorcrux, the OP suggested taking the eggs away for good, not just for a week.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:46

I do see why you punished her, its frustrating to be lied to constantly when you know whats gone on trust me with 3 dc i know. but you sound like you totally flipped out on an over excited 4 year old. and anyone who titles their post to throttle their 4 year old is going to get told their UR i think. horrible turn of phrase and unnecessary

MajaBiene Sun 31-Mar-13 22:50:35

Take a deep breath and remind yourself she is four!

However angry you were (about chocolate eggs ffs!) not sure how you can have left her to cry herself to sleep confused

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 22:50:37

Shall we all really hope that the OP read the first dozen messages and is now snuggled up with her dd, snuffling into her hair and reassuring her how much she loves her.

We all make mistakes as parents remembers screaming at ds when he lied about sweets at about five or six and yelling at dd when with a friend she indelibly markered all over a dolls house and bedroom wall when she was five. Two occasions when I went batshit but at nearly 15 and 18 they seem to have turned out OK.

Bridgetbidet Sun 31-Mar-13 22:51:36

And how can she be told off for taking eggs which 'aren't hers' when you're going to do exactly the same thing OP, taking her eggs and eating them yourself?

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 22:52:35

I know why you might say that fluffy, but I don't want the OP to think she's a Bad Mummy just because she lost it a bit.

Fucking hell, I'm overly pretty controlled, and even I've behaved in ways I know weren't up to scratch in the parenting manual.

Same as if you fall off the wagon drinking alcohol/dieting/spending less cash, just dust yourself down and try again tomorrow - as well as looking at what was it about the situation that made you so angry.

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Sun 31-Mar-13 22:52:58

really... they were her eggs. they were given to her.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 22:54:32

It is your behaviour that is the issue here.

MintChocCh1p Sun 31-Mar-13 22:56:35

You sound horrible sad

It's no biggie is it? 4 years old? Blimey.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:56:56

You sent your child to bed and let herself cry herself to sleep hmm

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 22:57:28

DS: now mum before you go batshit
Me: Are you saying I go batshit
DS: Well yeh but it's funny
Me: FFS
DS: But you know that if we'd talked about me using your credit card it would have taken ages and then you would have given in so I saved you the time and trouble of arguing with me.

It's eggs OP. Eggs. Deal with it because it gets much much worse and mine are good teenagers in the scheme of things.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 22:57:46

...always nice to come back and see you've been mauled! Hazards of posting in AIBU, I suppose.

Yes, they had one creme egg today. I am very strict with both my DDs sugar intake, as they have inherited their father's shit teeth. Maybe this is "mean and stingy", but I want to reduce the risk of decay as much as I can.

NumericalMum-no I have not considered counselling. Thanks for your concern.

MrsSham-I know other DD is innocent as she was upstairs the entire time. She can't be in two places at once.

Dontsteponthemomeraths-I love how you think I scapegoat one child and the other is the golden one. Can you tell me how you reached that stunning conclusion from one post?

MintChocCh1p Sun 31-Mar-13 22:58:54

I've had a look at your other posts.

You have form for being harsh, over bearing and controlling from what I can make out.

You deserved your mauling i think.

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:18

Awww, can't you take anything posters have said on board matchpoint?

Can you at least acknowledge you might have been a bit harsh with the little lass?

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:43

Have you forgiven her though OP?

fluffypillow Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:55

agentzigzag I just read my post back, and thought I shouldn't have written that. You are right. I got a bit too emotional about it blush

I just hated the tone of the OP, and felt sad for the little girl sad I don't like to think of any child going to bed so upset and worried.

MajaBiene Sun 31-Mar-13 23:00:26

If you weren't going to let her have her Easter eggs, you should have got rid of them completely or put them well out of sight/reach.

Taking all her Easter eggs off her and leaving them within reach but forbidding her to have them is too much for a little child.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 23:01:08

Are you still frothing?

You don't appear to have any regrets about your behaviour, although perhaps you just aren't admitting them to us.

Ah, it is one of those!

OP: AIBU?
THE WHOLE OF MN : YABU
OP: no I'm not

confused

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:01:23

your last post there is very defensive - look, just admit, you fucked up, give the poor wee soul a cuddle and a bloody easter egg for breakfast

If you are that worried about her teeth, just get her to clean them afterwards - sorted.

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:06

'Innocent'? Seriously? She took a little chocolate. Poor child.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:17

OP you cannot absorb what everyone is saying, it seems. Can you imagine for a minute that perhaps you were wrong, or went a bit too far? Or does suspending the idea that you are In The Right feel impossible, even for a moment?

It might be useful to open your mind here, rather than go on the attack against particular posters.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:20

Tootles off to make DS a cuppa with two buttered matzos and DD a Hot choc before going to bed grin. They've hardly touched their eggs today. Mummy mug me wink. But I still luffs them - ds is busy visiting another world - something to do with the computer.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:49

And do you think OP you can take any of the positive, supportive or me constructive suggestions? maybe difficult in such a harsh thread but I do think you have maybe picked just a few of the easier to justify comments.

I was rather hoping you would come back with an honest explanation and realisation about your reaction, I do hope you can find the support and honesty with your self that you need to re look at your base reactions and behaviour. But sadly not.

AllThatGlistens Sun 31-Mar-13 23:02:51

AIBU?

Yes.

No I'm not!

Look, we've all overreacted at times, and it's easy to get defensive when you're criticised but honestly, she's just 4 yrs old, your anger and reaction is disproportionate to what she did, she's still so very little sad

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 31-Mar-13 23:03:53

Leave the OP to it. She'll be someone's MIL one day.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 23:04:30

More not me constructive grin

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:05:35

I knew what you meant fluff, because looking in from the outside of the OPs situation I feel a pull for her DD too, but I know things can get a bit out of hand for lots of reasons (like the way you were treated when you were a child etc).

It's not the best reply from the OP though, which suggests she's still very angry about it.

yaimee Sun 31-Mar-13 23:05:45

It's pretty rare that you cone across 4 pages of unanimous yabu on mumsnet.
Take it on board op.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:19

we have all overreacted at times, and i still do. but at least i have the good grace to hold my hands up and say ok i was a cock but i know how to deal with it better and make things right. from the tone of your message you arent going to

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:22

you ration sweets? no wonder she opened them as soon as your back was turned.

my friends mom rationed sweets and chocolate because she was worried about their teeth... as soon as she came to my house to play she was in our fridge, she stole from sweet shops, spent all her dinner money on crap on the way home from school and she became bulimic.

have fun with that in a few years.

Ra88 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:28

She is 4 FFS!

vivizone Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:29

Will you apologies to your daughter tomorrow? she must be feeling so sad.

macdoodle Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:36

Its the frothing 4 hours later that got me.
I must admit to being a shouty mummy sad but usually regret it very quickly

Mumsyblouse Sun 31-Mar-13 23:07:36

My food and treats were very rationed as a child, it hasn't made me more sensible with chocolate or sweets, I just stuff them in now (that fear they will go away/disappear/be eaten by someone else). I agree with everyone that children should be able to manage their own Easter egg hoard by 4 (or at least have a couple of eggs to scoff). You tried to control her, and she just couldn't.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:08:20

Yes, I can have taken the positive, supportive, constructive suggestions on board-although slightly hard to find among the dogpiling. "Tomorrow is a new day".

Hard not to go on the attack yourself, when you yourself have been attacked on the basis of one post-"abusive" "controlling" "scapegoating one child". If you're going to say something like that, then you should be able to justify it.

LingDiLong Sun 31-Mar-13 23:08:46

Oh, I'm with Agent ZigZag here - agree with all her posts. God knows, I've gone 'batshit crazy' over stuff that I shouldn't have before now. But usually I regret it once they're in bed and I've got the distance I need to gain some perspective.

Please don't take all her eggs away and confiscate the Ipad, you will turn a moment of madness on her part into a long, long running source of upset and friction for both of you. I think she needs to give her sister some of her own eggs to compensate for eating those that weren't hers but otherwise she's been punished enough I reckon. And yes, hide the rest of the eggs. 4 year olds have very poor impulse control - as you have discovered!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 31-Mar-13 23:10:11

I think you need to listen OP, I know it is hard to take a flaming but you did ask.

Tomorrow is a whole new day!

Graceparkhill Sun 31-Mar-13 23:10:41

Can you inherit bad teeth?

vivizone Sun 31-Mar-13 23:10:49

Also giving your child a bath at night is not a treat. It's not fair to send her to bed withholding a bath as punishment.

I hope you can have a talk with her tomorrow and spend the whole day cuddling.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sun 31-Mar-13 23:11:20

X-posted with you OP!

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 23:11:34

everything in moderation, and the rules ought to go out of the window on easter sunday, xmas day and birthdays.

you have another 362 days of the year to be tight over the sweets.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 23:11:40

On a positive note, I would recommend that you take a moment to download and read this leaflet on "Keeping your cool".

Seriously.

pollyblue Sun 31-Mar-13 23:11:56

I've got 4 yo twins - one of whom is a bit of a handful at times - but i've never carried a punishment over to the next day.

Tell them off, withdraw a treat/bedtime story or whathaveyou/ask them to say sorry then that's it. Bed, kiss, cuddle as usual. It's not worth the upset to drag things out when they're so small, especially for something like this - it's not like she deliberately electrocuted the goldfish......

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:11

Yes - you are right, tomorrow is a new day - I would start it with an apology for your daughter - poor little mite going to bed in tears sad They say never sleep on an argument.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:30

Oh my days. YES, you can inherit bad teeth. No wonder British teeth is the joke of the world.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:50

Sheesh, unreal. Poor kid. Yabu in so many ways but mainly in making your 4 year old child feel as if she has comitted the crime of the century by sneaking down and eating some easter eggs when you had so generously given her a creme egg. Apologise to her in the morning for your ridiculously ott behaviour, I bloody well would

Mumsyblouse Sun 31-Mar-13 23:12:57

By the way, if you are concerned about her teeth, the best thing would have been to let her stuff her face today, then wait a while, then clean the teeth, then hide the rest for a repeat a bit later. Eating small amounts over a longer period would cover the teeth with sugar for longer.

That's what our dentist tells us, anyway!

My brother stole my prize easter egg from school and hid the bits down the sofa. He turned out ok. Go easy on a four year old who was eating her own eggs anyway

Flojobunny Sun 31-Mar-13 23:13:09

OP, I was beginning to feel sorry for you when everyone was telling you YABU and was trying to think of a positive in the situation but after your last post its clear you want to focus on the negative, and still angry, and spoiling for a fight.
I guess 4 yo's aren't very good at arguing, you got bored of "NO" so sent her to bed and came here to row instead.

LAlady Sun 31-Mar-13 23:13:32

She's 4. It's Easter Sunday hmm

macdoodle Sun 31-Mar-13 23:13:35

Seriously, you're going to make this about teeth? confused

pollyblue Sun 31-Mar-13 23:14:11

Grace yes i think weak enamel, and therefore a tendencies to cavities/wear and tear despite good dental hygiene, can be inherited

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 23:14:19

So have you taken the constructive posts on board, OP? Because those posts all reflected how OTT you'd been, too.

Don't get hung up on trying to chisel out the most attacking posts on here, because it really does make you seem like you're just trying to dodge the real issue.

Which is you were too harsh with your little daughter. Tomorrow is a new day, but only if you can admit that you were wrong.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 23:14:32

I can understand that OP, but I think you would have done your self justice in commenting on these. I too think many comments where harsh but some of us attempted to give you some suggestions to move forward and they seem to have fallen on deaf ears, I'm glad you see tomorrow as a new day, I do hope if your anger and control is a general problem you do get support with it. If its not then yes we do all over react at times but we need to resolve it. Good luck OP.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 23:15:47

And if you are still cross about the lying, this video clip might help you put your child's fibbing into some perspective.

I really hope you take the time to look.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:15:57

To clarify: helpful suggestions have been taken on board.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 23:16:11

she wont, the op can't see that this is a mess entirely of her own making and i feel sorry for her poor little girl who will probably spend the next week being reminded of how she is a 'sneaky, greedy, liar'

ProcessYellowC Sun 31-Mar-13 23:16:37

Why are you still so angry?

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:16:56

It is difficult to hear things you either don't want to hear or know aren't true.

But this isn't about you OP, or what other posters think about you, it's about not (and I don't mean this in a dramatic way) fucking your DD up so she'll loathe herself as a sneaky, greedy liar when she's older, because that's what you've taught her she is.

The long term effect a parents behaviour can have on a child usually keeps a good check on the parent keeping things in perspective, most have one eye on the future and try to predict what effect their influence will have.

Trying to teach them the important shit without humiliating, demeaning or crushing them in the process is bloody tricky, and you can't know whether you've done it until it's too late, which is why it's best to err on the side of caution.

gostraighttojail Sun 31-Mar-13 23:17:13

YABVVVU hmm

And the title of your thread is disgraceful.

SirBoobAlot Sun 31-Mar-13 23:18:40

She's FOUR. Don't be such an idiot. You shouldn't have left the chocolate in eyesight.

Banning her from the ipad for a week is bloody ridiculous. You sent her to bed crying, with no story - punishment enough for a four year old. Way too harsh in my books anyway.

MajaBiene Sun 31-Mar-13 23:19:24

Look OP, she's a very little girl who got overexcited about her Easter eggs, which she wasn't allowed to have - the temptation was too much and she did something naughty. She was frightened about your reaction and so she compounded the naughtiness by lying. All not good.

If she was mine she would have got a telling off and had to help clear up the mess. Maybe I would have taken away the rest of the eggs if I didn't approve of chocolate anyway.

The punishment certainly wouldn't have been ongoing, and wouldn't have involved a child sobbing for ages until they fell asleep. Never go to bed on bad terms.

You over-reacted. In the morning reassure her that you love her, and drop the whole thing.

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 23:19:26

I think I'd rather have bad teeth than be throttled!

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:19:41

The OP posting is a good thing isn't it?

She was asking whether this was reasonable, if she didn't have an inkling it might have been then she wouldn't have asked.

LineRunner Sun 31-Mar-13 23:22:42

I really think the most unusual thing here is to still be frothing after four hours. And to use that thread title after four hours. I appreciate that you suspect this is not reasonable.

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 23:22:47

Yes, they had one creme egg today. I am very strict with both my DDs sugar intake, as they have inherited their father's shit teeth. Maybe this is "mean and stingy", but I want to reduce the risk of decay as much as I can.

Seriously, isn't having a little sugar more often far MORE damaging to teeth than a lot altogether followed by a good brushing. At least that is what a dentist told me. I think your DD read the dentist's manual and has it right!! smile

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:22:53

Wanting to throttle someone is a pretty minor and often used term where I hark from.

Usually used in a light-hearted way with a twinkle in your eye or a <tsk>

Mumsyblouse Sun 31-Mar-13 23:23:34

And, little children do lie. It's a process of learning to be truthful- which is usually encouraged by praise for being truthful, not terror/fear of getting into worse trouble. My seven year old now knows not to lie even if she is in trouble, but at 4 she told whoppers all the time (indeed her fantasy life was such that it was hard to know what was real and what wasn't at this age). But it does come right though.

I said 'I hoped you weren't.'

I was the scapegoat growing up and was always being shouted at. After reading about your massive over reaction, it reminded me of my Father quite frankly.

Off to bed, I hope you took the constructive stuff on board, you still sound angry to me and I truly hope your DD feels loved tomorrow.

Floggingmolly Sun 31-Mar-13 23:25:02

Your whole op hinges on the fact that she knew they weren't hers to eat!.
She stole her sister's eggs!!
Can't you see the irony, op? They're not yours either, yet you're planning to scoff them yourself, to save your children's teeth... It's once a year, their teeth will not rot if they have chocolate on Easter Sunday.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 31-Mar-13 23:26:12

Erosion of tooth enamel is far far easier to fix than erosion of self esteem, self image and self confidence.

Your children may grow up to have beautiful teeth, but if all they see when they look at their own reflections are greedy selfish liars, then their teeth will be the least of their problems, regardless of how rotten their teeth may turn out to be.

I can't believe you care more for their teeth than you do about their self image. sad

jjazz Sun 31-Mar-13 23:27:46

I agree with previous posters- you are way over the top. First Easter she gets to be really involved in. I am another one "normally advocating more 70's parenting and less of this liberal childcentric shit big style" but you have massively over reacted here.
Guessing you like an over the top- clean tidy kitchen uncluttered with shiny packaging tempting YOU to eat too much chocolate. Sounds like me 10 yrs ago - one divorce later and I am not like this any more but do see it in others occasionaliy.
Sent to bed in tears and shouted at- especially for lying is more than enough punishing.
Do you have favouritism issues with your 2 daughters btw- reads like you do...
Oh and if she is 4 does she really need an ipod..?

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:27:58

Sadly, a very good and perceptive post LMS.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:28:22

"Erosion of tooth enamel is far far easier to fix than erosion of self esteem, self image and self confidence. "

^^ that

MsMarple Sun 31-Mar-13 23:28:57

It does seem twisted to be mad at her for 'stealing' eggs, when you have stolen hers. Imagine how you'd feel if, say, your husband confiscated a box of chocolates from you, condescended to let you eat one, then put them on a shelf where you could see them but told you not to eat them as he was going to decide when you could have another, and then eat the rest himself?? I totally understand where your DD is coming from!

If you want to protect her teeth next year, why not tell people in advance that you don't want DCs to have sugar so people can buy them something else instead if they want to? DS has some chocolate, but also tshirts, stickers, little toys and magazines which he loves. I'm happy, he's happy, rellies happy too.

Okay, I'll take on board that your 4yo took five eggs , two of which she knew did not belong to her. Are you sure she knew they weren't hers? If they were all in the cupboard or wherever?

But what I noted about your post was that you were planning to dish them out (fine) or eat them yourself.
So in effect you are going to steal your child's eggs.

The thing that you've been lambasting her about shock. But I don't suppose you'll leave a mess , so that's okay, huh?

When my DS was about 7 he managed to pinch some After Eights from the top cupboard (very athletic child)

I knew he had taken them. I hadn't. DH doesn't eat chocolate. DD was too little.
He denied it.
I found wrappers in his room that he didn't hide.
I told him I was more cross about the lying than the stealing.

He has never repeated it. He knew I was disapointed in him.
I can leave sweets and cakes, he'll ask but he knows what he's allowed.He doesn't steal.

It's Easter Sunday. The build up to today. The chocolate on display for weeks.
One scabby cremeegg.
sad

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 31-Mar-13 23:30:42

I think you over reacted and I have a just turned 5 year old who has eaten what she considers a mountain of chocolate but in truth a cadburys bar today.

I would feel very guilty if she had cried herself to sleep instead if a nice cuddly bedtime story.

Hopasholic Sun 31-Mar-13 23:31:08

FFS
Really? God help you.

Asheth Sun 31-Mar-13 23:31:58

My DS is 4. He's spent all day eating chocolate, hasn't eaten any dinner and has tried to steal his siblings eggs. And I couldn't care less. It's Easter! One day of the year. He's not like this the rest of the time. And in terms of teeth, it might be better to have one day of gluttony than chocolate every day for the next month(s)

olgaga Sun 31-Mar-13 23:32:26

Oh dear.

Your little 4 year old had temptation put right there in her way, made a perfectly natural choice to help herself, and was too frightened of her scary batshit crazy mum to own up.

For goodness sake, give her a break. In the morning, give her a big cuddle, and forget about any more "punishment" (torture more like).

Listen to your DH.

And get some help, it sounds like you need it.

how you'd feel if, say, your husband confiscated a box of chocolates from you, condescended to let you eat one, then put them on a shelf where you could see them but told you not to eat them as he was going to decide when you could have another, and then eat the rest himself??

??? Really? You know that the rules are different for adults, right?

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:40:16

OK, right.

First of all, "Too frightened of her scary batshit crazy mum to own up" is one way of looking at it. And I'm certainly not discounting it. May I also offer another perspective? There's also "Lying to get out of trouble" which is something all children do (yes all children-even yours), and it is Not OK. I do not want my DDs thinking it is acceptable to lie to my face.

Secondly, if you have seen even a fraction of the pain, misery and expense my DH has been through with his teeth you'd be pretty anal about sugar intake and good dental hygiene too. I'll take my chances with low self-esteem and bulimia.

Thirdly, "eaten by me" was said in jest. Clearly, that didn't come across in my OP.

A better 'punishment' for want of a better word would have been to ask/tell your DD to clear up the chocolate fragments with a brushpan and shovel to let her be aware that all actions have consequences.
"Five minutes of tardiness on your side should not have to result in 30 minutes of work on my side"

Then a cuddle, teeth brushed and bed.

midastouch Sun 31-Mar-13 23:41:36

Rationing sweets is the worst thing you can do i didnt have a coa cola or twix until i was 13 and started going to sweet shops and spending all my pocket money on everything i wasnt allowed, i ended up with 2 fillings 2 years later. Everything in moderation, and make sure they brush there teeth! And to be honest i think a creme egg is worse for her teeth than half an egg would have been

MajaBiene Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:33

She shouldn't have taken the eggs or lied, you shouldn't have left the eggs in sight/reach or gone batshit and sent her to bed crying.

In her defence though, she is four. You are an adult.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:50

OP you are still justifying your actions.

scottishtablet Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:50

I really, really hope you are joking about bulimia. It is a horrendous disease (which, by the way, often ruins a sufferer's teeth). What would you have felt like if your mother would have treated you the way you have treated your daughter?

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:53

" I'll take my chances with low self-esteem and bulimia" Vile

SirBoobAlot Sun 31-Mar-13 23:44:53

"I'll take my chances with low self-esteem and bulimia."

Nice. Real nice.

You know that low self-esteem tends to lead to binge eating, and bulimia to tooth loss, right?

Right - you asked for our thoughts and you got em. Listen to your DH.

Her memories of this Easter will be you shouting and her crying herself to sleep. Nice one OP. Lets focus on hoe shit British teeth are because that appears to be what concerns you the most.

What worries me is that i am far from perfect, i can shout with the best of them BUT she is a baby, she's 4, not 14. I really worry about how the hell you are going to react to minor issues with her when she's 10 and 11 and really pushing your buttons.

All children lie.
My DS is furious because I can tell when he lies (I have always been able to lie)
It's little things.
"Have you brought your coat home"
"Yes"
"Have you"
"Yes"
"You haven't"
"OK""

It's done sometimes before they think.
I tell him (apart from the fact I CAN tell, he needs a damned good memory to be a liar- which he doesn't have"

DD on the other hand never lies.
It's gone from
"Did you hit your brother"
"Yes I did"

To "What do you think of this dress"
"It doesn't look good on you"
She's 11 yo.
Brutal.

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 31-Mar-13 23:46:20

She

Is

Only

4

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:47:09

I would have loved to have made DD clean up the mess she made. Unfortunately as it was strewn about everywhere in tiny pieces, some of it partially melted, and lots under furniture, it was unfeasible. She would have made an even bigger mess.

LineRunner Sun 31-Mar-13 23:47:17

But matchpoint, if all children lie to get out of trouble, why should yours need to be different? Why is it not ok for your child to do something that you say all children do?

My DD has been through years of painful orthodontic work by the way. A congenital condition. Nothing to do with easter eggs when she had her first teeth. I always thought that my role was not to fuss and judge and criticise and tell her 'where she got it from' but to arrange the treatment and hold her hand throughout it till we came out the other side.

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 31-Mar-13 23:47:33

Her baby teeth will thank you but apart from building lovely tooth fairy castles they will have fuck all to do with her adult teeth.

Happy Easter

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 31-Mar-13 23:47:52

I think you seem quite cruel and lacking in compassion. I think you should have counselling for your dd's sake, but it seems that you refuse to believe there is anything wrong. Poor kid.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:48:02

Yes, I am well aware of the effects of bulimia on teeth.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:48:40

It should have been something along these lines

"who ate these eggs"
"not me mummy"
hmm its not nice to tell lies - you have made me feel sad now because a) you told me a lie and b) you have damaged these eggs which weren't yours. If you want to have some chocolate, you should ask mummy. All said in stern voice. Then business as normal - she is four. FOUR

Nirvana1999 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:48:40

Pain and misery with bad teeth... I think pain and misery witnessing a batshit crazy mother is worse.

Poor little thing crying herself to sleep. Never go to bed on an argument. I've had mine sobbing into their pillows before and regardless of what they've done I go in give them a hug tell them I love them and that's it forgotten. My youngest is 6, she's been eating away at her eggs constantly all day, I told her a few times to go easy etc but it's Easter, she's excited, she's never had so much chocolate in one go. Who cares.

Oh dear...this is getting worse

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 23:49:21

Looks like we'll see your daughter on the ever-continuing Stately Homes thread in about twenty years then, OP. Or less.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 31-Mar-13 23:49:36

I'll take my chances with low self-esteem and bulimia.

So you really are more concerned right now about your children's teeth than you are about their self esteem.

Oh my good god!! I am wasting my 'breath' on this thread, and I am speechless tbh, which is quite unusual for me. shock

I have nothing to add that I can say without getting incredibly angry at you OP. You can't see what you are doing, but by the time you do see it, it will be too late to fix it. You silly silly woman!!!

That should be "I've always been able to tell when he lies " but I told horrendous whoppers as a child so Freudian Slip there.

TurnipCake Sun 31-Mar-13 23:50:27

OP, I think the behaviour that needs a long hard look at is yours. Batshit crazy, really?

It must be hard to read some of the responses on here, but you're digging yourself a deeper hole now.

For a four year old to cry themselves to sleep is deeply saddening to read. The rot that will set in will be to her sense of self worth, teeth will be the least of her problems.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 23:50:35

i have shit teeth, they're inherited.. i brush twice daily, i use mouthwash.. so far i have about 3 fillings per molar, a root canal and have lost another 7 to overcrowding, abcess and impaction.

Please dont lecture me about 'pain and expense' over bad teeth!

I still dont treat my kids like shit over easter eggs.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 31-Mar-13 23:52:01

This is absolutely horrible - I seriously suggest that you speak to the health visitor or similar to get some assistance with how to deal with situations like this and put matters in perspective.

You also need some advice on oral hygiene too - much better to have an amount of chocolate or sugary foods in a short period than to be drip feeding them over the course of a week etc.

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:52:06

Well, that's me told.

Only time will tell if I have ruined DDs life. Until then, I won't be fretting too much over it.

Machli Sun 31-Mar-13 23:52:18

You sound like you see your daughter as The Enemy who must be quashed at all costs.

May I suggest you read an author called Alice Miller. She might give you some insight. I sure wish I had read her when my children were tiny.

GreenEggsAndNichts Sun 31-Mar-13 23:52:53

YABU.

I wrote a much longer post but you're obviously not listening. You're in full defensive mode. You clearly think it's totally normal to go batshit crazy on a small person until she cries herself to sleep.

I know bad teeth. I also know she has baby teeth which you are presumably teaching her how to clean thoroughly. Having one day of more chocolate than usual is not going to make her future adult teeth fall out of her head.

But congratulations. We all hope we can make memories with our children on these holidays. She'll certainly remember the Easter mummy lost her shit because she ate more chocolate than she was allocated.

For future infractions (and there will be, with such rigid rules comes the desire to break them) have your shouty reaction if you must, but don't leave the girl to cry herself to sleep. Go up there, tell her she doesn't have her iPad for the rest of the week because she's lied etc, but give her a hug and make sure she knows mummy doesn't hate her. Because that's what she's been left with today.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 23:53:31

you can try and save her baby teeth all you want, but you are putting her adult teeth at risk by not teaching about good hygiene in tandem with MODERATION.

GreenEggsAndNichts Sun 31-Mar-13 23:54:41

You aren't fretting over it? You feel nothing for her, alone in the dark crying herself to sleep.

wow.

biscuit

Bluelightsandsirens Sun 31-Mar-13 23:54:56

Sad sad thread

OP you really have got a mauling here, and I guess the hope is that you might understand that the kind of anger you displayed here and to your 4 year old is very disturbing, damaging and frankly you need to sort it out.
FWIW I have shit teeth I mean TERRIBLE. I crumbled one the other week on, strange coincidence, a cold creme egg.
However, I have very good self esteem and very good body image and I have felt loved and cared for my entire life, and have certainly never been left to cry myself to sleep at night sad. As a direct result I have excellent relationships, a happy marriage and very little anger at the world.
Who cares about teeth? Really?

Nirvana1999 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:55:35

I hope you go j to her room and just give her a hug. I hate the thought of a little one sobbing herself to sleep I really do. In the grand scheme of things was it really that bad? Infact I'm going to give mine a hug anyway. Shitty fucking people in this world.

gymmummy64 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:56:32

So sad. Your DD is 4. Does she go to school? Watch Cbeebies? Go into shops? Easter hype is all around! This is likely to be the first year she has been aware of easter eggs, that some of them are hers and that they are intended for her to eat. There's a very good chance her teacher/head will have ended the term saying 'don't eat too much chocolate!' So so exciting for a 4 yo! Poor lamb only to get one creme egg and have all the rest paraded in front of her with no idea of when or how she would get to eat them. (Sounds like never.)

What would have been good was to have decided what you thought was reasonable - maybe an egg a day for 4 days? 3 eggs on day 1? Small piece of egg each day for a week? Whatever it was, if you had talked to her about it and agreed it then you could (and still can!!) have shared in her excitement but have set boundaries for both of you to operate in. You could have agreed where you would keep the eggs, how to choose which one(s) to open, what time of day etc. Just as exciting for her and you get some control too. Alternatively you could just have had a free for all, but I do get that you wouldn't have been comfortable with that.

Oh, and be realistic. Don't leave masses of chocolate in reach.

Just imagine your DD's surprised joy tomorrow if you wipe the slate clean, agree to forget all about tonight and plan how the rest of the eggy week is going to be done so neither of you get upset. I've often said to my kids that we both need to forget/apologise/do it differently. Sometimes much better lessons to be learned all round from that approach ime than one of us being 'right' and the other being 'wrong'. It's not too late to put it all on a much more positive, controlled and happy footing for both of you and the wonderful thing about 4 year olds is you can do that. Much more difficult when they're older!

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 31-Mar-13 23:56:41

You won't be fretting over the influence you have on your daughters emotional well-being?

Why not? You're her parent.

MajaBiene Sun 31-Mar-13 23:56:49

Poor little girl. OP I hope you are just fronting it out on this thread and have actually taken these comments on board.

MrsSham Sun 31-Mar-13 23:56:50

What a shame sad

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:03

Oh OP, of course one incident of you going "batshit crazy" at your four year old DD isn't going to ruin her life. How ridiculous - please don't think that. Please don't lose any sleep over that - of coures it wont ruin her life. Its a one off incident isn't it???

SirBoobAlot Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:14

You are aware that you can actually work with our children, and not force them to bend to our whims, yes? You don't have to verbally beat them into submission?

You totally over reacted.

Good emotional hygiene is as important, if not more important, than good dental hygiene.

Asheth Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:15

Of course kids lie to get out of trouble. It's normal. And you discipline them appropriately and move on. In this case appropriate discipline would have been no more eggs tonight, helping you clear up and saying sorry to her sister. I'm sorry your DH had trouble with his teeth, but is there any evidence that your DDs have inherited? And if so is it really not better that they have their day chocolate. They give their teeth a good brush. And then no more chocolate for a while. Your method means that they will be eating chocolate every day for ages.

But for today you should accept you've over reacted (no shame in that - most parents do it once in a while) But you seem determined to think that it's ok that a 4 year old cried themselves to sleep over what to most of us seems a fairly trivial matter.

Well that's me told
I won't be fretting about it

MeMeMeMeMeMeMe

I don't swear much but FFS.

I'm leaving this thread.

And OP.
FWIW I was anorexic for many years.

(Different from bulima I never vomited or binged) but I'm sure interlinked.
I'm 46.
It never leaves you. Never

But hey, you take your chances with that eh?

But it won't be you will it.?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:31

Why did you post about it, if you're not bothered?

Fudgemallowdelight Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:33

Do you think you bonded properly with your dd OP? It just isn't normal to be so uncaring about your child.

pollyblue Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:38

If you're 'frothing at the mouth' four hours later over this, i can't wait to see your posts when she hits her teens....

You've made a massive thing about her behaviour, but you can't understand why the posters on here are making a big thing about your behaviour?

CandlestickOlder Sun 31-Mar-13 23:59:02

'I won't be fretting over potentially ruining my DD's life.'

Ugh you are horrid!!

matchpoint Sun 31-Mar-13 23:59:22

"She'll certainly remember the Easter mummy lost her shit because she ate more chocolate than she was allocated."

No. Because she opened five easter eggs, in the knowledge that two did not belong to her. She ate the easter eggs and made a huge mess-showing disrespect to property (which is something we have been having issues with). When asked about it, she lied.

It's a lot bigger than eating more chocolate than allocated.

Maybe I did overreact. But I don't want a repeat of this sorry little episode. Once again, time will tell.

AgentZigzag Sun 31-Mar-13 23:59:27

'Only time will tell if I have ruined DDs life. Until then, I won't be fretting too much over it.'

That's an awful, awful thing to say OP.

Why on earth wouldn't you care if you fucked up your DD up for life?

I took the reason you posted is to get a bit of perspective and maybe swap a few 'I lost it with my DC too' stories so you could calm down.

But you've just said you don't care for your DD and whether you've had a significant negative impact on her, I'm not goading or being sarky, but why did you write the thread?

RunningAgain Sun 31-Mar-13 23:59:51

Just a though op, maybe you could look after your daughters' teeth, and simultaneously build their self-esteem and self confidence? Problem solved smile

LittleBairn Mon 01-Apr-13 00:00:58

I don't have much to add other than fucking hell get a grip.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:01:13

"why did you post about it, if you're not bothered?" I think she was looking for a pat on the back!!

OP - what does your DP/DH say about it?

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:01:36

im with Nirvana... all this is doing is making me want to go and climb in bed with my 4yo dd and cuddle her and tell her how much i love her.

I'm honestly shocked and angry at the OP and her attitude, and i honestly feel genuinely sorry for her DD.

I hope 'soft' daddy makes up some way for the unpleasant attitude of her mother.

CandlestickOlder Mon 01-Apr-13 00:01:43

Did you watch the video Pip posted up thread OP?
Please watch it.

ProcessYellowC Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:00

I have inherited shit teeth. We had very little sweets/chocolate in my house when I was young, not because of dental worries, but two hyperactive brothers. As soon as I was able to buy my own lunch, I would spend all of my lunch money on sweets. Have calmed down now but still have a massive sweet tooth despite the expense and the pain.

My dad was quite shouty, easy to anger and would stay angry. I'd always take my chance with a lie because I'd be in trouble anyways. Yeah your DD had no chance with the evidence strewn around like that, and I'm sure I had similar times but it just meant I had to get better at lying.

And I got really good at it.

Lies I felt a bit bad about in retrospect, but reading your post brings back what it was like to be sent to bed until I fell asleep crying about things I barely understood, and I don't regret my lies now.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:01

sad

I'm sure she'll behave with propriety the next time she sees you.

Nirvana1999 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:01

Why did you post op? Did you think everyone would pat you on the back saying well done?

Jalopeno Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:13

I could cry for your poor DD.

Do you feel any empathy towards her after reading the replies to your op?

matchpoint Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:25

I course I would care if I 'fucked up my DD for life'! Please don't put words in my mouth. But as I said, time will tell. Cross that bridge when I come to it.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:02:48

It's a lot bigger than eating more chocolate than allocated.

UMMM REALLY, ITS NOT. YOU MADE IT BIGGER.

what you did, though, did NOT make it more likely that this won't happen again. In fact it was totally counterproductive.
It was the kind of punishment - lengthy, miserable, out of proportion - that will make her MORE afraid to trust you, MORE afraid of your reaction, and definitely MORE afraid to admit to mistakes in the future - because she knows, now, if she didn't know before, that you will react angrily, harshly and lose control. She will be MORE likely to hide things from you.
That's the effect of this behaviour on your part.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:03:03

I would have hit the roof too, and my DD is three. She knows she's not allowed in the fridge, and, despite the fact she has a bowl with treats and sweets and crap in the fridge, she doesn't take herself off and sneak into it. Because she's been told not to. I would also be furious about the blatant lying. She needs to know that her actions are wrong. Shouting isn't the best way to do it (but we've all been there) but I'm not surprised you're really upset with her.

There is something as well about gluttony which pushes all my buttons, and I'm not sure why. She will pester and pester if we cook to eat the ingredients, to the point of wanting to eat butter on it's own from the block, and it makes me really irrationally upset, I have to sit on myself very hard to not get angry with her. But it's greed and it upsets me in quite a primal way, I'm not sure why.

I wouldn't do the iPad thing, because it's not relevant to what she did and just smacks of random punishment, but I wouldn't let her have any more eggs. She's had her share.

Deep breath. Glass of wine. All will seem brighter in the morning.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 01-Apr-13 00:03:15

Exactly. It's a "sorry little episode" as you say. Not worth upsetting your poor little DD like this.

I really, really hope your posts are just to save face.

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 00:04:09

I'll take my chances with low self-esteem and bulimia.

You wrote a passionate and angry post and others, including me, have responded with their opinions. I must be horrible to feel attacked and I can see what you would want to defend yourself. I admire you for that...I would have run and cried!

However, I think your responses have been quite harsh and the above highlighted statement quite cruel. And I wonder if you have considered the fact that the majority of people think you were OTT and feel for your little girl. Not just for your initial response, but the fact you posted after FOUR hours, the fact that since then you are justifying your actions instead of feeling really bad. I mean I have shouted and got angry at my children, most of us have, but I think when they have gone to bed and peace has descended I have felt really guilty. I have so often wanted to take, less dramatic words and actions than yours, back and just hug them. I don't think I could have any of my children cry themselves to sleep (and believe me I have had some terrible dramas). So I am a little surprised that all these hours afterwards you are still feeling you were correct. It's like you don't yet forgive your baby. I hope I am reading you wrong and you do now regret your actions. I hope you are coming across in print much harsher than you are in RL. And if I am incorrectly interpreting your words, I do apologise.

Thanks again for reponding though.

Cuddlydragon Mon 01-Apr-13 00:04:21

Gosh, only time will tell if you've ruined her life and you'll take your chances on low self esteem and bulimia? I really hope your DH steps up and prioritises your little girls happiness. You seem totally deluded, you're still scaring me. A lot of these posts must be hard to read but they're all pretty consistent OP. please listen and seek advice from your Hv or local sure start. You really do sound as if you need it. Id like to think your DD is in line for big cusdles tomorrow morning but I bet she isn't. Poor kid.

Signet2012 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:04:27

Ffs is this still going on?

She is 4. She was an opportunist, can't say I blame her really! You should have put them out of sight.

One measly creme egg is a bit shit. It's Easter. A creme egg is particularly bad for teeth as its syrupy and sticky!

Yes she shouldn't have lied but massive massive over reaction.

Really quite unnecessary to go on the way you have. The comments you make in reply to posts saying yabu are quite vile.

You sound like a bully to be honest. I'm sure you aren't but that's they way you are coming across.

I think you need to chill the fuck out and eat a mars bar or something.

Oh and leaving a baby to cry themselves to sleep.... That's low. She's only a baby.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:05:02

gluttony? ffs, shes fucking FOUR.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:05:15

It will be a very broken bridge OP sadly and I'm certain your dd will find it to difficult to cross herself.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:05:44

"showing disrespect to property"

Look, i have been flamed and chargrilled on here before and realised i was wrong - you get a lot more respect if you admit it!

I know you feel bad but trying to justify it by telling us just how "bad" your DD is, isn't really doing you any favours. You need to grow up

I think some of he collective upset is a worry that this is not just a one-off 'batshit' moment.
If you can be so angry and so punitive about one small incident, how do you behave when she does something really wrong?

SneezingwakestheJesus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:06:07

I cannot understand people who have this kind of rage over things that really will not matter longterm. If I were you OP, I'd be worrying about what kind of damage these episodes of rage will be having on your daughters mental well being. Because this won't be a one off. I wonder how you treat her when she does something really big hmm

BoringTheBuilder Mon 01-Apr-13 00:06:18

Get help OP

Nirvana1999 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:06:26

Deep breath , glass of and all will seem brighter in the morning

Aye for the op. the poor soul, having to clean up some chocolate off the floor, and wipe the froth from her mouth. How traumatic for her.

matchpoint Mon 01-Apr-13 00:07:24

Don't read too much into the posting after four hours thing, I was busy this evening after 'Easter egg-gate 2013', and didn't have a chance to post until later.

I won't be taking the iPad off her a week (it's not hers, it's a family one). Have cooled down slightly and reconsidered.

Still undecided what to do with what's left of her easter eggs.

HoppinMad Mon 01-Apr-13 00:07:32

Its been more than 6?hours since the easter egg incident and you still sound angry about it. Sorry but thats not normal

Do you have any anger issues generally OP? I mean this in the nicest way. What would your reaction have been if it had been something more serious lied about? You're angry she lied. I can understand you dont want her to form a habit of it, but Its what kids do. Maybe she knew she would be in deep shit if she told the truth as you are so strict about sugar intake.

Fwiw if my dc (3) did that I would be very annoyed but consider it mischievious, not extremely naughty punishable behaviour.

MajaBiene Mon 01-Apr-13 00:07:56

Wow, food issues ahoy in your house Rapunzel!

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:08:18

well, tahts 222 messages and look OP, One person agrees with you - you can go to bed now - you were right hmm

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 01-Apr-13 00:08:43

OP you have understandably had a battering here.

However I agree with MajaBiene in that I hope you are just being obnoxious to 'front' it out, and actually do have the ability to reflect on this and feel remorse.

Just because this thread has become so heated doesn't mean that, should you want to post in the future about difficulty bonding with your DDs, or anger issues, or your own childhood, or anything that's bothering you, you won't find support. If you are honest and have an open mind, support will be here for you.

Good luck, and hug your daughter tomorrow; say sorry you got so cross, and yes, start the day afresh.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:09:16

Can I suggest with the eggs you all make a nice cake or rice crispy cakes or something you can all do and have fun with together.

Nirvana1999 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:09:30

Are you deliberately trying to bait people with your replies? I think you are tbh. Can't you just admit you over reacted?

cheeseandpineapple Mon 01-Apr-13 00:10:23

You do not want your DD to think it is acceptable to lie to your face.

But fine for her to grow up thinking your batshit crazy reaction is acceptable?

As someone who is prone to going batshit crazy from time to time, I want to try and see your perspective but you are deluding yourself. You need to let your husband input more but fuck he must be scared shitless of you too that he couldn't intervene and diffuse the situation.

You massively over reacted and need to tell your daughter that in the morning.

Two wrongs etc or in this case one relatively little wrong from your DD in extenuating circumstances and one massively over the top, fucking scarey wrong from you.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:10:32

That's what I'm saying though matchpoint, it'll be too late by then.

And I can tell you as someone who grew up with a similar mother to what you've described of yourself, it's not possible to escape it without scars.

Most parents worry like fuck about how they're doing as a parent.

I just hope the lack of care you seem to have over your DDs future self is defensiveness against some of the difficult things people have said on your thread.

Fudgemallowdelight Mon 01-Apr-13 00:11:10

I course I would care if I 'fucked up my DD for life'! Please don't put words in my mouth. But as I said, time will tell. Cross that bridge when I come to it.

It'll be far too late then.

essexmumma Mon 01-Apr-13 00:11:47

Wow my first post stated my opinion but you then came back and showed your true colours. Vile!!!

You told her off - get over it. You are expecting too much and to be frank have issues. Time will tell? Yeah it will, because if you don't change your ways, I fear time will tell and she won't like you - just as you appear not to like her. You need help (HV or childrens centre).

I feel so sorry for your children and DH - you sound controlling, obsessive and self righteous.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:11:49

I think trashing five chocolate eggs, spreading the bits all over and stuffing your face is really appalling behaviour, I'm honestly surprised that most people seem to think it's a trifling little, kids will be kids kind of a thing. It's not like sneaking a little bit. I would expect a four year old to have better impulse control that that.

And I get as well why it would be upsetting that some of the things weren't hers. She knew it was her sisters chocolate, but she didn't care. That would upset me too.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 01-Apr-13 00:11:49

Think the only thing missing here is the OP telling us we're all PO <boggles>

MrsDeVere Mon 01-Apr-13 00:12:20

My DS does this sort of thing daily.
Every.single.fecking.day.

Sugar, sweets, biscuits, yogurts, raisins, hot chocolate powder, cake mix, ice cream, peanut butter....

I stopped buying anything but the basics and we lock it up. Nothing stops him.
It is driving me insane.

But he is 10 and has SN.

Your DD is 4 and over excited and you should just get over this and move on.

IMHO

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:13:53

You know.. my kids aren't allowed to 'help themselves' to food either. They have to ask if they want something, but thats because we dont have much money and if they eat it all over the weekend there is nothing nice for them to have the rest of the week.

But on the odd occasion either of them have helped themselves because i've left the biscuit tin out, or some sweets on the side, i dont punish them, i just remind them they're supposed to ask and tell them once its gone, its gone and there wont be any more!

never, ever, ever create angst and issues around food because that way lies eating disorders and future obesity!

OP.. with regards to her eggs.. in your situation i would probably give two to the person who owned the ones she opened, and confiscate the others for 24hours, then resume judicious rationing as per the usual...

I would also apologise for going so mad, explain RATIONALLY why i was upset/disappointed, explain the consequences then give her a kiss, a cuddle and get on with life as normal.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 01-Apr-13 00:14:18

rapunzel - I don't think anyone is saying the behaviour was acceptable. The point is that the OP's reaction was total OTT.

I must say, I find your comment that ^ I would expect a four year old to have better impulse control that that.^ rather ironic

MrsDeVere Mon 01-Apr-13 00:14:33

You would expect a 4 year old to have better impulse control? confused

I am impressed if a 4 year old has a modicum of impulse control. It develops as they do, gradually.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:16:41

I don't think you can expect a 4 year old to have better impulse control if she has only learned what poor impulse control looks like from her mother.

Posterofapombear Mon 01-Apr-13 00:17:39

This whole sorry incident was your fault. You are the adult and you failed.

She is a child and does not have the impulse control, logic, reasoning, grasp of consequence or life experience to control her own behaviour at all times.

This is why parents set sensible boundaries and try to instil good values and behaviour in our children.

We don't get into bar brawls just to upset them. hmm

littlemisssarcastic Mon 01-Apr-13 00:18:17

OP, Why did you allow your DD's to have so many easter eggs in the first place if you then ration them so strictly that a single creme egg on Easter Sunday is all they were allowed to have?

Seems rather cruel to me, to show them the easter eggs, then tell them they are forbidden from eating any, and then to leave the eggs in their reach too??

FWIW, I think your DD's have more self control than you!!

midastouch Mon 01-Apr-13 00:18:53

I have poor impulse control (i blame my mothers stingyness) i could never expect my DS to leave chocolate if he was unattended. You clearly do not agree with over 200 messages i dont know why you posted in AIBU i you didnt want opinions

ShootingStarsss Mon 01-Apr-13 00:19:18

This is a really sad thread hmm
Op you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 01-Apr-13 00:19:20

This one incident won't 'fuck her up for life.'

But if this is how you react to everything, that might.

In all complete honesty, I am not saying you can't shout at your child. I won't even get into that. Leaving her the way you have, though, is what pushes it over the edge. It's unnecessary for the learning process here. She got it when you went 'batshit crazy' on her. Leaving her 5-10 minutes to process that and have a cry is one thing. Leaving her all night to cry herself to sleep over it is what is leading people to question whether or not you might not need someone to talk to about your own issues.

Your posts make it clear you aren't upset over this at all, and that is very sad. My mother used to give me spankings if I lied to her, because that's how she felt she had to maintain discipline. I know she didn't like doing it, though, because I heard her crying over it more than once.

Your lack of emotion over this little girl is what is making everyone want to go hug their own children.

Nirvana1999 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:19:47

At 4 I would think she did know it was wrong but also at the temptation of all that chocolate sitting there waiting to be scoffed was too much especially after only being allowed one measly Creme Egg the whole day.

Big picture op. try looking at it.

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 00:20:07

Rapunzel "gluttony" when talking about a three year old? That is pretty worrying.

LahleeMooloo Mon 01-Apr-13 00:20:10

Doesn't the thought of her crying herself to sleep make you feel sad now you've calmed down? Doesn't it make you want to give her a big hug tomorrow and reassure her that mummy really does love her? It makes me want to do that and she's not even my child!

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:20:38

I just hope that the OP sleeps on this and decides to just let it go now and is nice to her DD tomorrow. I'm worried that this will turn into one of those situations where you see a mother going batshit crazy at a child in public, the mother is taken to task over it or glared at, gets defensive and takes it out on the child further at home sad

OP please, just let it go now - you have been flamed and its not very nice. I would be going to bed and thinking about spending a nice day with your family tomorrow

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:21:09

What about if she'd come downstairs on Christmas eve and ripped open and trashed loads of presents including her sisters things. Would that be equally "kids will be kids"? Or is it different because it's food?

HoppinMad Mon 01-Apr-13 00:21:18

She ate two of her sisters eggs? For the bazillionth time shes FOUR, in all the excitement of chocolate eating heaven she may not have realised they wernt hers. Ffs you are expecting her to behave and have the sense and control of an adult!

A relative of mine was very strict about sugar intake with her boys.
It didnt end well.

CandlestickOlder Mon 01-Apr-13 00:21:30

Is OP a troll?

Rapunzel - those are some serious issues. Get help!

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 00:21:34

I'd be sitting here feeling like absolute crap counting the hours till she woke up and I could say sorry to her and give her a big cuddle. Do you not feel that way OP?

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 00:22:37

No I'd be very angry and sad at that Rapunzel but I hope I would still remember that she is only 4.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 01-Apr-13 00:23:01

Rapunzel How do you expect a 4 year old to have any self control when her mother cannot even control her temper over a few bits of chocolate?

When one of your main role models is going batshit crazy and is still frothing hours and hours later, over a few morsels of chocolate, I wouldn't expect the children to have any self control when that is the example they are being set.

How odd to think the children should have self control when they have probably never seen it demonstrated by their mother. confused

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:23:17

'I think trashing five chocolate eggs, spreading the bits all over and stuffing your face is really appalling behaviour'

It's not appalling at all, naughty maybe, but it doesn't make the child an inherently bad person.

You've admitted you get irrationally upset with your little 3 YO wanting to try different foods.

That's about you, not them.

Baking is all about them eating more ingredients than go in the bowl, it's a time when they can eat bits and bobs they don't normally get, and why would you not want her to see what butter tastes like? confused

You're missing out by taking it too seriously.

Floristneedsaname Mon 01-Apr-13 00:23:25

Honestly?

You sound like a raving lunatic.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:23:30

rapunzel... honestly, in my dd's case, thats why once the presents are out on xmas eve, my kids aren't allowed downstairs unsupervised, because in the excitement i dont expect them to have the ability to resist opening them.

ffs, i'm 32 and i still peek at my presents if i find them blush

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:23:48

I just advance searched, candlestick but it seems both OP and rapunzel are existing posters, must say I thought some sock puppetry maybe but seems not.

moonabove Mon 01-Apr-13 00:25:25

Awful thread. Awful thread title - 'throttle' a 4 year-old? Even as a 'joke' that is repulsive language. I hope, for your family's sake, you are starting to get an inkling of how wrong your behaviour was.

midastouch Mon 01-Apr-13 00:25:27

i got the strop with my DS once when he spilt his cold water on me, i told him off told him to get into bed, got changed and got him a new drink, he was in bed asleep when i got back and i woke him to say sorry id shouted. I felt so guilty! This many hours after you should be feeling very guilty that your DD cried herself to sleep without even a bath and hug goodnight!!!!!

AddictedtoCrunchies Mon 01-Apr-13 00:25:43

I just feel sad that your 4 year old daughter cried herself to sleep. To hell with the rest of it.

No matter what happens here, we always go to bed on a kiss and cuddle. I'm sad for her. sad sad

biscuit

ThreeWheelsGood Mon 01-Apr-13 00:27:03

She is only 4! All of your replies and your OP really don't seem to be taking this into account.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:27:18

Oh do get a life, I've been on mumsnet since I was ttc in 2009.

Sorry the idea that someone doesn't agree with you is so deeply shocking you assume it must be a trick smile

SirBoobAlot Mon 01-Apr-13 00:27:30

Jesus I have poor emotional regulation as part of my mental illness, but between the OP and Rapunzel I'm sounding pretty freaking normal right now.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:27:38

there have been times that i've packed my kids off to bed without a story because of 'bad' behaviour.. but even then i still ALWAYS give them a kiss and a cuddle and make sure there are no tears, because upset children dont sleep well!

OxfordBags Mon 01-Apr-13 00:28:51

OP, all your plans of punishment and what you will do with her remaining eggs, etc., are far, far worse behaviour than anything your very young child did. She is small, with poor impulse control and what you expected from her is simply developmentally if not impossible then extremely difficult. YOU, on the other hand, are a grown adult with proper self-control, understanding, wisdom, pereption, etc., and YOU are finding it nigh on impossible to behave in ways that you surely must know are totally wrong, unfair, bad, etc. You are expecting more from her than you are from yourself. Tell me, do you identify things in her thag you dislike in yourself, things that you were made to feel bad about by your own parents? Forgive the amateur analysis, it's just that everything you wrote about her screams 'TRANSFERENCE ISSUES!!!'.

She messed up some chocolate bloody eggs. You believe that this makes it perfectly alright for you to mess up her sense of self-worth and her bond with you. If you cannot see that how you are behaving towards her is far, far worse than what she did with the eggs, then your family is in a real mess.

And YOU won't face the consequences of your cruel, OTT parenting where you allow yourself to luxuriate in your own issues about not being made a fool of, or whatever it is your DD has been allocated to be your whipping boy for. She will.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:28:54

No I thought the only person who agreed with OP must be Op herself grin

SirBoobAlot Mon 01-Apr-13 00:29:03

And yes, we always ALWAYS make up before bed time. Never go to sleep angry.

whethergirl Mon 01-Apr-13 00:29:04

I wish I hadn't read this thread sad. I keep thinking OP is going to come back and realise that she's been harsh, regret letting her cry to sleep and that she'll make it up to her tomorrow. It's not going to happen is it?

HoppinMad Mon 01-Apr-13 00:29:40

[Sad] just given my dc hugs. I can be very shouty i admit it, but always always regret it afterwards. And that is why i made a promise to myself I would tell dc I love them no matter what every single night, because I may not get a chance to say it again.
Lifes too short OP, your dc will be teenagers before you know it. Teaching them its ok to go crazy over some fucking chocolate is NOT ok. Get your priorities right.

CocacolaMum Mon 01-Apr-13 00:29:51

I am surprised you don't feel even a little bit bad? NO 4 yr old should have to cry themselves to sleep over something so ridiculous as this.

She's still a baby really!!!!!

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:31:03

btw.. if my dh had done what you did, i'd have gone into her room and given her a cuddle and talked to her and settled her down.

That your DH didnt intervene to ensure his little girl didnt cry herself to sleep suggests he's too scared of you to step in.

Nirvana1999 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:31:25

My dd drew over a cream leather sofa with a biro. I was livid, I told her off, she cried and said sorry but she was just trying to draw a pretty picture for her mummy. She had a biro and a blank canvas, the temptation was too much. Same idea with the chocolate, she probably knew deep down somewhere she would be in trouble but didn't quite realise at 4 just what the outcome would be.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:32:47

The OP has said 'Have cooled down slightly and reconsidered.' about the i-whateveritwas whethergirl.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:35:27

I said that I have to sit on myself not to communicate to dd that I find it grim that she constantly agitates for every ingredient that goes in continually. I laugh and give her some - that child has eaten more little sticks of butter than go in the bloody cake. And half the decorations. And yesterday she licked the bowl so effectively she needed to go in the bath she had so much in her hair.

But, inside, I find her constantly saying, can I have a bit, can I have a bit can I have a bit more, upsetting, and I've never been quite sure why, it feels really primal.

A lot of people seem to be desperate to project a whole load of abusive behaviour onto me because I said that I find something grim. I never said I communicated or passed that on to my child.

But I also don't get why there is a massive pile on to the op saying she's an abusive parent over something where she overreacted to some, in my eyes, really naughty behaviour. I'm genuinely surprised that people think it's just a bit cheeky or something.

BoringTheBuilder Mon 01-Apr-13 00:38:02

Does she have adult teeth already than?

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 00:38:13

I wish I hadn't read this thread . I keep thinking OP is going to come back and realise that she's been harsh, regret letting her cry to sleep and that she'll make it up to her tomorrow. It's not going to happen is it?

I so agree. I am the only person here who really feels deeply for the little girl and wants to wake her up for a hug and kiss myself? Maybe I am just being pathetic to feel so deeply from words on a screen, but I just feel really sad for her tonight. As a Foster Carer I know children remember OTT reactions to minor incidents, words said and not regretted, crying and feeling alone, and I just hope in her heart the OP knows that too. But hopefully, hopefully, the OP is not the "harsh" parent that her words suggest.

I have learnt a lot tonight, and I hope the OP has too.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Mon 01-Apr-13 00:38:53

A four year olds house is suddenly full of chocolate. She wasnt allowed some, and then she ate some.

You never ever let a child cry itself to sleep. Poor little girl.

LadyWidmerpool Mon 01-Apr-13 00:39:51

Rapunzel 'Batshit crazy'. Four.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:40:09

Going on and on and on and on and on is what children do best Rapunzel, it'd take a saint to not find that irritating!

All you can do is just keep banging it home to ask nicely and to take no for an answer.

grin at her getting her head in the bowl to have a lick though, s'gotta be done.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:42:15

THe issue with the OP is that she went 'batshit crazy' and was still frothing about it 4hrs later, called her dd a sneaky, greedy liar and.. she let her CRY HERSELF TO SLEEP and is considering continuing the punishment for a whole week.

its totally disproportionate and unkind, and the fact she repeatedly showed no remorse compounded it.

Her daughter is 4, she's still a baby.

olgaga Mon 01-Apr-13 00:42:51

This is the saddest thread I've read here for a while. Honestly OP, you really need to re-evaluate your approach!

It's not often I read threads here and think thank goodness for the DH.

Get a grip. She's 4! You will end up with a child who cannot talk to you about anything for fear of setting you off.

Seriously, listen to yourself:

I went absolutely batshit crazy at her, and I don't feel guilty. She was sneaky, greedy and she lied to my face. She knows better. DD was sent straight to bed, no bath, no story, cried for ages, now asleep.

That's horrible! You sound like you really aren't coping, and need help. In fact your children need help.

I bet you wouldn't show your DH this thread.

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 00:44:12

Yes the sitting there seething and planning punishments is shock. I can be shouty but it lasts about five minutes if that and I always apologise to my dc if I was unfair. I can't not.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:45:11

Rapunzel, read the OP again and her later responses and then read you'r last post and see the difference in measured responses. I don't disagree it was naughty, but what alarms me is OPs behaviour with what has been projected here with absolutely no ability to reflect or regulate her reactions. We all have minor irrational irritations where other people are concerned and even our own dcs are not exempt to them, but how we behave and react to them is crucial.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:45:46

I do all that. smile Honestly, I'm quite perplexed by this, it's a thing that I find irrationally upsetting, yet I'm practically a child abuser with massive food issues, because I admitted it? Even though I don't communicate it to her? I'm honestly not a food issue person, I feel there may be projection going on here.

It was chocolate cake batter as well. I think there was even some up her nose.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:47:15

That isn't what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that actually the difference in how you and how OP have behave are actually very different.

MajaBiene Mon 01-Apr-13 00:47:47

Don't think anyone's said you are a child abuser Rapunzel - it's more your attitude/reaction to your child wanting food being quite extreme.

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 00:48:12

Ah your response was to agent not me. X Post there.

whethergirl Mon 01-Apr-13 00:48:50

Yes exactly AgentZigzag, after 6 hours and countless posts she has only slightly reconsidered - and that was more about the bloody ipad (still obsessing with punishment). I'm sorry, but unless she is feeling regret of going OTT, wanting to make it up to her tomorrow, and feeling quite shitty about this incident then she must have a heart of stone.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 00:50:29

it was your referral to 'gluttony' that got me.

gluttony is the over consumption of food knowingly to the point of extravagance or waste.

a 4yo is not mentally capable of gluttony or greed, and ascribing such a thing to a child incapable of comprehending it isnt very nice.

MsMarple Mon 01-Apr-13 00:51:31

TheSeventhHorcrux "??? Really? You know that the rules are different for adults, right?"

Why? The rules should be treating all people, big or small, with respect. Best advice I ever got was to think whether I would talk to a work colleague in the way I was speaking to my son.

I'm not saying let the child knock herself out with an aisle full of chocolate, but there are better, fairer, ways of managing the situation than the one chosen by the OP.

RapunzelAteMyHamster Mon 01-Apr-13 00:51:48

To me, the post isn't at heart about the food. It's about the child doing something she knew was wrong, taking things she knew weren't hers, trashing the room with chocolate and lying. I can see how all those things, coupled with my (irrational?) dislike of obvious greed would make me go ballistic as well.

I don't know how i would have handled it. I did say to the OP that shouting wasn't ideal. But I think we've all had occasions when we've not behaved brilliantly, and it's taken is a while to calm down, and I just wanted the OP to know that I could see it from her side, calm down chill out and everything will seem better in the morning for everyone. I pretty much stand by that.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 00:52:53

My mum used to have a big thing about lying, but (like other posters have said) because she was so strict and controlling, the humiliation techniques she used to try and make me feel a greedy, sneaky, liar (exactly the same as the OP) just made me lie all the more (and eat a lot less, I felt ashamed because I wanted sweets and things but wasn't allowed them often. If I'd eaten what sweets I'd been given too quickly for her liking, she'd sit me in the middle of the room and I couldn't get down until I'd eaten the rest sad).

I don't accept lying in my own DC, but I do accept that lying is a necessity in everyday life, nobody wants a world where everyone speaks the truth. It wouldn't work.

There are easier ways to learn the basics.

Elderflowergranita Mon 01-Apr-13 00:54:56

I think this is one of the saddest and most worrying threads I've read on Mumsnet.

OP, you still seem to be so angry, and every post reeks of self-justification.

I really hope that you are saving face here with your bullish attitude, and that underneath a little of what almost every poster has said has sunk in.

Please please take the advice given on the thread. I don't think anyone feels that your actions were normal and appropriate. sad

CocacolaMum Mon 01-Apr-13 00:57:48

The fact of the matter is that yes the child lied but if the end result was her mother going "bat shit" then she was probably too bloody scared to tell her the truth.

There aren't any 4 yr old evil geniuses.

WheresMrMonkey Mon 01-Apr-13 00:59:50

Please just give her a hug in the morning and say keys forget about yesterday. This is too sad thinking of her crying to sleep over chocolate at easter

MrsSham Mon 01-Apr-13 01:03:43

I kind of see where you are coming from, I tried to offer some constructive advice, became frustrated it was ignored along with agents. but I do think it irrational to assign greed and gluttony to a child's behaviour. to me it would just be mildly irritating that the child keeps asking, rather than assign it as greed when the child is still learning these limits.

I don't think its inaccurate to compare it to an irrational irritation, though. I'm by no means perfect and do lose my rag, but I like to think I have enough rational thought to see a child's behaviour for what it is and not over inflate it or over react and if I do I also like to think its not too difficult to stand up and say I made a mistake. I wouldn't go ballistic with another adult who displayed a behaviour against my own values so I think its sensible to check myself when I over react to my child's behaviour because I have been pushed a bit.

Its fair to discipline but its not fair to send a child to bed crying and consider further punishment.

the problem with OP that others are highliting is that she has failed to regulate or reflect on her own behaviour, yet expects exactly that from a four year old.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 01-Apr-13 01:04:28

Poor little child crying herself to sleep. OP you are the centre of your child's world. She has probably gone to sleep feeling terrified, alone, unloved. I'm not saying she is those things, I'm saying she probably feels those tthings. I'm sure she was not thinking "good trade, that chocolate was delicious". She is only 4 and she must have been absolutely devastated. I feel desperately sorry for her.
I see you and she are having issues with respect for property. That sounds quite disturbing going by your attitude to the egg eating. Why are you so angry? Do you feel better when you have shouted so much that your child is devastated? Do you dislike her? Do you leave things in reach so you can punish her when she makes a mistake and doesn't respect property? Do you feel any love towards her?

whethergirl Mon 01-Apr-13 01:04:29

Rapunzel fwiw, what you said about the food thing did ring a bell with me. I also hate it when my ds eats out of boredom, or pesters me endlessly for treats when he's had his fair share etc. However, I know why this is. It's because I have food issues (not him). When I think he is being greedy, it's because I hate the greedy part in me.

merryvixen Mon 01-Apr-13 01:04:36

OP I really hope on some level it'll wake you up, seeing yourself reflected in the reactions on here and you will stop the shocking attitude to your lovely and very young child sad.

havingamadmoment Mon 01-Apr-13 01:07:05

This is like the time I found my 4 year old ds had accidentally flooded the bathroom by forgetting to turn the tap off. I went crazyyyyyy for all of about 5 minutes before I suddenly burst out laughing at the fact my two year old had put her Welles on. I apologised to ds we cleaned up and carried on with the day.

You need to realise when you have over reacted.

Rindercella Mon 01-Apr-13 01:20:27

Matchpoint you are wrong on so many levels, it's very worrying.

I really hope your DD wakes up to a massive hug from her father. At least it seems as though one of her parents has some compassion, and also a degree of perspective and reasonableness.

You on the other hand, can sit in your little smug ivory tower with your beautiful pearl-like teeth and congratulate yourself on your marvellous mothering skills.

I said exactly the same on the other thread about a little boy getting berated for putting some beans in his water, but if you get so mad over such a minor transgression, where else do you leave yourself to go when your DD does something really naughty?

hopkinette Mon 01-Apr-13 01:24:55

YANBU. Wanting to strangle a 4 year old for eating chocolate is completely normal and sane.

very sad thread to read sad poor child, I hope her daddy makes up for your attitude op and she does not end up with self esteem issues. It will ruin her life for so long.

A1980 Mon 01-Apr-13 01:50:10

I don't have time to read all this but being shouted st and crying yourself to sleep is already way too much for such a little girl.

She's been a bit naughty. She's not evil.

thezebrawearspurple Mon 01-Apr-13 06:16:45

Poor, poor child. One creme egg on Easter Sunday while having to watch all the other eggs being hidden away 'to be doled out over the next year, eaten by mummy', do you have any idea how controlling and mean you sound? Why couldn't your kids have had a treat of a full easter egg for just one day of the year (just the one, for one day). If you had let them have that one, she wouldn't have been so inclined to have a little taste of all the eggs that you have deprived her of! She wasn't naughty, she was a four year old child responding to a very controlling mothers food issues.

The only consequence of you inflicting your food issues on your kids will be to give them serious issues with food. When she's old enough she'll be binging on sugar because you made such a big deal out of depriving her of it. Hopefully you won't push her toward any more serious eating disorders.

Your reaction to her was abusive and the punishment of her was completely over the top.

YABVVVVVVU, controlling, mean, cruel, bullying, lacking empathy, abusive and in denial about how nasty you were to this innocent child.

I feel very sorry for her having you as a mother. Grow up and sort your own mental issues out, stop abusing your children with them.

sherazade Mon 01-Apr-13 09:15:23

Roughly four hours later and I am still frothing at the mouth.

you need help.

Altinkum Mon 01-Apr-13 09:22:43

I've sat and read this whole thread, and I'm disgusted at the OP, you need to seek help, and address your mahoosive issues, she has baby teeth for a start, those will fall out, so her inherited shit teeth, plays no part in you're atrocious parenting tonight.

She's 4 years of age, I think you're a massive twunt of the highest order to subject a child to this, its hardly the child's fault she inhereted her fathers shit teeth either.

Completely and utterly unreasonable to treat someone this way, let alone a innocent 4 year old.

Diabolical behaviour from a poor excuse of a mother, from looking at your other posts, anger management and parent classes would not go a miss with you!!!!

How do you know at 4 whose teeth they've inherited anyway? It all seems so bizarre.

piratecat Mon 01-Apr-13 09:28:22

just hope dd gets some chocolate today. i think mine is having some for breakfast.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Mon 01-Apr-13 09:32:32

OP please do take a little time to think about what has been said. Your responses are actually making things sound worse than your first post did, because you are so adamant you are right.

The language you are using about your dd is very extreme and not appropriate to the age of your daughter, phrases such as 'disrespect to property'. It isn't that I think she should be allowed to make a huge mess without any thing being said, but part of being three is making mistakes and being shown by a loving parent how to do it the right way.

I hope you will have a major rethink. It is so rare for such a lot of people to all say the same thing, I think you need to take it on board. If you wanted to adopt a kinder parenting style it iaccessible to change your approach/responses without becoming permissive of bad behaviour.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Mon 01-Apr-13 09:36:30

Sorry, she is four! Part of being four is also making mistakes so I stand by what i said above.

Is this an April fool?

countrykitten Mon 01-Apr-13 09:39:43

This thread is frankly shocking. This is a 4 year old little girl. You are clearly a bloody clueless mother and I hope that your DH can compensate for your failings or you are going to thoroughly screw up this child if you have not already damaged her

I feel dreadfully sorry for her. sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 01-Apr-13 09:50:57

MrsSham

Great last paragraph. We all make mistakes. We should be able to reflect on them, and if we can't stop our over reactions, then we need to seek help with our rage.

CheeseStrawWars Mon 01-Apr-13 09:55:37

OP - consider this "As a parent, there are certain things that are guaranteed to push your buttons... Rather than focusing on how you can change your child's behaviour... it is your own attitudes and perceptions rather than your child's behaviour that spark your anger - and these are often based on your own relationship with your parents." Book link

Yes, your child misbehaved, but why could/can you not deal with that calmly? Your reaction was disproportionate to the behaviour. Your DH can see this, most people on this thread can see it. Please take a step back and consider why.

Samu2 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:57:38

This is a wind up, right?

I can't imagine going bat shit crazy at my 4 year old sad

Jesus Christ, OP. You fucked up big time and if overreaction like this is normal for you please get help.

Poor child.

Samu2 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:02:24

And to be angry an hour later?

My 4 year old opened an egg I asked her not to open. Want to know how I dealt with it? "Hey, DD, I asked you not to open that one yet so please put it away and we will open it later"

That was it. No shouting, or making her cry. Just reminding her that I had asked her not to open another one.

What the heck are you going to do when she gets older because trust me, if this makes you this angry you and your kids are going to have a hell of a time of it when they get to the tween/teen stages shock

Fanjounchained Mon 01-Apr-13 10:06:54

When I read the title of this thread I came on here expecting to read about a teenager who had been out all night, drinking, taking drugs, having sex with her boyfriend and inviting friends over to her parent's house and it ended up getting trashed.

Instead I'm reading about a 4yr old girl eating too much chocolate and nicking some from her big sister. Did you never do anything naughty at that age OP ? My two ate their body weight in chocolate yesterday, and are having crème eggs for breakfast again this morning. I know I have my own issues with food (DH "affectionately" calls me a food Nazi as I usually scrutinise everything they eat, but I'm trying to loosen up...) and I'm trying not to pass them on.

The only time I've truly lost my rag with my 5 yr old ds is when he has been really rude, (shouting back at me, telling me I'm annoying him) and within half an hour I've felt like shite and realised that he probably had a point and I was annoying him so I need to regulate my behaviour and reactions before I can expect anything more from him. Hope you've taken on board everything that's been said here OP. You fucked up, but hopefully you realise that. Today is a new day and all that....

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Mon 01-Apr-13 10:08:00

I can't even read this thread. That poor little girl. No story or cuddle, not even a bath! sad sad

YABMoreUThanAlmostAllAIBU'sIHaveSeen.

You seriously need to have a good hard look at your 'parenting skills' or your daughter will be on the Stately Homes thread in fifteen years.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 10:13:19

OP, i sincerely hope that you and DD have had a nice cuddle and a chat this morning, but i think i'm wasting my hopes based on last nights replies.

katecreate Mon 01-Apr-13 10:13:20

It is horrible to read your responses, OP.

My nephew opened a load of easter eggs he wasn't meant to yesterday. Yes, my brother was a little annoyed but he grabbed the camera and now has an funny video to show everyone grin!

I don't understand you reaction. It sounds like you have to be obeyed or you throw a tantrum. Your DD is FOUR. Please listen to the consensus of this thread. If you go 'batshit crazy' over this, what will you do when one of your kids does something really bad, especially when they're older.

MaryPoppinsBag Mon 01-Apr-13 10:13:48

This thread has made me so sad hmm.
I had a mother (and father I guess) who was extremely controlling with food. It has totally and utterly fucked me up. I have been overweight for much of my adult life and I am now obese (just!)

She also went bat shit crazy at me lots. Totally unreasonable and it is only now I'm a parent myself I realise what a nasty piece of work she was. And I actually have to say I don't like her.

I have just been sorting our Easter eggs out so I can chuck the packaging and they are all going into one pot so we can share. Whilst I was doing it my Ds's came up looking hopeful and I gave them some chocolate. I have always been relaxed about food consumption in light of my experience.

My youngest DS is 4 and would not have a clue which eggs weren't his (before they were put in the communal box). And I have had to stop him helping himself when he had most definitely eaten enough chocolate.

I think left in a room with all those eggs it is what a lot of 4 year olds would do. In fact it reminds me of an experiment they did on Child of Time where the children were left with a chocolate cake or cookies or something similar. All the children helped themselves and I think some lied about it too.

I would imagine opening all 5 was done just to get that rush of opening another shiny exciting egg. Which she had been denied!

It's not acceptable behaviour, however, it's what kids do. It is our job as adults to teach them not to in a calm and rational manner.

Buzzardbird Mon 01-Apr-13 10:15:41

How is "not having a bath" a punishment? My soap dodging dd would be delighted at that!
this thread is horrible and has affected and worried all of us with only 1 exception. I am glad that the majority think this is unreasonable.
I dont make an issue with treats and therefore my dd barely touched any chocolate yesterday

Massive over reaction. It's a few easter eggs. She's 4.

And the worst thing is. You don't feel guilty and you don't care. You went batshit crazy and you don't care. Even if it fucks her up for life. You don't care.

Asheth Mon 01-Apr-13 10:21:24

Still thinking about this morning. OP, it's really not normal to be so angry 4 hours later. Most people would be laughing by then "there was chocolate all over her little face, wrappers and crumbs everywhere and she stil denied it!!!" I'd probably have laughed at the time - quite often with my DS's behaviour I stand there wondering whether to laugh or cry! I don't think my DC have ever done anything that's left me angry 4 hours later.

But it's not the over reaction that's bad. It's the fact you still can't see it. And don't be so sure that she will forget it. I still remember a time when my mum over reacted. Looking back I can see that she had competitive parenting issues with the other parent present and this led her to go mad over a very trivial incident. And that is what I remember about my birthday that year - the fact that Mum went crazy and told me she was ashamed of me.

The way you get children to grow up respecting you and other people is to treat them with respect.

How could you bear to shout at a little girl of four and let her cry herself to sleep?

You are setting yourself up for a difficult relationship with your daughter. If you've been behaving in this way towards her all her life, you are establishing your relationship as a battle ground. Why? Why do this?

Perhaps it is just ignorance.

Very sad.

grapelovingweirdo Mon 01-Apr-13 10:34:43

Your poor dd hmm i totally get why you were angry but not why you were SO angry. Hope she wakes up to a hug this morning

Fleecyslippers Mon 01-Apr-13 10:54:07

I hope this thread has been a wake up call for you OP. I can't imagine yours is a particularly happy home if your husband and kids have to walk in eggshells (pardon the pun) just in case you kick off.

landofsoapandglory Mon 01-Apr-13 10:58:40

This is so, so sadsad.

My mother used to go bat shit crazy at me, resulting in me crying myself to sleep on numerous occasions. She, also, used language like greedy, sneaky, liar about me and to me. I am the first to admit, that I am quite messed up now, I have very little confidence and take ages to believe people like meand won't hurt or bully me.

I very much doubt the OP will forget it this morning, she will probably re-enforce to her DD why she went to bed crying last night.sad

soverylucky Mon 01-Apr-13 11:03:31

I had to read and re-read the op. She is 4 not 14. It is what 4 year olds do - test boundaries. Yes she shouldn't have lied to you or eaten something she was told not to but you over reacted big time and your language is worrying. "throttle"....really????

Perhaps you could go to some parenting classes with your dh and look at what is going wrong here for the sake of all of you.

Tethering Mon 01-Apr-13 11:05:39

Op, there are so many different views on MN and so many different approaches to parenting and yet we're all agreed that your reaction was not healthy.

Please, rather than posting on the internet about this issue, talk to someone in RL about it like a counsellor or attend a parenting class.

You're creating a very unhappy atmosphere for everyone including yourself. If you can't or won't learn better techniques for your poor dcs' sakes then do it for yourself. Your motivation may be suspect but they can only benefit from you having a better understanding of why normal children's behaviour is so upsetting to you.

Tethering Mon 01-Apr-13 11:06:29

oops x-posted with soverylucky

MissAnnersley Mon 01-Apr-13 11:07:09

landofsoapandglory - I had a very similar experience to you and it has affected me in a very similar way. My abiding memory of my mum in my childhood was thinking how much she hated me.

I know now she didn't but it's too late and the damage has well and truly been done.

PrettyFlyForAWifi Mon 01-Apr-13 11:08:22

Did you brush her teeth before you sent her to bed sans bath and story, though?

countrykitten Mon 01-Apr-13 11:13:55

landofsoapandglory and MissAnnersley I know exactly where you are coming from. I was hit a great deal too and even though this was very damaging to me it is the brutal emotional abuse that I remember most and the times I was screamed at and I was afraid.

It affects you all of your life but the OP cannot/won't see it.

landofsoapandglory Mon 01-Apr-13 11:14:47

I am the same MissAnnersley.

landofsoapandglory Mon 01-Apr-13 11:15:39

I totally agree, CountryKitten.

seeker Mon 01-Apr-13 11:41:25

And there was no mention of teeth in the OP - just sneakiness, greediness and lies. The teeth thing is sheer post hoc justification.

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 11:48:26

Did you brush her teeth before you sent her to bed sans bath and story, though?

The answer to that one would tell us a whole lot more to the OP's later defence that it was all done to protect her LO's teeth.

Kidsarekids Mon 01-Apr-13 11:53:37

Read all of this last night, what a controlling and nasty person you are! My daughter has a four year old and she could not believe a mother could do that, yes tell her off but ... Really? have you never done anything wrong in your life? What were you doing whilst she was doing all of this? You should be ashamed of yourself!

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 01-Apr-13 11:57:06

When 98% of posters agree you are wrong on an AIBU thread YOU ARE WRONG and no amount of self justification will change that.

- You need to have a damn good think about your serious over reaction
- You need to have a damn good think about your anger issues
- You need to have a damn good think about describing your 4 year old daughter as a greedy, thieving liar
- You need to LISTEN when you are being told your parenting is WAY out of line
- You need to find a local parenting course and do it

...and you need to give her back HER easter eggs.

No one has suggested giving her sweets all day every day, but having more than one creme egg on easter sunday is NOT going to ruin her teeth fgs.

You behaviour is very worrying.

farewellfarewell Mon 01-Apr-13 11:57:32

op I think you should reassess your ideas about 4 year old's motivations. have some compassion and humour. the problem is not your child's. to say you are too harsh is to put it mildly. I think you deserve more credit than you are getting for asking the question though. I have also lost it with my lot many times. don't worry about that now, just try a gentler approach re the reasons your child misbehaved. we have all made mistakes

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 12:06:25

I have also lost it with my lot many times. don't worry about that now, just try a gentler approach re the reasons your child misbehaved. we have all made mistakes

You are so right, farewell. However, I think alarm bells started to ring at the thought the OP could still be so angry 4, 5, 6, 7 hours later and still trying to justify her own behaviour. Yes, most of us have lost it, but I bet 99% of us have then regretted our own behaviour and felt guilty...bet there aren't many mums allowing their LO's to cry themselves to sleep and STILL being angry. That for me is really the worrying part.

This christmas holiday I turned my fiver year old upside down, as you do. A load of quality street fell out of his pockets. He looked a tiny bit guilty. I laughed. Granny laughed. Dh laughed.
Sometimes, they aren't naughty, sneaky, nasty they are just excited children.
Just saying.

Rindercella Mon 01-Apr-13 12:22:39

There's 350 messages on this thread. I think about 330 of them say OP, you are being really, really unreasonable. 15 or so are from the OP, picking up various posters on comments they have made, whilst still trying to justify why she was so angry with her 4 year old child. And the last couple of posts were from someone who thought the OP was sort of right.

What really worries me is that the OP, in the face of all this, does not appear to have taken on board what the overwhelming majority have said. Her arrogance is breathtaking.

Take a look at your own behaviour OP. That is really where all of your problems lie.

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 12:30:52

You could have written about my dd.

I wouldn't be frothing at the mouth 4 hours later.

She hasn't stolen money for crack cocaine.

Chill out, you will face far more worrying times than this.

Posterofapombear Mon 01-Apr-13 12:33:52

My DD had an Easter egg for breakfast today because of this thread. I never want to be anything like the OP.

Rindercella Mon 01-Apr-13 12:42:46

That's funny Pombear - my DDs had exactly the same! And they have the OP to thank for it. grin

microserf Mon 01-Apr-13 12:45:21

This thread makes me so sad. Op, you are completely missing the point so many reasoned posters are trying to make. You really have no clue at all what you are doing to your child.

My mum used to go batshit crazy at me for small infringements. I now live on the other side of the world from her, and she is never left alone with my children the few times she does visit. I never want them to have to deal with that kind of anger. I also remember pretty much all of the horrible things she said to me when she was angry.

My kids also inherited bad teeth. We are usually strictish about sugar but we let them eat whatever they want on Easter Sunday and brushed their teeth afterwards. We then put the eggs in the cupboard to avoid temptation. It is only be day...

ELR Mon 01-Apr-13 12:46:35

You need to take a look at your behaviour and perhaps but yourself to bed to think about it!

harryhausen Mon 01-Apr-13 12:48:30

My god. This thread is so sadhmm

My dcs (my youngest is 5) have had their Easter Eggs today as we were travelling all day yesterday. They've had unlimited acess to them since just after breakfast.

You what they've done? Had a smallish egg each, put unfinished chocolate in a bowl and put it in the fridge for whenever. At 8 and 5. I'm quite proud of themgrin.

I've never limited chocolate (within reason. I don't let them eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinnergrin) as I was never limited as a child. My old flat mate made me think as she was 19, had never been allowed sweets, chocolate or TV. Her adult behaviour? A TV in every room constantly on, sweets and chocolate for every meal and snack in the day, every day.

My dentist has told me chocolate is best for treats as it melts quickly from the teeth and the sugar doesn't 'stick' like sweets or dried fruit.

I'd really like to hug your dd today OP. Poor little lambhmm

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 12:48:38

mine didnt get it for breakfast, i havent unclenched that much to relax my 'no chocolate before lunch' rule. grin

she did get extra with her lunch though!

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 12:59:06

My DD had an Easter egg for breakfast today because of this thread. I never want to be anything like the OP.

Pombear and Rinderella - LOL. Yes, me too. I was clearing up this morning and about to put the remaining chocolate out of sight for a bit. Then I thought of this thread, tipped it all into a big bowl on the table and they are happilly munching their way through it whilst watching Toy Story!!! grin

Did no one read her last response? Hopefully she is now thinking she overeacted after reading all the replies.

'Don't read too much into the posting after four hours thing, I was busy this evening after 'Easter egg-gate 2013', and didn't have a chance to post until later.

I won't be taking the iPad off her a week (it's not hers, it's a family one). Have cooled down slightly and reconsidered.

Still undecided what to do with what's left of her easter eggs.'

sweetmelissa Mon 01-Apr-13 13:13:16

Did no one read her last response? Hopefully she is now thinking she overeacted after reading all the replies. 'Don't read too much into the posting after four hours thing, I was busy this evening after 'Easter egg-gate 2013', and didn't have a chance to post until later.

Yes, hopefully, BBB.

Though I think she totally missed the point about the 4 hours. It wasn't that she POSTED about it after FOUR hours, it was that she was still really ANGRY after FOUR hours.

countrykitten Mon 01-Apr-13 13:18:22

Hardly the climbdown of the century though is it? She still sounds pretty self righteous and just doesn't seem to understand why others are so shocked at her crazy over reaction towards her poor child.

countrykitten Mon 01-Apr-13 13:19:35

Hopefully her dh has stepped in and explained how unreasonable she is but his influence seemed to be rather limited yesterday as she still went crazy at the little girl.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 13:27:29

OP, I think you really have problems with anger and it would be much better for your family if you sought help for that. It sounds as though you were absolutely awful to your daughter and you made a massive deal of something that should have just irritated you.

Your daughter would have been frightened of you. I appreciate you want her to respect you as the adult, but that is very different from her being frightened of you. Have you read the threads on here by women who grew up frightened of their mums? Those women are suffering into adulthood. For your child's sake seek help now.

poppylemons Mon 01-Apr-13 13:36:40

I agree with most of you but to carry on and on and on and on like this surmounts to bullying, I would say. Enough now.

AgentZigzag Mon 01-Apr-13 13:40:33

Genuine and legitimate concern for a small child is not bullying poppy.

And there have been more sad faces than humphy ones.

poppylemons Mon 01-Apr-13 13:42:05

Genuine concern I understand, but there are hundreds of posts all saying pretty much the same thing and you all know that. Why carry on and on.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 01-Apr-13 13:45:18

Because she still doesn't seem to get it That's why.

poppylemons Mon 01-Apr-13 13:45:32

sort of reminds me of continuing to kick someone over and over who was long ago beaten down hmm I think AIBU goes too far too often.