to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?

(181 Posts)
TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 18:53:35

A few things to set the context...

DS is three. I've been quite strict in what he eats - he's only had chocolate a handful of times (and the majority of those times were through nursery slip-ups) and until this year, we hadn't bought him an Easter egg. This is the first time I have actually bought and gave him chocolate.

Right, so this afternoon we went to the in-laws. Everyone knows DS isn't allowed chocolate/junk/etc. When we arrived, MIL and FIL said they'd bought DS an Easter egg - I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it.

Later on, MIL decides to present the Easter egg to DS. I explained to DS that he already had half an Easter egg already today, and he can have the rest of the one we bought him later on when we get home. DS was a bit moany, but wasn't too bothered so I put the egg in my bag. MIL chirps in, asking where the Easter egg is, and said "DS you should say, 'I want my Easter egg!' and stamp your feet. Then Mummy will give it to you" hmm She didn't leave it at that, she started looking around for the Easter egg, continuing to encourage DS to throw a strop and saying "don't listen to Mummy, Grandma said you can have it". She only stopped when her mother gave her a stare and changed the topic to distract DS.

AIBU to think whether or not you agree with my parenting rules, you shouldn't try and show me up in front of DS and encourage him to rebel against me?

ddubsgirl Sun 31-Mar-13 18:56:03

Leave the egg behind

SminkoPinko Sun 31-Mar-13 18:57:33

I think you were out of order to forbid her easter egg giving. And she reacted badly to that and was equally out of order.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 31-Mar-13 18:58:26

Yanbu its not ok to behave like that. But at least her mum gave her the evil eye.

Nanny0gg Sun 31-Mar-13 18:58:28

I don't agree with you, but your DC, your rules. And I would have backed you up until "When we arrived, MIL and FIL said they'd bought DS an Easter egg - I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it. "

She was being silly/rude, but you were rude too. Is that how the two of you usually interact?

Yabu expecting grandparents to not give their 3 year old grandson Easter eggs at Easter (assuming no allergies etc). I was expecting you to say he was 1 given your post - chocolate in moderation won't do him any harm.

YANBU to be pissed off at her reaction and to expect her to respect your rules on when he can eat it.

Overall you are perhaps guilty of being a bit precious but she wins the unreasonable vote for encouraging your ds to have a tantrum when he wasn't bothered.

PuppyMonkey Sun 31-Mar-13 18:59:25

Why should your DH eat it?

Ywbu about the egg in the first place, but she WBU to tell him to ignore you and that she 'over-ruled' you.

Rosa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:08

Thank you ,take it home and then you decide when he eats it.. Simple no?

Inertia Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:29

Yanbu - she shouldn't be undermining you, and she certainly should not encourage him to have a tantrum.

That said, you will probably get a load of replies about how awful DILs are to their MILs, a bit of chocolate won't hurt, etc.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:34

We took the egg home, DS has forgotten about it as he wasn't all that bothered in the first place. It's only when you make a big deal out of something, he thinks it's a big deal too.

Well it's been three years, surely she should know not to get him one? I mean, fair enough she was trying to be "thoughful". But if she was really thoughtful, she'd think we'd appreciate her not getting one. Or she could have got him something else Easted themed, no?

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:54

It sounds like the 3yo was the best behaved out of all of you.

heidihole Sun 31-Mar-13 19:02:08

wow YANBU. Your child, your rules. sminko how on earth is she out of order? She didn't forbid easter egg giving. She accepted it and put it in the bag for later. But anyway if she doesn't wish for her DS to have chocolate/crayons/yoghurt/lego/insert ANYTHING at all then that is 100% up to her and her DH.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:02:32

I know I'm a bit precious over him - there's no denying that. And I am trying to get over myself (hence buying him an Easter egg in the first place).

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:03:17

You were rude in the first place, you should have smiled and said "oh thank you, we already have one on the go that we got him, so he can open this one when that was is finished." then scoffed it yourself tonight

But she was being unreasonable to encourage him to tantrum. I would have called her on it though, something along the lines of "MIL, why are you trying to get him to throw a tantrum? If he does it'll only make everyone miserable."

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:03:35

I totally understand your POV, and of course your MIL was being unreasonable/stupid/childish about the things eh said to your DS and her undermining of you inacceptable.

BUT, and it's something I would not have understood until I became a grandparent myself, one of the greatest joys in life is spoiling your grandchild on days such as Easter. Would it be unreasonable of me to suggest you thanked her and took the Easter Egg away with you, giving your DS a small amount when you thought was best? It maybe seems a silly thing but I would have been SO SO hurt if my grandson's parents did now allow me the luxury of spoiling him by getting an Easter Egg. I am sure sometimes they do not agree with things I buy, but thankfully they always appear grateful and I am happy/in blissful ignorance. Just a thought!

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:04:13

BTW - my MIL is similar on wanting them to eat crap, I thank her for it, then put it away to be saved for after dinner/later in the week etc, she doesn't need to know who actually ends up eating it.

StuntGirl Sun 31-Mar-13 19:04:31

She was out of order. She disagrees with you obviously; but it's not like you've completely vetoed chocolate altogether is it? Could you save the egg and give him small pieces every now and then?

PuppyMonkey Sun 31-Mar-13 19:05:26

She was pissed off you were giving it to your DH when she'd bought it for your DS. Is what I reckon.

StuntGirl Sun 31-Mar-13 19:07:08

Or you could have followed her down the passive aggressive route: "Oh DS isn't grandma being so naughty? She knows you're not allowed chocolate doesn't she. What a silly, mean grandma!" etc.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:07:12

I probably should have lied and accepted it gratefully, in hindsight. Perhaps I was just being too honest. They probably would know I was lying - nothing has changed over the three years, these have always been the rules. I don't know why she'd be offended/shocked/anything else.

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:07:27

I think you were a bit harsh on the egg front, even if its an occasional treat I don't think you should have told MIL you dh was going to scarf it. Even if he did.

I would just have said thanks he's had enough chocolate today ill take it home and he can have it another time..

However she shouldn't have done all that nonsense either.

So YABU and YANBU

thezebrawearspurple Sun 31-Mar-13 19:07:55

Grandparents like indulging far too much, the best way to deal with it is to accept the easter eggs and eat them yourself, giving toddler a small bit. yanbu though, it's annoying and disrespectful when people try to over rule you.

Kiriwawa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:20

Why have you forbidden his grandparents from buying him easter eggs? That's really mean of you sad

You sound massively PFB tbh

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:21

Haha - yes I think that would have been the best response StuntGirl but not sure I'd have the guts to pull that one off with DH, FIL, FIL's mother and MIL's mother in the room too!

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:08:42

She was pissed off you were giving it to your DH when she'd bought it for your DS. Is what I reckon.

Yes, I think you are right...I have to say had I been the MIL I would have been too. Of course as a parent you are 100% in control, but a thank you and he can have it later/in the coming days would have been a lovely thing for you to say, inspite of your views.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:10:16

I was joking when I said to them that DH would eat it, they could have kept it and scoffed it themselves for all I care...

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:24

But if I lied and said he'd have it later, surely they'd see through it? Or it would provoke a discussion about whether we'd changed the 'rules'? In which case, I'd have to admit that I was lying in the first place?!

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:24

YANBU to think that encouraging a tantrum was wrong but you were very rude to respond as you did in the first place. So it is difficult to know whether your MIL's behaviour was a direct response to your attitude.

PuppyMonkey Sun 31-Mar-13 19:11:44

Never joke about chocolate.grin

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:10

It is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other as far as I can see.

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:39

I probably should have lied and accepted it gratefully, in hindsight. Perhaps I was just being too honest. They probably would know I was lying - nothing has changed over the three years, these have always been the rules. I don't know why she'd be offended/shocked/anything else.

Of course in hindsight it is much easier, but I do think that would have been for the best.

Maybe although she knows your views she thought a little extra chocolate one day a year would not be unacceptable.

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:00

I was joking when I said to them that DH would eat it, they could have kept it and scoffed it themselves for all I care...

Are you always so charmless?

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:07

I can see some merit in not giving chocolate to really young kids till they know what it is and ask for it, but I wouldn't be unduly concerned about people buying eggs. DS is 2 and he's had eggs today last year at one he had loads I accepted them gratefully and scoffed the lot when he was in bed. Apart from a little bit. Mmmmmm. Hello eggs.

sneezecakesmum Sun 31-Mar-13 19:13:16

ffs lighten up. Its Easter. Its a holiday biscuit

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 31-Mar-13 19:14:39

I agree with Kiriwawa...you sopund precious and I personally think you're creating a monster out of chocolate. In a couple of years, he'll be gorging at playdates where households have chocolate available.

I've had DC over here...to play with mine and I always know the ones who have strict parents regarding food as they're the ones who raid the biscuit tin constantly and ask for more sweets when I give them some.

I've never been strict about choc etc and my DDs are fine...they are very relaxed about eggs today and have eaten one each. No nagging for more.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 19:17:36

You might not have cared, but it really wasn't about you was it? It was obviously important to your MIL and you could have chosen to be gracious instead of snubbing her gift to her DGC.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:18:00

Pandemoniaa sorry if I sound a bit bitter - being undermined constantly by MIL does wear thin after a while!

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:13

No piprabbit, you're right, it wasn't about me at all. But it wasn't about her either.

thistlelicker Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:26

Could u not have politely reminded her you don't allow chocolate?? Personally a treat once in a while isn't a bad thing!!! Do u over indulge in chocolate yourself?? Is there a reason why child can't have chocolate or is it a general ban?

squeakytoy Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:30

for gods sakes, its a chocolate egg, not a wrap of coke..

she shouldnt have tried to teaching him to have a tantrum, but considering how precious you sound, I dont really blame her..

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:20:34

It seems to me that you are very alike-both over controlling. You both need to lighten up. It was an Easter egg-easy to accept gracefully-regardless of what you did with it, in private, afterwards.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:22:14

thistlelicker, I did politely remind her... But later on she decided to get the egg out and hand it to DS. Surely that's undermining my parenting as it is, even before encouraging him to have a tantrum!

ll31 Sun 31-Mar-13 19:23:07

Think you were v rude to say your sh would eat it. You basically told her you'd given him choc but she could't, unnecessary. She was rude too.

I hope your pfb and his eating of choc remains your biggest problem.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:24:03

Perhaps if you aren't able to be a convincing lier, a simple "thank you, I'll take this home with us." will do. Really, from your MIL's point of view, you used to ban chocolate, but now you have decided your DS can have a bit. However rather than just saying "we're rationing it out over the next couple of weeks" which would be acceptable to most grandparents, you've instead basically said your DS is allowed chocolate, but only if you buy it. That seems odd, it's not like you are saying "he can't have a load on one day" you are saying "he can only have chocolate I've chosen"

It's normal for grandparents to buy easter eggs for DGC who are allowed chocolate, it's also normal for parents to ration that chocolate out over the next couple of months - I can't believe you didn't think it was a possiblity your DS would be given eggs by people other than you. You've made it hard for yourself by allowing some chocolate but not others.

Uppermid Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:09

To be honest I think you need to get a grip and stop being so precious. Would you have reacted the same way if it was your mum? Is there history between you and your mil?

However saying all that, I'm amazed that you really need to ask your original question. Of course she shouldn't do that, but then you shouldn't allow her to get away with it, call her out on it at the time, or if you don't want to do in in front of your child/everyone else, take her to one side and tell her that its unacceptable.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:21

I don't think this is about the chocolate egg per se - I mean, everyone has different things their children are/aren't allowed. Surely others should respect that?

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:25:22

What did you refuse it? Could you not just have put it away at home for another occassion though?

Or was she encouraging him to actually eat it right there?

If you refused it totally, that's a bit mean to be fair.

Please god I don't end up with a dil like you one day.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:27:11

BTW - her rudeness is no in question, but you don't seem to get how rude you were first.

She was undermining you, she was being rude, but you could still have acted with grace in a way that gave you the moral high ground. I bet if yo'ud smiled, thanked her and said it was reserved for later once he'd eaten the one he's already opened, she'd have behaved better. If you start off being rude, you get people's backs up, particularly people you know are difficult - don't give them ammnuition or an excuse.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:28:14

Uppermid, my mum didn't buy DS an Easter egg, in fact no one on my side of the family did, because they know not to bother. SIL bought a bag of chocolate raisins and gave it to DH and I on the sly and said they're for DS, but we can eat them if we like.

microserf Sun 31-Mar-13 19:28:37

Yanbu about her behaviour encouraging your child to have a tantrum, but Yabu and very pfb about refusing the egg in the first place. Esp since your dc had been allowed one egg already.

I'm not an mil, but you sound a bit of a nightmare dil to me. I made a decision to respect my mil's relationship with the children and get in the way as little as possible. Things got a lot better between us and weirdly she ended up being more respectful of my parenting once she knew I would support her decisions about what she gave the children and how she spent time with the dcs.

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:29:25

The egg probably had an 'eat by date' of at least October therefore you could easily ration it out over the coming weeks.
I would lighten up-the bit about 'nursery slip ups' makes it seem as if he can't have sweets when the rest do-this is a sure way to make him the one child to crave it (when his mother isn't watching).

Yet another poster asking AIBU? who clearly does not even want to hear that they may have been unreasonable.

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:31:56

I saw lots of children having great fun on an Easter egg hunt this morning and yet I bet they had some at home too. It is very joyless-are your family as joyless if they 'know not to bother'?

Kiriwawa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:32:17

DS doesn't really like chocolate. I bought him an egg which he's expressed no interest in eating and when we go and see my parents next weekend, they'll also give him an egg. Both of them will probably sit around until at least summer.

But it makes them happy to give him an egg and he's thrilled to receive it. And that's the important thing really.

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 19:33:54

I would say that the important thing is a good relationship with grandparents-who are supposed to spoil a bit.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:34:13

hobnobsaremyfave I'm not saying I wasn't BU - I am v aware that I'm a bit precious over DS.

RedHelenB Sun 31-Mar-13 19:36:59

You have changed the rules though by getting him an easter egg yourselves! Yes she was in the wrong but so were you!

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:38:47

Yes but just because we bought him one as a one-off, doesn't mean now he's allowed all the chocolate in the world!

DragonMamma Sun 31-Mar-13 19:40:15

Out of sheer curiosity, why are you so against him having chocolate as part of of a varied, balanced diet? And do you not buy it at all?

My dc2 is almost 2 and had eaten a pack of buttons today, he's got a shedload of eggs but he doesn't gorge himself on them, even though they are within reach.

And re the OP, you were rude, she was rude back and probably thoroughly pissed off and wanted to wind you up. Let's face it, most kids like a treat and aren't deprived of chocolate on a mass scale.

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:40:40

Mate it's two eggs, which you could have let him have over months, or even not at all.

The issue is you could have accepted it even if you never let him have any pop it in a cupboard he would soon forget about it.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 31-Mar-13 19:41:00

Op 2 eggs are not all the chocolate in the world.

piprabbit Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:13

I don't think one extra egg is really "all the chocolate in the world", especially when you can control when and if your DS actually eats it.

thistlelicker Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:32

Perhaps said child
Should have ate the two eggs then could decide didnt like chocolate and wouldn't want more?

DragonMamma Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:37

One extra egg is hardly all the chocolate in the world. It's about 100g, if that.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:54

I don't really want to go into why he's not allowed chocolate, because that's a whole different thread. The thread was about being pulled up on my parenting, it could have been crisps/a pet dog/anything.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:44:50

Well when we arrived and they mentioned the Easter egg, they hadn't given it yet. So I couldn't have just accepted it, but I did thank them and remind them that DS isn't really allowed chocolate. MIL brought out the egg later on and gave it to DS.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:44:59

TickTock - no, you have it wrong, you aren't being precious about not allowing him chocolate, or only allowing a little and rationing it, those are both perfectly reasonable (in my mind) views to keep.

What you were wrong about was not being gracious and polite to someone giving a gift to your DS - you can hold a position for your DCs that doesn't involve you insulting someone else's generosity - she didn't buy an egg to piss you off, she bought an egg to give her DGS pleasure. You handled that bit badly, you could have just said thank you and put it in your bag, muttering something about rationing his chocolate intake. Saying that your DS wouldn't get it was unnecessary, that might have been your plan, but you pissed all over her chips well and truely by saying it to her face.

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:45:18

It's relevant that she behaved badly, but in my opinion you did too by refusing the egg even though you'd got one.

Like I said he didn't have to eat it did he?

Sounds like you have a difficult relationship so why make such an issue of this, save your energy for the big stuff.

weblette Sun 31-Mar-13 19:46:03

Unclench OP, it's a bit of chocolate. I agree with the poster above who asked where the joy/fun was in all this.
Yes your MIL shouldn't have acted the way she did but I really can't blame her.

fledtoscotland Sun 31-Mar-13 19:46:33

Yes your mil shouldn't have encouraged foot-stamping but your behaviour is rude and very controlling. Assuming no allergies, its chocolate. Just that chocolate.

You will be creating a junk-craving mobster who grabs everything banned at the first opportunity. Fwiw my DC have had Easter eggs from family plus ourselves and chose to eat the smartie chicken for breakfast but haven't bothered with the rest of it. Food shouldn't be a "treat" and healthy balance is what you should be aiming for

digerd Sun 31-Mar-13 19:46:38

Good for the GGM who gave GM the evil eye and she stopped being so childish. That was brilliant. I bet she was a real brat as a child and her mum developed the evil eye out of necessity, which still works.

I suppose DH cant say anything to his DM about it or FIL?
I had a MIL who was constantly putting me down. DH couldn't cope with it and told me to ignore it.
It made me ill. You have my sympathy.

DragonMamma Sun 31-Mar-13 19:48:03

It's probably because your mil thinks it's a bit ridiculous to deny him of chocolate.

A member of my family was PFB about chocolate, her DD was allowed 2 buttons at a time and a pack would last forever when we weren't slipping her a few extra and now, at 17 she is an absolute chocoholic and buys herself a tin of roses each Xmas and eats it within a couple of days. She's been like it since she was old enough to buy it herself and regularly hid the evidence from her bonkers mother.

crashdoll Sun 31-Mar-13 19:48:39

YABU to refuse/forbid a gift even if you didn't want your son to have it. It would have been polite to say 'thank you' and just not give it to him. I've seen a few threads lately where people are ungracious about gifts and I find it so rude! But YANBU about MIL goading you like that, she was also rude.

TheSecondComing Sun 31-Mar-13 19:49:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tubsywubsy Sun 31-Mar-13 19:51:09

If chocolate is so awful, why is your DH eating it? Do you eat chocolate?

chunkythighs Sun 31-Mar-13 19:51:56

Feel sorry for your husband and your son. I think he married Someone exactly like his mum. It's a happier life if you both choose your arguments better. You are both unreasonable. < gavel>

CandyCrushed Sun 31-Mar-13 19:52:40

Is your DH on board with things. If so I would let him deal with your DMIL.

I would have said thanks or the egg and then given him a little tiny bit then binned the rest when you got home. It is your kid yor rules but being 'banned' from giving eggs is a little harsh and PFB.
Maybe next year you could let people give him eggs which he could trade in for a present from you.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:53:25

digerd we do have a difficult relationship at times, she likes to challenge my parenting a lot and is often quite insulting (a couple of times casually racist), but is either completely oblivious or purposely trying to prove something. DH has confronted her in the past about things, in a very reasoned way, and she's fulling accepting on the phone but then DH hears from FIL later that she was in tears the whole day after. So DH tends to not say anything anymore and I'm left fuming.

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 19:54:31

Yes but just because we bought him one as a one-off, doesn't mean now he's allowed all the chocolate in the world!

I think you must know how silly an exaggeration this is! But actually I'm not unsympathetic about keeping babies and young children away from chocolate all the while they are unaware of its existence. DS1 was nearly 2 when he had his first Easter eggs but it helped that my DM and PIL held similar views. DS2, of course, learned about chocolate much earlier!

However, you can strike a reasonable balance between no chocolate and eating their own weight in it. You accept the Easter eggs with a good grace and then quietly take the majority of it home. That way you don't get into the sort of unproductive battle you had today.

LittleBairn Sun 31-Mar-13 19:55:12

How odd to teach a child to tantrum.
I love that her own mother gave her the hmm eye and that it still works even when your a granny. grin

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Sun 31-Mar-13 19:55:25

I think you were both being unreasonable. The appropriate response when someone gives you or your child something is thank you. Not "oh DC already has one of those, his dad can have this one". How unbelievably rude, your strict rules about chocolate or not. Your DH could still have eaten the damn egg but his mum needn't have known that hmm

However your MIL was out of order encouraging your DS to throw a tantrum like that, was very childish. Think hurt feelings can have that effect on people though at times. If I was yor MIL I'd be offended by your attitude too.

SanityClause Sun 31-Mar-13 19:56:09

The reason why you are making chocolate an issue is relevant.

If he has a dairy intollerance, for example, then, you should mention that to all and sundry, and remind them of it, if they try to serve the wrong foods.

But if you are just being precious, then you would do well to consider what you are trying to achieve with your strict attitude to chocolate. At the moment, you are encouraging MIL to teach your DS to tantrum. Is that your aim?

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 19:56:27

Maybe next year you could let people give him eggs which he could trade in for a present from you. - that sounds like a good idea CandyCrushed.

tubsywubsy and TSC - it's not about whether DH and I eat chocolate. DH and I drink alcohol/drive/stay up late etc, doesn't mean DS is allowed to too.

Frawli Sun 31-Mar-13 19:57:29

Your MIL was definitely out of order but on the other hand as a grandparent you should be allowed to spoil them a bit, and you are BU if you don't let her treat him every now and again. All you needed to do was thank her politely and put it in your bag but instead you were really ungracious and wouldn't accept the gift, which wasn't that much of an inappropriate gift given the fact that it's easter. I would rather people not give my DC eggs but they do, and I put them away and dole them out at intervals, or eat them myself, but I wouldn't take away from them the excitement they get at being given a gift and I wouldn't rob my parents/in laws of the opportunity to make my DC excited by giving them a gift. If it was something completely inappropriate like a puppy I would obviously not let them receive it but an egg is no big deal if you don't let it be.

SminkoPinko Sun 31-Mar-13 19:57:58

Accepting a gift by saying, effectively, "why did you bother, oh well, I'll give it to someone else" is clearly out of order, in my view, Heidi. And a blanket ban on chocolate for a 3 year old must be a downer for extended family. Everyone likes buying little kids Easter eggs. The grandparents probably feel v v frustrated that the OP remains obdurate on the chocolate ban- all their mates will be buying eggs for the loved children in their lives. I totally understand when parents get antsy about babies being given chocolate at 6 months because it doesn't fit in with weaning and should be pureed or whatever but by 3 years most have relaxed somewhat.

Frawli Sun 31-Mar-13 19:59:35

It's also true that you are teaching your DS that if somebody gives him a gift that is unacceptable that he tells them right there and then to their face. I prefer to teach my children to say thank you if they are given a gift rather than this is no good/not what I want.

OP. Our kids are 13 and 11 now. How time flies! Everyone parents in a different way so I don't really make a lot of comments about parenting issues. However, the only thing I truly wish I had done with our first dc was relax more and be less precious about him. Having another dc makes you reevaluate a lot and you cringe a touch about how you parented your first. Not all stuff, fundamental stuff I wouldn't change but heavens I wish I has chilled a bit about so many small things.

My mil is wonderful and I am blessed. Not like you it seems. She doesn't do things the way I do, or she even did tbh as she was a very strict parent, but she's indulgent of her grandchildren and that's fine for me. Think giving the kids 3 biscuits when i said just one small one by sneaking them to them with a wink and a grin. i could have got very upset at her 'ignoring' my rules but, really, in the grand scheme if life, does it matter? She's over 80 now, sharp as a pin but deaf as a post and a constant source of amusement for the DC! Especially when tipsy on sherry and telling dh off!!

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but, maybe, had I picked up on all the sneaky biscuits and made an issue of her going against me, we would have such a lovely relationship now, and more importantly, the DC love and adore her.

Not saying she didn't behave badly, but I can honestly see both sides here.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:01:43

Frawli DS wasn't in the room when MIL and FIL told us about the egg they'd bought. And that's just it - they TOLD us - they didn't give it to us at that point. We did thank them, and I also mentioned what they already knew about DS not being allowed chocolate.

clabsyqueen Sun 31-Mar-13 20:04:00

Congratulations - you've moved me to make my first post on AIBU ( after 2 years on MN).
You were VERY unreasonable and properly rude. if you didn't want him to have too much why buy your own egg knowing full well that tradition dictates the giving of chocolate eggs at easter. the egg from his grandma could have been the first/only of the day. It is quite clear (and you've said as much) as this was about control and point scoring with the MIL. Using your child/parenting as a way to get at her is childish and very passive aggressive. I'm not surprised she lost her mind! And I also think you are creating a monster with your overly anxious approach to chocolate. You are in for big trouble trying to enforce that at birthday parties/sleepovers. And if you manage to enforce it then you will most certainly make your child seem a bit weird. I hope you can find ways to sort things out with your MIL because all this sounds very unhealthy. To repeat: YABVU

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 20:04:26

So they said we got him an egg and you said but you know we don't allow chocolate?

Could you not have said, thank you but we will take it home and he can eat it another time?

TheSecondComing Sun 31-Mar-13 20:05:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruledbyheart Sun 31-Mar-13 20:05:49

Actually YANBU if you dont want your son to have chocolate thats your decision plenty of time when he is an adult, you MIL was completely out of order you declined the chocolate and she knows how you feel so going behind your back to begin with is wrong then trying to teach your son to have a tantrum is bloody out of order I would be FURIOUS.

Viviennemary Sun 31-Mar-13 20:07:45

If I was a grandparent I truly couldn't be bothered with this level of control unless there was a good reason such as allergies. You sound massively difficult and totally over the top. I think YABVU. No Easter eggs at Easter. shock

Pandemoniaa Sun 31-Mar-13 20:07:46

I think you need to pick your battles much more carefully. Especially since you can't occupy any "not allowed chocolate" moral high ground when you've already bought the "not allowed chocolate" child an Easter egg yourself.

I do think its very sad that the whole family on your side don't even bother to even buy an egg as they know its pointless. That makes me feel sad tbh, poor kid. Use it to melt over a homemade cake or some buns maybe? I used to use the kids many excess eggs to do buns with them and decorate themselves, they never knew any different. We have a large indulgent family!

crashdoll Sun 31-Mar-13 20:10:25

DH and I drink alcohol/drive/stay up late etc, doesn't mean DS is allowed to too.

Drinking and driving even in small amounts are harmful (not to mention illegal!) but chocolate is not harmful in small amounts.

SminkoPinko Sun 31-Mar-13 20:11:27

I think it's pretty understandable for them to expect you to lighten up about easter eggs over time. Unless there is a medical reason for no chocolate?

Sirzy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:12:15

You were rude, she was daft.

Seriously though what harm is a little bit of chocolate going to do? DS is 3 and has been given too many lots of easter eggs today. He has eaten a packet of maltesers and gone for fruit instead, it will last him months and we certainly didn't 'need' it but I would never be rude to someone giving him a present.

What will you do when he starts going to birthday parties and friends houses for tea if you are so precious over a chocolate egg which your in full control of when he eats?

Ps. My mil can say pretty controversial stuff about immigrants and conservative voters in particular but I bite my tongue tbh, some is her age and some is my love for dh. I certainly don't hold any such views. Can you relax a touch or at least bite your tongue?!

I am sorry, but I think you were rude - for no good reason that I can see. As others have said, there are far more diplomatic ways you could have handled the situation, that wouldnt have involved you hurting your in-laws' feelings. In my opinion it would have been better to accept the egg with a polite fiction about rationing it out over coming days/weeks than to be deliberately rude.

It is also worth remembering that, as sweets go, chocolate is definitely one of the ones that are better for children - no artificial sweeteners, colours or flavours, and it isn't a gummy or sticky sweet that will adhere to the teeth and so can be more likely to cause decay.

Thirdly, I firmly believe it is better to bring children up to understand moderation and "a little of what you fancy" rather than strict control, and 'good' and 'bad' foods. I was brought up by a mum who strictly controlled portion sizes, treats, when we got sweets etc, and when I left home at 18 to train as a nurse, and had my own money, I went totally out of control, and had no idea hot to moderate my intake, or how to balance threats and a balanced diet. As a result I have a very distinction all relationship with food, and a massive weight problem. Don't go down this route, please, TickTock.

I should have said she was very unreasonable to encourage him to tantrum to get what he wants - but if he does try it, a simple No and ignoring the behaviour will nip it in the bud.

Machli Sun 31-Mar-13 20:18:43

I have read the thread and I think what I thought when I read your OP. Uptight misery guts and maybe your MIL is just sick of it. It's a bit of chocolate at Easter. I think saying your DH would eat was just driving your point home that you Make The Decisions Round Here Thanks Very Much.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:20:03

needastrongone I think the problem is that I bite my tongue too much. I don't think me reminding her (which I don't think was really a reminder, as it was only a week or so ago this came up) was particularly confrontational. I was just saying it within the conversation.

But yes I think I should pick my battles - as someone said earlier on in the thread. She has said some pretty borderline racist stuff before, which I/DH should pull her up on but the trickier stuff is harder.

StuntGirl Sun 31-Mar-13 20:21:04

Christ, I think everyone's being needlessly harsh. So what if the OP doesn't give her child chocolate? Bugger me, it's not like she's unilaterally decided to cut out vegetables or something. I don't think it will kill the child to not eat it.

Floggingmolly Sun 31-Mar-13 20:24:18

If he was only allowed one Easter egg; why did you buy him one yourself and then expressly forbid his grandparents from buying him one - to the point of saying "it's ok, DH can eat it "? It's extraordinarily controlling, I think she didn't get the "joke" (hmm), and was making a point, albeit in a very clumsy way.

Nanny0gg Sun 31-Mar-13 20:24:44

You're really not going to accept that most posters on here think you are massively U, are you?

There is clearly a long backstory here. You and your MiL don't get on and she is unlikely to do anything right. Probably why she reacted like a child when you were rude to her.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:26:54

Floggingmolly - how was I to know they were going to buy him one? And I only bought him one because DH wanted to!

Bibs123 Sun 31-Mar-13 20:27:31

i think you sound really controlling and that you arr really nasty for not letting your mil buy her grandson an easter egg... and for not letting your son have the egg.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:28:35

Oh and when I say 'borderline racist stuff' I meant towards me/DS. Just re-read what I wrote and that didn't seem clear.

so the only one who wants to control whether he eats chocolate or not is you

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:31:30

No, both DH and I decide.

TheSecondComing Sun 31-Mar-13 20:33:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

you just said your dh wanted him to have an egg and you didn't

HollyBerryBush Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:05

Explain to me one simple thing. Why is it ok for you to deny your child chocolate yet you eat it yourself?

I said we'd already got him one, but thanks anyway, DH can eat it.

I think you are control freak. You could put the egg away and dole it out piece by piece if that is your wish, but to exhibit absolute bad manners and suggest your DH is a glutton is beyond the pale TBH.

Sirzy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:14

What harm was an extra easter egg going to do? They last for months!

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:18

You handled a situation with someone you know is difficult very badly, you insulted her and was rude, you don't seem to see that what you said first was rude. IME- if someone is difficult and prone to bad behaviour like your MIL is, then it's best to make an effort to be polite and treat them well in the first instance, only reserving being rude to them after they have actually done something wrong.

SminkoPinko Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:34

How was I to know they were going to buy him one?

Because, as sure as eggs is eggs, most grandparents, many aunties and uncles and even some friends will buy young children they know Easter eggs. My own 3 year old has received about 7 eggs this year, including a (v tacky!) pink plastic basket of eggs from an elderly neighbour we don't know very well and none from her parents. It is an established tradition in the UK.

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:59

If she is saying racist stuff to your 3 year old I wouldn't be going there at all to be honest.

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 31-Mar-13 20:36:01

bibs do you not think the mil was being controlling at all trying to undermine OP infront of her son and convince him to demand for the chocolate?

zipzap Sun 31-Mar-13 20:42:40

I would have been tempted to tell ds that the only person he is allowed to have a tantrum for is mil and that she obviously loves them as she encouraged him but that he will be in serious trouble if he throws a tantrum for you or anyone else...

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:43:24

Let me rephrase that... How was I meant to know she was going to buy him an Easter egg, given she knows he doesn't eat it?

HollyBerryBush - do you allow your children to stay up until midnight, because you do too? What about swearing?

PickledInAPearTree she doesn't say racist things to DS. It's casually racist comments, indirectly. And it doesn't happen every time, but often enough to piss me off.

I'm glad my dc's eat chocolate now and again.....and have decent manners...

SparklyAntlersInMyDecorating Sun 31-Mar-13 20:45:49

One day your child will be a teenager/ student/ grown man probably scoffing kebabs, beer, bacon, chocolate - whatever the hell else he pleases.

Some rationed chocolate from his grandmother - given to whoever with out her knowledge or not - won't be the end of it all.

You were both wrong.

oh and welcome to mumsnet....

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:48:34

I'm aware DS will eat chocolate/kebabs/whatever else when he's older. But he's got a lifetime to do that, why does he have to start now? I don't really want to go into why he should/shouldn't eat this, that and the other, because that's not really what the thread was meant to be about.

oh I think its exactly what the thread was meant to be about....

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:49:36

Thanks for taking the effort to research my posts hobnobsaremyfave, but I've been around for a while wink

Sirzy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:49:55

But what are you gaining by being so arsey about it? What exactly do you think banning foods is teaching him?

Surely an "everything in moderation" is a much healthier relationship to have with food and for that to happen parents need to encourage that from a young age.

((yawn))

Squitten Sun 31-Mar-13 20:55:11

She behaved badly but I think that you were rude to refuse a gift. Your DS will be given plenty of gifts that you hate over his childhood so, unless you want to be known as a very rude and ungrateful person to your family and friends, you'd better start practising your smiley face.

If you don't want to give it to him, just accept it graciously, take it home and eat it yourself or whatever. No need to be rude about it in the first place

StuntGirl Sun 31-Mar-13 20:56:34

I think you handled it badly (although hindsight is a wonderful thing of course) but in essence I agree with your view. Don't worry about it, just respond differently next time.

SneakyNinja Sun 31-Mar-13 20:58:09

Oh for goodness sake what a fuss! I'm not a fan of junk food either but you just roll your eyes, smile and get on with it. Just let the kid have easter eggs at easter. It's all well and good saying 'Im aware I'm probably a bit PFB' well stop it then! It is a flaw that it seems you are aware of and MIL is probably sick to death of it.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 21:02:52

Well I am trying to stop being so uptight, hence buying him the Easter egg this year.

Anyway, thank you all for your feedback. I'm off to bed now - my body doesn't seem to recognise the clocks going forward at all..

TickTock - did you read my post, about how controlling my mum was with food, especially treats, and how it has given me such a disordered relationship with food?

thistlelicker Sun 31-Mar-13 21:09:31

Am I the only person keen to know why chocolate is a big no no?

Tick tick. Hope you get a good nights sleep. Is there any reason why you think that you might wish to divulge? Just an interesting comment that you make about trying to relax that's all. It is hard, I probably made a lot of mistakes with ds, none of which were irreparable but he's a com

Completely different character to dd and I kind of think we all chill out a bit by the second and third child etc and that's a very very good thing!!

Sorry, pressed return too soon.

olivertheoctopus Sun 31-Mar-13 21:15:32

Whilst I think your no chocolate rules are a bit unnecessary, YANBU at thinking your MIL was being totally out of order. It doesn't matter how daft the parents' rules are, they are THEIR rules and not for selfish twat IL's to undermine.

Sorry, blooming auto correct. Tick tock!

littlemonkeychops Sun 31-Mar-13 21:16:33

If your MIL didn't know how you feel about chocolate then your reaction would be very rude, but i disagree that rejecting a gift is ungracious if the gift giver knows darn well that it goes against your wishes as a parent. At DS's age it is absolutely up to you what foods he does/doesn't eat. It seems obvious that your MIL is just peeved that she didn't get her own way in overruling you so tried to force the point.

sweetmelissa Sun 31-Mar-13 21:20:30

how was I to know they were going to buy him one? And I only bought him one because DH wanted to!

I suppose because 99% of grandparents buy their grandchildren Easter Eggs, and get enormous pleasure from doing so. Isn't it just the norm?

Whatever I am so sorry that what should have been a lovely moment of pleasure was spoilt for both you, for your PIL and ultimately your son too.

One day you too will want to spoil your grandchildren too smile wink

Bibs123 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:06:59

catchingmockingbirds.... No I do not think it sounds like the poor MIL has an ounce of control.... I feel really sorry for her not even being allowed to buy her grandson an egg! She was probably quite hurt and upset. My brothers girlfriend does not let their daughter have any chocolate.. they are both really fat and stuff chocolate in front of their daughter I have even witnessed them wafting chocolate under her nose so she could smell it! I am really wary about people who deny their children simple pleasures. There is nothing wrong with teaching your children to enjoy things in moderation. I also hate people wbo thinks its ok for them to do one thing but to disallow their children from doing it. If you are going to stop your children watching tv, you stop too... same with chocolate.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 31-Mar-13 22:15:10

Oh for crying out loud some people don't wish their children to have stuff like that, some don't care and are quite happy for it.

Either way its not down to someone else to make this choice for them or undermine them.

If a child who was allowed to have it by their parents who handed the child it then had it snatched out of his/ her hands by another adult whilst being given a anti chocolate lecture all hell would break loose.

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 22:37:22

tubsywubsy and TSC - it's not about whether DH and I eat chocolate. DH and I drink alcohol/drive/stay up late etc, doesn't mean DS is allowed to too.

I think it is all about it. DCs do what you do and not what you say. If chocolate isn't good for him then it isn't good for you. They are very quick to pick up hypocrisy.
Your other examples are completely different-when your DC is an adult he will most likely do all those things. Chocolate is something that most children eat. If you eat it and don't allow him to eat it the only lesson is that it is highly desirable. You can easily quote the law on alcohol-there is no law on chocolate-in fact most Easter eggs are produced to be eaten by children.
All things in moderation is a much better policy.
I would be rich if I had £1 for every child who stands in front of a parent, looking as if butter wouldn't melt..., as they say 'of course little Johnny doesn't like sweet things' and they don't see 'little Johnny' when mummy is not watching!!

exoticfruits Sun 31-Mar-13 22:38:30

And of course 'little Johnny' makes sure that his mother never sees him eating it!

thegreylady Sun 31-Mar-13 22:47:18

Flipping heck you bought himan Easter egg and his loving dgp bought him an egg.Two rddy Easter eggs and you react as if the poor child is being forcefed Haribo! You can ration one egg[yours] so you can ration two surely-they will last longer.
My two dgs were brought here today-one hates chocolate and one loves it.I bought them gingerbread eggs with decorating kits, a book each and our 'hunt' was for sherbet flying saucers :0 Its all about fun you see-seasonal family fun just loving and sharing.

willyoulistentome Sun 31-Mar-13 22:50:51

I have to agree with everyone else in that you seem PFB in the extreme and need to unclench. Only one Easter egg? Poor little sod.
BUT your MIL was way out of order.

exoticfruits Mon 01-Apr-13 07:07:23

As I said at the beginning- '6 of one and half a dozen of the other' - probably well suited to one another.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 07:10:38

do you allow your children to stay up until midnight, because you do too? What about swearing?

That'd be a yes as they are in their late teens and do pretty much what they like these days

Hawkmoon269 Mon 01-Apr-13 08:06:39

Op - yanbu. Your post was about your mil trying to teach your ds to tantrum. Of course that's not ok!

I do think you were a bit ungracious but I may well have behaved similarly. My mil is always buying chocolate for my 1 yo. She knows I don't give him chocolate/refined sugar yet. That's my choice. I now say "thank you, that's very kind" and either eat it myself or give it away.

But I'm tempted to say "he's ONE!! He doesn't eat chocolate!"

It's east for people with older children to say you are being ridiculously precious. And at 3 yo I won't mind my ds having chocolate every so often. But it's your choice! You ARE being controlling because you are in control of your child's diet. I just never understand the vitriol against parents who are trying to give their dc a healthy diet...

BlackholesAndRevelations Mon 01-Apr-13 08:13:54

Gosh. Threads like this always make me feel like I must be the worst mum as both of my children (3 yo and 18 months) have chocolate. And they love it. Why the fuck shouldn't they have it in moderation? Am I missing something? hmm

Sirzy Mon 01-Apr-13 08:23:15

I don't think a diet which excludes things (for non medical reasons) is a healthy diet. A healthy diet is a balanced diet where no food is seen as being a bad food.

twofingerstoGideon Mon 01-Apr-13 08:30:24

Imagine the scenario if MiL had other grandchildren and got them all Easter eggs but excluded the OP's DS because he's 'not allowed' chocolate.

Can you imagine what sort of AIBU that would lead to?

Hawkmoon - Can I say something and I hope that you don't find me patronising as I certainly don't mean it to be so. It's very different having a one year old to having older children. You can (quite rightly) control their diet to a huge degree. Soon, when they start nursery, playgroup etc, they get invited to parties and other social stuff. Usually, the food on offer is the standard party fodder of sausages, crisps, sandwiches etc. Most of the mothers I knew also put out grapes, raisins, cheese cubes, veggies sticks too but these were not the first things to be eaten ever and always leftover!!!

My kids are 13 and 11, very slim and active I am size 6, DH a size 32 waist still at 51. I am kind of in the Jmaie Oliver camp. Lots of fresh, home cooked stuff but I don't look at the fat or sugar levels etc either tbh. I do love cooking too as a caveat. Yesterday, they had home made vegetable soup for lunch and baked salmon for tea with roasted new potato's and more veggies. But, they also ate some of their chocolate eggs and we all managed a HUGE slice of homemade millionaire shortbread smile

I want my kids (DD especially) to grow up healthy, fit and with a good attitude to food. My own mother did a lot of stuff wrong tbh but never the food thing and I have never ever dieted honest, but i think that her sensible attitude became my sensible attitude too.

Banning food as they get older seems a bit worrying to be tbh. It can also make them different from their peer group too.

I don't mean to come over as 'holier than thou' to anyone, just, as the kids get older, I find you relax a bit more and find your own way.

What Sirzy said in two lines really smile

I also find energy drink bottles in dd's bedroom so not having stuff in the house doesn't work either when they get older and have more control over their money and lives etc!!!!

TobyLerone Mon 01-Apr-13 08:45:05

You were very rude.

MIL was a twat.

differentnameforthis Mon 01-Apr-13 08:46:59

I don't really want to go into why he's not allowed chocolate, because that's a whole different thread

Not really, it isn't. Him not being allowed chocolate is at the root of this thread, it is not that big a stretch that you need to explain why he isn't allowed it.

TickTockGoesTheClock Mon 01-Apr-13 08:57:04

Morning..

Just going to make one post then I'm out, as DH would not be impressed with me stuck to the computer on our last day off!

We don't actually have chocolate/crisps/any other junk food in the house, so whilst I might eat chocolate because someone happens to bring it into work or whatever, we don't have it at home. But I'm not getting drawn into the chocolate debate, because that's not what the thread was meant to be about.

Those who give their children chocolate, that's great and I'm glad you feel like your decision has been respected as a parent. Unfortunately mine hasn't been - it was judged and undermined. I tried to be as polite as I could be in the situation (given the egg wasn't handed to me so I couldn't take and say he might have it later), but she does know our stance on this, it comes up often enough.

As I said previously, I know he's my PFB, and I am trying to get over myself. But I don't need confrontational situations with MIL pushing it. She may well of wanted to spoil him, but she could have done it in other ways which wouldn't have caused conflict (and she knew it would).

Anyways, over and out.

Sirzy Mon 01-Apr-13 09:02:58

You think hour response was polite? Seriously?

MidnightMasquerader Mon 01-Apr-13 09:07:03

I was absolutely like this with PFB - it lasted a couple of years until I copped onto myself and realised that long-term, I was actually doing more harm than good.

Look, you didn't even have to lie about it. All you had to say, was thank you. The normal, accepted, gracious response when given something.

Your MIL responded very pettily, but honestly, your stance is a silly one and almost begs ridicule. Almost, I said. wink Hopefully you will see how you're being sooner rather than later.

So did you want to know if people thought you were bu or validation of your own viewpoint when you first posted?

TickTockGoesTheClock Mon 01-Apr-13 09:16:52

needastrongone - the title of the thread is, 'AIBU to think MIL shouldn't teach DS that throwing a tantrum is how to get what he wants?' not 'AIBU for not letting DS have chocolate?'

And I did thank them for the Easter egg.

Really going now!

Hawkmoon269 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:19:10

needastrongone smile not patronised at all!
I have a 6yo dsd and our attitude is very like yours - lots of good home cooked food and chocolate/cake etc is ok as well. She are 2 small (an inch long) eggs yesterday. That's all she asked for - she could have had more but she's not obsessed with chocolate. (Bread stocks are another matter :-)

I don't let my 1 yo have processed sugar and that's ok. He watches his sister eat sweets etc and doesn't mind - the same way he watches me drink tea and doesn't mind. He has no idea what he's missing out on! When he's 2, I'll relax. Honestly. (Probably).

Sirzy Mon 01-Apr-13 09:19:27

So you expected people to completely ignore your extreme views and the rudeness they led to? Seems you simply want to remain in denial about the fact you were also unreasonable so I do wonder why you posted in the first place!

You still haven't answered the questions about what you will do when your son is invited to birthday parties? Are you going to stop him eating anything?

MidnightMasquerader Mon 01-Apr-13 09:20:05

All you should have said was 'thank you'.

flippinada Mon 01-Apr-13 09:27:05

TickTock I think you were not being unreasonable. Ok, you could had handled it more graciously but nobody gets it right or says the right thing all the time. This being AIBU it could easily have gone the other way.

Anyway enjoy the rest of your holiday smile .

Hawkmoon. Don't think you need to relax at all. Sounds an entirely sensible attitude. I think we started off giving our dc chocolate buttons etc in treat size packs from about one year old. Seems ages ago so can't remember exact dates but certainly we didn't let them have mars bars and fizzy pop etc, very gradual thing.

I am probably deluding myself anyway. I sent some millionaire shortbread over to the neighbour as my dd and theirs are extremely close. Neighbour remarked that he could feel his arteries clogging up eating it, should have stuck to Easter eggs!!!

You were not being unreasonable to want your ds not to have chocolate (I personally think this is overly precious but you are entitled to have a different view) and for this to be respected. You were not unreasonable to be pissed off that mil response was to try and encourage him to have a tantrum.

However you totally and utterly undermined yourself by giving him chocolate yourself

Ffs if I was your mil I'd be pretty confused tbh. If he's not allowed chocolate you shouldn't be giving any to him yourself either. If he is then as others have said you could have accepted the chocolate gracefully and given him a little bit at a time over months. Or is only chocolate you've bought allowed?

ChocsandChipsandSealingWax Mon 01-Apr-13 09:58:21

What Toby and yellowfin issue said.

You didn't have to be so rude. If it was ok for you to give him an egg, then it should also be ok for extended family to give eggs.

yes MIL was childish and out of order encouraging tantrums, but I expect she's had enough of you being so ridiculously PFB and rude to boot. She probably wouldn't have done it if you had handled things differently. You created this whole situation and as a result, despite yes your silly parenting choices totally being up to you, I don't think you deserve much sympathy.

ChocsandChipsandSealingWax Mon 01-Apr-13 09:58:59

Damn autocorrect - yellowdinosaur!

lljkk Mon 01-Apr-13 10:52:25

MIL was childish but tbh, I would chain myself to the fence with her if I had to take sides. I just have too low tolerance for control freakery.

Your approach isn't teaching your DS moderation, OP. And you could have been so much more tactful about Granny's generous gesture.

i would imagine she bought the egg assuming your stance on chocolate was age related.

my dd is 4, this is the first year i have allowed her all the eggs she has been given.

Not approving of small children eating chocolate in any quantity is not a problem, but the correct response to your MIL should have been "Thank you" and then have left it there.

What you do with the egg once its home is entirely up to you.

microserf Mon 01-Apr-13 23:25:52

Oh I know this thread should just die, but i just read the last couple of self satisfied posts from the op and I couldn't sign off without saying to the op - you created the situation. You are part of the problem. You will not get anywhere with your dhs family until you figure that out.

Honestly, I really don't know why you posted in aibu. You are being unreasonable, and very smug about it indeed.

She was unreasonable........ but you were downright rude and sound like a joyless pain in the arse.

ll31 Tue 02-Apr-13 07:54:17

Having read they thread again, still think yabvu in your rudeness. Yes mil was unreasonable too, but your attitude to her was very and unnecessarily rude.

GummyAdams Tue 02-Apr-13 08:16:08

I posted on the other chocolate thread that PIL bought DS (11months) an egg. He is intolerant to dairy and it makes him quite uncomfortable and ill, but they still asked (as if it were me that was the problem,) if he'd be 'allowed' to have any. I just said thank-you very much, took it and DH ate it later.
I will probably reiterate later that he won't be having milk chocolate, or any dairy, but I will wait until another time.
It sounds as if there's some bad feeling between you and MIL which is unpleasant for both of you, so I'd be tackling that tbh.

HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand Tue 02-Apr-13 15:51:25

YABU to refuse the egg! Let children be children and let them have occasional treats ffs.

The MIL was being unreasonable undermining you like that. But perhaps she was pissed off you refused the egg she had bought.

sue52 Tue 02-Apr-13 15:59:44

Your MIL was in the wrong but you were being very rude to her. I think it quite normal for a grandparent to give a her grandchild an egg at easter and you were ungracious to say you would give it to your DH instead.

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