AIBU and over reacting(79 Posts)
Quite stressed ATM anyway and trying not to take it out on the dc. Ds (5) was acting up all day yesterday, (things like dipping his green beans in his drink at the table then when I had took the water away from him 5 minutes later he was trying to sneak his drink back which if I hadn't seen would of tipped my wine everywhere) he eventually got sent to bed early as I just couldn't cope with his not listening. He broke my lamp, opened 3 more bags of crisps after I told him he could have one and stuff like that.
Anyway had a chat last night about listening to me again and what happens when he doesn't. He understands I think. Till this morning when I'm in the bath he says he's hungry can he have more cereal, well that's fine help yourself and he takes my cereal. He knows that the curiously cinnamon squares are mine and not anybody else's, he did this yesterday as well and I'm really not happy. They both choose a cereal each when they're other one runs out plus there's usually Cheerios shreddies and frostys so why the hell is he taking mine! I might be slightly unreasonable about this as after all it is only cereal but the slyness of him sneaking it has really pissed me off.
ATM I've told him I'm not happy and I'm really considering not taking him to the party we're going to later. I am also thinking about making him give me a pound out his money box? Or AIBU and over reacting over a bowl of cereal.
I know it's not April Fool's Day yet but is this an early joke? You have your own cereal that you keep from your kid and get cross about him dipping green beans in his drink?
A pound and having to miss a party for eating your cereal?
Taking his pocket money would be OTT, as would not taking him to the party. I can completely see why the sneakiness pissed you off, but your proposed punishments are taking it a bit too far in my opinion. S no, YANBU, but you are overreacting.
Yabu. You are also being unreasonable for having gross cereals in the house in the first place.
this is your 5 year old child you're talking about yes? And not a partner being a bit of a twat?
A massive over reaction imo. pick your battles carefully with 5 year olds...fights over cereals are entirely needless. and you cannot possibly be serious about not taking him to a party because he sneaked some of your forbidden cereal.
My advice? If you don't want your 5 year old child to have something, keep it out of his way. It really is quite simple.
Forty lashes at least for nearly spilling your wine, you have to nip behaviour like that in the bud.
Meant to put a wink after my post.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Brandy, this must be an April Fool's joke, yes?
Maybe think about an alternative punishment as it would be a shame for him to miss the party. I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset though as he broke the rules which he no doubt was aware of.
No not a joke I'm turning into my mum
I think this is a joke in not been sucked in
Yes ywbu then. Wekl dine for reslising
This is a wind up. Surely?
Why would a 5 year old help himself to 3 bags of crisps- don't you put them where he can't get to them?
Why is a 5 yr old having crisps anyway- they are full of salt and fat?
Why are you in the bath when he is needing breakfast? Can't you shower after it's all sorted- or make him wait until you are out of the bath?
You are blaming a 5 yr old for your own mismanagement. Get a grip.
If this is serious YANBU, YABCR (you are being completely ridiculous).
Who separates cereal into 'theirs' and 'mine'?
oh come on now - April Fool surely???
But it's March.... not April...
Brandy, worst wind up ever.
if you ARE serious then you need to chill out
massive over reaction to a child helping themselves to YOUR cereal for starters
Seriously? Oh dear.
He had already had breakfast while I was in the bath, and the crisps were out because we had a late lunch yesterday (about 3ish and it was a huge roast had family over) so dinner was dips and crisps and cheese and naice ham and bread.
I'm going back to the drs on the 26th about my general grumpiness to see if a switch in pill has worked, obviously not.
Really, if this is serious, then I think it's a good idea you're golng to see your GP.
And the cereal is mine because I don't really eat cereal so the odd time I buy a box for myself I want it to be there when I want it. They can have whatever cereal they want I would prefer to buy two of the same and have mine and there's.
oh so it's the pill, not your own parenting that's the reason for all of this?
You should still put food away so he can't help himself.
if he had eaten enough breakfast you should have siad no, you can't have any more- or wait until I am out of the bath and I'll sort.
I get the impression your 5 yr old is running around doing whatever he wants- because you are not thinking ahead enough.
Get your brain into gear!
then put your cereal where they can't find it. Easy.
or buy more of it if they like it more than theirs.
Flip me. Poor OP!
So you all each choose one cereal each week as each individuals "treat" and when its gone, its gone. But he was sneaky and took your treat. I think that at 5 he should know better and that its ok to have your own cereal. NOt like hes eating gruel and you have something nice. Maybe helping towards replacing the cereal, but dont take away his party.
Crisps-wise, Id say the natural consequence is that he doesnt get any the next two times he would normally get them.
As for spilling the wine, Im sure it wasnt intentional. He is only 5. Maybe keep it further back, as you would a kettle of hot water.Or a precious ming vase ;)
And it sounds to me like you had a bath AFTER he had had a first serving of breakfast.
Obviously you also need regular wine to control a 5 year old!
If this is for real you need a major shake up in you parenting skills (or lack of them)
Yes blue carrot!! And I stopped him just before my wine was spilt! I know with the wine and the lamp it wasnt on purpose its just he sees something and does it without thinking.
Ok, so maybe a wee shift in perspective might help? Try catching him doing something good and tell him you noticed When im stressed with DD always seeming to be up to no good, I do this (well, I try to always do it, but make EXTRA effort when its not coming naturally to me due to my mood) So, "thanks for tidying up that toy" "i noticed you were very careful lifting that glass so it didnt knock down the wine." etc.
He's 5. He's not being very naughty.
Relax a bit and stop getting het up about things. The more you're on at him the worse his behaviour will be.
Try to have a positive day today, only give him attention when he's doing nice things, don't make a fuss about anything else. Give him lots of attention and tell him you love him.
Also have some chocolate! It's Easter.
So wha would you doing it was your 5 yr old at the table dipping green beans in his water? First I told him to stop otherwise I'd take the water away, then I did take the water away when he carried on and then because he tries to take it back (and almost spilling my wine) I said he had to eat his dinner before he got it back. So tell me what else I should of done!
I fully concede I'm over reacting about the cereal but as its not a one off will be taking a pound off him.
its just he sees something and does it without thinking.
Oh FFS- this is what 5 year olds do!
What parents do is put things out of reach.
Are you really going off on one because your 5 yr old almost knocked something over at the table?
What if it had been a scalding cup of tea- all over himself? Or a pan on the stove?
Would that still be his fault for grabbing them- or yours for not putting them out of his reach?
This is not about your grumpiness- that a reaction to events.
What you need is to have more control, learn to predict what 5 yr olds will do, and act before they do them.
Itll boost your mood and DS might be more inckined to be more careful/ play nicer / do batter at whatever you have praised him for. He wont make an effort if he feels he cant do anything right. And give him a hug.
Xpost thank you good ideas! I need to start seeing the postitives in him.
Its not april 1 until tomorrow - "he just sees something and does it, without thinking" hes FIVE!! YOU are supposed to be the one that thinks.
As for going to the doctor to switch pills - I do hope you are not taking the piss on this too. As someone who has to take ADs i have a bit of a sense of humour failure if i think someone is taking the piss. If you are genuine then yes, i do think talking to your GP is a good idea, get him to prescribe you some perspective.
Give him an easter egg, take him to the party - he is five!
TBH if he wanted to dip his beans in his water I'd have let him. as long as he still ate them. It's just experimenting. I would have gently explained it wasn't good table manners, and not something he should be doing- but there are worse things!!!
I don't understand your post- you said you threatened to take the water away then you did, then he carried on doing it. How could he if you had taken away the water?
YABU. Dipping green beans in his water is blatant attention seeking. Don't give it attention, and as soon as he's doing what he should be, praise him.
The cereal thing, also IMO is attention seeking, perhaps you need to review how much attention he's getting generally...if he doesn't get it by being 'good', he'll just carry on doing irritating stuff to get it instead.
Do not underestimate the power of being off school to turn an averagely behaved child a Tasmanian devil on speed either
Brandy I've started taking money off dd2 because she always helps herself to things she's not supposed to. For example opening bottles of fizzy juice which she knows aren't hers and not putting the top back on so it goes flat.
I don't think it's unreasonable. She understands perfectly that item is not for her, and there are plenty of options which are for her, and which she likes. I've told her and told her and she says sorry every time then does it again.
So now, I take the cost of the item from her. It's stopped her doing it. She would not go into a shop, or anyone else's house, and take something there so I don't see why I shouldn't get the same respect for my things.
The taking crisps when he was told not to would annoy me too. It's the lack of respect for teh boundaries you set and you do right to enforce them.
The green beans, meh, one of those things but when you are already wound up, it wouldn't help.
I would take him to the party - but I'd have the conversation about how he would need to promise I could trust him to behave because he hadn't been very trustworthy at home this weekend.
Should explain, the party would then give him a chance to behave and get some praise and positive attention from me afterwards.
dipping beans into his water? If that had been my 5 year old I wouldve made a joke out of it. I would definitely not be taking a pound from her piggy bank as punishment. God, she'd have no money left if that was her punishment for every little thing she did wrong.
Or, basically, what blue carrot said
Dipping green beans in water would have been frowned upon as bad table manners in my house but since he is 5 Id have said something like "oh, green beans dont like deep water You will frighten them! They LOVE being dipped in tomato ketchup/gravy/whatever is on their plate though" Should be enough of a distraction without being shouty.
I'm not taking the piss Lucy I spoke already to my gp and he switched my pill to the new Yasmin pull to see if I would stop feeling so irritated at everything.
Editable i threatened to take it away and he carried on so then I took it away. I don't need to explain table manners to him he knows already, he knew he wasn't allowed to dip food in water in the first place he's 5 not a baby and knows not to chew with his mouthful, how to use his knife and fork ect ect.
I do need to lighten up a bit don't I.
it's not that are are easily irritated- it's that you aren't anticipating and being consisent with parenting skills.
we have seperate cerial in this house too, I didn't realise it was so ridiculous?
I think missing the party is a bit much but definitely a suitable punishment as it's been constant misbehaving and not listening to you for 2 days now.
1) He nearly spilled your wine.
2) He broke your lamp.
3) He wasted three bags of crisps.
4) He disturbed your bathtime.
And worst of all:
5) He ate your Curiously Cinnamon squares. Srsly. I'd put him on eBay for that alone.
Sounds like you need a break and a bit of TLC OP.
ediblemushroom I think your judgy pants may be hoiked so far up you're in danger or tearing yourself a new one!
OP - I agree with the PP who sai you need a break - it's sometimes hard to get your head around realising that these little people don't think like us big ones - I'm sure that most of his actions are just general 5 yet old behaviour and not naughtiness - I think that's the best way to look at things :-)
he switched my pill to the new Yasmin
Uh-oh. Yasmin is well known (especially in the US) for causing big problems with mood inneedofbrandy.
I have recently discovered this as have been on it for 2 years and having been an immensely laid back person since forever have seen a big shift in my emotional well being.
Google it and definitely speak to your GP.
There's no way I'd be ok with my children dipping food into water at the table at any age. I'm very laid back generally but that wouldn't be acceptable at all and i can't believe so many people think it's ok!
AnothershitIf you can't be judgy on the AIBU forum then where can you be?
The OP did ask.
Blaming her pill for her inability to control her child takes the biscuit.
It's not her overreactions and subsequent grumpiness I'm worried about- it's her lack of anticipation and total amazement that 5yr olds well.....do things just like that- without thinking.
That's why they have parents.
ohmy, of course it's not ok, but it's probably best to not make a huge deal over it...down playing minor naughtiness is usually the best way to go. My God, if each minor transgression by a 5 year old results in not going to parties and taking their pocket money, where else do you have to go when they do something really naughty?!
OP, it probably sounded like I was being sarcastic earlier, but I didn't mean to be. Well done for making the GP appointment.
I find my 5 year old challenging sometimes - and I do mean really challenging - but she's always easier and far better behaved when I am calmer and feeling happier. She is always better when I focus on her good stuff and not on her not so good stuff. It can be bloody difficult sometimes and seem relentless. Good luck with it all and please try and go eady on your little boy.
ahem, easy on him...I have no idea what eady is!
I have my own cereal too, thats not weird. The sprogs have about 8 different kinds, I only eat one type and its all mine!
I wouldn't stop him going to the party, thats OTT, but I might only let him have the most boring cereal for a day or two. Even children that youg need to to learn to respect others and their property.
Don't take money off him - that is silly and a bad pattern to get into. And don't refuse to take him to the party - you are punishing him for your own moodiness if you do that. Other than the crisps, he really hasn't done anything 'naughty' imho.
Don't leave crisps and cereal lying around where he can just take them. I must admit, my children never used to just help themselves to anything as it is (imho) better that they are taught to ask for things, which they might then get or not as I choose. I don't think it's good for 5 year olds to just be able to grab food whenever.
5 year olds knocking stuff over is just part of their job!
Get shredded wheat instead - no child in their right mind would steal shredded wheat.
My DS used to love bran flakes as a child and shreddies.
I have just switched back to the yasmin pill as i was angry, grumpy, depressive full of rage on Mercilon!
After 2 months only Can honestly say i feel a million times happier resulting in dd being happier and not walking on eggshells around me!
Can totally sympathise with your situation
OP, that sort of naughtiness like dipping green beans in water, nicking an extra packet of crisps or stealing some forbidden cereal was the sort of misdemeanour that would make my father irate and decide on punishment as a way of justifying his anger... if he was this angry it was because we had made him angry and thus deserved punishment iyswim.
He would do things like withhold pocket money [rarely gave any pocket money anyway so we barely noticed it ], or decided we weren't to go to a birthday party, or would go to bed without dinner, or take our bedroom door off the hinges for any 'backchat' or somesuch...
Oh yes, he was a bundle of laughs our Dad growing up. I am 40 yo now and have still not forgotten how unreasonable and OTT he was.
Don't let that happen between you and your DS OP!
OP you sound very stressed and need a huge break. Your DS sounds like he needs you to have a break too. I understand you want him to be obedient but you sound excessively angry with him for not listening. There is something bigger going on here than some crisps and cereal. Do you get any chill out time? Is something making you feel like you are being treated unfairly? is your life very stressful? I find when I am feeling low/stressed/exhausted something small my DS (also 5) does seems terrible - straws, camels, backs etc. Your DS is still very little. Take care of yourself and him. He is only a child.
Well we had a lovely day, I made sure to stress how nice the party had been and how good they had both been and what lovely behaviour and sharing went on. Get home ds straight away opens his party bag I say don't eat the lolly as your getting in the bath now and I go into the bathroom to run the bath come back to the living room and he's eating the lolly! I say calmly ds what did I tell you and he said not to eat the lolly and smiled at me and put the lolly back into his mouth! so I told him to put the lolly in the bin. Why can he not just listen
Oh Brandy that's a shame. He should have listened to you about the lolly.
BUT you said you had a good time the rest of the day, which is brilliant. It will take a while but keep going with all the positive stuff. He will get the message in the ended that if he behaves he gets lots of attention. Tomorrow's another day!x
I know but instead of massively over reacting at his smirking I did just let it go and carried on. Normally as well as making him put it in the bin I would be shouting my head off and of sent him straight to bed, so quite happy I stayed calm.
Does really annoy me though as he could of had his cake/chocolate/biscuits/other sweets in the bag but the one thing I told him not to have he has to have urgh.
onwardbound Its not the misdemeanors in themselves that annoy me or make me cross and over react, it's carrying on when I have took it off him/told him to stop, so not the fact he dipped the beans in his water it was that he tried to take the water back after I had took it off him to carry on dipping the bloody beans if that makes sense.
Bloody well done Brandy for staying calm this evening.
Are you by yourself with the children or do you have a partner? I know that I find it tough sometimes as it's just me and I hate the one who always has to be the bad guy with my DDs.
when mine are niggly and annoying like that... they get "trouble" sometimes "big trouble" ds likes trouble so much he sometimes asks for trouble even when he has not been annoying...
trouble comes in 3 varieties:
kissy trouble (for dd)
tickle trouble(for ds) (and occasionally dd)
and big trouble raspberries (mainly ds)
it eases the tension and
stops you throttling the little buggers helps everyone get out of the rut of niggling/whining/snapping/grumbling
Hallelujah that's brilliant. I see my DS might get trouble in future. I've already taught him to have a good whinge. Which he feels quite happy after.
Thank you rindercella yes I'm on my own and always the bad guy.
Trouble sounds fun but my ds is bad enough behaved as it is without doing more
BUT you handled the Lolly incident well. Just keep trying the " minimal attention" and straight forward consequence approach, and hopefully, it will stop happening so much. Also try to give lots of attention whenever he does something right.
It feels weird but does work after a while.
I also think all kids go through a "naughty" stage at about 5. Mine all did.
Do have somewhere and something you can do to destress, a cup of tea and a magazine, in a different room from the kids while they watch a DVD can do it. Or 20 minutes of an exercise video.
Hallelujah I love that idea!
InNeedOf Brandy - you sound pretty stressed.
I think sometimes we get caught up in the little things that we only see the negative - I have certainly bee guilty of that at times.
Then we need to step back and start looking for the good things - like you did at the party. Keep revisiting how good it felt to be proud of them.
children who constantly push boundaries and never listen and just do what they want consistently time after time after time are enough to drive anyone over the edge. Don't tell me none of you have never just snapped whe your kids have been playing up consistently for days and then do something which in the scheme of things is small but added to everything else just is a step too far.
I would have taken the water away too after he had been warned. would have been annoyed about the crisps but ds isn't allowed to help himself to stuff like that he has to ask first, so if he'd then taken three packets I would have been none too impressed.
Children need too lern boundaries, and if they refuse to do so they need to face consequences. I probably wouldn't take money from him but I might be inclined to reconsider the party on the basis he just refuses to listen, but I might give him one more chance ie "if I have to tell you again there will be no party...."
He does constantly push wanabe every single day. I do think it's me though as he behaves perfectly in school and is always coming home with good behaviour letters.
I don't see the problem if he eats and drinks it all and isn't making a mess why not dip beans in water? DS went thru stage of dipping chips in milk. He liked it and is that terribly different to dipping them in sauce? It wasn't like he wasted either and he didn't drip milk everywhere. He just liked the taste. I found it a disgusting mix myself but is that a good eneough reason to tell him not to do it - because it is food I wouldn't mix?
You don't see bad table manners as any issue?
Brandy, there's another thread going on at the moment, which makes incredibly sad reading. It's about the OP's reaction to her 4 year old daughter being a little bit naughty (nicking some Easter eggs). There is a massive difference between your responses. You are so obviously prepared to listen and to take advice and to try and make it better for all of you. That can only be a good thing.
It is so difficult being a single parent at times. I hate that I am the only one who can ever discipline the DDs. I also hate that they have no-one to run to if we've had a fall out. It's had for us Brandy, but it's also hard for them - probably harder in fact.
My 5 year old DD does know exactly what buttons to press to wind me up, but it is up to me as the adult not to rise to them. I'm not always successful, but I have worked on it and do my best to ignore it when she starts. She can go on and on and on at me, just to get a reaction. Once I took myself away from her - to get some space between us and I went to my bathroom and locked the door. She followed me, screaming. And then she picked the lock! I couldn't help but laugh.
My advise really is to put temptations (crisps, your cereal, etc) out of his reach. Pick your battles. Ignore behaviour you know he is doing specifically to wind you up. Distract, distract, distract. And reward his good behaviour.
It is brilliant he is so good at school btw. Good luck with it all.
I know I read that thread this morning, she sounds like how my mum used to be and not who I want to be even though I can see parts of my behaviour towards them in that.
thanks for your time to keep posting rindercella I am definatly going to push myself to be more positive towards the both of them. They are actually really good children that you could take anywhere I'm forever getting compliments about how well brought up they are, I just need to stop being a bitch. My mums house growing up was the type where you'd walk around on eggshells and never laugh and I don't want dc to have the same sort of memories as me.
If this was a stepmum posting this thread she would get a right old pasting.
Hi Brandy I'm sorry things are difficult for you. Don't worry so much about their behaviour and more about how all of you can be happier. Happy Mum equals happy DCs. You sound like you're doing a hard job well. Maybe don't try to control everything so much - did it matter if he was 5 minutes later in the bath? I find if I try and have less of an agenda things are a bit easier but if I get all upset about wanting to have dinner at 5 or something I will be cross with DS when he doesn't have the same aim and delays leaving the park - but it could be bedtime and the long drawn out story when I get really annoyed because that got pushed back later/I'm more tired and stressed... it's not easy.
Kids just don't see things from our perspective. I am constantly explaining 'if we don't do this now, we can't have that later'. I think it's starting to sink in. So if you eat the lollipop, you won't have time to play in the bath b4 bedtime, or bath will run late, no time for story. Sometimes I just explain that things upset me because I don't like them. Possessions I explain if they get broken we may not be able to replace them. If I get cross I try and explain that (i didn't want your toy to get broken) though now he says 'i think you're just tired Mummy'. I don't really bother with punishments tbh. We used to do naughty step. I do get cross (usually if I am tired!) I ask him not to make me cross when he is not doing what I ask, because we'll both end up upset, and again explaining I don't actually like being angry with him and that neither of us will end up winners. And pick your battles. It's not worth it.
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