Is it fair that I am paying hen do costs for those who dropped out?

(79 Posts)
Mashedupbanana Sat 30-Mar-13 21:17:58

I've been invited to a friend's hen do. Her bridesmaids emailed the dates a couple of months ago and estimation of cost at £150pp but were hoping to bring the cost down.
Around 9 replied to say they would attend, however no one was asked for a deposit and we didn't hear any more about the hen until last week.
The bridesmaids booked accommodation and activities (non refundable) based on the 9 but since emailing to say what is now planned some have now dropped out (with good reasons).
The bridesmaids are now splitting the cost of those who have dropped out between those remaining. This seems reasonable enough but the cost has gone up by a further £100 each.
I had agreed to going based on it being £150 not £250 (and that doesn't include the night out).
As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.
I can't really think of a fair solution to this. If the bridesmaids had asked for a deposit before booking it would have been muh simpler, but its too late for that now. What should happen and what would you do?

HollyBerryBush Sat 30-Mar-13 21:20:28

I simply wouldn't go based on cost. You cant afford the new inflated price. Finances dictate I'm afraid.

So many threads on here about lavish hen weekends and the exorbitant price. It causes so much trouble amongst friends

HildaOgden Sat 30-Mar-13 21:25:30

I'd phone the bridesmaids and tell them I simply couldn't afford it now that it has almost doubled in price.

You won't be the only one,I'd say.

scurryfunge Sat 30-Mar-13 21:26:44

If no one went, would the bridesmaids have to cover the cost? They sound a bit dim if they booked and paid without confirmation and deposit. Perhaps they could try to renegotiate prices.

Binkybix Sat 30-Mar-13 21:27:20

Annoying though it is for them, I think those who dropped out should still pay for theirs....

Gooseysgirl Sat 30-Mar-13 21:28:16

Half your wages is waaay too much. I would drop out.. But I see your dilemma!! Really the bridesmaids should have taken non-refundable deposits, then I bet there wouldn't be so many dropping out!

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes Sat 30-Mar-13 21:28:34

I would ring and tell them you can't afford it too, I know it seems unfair on the others, but if you stay in and some more pull out you could end up paying even more.

HollyBerryBush Sat 30-Mar-13 21:29:00

Any chance of rustling up 3 other mates who can take the vacated places?

I find it odd, with everyone on a shoestring, that the bridesmaids booked (and presumably paid) for this trip without either getting deposits beforehand or getting the deposits immediately after.

ENormaSnob Sat 30-Mar-13 21:29:10

How stupid of them to book without deposits off everyone.

I would be very very pissed off at the extra £100 and probably wouldn't go.

LineRunner Sat 30-Mar-13 21:30:12

How much deposit have they paid? I'd probably offer to give them a bit of that andjust not go, based on the odd arrangements unaffordable cost.

b4bunnies Sat 30-Mar-13 21:31:03

how awful for everyone involved. i wish this silly culture of expensive pre-wedding events would fizzle out completely.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 30-Mar-13 21:31:54

Don't go.

It's bloody cheeky asking you to spend that much on a hen night anyway. It used to be a nice meal in a restaurant. Now they go on for days and leave everyone penniless.


No! Why on earth did they book it without confirming beforehand? Saying you'd like to attend is NOT confirming attendance, especially when you didn't know the final price.

SirChenjin Sat 30-Mar-13 21:35:26

Has the bridesmaid already paid the whole total herself? If so, then did she make it clear before people started dropping out that she was going to go ahead and book?

If that was the case then I would push her to get the costs from the other hens. If not, then I think you have to contact her asap and say that you just cannot afford this amount and try and get her to renegotiate a different deal.

Honestly - what is wrong with a meal and drinks?? I just don't get this whole expensive hen/stag thing confused

Mashedupbanana Sat 30-Mar-13 21:36:38

I now only know the bride as my good friend has dropped out and have never met the bridesmaids. I have savings so I do have the money but it's not what I would choose to spend my savings on (especially as the extra £100 is just being flushed away on the empty rooms and missed activities)

MamaBear17 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:36:46

I really hate stuff like this. It isnt fair on you and you should withdraw if you cant afford it. My friend is having two hen nights and they are costing about £80 each before drinks/food. It is in the same month as my dd's birthday, one of the do's is themed and requires a costume, the bridesmaids are wanting extra cash to ensure the bride pays for nothing and I just cant afford it. What I really hate is the feeling I am left with that I am 'letting her down' by not going to both (I am going to one). However, It is just too much money in an already expensive month and will be followed by a wedding which is going to cost us a small fortune too. I do not begrudge people wanting their hen/stag to be special, I just wish that people would take in to account other people's budgets before planning something so expensive.

Fleecyslippers Sat 30-Mar-13 21:36:52

An extra £20 or so would be fine but £100 extra ? No way - you are perfectly within your rights to drop out or say that you will only be paying the original price quoted.

How soon is it?

I would reply saying you really can't afford that, are there any ways they can bring it down to £150 again as that's what you'd budgeted.

karatekimmi Sat 30-Mar-13 21:40:55

I'd say no as you thought it would be £150 and you can't afford an extra £100 on top. If anyone else pulls out then it will be more again. Maybe offer to go if you can only pay the £150 but can't afford anymore.

Mashedupbanana Sat 30-Mar-13 21:41:57

It's in under 2 weeks and I know they've had a nightmare finding accommodation so I don't think there can easily be an accommodation change at this late stage sad

LineRunner Sat 30-Mar-13 21:44:40

Seriously they should cancel it and everyone chips in towards the lost deposit.

They can't have paid in full as they haven't had any money off people yet.

ChasedByBees Sat 30-Mar-13 21:44:53

£100 extra is ridiculous. I think the bride needs to find some back up hens!

peacefuleasyfeeling Sat 30-Mar-13 21:46:51

Please don't go. On principle. You will be playing catch up financially for ages and resenting having gone. Think of all the things you could do for £100. As hard as it may feel, try to find the courage to be assertive and say no. The bridesmaids who organised it really need to take responsibility for lunching out the finer details of their arrangements. How they do that is up to them.

I really hope no-one's been daft enough to pay for that all up front.

Extra hens sound like the best bet.

But it's not right for you to pay so much extra.

onedev Sat 30-Mar-13 21:52:32

They need to ask those who have dropped out to make a contribution towards the costs. Id also try to find others to go, especially if you have another friend you can ask.

very good point karate. OP you won't be the only one thinking WTF? and the minute someone else drops out you'll all receive an email asking you for another £30, then a few days later a further £50

That's a shit load of money to be spending on a weekend away with people you don't know. Why can't people just have a piss up in a local club?! So much pressure to Do Stuff!

BadabingBadabong Sat 30-Mar-13 22:07:05

Just say no. You'll feel bad, but you'll probably feel worse spending all that money on what may be a shit weekend.

Snazzynewyear Sat 30-Mar-13 22:08:45

The bridesmaids have been the unreasonable ones here. They should not have booked anything without a) telling you what they had in mind first and b) checking everyone could still do it. As it is, they ought to be the ones liable for the extra costs as they made a foolish decision without consulting anyone else.

What exactly is it that they've booked? If it's accommodation, why not cancel the unneeded rooms, and at least then they would only be down the deposit? confused Unless they've booked something like Travelodge-style cheap deal no refund rooms. What else have they booked that can't be refunded? It's really very misguided of them.

I would say you will go at the price originally quoted but you don't think it's fair to have to pay an extra £100 for a) something you won't actually get any benefit from (if it's wasted rooms, for instance) and b) where it's not you that has pulled out. They can't actually make you pay, so make it clear that you will not be paying the extra costs. You will either pay £150 as originally asked, or you will also be pulling out and therefore they will have to account for your share as well.

In fact, can you contact the other remaining hens and suggest you all say the same thing? That way, none of you who have stuck with it lose out, as if you all stick together there's no way this can be forced on you.

If I were the bridesmaids, I would be chasing the drop-outs for money, and/or trying my hardest to either get a full/partial refund after all, or reselling whatever I had paid for to other people.

Snazzynewyear Sat 30-Mar-13 22:10:09

Plus if you're going to have a big do like that, you need to sort it all out well in advance to expect people to commit to it and potentially save the money. When I went on something similar, all the arrangements were made 2/3 months in advance and had been discussed before that. And it still didn't cost that much.

joanofarchitrave Sat 30-Mar-13 22:10:21

I would ring the bridesmaids and ask for crisis measures. Can they demand refunds, or sell the extra places on ebay or gumtree or something? It's hard on the other hens if you pull out at this stage but what a complete arse-up.

BOEUF Sat 30-Mar-13 22:13:37

I agree they should cancel and get everyone, including the drop-outs, to chip in for the deposit. Hideous situation.

And this is precisely why when I organised my sister's hen I got everyone to pay upfront before I paid for anything...

Op I'd do as someone else suggested - say you'll pay the 150 originally agreed but won't be paying the extra 100

I don't even agree the dro outs should pay in this case. If they'd been asked to commit, fair enough, but assuming this initial email was a vague "expression of interest" thing then I@d assume I was under no obligation until I was either asked for a deposit or someone said "I am about to pay £X per person, so please confirm or I'll assume you're not coming"

My cousin had a hen do - her future SIL organised it. We were given loads of notice with an initial estimate of the costs (which ended up being bang on) and plenty of follow up emails making the point at which we needed to be "in or out" clear. When we got there, the SIL and her family had spent absolutewly loads of money doing the place up and buying each of the hens a gift! so she/they had already spent well over and above their share of the accommodation.

Floggingmolly Sat 30-Mar-13 22:29:35

£250 before the actual night out? shock
It's time to return to the days of dancing round your handbag and going for a curry <cats bum>
What is the £250 actually for?

Icelollycraving Sun 31-Mar-13 05:44:40

So on the figures given it was going to cost £1350 for 9 of you. It is now £1350 but £250 each? So,there is (just over) 5 people going now.
They are foolish to not get deposits ftom anyone.
The problem is if you drop out,that'll be quite a big chunk for the others to pay,the less people going the heftier the bill. Saying that,you will probably find that others will start to back out too.
This frankly is a nightmare. I assume you have to add drinks,meals,travel & tips on to this £250. No way!!
I would email or call & say you are happy to come for £150 but you would not have agreed to come originally for £250.
Poor bride,bet she hasn't a clue this is all going on.
I haven't ever done all this for a hen. Mine was dinner & drinks,had a great night but people didn't have to bankrupt themselves.

vivizone Sun 31-Mar-13 06:12:00

Sounds a mess. You will also have to factor spending money. You could easily blow £500 by the end of the trip. It's best to say no now rather than wait closer to the time. I hate stuff like this, it's so stressful and saying "no" is not that easy especially when it's supposed to be someone's happy occasion.

DeafLeopard Sun 31-Mar-13 06:28:41

Don't waste your money just cos organiser didn't get deposits and others have dropped out.

Another one sick of OTT hen and stag dos.

Tee2072 Sun 31-Mar-13 07:55:33

Hen dos are so stupid for this very reason. What's wrong with a nice meal out and some pub crawling?!?!

Drop out. Tell them why and that they were very very stupid to book without confirming numbers from months ago.

Well done icelolly, I knew there should be some way to work out the exact figures.
Next person to drop out will add another ~£60 to everyone else's bill. And they will drop out, they'll be dropping like flies!

Tailtwister Sun 31-Mar-13 08:47:42

No, I don't think it's fair OP. That's a huge difference in cost.

The organisers should never have booked it without collecting deposits from people. These things are notorious for people dropping out. I agree that those who have cancelled should have to pay something towards it, but it might be hard if nothing was agreed up front.

Loislane78 Sun 31-Mar-13 09:01:36

What kind of tomfoolery is this money paying for??? We need to know OP!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 31-Mar-13 09:09:38

Just drop out. You cannot afford an extra £100.

Or more.

Is everyone who is left going to do it? Or will you get there and find that there are yet more no shows and you are hammered for £300, or £350?

I bet those who have dropped out just dropped out and aren't thinking about the extra money the others have to pay! You're very nice to feel bad for others, but you can't spend half your wages for them.

kungfupannda Sun 31-Mar-13 09:13:46

Just tell them that you can't afford £250 and would never have agreed to spending this much. It's not your problem that someone else has been completely daft and is now expecting other people to sort the problem out by paying vast amounts of extra money.

I would bet anything that more people drop out for that very reason - do you want to be one of about three or four people left, scratching around for a few hundred pounds each? It sounds like a financial disaster waiting to happen and I would be extracting myself from it asap.

ZillionChocolate Sun 31-Mar-13 10:08:07

I definitely think you need to say you agreed on the basis it was £150 and you do not have £250 to spend. I agree there's a risk it will spiral further out of control. I feel sorry for bridesmaids faced with this headache but it's largely self inflicted.

GetOeuf Sun 31-Mar-13 10:14:39

What lungful said. Don't feel that you have to chip into your savings fgs in order to go on a spa day or cocktail making lessons or something ghastly because the organiser hasn't been sensible enough to get the deposits off everyone. You don't even know anyone apart from the bride. Why stump up 250 quid for a weekend where you barely know anyone. It's not your problem that they have organised this so badly so don't feel obliged to pay all this money in order to solve someone else's problem.

GetOeuf Sun 31-Mar-13 10:15:04

Lungful? Kungfu I mean.

Pickles101 Sun 31-Mar-13 10:16:10

I agree with the others - you should not go. It's nice of you to feel sorry that they'll have to take on your costs too - but that's their problem now. You cannot afford it.

SneakyNinja Sun 31-Mar-13 10:18:47

I'd drop out without an ounce of guilt. Mind you, I get unreasonably pissed off about elaborate hen/ stag celebrations. I mean seriously when did these things turn into holidays!? hmm

LetMeAtTheWine Sun 31-Mar-13 10:31:03

I would say you agreed to £150 and that was your max budget so cannot afford to go above this, and leave it with them.

It is a rubbish situation for the organisers to be in but it isn't of your doing so don't feel bad about it.

Mashedupbanana Sun 31-Mar-13 10:37:33

Thanks all, I've emailed to suggest that I just drive there and back for the 'activity' and suggested they lose the accommodation deposit and everyone who dropped out pays for that (including me).
If that is an extortionate amount then I will just pay the £200 for the two night accom and activity but just stay the first night and call it quits for the second night. I'll lose the accommodation money but at least I'm not forking out another £50 for booze, club entry etc and £30 for food.

It will be a lesson learnt for me and my last hen do, that's for sure!

I don't think anyone else will drop out now
as I think those remaining are bridesmaids and family. Ugh what a mess.

Mia4 Sun 31-Mar-13 11:41:16

YANBU they said max £150, they should have checked and got deposits in advance or used one of the many online places where you organise all and pay your own deposit- to confirm place-and then the rest in installments.

Other people are probably PO at the cost too and may drop out, does that mean they'll charge you more? £150 if it's all inclusive is pretty decent, I know i went on one that was £200 for four days including all food and drink and club and spa but if it's not you're looking at forking out even more on top of that.

Tell them in the nicest way possible to jog on. You do not book these things without def confirmation and deposits. You certainly don't expect people to foot the bill for your mistake. And if they want to get technical they should ask the dropouts to pay a deposit to cover but tbh it's too late now and they should have got it earlier and confirmed.

RenterNomad Sun 31-Mar-13 17:12:10

If I were the bride, I would be mortified by my bridesmaids' incompetence and insensitivity, and would be having strong words with them for alienating my friends. If she isn't paying for herself already (a practice I abhor), now would be a good time for her to do that, and keep her remaining friends.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Mar-13 17:16:54

I'm sure if you said to the bride, "Listen, I'm going to lose a couple of hundred pounds here. Would you prefer the cash or my company?" she'd have her hand out pretty quickly.

GrowSomeCress Sun 31-Mar-13 18:10:17

That is ridiculous - the whole hen/stag culture is getting OTT now.

LIZS Sun 31-Mar-13 18:14:34

How many have dropped out ? Must be almost half for that sort of increase. Agree just tell the bride it is beyond your budget now.

PurpleBlossom Sun 31-Mar-13 19:18:50

How ridiculous.

The bridesmaids sound like a bunch of numpties and I'd want to know exactly what the other plans are, to check they haven't ballsed-up anything else.

I'd also only be paying the agreed £150 and if they complained dropping out too!

Please tell us the activity is OP?? I need to know! grin

Mashedupbanana Sun 31-Mar-13 20:09:22

The activity is 'Its a Knock Out' which I'm sure will be fun and the bride is really keen on and this is the only thing she stipulated doing, it's a min of 8 to go so we have to stump up for the ones not going.

I am now the only one who is not a bridesmaid / close family. The bride is v generous and I'm sure will be paying for the dresses, shoes, hotel for these others at the wedding so they probably don't mind paying a bit more for the hen do. I'm going to email tonight to say I just can't go over £250 total and see what they suggest. Thanks for all your help, I was thinking maybe I was being a bit of a misery guts grin

Say you can't go over £200 and see what they say.

In terms of the activity, can;t they see if they can get some other friends or family along, including blokes?

Though even £200 for one weekend is still alot to ask!

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes Sun 31-Mar-13 20:41:20

You sound like a very good friend. You'd have to pay me about £250 to get me to do It's a Knockout!

Floggingmolly Sun 31-Mar-13 21:20:28

£250 each to do It's a Knockout... Why, in the name of God, why?

Snazzynewyear Sun 31-Mar-13 21:39:37

Tell them you can only pay the £150 for the activity and will have to drop out if it costs any more. I take it you haven't yet handed over any money? They will have to either split it between the others or chase the drop outs for their share.

If all the others sticking with it will get their hotel room and stuff paid for at the wedding, but you won't, I would be even more insistent that £150 is your limit.

JammySplodger's suggestion is good - they need to get more people to fill the spaces.

Mashedupbanana Sun 31-Mar-13 23:29:53

The £250 is for 2 nights accommodation, it's a knockout and some food. We can't get others to join us for the activity as its a good few hours from where anyone lives (hence the hotel).
Right I've sent email saying I can't go above £250 total and I'll see what they say.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:01

It is bloody absurd to spend that amount of money on a weekend away for someone that is about to get married. What happened to the old night on the town thing?

Absolutely bloody ridiculous.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 11:17:44

I think you're absolutely mad to pay half of your monthly wage on a hen weekend and I think the bride and bridesmaids are out of their minds, too.

Is it something like this? They say you have to have eight there anyway, so your numbers would be too low to do it. They also allow you to cancel. When is the hen weekend?

I would actually let them know, either by e-mail or drop it into conversation, that it's half your monthly wage. It might well be peanuts for them.

WinkBingo Mon 01-Apr-13 18:01:45

I thought you couldn't go as high as £250? confused

I wouldn't be subbing everyone else with my hard-earned because of someone else's mistake.

You started off NBU, now, I think YABU by chucking your money away. confused

expatinscotland Mon 01-Apr-13 18:20:41

'As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.'

Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to attend? You work part-time and she wants £250+ for a fucking hen do? 'No,' is a complete sentence.

EmmaDale Mon 01-Apr-13 18:41:03

I simply wouldn't go. I feel sorry for the Bride but I don't think that the organisers have done her any favours.

From the info you've given, it doesn't sound as if you can comfortably afford to spend £250. It is a heck of a lot of money for a Hen do.

I detest the fashion for extended Hen celebrations - a night out is great but I honestly don't want to spend a lot of money or time with 9 other random women whilst I pretend to enjoy drinking silly amounts of alcohol, screechy loud conversations (with fake laughter) and pink girly stuff!.

As expat said, no is a complete sentence.

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:50

Are you absolutely sure that deposits have actually been paid.

We had a thread last year where all the above and it turned out there was no deposit paid.

Call the venue.

musicismylife Tue 02-Apr-13 12:11:25

Hi op, I remember a similar thread about a hen do where the bride to be was caught out.

Hissy, I think we could be on about the same one. Usually accommodation is refundable within reasonable notice.

houseworkhater Tue 02-Apr-13 12:26:24

What a nightmare.

I have never been on a do where I didn't have to pay a deposit. How silly was the bridesmaid to book without full deposits.

I also don't hold with this business of price increases, a quote is a quote. It is so unfair to add on an extra £100 for someone's hen do!!!!

Seriously people there are so many threads like this why feel the need to be so excessive?

Have a meal and a drink in a pub.

SavoyCabbage Tue 02-Apr-13 12:28:45

I would call the venue too and try to overthrow the whole thing from the inside.

I, too, read this and thought about that previous thread. I certainly wouldn't be parting with money without any evidence of actual costs and any money paid out by organisers.

houseworkhater Tue 02-Apr-13 12:30:37

Oh I've also organised lots of trips to the theatre.

I have never exceeded the quote.

Simply ring the theatre get a quote and seat availability. Then ring the mini bus company get a quote and min/max seat numbers, relay this info. Get numbers with the full amount needed to secure the event. Book event. If someone pulls out you have their money and can try and sell their place, if not, no loss as all money collected.

marquesas Tue 02-Apr-13 12:41:24

Please don't go, I actually feel a bit sick at the thought of you paying half your wages for something like this. Just explain it's too expensive, say sorry and try not to dwell on it. I can't believe the bride would want you to feel like this.

LemonBreeland Tue 02-Apr-13 12:52:29

I think you are being very generous in your email OP. I agree with many others that you should drop out entirely.

It is not your fault thatthis event was badly planned, and you shouldn't have to suffer financially for it.

CocacolaMum Tue 02-Apr-13 13:47:35

I would say don't go.
When I got hitched I just had a drink at my sisters and then a meal out for hen do.. mainly because 1 of my friends had 200 miles to travel and I thought it was unfair to expect her to pay for more than the Travelodge she was staying in to be able to be there.. forward to her hen do.. she has 2. One was a night out in blackpool I had to travel 200 miles plus had to pay out for meal, bars, VIP area in a nightclub and then was made to feel bad that I hadn't turned up with a gift!! Next is the important one (because I am a bridesmaid I HAD to be there) which is a weekend in center parcs. I have already shelled out £150 for accommodation and I have NO idea how much it costs once you are there (The maid of honour has told me that we are only eating out once thank god) but I do not have a good feeling!! I am the only one of us all with a family (and therefore far less disposable income) but I just didn't feel like I could say no because the other 2 bridesmaids are already annoyed that I can't/won't offer to pay for my dress, shoes and accessories for the wedding (£200 dress, £50 shoes and £50 jacket) sad

Next time I get asked to be a part of someones wedding I think I will have to say no. Its all just far too pricey

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