to think sis is out of order?

(77 Posts)
appletarts Fri 29-Mar-13 19:07:11

I left dd (3yrs old) with sister all day and she was recovering from being ill, dd that is. She has only spent time alone with sis once before and not all day. Just as I was leaving sister said she hoped I wouldn't be phoning a lot, I said I would phone as much as I felt I needed to and she said that if I did she didn't want to look after dd (all this with dd standing there!). I said I would phone if I felt I needed to because I am her mother and she said laughing oh well I won't answer it then!! She also went on and on about taking dd to library when dd was still a bit ill.

The next day dd said that sis didn't cuddle her when she cried. I thought it sounded a bit odd but sis can also be very frosty. So I asked sis what dd had said and sis said she did cuddle her and she thinks in future we ought to pay a nanny as I am "suspicious and anxious" and she can't just get on with enjoying babysitting. I honestly thought she'd say of course she had cuddled her and we'd have a giggle about dd being a bit of a minx. I didn't feel suspicious and anxious but want to feel I can call to see how they are doing and if dd tells me something has happened I will ask cos that's what a good mother does surely?!

She has only babysat for dd a couple of times in 3 years. She plays lots of mind games with us and I think her responses here are odd to say the least.

jkklpu Fri 29-Mar-13 19:10:14

If you're so worried about your dsis, why did you leave your dd with her in the first place? What kind of guidance did you give her before you left, eg what activities were good to do, whether to take her out, what to feed her, what to do if she hurt herself? Some of this may be strange, but it's strange not to have discussed it all in advance.

HollyBerryBush Fri 29-Mar-13 19:12:47

I wouldn't babysit for you - constant phone calls would drive me round the bend.

Frankly, if your child is ill, your place is with the child - unless there are extenuating circumstances such as your job being jeopardy and you have no other means of keeping a roof over your head.

Nanny0gg Fri 29-Mar-13 19:12:49

Why did you leave her with your sister?
She's not used to her and you clearly don't think she knows what she's doing.

There also seems to be a back story here too.

parakeet Fri 29-Mar-13 19:13:40

You shouldn't keep phoning though - you should trust her to phone you if something goes wrong and assume everything's fine unless you hear otherwise.

You do sound suspicious and anxious, sorry. Probably best you don't ask your sister to babysit in future, sounds like it will harm your relationship.

PurplePidjin Fri 29-Mar-13 19:13:53

Easy - don't leave your child with someone you don't trust.

She's not your employee.
If I were doing you a favour like that, I would not appreciate being grilled over my standards of care wink
You know your sister and felt happy enough to leave her there, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. grin

UnChartered Fri 29-Mar-13 19:14:26

did you pay your Dsis?

I wouldn't babysit for you either.

cookielove Fri 29-Mar-13 19:16:53

Agree with others, you clearly don't trust your sister why did you leave your sick dd with her? And if my sister rang me constantly i would ignore the phone calls to, but then she trust me smile

INeedThatForkOff Fri 29-Mar-13 19:17:40

Have you been feeding your DD your misgivings about your sister? Or did you interrogate her about the day? Seems an odd thing for a child tp mention spontaneously.

I wouldn't want to babysit for you either tbh. You seem to want a favour on your own terms.

landofsoapandglory Fri 29-Mar-13 19:20:00

I agree with everyone else.

You obviously don't trust your DSis to look after your DD, so she is right you should employ a nanny or CM in the future.

Don't leave your child with anyone who plays mind games and doesn't fully want to communicate with you, whether they are related or not. She obviously has a problem with you, unless absolutely essential don't allow her to be able to include your DD in her games.

appletarts Fri 29-Mar-13 20:25:57

I think it is unreasonable to tell a mother how often she can call to find out how her child is doing. I phoned 3 times in a 9 hour day. Had to take other child to hospital.

UnChartered Fri 29-Mar-13 20:27:18

you need this to sort that drip, OP

simplesusan Fri 29-Mar-13 21:13:23

I think yabu.
You do sound suspicious and over anxious.
I wouldn't leave dc with your sis again.

HollyBerryBush Fri 29-Mar-13 21:16:25

Alternatively OP - if you choose to leave your child with someone you trust, then you trust they will call you if something is amiss.

If you don't trust them and perpetually check up, then you shouldn't be leaving the child in the first place.|

It was your sister doing you a favour, not the other way round - her rules apply.

appletarts Fri 29-Mar-13 21:25:30

What nonsense! The babysitter decides the rules, utter nonsense. I have babysat for lots of children and have always followed the mothers direction on everything and been happy to talk about how child is doing and not been so suspicious and nutty myself as to think I am being checked up on, rather mum is checking in.

BlingLoving Fri 29-Mar-13 21:30:10

Yabu. Why call? Surely if you trust her to look after dd you trust her to call if there's a problem.

At most, I might text to see how things are. And your sis going on about it at the beginning makes me think you have form for crazy levels of checking up.

pinkyredrose Fri 29-Mar-13 21:30:31

OP you sound OTT. What did you keep calling about? "has she eaten, napped, had a shit etc?"

You either trust your Dsis or you don't.

Nope, don't call. The babysitter will call with any issues. 3 times in 9 hours and she is with your sister hmm

Rikalaily Fri 29-Mar-13 21:47:13

I agree with BlingLoving It sounds to me like she made the comment because she expected lots of check up calls. I would be majorly pissed if I were baby sitting for my sister and she called that many times, I'd expect her to trust me to call if needed (child sick, child upset and wanting to talk to mummy etc), a quick text now and then to ask how they are is normal, repeated phone calls is not.

3 calls in 9 hours is excessive, if your child is with someone who you trust that is just way too many calls, a text or two is one thing but calling that often is overbearing.

From your OP and your last reply you sound like a very anxious mum, which is fine, but you shouldn't be annoyed at your sister when you have made her feel like she can't be trusted with your child.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 29-Mar-13 22:13:39

I think your sis does sound odd. I'd have phoned even my DH or DM 3 times in 9 hrs when they had DS when he was that age. I don't see anything unusual in that. I would've not been anxious or suspicious, just being communicative, supportive. I wouldn't leave DS with someone who didn't want me to phone. I fully trust my DH and DM to look after DS. I don't see the issue with phoning. Do people think if a parent phones they are checking up on them/don't trust them? Very odd attitude. I don't know why everyone is calling the OP anxious/suspicious. It is clear there are some issues with DSis.
OP I am sorry you had to leave your child with someone whom you don't appear to trust. Go with your gut instinct. Odd behaviour from your sister to not want you to phone. If you are irrationally anxious about your DD surely she would be happy to reassure you all was well.

ceeveebee Fri 29-Mar-13 22:22:25

I agree with your sister - next time pay a nanny
Either you trust her - in which case don't call - or you don't, in which case don't leave her with your DD
Sounds to me as if your DSIS didn't really want to babysit so was doing you a favour

ballstoit Fri 29-Mar-13 22:23:58

YABU. My DD is 3, I don't ring anyone who's looking after her for a day, I trust anyone I leave her with to ring me if there's a problem.

When I babysit for DTNephews, SIL or DB do text every few hours normally, but they're under a year and have specific health issues.
and they are concerned I may be feeding them chocolate, instead of brocolli

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 22:26:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggytape Fri 29-Mar-13 22:39:15

YABU - DSis is doing you a favour. Having someone call to check if all is O.K every few hours is annoying and does come across as being untrusting. Of course though DSis must promise to call you though if anything happens.

It sounds like she's right - you don't trust her in which case YABY to let her babysit at all - even in an emergency. If you have doubts and suspect your DSis of emotionally manipulating DD, being frosty and odd YABU to leave DD there. It doesn't sound as if either of them enjoy it. Phoning every 3 hours is not a substitute for leaving DD with someone you feel comfortable with.

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 22:42:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel Fri 29-Mar-13 23:10:37

Babysitter makes the rules? Are you real? When I look after people dcs they trust me enough to know how I do things is ok for them to leave their dcs with. I wouldn't sit for you again. sis was very capable of getting in touch with you if there was an emergency, anything else and surely you trusted her judgement on how to spend the day ? You do sound a bit of a nightmare.

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 23:11:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apileofballyhoo Fri 29-Mar-13 23:26:59

Just to be clear- YANBU

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 23:39:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

appletarts Sat 30-Mar-13 07:22:00

Thank you kotinka! Since when has it been unreasonable to check in with child when hundreds of miles away and child is recovering from illness...pah!

QuintEggSensuality Sat 30-Mar-13 07:30:38

Of course you had to agree with the lone voice. grin

OTT to keep phoning. Your sis would phone you if there was an issue.

I dont believe babysitters should dictate, but use their judgement as to whether a phone-call is necessary or not.

Over-anxious mothers are not good for childrens development, i cant see what such frequent calls would achieve other than reinforcing to your dc that she was not actually in a safe place.

AmberLeaf Sat 30-Mar-13 07:38:39

I think YABU.

Not because you wanted to know how DD was, but because of what you said about checking with DD? She is 3 and you sound like you wanted to question her on what she sister did/said?

It sounds like your sister said what she said because she anticipated lots of calls from you. That would imply that you would do this sort of checking up whether she was ill or not.

It is very easy to pass on anxiousness to children, that then can make the child anxious and isn't a good thing.

I would suggest you work on your feelings of anxiousness and try to get on top of them.

TheFallenNinja Sat 30-Mar-13 07:40:44

Asking for a favour and the dictating terms isn't really the way to go. I think I'd probably decline.

AmberLeaf Sat 30-Mar-13 07:41:04

Also that 'checking' with your DD, be careful with that too, that could lead to some manipulative behavior when your DD clocks on to the fact that her answers to your questioning have some sway.

If I were OP sister I'd be too busy to babysit for about, oooh, the next 12 years..... wink

Groovee Sat 30-Mar-13 07:42:42

It would depend how often you were phoning. I normally text to check on my children. I don't get much time when at work and a grandparent is looking after a sick child, so a text is quicker and less hassle.

But really instead of drip feeding you should have said all your drip feeding follow ups in the OP.

appletarts Sat 30-Mar-13 07:44:17

Oh what a load of nonsense. I will stick in future to the lovely friends I have who sit for us and answer the phone happily and follow mums instructions. I feel sorry for you lot who have sitters who do it their way and not yours!

DontmindifIdo Sat 30-Mar-13 07:45:30

YABU - if you want to dictate terms, pay someone - if someone is doing you a favour, it's not down to you to dictate how the favour is done.

this is why family doing childcare always looks like a good option (mainly because it's free) but it's on the understanding you as the parent give up a lot more control than you would if you paid someone ot look after your DC.

Next time, pay a babysitter.

LondonKitty Sat 30-Mar-13 07:47:06

Seems to me your sister expected you to be anxious and suspicious. Are you known for being a bit precious with your dc?

And... don't you see that if you are asking someone for a favour, then you have to be a bit flexible with what suits them?

And... you mentioned your dd can be a bit of a minx, so surely you need to give your sister credit for dealing with that too?

(methinks some evidence of family traits here wink...)

And... Why didn't you thank Apileofballyhoo when you thanked Kotinka? Her post is quite fervently standing up for you....

fedupofnamechanging Sat 30-Mar-13 07:48:32

I think your sister sounds cold. If I had to take a child to hospital and therefore had to leave my other child with someone who they didn't have a particularly close relationship with, I would want to check in every few hours just to reassure myself that all is well. I'd also want to have a little chat to my child on the phone, because 9 hours is a long time when you are 3 and your mum isn't there and you don't really know your babysitter.

I think telling the OP to book a nanny next time was especially bitchy given the OP was at hospital, not out having a good time.

HamAlive Sat 30-Mar-13 07:49:18

It's not that the sitters do it their way, it's just that no one else leaves their child with someone they don't trust, so don't need to call several times.

QuintEggSensuality Sat 30-Mar-13 07:50:12

erm... I have NEVER phoned my sitters, other than informing them if I am running late coming home.

Dictating what the do with your child is different from checking up on them making a point you dont trust them. Very rude.

QuintEggSensuality Sat 30-Mar-13 07:51:09

Hamandsam said what I was trying to say.

Thank you for your passive aggressive pity but its quite unnecessary since my DC are 16 and 17 and no longer require babysitters.
And when you are as long in the tooth as me, you will look back on your OP and cringe grin

QuintEggSensuality Sat 30-Mar-13 07:52:05

HamAlive !!!!! confused

cjel Sat 30-Mar-13 10:35:30

I still can't get over the idea of my sister having to 'follow instructions' on how to look after my kids. I too am long in the tooth - Mum to 2 adults, auntie to 17 Nannie to 5, great aunty to 12 and run a toddler group,I too think that when you have more experience you will cringe at your OP. Or do you think you are right always? didn't really want to hear whether you were BU or not and just wanted us to say your sister was?

ApocalypseThen Sat 30-Mar-13 11:52:11

I think you're getting a fairly accurate picture of how most people would feel, OP. If you don't trust someone, don't leave your child with them. If you choose to leave your child with them, don't make a nuisance of yourself by interrupting them with overly-frequent calls. They have lives, too.

If someone is doing you a favour, they're not staff, and if you treat them as though they are, they won't be doing you any favours again.

appletarts Sat 30-Mar-13 18:33:21

I didn't say I didn't trust her, I did and do. I phoned 3 times, once to see if she had settled in, once to tell sis how to use thermometer (couldn't work it) and once to say we were on our way back. I don't think that is anxious and didn't feel anxious. Didn't leave instructions, what for?! I am saying that I think a mother ought to feel free to phone her child when child is in the care of someone else. I think a paranoid mind would think I was checking up, a sensible mind would think I was checking in. Sis is capable and kind to dd BUT is very unaffectionate and physically frosty. DD said when she cried sister didn't hug her, I didn't question her over things she volunteered this info. TBH I was too busy with other child who had been to hospital.

Drip, drip, drip!

Posterofapombear Sat 30-Mar-13 18:40:03

No I'm not you are all wrong!
Love these threads.

Lottashakingoinon Sat 30-Mar-13 18:43:44

You left a sick 3 year old child and went 100s of miles away?????????????????

Lottashakingoinon Sat 30-Mar-13 18:45:26

Okay, sorry I've just clicked that you were with a child in hospital. I guess that is as good a reason as any.

But that is some spectacular drip feeding!

SawyerHuckleberry Sat 30-Mar-13 18:47:58

I will stick in future to the lovely friends I have who sit for us and answer the phone happily and follow mums instructions

Whilst rolling their eyes and giving your child another pombear.

You sound like a nightmare to babysit for. Your sister was doing you a favour - either show some appreciation or ask someone else.

moonabove Sat 30-Mar-13 18:53:49

So your sis is 'capable and kind'. That is good, you can trust her to look after your child.

She is also 'very unaffectionate and physically frosty'. Sounds very negative but, taking that at face value, if you know that she is like that why are you surprised that she didn't cuddle dd? Why did you feel the need to verify what your dd had told you?

She's right you know, it does sound 'suspicious and anxious' and very ungrateful for a valuable favour.

TheEasterQODdy Sat 30-Mar-13 19:02:07


Repeat ad infinitum

No I'm not ....

cjel Sat 30-Mar-13 19:05:37

Yes and 'sitter should follow instructions' But I wasn't checking in reallyyyyyy!!

SawyerHuckleberry Sat 30-Mar-13 19:14:55

Also yesterday was Good Friday therefore I'm guessing the majority of your lovely friends would have had the day off work. Some would also have children off from school.

But you still chose your frosty sister?

Odd choice to make.

AllOverIt Sat 30-Mar-13 19:20:32

Why ask if you are being unreasonable and then get pissy when the general consensus is yes!

I think you sound a bit OTT. I wouldn't babysit for you if it was me. A simple text to say 'on our way' is fine.

appletarts Sat 30-Mar-13 19:22:00

Oh well I suppose I'm one of those people who asks aibu and then decides they know best. I'm not unreasonable, sis is a bitch and won't be asking the uptight anti-Semitic, point-scoring witch for another favour, that felt great! I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT HA HA HA HA, such fun!

UnChartered Sat 30-Mar-13 19:23:25

how lovely of you

free childcare and your sister is a bitch hmm

AllOverIt Sat 30-Mar-13 19:30:57

You sound a bit mad

MiaowTheCat Sat 30-Mar-13 19:33:57

Good god.

Don't leave your child with someone you don't trust and don't even seem to like - it's simple.

You sound pretty difficult to deal with yourself to be honest and I would have told you to find someone else in future if you'd gone on like that towards me.

SawyerHuckleberry Sat 30-Mar-13 19:45:19

You sound severely unhinged.

I hope your children do not take after their mother.

moonabove Sat 30-Mar-13 19:46:07

On behalf of your sister - please don't ask her for another favour.

crashdoll Sat 30-Mar-13 19:55:12

You're treating her like an employee! She's your sister. You sound a right PITA and I don't know why you bothered posting but you obviously do not think YABU. These threads are so boring when OPs only want validating and then get irrate when not everyone agrees with their POV.

I'm surprised your sister agreed to babysit when this is the way you act

SneakyNinja Sat 30-Mar-13 20:04:50

Are you ok OP? >buhmm<

Think I'll watch this one it looks...interesting.
(quickly checks calendar to see if it's half term)

SneakyNinja Sat 30-Mar-13 20:05:58

Obviously what I meant to say was hmm

SummerInSicilia Sat 30-Mar-13 20:21:09

OP, why do you think it's ok to make your sister feel so undervalued? She loves you, and your DC, and has tried to help you out. She will feel like shit now. Unfair and hurtful.

HildaOgden Sat 30-Mar-13 21:21:40

I know you say your sister is 'odd'.....but to honest,your last post didn't make you seem too great yourself.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 30-Mar-13 21:23:07

So now she's an anti-semite? Anything else you want to drip feed? Hairy upper lip, meths drinker? biscuit

olivertheoctopus Sat 30-Mar-13 23:49:37

All sounds odd. I wouldn't leave my child with someone I didn't trust and if I did trust them I wouldn't keep phoning up. I think you both sound as bad as each other, sorry.

Bat. Shit. Crazy.

pinkyredrose Sun 31-Mar-13 11:21:30

OP is busy reading the Daily Mail and stroking her chin.

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