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to think you SHOULD have sex before marriage?

(101 Posts)

Watching 40 year old virgins on telly with DP (who I am living in sin with grin) and a bloke on the program is struggling as he was bought up to think that sex before marriage is wrong.

I personally think that sex is apart of getting know someone and going a way to fully understand your attraction and compatibility - therefore is essential before committing your life to that person.

I'm genuinely interested in what other people think. I went to a Catholic school so was bombarded with very strong "truths" to do with marriage etc.

sicutlilium Thu 28-Mar-13 22:20:36

I completely agree: preferably with lots of other people grin.

shallweshop Thu 28-Mar-13 22:20:48

I agree entirely. I don't think you should commit to marry someone until you know that you are compatible sexually.

MrsWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 22:21:30

YABU.

Different strokes for different folks.

I didn't have sex until I was married. DH slept with half the county.

We have a great sex life. I have no regrets about waiting until marriage. DH says he regrets sleeping around but I don't think he should. He enjoyed it at the time and its part of his life before we got together.

AgentZigzag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:21:35

Some people seem to have a happy and fulfilled married life with their only partner, but personally I would agree that you need some experience just to know what's going on/how to make it as good as it gets.

Psh, I like to have sex before embarking on a friendship to test comparability, let alone a marriage grin

weegiemum Thu 28-Mar-13 22:22:10

Well I didn't. I've only ever slept with dh, after we got married.

18 + years and 3 dc on, it's awesome!!

You don't have to if you don't want to!

Different for everyone. I personally had a lot of sex before marriage, some of it truly pointless and not for great reasons.

Dh didn't and is very happy with just one partner.

It's impossible to generalise as sex is something you make right for you as a couple in a relationship - it all takes practise.

You sort of know you're compatible from all the snogging and frottage beforehand grin

The cock in the fanjo thing is just an extra

I agree too. I also think you should live with someone for at least a year before marrying them.

gingeme Thu 28-Mar-13 22:22:57

Yeah why not ? If Id have waited till I got married I wouldnt have had my first two DS. Theres nothing wrong with it as long as you use protection. wink

weegiemum Thu 28-Mar-13 22:23:30

And to complete he picture, dh has only ever had sex with me, too.

cupcake78 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:23:49

Personally I'd rather try before I buy wink

gingeme Thu 28-Mar-13 22:25:59

Agree deadwomanwalking. I lived with DH for a year beforehand and it was just right. smile

Samu2 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:26:24

I wonder though, as people are always changing is is very possible that even if you are compatible sexually before marriage it doesn't mean you will be years down the line?

My sex life isn't the same as it was 7 years ago, our drives are always changing and things we wouldn't have dreamt of trying back then have became more of an interest to us as the years go by.

I had sex before marriage, lots of it and even had two children before marriage but I don't think waiting for marriage is a bad thing, either option seems fine to me, personally.

Some might say that they won't want to run the risk of marrying someone who is crap in bed but isn't that something you learn as you go along?

DeadWomanWalking - completely agree. You see a whole new side to someone when you live with them; their morning face for example. I love my DP even more for not running and screaming at my morning face!

floweryblue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:27:20

I think sex is an important part of a relationship.

I put it about a lot when I was young. Met XH and fell completely head over heels but the sex wasn't anything like what it is now with DP.

I think it depends on the relationship, but no way I would be with DP now (unmarried but 11 years together, so I barely see the difference) unless we had done the deed fairly early on in our relationship and realised it was wow.

I can also see the point of view of 'saving' yourselves and learning together though.

tenlittlebuns Thu 28-Mar-13 22:30:23

YABU.

Surely you should just do as you like? Are you thinking it should be a legal stipulation?

Only ever had sex with DH, after marriage. You can't possibly know everything about someone before you commit to them, which is maybe just as well. I enjoy my sex life, even though I don't have anything to compare it to, and that's all that matters for me.

littlepeas Thu 28-Mar-13 22:33:06

Yes, I think so. You need to know that you're compatible. I also think you should live together. My dsis moved in with her adored boyfriend and found him impossible to live with - imagine if she'd married him first?!

RatPants Thu 28-Mar-13 22:34:04

Definitely. This makes far more sense to me than the other thing. grin

TiggerWearsATriteSmile Thu 28-Mar-13 22:35:00

I had sex before marriage with my now DH.
We got together young though and bought a house and all that sensible stuff.

I don't see why you shouldn't. Says the good catholic....

tenlittlebuns - its my personal opinion. Of course I don't think it should be a legal stipulation hmm

AgentZigzag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:37:38

The OP's not saying she's going to start lobbying parliament to make it law tenlittlebuns grin

Might be a bit of an enforcement problem there grin Unless orthodox religion was introduced again?

AgentZigzag Thu 28-Mar-13 22:38:25

Bet there'd be no end of takers willing to police it grin

Pervs.

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Mar-13 22:41:00

There is no way I could spend the rest of my life with someone if the sex was shit. If we were not compatible in that department, it would be a no-goer for me. So I certainly wouldn't.

And besides, it's only via having sex with a number of partners who all 'perform' differently that I have been able to work out what I do and don't like.

Always test drive wink

Startail Thu 28-Mar-13 22:41:42

YANBU
DH happens to be the only person I've ever had sex with, but was just an accident. (Pre condom machines in every pub with date I'd have loved to have fucked and a stupidly shy BF it would have been heartless to fuck and then dump).

We had sex on our second date and got engaged on our fifth, (six weeks later). Since we both knew we'd get married from pretty much our first kiss we didn't see any point in worrying.

PandaG Thu 28-Mar-13 22:44:01

sorry, but I'm with Weegiemum. have only had sex with DH, and first time for both of us was on our wedding night. 20 years later we are both very happy thanks.

INeedThatForkOff Thu 28-Mar-13 22:46:19

YANBU, and the idea of not living with someone before marriage is madness!

Annunziata Thu 28-Mar-13 22:49:10

YANBU. I was so so scared on my wedding night, and too mortified to look at any of my parents/ PILs in the eye for weeks.

<bad Catholic>

Thing is, the people who have only ever had sex with the person they are now married to: You're not 'better' than other people, you were just lucky in that the person you chose to marry was either naturally sexually compatible with you or the two of you were both willing to learn together. Some people who 'wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now you're married it can just happen all the time/is completely incompetent but unwilling to change.

Also, how are you defining 'sex'? Is the definitive act PIV, is premarital kissing with tongues OK?

elQuintoConyo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:53:24

YABVU

People SHOULD be left alone to do what they want.

What next, 'people should have sex before university'?, 'people should have at least 5 sexual partners before they marry', 'people must practise with at least one warm apple pie before thier wedding night'??

elQuintoConyo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:55:35

'People must learn to proofread and check spelling of 'their' before posting'. [Hmm]

skaen Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:05

YANBU. I would perhaps have said YABU before I had a boyfriend who I got on really well with, lots in common etc but he was absolutely rubbish in bed. Dreadful. Appalling. And horrified that I tried to suggest improvements. After that sex was an early and fundamental requirement!

elQuintoConyo - You won't be signing my petition to parliament then to outlaw virginity?

Please note that I have no problem with people waiting - for me PERSONALLY i wouldn't feel ready to dedicate my life to someone without knowing them completely

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 22:57:38

YABU - to say that people 'should'. Depends on circumstances and individuals. I've only ever been with DH, lost my virginity on our wedding afternoon night smile We are compatible but I never really worried we wouldn't be. He wasn't a virgin by the way but respected my choice to wait. Our sex drives have varied since we married - he had health problems that decreased his libido which are now resolved but since I got pregnant I could take it or leave it! But throughout its been enjoyable. We also talked about the reality of it all beforehand and what we expected from our relationship which I think helped.

I don't think I'm better than people who didn't wait but I don't regret my decision to wait. I'd only had I've serious relationship before DH and I'm really glad I didn't sleep with him.

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 22:58:44

my sister (19 year old virgin) married ex serial womaniser turned born again Christian... (Judgey pants alert)
I felt sad as she would never know any different- but he would! Grrr!
That being said 8 years later they seem....errr happy... In their own way and i suppose that's what it all balls down to. To each their own... Unless you are my sister then... Well you know... No one will ever be good enough wink

bad wording with "should" sorry smile

aquashiv Thu 28-Mar-13 23:00:26

Yes you should have sex before marriage because you sure as hell wont have it afterwards...

WorraLiberty Thu 28-Mar-13 23:02:22

I suppose it depends on what time the wedding is?

SolidGoldBrass - I agree. In my mind having sex with someone and living with them before marriage is minimising a risk.

I'm not talking about experiencing sex as a whole but sex with your potential partner for life

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 23:08:46

Like giving them a test drive seventh?!

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 28-Mar-13 23:16:46

Yanbu. Its a gamble not to try before you buy.

Also I've never married, so I would be technically fucked or not

ComposHat Thu 28-Mar-13 23:17:43

wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now

I know a couple who this happened to. Both hardcore Christians, both lovely people, but sex was a let down for both of them and very painful for her. I'm not sure of the state of their marriage now, but they certainly had an extraordinary difficult few years.

Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:20:42

I would have to sleep with someone before I married them. Would probably be a deal breaker for me if they wanted to wait until marriage.

But then I would never judge anyone for holding the view that their virginity is sacred.

McBalls Thu 28-Mar-13 23:30:38

No such thing as should - personal choice and all that.

I wouldn't wait because I don't want to buuuuut I don't think knowing whether you're sexually compatible is vital, may as well say don't marry until you've seen how your beloved deals with sleepless nights with a newborn or how well they support you through the death of your mum...whether or not the sex is good is fairly insignificant in comparison to the other shite life will kick up.

To be clear, I think an unhappy/ unfulfilling sex life is bloody soul destroying and I couldn't live with it, it's more of a pedantic point I'm making <ramble ramble>

ClairityVerity Thu 28-Mar-13 23:40:57

ComposHat: "Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take."

DH and I didn't have sex with anyone before we got married. I wish we had. And I wish we'd lived together before getting married as well. Had I done so I'd probably have finally decided to settle with someone else. sad

ClarityVerity - I'm sorry to hear that flowers

Morloth Thu 28-Mar-13 23:54:48

I don't think there is any 'should'.

DH and I have only ever had sex with each other, it suits me. He knows exactly what I like and how I like it and I him.

People should do what suits them.

Still18atheart Thu 28-Mar-13 23:55:20

Personally I'm glad that I have had sex before marriage partly to sow wild oats etc and also to know that there are different types of sex and relationships etc

However, I can totally see why people would to wait and only have sex after the sex. It's all down to the individual.

ThisIsMummyPig Fri 29-Mar-13 00:00:59

I had sex with 10-20 men before I met DH (genuinely can't remember, I just know I lied to get it under 10). DH was not the best in bed, but he was a very, very nice bloke. Actually that is enough.

The bloke who was the best in bed probably cheated on me, and definately cheated on the girl he went out with after me, and was engaged to.

I'm glad sex wasn't the be all and end all.

ClairityVerity Fri 29-Mar-13 00:05:36

Thank you, Seventh.

Rather like one of the posters higher up in this convo, DH has given little response over the years to my requests for him to do even a little research into how to satisfy a woman in bed. As a result, in 15 years of marriage, he's only brought me to orgasm once. I've long got bored of asking and just sort myself out every time. Really wish I'd been with other men before meeting him.

Morloth Fri 29-Mar-13 00:29:09

That is very selfish of him ClairityVerity. Is he as dismissive of your needs in other ways?

DH and I had bugger all idea what we were doing on our wedding night, but we have learned together.

ClairityVerity Fri 29-Mar-13 00:38:59

Yes, it's not just sex where he has behaved like that. Thing is, I think he is finally beginning to understand a little bit about how I've been feeling all these years about one of our problems, and he is making more effort with some things these days, but unfortunately I've reached the point where I'm so drained by the effort of trying to persuade him to work with me, that I don't think I can be bothered to try and make things work between us any more.

I'm the last person I ever thought I'd hear say that, but after a decade and a half of trying and failing to get him to consider a perspective that's not his own, I just can't be arsed and am trying to find a way out. I'm one of those unfortunate women who has ended up financially dependent on her partner, so it's going to take a while. The more I understand about myself and him and how we got into this situation, the more I feel that we just aren't right for each other.

Pandemoniaa Fri 29-Mar-13 00:39:23

I suppose it depends on what time the wedding is?

Absolutely. If I had the ceremony any earlier than lunchtime I doubt I could squeeze it in.

toddlerama Fri 29-Mar-13 06:52:47

No, people should do what they want to!

DH and I have only slept with each other. We wanted to wait until our wedding but got carried away a few times, so we weren't virgins when we got married, but we had only been together. Sex is so different now to how it was then I don't really understand incompatibility in one area In that way. You want to express love this way, and you are learning how all the time - for us it has only got better (although we thought it was amazing in the first place!) because we want it to be a mutually great experience. If I was aiming then for what we have now, I would have thought we didn't have it based on the first few years. We had passion, but we've learned more than that!

SGB no-one I can see on this thread who has said they waited has mentioned being better than anyone who hasn't. Where did that come from? Or have I misunderstood?

toddlerama Fri 29-Mar-13 06:54:02

Oh and I meant wait until AFTER the wedding. I wasn't planning to shag him in front of the guests...

wigglesrock Fri 29-Mar-13 07:30:18

Strangely my Mum always told us to "get to know" someone (she loves a good euphemism) before getting married. I married the boy I fell in love with at 16. We lived together first and had a bit of a break from the relationship when I was 19.

God the pressure of having sex for the first time after you're married would be really stressful for me I think. On our wedding night, my husband helped me get all the clips out of my hair, and we fell asleep in about 2 seconds blush

gazzalw Fri 29-Mar-13 07:43:37

Have friends who were virgins when they married (and they weren't young either). They are still married but they have never been happy and fulfilled as a couple, sexually and otherwise. I think obeying their religious rules has essentially ruined their lives and has impacted adversely on their DD too. How can that be right?

wanderings Fri 29-Mar-13 08:22:28

This was one reason I chose not to be Catholic, despite my upbringing.

gazzalw Fri 29-Mar-13 08:31:56

Quite, Wanderings!

FreudiansSlipper Fri 29-Mar-13 08:38:18

if you feel,that strongly abut waiting then that is best for you

But being madly in love with soomeone does not mean you will have great sex with them. Sex when you in love is wonderful but at times some people have different desires being in love is not going to change that

I am glad I have had a few partners and the partners imhave had that have also had a few partners have been imo better sexual partners you learn things a,ong the way

MrsWolowitz Fri 29-Mar-13 09:55:50

I don't really understand this "sexual incompatibility" thing.

Surely you learn and grow together. DH and I had sex on our wedding night for the first time (it wasn't at all stressful btw it was really exciting and I wouldn't have changed it).

As the years have gone on we've learned what makes each other tick and tried out different things to see what works for each other. I really like anal, he really likes oral (surprise surprise) and we both know what each other like when it comes to piv sex. We have a very healthy sex life and mostly have sex 4 or more times a week (that's to the poster who said sex doesn't happen after marriage).

Surely a long-term incompatibility is down to selfishness or laziness on one or more partners side to not bother to care what the other one wants.

I'm sure over the coming years out likes and dislikes will change and we will continue to grow and change together just like we do in other aspects of our marriage.

CwtchesAndCuddles Fri 29-Mar-13 10:09:16

Lost my virginity to my first husband when we were engaged, divorced 16 years later. Met dh and we dtd once we were both commited to the relashionship - and were married 10 months after meeting.

I've only had sex with two men and I'm very happy about that. For me sex and commitment go hand in hand and is not a casual thing.

I think sex is a casual thing but i dont care what others do, also I don't think it's 'less risky' to have sex before marriage - I've found that having sex with someone - and when the sex is good- can fool you into thinking the relationship is good.

That poor fella on the show- what had his parents/the church etc done to him?!

I wasn't specifically addressing any one poster on this thread, but I have heard people talk about how their marriage is much more 'special' because they have had no other sexual experiences. And Ialways think, well, how would you know?

Also, a lot of the 'wait till you're married' attitude is bound up with misogyny and a generally negative view of sex, which can also lead to problems later on. This isn't to say that people can't be perfectly happy with only one sexual partner, but it is as much down to luck as anything else, and on the whole, experience is better than speculation.

MooMooSkit Fri 29-Mar-13 11:03:40

I would try before I buy so YANBU but I was always looking for that person that was sexually compatiable with me IYSWIM? As sex was quite a big thing for me. I know what I like in the bedroom and I know what I want and if I married someone for example who I didn't shag then married and found out he was a complete submissive type in the bedroom, that would probably be the end of our marriage as that's not me. I did sleep with quite a lot of people before I settled down and it took me a while to find the man I'm currently with but he is def perfect and is on my wave length to what I want.

Also he had a few girlfriends before me, like year jobbies and found he always got bored as none of them had the same wants to sex as him so he had the same trouble. I think having the same wants in a sex life is a HUGE part of how long you will last together!

MooMooSkit Fri 29-Mar-13 11:05:40

Surely you learn and grow together. Not really though. I am submissive in the bedroom. I get NO arousal from being the dominative partner and I have tried it for the sake of ex partners but It never did a thing for me and our sex lives weren't that good. I think some people are "lucky" that they just happen to find someone they are well matched with straight away and some people (like me) have to test drive a few people before they find the right person! grin

My ex H was, well, pretty average at sex, but I loved him and sex didn't matter that much to me. Unfortunately it turned out that it mattered a lot to him and he found a more appreciative partner elsewhere. (who can obviously orgasm in seconds!) So I'm glad I had some decent sex with other blokes before marriage, as I seem to be unlikely to get any now!

BinksToEnlightenment Fri 29-Mar-13 13:37:56

I'm sure it can work out to not try before, but personally I think sex is the most important thing in a relationship so I would never commit my life to a person without a test drive.

I think sexual compatibility isn't just about pleasure either - how you feel with someone when you are, essentially, at your most vulnerable can speak volumes about your relationship.
I never felt comfortable with my ex in the bedroom, would never want him to see me naked, lights off and all that jazz and I was with him for years and he was very supportive.
OH and I though were comfortable with each other straight away and for me that showed a huge level of trust.
There is something very primal and subconscious about sex that I feel is essential to figuring out your commitment.

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 29-Mar-13 18:03:36

Completely agree if dp and I waited till we were married we would be waiting till we were 50 or whenever we can afford to get married.

I think how someone behaves in bed is a good indicator for the relationship ime selfish in bed has meant selfish in the relationship always putting themselves first and with dp he is considerate and puts me first in and out of the bedroom

TeWiSavesTheDay Fri 29-Mar-13 18:11:18

I agree that it is better to have sex before marriage too. I have only had sex (of the piv kind!) With DH but we were just dating then, and I had no idea that we would get married.

I've had sexual experiences with other people that proved very quickly that they were not the one for me, because we liked different things or felt very differently about things.

TuppenceBeresford Fri 29-Mar-13 18:15:49

"Thing is, the people who have only ever had sex with the person they are now married to: You're not 'better' than other people"

No, they're not. And neither are are people who HAVE had sex/lived with their partner are not better than than those who didn't.

Honestly what is with these pronouncements on what people "should" do?

YABU to think that just because you did something one way everybody else should do the same.

exoticfruits Fri 29-Mar-13 18:18:51

I think that you would be mad not to. If you are going to spend a lifetime with someone you need to know that you are compatible on all levels.
Having read a lot of nonsense posts recently on the 'woman's role' I think that you need to use your head in addition to your heart.

Hopeforever Fri 29-Mar-13 18:19:55

I love my DH even more because he still loves me even though he never saw my morning face until our honeymoon.

Imagine getting wed to find his penis was the same width of a pencil! No way, Jose grin

*as a pecil, I meant smile

Frigs aake, PENCIL !

frigs sake !!!

lol crushed

YABVU.

People should do what makes them comfortable and happy.

I think this "sexually compatible" thing is horrible, btw. To dismiss somebody who is otherwise your ideal as a potential spouse because they didn't immediately meet your sexual expectations is plain mean.

exoticfruits Fri 29-Mar-13 19:08:02

I don't think it mean-just sensible. You should also get to know their family, especially what the FIL does in the home. You need to know that your partner has the same expectations that you do and that he is able to clean bathrooms, cook, sew on his own buttons etc and he will be able to be an equal parent.

exoticfruits Fri 29-Mar-13 19:08:29

Communication is the key.

somewherewest Fri 29-Mar-13 19:43:51

Some couples I know had sex before marriage, some didn't. The ones who didn't have sex are just as likely to be happily married (to all outward appearances) as the ones who did. And I say this as someone who did live with their OH before marriage.

exoticfruits Fri 29-Mar-13 19:49:31

It is up to the individual of course-personally I wouldn't risk it.

MrsWolowitz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:57:24

You should also get to know their family, especially what the FIL does in the home. You need to know that your partner has the same expectations that you do and that he is able to clean bathrooms, cook, sew on his own buttons etc and he will be able to be an equal parent.

My FIL is a mysoginistic, racist pig. My DH is neither of those things.

somewherewest Fri 29-Mar-13 19:57:45

Also for most of history, limiting sex to a long term legally binding relationship between two people was pretty sensible in ensuring that children were provided for. Its only recently that truly reliable contraception has allowed us to separate having sex from having babies (and of course that isn't foolproof even now). In pre-20th century societies where there was no welfare state and only so many resources to go round, lots of babies inadequately provided for was a very bad idea for everyone. Even today one parent families are more likely to struggle financially on average.

Annunziata Fri 29-Mar-13 20:03:09

You should also get to know their family, especially what the FIL does in the home. You need to know that your partner has the same expectations that you do and that he is able to clean bathrooms, cook, sew on his own buttons etc and he will be able to be an equal parent.

I knew that my DH would not do any of those things before I married him. That didn't stop me being terrified the first night I was alone with him. All I could think of was how huge he seemed compared to me and how he could do anything to me and no one would know (and I love my DH, I really, really do).

I actually managed to have sex before our wedding. It would have been terrible if I hadn't.

Imsosorryalan Fri 29-Mar-13 20:09:53

Our test wasn't just sex before marriage but also living together. A true test for us to see if we would still be happy with each other was to back pack around Asia together for a month. I thought that if we could get though that with just each other for company then we could get though anything! shock 15 years later, I was right!
So sod the sex, travel together..

Somewherewest, what a crock! Even when 'society' treated women's virginity as a cash asset among the upper classes, most people had sex before/outside of marriage; sometimes 'having' to get married when they would have preferred not to. And the idea that only a heteromonogamous couple can bring up children is deeply flawed as well, because it's a model based on women's economic dependency and subordination.

Timetoask Fri 29-Mar-13 20:43:32

I think the problem is that people are now having sex far too soon. Ok, so don't wait until marriage, but for the love of life a least get to know the person!

I think many people will confuse physical/sexual attraction with LOVE, it would be fine to get it wrong if it wouldn't be for the sad fact that babies get produced in the process with no family unit. If you gave the relationship sometime before making it physical maybe things would be better in our society.

I think many people will confuse physical/sexual attraction with LOVE - this is very true which is why it is important - in my opinion - to live with that person as well for a good amount of time. You don't truly know someone until you have lived with them. And normally living with someone means sharing a bed.

Actually, people make far too big a deal about love. Not only do women put up with lousy sex because they are in love (women are socialised to value love more than sex, which is really just another way of persuading them to be a man's domestic servant), but people who prioritize romantic love often behave stupidly and horribly, either maintaining a relationship with someone who mistreats them or neglecting/mistreating other people in their lives on the ground that True Love is what really matters.
It's fine to have sex with someone once only, or a few times, and then decide you don't want anything more to do with him/her - as long as you haven't made a lot of promises you don't intend to keep.

Fleecyslippers Fri 29-Mar-13 20:57:56

It's only since I split up with Ex that I've realised just HOW shit in the sack he is. Could saved myself years of hassle........

RevoltingPeasant Fri 29-Mar-13 21:17:50

But it's not just about sex - compatibility is much more than that.

E.g., I like to have my space in bed, and also sleep lightly so someone snoring is out. My very first BF, to whom I actually got engaged, wanted me to sleep 'with my head on his shoulder' and was put out that I wouldn't.

It gave me a crick in the neck hmm. Screw that. He also snored at times.

I went out with another man who really liked sex in a position that was uncomfortable for me. With another who woke up at 6 wanting sex (I still don't know how I didn't murder him; like having a toddler but 5'11").

DH and I aren't perfectly compatible, in that he has health problems which mean we can't often have sex. But we are pretty good when we can and we sleep and live well together. Those things are important.

Vikram Seth's novel A Suitable Boy has a subplot with a woman pushed into an arranged marriage with a man everyone else thinks is a pillar of the community type, but she secretly hates him in large part because he snores and she has never had a single night's good sleep since they married.... <shudder>

If my OH had it his way we would sleep with him lying on his back and me tucked up on top of him with my head on his chest!
If I had my way I would sleep in my own bed - We compromise. I think compromise is a HUGE part of a relationship, there is no such thing as a perfect match surely. Though you need to establish how far your partner is willing to compromise before committing...

ithaka Sat 30-Mar-13 00:14:59

my mum always said if she had lived with my dad first, she wouldn't have married him. So, OK, I wouldn't exist, but apart from that YANBU.

My mum was always keen we should live with a man before we married him, based on her experience. Sexual compatibility is one of those things it is hard to pin down, but if it works - it is strong glue.

TBH, I married mainly because of great sex - and 20 years later, it still works. You can learn to respect and care for someone over the years, but you can't learn to fancy the pants off them - that has to be there from the start.

rustybusty Sat 30-Mar-13 07:20:58

I had sex with dh very soon after meeting him. I dont think it matters how soon you do it. I think the people who wait a long time often have lower sex drives, which is fair enought but its not for me. I wanted to know not only that we clicked, and I was very attracted to him but also that the sex was really good.

A decent man cares about the womans enjoyment, and always ensures she gets her orgasm every time. How would you know if it wasnt a selfish lover if you dont have sex with him soon after meeting?

MulberryHag Wed 21-Aug-13 10:48:44

What I never understand about these types of debates is this... If I fell in love with a man who was kind, thoughtful, considerate, funny, everything I'd ever wanted, gorgeous to boot and decided I wanted to marry him, and then discovered the sex wasn't exactly what I wanted, would I just dump him?

I wouldn't. I'd work on the sex. As Suma2 said, sex changes throughout your life, so if I "try before I buy" and love it (or hate it!) that doesn't mean the sex will still be in the same in a few months/years time.

So then you've lost you "perfect" partner because of something that can be worked on and changed... Seems like a waste to me.

Crinkle77 Wed 21-Aug-13 11:16:01

I believe in try before you buy. Once you are married it is a bit late to back out if they are a selfish lover.

cory Wed 21-Aug-13 11:32:34

I don't think anyone should dictate to anyone else what they should be doing with their lives. Though think there is always a strong case for walking into any situation with your eyes wide open:

if you marry somebody whose sexual compatibility with you is either unknown or not that great, then you both have to be prepared to work harder at that aspect than other people

(that doesn't necessarily make it wrong for you, just because somebody else wouldn't want to do that)

if you marry somebody without having shared a household you have to be prepared that they may have different ways of doing things, in other words you both have to put in more work to reach compatibility
(that doesn't necessarily make it all wrong for you, though it might well be the wrong choice for somebody else)

if you marry somebody from a very different kind of family or whose family you do not know, you have to be prepared that things you take for granted may not be things he takes for granted- so again, you are both preparing for more work
(that doesn't necessarily mean...)

and if, as me, you marry a man from a different culture, from a family with very different values and priorities, with whom you have lived in a long distance relationship, then you know from the start that there will have to be compromises- in other words, more work for the two of you

The sad thing is not when a mature and committed couple deliberately go in for a situation which requires more work because both are on board and they can see that their particular relationship is worth everything they can give it.

The sad thing is when a woman thinks she has to put up with something that isn't making her happy because any man is better than no man.

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