unreasonable for the girlfriends/wives to go on the stag do?

(251 Posts)
SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 18:24:36

My partner (call him DH for now) and I am getting married next year, we have been saving for the last 3 years to be able to do this.

Our wedding is booked for August. For the stag do my partner decided that he wanted to go to Amsterdam in July. Asked about 12 people, and 8 have said they wanted to go - there was never any pressure and it was made clear that if people couldn't afford or just didn't want to go it wouldn't be a problem.

This was decided in October and now DH needs to get a deposit from the 8 people. 3 of them have said that their girlfriends/wives would only be ok with it if they could come too.

So would it be possible for DH to add 3 extra places to the trip. The women would do their thing in the day together and then join the men in the evenings.

Is this completely unreasonable?

I would never feel the need to invite myself to someones stag do.

anonymosity Thu 28-Mar-13 18:25:33

You are being a teeny bit unreasonable. Amsterdam. Hum, wonder what that's famous for...wink

ZZZenEggain Thu 28-Mar-13 18:26:53

it might restrict what the men do in the evenings which is presumably the point. Well if the men who are going are all aware of this and happy to go along with it, why not? Ask the other 5

givemeaclue Thu 28-Mar-13 18:27:44

Basically 3 people don't trust their partners.

jumpingjackhash Thu 28-Mar-13 18:33:32

^ what givemeaclue said.

I can think of few things worse than joining a stag group tbh, but then again I trust my husband. I think they're BU if they insist on going/their partners going.

If it were my hen do and my friends' husbands/boyfriends wanted to join, I'd be pretty miffed and put the kybosh on that, it would change the whole dynamic.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 18:35:08

My thoughts exactly givemeaclue.

No, women should not go along to a stag do.

Same as men shouldn't go along to a hen do.

Dannilion Thu 28-Mar-13 18:35:27

My step-nan is like this, won't let grandad go on a stag do/golf trip etc unless she goes. It reeks of insecurity and often means he is left out of things.

I think it's totally unreasonable to demand to go on a stag do. Loads of people will go "ohhhh but Amsterdam is only famous for one thing". It's not, it's a beautiful city. People are more likely to get so stoned they fall asleep in Maccy D's than they are to get blind drunk and cop off with a stranger. Prostitutes are expensive and the red light district is really uninviting. Although pretty interesting to see! I would much prefer DP to go there for his stag do than blackpool.

Squitten Thu 28-Mar-13 18:36:42

Well, it's up to your DH isn't it? It's his do so if he wants lads only, he has to accept that three of them won't be going.

Can't think of much worse than tagging along on some blokey piss-up!

Fine for women to go if they're friends of the 'stag' and would be invited anyway, not cool at all if they are just tagging along to babysit their partner. I'd find it really cringey to be honest.

For all you know, the men may want there DP's there, so they don't have to do the traditional strip/sex shows. I've known a group of men to hire a prostitute between them and those sharing the room had to find somewhere else to sleep to not be involved in it. I would leave those who have already committed to going to sort it out, as it will change the nature of the trip. They are turning a stag do into a couples holiday, tbh.

jumpingjackhash Thu 28-Mar-13 18:38:35

What does your fiance think Summerfin?

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 18:44:27

I see your point Birds but DH wouldn't want to do something like that.

He's also a nice enough guy that his friends know that if they were honest and just said it's not my thing then they wouldn't be force to do anything they didn't want to do.

Jack He said that he'd speak to the others first.

For all you know these three have already cheated on their partners and this is the compromise. It's all very well saying we trust our DH's and it's insecurity. However, hands up who has either been hit on by a married or in a relationship man or seen it happen? That would be everyone. Hands up who has been to Amsterdam/Prague/Thailand and see what the majority of men without women there are doing. I think these stags away in notorious prostitution areas are a stupid idea. I like Amsterdam but I don't think most stag weekends there are filled with river boat cruises and Van Gogh exhibits.

MortifiedAdams Thu 28-Mar-13 18:46:55

Stags are for the Groom and his closest friends and family, be they male or female, young or old. They are not for plus ones

50ShadesOfGreggs Thu 28-Mar-13 18:51:40

I think they are being bloody cheeky! I bet they wouldn't want their DPs to tag along on a girls' trip though...

DH went to Amsterdam a few months ago, and to 4 other weekends abroad with the lads over the past couple of years. It never even entered my mind to think twice about it.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 18:53:37

Why do you care if they go?

I came on to say I don't see why stag/hen Dp's can't be mixed gender - I've been invited to a couple of stag dos (my brother and a male friend).

But it's very rude for people who haven't been invited to tag along.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 19:43:04

I think it is unreasonable to want to marry someone who would have a stag do in Amsterdam of all places. Yuk!

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 19:45:18

attheendoftheday - the best stag/hen do I have ever been to was mixed, all friends and family of the bride and groom to be at their favourite pub. It was a great night.

seriouscakeeater Thu 28-Mar-13 19:47:44

YANBU girls don't go on stags.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 19:51:04

wongadotmom hmm

Rude. Unnecessary. Being nasty just for the sake of it.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 19:53:05

I have been to Amsterdam. Have you?

YANBU - it's rude to invite yourself along, tbh if I were their OH I'd just not go.

Also Amsterdam is not just known for one thing, that's like saying all Mumsnetters are 'pearl clutchers' wink

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 19:54:05

Erm.. My DH had his stag do in Amsterdam, good to see people making assumptions on here!!

I trust him and know exactly what they got up to as they told me (and the other girlfriends). Infact my hen was far more drunken.

These wives and girlfriends must be very insecure. Girls don't go on stag weekends. It's totally unreasonable for them to tag along.

chickenfactory Thu 28-Mar-13 19:55:04

Most ridiculous idea in my opinion. Stag do are not for partners. Can't imagine DH coming on a hen do with me either.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 19:55:17

Yes. I have been to Amsterdam 4 times.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 19:56:05

Maybe there are some MN who wouldn't want there OHs going to Amsterdam as they don't trust them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 19:56:21

*their

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 19:56:31

My DH had his stag do in Amsterdam, good to see people making assumptions on here!!

You married someone who had their stag do in Amsterdam?!?! YUK.

YABU grin

HildaOgden Thu 28-Mar-13 19:56:39

I hate when girlfriends/wives tag along on a lads night (or weekend).

Just as much as I hate it when boyfriends/husbands tag along on a girls night .

It completely changes the tone.I'd tell your dh to remind them it's a stags do,ie males only.And that he understands they can't go,no problem.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 28-Mar-13 19:58:02

Maybe those couples can't afford another holiday this year and so the women want to go too as it will be the only possible holiday?

But if that isn't the case, then they are being ridiculous.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 19:58:59

It's shit isn't it? There are so many much better places you could choose to go! WHY would one choose Amsterdam?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 19:59:11

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 19:56:31
My DH had his stag do in Amsterdam, good to see people making assumptions on here!!

You married someone who had their stag do in Amsterdam?!?! YUK

I know. What was I thinking? I mean, we could have had an evening in a pub, together. It sounds so different from any other night out I've been on.

Do you think I have ishoos?

ENormaSnob Thu 28-Mar-13 20:00:01

Imagine the uproar if a posters husband insisted on attending a hen do with her.

There would (rightly) be cries of controlling and abusive and leave the bastard.

Yanbu

HildaOgden Thu 28-Mar-13 20:02:35

As an aside,I got pregnant in Amsterdam.Which has got nothing to do with the subject matter here,just thought I'd mention it.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:03:21

No its not shit at all wongadotmom - If there are so many better places you could chose from why have you been there yourself? Hypocritical much?

And yes I'm sorry Pobble you clearly have ishoos. But if it makes you feel better I obviously have the exact same ishoos as you.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:03:55

Did you call the baby "Amsterdam" Hilda ?

sittinginthesun Thu 28-Mar-13 20:04:30

I think it is down to your DP to make a decision here. If he asks the others, it puts them in an awkward position - they will probably go along with whatever he thinks, to be polite.

I know that my DH and all of his various groups of friends would think it was out of order. A mixed stag night is different. This is OHs inviting themselves along.

Quite wrong, IMO.

Gosh I didn't realise what a massive fan of Van Gogh the Op's husband was hmm

People go to them to watch sex shows. And try and hire prostituted women. And goad each other in to taking drugs.

Gosh, what jolly japes are to be had hmm

An ex of mine went to one, even he (and note, he's an ex) said it was grotesque.

sittinginthesun Thu 28-Mar-13 20:05:34

Summer grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 20:05:52

I got pregnant in Italy on honeymoon infact, by my wonderful husband. You know the same one who went to Amsterdam on his stag. The same bloke who is a wonderful father.

I guess I can't have everything...

BlueberryHill Thu 28-Mar-13 20:07:01

Would changing the location help? Lots of other places they could go, although if you don't trust your OH, any location isn't going to work but I'm assuming that its the Amsterdam bit.

sittinginthesun Thu 28-Mar-13 20:07:38

My DH has actually been known to opt out of the strip club bit, and go to a museum instead. He finds trip clubs boring - he always reckons the fun is "in the chase"...

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 20:08:18

Oh yes, because you couldn't possibly cheat or see strippers etc anywhere else. hmm

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 20:08:48

But maybe the gfs/wives aren't 'insisting', it isn't fair if they are but I wonder if these couples just want to get extra value out of the money they will presumably be spending on hotels. If they don't actually attend the nights out it wn't make any difference will it?

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:09:05

But Pobble he is not a wonderful man - for the simple fact he went to Amsterdam.

And according to Laurie ALL men who go there just watch sex shows, try and hire prostituted women and goad each other into taking drugs.

I am calling off the wedding now. I think you should start divorce proceedings. MN has spoken grin

Tailtwister Thu 28-Mar-13 20:09:19

YANBU, it's a stag do. I've heard of this kind of thing before and don't understand why they can't just let the guys go and have a good time. There's no need for them to be there.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 20:09:46

My DH (you know, the one I married who had his stag in Amsterdam), told a stripper he didn't want a dance as he gets better at home. Then he left.

But clearly I shouldn't have married him, again...

HildaOgden Thu 28-Mar-13 20:10:06

I didn't call her Amsterdam,no.But I do sometimes call her my little tulip which makes her totally cringe

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:10:08

If they don't actually attend the nights out it wn't make any difference will it?

They said the women would do their own thing together in the day and all of them would have the evening together.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 20:11:23

Summer fin I went there for the tulips, flea markets and wonderful art with an open mind. I got an education in more than I bargained for. I had to go back a second time just to be sure. Hypocrite that I am. I still think there are much much better places!

Fulhamup Thu 28-Mar-13 20:11:35

YANBU, women should not go on stag weekends. Let the blokes get on with it. the 3 women who don't trust their DH/DP have the problem here.

ethelb Thu 28-Mar-13 20:11:55

I have to say that while these women are being unreasonable, I am surprised your DP is surprised that choosing to have your stag do in Amsterdam has provoked this kind of reaction.

Aside from the sleaze it is an expensive weekend to book in the height of summer when other people will be wanting to go away. We probably wouldn't be able to afford a summer hol if DP did this (as he wouldn't be able to afford to go away with me again).

I think if people are going to organise such big, expensive 'stag dos' (what's wrong with a night out where you drink a bit more than usual?) then you need to be prepared for people to either not be able to go or to view it as their main holiday that year, with all that entails (ie taking a partner along!)

HazelnutinCaramel Thu 28-Mar-13 20:12:36

I think it's a terrible idea. Embarrassing for the women who look like controlling shrews, embarrassing for their partners who look like they're under the thumb and awkward for everyone else on the trip who is thinking all of that but not able to express it!

If you can't trust your husband to go to Amsterdam on his own, then you have issues in your relationship that cannot be solved simply by going with him.

Any man who goes to a strip 'show' is a twat

Fact.

How could there be an other explanation?

BlueberryHill Thu 28-Mar-13 20:13:44

Pobble, was that to me? I did say that if you don't trust your OH any location isn't going to work, because they can go to strip clubs anywhere.

I don't think that the OHs should have invited themselves, it puts the stag and other attendees in an awkward (sp?) position, just trying to suggest an alternative that meant all 8 could go without their OHs, although I couldn't be arsed to type that first time round.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 20:13:46

Hmm, that is a bit odd, I thought they were just going to stay in same rooms, yes a little odd to invite oneself to the actual evenings.

Shakey1500 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:18:47

It's wrong and unfair to assume that a group of men, going to Amsterdam are going to behave appallingly.

I'm not a fan of women on stag do's and vice versa. Agree it changes the tone.

Amsterdam I found great. Good beer, plenty of interesting fellow travellers, fab architecture, exciting "vibe". It's not for everyone (as has been demonstrated here hmm. Personally I wouldn't dream of posting disparaging remarks about a place in question, unless an OP was asking for views about it. But each to their own.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 20:24:38

I've nothing against the beer! That was bloody yummy! I don't blame anybody for wanting to go to dam for the beer! For the amount of money it costs there you could get a MUCH better experience elsewhere IMO.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Thu 28-Mar-13 20:25:01

Leave the bastard grin

I know someone who met someone else whilst on his stag weekend....at black pool better not let him go there op.

It's wrong and unfair to assume that a group of men, going to Amsterdam are going to behave appallingly. Absolutely. However many many do behave appallingly. It is entirely possible that these three men have behaved appallingly in the past and therefore their partners don't want a repeat.

Unless you think that all men who use prostitutes are single. Because that is not what I've heard.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:28:46

what's wrong with a night out where you drink a bit more than usual?

See I knew someone would say that. Which is why I made it clear in the OP - People were asked, there was no pressure - if they didn't want to, couldn't afford it then there would have been zero problem.

So before you say it neither me or DH are "entitled"

And without sounding mean, some people may be content with just having a few drinks in their local town where they have lived for years - and some would prefer not to.

Hey, Amsterdam is lovely. Lovely beer, lovely museums.

But surely there's not many going to come on here and say that they went to a stag do and they just went to museums and drank beer confused

<sets out challenge>

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:31:12

you could get a MUCH better experience elsewhere IMO.

Your opinion on that subject doesn't mean a thing to me.

Summed up much better for you -

Personally I wouldn't dream of posting disparaging remarks about a place in question, unless an OP was asking for views about it. But each to their own

Shakey1500 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:32:35

MrsTerryPratchett Understood. But if they have behaved appallingly (in the case of the partners who want to tag along) then there's clearly no trust either etc?

To me, if a friends DP wanted to tag along with us on a pre-arranged all female getaway, I would be disappointed and not without rolly eyes.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 28-Mar-13 20:33:49

OP you do know that your intended is the devil incarnate to go to amsterdam and all the girls should be able to accompany him don't you grin

A cheat will do it down the road if that's what they intend to do.

LaQueen Thu 28-Mar-13 20:33:52

Well, that's obviously 3 women who are very insecure, and don't realise they are making themselves (and their partners) look like complete muppets.

If someone wants to be unfaithful, they do not need to go to Amsterdam to do it, FFS. You can't stop them. You can't shepherd them 24/7...They will be unfaithful, in their car, during their lunch break, if they so choose.

LadyFlumpalot Thu 28-Mar-13 20:37:06

Umm, yes, it's unreasonable for these partners to invite themselves to a stag do. Also, it's quite frankly ridiculous. If you can't trust your partner to go on a lads holiday without you, don't make it someone else's problem.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:37:20

Yes Clipped sad

Me and him are hanging our heads in shame.

twooter Thu 28-Mar-13 20:37:35

It's a crap idea. A couples holiday where your dh is guest of honour but not able to bring his own partner.

Lambzig Thu 28-Mar-13 20:39:44

The whole thing is a ridiculous idea, your DH needs to tell his friends that it isn't ok for their DPs to come, what a grim event that would be, embarrassing and humiliating for all concerned.

Amsterdam can be lovely, have spent a good few weekends with DH and friends there and haven't seen any prostitutes, visited strip clubs or done any drugs. The supper club was as decadent as it got.

Just asked DH, as a veteran of many, many stag weekends, some second time around for the groom, if he had ever, ever known anyone, mentioning no names, to have sex with someone or hire a prostitute and he said no. Ok, he might be lying, but I can't think why he would.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 20:41:09

Yes Summerfin each to their own and all that. Three people who happen to be wives/girlfriends of your DH's mates must also think dam is a great place to spend their money and time. I don't understand what your problem is with what they choose to do.

Dahlen Thu 28-Mar-13 20:41:53

Amsterdam is lovely. However, most stag party locations are not chosen for their cultural heritage.

Thailand is a wonderful country. However, I would probably make assumptions about a group of men going there for a stag party too. Prejudiced? Yes, certainly. Based on a lot of good reasons. But admittedly not accurate in all cases. Only the OP can judge if these particular men will have chosen Amsterdam for its red light district potential or the Anne Frank museum.

I've attended more stag dos than I have hen parties, but I would not be friends with someone who thought strippers or prostitutes were part of the fun of a traditional stag do. However, I've also been to Amsterdam and loved it.

I have never attended a stag or hen do as a 'plus one'. I wouldn't dream of inviting myself either. I have my own life and friends, thank you.

Personalities is everything in this. If the men concerned are decent, and their partners are not insecure, then why can't everyone involved be happy with the situation?

Some would cheat down the road. However, there are a fair few men who, when asked, say that they would cheat if they could be sure to get away with it. Paying someone in another country sounds like they will get away with it to me.

I'm not saying I think women should go on stags. I'm saying that all the people who are sure their partners wouldn't cheat... look on the relationships board for all the women who were sure their feckless, lying, cheating scumbag exes wouldn't cheat. It happens, to a lot of relationships. Going somewhere where that is positively encouraged seems a bad idea.

Lambzig Thu 28-Mar-13 20:44:10

Because if the groom had wanted them at his stag weekend, he would have invited them

It's the height of bad manners.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:44:30

I don't understand what your problem is with what they choose to do

For the reasons I and others have stated.

I don't get what your problem is.

Drink some camomile tea and rest your hand from it's constant clutching of pearls.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 20:46:15

YABU

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 20:50:09

grin great response.

Here is a tissue for your constant nosebleeds by the way.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 28-Mar-13 20:55:55

YANBU. I'd have been beyond pissed off if loads of wives/girlfriends went on my DH's stag do. he would have been quite pissed off if blokes came on mine too.

The women wanting to go on the stag do are completely wrong. They look clingy and as if they are policing their partners.

My DH went on a stag do to Amsterdam and said it was a really beautiful city and that we should go one day. I am the world's most jealous and insecure pansy but I had not one single worry about him going to Amsterdam. The red light district is just one small part of the city. Most cities have a red light district anyway.

OP, your DH should be firm. Stag do is a man's weekend as the hen do is for women. He sounds like he's reasonable. Your DH 2B should ask the men taking their partners how they would feel if he went on their partner's hen night?

It's interesting how these threads bring out the internalised sexism and misogyny. Women do spend an incredible amount of energy trying to be 'cool' and trusting and think that sex shows are just fine as long as their man comes home to steak or whatever nonsense.

The fact is that Amsterdam, lovely as it is, has a lot of sex workers, strip and live sex shows and so on. None of which are exactly awesome for women generally. Men who want to objectify women are a bit yuk to me. It doesn't exactly scream of respect and equality. But, whatever, it's not like cool to be a feminist so I'll shut up now.

LaQueen Thu 28-Mar-13 21:03:45

I don't think it matters which city the stag do is in, or whether it has a famous red-light area, or not.

If a bloke wants to be unfaithful to his wife/partner, then he has more than ample opportunity, just going to a night club, in his home town, on a stag do.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:05:27

I'm confused MrsTerry because I (and I'm quite certain no-one else on this thread) has said that they are fine with their husband going to a sex show etc.

Some have just said (myself included) that they do not mind if their partner went on a weekend away or if they went to Amsterdam.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

From what I can gather, they are planning on doing the Heineken experience and a canal boat ride.

Fine, that is what they will do. That is also what every stag weekend in Amsterdam consists of where the stag tells their WTB that. You do know we are randoms on the internet, right? I'll assume, until told otherwise, that this is an average stag in Amsterdam. The live sex shows, sex museum, strip shows and prostitutes must be losing money at a hell of a rate if stags don't go.

Just basic statistics for a minute. My parents like Amsterdam and go sometimes, as do I. Stags do too. If I am not using the facilities, and my parents aren't, who is?

LaQueen Thu 28-Mar-13 21:12:10

I'd be.a bit hmm at a sex show...but, DH going to Amsterdam for a stag-do? No problem with that...he's been a few times.

I'm not trying to be cool, which would be a bit pointless considering I'm nearly 43, and enjoy a cuppa tea and a flick through Good Housekeeping nowadays...but, I do trust my DH? Not because I want to appear cool, but because I have been with him for 22 years, and I know him, better than I know myself.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:14:37

LaurieFairyCake Thu 28-Mar-13 20:29:22
Hey, Amsterdam is lovely. Lovely beer, lovely museums.

But surely there's not many going to come on here and say that they went to a stag do and they just went to museums and drank beer

<sets out challenge>

My DH did that. They even did a river cruise. Carry on with the judging...

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:16:38

Hang on, lots of people go to the sex shows, couples go, I have friend's that have been. It's a night out!

Is everyone really trying to say that the average stag do in Amsterdam is river cruises and museums? Really? Not just trying to prove a point?

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 21:20:58

So not unreasonable for wives/girlfriends to go to dam for the sex shows etc if that's their bag surely?

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:21:10

No-one has said that.

Maybe the average stag up to Amsterdam is what you perceive it to be.

But I'm talking about what specifically my DH is doing.

But we don't know you or your DH. I might assume, this being the internets, that he is average.

I am also biased. My DH's friend was trying desperately to get my DH to go to Vegas on his stag. This friend cheats. Some people are not to be trusted and some people have ended up in relationships with them. Maybe these women could get a bit of compassion instead of being painted as shrews.

LaQueen Thu 28-Mar-13 21:28:11

Bt, if these women distrust their DHs/partners to the point of feeling compelled to accompany them on a stag-do...I totally fail to understand why they're with them?

If I felt I couldn't trust my DH/partner to behave whilst on a stag do...I wouldn't be joining him on said stag do to bleddy chaperone him...I'd have waved him bye bye, long since.

Shakey1500 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:31:27

I wonder if the partners would be inviting themselves along if it was say, Dubrovnik/Prague or somewhere other than the reputation laden Amsterdam?

Either way, I still think they should butt out grin

If it were that easy LaQueen no one would ever have been in a shitty relationship for more than five minutes. I have been. Took me years to leave. I just don't like that these women are being pilloried for their 'bad' and impolite behaviour, which I agree it is, when they could have reasons. I blame DH's cheating friend for my compassion.

Dubrovnik and Prague are both hives of prostitution. What about Paris or Vienna?

Startail Thu 28-Mar-13 21:33:49

I've always wanted to go to Amsterdam, so I confess I'd like to come.

Shakey1500 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:35:45

Are they really? Oh well, yes then Paris or Vienna (though I'm sure each has it's own "district" if one looked hard enough)

LadyFlumpalot Thu 28-Mar-13 21:35:46

SummerFin. I would advise your soon to be DH to stay away from the "Banana Show". A lad at work went (on his stag do as it happens) and the final act is the dancer using her (impressive) pelvic floor muscles to fire a dildo across the room. Unfortunately it whacked my colleague right in the face and broke his nose. Luckily his wife to be thought it was poetic justice hilarious!

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:36:44

Some people are not to be trusted and some people have ended up in relationships with them. Maybe these women could get a bit of compassion instead of being painted as shrews.

I haven't painted them as shrews - I just think they are unreasonable.

If people ended up with people that cheat - then either they knew it from the start so shouldn't have got into that relationship. Or they have discovered it and all the trust is gone - and that relationship should have been ended.

I have ended a relationship before with a man I loved because the trust had gone.

Lizzylou Thu 28-Mar-13 21:38:22

Blimey! I'd love a weekend break in Amsterdam but tagging onto a stag do?
Really?

How pathetic.

If someone is going to cheat they do it in Hull/Bournemouth/Eastbourne/Norwich. Bit of a cliche to do it in Amsterdam anyway. Very last season.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:38:51

What about Paris or Vienna?

You do know that Montmartre has a red light district right?

Just because it's not as universally and comically well known as Amsterdam doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

blondefriend Thu 28-Mar-13 21:40:08

My DH has his stag weekend in Amsterdam with 12 mates. They got drunk, smoked pot, went to museums (ok the Heineken museum and the sex museum), went on a boat trip and went to a few strip clubs. Of course this is what my DH told me (I wasn't there!) but then I trust him. Completely.
I don't necessarily approve but it was his stag weekend, isn't that the point? He would have been devastated if his mates had brought their girlfriends/wives and I would have been sad for him.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 21:41:25

The op has never mentioned that the wives/girlfriends don't trust their partners. Maybe they are super super cool and even cooler than the really cool bride to be op to want to go along with the men on the stag do? Maybe you could be super super cool and be ok with some of the wives/girlfriends joining in the fun to be had in dam?

mrsbungle Thu 28-Mar-13 21:43:01

DH went to Amsterdam on his stag - TBF, he lived there for 3 years and wanted to go back for a visit and to catch up with folk.

Anyway OP, I think it's ridiculous that the DW's of some of the men want to go. It's a stag do not a couple's mini break. They sound like they do not trust their DH's and I bet it wouldn't make a difference what city the stag was in.

Good for you SummerFin. Reports say that about a quarter to a half of all men will cheat on their spouse. Many more, up to 75%, on GFs/partners. So, that is about 6 of your 12. So, five getting green-lighted is about right. I'm being facetious of course.

I just get crazy on these threads. There was one about Thailand as well. None of the OP's friends or DH would use a prostitute. Never mind that vanishingly close to all the men who go to Thailand without women do. Everyone is convinced that their partner is the exception, their friends are the exception. For everyone who is right, there are more who are wrong.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:46:56

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 21:20:58
So not unreasonable for wives/girlfriends to go to dam for the sex shows etc if that's their bag surely?

Of course they can! I said before that lots of people go, it's not just a stag thing.

My DH got taken to one, I heard all about it. He said it was very..interesting and there are things people can do he'd rather not see again.

I found it funny. Yes, that's right, funny!

Oh, he also said that Amsterdam is beautiful and we should go.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:48:25

I'm the coolest of the cool.

But shhh smile you're meant to be resting your poor head and bleeding nose remember?

Your dh went to a sex show Pobble - you said it up thread.

So the fuck what if he took a river cruise too. I'm delighted that in your relationship it's ok for him, and for you to go as a couple to exploitative sex shows.

Of course I'm judging - I'm saying going to sex shows and having conversations with exploited, prostituted women is NOT ok.

I don't give a flying turd fuck if its ok to you.

Maybe you should go and read the feminist board to find out why it's not ok.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:50:58

Who said he spoke to prostituted women?

It's the equivalent of a theatre show, with seats. There are men in it.

Oh and fuck off.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 21:51:33

Do you think there is any way the men with the accompanying partners are happy their partners are going?

Wouldn't be the first tmeuse man has used the 'she won't let me' line when actually they don't want to.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:51:45

MrsTerry you are letting your own experiences and opinions cloud your judgement.

You're basically trying to imply that my partner and his friends will all cheat.

If these threads get you "crazy" then why participate? When all you are doing is going out of your way to judge and criticise people?

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 21:52:48

Bad typing should read 'time a'

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:53:54

Wouldn't be the first tmeuse man has used the 'she won't let me' line when actually they don't want to.

Assume that word was excuse.

No I do not think it is an excuse at all. All agreed they wanted to go, all have been planning what to do there etc.

They asked DH if it was possible to book 3 more places.

YOU said he spoke to a prostituted woman. Up thread.

Are you fucking drunk? confused

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 21:57:11

I don't think Pobble said he spoke to a prostituted woman Laurie

Could be wrong, but I scrolled through the comments and didn't see her say it.

It is so far from the equivalent of a theatre show.

Unless you really think it qualifies because you are 'sitting on a seat'. hmm

They are horrendous - massively drugged out women, being violated by enormous dildoes, trafficked women, young, vulnerable woman.

Oh, it's all a right, hilarious laugh hmm

Ffs

LadyFlumpalot Thu 28-Mar-13 21:57:31

Isn't the idea that 99% of men who go to Amsterdam or Thailand or wherever without there partner cheat kind of sexist against men? It's implying they are all led by their genitals and are incapable of free thought once they get the scent of musk in their nostrils.

Isn't it just as bad as a group o men deciding that all woman want to do is gossip and wear makeup?

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 21:57:55

Summerfin - I mean that maybe the men and their partners both want the partners to go, I can't imagine three relationships all being 'you can't go on your own'.

She said her dh said to a 'stripper who offered him a dance' and said he could get better at home.

So her 'wonderful' dh was also rude to the exploited female hmm

What a fucking catch he must be.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 21:59:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MerylStrop Thu 28-Mar-13 22:00:01

YANBU to think its just WEIRD for wives and girlfriends to want to go on the stag do.

Not that you'll be going, so it shouldn't bother you that much

However, as stag dos should be 6 pints in the working men's club with yer da and a few mates, YABU to complain when people want to make a family trip of a weekend away to an overseas destination.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 22:00:26

The women are good friends I think Yellow so perhaps one had her doubts and gave the others doubts too.

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 22:01:00

Summer fin I know you are way way cooler than me. But what I DON't understand is if you are so very cool - which i don't doubt that you are - then WHY do you have a problem with wives/girlfriends of your DH's mates going on the stag? Why would your DH have a problem with it? What difference would it make? Seriously.

You didn't say that and not that it matters.

As you're now saying he was 'taken' to a sex show.

So you're 'lovely' dh has no mind of his own?

You're the one married to him luv. See you on the relationships board soon wink

By the way personal attacks aren't allowed.

So lose the 'fuck off' and calling me a 'twat'. Hun.

Lambzig Thu 28-Mar-13 22:05:20

LaQueen said what I wanted to so much better.

The point is that the groom did not invite these women. It's very wrong to invite themselves. Perhaps their partners should excuse themselves if they don't want/arent allowed to go alone. It's not the normal thing and it makes them and their partners look ridiculous.

Perhaps groups of men on a stag do will all cheat, I don't know, I am a woman. But it seems a ridiculous assumption to make. Rightly or wrongly I would rather trust my DH, not because I am being cool, but because if I can't trust him to have some time with his mates away for the weekend very occasionally (and vice versa) I don't see the point in being with him at all.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 22:07:29

I don't have the energy to explain it to you wong - if you are THAT interested then please read the thread and it will all become apparent to you.

But here is something I will say for you to learn

Today's lesson is titled "I don't give a fuck about your opinion". Tomorrow's lesson is the same as today.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 22:09:08

Perhaps groups of men on a stag do will all cheat, I don't know, I am a woman. But it seems a ridiculous assumption to make. Rightly or wrongly I would rather trust my DH, not because I am being cool, but because if I can't trust him to have some time with his mates away for the weekend very occasionally (and vice versa) I don't see the point in being with him at all

Well done - said so well. Much better than I could have put it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 22:12:51

Laurie I see what you're saying but all I'm reading is blah blah blah blah blah

yawn

Branleuse Thu 28-Mar-13 22:13:41

Amsterdam is one of my favourite places in the world.
are they worried their partners would get too stoned????

I also don't think uninvited guests should just tag along.

I also don't think Amsterdam or Thailand or anywhere with notorious red light districts that have terrible trafficked women and drug problems are suitable places for people to spend their money.

I'd have no problem with my dh going anywhere - but then again I'm not daft enough to have married a sexually deviant mysoginist.

It's such a yawn worrying about all the trafficked and prostituted women hmm

Riiiiiiiiight.....

wongadotmom Thu 28-Mar-13 22:26:19

Sorry summer I have read the thread and it is not apparent to me why you or your DH should have a problem with wives/girlfriends (can we refer to them as WAGS?) choosing to join in the fun to be had in dam. Maybe someone could find the energy to explain to me exactly what your problem is? This is a question not an opinion smile

It's not that a group of men will always cheat. It's the naivete to assume that groups of men choose to go to a destination that is world famous for prostitution and none of them have any other reason to go than beer (go to Belgium), canals (go to Venice) or Museums (go to London). It seems a remarkable coincidence that so many large groups of men, without their partners, choose to go to a place where so much sex is sold. And, according to these threads, NONE of them partakes.

maleview70 Thu 28-Mar-13 23:03:46

3 more possessive jealous women then....

Women on a stag do? Whatever next

chickenfactory Thu 28-Mar-13 23:06:57

For what it's worth my gay friends girlfriend doesn't get invited to hen dos, I said upthread girls shouldn't go to stags, but actually it's the fact they are in a relationship IMO that changes the dynamic of the weekend. Pretty sure the gf doesn't think she's left out because she's being cheated on.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:08:53

maleview I don't care if women go on stag dos and men go on hen dos. Why the hell not?

But I do think it should be friends only. Not partners.

That's interesting chicken. I invited two gay couple to mine. The girls came and the boys only came to the first bit and bowed out. The women felt they were 'allowed' to come even though only one was a close friend. The men felt they couldn't come, although they were both close friends, because they are men.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:12:38

The girls came and the boys only came to the first bit

When was your hen do? Whilst you were in primary school?

I have invited two men to mine, they are excited about it. So it's probably just the constant negative vibes you give out.

squeakytoy Thu 28-Mar-13 23:13:49

I know quite a few of my male mates who have gone to Amsterdam and not been anywhere near the prostitutes or strip clubs (which can be found in any major city anywhere anyway).. they go for the beer and the smoking, and have a great time..

Do you mean that to sound so rude, SummerFin or were you just scoring cheap points? FWIW I supported one of the men through the most difficult experience of his life so I don't think he finds me negative. You, on the other hand, are coming across quite the sweetie when people don't agree with you...

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:23:04

Do you mean that to sound so rude

Classic AIBU response.

Are you going to say - You sound very entitled next.

I was patient and listened to your view before but then you took it way too personal so I lost respect in what ever horrible judgements come out of your mouth.

expatinscotland Thu 28-Mar-13 23:23:56

Stag do's abroad are ridiculous, so on that account along YABU.

DadOnIce Thu 28-Mar-13 23:28:38

I have absolutely no interest in sex shows and the like, and remembering the guys who came on my stag do (a rather low key pub-and-curry crawl!) I can't think of any of them who would either. (I can't think of anything worse than sitting in a sweaty auditorium watching live porn with my mates.)

But if my DW had tried to "put her foot down" over this (yes, it's a PYFD thread), I would have just said "look, fuck it, then, I won't bother going." And then I would have wondered what kind of bizarre, controlling, untrusting person I was with. Thankfully, I can't imagine her ever wanting to do anything so odd as wanting to go on a stag do with a lot of boozy blokes to drink beer, make lewd jokes and eat curry.

Similarly, going on a hen do with a lot of screeching women - probably brandishing chocolate penises and dressed in pink spangly hats, like some nightmare fusion of "Glee" and that horrific "Here Come The Girls" Boots advert, high-kicking down the street while singing a tuneless ABBA medley - would surely be every straight man's idea of hell.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:28:39

How so expat - if people want to go and can afford it then I don't see any problem.

stifnstav Thu 28-Mar-13 23:32:03

So it isn't about male/female, its about being invited/not invited?

Good drip-feeding OP. Ten drip-feeding points have been awarded to you and must be redeemed within the next seven days.

expatinscotland Thu 28-Mar-13 23:36:15

Good for you, Summer. I find them ridiculous. So OTT. A night out on the lash and a curry, what's wrong with that? No need for all this prolonged silliness.

They invited themselves on, your partner hasn't said no, so on they all go, I guess.

ethelb Thu 28-Mar-13 23:43:41

@summerfin you are being oddly defensive about this. And keep on banging on about being entitled when no one has said that. And its not even your stag-do.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:47:07

Huh? How is that drip-feeding?

I thought it was obvious from the OP that it was about who was and who wasn't invited.

All I did was express an opinion that you should be able to invite friends to a stag/hen do no matter what gender they are.

confused

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:48:40

I find them ridiculous. So OTT. A night out on the lash and a curry, what's wrong with that? No need for all this prolonged silliness

Well if you are ever invited to one then just say no?

The idea of a "night out on the lash and a curry" would be my idea of hell.

Each to their own. At least I can accept that.

anonymosity Fri 29-Mar-13 00:01:23

I find them a bit pathetic to be honest, very old fashioned - and I have only been to two hen do's as I couldn't refuse a) my best friend and then b) my close cousin without offending them deeply. They were excruciating, both.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 00:03:47

Oh no Daria oops I mean anonymosity is here.

anonymosity Fri 29-Mar-13 00:05:45

no, I was here before - before you actually and came back to leave a comment. is there a problem, do I know you?

LadyBeaEGGleEyes Fri 29-Mar-13 00:06:47

I worked as a topless bar hostess many, many years ago (I'm in my fifties) in Amsterdam.
We had loads of blokes from all over the world, and yes, if some of them could they would, but the majority just were there for a laugh and would chat about their wives and kids, even to the extent of pulling out pictures.
<My job was to drink champagne and cocktails and flatter them>
If they're going to cheat it doesn't make a difference where they are, give them a break.
I hate Hen do's anyway, but having husbands and partners would put me off.

abbyfromoz Fri 29-Mar-13 00:07:59

Have only read the OP but YANBU.If they don't trust their DH then their DH doesn't need to come! Or them!
Defeats the purpose of a stag.

I didn't think I made it personal at all. It you thought I did you should have reported.

Night all.

LetMeAtTheWine Fri 29-Mar-13 01:10:05

Bloody hell, there are some right drama queens on here!

OP, i know you said your OH was going to talk to the others about it but shouldn't it come down to whether he is happy for them to be there, and whether having 3 uninvited women is a better option than not having the 3 invited men? Or is he concerned that if he agrees to wives/girlfriends can go then the other 4/5 won't want to?

Does he know the women well enough to know whether they would want to tag along throughout the weekend or whether they would, indeed, leave the fellas to it?

ravenAK Fri 29-Mar-13 01:57:17

Dh was invited to a stag weekend in Amsterdam recently.

I commiserated with him, as it entailed a lot of money to go & look at um, museums, & erm, drink beer, & smoke dope, & well, there's canals, & I believe lots of women trafficked into the sex industry.

Having grown up in Birmingham, which has all of the above, none of this struck me as worth the money tbh.

Dh was even less keen - he doesn't even drink. & he very definitely does not abuse prostituted women.

He found an excuse not to go, & we agreed that come to think of it, Amsterdam is indeed lovely, has excellent museums, & it would be nice for us to go some time.

Maybe your fiance's friends have had similar conversations with their other halves, feel obliged to turn up as invited, but would rather avoid the general awfulness of 'stag weekend in Amsterdam' by sloping off with their dws/gfs?

Shakey1500 Fri 29-Mar-13 05:49:04

DadonIce Your description of a hen night made me chuckle grin

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 09:50:16

He found an excuse not to go, & we agreed that come to think of it

Why would he find an excuse? hmm

Why not just tell the truth - that it's not your thing?

How ridiculous.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 29-Mar-13 10:15:39

Raven - that is sort of the point I was trying to make. So easy to paint the women as interfering. Maybe the men are happier they are coming so as not to waste so much money on basically a piss up but get more out of the weekend.

It doesn't make it any less odd to invite a plus one, but I can see why it might make the weekend better for those three couples.

People make excuses all the time, it is common.

coralanne Fri 29-Mar-13 10:29:30

Ummm!! It wouldn't be a stag do if wives and girlfriends went. Would it???

DadOnIce Fri 29-Mar-13 11:21:59

When did stag and hen dos turn into these lavish weekends, anyway? DW had a piss-up in a hotel bar for hers, and I had the aforementioned curry/pub-crawl for mine. Not that long ago. Everyone was happy.

MortifiedAdams Fri 29-Mar-13 12:25:30

So, OP, has your DH responded to the request for plus ones?

idococktailshedoesbeer Fri 29-Mar-13 13:15:02

I think bringing partners along will change the vibe of the stag do and make it not so much about your DH. I know I'd be annoyed if I arranged my hen do and people wanted to bring partners. I think he needs to hold firm on this and say no.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:20:34

People make excuses all the time, it is common.

Not for me it's not.

I organised a weekend away and asked 7 friends to come - 5 came.

The two that didn't come said it was because it wasn't their kind of thing.

And you know being a friend I just said that's completely fine - and then carried on with my life.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:21:23

Also does anyone else believe that I was drip-feeding?

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 13:24:54

It's his do. If he's okay with adding them on, then what's it to you? You are quite touchy about this.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:26:43

expat go and find an argument with someone else. You usually do.

LadyBeaEGGleEyes Fri 29-Mar-13 13:28:46

Why are you picking on Expat?
She gave her opinion just like everybody else on this thread.

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 13:32:01

PMSL!

SpanishLady Fri 29-Mar-13 13:36:28

The 3 women are being unreasonable - it does reek of insecurity. Do they really believe a man who is going to cheat only does it on stag dos or in Amsterdam? Who has the energy for this paranoia? Sorry if seem bait forthright but just seems silly will they permit partners at their hen dos to watch over proceedings?

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:38:17

I assumed she was just trying to goad me LadyBeagle - I didn't really see it as her giving me an opinion.

expatinscotland Fri 29-Mar-13 13:44:30

You assume everyone who has disagreed with you on this thread is goading you. It's your partner's party. If he's okay with these women going along, why is it so troubling to you? So what? As others pointed out, there may be all sorts of reasons besides insecurity.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 29-Mar-13 13:44:36

The 3 women are being rude to add themselves to an event that they are clearly not included in. It will change the whole dynamic and frankly, spoil it for the men who are going without partners and just want to let their hair down.

"You assume everyone who has disagreed with you on this thread is goading you." This.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:48:26

Because the first thing you said was -

Stag do's abroad are ridiculous, so on that account along YABU.

Which wasn't relevant to the thread, because I wasn't asking opinions on that. That is a goady comment.

And MrsTerry I was very patient and listened to your views and then you started saying that my partner and all the other men in the group were going to cheat because of a statistic etc.

stopprocrastinating Fri 29-Mar-13 13:51:12

DH and I had a joint hen and stag do. I don't see the problem.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 13:55:34

If that works for you stop then great.

I prefer to have separate ones.

Neither one is the right and only way.

A couple of points. I read back through my comments and I certainly didn't say that your partner was going to cheat. I said that it was naive to think that all the partners and friends that say what yours has will be faithful. That is true. I don't know you or your partner. None of us do. The fact is that some men will cheat in these circumstances. I have absolutely no idea which ones.

Some of us think that stag weekends, weeks, sabbaticals are stupid. We're allowed to. The thread goes where the thread goes. You started it, you don't own it.

You are taking the negative comments really personally. I know, I've had a kicking on AIBU before. However, mostly people agree with you so be happy. Would it really matter to you if I did think your partner would cheat? I'm a random stranger.

On the point of women not going on stags. I AGREE for the record. Women shouldn't in the main go on stags. This is great when you kiss your DH goodbye and he comes back 10 hours later reeking of curry and shots. Not great when you kiss him goodbye along with hundreds, even thousands, of pounds and a significant amount of holiday and family time.

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 14:05:33

You are taking the negative comments really personally

Yes you're probably right. It's easy to get caught up in it I guess.

Very easy. Have a bunny smile on me. smile

SpanishLady Fri 29-Mar-13 14:10:53

Wow this is a bit of a weird thread -

1. Don't think think the op said her dp was not bothered about the partners coming and it's her who is complaining I didn't see anything yet about what he thinks? The question was what do we think if it?
2. It's a bit of a stretch to make a connection between this stag do and exploitation of women who have been sadly tricked or forced into prostituition sorry but it isn't just in Amsterdam or Thailand ( try our own towns) and it also is a bit much to suggest that these guys are somehow of course going to go to prostitutes none of us know these men and I would be offended if you someone on a discussion thread presumed to know my dh and accuse him of this. I am in no way dismissing the horror of these women situation but that is not the topic of the thread.
3. My dh's best friend had his stag do in Amsterdam, it never occurred to me my dh would cheat frankly if he was that way inclined it could do that any old weekend - it's a sad thing but the men I know who have cheated on their partners on stag dos ( my dh told me) cheated generally ( we're not our actual friends by the way but for example the cousin of the groom so we knew of him but didn't actually know him if ykwim)
4. Maybe hens and stags are out of date or ridiculous but they are just at the end of the day a night out and I go out with just the girls all the time
5. I think you can't Judge also I have been to a hen do where we went to see an exhibition at the national portrait gallery and on mine we had afternoon tea in the beautiful city of bath (saw prostitutes there as well actually)

Ultimately I don't the op deserves the aggression from some posters - very odd

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 14:15:04

If you have had to save for three years for your wedding, you seem to be going totally OTT and do it beyond your means.

Scrap the stag do in Amsterdam. Let the boys have a few drinks out in Central London of an evening. nobody needs to know about Stringfellows

SummerFin Fri 29-Mar-13 14:27:32

Sorry Quint what I meant was we originally wanted to get married 3 years ago but there was always something in the way - illness, relocation, babies.

So we've just been adding to our original savings for the last 3 years. So we felt more like celebrating it.

I get the impression he might be rethinking going away now though, which would be a shame if he and others really wanted to go.

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 14:46:13

"I just don't like that these women are being pilloried for their 'bad' and impolite behaviour, which I agree it is, when they could have reasons."

MrsTerry but I totally fail to see whay accompanying their DHs on a stag-do is going to prove/solve or achieve? Unless, they intend to accompany their DHs everywhere to everything hmm

But, even that won't actually solve/cure anything. Not really.

My best friend through school was a lad...I shared a student house with 6 other lads...always had lots of male friends. I suppose there 6are^ some men who would smile benignly, and not have any problems with their wives, or the wives of their mates coming on a stag do...but, I think I have yet to meet any blokes like that.

In my experience, most blokes would look like this hmm, and do some dark mutterings into their pints.

I agree LaQueen but that doesn't mean they don't have reasons. They may be trying to make the best of a bad lot, they may not want all their money and DH's spare time spent on a piss up, they may have always wanted to go to Amsterdam and DH promised not to go without them.

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 14:52:58

Mrs well, if they have reasons for wanting to go...why do their reasons take precedence, over other people's reasons for not wanting them to go?

MrsTerry I totally agree with all your posts here.

OP I agree that these women are being cheeky in inviting themselves, but I guess you don't really know what their reasons are.

For various reasons I've had firsthand views/accounts of many, many stag dos over the years. The vast majority of them involved some kind of inappropriate sexual activity. I know at least five guys who cheated on their stag dos, none of their partners know to this day.

So maybe these women aren't being paranoid or insecure, they are just not in denial about what's likely to happen on a stag do in Amsterdam of all places.

If your DH and friends really want to go, perhaps organise a couples trip earlier in the year when it's cheaper, and then have his stag do locally. You'll save money and avoid all the drama.

SawyerHuckleberry Fri 29-Mar-13 15:01:07

If your DH and friends really want to go, perhaps organise a couples trip earlier in the year when it's cheaper, and then have his stag do locally

That's a bit ridiculous though, why should the plan change because partners are not happy?

Whether the stag do is local or miles away if you're gonna cheat then it makes no difference.

pigletmania Fri 29-Mar-13 15:02:05

Yanbu stag dos are no for wives or girlfriends. If they don't trust their partners why are they with them

pigletmania Fri 29-Mar-13 15:03:37

If i.were your fiancee i would put my foot down and say no to them

People have said over and over that if someone is going to cheat, they will do it anywhere. There are plenty of people who only do x in y place. Only smoke dope abroad. Only sleep with sex workers in Thailand. Only cheat on business trips.

I'm not saying these partners are right to want to come, far from it. However, a male only trip to a notorious sex tourism destination? Why would anyone question that?

DadOnIce Fri 29-Mar-13 15:16:36

How does someone actually "put their foot down" though? I mean, what are the practicalities of one adult stopping another adult from carrying out an activity which is not actually illegal? You can't threaten to stop their pocket-money.

pigletmania Fri 29-Mar-13 15:19:14

No the Dh should tell his friends no ppartners allowed if that is what he wants

I also disagree with the idea that if they're going to cheat they'll do it anywhere.

Cheating at home is riskier, someone might see or tell, you need to give your partner an alibi, etc and so on.

Spending a few days abroad in an atmosphere where prostitution/cheating/drug use is completely normalised also lowers inhibitions.

Obviously some people will cheat anywhere, but I do think some people only feel uninhibited or safe enough to do it abroad.

Sawyer I only suggested that because the OP said now her partner is thinking about not going at all. So just an idea for a compromise.

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 15:24:27

I have to confess, going on a stag do is my idea of a living Hell...the last stag do DH went on, they all went dressed as Elvis...they all wore the same costumes 3 days running ...and, I know at least 2 of them (mentioning no names DH) were a wee bit sick down themselves at some point during the weekend...

I wouldn't have wanted to be within 3 miles of any of them.

SofaCanary Fri 29-Mar-13 15:32:21

Some women are astoundingly good at deluding themselves regarding their partners, I envy their unshakable trust.

Or perhaps all Mumnetters really are married to Saints...hmm

SawyerHuckleberry Fri 29-Mar-13 15:42:26

LaQueen please don't say it was that hideous Elvis onesie from Primark?

QuickLookBusy Fri 29-Mar-13 15:47:36

I'm quite pleased my DH has never felt the need to go off for days getting pissed. All my DH's friends' "Stag dos" have ranged from a night at the local pub to a nice meal in a posh restaurant.

Why do people want to go off getting pissed for days?

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 15:48:04

Sawyer he hired it from a costume shop, but yep...basically it was a white, satin jumpsuit, with huge bejewelled belt and cape combo...by the time he brought it home, it had its own eco-system hmm

SawyerHuckleberry Fri 29-Mar-13 16:00:06

Why do people want to go off getting pissed for days?

Surely the same reason as your husband likes to have a night at the local pub.

People prefer different things.

Surely you can understand that right?

QuickLookBusy Fri 29-Mar-13 16:02:54

No I don't understand why grown, mature, family men would want to go on holiday with the sole intention of being drunk every day.

It's the sort of thing I would hope most men would have grown out of by the time they were about 24.

SawyerHuckleberry Fri 29-Mar-13 16:12:33

Well I feel sorry for you Quick for having such a narrow mind.

People do things every day which I think why the hell would you do that. Thankfully I'm open minded enough to know that other people can and do enjoy different things and wouldn't judge them.

Maybe because I don't have a rod up my butt.

Also no-one said this was a drink all you can holiday.

QuickLookBusy Fri 29-Mar-13 16:26:07

Ha ha ha. What else are 12 men going to do all day in Amsterdam other than drink all day? Take in the culture?

QuickLookBusy Fri 29-Mar-13 16:32:36

Gosh a big omission there- should have said-what else are they going to do in Amsterdam other than drink and take in a few sex shows.

Iwantmybed Fri 29-Mar-13 17:04:30

I'm loving this thread. I'm off to Amsterdam in a few weeks for a hen weekend. confused I have no idea what this will entail as I don't think the hens are particularly party animals. Plus MIL will be there so I don't envisage us drinking and smoking morning til night and ending up in Cockring nightclub. Mores the pity, I'd have enjoyed that. wink I think its going to be bike riding, canal cruising and museum sightseeing - that's not a hen weekend..

Bogeyface Fri 29-Mar-13 17:20:59

I must have missed something. I thought the OP was asking if it was ok to bring wives/girlfriends along to a stag event not for opinions on the type of stag event and its location!

No, partners should not tag along to stag or hen events, and if someone is "not allowed" to go without their partner then the stag event is the least of his problems. I was actually at my husbands because he held it in the pub I worked in and one of the staff called in sick so I had to cover the shift, but we were both ok with it!

Bogeyface Fri 29-Mar-13 17:21:53

I think its going to be bike riding, canal cruising and museum sightseeing

I read that as Anal cruising grin

Should have gone to Specsavers......

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 18:09:57

I agree with Sawyer - if a group of grown men, want to spend a few days, drinking far more on a stag-do, than they typically would at a weekend...then why shouldn't they [shrugs]

It's just for a weekend, after all, it's not like they're signing a pledge to do it every day for the rest of their lives, or something. It's just a couple of days of larking about, chilling out and whooping it up...and thank God, neither DH or I grew out of larking about & whooping it up by the time we were 24...and thank God none of our friends did either grin

DH has been on more stag dos then you can shake a stick at...and granted, there has been copious amounts of drinking involved during the evenings...but during the day, he's done go-carting, white-water rafting, golf, quad biking, clay pigeon shooting, paint-balling, archery...the list goes on.

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:20:47

Frankly, I cannot understand why any grown woman would want to go on a stag weekend, or a stag night.

If they trust their husbands they shouldn't be worried about what they'll be up to. If they don't trust them, they should stop being married to them.

HazelnutinCaramel Fri 29-Mar-13 19:37:52

Thing is, none of us are going to see the other's side. Some women wouldn't bat an eyelid at their DHs going to Amsterdam on a stag weekend and for others it would be over their dead body. Both think the other camp are bonkers and just don't get it. We'll never persuade the other.

What I reckon we CAN agree on is the women going along on the stag night is not really the right course of action?

LadyBeaEGGleEyes Fri 29-Mar-13 19:40:05

I agree Maryz, i can't think of anything worse.
Apart from the sort of Hen Do where there's a whole group of drunk women wandering the streets.
And if said women choose to go to Amsterdam for their Hen do, does that mean their partners can't trust them?

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 19:42:37

I just don't get the rationale behind escorting your DH on a stag-do, because you don't trust him.

What does escorting him prove...? He wasn't unfaithful on that particular stag-do, that's all. There are going to be 1001 social engagements during the course of a bloke's life...is his wife going to escort him on them all hmm

Only to be able to say at the end of it all 'Oh, I know he wasn't unfaithful to me because I had him welded to my hip 24/7 for the last 34 years'

Good girl...well done hmm

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:42:43

I agree with that Hazel, but the one thing I wouldn't do (whether i thought it was ok or not) would be to go with them.

If I felt strongly that dh was going to do something so awful he needed me there to stop him, I wouldn't want to be married to him.

aldiwhore Fri 29-Mar-13 19:43:28

My DH's best mate (pre me - smug grin) is a woman, she went of his stag do, as a stag do is for close friends of the groom ONLY (I don't care what gender they are) not for WAGS (or BFs, DPs, DFs, FB's etc)

I was on my hen do in the same town as DH's stag do, I turned up in our local haunt, his stag do was still in there, the doorman frog marched me out (with a promise of free booze an hour later) and all was well with the world.

We also had a joint 'jolly' a few weeks before the wedding where anyone could attend, twas a good good night, made new friends (WAGS, BFs, DPs, DFs, FBs etc) BUT that was requested by us, and it was our party.

YANBU summerfin the traditional stag do is men, men mates of the man groom, but it IS flexible... although I'd struggle to extend my hen do to random male partners of invited friends if I didn't know them.

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:44:42

Sorry to make it clear:

If I wasn't batting an eyelid, I would say "have a nice time, off you go" and stay home myself.

If I thought it was appalling, I would say "you go over my dead body" and prepare for death (or divorce).

In neither scenario would I say "I'm coming too".

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:46:15

Oh, yes, I would have no problem with a man's mates of either sex going. But not his mates' wives. I would have been very pissed off if any of my g/f's had insisted on bringing their dh's to my hen (which was an evening pub crawl in Dublin, very unexotic).

LaQueen Fri 29-Mar-13 19:46:34

Maryz I would rather stick pins in my eyes than join DH on a stag-do.

I have just outlined this thread to him, and he had this hmm expression on his face, and kept repeating 'But, that's crazy, why would the wives go on a stag-do' he's very confuddled now, he's a simple soul.

To him stag-dos comprise of beer, curry, more beer, some inappropriate dancing, more beer, a tactical chunder, more beer, and altercation over space allocation on the dancefloor, more beer...repeat to fade...

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 29-Mar-13 19:51:05

I agree that escorting a DP is silly, and pointless, which is why I wonder if actually both half of the couples are happy to combine a stag do with a weekend away? I just find the idea that three separate people have decided to 'chaperone' their partners quite unbelievable. And three separate attendees have said 'ok love' to those partners?

I think it is more likely that the couples are thinking its a lot of money to spend on a piss up, let's make the best use of the hotel etc and have a mini break combined with the stag do.

I have said it is weird and poor etiquette to add a plus one on a stag do, but I just feel unconvinced by the 'mad jealous female x3' explanation.

I hope the op will update, I am interested to know more about the couples, what the stag says etc.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 29-Mar-13 19:54:58

I would rather die than go on a stag do, so OP YANBU the think that it is very off for 3 wives to to go along. Incidentally DH has only ever been on his own stag do and finished up on the day of our wedding name halfway out the front door on a sofa with the paper delivered on his head.......

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 19:58:51

Yup, I reckon you have it Yellow.

TrollFoot Fri 29-Mar-13 20:00:31

Ok - stag do - that's for the men - there should be no women on stag do's. They are being unreasonable - it's an open and shut case - END OF THREAD.

aldiwhore Fri 29-Mar-13 20:13:08

No it isn't Trollfoot smile

My DH's best mate is female. Why shouldn't she be included in DH's party, why SHOULD she be included on mine just because she's female?

She came to both actually. My male mate came on my hen, didn't really know DH well enough to want to 'celebrate the last single hurrah' (with reasonable rule of course) with DH.

I've always seen it as: Stag Do: Groom's friendship circle(male or female) plus obligatory male inlaws to be. Hen do: Bride's friendship circle (male or female) plus obligatory female in laws to be.

Thinking harder about it, we had stag do, hen do (official with in laws), piss up with anyone who wanted to come along, mini-stag do/mini-hen do work colleagues, stagandhen do because we had an extra weekend free before the wedding, started out at our favourite drinking hole (different to each other) met up later, and naice meal out with prospective in-laws (including vile ones, vair polite it was to), etc etc etc...

But never any WAGS (other than the free for all bash).

Maryz Fri 29-Mar-13 20:16:49

We had four blush

We had - me and my girl friends (hen); dh and his boy friends (stag)

But the week before that I had a night out with all my friends, male and female from when I was a student and before. And dh had a bit of a mad night with all his friends (male and female) on a sport weekend away.

BenjaminButton172 Fri 29-Mar-13 20:32:38

Stag do's are not just for men. They are for friends of the groom (the stag).

TrollFoot Fri 29-Mar-13 20:54:14

Stag do's are for the men - it's the hen party for the ladies.

re:Why shouldn't she be included in DH's party
Because it's a stag do - that's for the men - you wouldn't want men (apart from strippers or course - at the Hen party).

Hope this helps.

aldiwhore Fri 29-Mar-13 20:59:19

I had a man at mine.

I also had no strippers.

Or wings. Or condoms. Or all that shit.

It was for me and my mates to go out and have fun without WAGS, just us lot, the old school I suppose... and they included men.

So no, it doesn't help at all really. Hope that helps.

I also didn't have ANY ladies on my hen night, just women.
My DH wanted his best mate on his 'stag' do, no problem... he didn't go to strip joints either. I'm not sure a strip joint is actually in the rules, or a must have?

TrollFoot Fri 29-Mar-13 21:05:25

Sorry it didn't help.

Re: I had a man at mine.
nice catch

SummerFin Sun 31-Mar-13 15:14:35

Update if anyone actually cares -

Turns out just one of the women didn't want her DH to go basically because of trust issues.

She then spoke to the other two women and got them quite worried about it too.

DH has spoken to his friends and they really want to go but if they went on their own it would cause lots of problems now. So unfortunately DH has decided to cancel the trip to Amsterdam and are looking at going to Dublin now.

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 15:18:55

Dublin can be worse! grin

Are the wives/girlfriends planning on tagging along to Dublin too/

Bogeyface Sun 31-Mar-13 17:04:12

So because there are no brothels they wont have sex with someone else? If someone can't be trusted then they can't be trusted, and they will cheat if they want to whatever the circumstances. And if they can be trusted but the partner has jealousy issues then the place wont make a difference to that either.

I think your DH2B should have the stag he wants, no WAGS allowed and let his friends sort out their own marriage problems rather than expect him to change his one and only stag weekend to suit their paranoid other halves.

diddl Sun 31-Mar-13 17:36:38

How long before they are asking to go to Dublin also??

LaQueen Sun 31-Mar-13 18:41:12

Totally agree (as always) Bogey.

The problem when someone has these sort of trust issues, is that no one else can actually help. Even if you try and accommodate them, and their wishes, ultimately nothing will get cured. Because, basically you cannot 100% totally control someone else 24/7 - life isn't like that.

Infidelity has nothing to do with location, it is an attitude.

I know someone whose DH never, ever went out without her. Never. But he still managed to have an affair...he met someone at work, and they used to nip back to her house, just over the road during their lunch hour sad

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:16:44

What about caldey island? There's nothing on there but a church. There are birds but not the type you'd like go get to know after a few pints.

LaQueen Sun 31-Mar-13 19:26:08

You now...this could be a niche market...I could open a specialist Stag Do Resort, on a remote Orkney island.

No pubs, no booze, no women, no clubs, no jollity...

It would be perfect for the wives and GFs who don't trust their DHs. It'll make a fortune.

I think I'm gonna call it Stag Don't Island ...or maybe Stalag Island hmm

PickledInAPearTree Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:48

Staggy no shaggy island?

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:50:13

Bogeyface - I'm point blank refuse to accept there's not a brothel in Dublin!!

IMO, if you can't trust your DH to go away for a weekend and not shag someone else (paid or for free), then you don't have a stag do problem, your problem is that you have accidentally married a crap bloke...

LaQueen Sun 31-Mar-13 20:00:07

I'm desperately trying to make something out of Coldtitz but, I'm struggling...

Where's Tantrums she's good at this sort of thing hmm

Bogeyface Sun 31-Mar-13 20:50:39

Well I meant a legal brothel Dontmind!

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 21:02:25

There are plenty of brothels in Dublin (I live here!!)

Mind you,if they go to Copperface Jacks (like most stag parties do) they will most probably get it for free wink

Maryz Sun 31-Mar-13 21:02:50

Dublin shock.

Dublin ffs [hollow laughter]

They have trust ishoes and they are letting them go to Dublin.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Maryz Sun 31-Mar-13 21:04:38

Sorry, that was a little unfair.

But seriously, there may be no brothels in Dublin (legal ones that is, there are lots of questionable lap-dancing places), but there are pubs. With women in them. And lots of drink (far, far more than in Amsterdam).

LaQueen Sun 31-Mar-13 21:06:17

Yep, because Dublin is just, like, so quiet and staid, with very little going on, and hardly any wimmin, or anyfink...

DH has been to Dublin on a stag-do, he says walking down through Temple Bar, is one of the few times in his adult life he's genuinely looked like this shock

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 21:12:45

I don't think it's unfair Maryz,and I'm a local but not of the trollop variety

I honestly think they would be far less likely to get up to no good in Amsterdam,they would probably be terrified of the ladies of the night!!

Dublin would lull them into a false sense of security,combine that with binge drinking and the twinkly eyes of the locals,and they have no chance of behaving <flicks hair seductively>

LaQueen Sun 31-Mar-13 21:15:29

Agree Hilda think that most regular guys would shit themselves in panic, if approached by a genuine, hard-eyed prostitute...

But, the lovely, husky-voiced colleens in Temple Bar, who will ply them with drink...lambs to the slaughter grin

maleview70 Sun 31-Mar-13 21:22:56

I've been to Amsterdam 3 times and believe me there are plenty of blokes who don't shit themselves when faced with prostitutes

It's amazing what 10 pints does to the mind of a bloke on the piss with his mates and where prostitutes are willing them in.

It's not for me but It is for plenty....

HildaOgden Sun 31-Mar-13 21:26:47

I've been to Amsterdam,*maleview*,and I live in Dublin.

It's defintely easier for a stag party to ...ahem...amuse themselves in an inappropriate manner in Dublin smile

noddyholder Sun 31-Mar-13 21:52:23

Women on a stag do? Just no. How boring for all concerned

TiffanyAtBreakfast Fri 31-May-13 10:00:15

Definitely don't think the wives/gfs should go. They weren't invited, simple as that, and I doubt the other men will be very amused about the idea tbh.

I wouldn't have jumped for joy if my DH had gone to Amsterdam on his stag, not going to lie. But that's my own irrational issue, DH has never given me reason not to trust him. Amsterdam has a bit of a stigma attached to it when large groups of men go. Bit like Prague which I've been told has 'a higher ratio of women than men', lol. Ridiculous assumptions. Maybe they just want to look at windmills.

Noideaaboutanything Fri 31-May-13 10:10:09

If I were your Fiance Summer, I would tell them to F&*k off if they had any idea of bringing their wives, a stag do should be drunken, rude and men only, I would not really want men there who were either so bad their wives cannot trust them or were so piss weak their wives had to babysit them. It could just be an excuse from the 3 blokes as they have changed their minds, always the same when you start asking for deposits. Hope you have a great hen do which is also drunken rude and women only and an even better wedding. Good luck!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 31-May-13 10:14:58

Dead thread walking.

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